Show Re-Cap for Monday 2/10/2014

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Tully isn’t there, but Shoebox can be pretty funny, right?

Until now, you have remained safe. Wait. That’s old. Until now, it was just Monday. Now it’s Monday with TJES, so that makes it a little better, right? So quick roll call reveals the following: My adopted father (Tully) is not there today, in his place is Christian James Hand (Shoebox), and since it is Monday, Dingo is there as well. So straight off the bat, the show is already missing Tully as nobody can figure out how to put video up on the monitor. Will’s off gallivanting with Comedy Central for some reason unrelated to the show. And Sam Rubin got bitch slapped by Samuel L. Jackson because he mistook him for Laurence Fishburne. What a fucking hemorrhoid. So of course being his own biggest fan, Sam had to call TMZ to attack them over his utterly foolish fuck up. Again, what a fucking hemorrhoid. Dingo tried to stick up for Sam, but that’s like having a serial rapist speak on your behalf during your tax evasion trial – not gonna help. Especially when Dingo can’t distinguish between Laurence Fishburne, the entire Wayons family, Michael Clarke Duncan, Terry Crews, all blacks, all gays, and Jim Carey. Amazing. Also, his mother is not racist and looks better than Mickey Rourke.

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You know who understand you and your mom & dad issues? This guy.

Ellis finally confronted his Dr. Drew TV femnazi anti-fan on Twitter, she thinks he’s a sexist and keeps trying to rally other dumb bitches to get behind her hate bullshit. Speaking of twats, Mum Ellis texted Son Ellis over the weekend, putting son in a bad mood. She called, lost his address and wanted to know what Tiger is into. She follows him on Instagram and shit, and everyone knows what Tiger is into, except her apparently. Ellis calls her back, tells Mum his address, tells her what Tiger is into and just wants off the phone, he was cold with her because of all their past. Mum asks him what people back home would think of him and he doesn’t give two shits about what those fuckers think about him. Couple days go by, she sends him a text basically apologizing for his childhood, says his lack of care and love for her is breaking her heart, she can’t take it anymore, wishes him all the best, and will now get out of his life, though her door is always open to him and his children. Ellis is still too pissed off about all the bullshit he put up with his childhood, that was part of her doing as his mother, and he’ll continue to go to therapy to try to deal with his past.

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Dingo has no idea what is going on and could care less.

Cumtard brought us back in from break with a kooky “Hey!” Not like how Frank DeCaro says it, but like a whack-a-doody morning radio turd. He came in with a story about Michael Sam, the former Missouri defensive end who is an NFL prospect, coming out saying that he is gay. This could make him the first openly gay man being drafted into the NFL. According to Dingo, this is Terry Crews. Black guy story time, when Ellis came to America, he went through a drive-thru to get some food, a homeless black guy came up to him and Ellis couldn’t understand his blaccent and was just amazed at how black he was. The next day he was wondering why people are so racist against black dudes but okay with buying Volvos. Cool story, huh? Look, nobody ever said the story had to make sense, be related to the news story, or have a point. Christian Hand had a blaccent issue once with Charles Barkley, he thought he was talking about nipple weights – turns out Barkley was talking about ping pong tables. I mean, you could see how easily the two could be confused, right? Game time, not gay NFL black guy game, but a game about metal – since Cumtard and Katie are into metal. Maybe they’re into gay potential NFL players as well, I don’t know, but that’s not the point. So basically, we’re going to be listening to some metal songs and see how long they can stand to listen to each track, with tracks being picked by Katie or Cumtard. Whoever’s track picks have been listened to the longest, wins. Turns out Katie and Cumtard are both into metal bands that are heavily influenced by J R R Tolkien, and Dingo’s completely confused so he gets some alone time with his phone. So when the pretend Hobbit smoke cleared, Katie was the clear winner as her tracks got played much longer than Cumtard’s flimmity-flam-sham-squibble-de-doink track picks.

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Ellis being tortured by having to do radio while 3 porn chicks are naked in studio.

