Jason Ellis is him, not you, and he knows that because he is him and you may not be quite knowing of that because you are you and may kind of want to be him, and you know what, he can only be happy as he is him and as he is him in certain pants. Am I right, ladies and gentleman? Boom. Big Daddy Jayce Cakes knows the pants that he’s happy in and he knows there are people that are happy in pants that are unlike his happy pants but that’s because society and life shapes us all into the types of pants that we like and that become our happy pants. So you, over there, be happy in your constant sweatpants because those are your happy pants and I will be over hear in my skinny jeans because these are my happy pants. I am not a person who wears sweatpants in public…sweatpants are not my happy pants. My ass is not fabulous and lusciously defined in sweatpants like they are in skinny jeans. But, we’re not really gonna talk about me and my fucking amazing ass, because Ellis isn’t talking about my ass (no matter how much he should be). Tully is totally on board with what Ellis is saying about happy pants and extends it further to include hoodies because Tully Continue reading
You’re listening to The Jason Ellis Show, and it’s Thursday, and you’re reading this which means that you probably didn’t listen to the show and it may not even be Thursday anymore!!! So welcome to your regularly scheduled Thursday recap by the most wonderful female from this website!!! The competition tis stiff, but week after week, I manage to be the best titty toting vagina having writer on here. And yeah…I make that joke almost every week that my truck doesn’t explode..but who cares!!! I have a vagina and boobies and they are wonderful!!!
Ellis starts off the show talking about food and wondering if it tastes better now and if that is the reason that there are so many fat people nowadays. Tully is quick to confirm that, yeah, food sure does taste a lot better now than it probably ever use to but it’s probably not the reason that everyone is fat now. Everyone is fat now because we live in a society of excess where all of the work that we do is not very physical and the people who are doing a lot of the physical work don’t have the means to indulge in the excesses like the rest of us. Tully didn’t say that last bit, but you never would have known that if I hadn’t said anything…so…whatever. They then start talking about the store Air One which was Whole Foods before Whole Foods existed and, if you’re like me and have never seen or been in an Air One imagine the place that Whole Foods would be if it were run by your mom and there were no cakes that had any sort of gluten or sugar or eggs in them. Ellis says that he feels like the gluten free market is really stepping up in their game because a lot of the foods and snacks and desserts at Air One are so good it feels like he’s cheating without cheating…and to people like me who have a cheat day once a week, tat sounds fucking amazing.
Then there is some commotion that goes on outside that the guys can hear inside of the studio and they are thrown off for a few minutes because Tully mentions that he saw two trucks from In&Out Burger at the building next door because it is apparently party day next door and that’s must be where the outside noise is coming from. This leads to discussion about the land outside the studio in general where we have all heard that there is a great view of the Hollywood Sign that…bumbumbum…anyone in the studio can’t see because there is a wall in the way and why doesn’t someone put in a motherfucking window? Tully has the answer good and ready because Tully is kind of like the google of the studio whe the listeners aren’t called to action and informs Tully that to put a window into the wall of the building that is already made of glass it would be two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Insanity. Ellis could hand that shit with a side grinder. Boom. Done.
Around here is where there is some unfortunate drama regarding Cumtard, that girl that flew to LA to bang him, and whatever happened on and after their date last night. It reminded me of the whole Rawdog thing and it got a little edgy and the for some reason Tully decided to take the blame for it, which Ellis didn’t even acknowledge, but it’s one of those things where Ellis got all bummed and angry over someone trying to tell him what he can and can not say on his show. Cumtard was quick to try and mollify the whole thing and say that it’s not him who cares, it’s the girl, but that didn’t really make anything any better and after a few minutes of back and forth and yelling about the whole thing Tully took the reigns and ended it with, “let’s move on”. Thank goodness for that guy. They move on to some talking about Will quitting smoking and how Will doesn’t know the date and he should really figure out what day it was because it’s a big deal and a day that should be remembered. Both @crackerstacker and myself answered the non call and tweeted the show the date because we are awesome, and yeah, you beat me to the punch, buddy, my boobs got in the way. They talked for a bit about vaping and a package they received from Pied Piper Vape Pens, which they were pumped about and the talk of weed spurned them to talking about other kind of drugs and how they should do a show on crack and a show on ecstacy. Or a podcast if they, for some reason, encounter a problem doing drugs in the studio. They talk about how neither of them have ever had a bad experience on ecstacy and it seems likes a reasonably okay drug to dabble in.
Ellis mentions that his thumb hurts as Tully reminisces of the back in the day when he and Cullen were young and invincible and Cullen had a full head of hair and they were on the band scene because Ellis held hard onto the Ultimate Powerchord while he was writing a song and jamming with Katie in their band that is not yet good enough to have a name. Ellis talks about how their band will never really have the kind of band or talent to make a bunch of really good songs, but he truly believes try have it in them to make one really good song filled with Barbaric Brutal Riffs and Tully likens it to being able to find the best item of clothing in a thrift shop. But really, we all know that Ellis is going to be saving his very best for the emergence of HorseForce where Tully is looking forward to Ellis writing the center part of a spiderweb of riffs that he and Christian can build on creating a full spiderweb of wonderful HorseForce music filled with Barbaric Brutal Riffs and they will all go down in history as being a part of the funniest most metal band of all time.
Will gets called back into the studio for some Wolfknives names after he gets off his conference call, not cigarette break, with some dude who’s name I genuinely forget but who runs the My SXM for the phone app and website where you customize your SXM listening experience. The app that I just mentioned is also where you can find The Jason Ellis Channel and never have to feel like you can’t listen to this glorious man talk 24 hours a day. As for the few new members of the Wolfknives….welcome The Toe Cuttah, Pre Cum, The Asian Cajun, Jesus Fucking Christ, Bus Penguin, Michael Felch, and Nobody’s Listenin!!!!
Back from the first break it’s time for some MMA news that I mostly listened to but was driving and took no notes!!!! Apparently everyone got knocked out in their fights and there is no disguising ‘I just for kicked right in the liver’ pain and the kicks that these new guys are throwing these days are new kicks and not the kicks of yesteryear. Tully made fun if one I the Brazilian fighters who had his own name tattooed across his back and Ellis confirmed that Brazilians do indeed have the worst tattoos ever. Chris Weidman, the current champ who’s body broke Anderson Silva’s leg wants his next fight to be with Vitor Belfor and Dana White has said that he would like to see that happen. But..how could that happen when Belfor is all on roids and there’s none of that or TRT in UFC anymore?!?! Ellis su she would have to roid his face off for a while and then get off them long enough to pee in a cup and have it come out clean. Ronda Rousey is also in the news saying that she wants to be the female version of the Rock after her fighting career is over because there is no real female action hero out there and Ellis and Tully are both pretty alright about that. Speaking of The Rock, Tully brings up the forthcoming Hercules (which Ellis thinks is going to suck unless you’re under 12) in regards to an article he read about what Dwayne Johnson’s 7 meals a day diet consisted I for filming. Let’s just say that dude was eating filet mignon twice a day, broccoli, asparagus, and egg whites to the extent that he probably killed several makeup artists over the course of filming by the power of his farts alone. Yuck. They then watch a video of the worst choir of all time which features a bunch of really old people singing today’s hits in what I think I supposed to be three part harmony, but they are so bad that I really am not sure, and Tully concludes that these are the type of old people who were never ever cool. When Ellis gets old he plans on playing pool…he will not be singing in a choir.
