Until now, you have remained safe. Wait. That’s old. Until now, it was just Monday. Now it’s Monday with TJES, so that makes it a little better, right? So quick roll call reveals the following: My adopted father (Tully) is not there today, in his place is Christian James Hand (Shoebox), and since it is Monday, Dingo is there as well. So straight off the bat, the show is already missing Tully as nobody can figure out how to put video up on the monitor. Will’s off gallivanting with Comedy Central for some reason unrelated to the show. And Sam Rubin got bitch slapped by Samuel L. Jackson because he mistook him for Laurence Fishburne. What a fucking hemorrhoid. So of course being his own biggest fan, Sam had to call TMZ to attack them over his utterly foolish fuck up. Again, what a fucking hemorrhoid. Dingo tried to stick up for Sam, but that’s like having a serial rapist speak on your behalf during your tax evasion trial – not gonna help. Especially when Dingo can’t distinguish between Laurence Fishburne, the entire Wayons family, Michael Clarke Duncan, Terry Crews, all blacks, all gays, and Jim Carey. Amazing. Also, his mother is not racist and looks better than Mickey Rourke.
Ellis finally confronted his Dr. Drew TV femnazi anti-fan on Twitter, she thinks he’s a sexist and keeps trying to rally other dumb bitches to get behind her hate bullshit. Speaking of twats, Mum Ellis texted Son Ellis over the weekend, putting son in a bad mood. She called, lost his address and wanted to know what Tiger is into. She follows him on Instagram and shit, and everyone knows what Tiger is into, except her apparently. Ellis calls her back, tells Mum his address, tells her what Tiger is into and just wants off the phone, he was cold with her because of all their past. Mum asks him what people back home would think of him and he doesn’t give two shits about what those fuckers think about him. Couple days go by, she sends him a text basically apologizing for his childhood, says his lack of care and love for her is breaking her heart, she can’t take it anymore, wishes him all the best, and will now get out of his life, though her door is always open to him and his children. Ellis is still too pissed off about all the bullshit he put up with his childhood, that was part of her doing as his mother, and he’ll continue to go to therapy to try to deal with his past.
Cumtard brought us back in from break with a kooky “Hey!” Not like how Frank DeCaro says it, but like a whack-a-doody morning radio turd. He came in with a story about Michael Sam, the former Missouri defensive end who is an NFL prospect, coming out saying that he is gay. This could make him the first openly gay man being drafted into the NFL. According to Dingo, this is Terry Crews. Black guy story time, when Ellis came to America, he went through a drive-thru to get some food, a homeless black guy came up to him and Ellis couldn’t understand his blaccent and was just amazed at how black he was. The next day he was wondering why people are so racist against black dudes but okay with buying Volvos. Cool story, huh? Look, nobody ever said the story had to make sense, be related to the news story, or have a point. Christian Hand had a blaccent issue once with Charles Barkley, he thought he was talking about nipple weights – turns out Barkley was talking about ping pong tables. I mean, you could see how easily the two could be confused, right? Game time, not gay NFL black guy game, but a game about metal – since Cumtard and Katie are into metal. Maybe they’re into gay potential NFL players as well, I don’t know, but that’s not the point. So basically, we’re going to be listening to some metal songs and see how long they can stand to listen to each track, with tracks being picked by Katie or Cumtard. Whoever’s track picks have been listened to the longest, wins. Turns out Katie and Cumtard are both into metal bands that are heavily influenced by J R R Tolkien, and Dingo’s completely confused so he gets some alone time with his phone. So when the pretend Hobbit smoke cleared, Katie was the clear winner as her tracks got played much longer than Cumtard’s flimmity-flam-sham-squibble-de-doink track picks.
Back from break with 3 sets of titTAYs in the studio. Why are they in the studio, because that’s what AJ McLean wants, call it a birthday gift. He also wants to take you down, take you down to Butt Town. There’s all kinds of vagina being flashed around the studio by Natasha Starr (who Dingo thinks likes chocolate – not choking), Dillion Harper, and Alexa Aimes and they’re drinking champagne, so things should get pretty… loose – if you catch my drift. AJ took over the captains chair while Ellis took his spot so he could
concentrate on the show have a naked porn chick on his lap and sit in semi-silence with a semi-boner. AJ likes his naked chick surprise, but he thinks it would’ve been more surprising if Ellis, Dingo, and Christian were naked in the studio. Let him take you down, take you down to Butt Town – know what I’m sayin’? AJ brought in a gift as well, an Anvil iPhone case, which of course needed to be rubbed on some porn pussy, because that’s how all phone cases are tested. Ellis keeps getting distracted by two porn chicks playing with each other on the couch and Dingo is distracted by his phone and AJ, who wants to take him down, take him down to Butt Town. There was something about AJ’s horrible tribal tattoo that he got done in a German hotel from a guy named Skeletor. No word on if he was taken down, taken down to Butt Town.
The bus for Butt Town just left, it took the chicks with it. But it dropped off some crazy stalker at the stop, who was arrested for coming back to stalk Paris Hilton, this time with tattoos of her on his body. Dingo knows all about Beats By Dre, how they’re made, who all was involved making them, including the people on the assembly line, and he thinks there’s a good possibility he get Ellis a headphone sponsor, because why the fuck not, right? According to Dingo, Christian’s ex-girlfriend still loves him and asks about him an absurd amount. Christian thinks he’s full of shit, but the Dingo swears it’s true, which is pretty much like the gospel of God, so you know that shit is more than true – it’s the troof. Christians current girlfriend refuses to lick his ass, unless it’s a super special occassion, and she also refuses to go see the new Lego movie with him, so he’s gonna lick his own ass and go see the new Lego movie by himself. So Chad Reed wrecked this weekend, sounds like he got injured in that crash but he’s a god damn man that can take that shit, plus he eats his Reedies, the cereal of men, so he’s not even sweating that shit. Yet. Someone called asking about Rawdog (seriously) and Ellis says he’s over it. Apparently Rawdog tried to talk some shit and get Ellis and the show in trouble on his way out, which obviously didn’t go over well with Ellis and crew. Dingo however did see him on the skreets, walking into a McDonald’s. Seriously, Dingo fucking sees and hears all, he knows everyone. Matter of fact, you wouldn’t have been born if Dingo didn’t convince your mom to let your dad take her down, take her down to Butt Town, so you can thank Dingo for even being alive. Since I know you’re wondering, but are too afraid to ask Dingo, I’m going to answer the question you’ve dying all day to ask. What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis. OH!