Back from break with 3 sets of titTAYs in the studio. Why are they in the studio, because that’s what AJ McLean wants, call it a birthday gift. He also wants to take you down, take you down to Butt Town. There’s all kinds of vagina being flashed around the studio by Natasha Starr (who Dingo thinks likes chocolate – not choking), Dillion Harper, and Alexa Aimes and they’re drinking champagne, so things should get pretty… loose – if you catch my drift. AJ took over the captains chair while Ellis took his spot so he could concentrate on the show have a naked porn chick on his lap and sit in semi-silence with a semi-boner. AJ likes his naked chick surprise, but he thinks it would’ve been more surprising if Ellis, Dingo, and Christian were naked in the studio. Let him take you down, take you down to Butt Town – know what I’m sayin’? AJ brought in a gift as well, an Anvil iPhone case, which of course needed to be rubbed on some porn pussy, because that’s how all phone cases are tested. Ellis keeps getting distracted by two porn chicks playing with each other on the couch and Dingo is distracted by his phone and AJ, who wants to take him down, take him down to Butt Town. There was something about AJ’s horrible tribal tattoo that he got done in a German hotel from a guy named Skeletor. No word on if he was taken down, taken down to Butt Town.

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Don’t like my recap? Deal with it.

The bus for Butt Town just left, it took the chicks with it. But it dropped off some crazy stalker at the stop, who was arrested for coming back to stalk Paris Hilton, this time with tattoos of her on his body. Dingo knows all about Beats By Dre, how they’re made, who all was involved making them, including the people on the assembly line, and he thinks there’s a good possibility he get Ellis a headphone sponsor, because why the fuck not, right? According to Dingo, Christian’s ex-girlfriend still loves him and asks about him an absurd amount. Christian thinks he’s full of shit, but the Dingo swears it’s true, which is pretty much like the gospel of God, so you know that shit is more than true – it’s the troof. Christians current girlfriend refuses to lick his ass, unless it’s a super special occassion, and she also refuses to go see the new Lego movie with him, so he’s gonna lick his own ass and go see the new Lego movie by himself. So Chad Reed wrecked this weekend, sounds like he got injured in that crash but he’s a god damn man that can take that shit, plus he eats his Reedies, the cereal of men, so he’s not even sweating that shit. Yet. Someone called asking about Rawdog (seriously) and Ellis says he’s over it. Apparently Rawdog tried to talk some shit and get Ellis and the show in trouble on his way out, which obviously didn’t go over well with Ellis and crew. Dingo however did see him on the skreets, walking into a McDonald’s. Seriously, Dingo fucking sees and hears all, he knows everyone. Matter of fact, you wouldn’t have been born if Dingo didn’t convince your mom to let your dad take her down, take her down to Butt Town, so you can thank Dingo for even being alive. Since I know you’re wondering, but are too afraid to ask Dingo, I’m going to answer the question you’ve dying all day to ask. What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis. OH!

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Gotchya!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/27/2014

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What I’m about to do to your mind, and then your mom.

It’s today again, you know the day, Monday. And you might think you know what’s coming, and there’s a good chance you’re right. But what if you’re wrong? Just what if? Huh? Well now is the time to test yourself, let’s see how right or wrong you were. One day Ellis had some heart fluttering shit going on, it was hard to breathe and he was freaking, but that day changed his life. Did you know that? Liar. Dingo’s in-studio today. Did you know that? Liar. A little bit of snot is no big deal, which is good, because Ellis still has a little bit of snot leftover from his mega-cold. Even though it’s embarrassing to admit, Ellis has been thinking about famous people lately, and he’s been getting caught up in it. Meanwhile, Tully has never stopped thinking about famous people. Jenna Jameson was going off on Twitter, posting a bunch of pictures of Tito’s roid fridge. I don’t know why I posted that. Do you? Liar. See, I’m starting to think you don’t EVEN know! Ellis & Dingo almost 2-door Porsche’d it right into a shit-green something or another, but they didn’t.

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Whatever it is, can we put wheels on it and ramp it?

Ellis went to Nitro Circus over the weekend and got an email from Trip Taylor. Then he saw some PJ Clapp dude making jokes about “chuck it me dumpa” in the same email. Ellis didn’t know who this dude was so he responded back with, “Really?”, to which PJ Clapp responded with, “Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to go to you” – which PJ Clapp most certainly did mean it to go to Ellis. Then Cumtard came in to remind Ellis of Johnny Knoxville’s real name… Philip John Clapp (aka PJ Clapp) WHOOPSY! Ellis finally got the joke and now he feels like an asshole. Good times, good times. Anyway, did you know Nitro Circus has rollerbladers in their show? Oh, you did? That figures. OH! Well they also have bathtubs. Pretty much anything they can think of to jump off a ramp, they’ve probably got it. Ellis started reading a bit from his new book and he cringed a bit at what he was reading. He’s brutally honest in this book as he always is, but he feels like he’s changed so much since a year ago when Tully started writing this new book. He felt like he sounded a bit pathetic, like he was dying for people to pay attention to him and accept him, and his priorities have changed since then. It’s no longer about just as much money and having sex with as many women as possible. He’s more concerned about what he does and says and how it affects his kids, himself, and the people around him. Ellis noticed how different he feels lately while he was at Dingo’s birthday party, full of quasi famous people who are materialistic, insecure, and busy blowing smoke up each others asses to help make themselves feel like their more famous and important than they really are. Since he started to act like that at one, point he now see’s how unhappy some of the people are because they spend their time worrying so much about shit that should take a back seat to more important things in life that help make a truly happy life. God damn, we got a little deep there, right?