Back from the second break it’s halftime so be sure to check whatever balls you have for cancer and remember to not be a patron at any restaurant that serves shark fin soup because it can kill both you and the environment and that looks good on no one.
Joining Ellis and Tully in the studio are Mike Catherwood and his lovely wife Bianca who are there for some good old fashioned marriage counseling from Big Daddy J who Dr. Drew has convinced he is also a doctor. This whole idea came about, for those of you who don’t remember, after Mike and Bianca came to the Gokarting race and Ellis sensed that shit was all kinds of amiss. They get started talking about using natural deodorant and toothpaste, which Tully admits he is also currently using, but eventually they get around to talking about their couple problems which really seems to center around Mike and intimacy issues that he developed after things that happened while he was growing up. Ellis diagnoses that Mike needs more authority and power in the relationship and suggests that the way to accomplish this is for Bianca to kiss Foxxy while Mike grabs her penis (at which point Foxxy enters the studio) and Bianca is all ‘ummmmmm…..no’. The whole kissing, knob holding winds up never happening, but they all do get some real talk in there. Apparently the biggest issue that they are working on is Mike’s complete inability to initiate sex with his wife. Like, ever. Again, this goes back to an intimacy issue and fear of rejection, but Bianca told him that she didn’t want to initiate all of the time, especially after she had the baby. Mike also received tips from Ellis, Tully, and Foxxy on how to be more romantic and loving to his wife in the bedroom and how to slow things down since he admits that he only has one pump speed and that is ‘full speed ahead’. Bianca starts telling a little story about how the most sexually romantic Mike has ever been was when he was giving here a perineal massage in preparation if the home birth of their baby and I had an ‘aw’ ready to burst out of my mouth but Mike ruined it by making a joke about gaping cause, well, remember this intimacy issues? Well…cause of that. He also managed to make an analog of his sex life with his wife to a game of pickup basketball in Venice Beach. Sigh.
During that time there was also some talk about what Ellis would be like as like as a 65 year old if he sex drive stays as high as it is now and they all cultivated a truly spectacular image of Ellis ‘The Cockodile’ with a croc tattooed on his dick and Katie being the Cockodile Hunter (the only one who can tame the beast) and the women that wound encounter the predator and the possible ensuing exploits…and all I can keep thinking about that is I would actually pay money to see Katie dressed up in a sexy Croc Hunter outfit giggling her way through doing an Australian accent saying ridiculous things about The Cockodile.
Back from the final break Tully and Ellis want to to talk about sexual fantasies and who out there has some good ones! Ellis, as we all know, is pretty determined to have a tensome, Tully wants to bang Yolandi from Die Antwood because he’s kind of in love with her in a way that makes me go ‘awwwww’, and Foxxy wants to be a part of a gangbang and now, she doesn’t want any other ladies around- she wants it all about her!! Hell yeah Foxxy!!! There are a lot of calls from listeners with everything from ‘I wish my wife would blow me and swallow my load and enjoy it’ to ‘I want to be gang raped by smurfs’ and ‘I want to have sex with a girl or guy in a horse costume because I love My Little Pony’ and ‘I want to be raped by a mermaid’. Ellis sent a tee shirt to a guy who called in and said he wanted his girlfriend’s (imaginary) girlfriend to titty fuck his cock with his girlfriends tits- which is complicated to say, but damn that sure is some next level titty fucking!! I’ve been trying to think of my sexual fantasy…but….it’s not that I don’t have any…but it’s actually all stuff I’ve already done and that me and Hubbs haven’t had the opportunity to do lately. I almost got some rooftop fucking today…but of course everyone seemed to be around the college campus we were at for a good part of the afternoon in the middle of the goddamn summer!!!!! Ugh!!!!!
ps…sorry for the lack of links!!! I’m writing this on my iPhone cause we are still at work and it does not let me put them in on my phone even the button is right fricking there!!!! I decided to do this from my phone because I have no idea what time we’ll actually be getting home tonight and I wanted to get it posted before, you know, the recap for tomorrow was posted. And I wanna have sex when we get home…a lot of it…cause we didn’t get to have sex on a roof today and that’s a goddamn tragedy!!!
Hey-oh!!! I finished listening to the show at like seven thirty for once…but due to the fact that I have a Hubbs and a Bub and a Pup to take care of…I still didn’t get a chance to start writing this thing until almost 11 at night. On the plus side…I found 40 bucks in the street tonight, so I’m going to go ahead and take that as Karma saying, “Keep fighting the good fight, bitch,” and keep doing what I’m doing. It would have been nicer to find a hundo…but beggars really can’t be choosers and I’m going to shut up about it before Karma thinks I’m ungrateful and my laptop crashes or something.
Opening up The Jason Ellis Show is that new intro that I’m sort of not really a hundred percent on, and neither is Ellis. According to him, it’s almost there, and he and Tully really love Aidan Ashley (who is the new voice on the intro) but it’s still a little bit lacking. To me…it’s still a lot lacking. I dunno…I turned to Hubbs after hearing it for the first time and said, “It sounds like she’s sad.” Because…she sounds like she’s sad. But, the good news is that Tully and Ellis both agree that there is indeed some more tweaking to be done before the show intro is where they want it and will be happy with it…at least for a while until they get the urge to change it again. They talk about perhaps sending out Kevin and Jetta to recruit people on the street to be featured reading from the script while working out, which brings Tully to the subject of working out in general. Tully tells Ellis and all of us that he started the Onnit Naked Challenge again this morning (after intending to do it for the past 5 months or so) and he did it in his backyard, which was embarrassing. Why did it make Tully so red in the face? Well, other than the fact that he was working out (if you aren’t getting all hot and sweaty then you just aren’t doing it right ladies and gentleman), there’s the fact that his wife’s office faces the backyard and he got super winded from doing the five minute exercise. Also, he spent the fifteen ensuing minutes walking around the house hiding from his wife while he recovered from the five minute workout, and he thought it was embarrassing because she sees buff guys at the gym. He does look at the brighter side and say that hopefully his wife sees it as, “well, at least he cares enough to try and get off his pudgy ass and is trying to get in shape”, or something like that. Ellis commiserates because, as we all know, he hasn’t been feeling on top of his game over the last couple of weeks and working out is hard. But it’s all about the big picture, guys, cause once Tully and Ellis get over their workout/fitness/bitchfest hump then their lives will be better for having had the struggle and the power to overcome. Yadda yadda…something inspirational.
