Show Re-Cap for July 2015

Here are some of the highlights of the show from July:

  • Ellis has to get Twitch’s face tattooed on his ass for losing a bet at the races. I can’t remember if that was covered in a previous re-cap or not, but there it is anyway.
  • Tully was on the speech & debate team in high school, he finished 2nd once in a tournament for his dramatic reading of something about a guy with skin cancer or some kinda shit like that.
  • Ellis and company have been pre-recording themselves so they are DJ’ing in the mornings on Faction, everyone loves it.
  • 07-13-2015: Kevin Nealon stopped by the show – it was pretty awesome. He’s part of the comedy elite just from his long days past on Saturday Night Live. It was also the first time he had ever been on The Jason Ellis Show. And to top it off, he and Ellis found some common ground with heart palpitations and anxiety attacks, which led them to chest bump one another in a moment of solidarity! That’s pretty rad. Minus the anxiety. That part sucks. Bad. Trust me.
  • 07-15-2015: News From Some Asshole (audio from Entertainment Tonight) has been struggling. However, today they saved the bit by doing their own version of “ET” as “Instagram Tonight”. It was pretty funny and worth a listen if you can.
  • 07-15-2015: @waydub thought he might have heard a familiar caller into the show today. He questioned if we had heard a bi-polar version of Snow White. You make the call:
  • 07-19-2015: Ellis is leaving for New York this Sunday along with Tully and Andrew. Plans are to do live shows Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and fly back to LA for live shows on Thursday and Friday. While in New York, Ellis is scheduled to go on Howard Stern and Sway in The Morning.
  • 07-21-2015: Ellis was on Stern today, subjects included his family, the whole dad molestation thing, MDMA therapy, ayahuasca, his and Katie’s open relationship, and the inadvertent STDs picked up along the way. Robin seems to love to give Ellis a hard time and Ellis gave it right back to her, however she claims to not want him to eat her ass for an hour. She seemed hot and cold during the whole interview. She needs a man. Stern is fascinated with how dark Jason is as well as his sexual activities, especially of the polyamorous kind. Thanks to Howard’s tired, old shtick, it seemingly started off a little disrespectful, but ended up being an overall good appearance.
  • 07-21-2015: Just after the Stern Show, Ellis was on Sway In The Morning on Shade 45, which seems like kind of an odd show for him to be appearing on, but it was good, some funny stuff in there, especially the fabricated trash talk to get Sal Masekela to fight Sway. Other subjects included his broken bones from skateboarding, his tattoos – mainly his head tattoo, and looking like a dangerous drug dealer.
  • 07-21-2015: Shuli Egar dropped by the show, he always makes an appearance when TJES is in New York – and of course that was funny. It’s always nice to hear Cullen on the show too. Eminem kept walking past the studio, presumably to go to the bathroom, allegedly he either has tiny piss tanks or was doing blow in there.
  • 07-30-2015: Andrew may have to sing in Tiger Box and judging by his past performances on the show, he will need some practice. The guys gave him a few songs he knows and loves to practice on, this was the result:
  • 07-30-2015: HateBean opened up a can of new tracks today, 1 fully professionally produced track “Diamond In The Muff” that really showcased his European disco queen side, it was amazing. And then he freestyled on 1 experimental track “There Will Be Chunks / Retarded Orgasm” that has yet to be officially produced, but shows real potential. Now give yourself an eargasm by listening to the sweet, soothing sounds of HateBean:
  • 07-31-2015: Breaking News! “Rowdy” Roddy Piper is dead at the age of 61 from cardiac arrest.
    roddy-piper

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Show Re-Cap for Friday 12/19/2014

Ellis and his emotional ass are back for the last show of 2014. But don’t worry BkKQLtTCIAA28kGyou can still get your fix because there’s going to be a very special Best Of 2014 for the next two weeks with a different show every morning and afternoon. Tully got presents for everyone but my app fucked up and decided I needed to hear The Madden Brothers. I’m starting to think this app doesn’t know me at all. Anyhow, back to Tully’s gifts, I’m pretty sure he just got everyone a box of dildos. Continue reading

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Recap for Thursday June 5, 2014

Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show hosted by that guy that we all love with the big powerful voice that can rule the world with his mouth. Boom…did you get that Cullen? Hahaha…I got a good chuckle out of that…but if you’re gonna rule the world with anything, why not your mouth? Especially when you are Jason Ellis, Kind of the West? All sorts of appropriate inappropriateness. Getting right into it, the thing that you have been waiting for that you probably weren’t aware that you were waiting for: Today is the day of the Pile of Shit Games!!!! Woo-hoo! The crowd goes wild! There is cheering and jumping and yelling and riots in the streets because no one knows what the hell is going on anymore!!! Well…the Pile of Shit Games is TJES answer to the shittiness that has become the X Games. They are surely going to be bigger and better than the X Games could ever hope to be, as they are happening on TJES, and because *cue the big booming crescendo-y music* Sal Masekela is going to be in studio today to do what he does best and commentate the Pile of Shit Games. By the way, from this point on the Pile of Shit Games will be referred to as the Excrement Games because one listener is a fucking genius and should have been at the meeting yesterday. Ellis and Tully are super pumped about having Sal Masekela on the show because he is a super cool guy, and they have been trying to get him to come on the show for years. Years! Since Tully was a producer! That’s how many years! Ellis is so pumped on it himself that he’s not even really going to believe that Sal is actually going to be on the show until he sees him there in the Green Room, and who can blame him since apparently they would always get sososososo close to having him on the show and then *poof* no Sal Masekela for Ellis, or Tully, or Jenni. Yeah…I threw myself in there. Fuck you.

In other news, while they’re waiting for Sal to either show or be a no show Ellis talks about how he watched Hockey last night. And Hockey is kind of Mega. Better than Football, mega. So Mega, that if aliens came from another planet to judge us based on the sports we play, they would think Hockey players are the most skilled athletes out of all of the athletes on Earth because damn, there’s a lot that goes into it. Ellis said that 90% of Canadian fans were super thrilled that he was finally giving Hockey a shot, and probably are even more so now that they know that he enjoyed it and didn’t think it was a big wank. I know I’m all squeeeeeeeeeee that Ellis enjoyed the game because I loooooooooove Hockey. It is the only sport that I am into and HOLY FUCK THE RANGERS ARE IN THE STANLEY CUP FINALS!!!! They haven’t been in the finals in forever and the last time that they won The Cup was legit 20 years ago. I was seven, in the first grade, and there was only one Islander fan who was booing the Rangers the entire time and his name was James. I remember his last name too, like the creep that I am, but I feel like it’s weird to go blasting it on the internet 20 years later. The Kings won the game last night in OT, and Ellis tweeted some sort of LA Kings positive tweet and a fan got on him for being a jump on the wagon type of guy, which is bullshit, because Ellis just wants to try and get into Hockey for his fans. And yeah, Hockey fans are kind of assholes because no one likes Hockey until they love hockey and there are a tone of people who start loving it this time of year because it’s the finals and that shit is super intense and exciting and some next level shit.

AND HOLY CRAP SAL MASEKELA IS IN THE GREEN ROOM RIGHT NOW. Except…not right now…this was like…5 and a half hours ago right now. You know. Whatever. BUT HE IS FINALLY ON THE JASON ELLIS SHOW!!! Cue the entrance music and stop flexing at Ellis through the glass and get your butt in there, Sal Masekela!!! Sal sits down and tells Tully that he caught him Wikipedia-ing him and there was a little sidebar about how Ellis stays away from Wikipedia because it’s kind of bullshit and people change shit around on there just to be dicks. But, Sal Masekela, ESPN correspondent, Red Bull, Clippers Fan, all around awesome guy, is in the studio. Ellis and Sal reminisce for a bit, Sal tells Ellis that he loves Katie and loves seeing his life on Instagram and that he gets a little envious, and they discuss why Sal isn’t with the X Games any longer (they didn’t want to pay him the money that he deserved, and he was getting all excited over the direction that Red Bull was going in) and to be honest, my SiriusXM app was acting like a dick and I kept missing chunks, so I don’t know exactly what they talked about, but when it started working again Sal was telling a story involving George Clooney and an interview that he did with him and how he was traveling with someone else from the same network that he was working with and that bitch was a straight up bitch. And then…the reveal. The bitch. It was Giuliana Rancic. Yeah…that bitch. But, Clooney, being Ca-looney saved the day by being his all around spectacular self and when Giuliana went over on her interview time (they were both supposed to get 7 minutes and she went for 12) Clooney told his publicist that no, Sal Masekela does not have only three minutes with me, he gets to do his interview. Fuck you. I may or may not have added the fuck you. Whatever, Sal says that life is too short to hate on people like Giuliana Rancic, but she’s not nice, and Ellis says that he and Tully will hate on her on his behalf, as well as because they just don’t like her to begin with. She looks like a Chihuahua.