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Uh oh. I got a feeling they’re gonna talk about The Grammys.

Hey, did you know you can get your copy of Awesome Guide To Life signed by Ellis by going to awesomeguidetolife.com? Okay, I believe you. Next up, we have the world’s hottest MMA correspondent, Kenda Perez and her super hot dog Dexter, with MMA News so everyone button up you pants – that includes you too Dingo. Tully didn’t get to catch all of it, but from what he gathers, he didn’t miss much. Ooooohhhh! BURN! Turns out Benson Henderson beat Josh Thomson, Thomson said he broke his hand during the fight, we all heard it. The post fight, Benson threw up the Diamond Cutter sign and looked like a doof because that sign has nothing to do with God. He didn’t help his case any when during the fight, he had to tuck his jerry curl behind his ears, to which everyone watching had a nice collective chuckle over. Gabriel Gonzaga also broke his hand and lost his fight against Stipe Miocic, he also needs to shave his back and train in a real gym instead of on the jungle gym. Donald Cerrone won in spectacular fashion with a nice kick to de head of Adriano Martins, it was awesome and so is Cowboy. Alex Caceres won his fight against Sergio Pettis, which was a pretty entertaining fight and Sergio, even with his loss, looked really good for his age and experience. I’m sure one day he’ll grown into a real manimal and be a force to be reckoned with as he continues to improve. Also, Alex’s afro and dance moves before the fight were pretty entertaining. But do you know what wasn’t entertaining? The Grammys. I didn’t even watch it, but I feel confident in saying that it was not entertaining. Therefore, I shall not discuss it and it can go straight to Hades. Thank you.

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Whose Tully talking about? Is it me? You? No. It’s… her.

Tully had a dream about a fan. A female fan *cough* @emilyInSD. FUCK! I mean… that he made cry because he was trying to tell her that he was flattered, but married. Instead, it came out more like if he weren’t married, they totally be doing it. So I’ve got some more good news and bad news. Tomorrow on the show, Sam Rubin. I know. BUT… also on the show tomorrow, Thomas Haden Church! Tiger Ellis is doing ollies on his skateboard now, and he’ll kick the shit outta some 2-year-old prodigy, so fuck that other kid. Not literally, come on man! Actually, this 2-year-old is a fucking champ! Continuing with Aussie News, scientists have discovered a newfound sex organ in koalas’ throats. Dingo was at the winter X-Games, so was The Backbone – Dingo totally fucked him over too (not really), but guess who wasn’t there, Shaun White. He’s all about the Olympics right now, and playing guitar in that terrible band, and wearing super tight jeans, and whatever else soulless redheads do. Let’s see, Moto News, and this time there’s no Tickle Time. I know, it breaks your little heart. It did mine too. Ryan Dungey looked solid all day, man. That’s about all I know because work loves to cut into my fucking off time. New intern on TJES today, his name for now is Andrew (Instagram). He’s never heard the show, he’s from Cincinnati, Ohio, he has a girlfriend, and a horn growing out of dick. In case you’re wondering, one of those things is a lie. You make the call. He’s in a hardcore band, he’s straight edge, and enjoys a nice root beer on his birthday. Oh, one more thing… he has a trust fund.

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What you look like while I celebrate all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES.

India says dolphins are not people or something. Breaking News, ladies and gentlemen, its with partial joy and partial sadness that I hereby announce that after years of captivity, I have officially escaped from the prize chamber. I may be suffering from Stockholm syndrome, but trust me, if you ever have a chance to get in the prize chamber – you’re going to love it! Cumtard got in trouble for something, but I can’t remember because all I can think about is all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES. They punished him somehow, but I can’t remember because all I can think about is all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES. I don’t even know what all else happened because, yup, all I can think about is all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES. If any of you would like to know more about all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES, just let me know, I’d be happy to describe how fucking cool it is to you. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 11/27/2013

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Rawdog’s still not there. Talk about changing the show intro. I can see you’re deep in thought.