This fitness talk spews into variety being the spice of life and the guys talking about whether they would pick a diet of bland food but the ability to sleep with a new woman every night over the tastiest diet of all time and having to be monogamous. Ellis doesn’t really see the allure of bland food and sex with a different girl every night, cause chances are you’ll be eating bland food and having bland sex. Tully says that, if he weren’t in the situation he were in (i.e. if he weren’t married and a daddy) he would choose the bland food and the endless sex buffet because he thinks it would be cool to just have sex with different chicks all of the time. Yeah, he knows that not all of them would be a ten in the sack, but I think he thinks it would be interesting because he would never really know what he was going to get. I mean, a bitch can talk all sorts of game and then lay in bed like a dead fish where a quiet little bunny turns into a fucking beast in the sack. That’s what I would find interesting about that deal and therefore I am attributing these thoughts to Tully as well, because he’s a deep thinker. Not to be mistaken, Tully does clarify that he is perfectly happy in the situation that he is in, but sometimes he likes to get all thoughtful and ponder the things that will never happen to him now that he has a ball and chain and baby to boot. They take a lot of calls at this point on love and relationships, hot sad wives, being stuck in a rut of dating the same kind of hot chick that never works out in the long run, and doing steroids and our favorite hosts dole out their winning advice of sounds like you need to move to a warm climate, try dating ugly chicks and stop meeting ladies at the bar, and don’t do steroids.
Steroids gets them back to talking about fitness because Tully says that he doesn’t think chicks are really into overly muscle-y dudes anymore. That was so totally an 80’s thing. And, speaking on behalf of the female population, no, we are not in to super muscle-y guys. Yeah, there are some chicks that dig that- mostly because they are probably super shallow and can’t find two neurons in their head to rub together long enough to get a synapse to fire and therefor just need something overtly manly to ogle and desire, but most chicks I know and most chicks I talk to…we want a regular guy. Yeah, it’s nice if you’re a fit guy who doesn’t get winded walking down the block, but guys with tons of muscles are horrible cuddlers. It’s like trying to get all mushy with a rock. A fresh chip of the boulder rock, not an ocean wave softened rock. But fitness has become a status symbol in society. It’s part of the package. You know that you’ve made it if you have a lot of money, have a good job, know how to dress yourself, drive a nice car, go out to schmancy restaurants, and are still fit. Fit is the cherry on top of the ‘you’re doing good in life’ sundae. I think it partly has to do with the fact that what is seen as ideal in society is often the thing that is hard to attain. Back in the day when lots of people were basically starving all of the time, being fat was the ‘in’ thing to do. People knew that you had it going on because you could afford to not only eat, but to indulge to the point where you were overweight while they continued digging their future grave in their backyard that would only ever get partially dug because they’d die from starvation in the process. Just like anorexia and bulimia are big in the fashion world because a model figure is seen as ideal…it is not something everyone can have and even the people who do have it try and kill themselves to maintain it. Now, we’re on a binge of fitness. Not really the worst thing ever. But it’s hard. It is hard to work all of the time, have a family, eat right, and get a workout in there. I know, because I’m the bitch who works out at home at midnight in her kids’ room cause he’s sleeping in my bed. So yeah..fitness equates with status. But also…sometimes you just want to eat pizza for dinner and then a breakfast burrito with cheese and bacon the next morning. The struggle is real.
Back from the break, Tully let’s us know that, at some point, they will be doing the Unsigned Bands segment again on the show and if you have an unsigned band and want to send in some tunes, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org and maybe you’ll hear your band get made fun of on the radio. Or, you may even hear your band get a rare ‘hey, this isn’t completely shitty’ type of shout out. Also, Ellis and Tully have put out the call for props to have in the studio for guests to take instagram pictures with, so if you have something that you think they would like, please feel free to send them a picture and or description of that item to the above email address as well.
It’s time for, what may very well be, my favorite game on the show!!! The Etsy Thing! Which there is no intro for, so Wilson, where are you?!?!? Say some shit and let’s throw an intro together. What? What’s that Will? You don’t like doing intros and think that it’s embarrassing? But you’re so good at them! No one does them like you do (except for maybe THC, but he’s basically cheating by being as awesome as he is) and this game has been played a handful of times and needs an intro! Eventually Will spits some wonderful phrases out for an intro in return for Jetta doing a guest HateBean song, which he doesn’t completely suck at doing- but I had a way better idea for a chorus than the shit that he spewed, for the record, and now it actually is time for the Etsy Thing. The Etsy Thing, for anyone who doesn’t know, is when the guys have to guess what a random item on Etsy (on online store for random homemade shit) is being sold for. The items today were:
- A hanging hairless cat bat sculpture for the lowlow price of $40
- A fart in a jar for the bargain of $54
- A magical living god ring that brings luck and genie wishes for $3000
- A Camo/Hunter Orange knitted cock cozy for $12 (a steal!!!!)
- A Fecal Love Mixtape with Authentic Pubic Hair for $17.14
- Petrified Whale Vertebrae for $70
- Prehistoric Fossil Poop for $12
- A Taxidermy Toad coin purse for $25 (but you can’t have it, Ellis bought it)
- Cock and Balls Catnip holding dick for $20
- Crochet Boob Pillow with hand and nipple ring for $38
- Alien Sex Business Card Holder for $9.99 (Tully swooped in and bought that one)
- The Original Boob Scarf for $25
- Hand Crafted Wood Flogger for $139.99
Ellis won the game and there were a lot of good and bad guesses and they were all pretty neck and neck up until the end. Tully is overall the best at the game, in my opinion, because he goes all deep into the mind of the Etsy folk and usually only gets a point snagged because he’s over when other people are off but under. That’s what she said. Maybe. But probably not. Before the break Tully rattles off some props that they may be interested in for instagram photos which include a conehead, chimp hands, blonde mullet wig, Viking helmet, hot dog hat, and battlesword.
Back from the second break Tully tells us that CumTard introduced him to a new genre of music that he is pretty sure a genuine attempt at creating a new genre and isn’t a joke. The genre is gay rap and the movement is being fronted by a rapper from Louisiana named Fly Young Red with his latest single called ‘Throw That Boy Pussy’ the video of which Ellis wouldn’t want his children to see because he doesn’t want to have to explain that to them yet. Upon saying this, Ellis thinks about how there is the existing double standard because if there were girls in place of the guys in the video he wouldn’t think twice about letting his children watch it, but if this video came on while his kids were in the living room he would get up and change the channel. Tully thinks that’s perfectly acceptable because there’s a difference between being against homosexuality and whatnot and not wanting to have to explain something to your kids just yet. Tully then brings up ‘The Gay Agenda’ and honestly, I’m not even touching that. I hate that phrase in genera for its inherent negative connotations. Gay people aren’t trying to take over the world, guys, they’re just trying to live in it.