Back from the first break….Dun da-da-da, it is time for the Excrement Games to begin!!!! Sal Masekela slips right into super professional announcer voice and the games begin with the first event- Thumb Wrestling. The first round of thumb wrestling was between Jetta and Tully, a man with a 32″ vertical jump and a 31″ penis and it is a short, but heated match-up. In the end Tully triumphs over Jetta and his floral sneakers, and it goes to Kevin ‘The Man Who is 90% Shit CumTard’ Kraft versus Jason ‘Fuck Your Paper and Your Words’ Ellis. If you were on the edge of your seat reading this wondering who would triumph…you sir, are a moron. Of course Ellis and his Man Hands came out on top of the cyst-y sweaty thumb of CumTard. Silly reader. Next up is the match between Tully and Will, which is more of a nail-biter, because Tully faces elimination at this point, and then gets eliminated, leaving the final round between Will and his girthier than Ellis’ hands and Ellis’ Jiu Jitsu thumbs. There was some back and forth, a quick attempt at submission by Will that Ellis sprang out of just in the nick of time, and some serious yelling by the guys as Ellis becomes the first Medal Winner of the First Annual Excrement Games brought to you by the Jason Ellis Show and hosted by Sal Masekela.

They move right in to the Second Event which was a sexy round of Shake Weight Stare Down!!!! First up, Sal Masekela throws his hat in the ring for medal contention and goes up against Ellis to see who can jack off a shake weight while participating in a staring contest. Sal ‘Two Hand BC Have You Seen My Dick’ Masekela didn’t last long against Jason ‘Don’t Make Love Eyes At Me’ Ellis because he blinks when he cums and Ellis has a beautiful orgasm-inducing face and then there is some talk about how the Shake Weight is the worst thing ever, but the makers of it undoubtedly made a shit ton of money because people are done. Then there was a quick chat about how it’s only okay to cum with your eyes open if the other person isn’t looking or if there is a big, mutual romantic stare down thing going on, and then the second pairing of Michael ‘Eyes Like a Reverse Salamander’ Tully versus Kevin ‘Eyes Will Steal Your Soul’ Kraft. CumTard was the quick winner of this round, as Tully is a rather blinky fellow, and it is time for Ellis and Cumtard to duke it out for Gold while making really offensive faces at one another. But, as we already know, staring into Ellis’ face is the quick path to blinking because it’s hard to stare into something as glorious as the sun for long without blinking or burning out one’s retinas…which I’m sure would also cause you to blink, or close your eyes to staunch the flow of bloody tears falling out of your eye sockets. Jason Ellis…the man with the face who will make you cry blood tears. Before the break Tully informs us that Aubrey Marcus from Onnit will be calling in shortly to continue his series on getting us fucks to be a little more healthy on the daily, and Sal Masekela mentions that starting the Paleo Diet changed his life, because when you start to be able to see the Finish Line, you need to evaluate the things that you are doing in your life.