Welcome to the thing. The last show & recap for this week, right before the Thanksgiving holidays coma for us Americans. Before getting into the show, let’s go ahead and quickly address what’s on everyone’s mind. No, Rawdog is not there today. Yesterday, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis just said he wanted to take some time off and that’s all he knows. Then today, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis said he’s taken a leave of absence and may never be back. As the show intro was playing, apparently Ellis also said they have to get a new intro and that they should change it anyway. What does all that mean? I don’t know, read into that what you will. But it isn’t looking good. Moving on, Shoebox is in studio today. Ellis was gonna go to the gym today, but he had a vibe and went with it, so he went to the beach instead. While he and Katie and Burger were there, some random people were taking pictures of them. Ellis wants a little bit of side burns tattoo, not mutton chops a la Danzig or anything, but just a touch of knife burns.

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Whose gonna blow me? Anyone? Anyone?

Hey stalkers! Wilson revealed that he and Christian live about a block from each other, so get your stalker maps out, make sure you have the proper tools, and you might want to look at a larger kill room. Everyone thinks Wilson is from Germany, some people yell things at him, other’s give him a nod & a wink, and superhero’s look at him in awe. Four years ago the police busted Chewbacca and Elmo in a drug ring in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater, some people got shot, and a woman tourist got stabbed for not giving some homeless, crazy fucker a dollar. So if you’ve been planning to take a vacation to Hollywood to hob nob with the stars, you might wanna think twice about that because you’re basically going to pay for a trip to see and smell piss and shit and crushed dreams and if you’re lucky, you’ll only get robbed and shot once instead of multiple times. According to Mr. Hand, there’s also a “boys town” part of Hollywood that’s well known for a gay scene and getting a blowjob in 45 seconds or less. Beats Dominoes I guess.

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Just cuz I’m white doesn’t mean I can’t get down to some Bone Thugs.

Did you know beer is better for you than Coke? It sounds just ridiculous enough that I can believe it. High-fructose corn syrup was invented by Satan and it is in pretty much fucking everything you eat and drink and it’s gonna kill you, probably tomorrow. The guys talked about old school ads for cigarettes, where doctors were advocating a certain brand of cigarette over the other, you know, because they care about your health and not the loot lining their pockets. But enough with the doom and gloom, it’s time for Bone Thugs‐n‐Harmony to come serenade us with super quiet “I’m high as hell” inside voices. It was hard to hear some of the Bones because they were so quiet. It almost felt like I was a hot chick and they were trying to run game on me or something, all suave and shit. They talked about their upcoming show tonight, how tight they are, and how they’re so tight they don’t know who in their group is married and who isn’t. They don’t go around smackin’ people in the grill anymore because they don’t wanna get shot, which I say is wise life choice. But don’t get flip the script and get it all mixed up, if you step, they’ll squash beef and cave in teef. They just want them and their fans to go out and have a good time, they try to steer clear of drama, Unless you count the time one of them got shot in the head. Or the time one of them accidentally shot the other one. And not the time one of them got kidnapped as a child along with his 3 sisters and found by John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted. For sure not the time when a dead body got dropped off in front of one their homes. You know, it’s your typical wholesome story that could be part anyone’s childhood. All joking aside, it was a great interview and they had some interesting stories.

Breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is on iTunes now. Breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Google Play Music and is already #1 in the Metal section. Breaking, breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Amazon and is already a #1 seller in the Hard Rock & Metal section. You should go buy a copy like I did. All the cool kids are doing it, you wanna be one of the cool kids, right? Well, don’t come running to me when people start making fun of your music library for not having Big Fucking Mega Boat. Breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking news time. It’s time to pass out the 2013 Yoko’s in this year’s Reverse Awards! Here are your categories and your winners:

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Sorry winners of a Yoko. This is the reverse awards.

  • Best Religion: Scientology
  • Best Jingleberries Member: Bryan “Backbone” Cullen
  • Smartest Intern of All-Time: Anal Gay-Lewis
  • Smallest Clitoris: Brock Lesnar
  • Best TJES Guest Ever: Method Man & Redman
  • Best Wolfknife Nickname: Urethra Butt Butt
  • Least Radioactive Jew: Rawdog
  • Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet: “I didn’t come here for a hard time, I came here for a good time.” – Kid Rock
  • Realest Animal: Rawdog’s Dad
  • Most Uncreepy Male Star: Corey Feldman
  • The Rising Star Award: Kevin Kraft
  • Lifetime Achievement Award: Jaden Smith
  • Most Welcome Comeback: Andy Dick
  • Most Deservingly Famous: George Zimmerman
  • “Clean and Sober Living” Award: Lindsay Lohan
  • Most Alive Celebrity: Larry King
  • Smallest Butthole: Sam Rubin
  • Woman of the Year: Paula Deen
  • Man of the Year: Chris Brown
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Bless this post, and bless all of you. Bless us everyone!