Now…time for Hollywood News! There’s a lot going on in Hollywood, first on the list being that Pamela Anderson has come out and said that her children (who are 16 and 17) now know that she has a sex tape. They have not seen it, because no one wants to see their mom in that position…ever…but they do know that it exists. Tully brings up how it seems that there were more sex tapes being leaked back when you had to make a sex tape with an actual camcorder, as opposed to now where everyone has a perfectly capable camera in their pocket on the phone. Ellis thinks it’s because camera phones and phones are a major downer in the sack, but a camcorder makes you feel like you’re making a porno. Joe Francis (The Girls Gone Wild Guy) has said that he and his chick are ready to have a baby. Well…what if he has a girl? Ellis doesn’t think it matters either way because he’s pretty sure that Joe Francis plans on spending very little time with his child and is just ‘ready to have a baby’ to make his chick, who is super hot, happy. Mace…or Mase…or…I dunno, but he was a rapper turned religious guy turned rapper turned religious guy again back in the day and then fell off the radar, but he’s back in the news. He and his wife have a book and built a whole church and business about how to have a marriage as happy as theirs, and TMZ just recently discovered that Mace/Mase filed for divorce last year. The couple appear to have patched it up and are still together…but lol…have a marriage as good as ours that almost completely fell apart!!! Although, you can also look at it as…they’re marriage was about to end, but they managed to work it out and are still together. That’s called optimism, I believe. In some sad news, L’Wren Scott was found hanged in her apartment and her death has been ruled a suicide. She was a model/fashion designer, as well as being in a 12 year relationship with Mick Jagger, who was devastated by the news of her death. There are a lot of rumors surrounding her suicide, including her company being millions in the hole, Mick Jagger breaking up with her (which he denies), and The Rolling Stones hating her. Whatever the reason, it’s sad news, so I’m not going to make any jokes about it.
Back from the third break Tyler Posey, newest member of Death Death Die is in the studio. He is pumped to be back hanging out with Ellis and Tully and is even wearing a Wolfknives shirt, which is beyond awesome…and now…all of a sudden, the influx of really young sounding callers over the past couple of months is making more and more sense. TyPo chats with Ellis about Teen Wolf and is super happy that Ellis watches it, and they talk about him being in the band playing the Keytar, then get him to riff on the keytar and they share some stories, most notably one where Ellis tells about how the Burn Out King pulled off the Ultimate Burn Out in honor of Ellis’ father after he died and it was the burn out to end all burn outs. It was a pretty touching story, all things considered, and you could tell that it really meant a lot to Ellis. TyPo was a great, adorable guest, and although I can’t tell him from a hole in the wall I followed him on Instagram when Ellis tagged him in a photo cause if Ellis likes him, he can’t be all that bad, right?
Things we learned on the show today:
Devin has a bladder infection and Ellis was up at 345 AM meanwhile the Mummy slept until 11
Rick is a lovely guy
Women hate when you say “All women…”
Ellis is getting his RCH bike tomorrow
Valhalla Rising was a sick Viking movie #mudrape
It’s the Mexrichauns fault the TV keeps shutting off
Ken Block has a barbecue on his truck better than the one at your house
Vikings made awesome swords 800 years before anyone else did
You knew you were in with Dee if she brought you a bowl of nuts
Ellis had to put together Devin’s Heely’s and that’s pretty fucked up
The shocker should not be your go to sex move
James Franco doesn’t smoke weed
All Australians can do the best burn outs ever
Tiggie things a period is something that makes your butt explode in your pants
TyPo wants Ellis to dock him (and yeah…I had to google wtf that meant)
Hardcore’s girlfriend wants to have sex with TyPo
TyPo and Ellis both have dagger tattoos…cause they’re brothers, duh
Will’s life is made up of Pink Floyd, Lanyards, and Beans
Welcome to this Thursday’s recap of The (ever wonderful) Jason Ellis Show!!! I will open with the same words of wisdom that Ellis himself opened with this afternoon (or noon on the west coast) and say, “uhhhh…” Boom. Take that, Nietzsche, you mother fucker. Opening the show Ellis talks about how he is now the kind of guy who drives around with a dress shirt in the back of his car, because he is a man of many faces. Also, he doesn’t really get how all those business guys hang the shirt in the back of the car, because it creates a big blind spot and is dangerous, and he drives a Porsche and there isn’t a hook over the back passenger windows like in lowly sedans. But Ellis really is a man of many faces! He has 3 faces in fact- his RadioFace, his SuperDadFace, and his TVFace. His SuperDadFace has been out in full force with the kiddies, so much so that he’s pretty sure that his kinds are going to have bruised armpits from all of his poking and tickling and wrestling around. Speaking of wrestling, at one point Tiggie drop kicked SuperDadFace and managed to hit Devin in the process, which probably wouldn’t have been such a big deal, except she has rubber bands on her back teeth because she is getting braces. Tomorrow. Which sort of sucks, but Tully and Ellis agree that it’s better to get braces over with when you’re young, and at least she has the kind of parents that can afford to give her braces. Also…the ganked up teeth is totally Mummy’s fault. So there. Driving through the backstreets of Beverly Hills SuperDadFace noticed that some people in Beverly Hills are so rich that they’re houses are entire streets and they have driveways with statues and shit. But…that’s also kind of lame because if you have that much money why the fuck would you bother with statues and lame waterfalls and not install wave pools? Because the rich is wasted on the rich, and youth is wasted on the young, is the explanation that Tully provides and everypone agrees because Tully is like the fucking oracle of The Jason Ellis Show. Although…he admittedly stalks out BitPimps on twitter on the reg…so actually…BitPimps is the Oracle of The Jason Ellis Show and Tully just does a really good job of stealing his thunder. Back from my tangent and on to the tangent that was actually on the show: Michael Jackson was a seriously rich person and he had the idea right when it came to trying to buy cool and fun toys to have a grown up version of a little kid playland, but he sort of sucked in the execution and picked out bad toys. Really…he had a carousel and little boys aren’t interested in carousels…Mikey J should have had a construction site up in Neverland!!! Duh.
Ellis then wants Jetta to come into the studio and doesn’t want to yell for Jetta, but he also can’t find the Jetta button which he knows exists, but can’t find. So, Jetta!! Where is the Jetta button? Cumtard then comes in to tell where the Jetta button is and explain why it’s there instead of on the main page (it’s on show drops) and when Ellis presses it he decides that the Jetta button is too long or, as Tully puts it, it burns the listener’s ear, and they talk about Jetta being a white boy show pony and decide that his new button needs to be the creepy little boy from the Jetta commercials that goes “Zoom zoom” as it has the added entertainment bonus where Ellis and Tully can try to convince people that Jetta is the grown up version of that creepy little boy. Oh, and the THC Google button is awesome. Of course. Ellis then talks about how he wants to be sponsored by RockStar Energy because then he could have one of the RockStar Energy pole dancer girls in the studio on a pole dancing and occasionally kicking people in the head, because that would be awesome.
