Kung fu, man. There was a time when that shit was like black magic to us cracker people. Then Bruce Lee came along and we were no longer scared of kung fu guru dudes. Bruce Lee ate a bunch of weed and hash to help calm him down, no wonder that dude found his center. Guess it was hard god damn work to be Bruce Lee. Ellis flipped himself off right in his eye socket today while doing jiu-jitsu and now he’s got a shiner. Continue reading
It’s Friday, bitches! I’ll be your host for today, bitPimps here filling in for my brother from another vagina, AZ_RedDragon, while he’s off marrying his sister or watching his sister get married, I forget which. TJES is broadcasting live from the Roosevelt in Hollyweird, with a bunch of chicks with tits. Oh, and let’s not forget Hotdog & his donkey dick are there, ready to get some action. Of course the crew is there, except for Wilson – he’s back at the studio schmoozing up on Shannon The Animal Gunz. Nipplopolis and her husband are there, so is Fonzo – lucky fuckers. Everyone has been notified that Hotdog is a virgin and has never felt a boob, a butt, or anything. Oh, by the way, this is all streaming free on OfficialJasonEllis.com. Jetta tried to rally the girls to play some nude limbo, not a single chick spoke up. So Katie tried to rally the girls to see if anyone wanted to do some nude arm wrestling against her, nobody said shit again until finally one of the girls nominated another girl to do it. Champagne is popping to try and get the girls to loosen up and participate in anything other than chatting with each other. On an odd / interesting note, Joanna Angel doesn’t like her nipples played with, but she’s cool with 6 dicks and a finger in her ass. Go figure. Joanna started to dominate Katie, she really came out of the gate strong by asking her to sit / lay down. hahaa Things turned a little more violent after Katie was being choked & asked to be slapped, which Joanna obliged to the point she thought maybe Ellis was going to beat her up for slapping Katie so hard.
Back from break and it’s time for Katie to defend her arm wrestling title, this time against Jessie Lee. Two more chicks arm wrestled for Over The Top supremacy and the Mexican chick straight up cheated by using both hands and an illegal titty grab on her opponent. Some chick there who writes porn & tests out masturbation products for women has not tested a product because she was worried that it might produce air in her vagina which would kill her via air-embolism. Anyway, she lost her arm wrestling bout. Two more chicks are up for their turn at the Over The Top challenge, the cheating Mexican and a fully mixed chick with a ghetto booty. I think the half-breed chick won, then she went for the previous winner and took her out as well. Now is the championship round with Katie and Larry? I don’t know, that’s what it sounded like, it’s the mixed breed chick. So they go at it left handed and Katie won. Next round was right handed and mixed chick won. Vagina inflation update from Cumtard, theoretically, you could die from air in your vagina. Now, on to limbo, except nobody wants to limbo – at least not in without a nice set of heels to wear. Things finally started getting under way with about 6-8 contestants. It got whittled down to a group of 3 super flexible women, all of whom tied for champion of the limbo contest. For his efforts holding the limbo pole, Hotdog got a hot Mexican’s ass twerking on his pee-pee.
Back from break and we got a story of a man whose buddy stuck an air-compressor hose in his buddies ass and blew his guts up. Oh, and food is now served! Hotdog has disappeared into the bathroom, allegedly to get a quick jerk session in before he starts judging boobs. He may also be a little drunk already, after-all he’s only had a peanut butter & marshmallow sandwich to eat so far. But enough about blown out guts and sandwiches, let’s get Hotdog feeling some boobies. He’s going to freestyle how he feels them, no coaching involved. He’ll be standing behind each set of tits, taking the back route, under the arm, all the way to titty-ville. So the first set of tits are from Jessie Lee, and how did Hotdog like them? “I can’t lie, they feel pretty awesome.” was his lackluster response. Second set of titties, I don’t know this chicks name, his response was pretty much the same, except he added he thinks he might like bigger tits better, to a set of smaller tits. Class act, that Hotdog. hahaa Third set of tits were those of Phoenix Askani, she’s into buttholes and weed, and she’s drunk. Hotdog grabbed his 3rd set of tits and Phoenix feels like she’s getting a mammogram. Fourth set of titties are those from someone I don’t know, she doesn’t know her own Twitter, so it’s cool. He not only felt her boobies, she showed him her wee-wat. Fifth set of titties are those of Jenna Valentine, she has massive jugs and Hotdog had to really put his back into it. In the end, who won? Everyone. Fuck it, when tits are out, there are no losers.