And there you have it, folks. The Yoko’s pretty much wrapped up the show all neat and tidy. There were a few short final calls, oh, and a mention that either tomorrow or Friday, there will be something “special” on Faction, but that’s all that was said. I assume you’ll have an opportunity to hear old or best-of shows for most of the day or something like that. That’s my best guess anyway. So I guess I should wrap this up huh? Pop quiz hotshots! Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because they become Targets. OH! Happy Skanksgiving to all my American trick ass bitches and gangsta-ass swingin’ dicks. Happy get up and go to work like normal to all my Canadian molettes and moles. And shout to all the girls I’ve loved before.

Show Re-cap for Thursday, 10/31/2013

It’s Halloweeeeeeeeen!!!!!!!!!! Which, at first was going to be exciting and great and then turned in to my own personal shitfest, but thank the maker (that I don’t actually believe in) for The Jason Ellis Show to distract me from punching cunty bitches in de face. Also, it being Halloween explains why there’s a Racist Blackface Zombie in the studio in Josh’s place…and…what the hell is the deal with zombies being super popular anyway? Um, guys, they’re awesome- that’s the deal. They are super versatile and range from comedic to drama and horror purposes, and The Walking Dead juggernaut has only made zombies more awesome and has kept them popular because if Daryl Dixon was a real person I’m pretty sure he and Ellis would be besties with matching zombie ear necklaces.

Prior to the beginning of the show Sam Rubin was having a meeting with Ellis so they could bounce around some ideas for television shows that’ll get Ellis on the air and then he sort of stuck around for the first part of the show to shoot the shit with the guys and toss around some more tv show ideas. Sam says that he was super excited for his meeting with Jason, but feels like he sucked balls and that’s because he’s dealing with Ellis who isn’t afraid to tell anyone what he thinks no matter who he’s talking to. But it does seem like they laid a little bit of brick down on the yellow brick road which will lead Ellis to TV land. Sam seems to be a fan of just having a camera follow Ellis around and tape his wacky slapsticky life (which may or may not be all that wacky and slapsticky) but Ellis says that it isn’t enough, there needs to be an angle. A racist zombie angle, perhaps?!?!?!?! Tully brings up the point that there really aren’t that many reality shows around anymore that are just a camera following someone around anymore, that reality shows have become wayyyyyy more heavily produced and are more concept-driven and capture an all around lifestyle. The guys and Sam break down the current reality TV sub-genres which include shows focused on famous people because some people are so famous that audiences will tune in just to watch them, there are the reality shows where audiences tune in to gawk at live action train wrecks like Honey Boo Boo, and there are the concept reality shows that try and have some sort of substance and tend to have a good mix of shenanigans. They toss around some ideas for pitches for a show for Ellis and what seems to be a winning idea is the Jason Ellis version of the Ultimate Fighter, which to me sounds like The Ultimate Fighter meets Real World/Road Rules challenge, and culminates in Ellismania. Tully has another idea where there could be a TV show about the radio show interspliced with recorded out of studio segments like Andy Dick’s Fart Hunters.

As I said, Sam Rubin is on for the first part of the show, and to be honest every time he’s on he gets a little more on my nerves and makes me want to shoot myself in the face because he loves to hear himself talk too much and the only reason that I tolerate him is because he has the know how and the drive to get Ellis a tv show. He tells tales about working on E! with Julianna Rancic and how he thought he was going to be hired for a permanent spot until he went into a meeting and accidentally talked the network out of hiring him. Ellis is on the hunt for a new manager because he thinks that it will help things like Ellismania run smoother and help get more people on the show, and as we all know, the show getting bigger is a win for everyone. Jason talks about how Ellismania 9 was inspiring for him, despite all of the shit, because he realized that with everything that went wrong, Ellisfam adapted and rolled with it because fans of radio shows really are more attached and dedicated and loyal than fans of television shows. Sam talks about how he thinks they should get some sponsors together and buy their own radio station because running a radio station can’t be all that hard, which pisses Wilson off. Wilson tries to school Sam a bit on how it’s no easy thing running a radio station, but Sam kind of gives him the brush off and Tully then basically tells Sam that he’s stupid.