Somehow they get on the subject of Carey Hart and how he keeps having to have back surgeries because his back is absolutely trashed from riding moto. The man literally sacrificed his health and trashed the shit out of his back to further the sport and it’s amazing and sad at the same time, because he is years from being a competitor in the game and he is still suffering from it, as well as having the stress of Team RCH and Hart and Huntington, as well as being a daddy and a hubby and not taking any pain killers because he wants to be able to feel his face. Tully and Ellis talk about how it’s really hard to win in the long run with action sports and be set for life as a result of making a name for yourself. In fact, Tully brings up that it seems to be kind of hard for people in any sport to be set for life just for playing and brings up examples from Baseball where all these famous baseball players had side jobs in the off season and then after retiring sold cars and shit. Of course there are always that handful that are super famous and get tons of endorsement deals and don’t piss away all of their millions…but there are many more who have to be working schlubs like the rest of us once the cameras don’t want to look at their faces anymore. Except Joe Rogan, who is winning at the game of life. He is the winner of the winners of the game of life. In case you were wondering. They decided this after he tweeted something, but I missed what he tweeted because I impaled the roof of my mouth with a blunt object and started bleeding all over the place…and that is what I consider a legitimate excuse. Especially because I was driving when this happened and all I said to Hubbs was, “I need paper towels” and then spat blood all over the steering wheel. I am a hardcore bitch.
On the subject of sports, it’s that time of every two years again…the Winter Olympics!! Does anyone really care about the Olympics anymore? Ellis doesn’t. Tully doesn’t. I don’t really care either, if you were wondering…so no…none of us important people care. Hahaha…see what I did there? It seems like the only reason people care all that much this year is because they are in Russia and Russia made a big deal about hating gay people (because…Russia) and there are all sorts of shady Olympic things going down in the Olympic village as there are no locks or doorknobs on a lot of the hotel doors, you can’t flush the toilet paper OR fish in the toilet, and….how the fuck did the Olympics wind up in Russia again? Ummm…no one really knows, but it is the opinion of Tully and the Dingo that it’s because the Olympics are pretty fucking suspect and there was probably some money changing all sorts of hands. Ellis thinks that it’s a bit weird that people still care about the Olympics when it’s a big sham and says that the Olympics are like a shady version of the X-Games, which is kind of weird considering usually the younger things are the more weird, offbeat, suspect things. Irony at work, people. Tully thinks that the Olympics used to be way more entertaining back when he was 7 because when he was 7 there were only 5 channels on television and it was something different to watch, but that isn’t the world we live in anymore. Entertainment has gotten better and the Olympic Rings are showing their true colors. Plus, aren’t Olympians just a bunch of privileged kids who had parents that had tons of money to toss into their training and turn them into rich pricks meaning that, at their core, they are unrelatable to the average human beings that they are supposed to represent? A caller calls in and calls bullshit, saying that Olympians come from a lot of diversified backgrounds and often are talented kids who have crazy abilities and get sponsored by rich people throwing money at them. Maybe. But the jury is still out. Ellis says that you know the Olympics sucks because even the worst event at the X-Games is wayyyyyyyy better than Curling, which everyone knows is the worst event at the Olympics. Ellis then says that there should be street pole vaulting instead of parkour and he would love to watch a video of a ton of parkour pole vaulter’s eating shit in one big compilation and laugh his ass off for days. In fact, Ellis would love to do a stunt where he rollerbladed down a ramp to parkour pole vault over a canyon because that’s a whole bunch of horrible ‘sports’ rolled into one. But…there should be water at the bottom of the canyon…because no one wants to see him die.
Back from the first break Ellis and Tully are joined in studio by Frank DeCaro, who thought the Mike Tyson rejoin was Ellis doing a really good impression of Mike Tyson…when in fact it is Mike Tyson doing a really good impression of Mike Tyson. Then Frank brings up the one thing that Ellis didn’t want to talk about, which is the pending George Zimmerman Celebrity Boxing match. Why doesn’t Ellis want to talk about it? Cause it’s a bunch of bullshit! Who the fuck decided that Zimmerman was a celebrity in the first place? Isn’t this a horrible example to set for future generations seeking fame? All you have to do is kill someone of a different race in sort of whacky circumstances and have a highly public trial if you wanna be considered a celebrity, kids. Give me a fucking break. That’s really my issue with it. The issue that Ellis seems to be having with it is that it’s not going to be a real fight and whomever he fights isn’t going to murder him in the ring, which he deserves. Now, TJES talked about the Zimmerman/Martin trial a bit and they did a really good and objective segment on it that I applauded before I wrote for this wonderful, wonderful site, but I agree with Ellis…at this point Zimmerman needs to be punched in the face in a particularly no-holds barred kind of way. I mean. Really. Anyway, Frank DeCaro was super excited that he got a Wolfknives shirt and was “Oh Boy!” excited when Ellis explained that it meant that he is a part of a gang now, because Frank has never been a delinquent before. Oh boy! He then talks a little bit about his upcoming show about Showgirls and the various parts he plays in it, and his first audition since moving to LA where he walked into a room with a bunch of different versions of himself which he described as Tall Me, Fat Me, Really Fat Me, Ginormous Me, Old Me, Black Me, Jewish Me, and the oddball random straight guy. And they were all wearing bowties. Frank really wants to be a Regular on a sitcom and Tully pitches an idea where Ellis and Frank have their own sitcom where they are gay lovers that maintain their real life personalities and boom…hilarity ensues. Ellis thinks that story line could work for their characters to be on Workaholics, which would then obviously lead to their own spin off show, and then the rest will be history. Oh, we can dream, we can dream. Ellis then tells Frank that Cumtard is homophobic and a hole other sort of hilarity ensues as Cumtard vehemently denies being homophobic and Frank says that he himself is homophobic and doesn’t really like to have sex all that much with his husband, but truly enjoys having sex with himself. There is a lot of anal sex talk and it is explained to Frank that Cumtard would rather eat the ass of a 90 year old lady with diarrhea in her underwear than receive anal from an Asian man who is the best anal lover in the known world. Everyone else in the studio- Ellis, Tully, Jetta, Mike Jasper (who popped in a few minutes before), and Frank say they would of course rather have anal than eat that calamity, but CumTard holds out. Calls are taken speculating on whether CumTard is homophobic or not and some people come to his defense, one with an Asian slur (bad form, dude, the G word doesn’t look good on anyone), and finally CumTard says that he would rather have anal than eat a birthday cake crafted entirely from shit. Speaking of birthday cake, it’s Will’s birthday today! Happy Birthday Wilson!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They present Will with a Hate Bean cake and I imagine they all have heart eyes and pat Will on the back and have a little bit of a love in over the break.