Back from break and it’s time for some chicks to workout, breathe heavy, and say stuff. Brendan Schaub and Bryan Callen have showed up, strictly in a professional capacity of course. There’s about 10 girls participating in this at the same time. Some girls will be doing squats with kettle bells while the others will be doing ladder climbs for 45 seconds to 1 minute. I’ve gotta pull a Hotdog here and say, I’m not gonna lie, it started out sounding like that German gape porn and turned into something out of one of the Saw movies or something. hahaha The Mexican chick is telling her story about almost lighting a man on fire to Callen and Schaub – you may remember how into pain play Callen was last time he was on the show. Brendan Schaub will now show the girls some Jiu-Jitsu technique by laying on his back while a girl will get into his guard and try to escape or tap out. After she taps (or escapes hahaha) another girl will take her place to try escaping as well. But first, Callen has to get in a 5% gay guard to show the girls what they will be doing and the girls are demanding Schaub takes off his shirt. Schaub took out three chicks as well as a surprise attack by Katie, so Schaub gets to have his arm raised for beating up 3 different chicks. The ladies are starting to sound like drunk construction workers making cat calls and getting a little rapey with there demands to get Schaub nude, grab his dick, etc. He may need to be escorted out with security, I don’t know. It’s time for a break and the pin the tail on the donkey, or “stick a pin in Cumtard’s ass”, whatever you wanna call it. And yes, he will donning the C-string.
Back from break and Cumtard and his yam bag in a c-string are apparently a hit with the ladies, they keep screaming and smacking his ass. Whitney is enamored by Cumtard’s c-string. It took awhile to get the ladies going as they were on the bed taking pictures and such. Eventually things got under way and some ladies put some pins right in his curdled ass. Phoenix seemed to really take pleasure in her turn as she not only stuck the pin in his ass, but then proceeded to slap it home several times. This Dave dude from the UFC who came with Whitney via Onnit has given Cumtard his last warning, his dick is way too close for comfort. Oh yeah, and that Kellie chick who is friends with Katie took the body wash she co-created with Ellis and ate some of it, it tasted salty. There ya go. Chicks were also getting some anal lube from their throats. Somewhere along the way, Christian Hand snuck his way into the party, he’s never turns down an opportunity to meet some semi-naked hot chicks. The remainder of the show was spent talking with “Mr. Miami Club Scene” Brendan Schaub, fighting, UFC, and big booty babes he doesn’t discriminate against. Ellis is off to Minnesota, he will be racing this weekend and it will be on some ABC Sports channel, so check that out if you want. And there you have it folks. Enjoy your weekend, like the rest of us enjoyed your mother, over, and over, and over, and over… Rinse & repeat.
Guess who is back serving up devastating lyrics and taking target practice on TJES crew again. Yup, @CassetteCoast. You’re probably already familiar with him, if not, you should be. This is the same man that blew each and every one of us away with his first two submissions to the “Unsigned Bands” segment on the show. For reasons unknown, his track didn’t get played on today’s segment. But hopefully it will be played on a future installation of “Unsigned Bands”. Since we’re all clambering to hear what kind of hell he unleashed for his 3rd Target Practice track, let’s get right to it and find out!
TJES Target Practice No. 3 by CassetteCoast
Download (link to MP3)
-ok that unemployed Jew boy don’t matter much so let’s pass him up
-rawdog done got hauled off so Kevin Kraft batter up
-I mean Cumtard ur like a dumb broad that gets pumped hard and acts stuck up
-and u say u ain’t into anal but ur famous off of that butt chugging
-I mean what the fuck dog own up u went and got ur grundel all toned up
-u stupid hoe u produce the show man who’d u blow to get blown up
-I bet $20 down on Pendarvis both of y’all is retarded
-stop popping off about conference calls we ain’t falling for all of that garbage
-bitch y’all fuckin full homo hang a lanyard off of that pogo
-who can it be the Alabama queen up in a vat of beans in that photo
-somebody get dingo some clean clothes somebody get rude Jude on Drew soon
-somebody get Christian Hands Brian griffin ass up out the seat I’m bout to fall asleep
-I like Tully tho but for the sake of the song fuck that hoe in the face with a long
-dick and 2 balls rip the roof off his mothafuckin mouth when it ugh splooge off
-I Love Me Girl was as bad as a bag of nasty ass wrapped up in a pack of maxi pads
-stashed up Josh daddy’s faggot ass
-oh no that’s a low blow and a F bomb I know Jason prolly got sumn to say
-well he’s Trey Canards big stinky poopy at least that’s what his son would say
-I guess Princess Leia don’t like me now but he gon hate me more in a second
-I done got 311 Beck and Offspring to all join the board of directors
-nigga I’m hood as fuck and even I know better Cadillac Coast won’t drive no Jetta
-I’ll take a ride on that Katy train or get Shannon Guns on my dangalang
-man I’m through it’s been coo I’m fitna let y’all do what y’all do
-and if you got a guest on the show today what’s up bitch fuck you too
Here we are, last show of the week thanks to the 4th of July. MURICA! Ellis thinks it would be great to have Stern’s lovely locks, but he also believes you can create your own lovely locks, as he’s done with his head tattoo. It’s fun to make up stuff in your head, and sometimes it can be more satisfying than the shit you’re doing in real life. Tully has matured, as a musician. He used to play heavy and loud music, but now, other than Death! Death! Die!, he wouldn’t be looking to play the heavy stuff – but maybe more cracker soul type music. We got to hear some rap from the boys, should radio shows turn to just rapping and beats like Swayzizzle in the mornings. Culver City just be called Ball City, so you know what you’re gonna get when you go there. More talk about future Rawdog as a daddy, he thinks he’ll cut his fast food intake at least in half. And he’ll just sneak out of the house when he has to go get his McDonald’s fix, leaving his kids to fend for themselves with celery and carrots.