All the while Racist Zombie is staring at Ellis’s head tattoo thinking of his big, juicy, meaty brain that he would love to nom on. Ellis mentions that when he was on vacation he noticed that he has less hair (when it grows in) but that doesn’t really matter because he has a bitchin head tattoo. And you can have one too!!!! Ellis says that, yeah, it hurts, but he thinks anyone can do it. He’s trying to decide what to add on to his head tattoo for sideburns, because he wants to tattoo his head/face area more because he doesn’t want to look like his dad (and hearing that made me a little sad because…yeah).

Now, in MMA news, Lyodo Machida beat down Mark Munoz by kicking him in the head and knocking him out in the first round. And Ellis missed it because he was on vacation and it blew his mind a little bit that Machida knocked out Munoz in the first round. Diego Sanchez and Gilbert Menendez also fought recently and had what Ellis described as the best fight that he had ever seen, which is really saying something considering he recently witnessed Sam Rubin duke it out hardcore with Tera Patrick (hahaha). But seriously, these guys went so hard that Dana White gave them both a $60,000 bonus for wailing on each other so spectacularly and making everyone who watched sure to tune in for the next fight. On the Ultimate Fighter, Cody had a hard time cutting weight to the end that he didn’t cut weight and he quit. He probably should have manned up and taken a salt bath with a loose butthole to make the cut, but instead he cried about missing his kids and made Ellis roll his eyes. In the girl fight the small girl whom Rawdog thinks is cute beat the bigger girl because if the small girl gets you on the ground she is going to end your life. Rawdog swears that he watched it and thought that the fight came to a decision, but in fact, the bigger girl tapped out to avoid her arm being broken by the smaller girl. Which made Tully and Ellis wonder how many people watch sports on television and completely miss what is actually happening. You know what people should watch and know what’s going on? Ellismania Cross…with zombies. People would be so glued they wouldn’t be able to miss a thing.

Next the guys whittle down the categories for The Reverse Awards and the categories this year are: Man of the Year, Woman of the Year, Most Alive Celebrity, Smallest Butthole, Best Movie, Best Band, Clean & Sober Living Award, Most Deservingly Famous Award, Most Welcome Comeback, Lifetime Achievement Award, The Rising Star Award, Most Un-Creepy Male Star, Best Wolfknife Name, Best TJES Guest Ever, Smallest Clit, Smartest Intern, Best Jingleberries Member, Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet, Realest Animal, and Best Religion. Among the categories cut is the Biggest Dick category? Why? Because it involves too much speculation. But the guys do debate for a while whether or not Ken Jeong’s dick is the micro dick as portrayed in The Hangover, and if he was really jacked off by a spider monkey? Ellis also speculates that The Rock probably has a micro dick, along with all other pro-wrestlers because why else would they feel the need to bulk up that much? The locker room at the WWE is the new House of Horrors Halloween attraction that you shouln’t miss if you want to be irrevocably scarred for life.

There are now two people on twitter who aren’t fans of TJES morning replays on Faction. Sorry guys, it’s only going to get worse. Ellis got a new camera so now Ellismania.com is even better. Tully always forgets that he is being recorded for Ellismania.com while he is on the air and doesn’t particularly like being on camera because he is more fidgety that the Rain Main when he is on camera…which is probably why he didn’t get the job after his screen test at E! But, we still love him, so long as he doesn’t fidget too much when pitching show ideas.

In Hollywood news….Janice ‘Faggy DickDick’ Dickinson and her crazy I Heart 911 lifestyle (because she calls them allllllllll the time guys) helped to stop a robbery in progress and is being touted as the craziest hero of all time as she says, “I am keeper of the gays.” John Cryer, who is the castmember of Two and a Half Men who looks the most like he did when he started on the show, is being sued by his ex-wife for more child support for their 13 year old son. Previously he had been paying a respectable eight grand a month in child support and now his ex wants nearly ninety thousand dollars a month so that his 13 year old can throw better parties and feel less ostracized by the other 13 year olds in town. Rawdog says that with his eight grand a month he knows what it’s like to live like a middle class teenager…and I’m still shaking my head at that. I’m pretty sure most regular middle class teenagers where I’m from have a part time job so they can make maybe a hundred extra bucks a week, not a hundred grand a year. To no one’s surprise, including her own, Lindsey Lohan is off the wagon again. And that is sad. She should play guitar and wear a bandanna like Steve Tyler from Aerosmith and learn to keep her nose clean.