Back from the break Tully informs us that police in Kansas City are still working to find the killer of Police Officer Jason Ellis on May 26, 2013 and are looking for anyone with information to contact them at EllisCaseETips@KY.Gov and any information in helping catch the perpetrator will result in a $200,000 reward. If you or anyone you know has any information, help out, do the right thing, share this on your social media site of choice.
In the studio, the guys are joined by a new guest! Chanel West Coast, who is a rapper, musical performer type cute button of a person that Ellis knows from Rob Drydek’s Fantasy Factory and Ridiculousness. She plays a sort of ditzy girl on the shows, but in real life is pretty smart and knows what’s going on. She admits that she isn’t as dumb blonde in real life, but after watching the show she noticed she got a lot of air time with the whole ditzy thing and decided to run with it, because that’s how it’s done when you wanna be successful ladies and gentlemen. Apparently Rob came across her while she was on Myspace and after she tried to get him to come to a couple of shows he asked her if he wanted to be on his show Fantasy Factory cause he was looking for a girl to fill the role. She said yes, and I guess you could say that the rest is history. And…that’s the second time I’ve used that cliché in this recap, and I apologize, but it’s midnight and I worked 14 hours today so my brain is a little fried. Ellis kind of flirts with Chanel, but kind of doesn’t because he sees her as a little sister and he talks about how weird it is when he sees her butt on instagram. Chanel talks about he rise to music fame, playing her single for Li’l Wayne and not being afraid of anyone…except for spiders, because she saw a wicked spider bite once and ain’t no one got time for that. She talks about partying a bit, not sleeping enough, and training with her new trainer because she wants a booty like Beyoncé (because…who doesn’t) and Ellis does his very best to be gross and wig out her publicist. They play one of her songs, New Feeling, I believe it was called, and it was pretty good by Ellis’ standards, even though it isn’t really his kind of music. He can respect talent when he hears it. Or sees it. Or whatever.
Ellis was on the Dr. Drew show tonight, but when they were talking about it on the show it was under the whole, Ellis is going to be on the Dr. Drew show tonight vibe, and they talked for a couple minutes about the topics that Ellis would be (or already did) talk about on the show. First topic was a re-visit to the topic of the Affluenza Teen who really really isn’t going to jail for running down people while drunk since he had the wonderful defense of being too rich to know the definition of the word consequences and a new story involving someone named Mike Dunn who shot a teenager who told him to fuck off.
But…no one cares about that right now because Mark Magrath and Tara Beaulieu are in the studio now!!! Wooooo!!!! The show of a billion guests!!! And, now that I see her name spelled I can fucking say it!!! Thank the fucking fictional maker. Anyway. She gets yelled at by French people for how she pronounces her last name, but they can go fuck themselves because it’s her last name and she has awesome side boob. She also likes to date much younger guys and has broken up with her 19 year old boyfriend for a 22 year old boyfriend and is going to have a stripper pole installed in her house for her young lovers to perform dances on for her. Mark McGrath and Tara Beaulieu have a show together called Killer Karaoke which Mark describes as American Idol meets Fear Factor after a bad, drunk one night stand. Ellis tells Mark that he saw a part of the show once and noticed that Killer Karaoke stole his pat a predator bit. They talk a lot about how Ellis is awesome and he’s the King of the West and Mark McGrath is honestly so funny and perfect as a guest that he should fill the third chair, I thought Hubbs was going to asphyxiate he was laughing so hard. And I don’t think that I can really adequately capture that in re-cap form, so go listen to at least the end of the show on demand. They played a shortened version of Ellis Jeopardy, which was cut short due to the fact that Mark was taking the game wayyyyyyyy too seriously and the game is obviously rigged in Tully’s favor as he knows Ellis best and they have like a weird mind reading thing going on. It was hilarious though, he was snarky and funny about it. They talked about Mark being on Rock and Roll Jeopardy and he was the master of that and Mark thinks that’s when the general public started to realize that he wasn’t as big of a douche as everyone thought he was. They take calls and….oh god!!!!! I almost forgot to mention that Mark and Tara absolutely do not believe how much Ellis and Katie have sex!!!! They talk about it at the beginning of the segment and at the end and Mark absolutely refuses to believe that Ellis has sex four to five times a day with Katie. But Ellis tells Mark and Tara that he loves Katie and he went to therapy for her and that it’s her fault because she walks around half naked all of the time and is just as into sex as he is. The show goes out with Ellis defending his sex life and ends with a final caller recap, which I will admit I turned off while saying, “I don’t need to listen to him…I own him.”
What we learned on the show today:
It was either really awesome, or really shitty being Michael Jackson’s contractor
Hulk Hogan is hopefully the biggest pot head of all time
Joe Rogan wins at life and is constantly tripping balls
Utah is beautiful, but it’s because of Mitt Romney the Olympics ever happened there
Tully saw his cat and his cat was super happy to see him after three months
The Olympics in Russia might have happened because of the Russian Mafia
TJES is a temple of misogyny
Frank DeCaro would pull his dick out at the supermarket if it were larger
Only 20% of Americans said that they couldn’t live without sex
Frank DeCaro is basically just a gay CumTard
The politically correct transgender field is a minefield
HateBreed + Hate Bean + Hate Beek = Metal as Fuck
Chanel West Coast smokes a lot so that’s why she didn’t remember to text Ellis back…and that is the only acceptable excuse a person can have
Tyler Posey’s face is a 9 but his soul is an 11
Dr, Drew is Ellis’ National TV Friend…Sam Rubin knows how the game is played
Tara can’t wear a push up bra on Killer Karaoke because it’s too distracting
Ellis Jeopardy isn’t up to Mark McGrath’s Jeopardy Standards
Mark McGrath playing Ellis Jeopardy is the best/worst thing of all time and should either happen every week…or never again
Mark McGrath has a punk rock dick and loves small vaginas
Tara is creeping on young Ellisfam on Instagram
There are 3 members of ZZ Top
James Hetfield is the greatest lead singer of all time, not Chris Cornell
Ellis considers Mick Jagger to be the first cool American…lol
That guy sucked but he worked hard and built himself up and banged the hottest chick ever- Kid Rock
Ellis and Katie pee on each other and laugh about it
TRT is better than HGH- if you go to sleep on your stomach, you will wake up levitating
Shoutout and Condolences to TJES caller David- sorry for the loss of your brother, Ellisfam’s collective heart goes out to you and thank you PatriotGuard.org for doing what you do and being there for this soldier’s funeral. Spread love, not hate.
Happy Happy Birthday to Az_RedDragon who is the one who connected me to this site and a lot of you absolutely wonderful people!!!!
Happy Birthday to my brother, Scottie from NY..I love love love you and I know you had a terrible day, but hugs and kisses from me and Hubbs to you!!!!
From somewhere near Beverly Hills…it’s the Jason Ellis Show!!!! Woooooooooo!!!! And I am going to take the time to apologize if any of you reading this at some point go ‘she’s talking about shit out of order’ because life sucks sometimes and you listen to the show out of order and the SiriusXM app hates your life. Also, sometimes people call you instead of calling the fire department when the carbon monoxide alarm goes off. Because they’re stupid.