As we rejoined the show back from the break Sal has put on his sunglasses in an effort to be more like Big Daddy Jay and comments that Ellis really is the best. Ellis talks about how it’s crazy that this is his job because it’s not even really like a job, it’s just awesome, but Sal gives those of us who aren’t a part of OfficialJasonEllis.com a peek behind the scenes of what goes on during the break, saying that they function like a well oiled machine and that Ellis and Tully have the utmost respect for one another’s ideas. Woo! But Aubrey from Onnit is on the phone to keep telling us about ways to have more energy throughout the day. Last week, for a quick recap, you can check out my recap…hahahahahahahaha. This week…he’s phoning in (but not phoning it in) to tell us that we will have more energy in our daily life if we work on eliminating stress from our lives and toxins from our bodies. Humans apparently, weren’t really made to be as stressed as we have all become, we’re supposed to be chill most of the time and then the stress response was supposed to come into play in short bursts like, say, if we were being chased by a predator. Stress releases a hormone called cortisol, which is fine in little doses, but kind of sucks for all of us in the levels that are built up from chronic stress, and cortisol depletes brain function, halts digestion, and affects a bunch of other processes in the body because it’s prepping all of that extra blood to go to things that we would need to function if we were running away from a predator trying to eat us for dinner. So, what are ways that we can work on dealing with the stress? Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as ‘letting it go’ for most people as Sal Masekela suggests, but there are some simple things we can do, like chewing gum (natural sugar is better than fake sugar…or try toothpicks), music, laughter, being in nature, and meditation. Meditation can be tricky, and if you don’t have the time or resources to head down to Peru and try Huachama and Vilke like Aubrey did to help figure out the state that you should be in to get all meditate-y, you can check out sensory deprivation chambers, which will put you in a similar state. There’s also yoga. Yoga is all kinds of chill. I agree with that. I’m turning into a real yogi and that shit is wonderful. Another thing that we can do to up our energy levels is to stop ingesting toxins. At this point, if you’ve been paying attention, we’re pretty aware of what’s in food, drinks, cigarettes, and things like that that are bad for us, but we should also be paying attention to what we put on our skin. Why? Because between 65 and 100% of the chemicals that are in things that we put on our skin get absorbed through the skin and go into our bloodstream. The scrotum is the best at absorbing these chemicals, so stop slathering lead paint on your balls, guys, and the other big offenders are the forehead and armpits. Try switching to organic deodorants that don’t have aluminum and shit like that in them. Also, your toothpaste has a shit ton of chemicals in it, and though we’re not quite sure yet what all the flouride is going to do to us, wouldn’t switching to an organic toothpaste be better?

Back to the Excrement Games, it’s time for Event Number 3- Mario Kart! It’s a rousing round of Mario Kart that the guys play, the leader constantly switching between Jetta, Tully, and Ellis- Will was playing but even though he’s the father of three boys he has absolutely no skills when it comes to playing video games and I’m pretty sure he was never actually in the lead. Jetta, taking advantage of a green shell that Tully expertly aimed at Ellis, who was in the lead, comes from behind and wins it in the third lap, giving him both his first medal and his first gold!! I mean, really, his nickname is Jetta, after his car, at least it almost sort of makes imaginary sense that he won the Mario Kart game.

Event Number Four in the Excrement Games is a Best Trick Competition using the Ken Block RC Cars. Ellis doesn’t want to go first, not wanting to risk that the other guys will copy his sweet moves, so CumTard is the first one to give it a go. He thinks it will be a good idea to drop his pants and display his leather thong while trying to jump his Ken Block car through a piece of paper and from one ramp to another. He fails, because he is CumTarded, and Will is the next one to go…and it looked like he was going to go straight out of the window. But, he didn’t because Jetta and CumTard form a human shield against the window and it winds up not mattering because Will misses and fails to inflict any bodily harm. Ellis is up next and he is going for a classic ramp to ramp jump, nothing complicated, because why pull out all of the stops and give it away to a goober? But! Gasp!!! Ellis jumps the car short, and it is all coming down to Michael ‘I’ve Been Waiting For This My Whole Life’ Tully who tapes some deodorant to  the top of the car and goes for a ramp to ramp ‘Double Pits to Chesty’ AND HE FUCKING NAILED IT!!!!!! At this point Sal tells Tully that he always knew he was a funny guy, but now he knows that Tully is actually a comedic genius, and Tully takes the time to thank his sponsor LinkedIn and his Dark Overlord, Satan.

There’s a quick stoppage in the game for a medal count, which at this point lies thusly, with only 2 events remaining:
CumTard; 1 Gold Medal
Sal Masekela: 1 Bronze Medal
Jason Ellis: 1 Gold Medal, 2 Silver Medals, 1 Gold Medal        IN THE LEAD
Jetta: 1 Gold Medal
Will: 1 Silver Medal, 1 Bronze Medal
Tully: 1 Gold Medal, 1 Silver Medal, 1 Bronze Medal