Time to play a game!!!! It’s the Halloween edition of TJES Jeopardy guest starring the Former (but first and not former in our hearts) Li’l Miss Jason Ellis. Li’l Miss does a great job throughout the game, staying neck and neck with Tully (the reigning champ) right up until the end. Some gems from the game: Larry King is the ghost turd news reaper, Darth Vader has a bong in his helmet and he is your father, Gary Buscie is Kaiser Permanente fried, if your dick is going to explode don’t be afraid of going to the hospital, Wilson used to want to fire Ellis all of the time but Ellis wasn’t scared, and Iggy Pop is at the point in his life just before all his juices leave his body. Final Jeopardy is something associated with Halloween that is black, furry, has tons of friends, and is ripped off by the human race and deserves government housing. It’s not a werewolf, it’s not a spider, and it’s really really really not an Orc. It’s a bat!!!!!! Stupid.

Wrapping up the last part of the show there’s talk about a 12 year old allegedly finding a razor blade in his M&M’s after going trick or treating earlier this week. The lesson to be learned here? You will be punished for living in a lame town where you go trick or treating before Halloween and your mother probably has Munchausen By Proxy and is loving getting attention from this. She will also probably sue M&M’s and ruin children’s lives everywhere. Also, the couch for the studio finally arrives! The bitchin couch was designed by Grant Cobb, looks awesome, and totally fits in the studio (thank goodness). Tully also talks about how Halloween is probably the top holiday for casual sex encounters, because all the sluts come out. The actual sluts and the girls who only do their strut slut on Halloween are probably way more willing to have freaky costume sex on Halloween as opposed to any other day of the year. Also at the end of the show we get to hear some horrible sex advice from Tully, who got it from Cosmo, and the reactions to it from Racist Zombie and Rachel (Ellis in his robot girl voice). Some good advice to take away from this segment? Don’t fucking listen to sex tips from anyone at Cosmo because you will get punched in the face after tugging on your man’s pubic hair and putting pepper up his nose right before he orgasms. And honestly, if you’re dumb enough to do either of those things, you deserve a good punch in de face. At the very end of the show the guys also mention that they’ve been spending some time listening to the new Death Death Die! Album which is due to be released soon, and they all find it better than they expected. Ellis talks about listening to his song ‘My Blood’ while his blood (his kiddies) were in the backseat of the car. Tiger thought it was awesome, but Devin didn’t like it, which is basically what Ellis expected.

Things we learned today:

Ellis wants to have sex with girls dressed up as clowns

Tortilla chips sell more than potato chips

Racist Zombies have racist sneezes

Everybody in LA overtalks everything

Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z *are* 2 seperate books by Max Brooks

Kid Rock is the people’s philosopher

Katie made breakfast for the kids and Ellis thought he could marry her, but he won’t

If it’s wrong to make out with your dog after he licks your kid’s butt, Tully doesn’t want to be right

Pirates give you type 2 diabetes

Rachel might be a hermaphrodite

I’m pregnant, and it’s yours

Visit patriotguard.org

 

Show Re-Cap for Monday 10/7/2013

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With each visit, Sam Rubin is becoming more and more like Ed McMahon, but thinks he’s Johnny.

It’s Monday. So what. EllisMania 9 is the weekend. That’s what. God made a seem in your balls, it gives the illusion of 2 nice normal balls, even if you have 7 small balls. Chicks don’t really get how men don’t feel their balls moving around while walking, we’re just used to our balls. Katie and Andrea have become friends who talk to each other at soccer games, about how Ellis farts in his sleep. Ellis was on Loveline last night. Kardashian something or another. I don’t care. But why doesn’t Ellis get hired as a talk show host? He’ll even wear a wig, damn it! And the answer is, because God is a motherfucker. Ellis sparred a dude today who took his anger out on Ellis, but ended up apologizing for doing so. We heard some more audio from Ellis’ recent visit on KTLA, which ended up ushering in the first guest, fuckin Sam fuckin Rubin. He talked about how Ellis’ business manager plays Mahjong with Sam’s wife or some shit. Apparently Ellis’ business manager also managed Rick James, bitch. Sam also talked about how he’s starting to get a little concerned about his fight with Tera Patrick, which leaves me left wondering if he ever really sparred Bob Dylan or not. Funny enough, during the Kardashian discussion earlier, the guys were talking about how celebrities can’t host talk shows because they constantly end up steering the conversation back to be about themselves. And sure enough, that’s exactly what Sam kept doing at first, it always went back to be about him. I’m sure in life, he’s a real nice guy, he’s had Ellis on his show several times. I’m probably in the minority with my opinion of Sam, or maybe I’m just being a bitch, but he annoys me. Anyway, more power to him.