The show opened up today with the wise words of Ellis, “Heyyyyyy…welcome,” and I am sure that future generations will remember him as a great speaker and philosopher. But yeah, it’s one of the reasons that we love him, right? Anyway…he doesn’t usually get into the whole singing Christmas carols thing cause he’s a tough cool guy and tough cool guys don’t sing Christmas carols at preschool Christmas carol sing a longs. This morning Ellis and Katie met mummy at Tiger’s school for what was supposed to be a Holiday themed concert where Ellis would get to sit back and relax and listen to Tiger and a bunch of other four year olds sing Christmas carols and Hannukah songs and eat cakes, but it didn’t go quite as planned. First of all, Andrea had told him that there would be snacks there for consumption so he didn’t eat a lot of breakfast, but when he went to take some of the snacks a teacher (who was clearly drunk on the power of bossing around 4 year olds all day long) told him that he had to wait until after the performance and Ellis felt like a dick because he already had the plate in his hand. But whatever. Then, the parents assembled for the concert were informed that it would be less like a concert and more like a sing a long and Ellis groaned and said that he wasn’t going to sing, because he’s too cool for that shit. That lasted for about a minute until the kids came out and Tiger came up to him and told him that he wanted Daddy Ellis to come and sit in the circle with him and sing along. Ellis couldn’t say no so he handed the video camera over to Katie for her to capture the moment. And that’s when shit started to get awkward. It’s no secret that Ellis and his ex-wife actually get along and are friendly to each other, and that Katie is in on it also because she is awesome. Ellis sometimes gets weirded out by that since it will randomly occur to him that he has had sex with the two people standing next to each other and laughing at his jokes, but the awkward got pushed to another level when Mummy came to sit next to him and Tiger and carol along while Katie filmed them. Ugh. Ellis didn’t know what to say about that whole thing other than, “Well that was awkward,” but it seems that Katie took the whole thing in stride and didn’t cause a fuss about it. Tully points out that Ellis is lucky that he gets along with his ex, and that Katie gets along with her too, and that maybe he can have the best of both worlds and down the road it won’t be so awkward. Ellis agrees and says that time heals all wounds and while shit gets kinda awkward now, down the line it will probably be less so.
The other side of that same coin, are parents who have a baby together and break up or get divorced (because seriously, more people are getting knocked up out of wedlock than ever before) and then one parent starts a new family and treats the new kids like they are made of gold and treats their ummmm….old (?) kid like they have leprosy and are coated in a thick layer of dog poop. And yeah, Ellis and Tully both agree that if you do that, you are a dick bag. They talk mostly about the father’s being the ones who are doing all of the bad, and say that people like that are more evil than the assholes who are mean to everybody, because being mean to one of your kids in favor of your new kids with a new lady is next level evil shit and you should just have the worst shit happen to you at that point. Tully does touch on the fact that there are mothers that do it too, that it’s not always the men, and since you’re reading this you have to listen to my opinion/experience on the subject which is: yeah, bitches do it too, which to me is a little worse since that little person came out of you and I do deal with a baby momma from fucking hell and the worst part is that she doesn’t even have another kid yet. She couldn’t care less about her kid in favor of her fucking lame-ass boyfriend. So yeah, bitches suck just as hard, and sometimes it’s a little more next next level evil douchebaggery.
The guys also get onto the subject of old people having kids and how old is too old to have a baby, because people are pushing them out older and older these days. So, how old is too old? Ellis thinks that if you wanna have a baby you should prolly at least have a good twenty years left on this Earth so that you can play with them and impart your knowledge and get to watch them grow up for the most part. But, how can you figure on having 20 more years on the planet when we all know that tomorrow is never a guarantee? Tully says that yeah, you can’t say that you will definitely get through tomorrow, but you know around how old your relatives are/were when they died (and if you don’t know off-hand the information is generally pretty easy to come by) so there is a good yardstick for some guesstimation. There are a lot of risks with being older and getting pregnant- after some googling done by Jetta we learn that the incidence of having a baby with down syndrome, ectopic pregnancies, and miscarriages drastically increase- but if you want a baby, then (as a caller suggested) you just gotta roll with the punches because the reward is worth the risk involved. As for worrying about having a baby with Down Syndrome…what’s the harm in that? Ellis and Tully both think that babies with Down Syndrome are delightful, though there is definitely a lot more work and a lot longer of a parent commitment involved. Also, you can always adopt a baby if you’re older and too worried about the risk and too worried about your older body not bouncing back the way that it would have when you were 20, and there are tons of babies out there looking to be adopted and you will change that baby’s life for the better.
Back from the break we learn that people in Washington State are allowed to smoke weed legally and have been able to for over a year now. So yeah, that’s not really news…what is news is the mammoth amount of fucking weed the people in Washington State imbibed over the past year. It was estimated (I guess at the beginning of the year) that the residents number 6.8 million would consume approximately 85 metric tons of weed over the course of the year. Nope. Didn’t happen. What did happen was that Washington State residents used over 185 metric tons of marijuana. That’s more than double if you suck at math and were wondering, or 50 joints per resident (man, woman, and child) over the course of the year. Holy shit. They must be some happy, relaxed motherfuckers. No wonder they see sparkly vampires. In other news, Rude Jude, who we all know and love wrote a book and it has officially been released so you should probably go out and buy it!!! Wilson has read a few of the stories in the book and says that he is going to buy a copy even though he already got one for free, because Jude is awesome and his book Hyena will hopefully get on the NY Times Bestseller list with some help from Ellisfam. I know that I’m going to hit up the bookstore to see if I can land myself a copy tomorrow.
The guys also did assign some Wolfknives names and I’m generally really good at listing them all and doing a little welcome paragraph, but my listening was so fucked up today and I didn’t write them all down but the ones that I remember are Bo Jangles, God Satan, Maccordian, Dick-Fil-A, Low Carb Andy, Fish Lightening, and Electric Boogalou (thanks Hubbs). Welcome to the Wolfknives guys, and if I didn’t remember you and you happen to be reading this, feel free to leave a comment with your name so I can look at it and feel bad about myself (but not really:)
Back from another break, which may or may not have been before or after the previous break, we learn that a Calgary Man named Tom Crist who subscribes to play the lottery on a yearly basis actually won a $40 million jackpot, which is a shit ton of money that I would probably do really immoral things for. What is this Canadian going to do with all of that cash? Why, he is going to donate every cent to charity, of course, cause he’s Canadian and that shit would never happen in America. It is true that the man is retired after selling a multi-million dollar company and who admittedly has already made sure that he and his children are taken care of, but the real reason that this man felt compelled to donate this absurd amount of money was his wife sadly passed away two years ago after a battle with cancer, and he wants the money to go towards cancer research as well as benefit the hospital that she received her treatment at. His kids are cool with his decision too, which we know because one of them called the show. Seriously. And Ellis thinks no one listens. The son of a multi millionaire listens. His name is Robbie and he talked about how he’s a good boy, has punched a guy out of a bar for shit talking his girlfriend who is pregnant with his child, and couldn’t be happier that his father is donating the money and feels that it is what his mom would have wanted. It is easy to say that there should be more people like this man and his family in the world so we could finally achieve world peace.