The Fifth Event in the Excrement Games is Rock, Paper, Scissor and they get into it with Will calling out Tully for the first round. Tully’s rock crushed Will’s scissor and he waits on the sidelines to see who he will face in the semi-finals. Jetta’s paper would have covered CumTard’s rock, but Jetta gets DQ’d by Sal Masekela for not adequately throwing out his hand, and CumTard goes to wait in the wings with Tully. The third round in the preliminaries is Ellis versus Sal, and Ellis destroys Sal’s scissor with his mighty rocking fist. Boom. CumTard sizes up Tully and deftly cover’s Tully’s rock with his Paper, and the final round is CumTard versus Ellis in a Best of Three. The first round goes to Ellis. The second round goes to CumTard. Everyone is on the edge of their seat to see who is going to bring home the Gold in this event. There is a misthrow, which Ellis wins, but Sal calls for a re-do. Again…the tension mounts. Who is going to win this EPIC Rock, Paper, Scissors Throwdown? Who? Will it be Ellis, the favorite? Or will it be CumTard, The Underdog? The guy that if Ellis weren’t facing off against, that Ellis would root for, because Ellis loves an underdog? One, two, three!!!! And Jason ‘I Mine Gold For a Living’ Ellis DESTROYS Cumtard and brings home yet another Excrement Games Yellow But Supposed to be Gold Medal!!!! The crowd goes wild! It’s amazing!!! Ellis starts crying and thanking Odin and women are weeping and their panties are dropping….it’s EllisMANIA. Ha.

Time for the Final Event- Hoola Hoop-Off! Of course it’s not at simple as just hoola hooping (which is not simple, in my opinion, because I suck at it) but has the added twist where the hoola hoop-ee will also be under fire by the gallery who are all armed with rubber bands. Will is up first and he manages a respectable guy time of 2.91 seconds while being blasted by rubber bands. Cumtard is up next, pantsless in his leather thong, and lasts a surprising 13.38 seconds, his hips swiveling with such a force that the sight of his dick is unleashed on innocent bystander Sal Masekela who then nails Cumtard in the dick with a rubber band without even looking. Jetta and his coordinated shoes and shirt are up next and he only lasts 2 seconds because Tully couldn’t even press the stop button fast enough. Sal takes up the hoop next and lasts 3 seconds, putting him in silver medal contention, but Tully talks a big game as he picks up the hoop for his turn. He lasts longer than Sal, who calls bullshit, and Tully offers to go again and lasts only 1.34 seconds…or definitely not as long as Sal, so that is the official time. Last up, here comes Jason ‘I Got Kids Motherfucker’ Ellis with a mind boggling 18 second long Hoola Hoop!!!

And that’s the games folks!!! The First Annual Excrement Games brought to you by The Jason Ellis Show and Hosted by Sal Masekela have come to an end!!!! Ellis is the undisputed winner of the games, and Sal doesn’t want to go, but his hot publicist is giving him the ‘It’s Time to Go’ face. He wants to come back soon, and says whenever he’s invited and is in town he will definitely come by. Tully asks him how he feels about being bitten by predators, and since he has no problem with that so long as they’re not venomous, it seems like Sal Masekela might be back sooner rather than later for Sting Pong.

Back from the last break…Tully brings us a news story involving cops and their wives and their swinging ways and the fight they all got in to and pulled guns and nonsense and a cop called the cops on the other cop because cops should probably never be involved in Swinging because there are only two kinds of cops: Fat Cops and Cocaine Cops. The Don’t Die callers are calling to answer the question: What would you do if you just won Gold in the Excrement Games and you got to go home and Fuck your boyfriend who is Al Pacino? My Answer? Lots of lines off of Al Pacino’s cock, that’s what. ;)

Things We Learned on TJES today:

Katie’s Dick Tattoo was just a Sharpie…they’ve got kids, guys

Ellis has a kind heart, but sometimes he’s insecure and hungover and mean to people

Ellis’ cock is back to 150% following his heart surgery

TJES is 360 degrees of awesome lately

Tully would be an evil mastermind of doing insane shit with $100,000 if he were a billionaire

There should be a porn chick named Allie Money

Welcome to the Pack New Wolfknives!!!! Spaghetti Nachos, Leg Room, Scabby 2 Dope, Cock Lightening McQueen, D-Rob, Scleroshima, PooFingers McGee, Juice Hooker, Alligator Snatch, BILF, Bitch Little, Helicopter Plastic, 4 Potatoes and A Log, Dr. AssTeeth, Byron Cullen, Illegal Beefstorm, and Clark Gable!!!!

 

 

 

 

I fucking loved the Excrement Games!!!! Can there be summer and winter ones so I don’t have to wait a year to hear this all again?!?!?!?!?!?!?

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Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/7/2014

its-coming-back

Tie-dye is coming back? It’s only a matter of time until crispy, crimped 80’s hair comes back too.