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I’m fantasizing about one of the MMA chicks kicking Sam in the nuts.

Shit. A story about Lindsay Lohan with Sam still in studio. Again, he says he’s “happy to open the door for Ellis to let him charge through”, name dropped some names, and took credit for giving the world Ryan Seacrest, among others. What a modest fellow. Julianna Pena, from The Ultimate Fighter, and another fighter chick that didn’t make it into the house (Colleen Schneider), came onto the show. I assume Sam was the one who found her, trained her, and got her on to the show. They talked about fighting men, getting punched in the boobs, EllisMania 9, and types of guys they date. Sam is still stuck on boobs, worried he’s going to punch Tera in the boob and explode her implant. He kept ratcheting up the creep factor by constantly asking either of the girls to be his corner person during his fight. Ellis let both girls kick him at the same time, one on each leg and that turned out to be not such a good idea as they didn’t seem to hold back much. Julianna hit the punch-o-meter pad and scored a 60 on her first shot, which ended up being her best and may have put her on top of all females who have hit the pad. Ellis almost lost his composure after finding out that the girls do sometimes use their MMA during sex acts to control their partner. And then Ellis really lost his shit when he found out that Colleen had a bleeding box after a knee strike to her cookie during a fight.

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Just waiting for Sam to leave.

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YEAH! Sam’s gone!

A Brazilian man was murdered by weed. There was a roadblock and he made a run for it, then he crashed and the half ton load of that sticky icky crushed his ass. My only question is, did his friends then smoke him, making that the first stoner to ever fulfill the fantasy of having their friends smoke them when they die. This brought us to discussion about Tully and Rawdog watching The Boondock Saints over the weekend. Spoiler alert if you’ve been living under a fucking rock. Rawdog did not hate it, but he kept comparing it to Pulp Fiction in his head and felt it borrowed a lot from that film. Another thought he had was “holy shit, this is the most Irish movie ever” but liked the tone the movie was going for at first. He also liked that the director left it open for interpretation at the end as to whether the viewer was for or against the saints, which he was against as he thought they were just vigilante killers. This is where Tully disagreed, he thought the saints didn’t take their lives too seriously and knew they were getting lucky to be coming away unscathed and that they were just going around doing what they thought was right. He also thought the 5-story fall was pretty far-fetched because the guy didn’t die. And then there was the gay detective, Tully feels this movie must have been written by a homosexual because of how that whole dynamic played out. Turns out the guy that wrote the movie, Troy Duffy, ended up being a huge asshole to everyone once he sold the script of the movie and now he’s just a huge asshole with no friends. And that’s was where The Boondock Saints discussion ended.

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If this recap blows, I blame Sam, fuckin’ Sam fuckin’ Rubin.

The quasi famous, drunken, feral pig in Australia known for steeling beer and fighting cows has died at the hands of a truck, leaving behind a pile of bacon bits. This led us into a round of brand new Wolfknives members being named – the highlight of which could very well have been the idea of having back acne made of gold. That or maybe the guy that said he was a doctor and record label owner. Or maybe it was when Rawdog said that fish don’t have teeth. Or maybe it was the cauliflower pussy joke Tully has been sitting on ever since Colleen talked about MMA on her box. I don’t know, you make the call. Katie came in today so she could take her turn after Tully, both doing their Onnit™ Look Good Naked challenge. Juilanna Pena was anxious to ask Katie how she felt when Ellis starts talking about an ugly chick, which doesn’t typically bother her because there’s usually some kind of creepy involved which is right in her wheelhouse, so-to-speak. After all, she know’s a dude with 3 balls, Buck Manley. But he has nothing on a real man with a real truck.

This finally brought us to the very first call of the show, which also preempted final calls and a possible twerk session featuring Rawdog’s allegedly flabby ass cheeks. The real highlight was a caller who wanted some hemorrhoid talk with 3 ladies in the room. This really put Ellis in the mood considering the in studio audience, but he handled it like a champ. Don’t forget about the EllisMania 9 PSA’s for all your information regarding the who’s, the what’s, the when’s, the why’s, etc. And since Sam was on for half the show, I had time to think about some of the more important issues facing the world and I think I’ve found one for you philanthropists out there. If Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS. OH!

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HAHAAAA! Fuck you, fuckin’ Sam fuckin’ Rubin!