Hospitals spend enormous amounts of money removing even more enormous objects from peopes’ asses. And with that, it’s NMT on Wednesday time. The best part? When Will had to record a New Music Wednesday button that talked about Josh “The Jewish Monster” Richmond beating the shit out of Shannon “The Animal” Shenanigans Gunz Gunz, with his Jewish claws. Nelly has a new album out, and I only mention that because he’s from St. Louis, but I’m sure it sucks just as much as the rest of the stuff out today – errr… yesterday. Whatever. Jay-Z apparently has a few songs on his new album that deal with him being a dad and how he had nobody around to teach him how to be a man or good father, so he’s learning that now. This led us into Shannon “The Animal” Shenanigans Gunz Gunz being in studio to go against Rawdog in the primal challenge. If Rawdog beats Gunz, he gets to grab her box (over the jeans) and Gunz beats Rawdog, she gets to show Ellis her tits. Surprisingly, no vomit noises from Rawdog after his workout, but we did hear some nice grunting coming from Gunz while she did her workout. Wait, wait… scratch that, we finally got some vomit from Rawdog while Gunz was making girl tennis grunts and that’s when millions of wads were simultaneously blown around the globe. In the end, Shannon beat Rawdog, didn’t barf, and could talk on the radio right afterwards – so I guess she gets to show her tits to Ellis.
Women, am I right? time! Some chick saw a Muslim guy and freaked out because she thinks Muslim cab drivers drive for a year or so to save up money so they can blow themselves up. Then she called 911 to complain that she felt threatened by the Muslim driving the cab she was in. A female weather reporter doing umm, the weather, saw a little bug on the projector while doing her thing in front of the green screen and flipped the fuck out. A woman in Oklahoma called 911 after she got stuck in a charity donation bin. Two sisters in Miami got pulled over, the sisters switched spots (driver to passenger) and both got arrested for DUI. A woman in Massachusetts called police and said she had been abducted, but she just locked herself in trunk because she didn’t want to be arrested for DUI. A woman in New Zealand glued her lips shut and tried to call police for help by grunting over the phone. A couple having sex in an SUV ran over a woman who called 911 on them. A family of 3 from Ohio were arrested for attempting to sever fingers of a romantic rival with pruning shears. A woman in Kansas City, MO poured gas on a bus rider and threatened to light motherfuckers on fire because she wanted that god damned bus seat.
I forgot the rest while I was driving in traffic, so we’ll just have to skip ahead to some chick that started a website full of videos of couples “making love” (or whoopee) instead of fucking like in porn. Her idea is that the world will be full of better lovers if they watch boring missionary intercourse instead of porn star maneuvers. Little Timmy won’t expect to blast his load in little Jenny’s face, and shit will go back to the 1800’s where everybody was stiff, boring, smelly, and the complete opposite of hot. Oh, and her site is a pay-for service so you little kids with working credit cards, there ya go. Talk about dumb ideas, what horny kid is gonna opt for watching old & fat people making love when they can see cock starved whores gobble up wad like it was elixir from the fountain of youth, for free? Some would even argue that porn has made the world better. Could you imagine if you never got blow jobs or titty fucked? That’s just wrong. And with that, I’ll wrap up this re-cap so I can go make a brine for these chickens I’ma be smoking tomorrow for the 4th! Have a good rest of the week and weekend errybody! Oh, speaking of food and ‘Murica, let’s be real assholes and take a minute to make jokes about people from another country! Ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they. How do you start an Ethiopian rave party? Stick a piece of toast on the ceiling. What’s positive about Ethiopia? HIV. And what do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit? Showing off. OH!