Time for a highbrow segment…but first, Vanessa has Fauxnuts. Cumtard, who is now in the studio, has never had one before and Tully doesn’t want to tell him what it is before he tries it because he doesn’t want Kevin’s tasters to go in biased. Cumtard likes the fauxnut and Tully proceeds to tell him that it is an everything free donut and it’s good for you (or at least not as bad since it still has sugary goodness) but Wilson didn’t like it. Will clarifies that he thinks that they are okay- they are really good for a healthy food and not so good for a junkfood food. Listening to them eat fauxnuts made me want a donut. Will asks the guys if they had a billion dollars at what age Ellis and Tully would hand money over to their kids and how much money they would give them. Ellis said he would pay for his kids education for sure, and if they were going to college and not fucking around he would buy them a car, but beyond that they would have to commit to partaking in some ridiculous obstacle course which included beating him in a lap of something (that something being heavily weighed in his favor) if they wanted any more. At some point in all of this they also did Tard That Tune, and I’m pretty sure that it was around here somewhere since Will stayed in the studio. It was Tard That Tune Volume 3 and proved to be challenging, not only because Kevin decided to throw in a bunch of weird 80’s tracks, but also because for some of them he was too high to realize that the sounds he was making made absolutely no sense in the song. And yeah…his neighbors probably think that he is absolutely insane.
There is some talk about fucking old guys, but not just any old guys, FAMOUS old guys. Because I mean, if you’re gonna be a guy and fuck an old guy and you aren’t gay, then he should probably be famous. The general consensus after some discussion was that they would all fuck Sean Connery and they would brag to each other about it. Why? Probably because Connery is the bad ass of bad assery, he was James Bond, he pulls off being so old that his whole head is just patterned facial hair, and fucking him would kind of just make you more manly. Who are some of the rejects? Sir Ian McKellen was a big NO, Sly Stallone did not make the cut, neither did the governator, or Clint ‘My Face is Falling Off’ Eastwood. There was an argument to be made for Harrison Ford, because hello Indiana Jones, Han Solo, and Jack Ryan, but Tully feels like he got prematurely old and crotchety. Fuck you Tully, Harrison Ford basically tops my list for ANY celebrity I would fuck, young or old because he is fucking awesome. For the record I would also do Sean Connery. And Bruce Willis, but he wasn’t brought up cause he isn’t 70 yet.
The guys wrap up the show with a brand new segment that was so amazing it lasted over an hour and a half and became final calls and had everyone calling the show with stories about the dumbest things that they have ever done. Not…not dumb…straight up life-threateningly, fire hazard, ball ripping, dick slicing, car crashingly stupid. Tully opens the segment up with a tale from his adventures in cross country barefoot road tripping where he and his friends went hopping around Chicago looking to buy some weed. Long story short, he got mugged twice and probably should have been killed twice, but got to keep his wallet and a shred of his dignity as well as having an awesome story to tell for years to come. Wilson regaled us with the story of how he threw an M80 into an oil barrel in his father’s shop that was filled with flammable liquid and the resulting blow (after he peeped in to see what was taking so long) singed off his eyebrow, melted his eyelashes together, and straight up blew his eyeball into a big red mess with no decipherable pupil or iris. Kevin kept a journal as a 13 year old boy. Even more stupid than that he wrote about his first sexual conquest in excruciating detail and his mom found it. Ellis wasn’t really sure what the stupidest thing he has ever done was, but eventually comes up with the time that he punched a beer mug and sliced up his hands and needed stitches and then couldn’t straighten his arms or skate properly. The phones wouldn’t stop on this subject and it would take me a good hour and a half to share all of the gloriously stupid stories that people called in with, so I’m gonna only do a couple:
When Jordan was 13 years old he decided to do his mom a favor and install the electric can opener that had been sitting around unopened for a month. Wanting to test it out he tried it on the only can that he could find, which just so happened to be a can of spray paint. After he punctured the spray paint can it exploded all over the kitchen, including into an outlet, which set the kitchen and his arms on fire. The good news is that he managed to get the kitchen fire out all by himself, but he did wait until after the fire in the kitchen was out before putting his arms out and he wound up in the hospital for a few days with 3rd degree burns.
Clayton ran himself over when he was 16 and drunk. He first crashed his car into a ditch and telephone combo to avoid hitting another car. He returned to his buddy’s house rather than continue his 5 minute journey home, forgot to put his car in park, and when it started to roll toward his buddy’s house he decided to try and stop it with his body, getting pinned between his car and his pal’s house at 2 in the morning, breaking his leg.
Dennet exploded summercamp latrines at the age of 13 and managed to explode one into his face. So he set his face on fire and had scorched shit stuck to his face, in his mouth, up his nose, and in his eyes. All because the explosion was taking longer than usual, he didn’t wanna look dumb in front of his friends, and he stuck his face over the hole to see what was going on.
Wayne married the same lady three times.
A caller crashed his car off of a cliff while trying to run over a slug.
Another caller shot himself through the knee with a hollowpoint while cleaning his gun…drunk.
And Frankendick. Good old Frankendick. He tablesawed the base of his cock. Oh dear god.
Some things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:
It’s hard to know how loudly to sing Happy Birthday at little kid parties, unless it’s your kid
40 is not old enough to give up on your body
Ellis would adopt a kid if he were rich
There is hope for Ellis not being a suspicious character since he started therapy
TLC used to be The Learning Channel, but now it’s just TLC because it is totally devoid of educational value and is the home of Honey Boo Boo and the future home of Sex Sent Me To The ER
A 440lb man on Long Island fucked his girlfriend through a wall (and lost his virginity at the same time)
Cumtard needs to stick to one Metal band on his clothes at a time
Cumtard: He’s full of cum, he’s a tard, he eats his farts
Tully wants to start a mouth band
Science will one day make Nerds candy healthy
Kelly Lebroc got a DUI from eating chocolate liquors
Will’s attitude is in his face and Ellis doesn’t like it
Cumtard accidentally maced himself
Don’t play with fire while drunk
Don’t play/clean guns while drunk
Don’t drive while drunk
Don’t play with any sort of power/hand tool while drunk
TJES listeners have done some amazingly stupid things
Tully is betting on Humankind
Ellis wants gold nipples
P.S. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Ellisfam!!!! <3
and you know, belated Happy Hannukah, Merry Festivus, Happy Kwanza, and whatever else you fuckers are into like Yuletide and Ramadan, and…shit. Love you all!!!