It’s fucking Monday, you motherfuckers! Let’s fucking see what the motherfucking show has for us motherfuckers today. Well, the fucking white boy is back intro is back in rotation, which I think is a good thing and so does motherfucking Wilson Pendarvalis. Fucking tie-dye has apparently come back, according to motherfucking Dingo and Tully – Tully even saw that fucking shit at the motherfucking Gap. Alright, fine. I’ll scale back on all the “fucking” and “motherfucking” – for now. Dingo didn’t realize Ellis had already spilled the proverbial beans on their make-out session from last week while they were at the Chateau Marmont. Oh la-la! I don’t how this guy ends up being a topic on the show as much, but Sal Masekela talk came up. I don’t even know why or how he fits into the divorced chicks & people kissing other people at the Chateau conversation, but there ya go. Since Ken Block & his wife were there, inevitably, we heard about how rich he is and nobody really knows how he’s still so rich, and he has a waterfall and hot tub and shit. This beget discussion about Ellis MiniMoto Mania and how even though it’s meant as a PG-13 event, there’s no promises a titty or a “fuck” isn’t going to be making an appearance at some point. Super dad weekend sounds like it went off pretty well, Devin even kept her word and rode even though she was really hesitant and had a few freak out sessions. But she did it and that’s what counts! Oh, and she’s okay with shit now too. Ellis almost pulled Fifty’s head off because he kept fucking with Tiger and being a dumb dog. He also ran over Burger because she’s a dumb dog too and tried to bit the tire of Ellis’ bike. The first hour was filled all kinds of information (such as Dingo’s “friend” named Stephanie), stories, and what-not. But the main thing I would like to bring attention to is the fact that Dingo did not speak over anyone in the first hour. So shout out to the man with the luscious locks! He’s becoming quite the radio professional.

dingo-meets-everyone

Contrary to what you might think, this is not Dingo meeting people.

What’s Nick Lachey up to these days? He and his wife Vanessa Minnillo left their 18-month-old son at home for a quadruple date with friends where the group ordered red snapper tacos, celery root ravioli, chicken and waffles and warm donuts for dessert. This mega-breaking-story could only be trumped by one thing and one thing only. And that is the fact that Dingo has met Vanessa before. The guy has literally met everyone. Actually there’s another Dingo story we need to discuss. He went to a taco festival Saturday, came home and cough-vomited all over his balcony. Speaking of cough-vomit, we have a porn star named Siri in studio now. From her own Twitter profile: “The face that fucked a thousands dicks.” She’s there to try and record some lines for the show intro. Dingo could care less that’s there’s a porn star swinging a kettle bell in front of his face, he’s got Hollywood shit to do. She did her thing and just like that, she was whisked back out of our lives and out of the studio. But before she left, she left us with a parting message of having 10 guys cum on her head, and it wasn’t even on video, it was just a Wednesday. So real quickly, we go back to the sports desk for some Moto News with Dingo. Villopoto retains his points lead, Stewart has moved ahead of Dungey who is in third and the injured Chad Reed has finally dropped off the top 10 list. Now over to the new desk with Tully for a story about a listener who stuck a ball pump needle in his dickhole and tried to pump up his junk. Quickly back over to Dingo for some piss talk which Ellis isn’t too jazzed about because god damn it, THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW! Just kidding, he just doesn’t want people to think he and Katie are constantly giving each other golden showers. Anchorman 2, Dingo and Tully hated it, while Ellis and Wilson thought it was awesome. Wilson thinks maybe they didn’t like it because they’re fucking assholes. This of course led us to talk about Sea World, orcas, and nice cows. Ellis is starting to feel weird about eating cows because they’re so damn nice, or so they want you to think, and that’s when they attack! Total dicks.

history-lesson-time

Get ready to learn, it’s history lesson time with Ellis & Dingo!

Frank DeCaro will be on the show tomorrow, which gives us a perfect segue into Napoleon’s little dick. A British show called Dead Famous DNA says it has confirmed that Napoleon had a “very small” pecker, measuring in at a whopping one-and-a-half inches. On this very day in 1947, Henry Ford died, and contrary to popular belief, he did not invent the car, he invented the assembly line. Motherfucker found a way to pump out Model-T’s while inadvertently destroying the lives of future American workers. Tully continued testing Dingo & Ellis’ knowledge of other historical facts about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, George Washington, Pocahontas, and more. It’s always an entertaining time to hear Ellis and Dingo spill their vast knowledge of history. Well motherfucking fuck-shit. My computer is all fucked up and now I’m frantically trying to get this done from my wife’s laptop so I can try to fix my motherfucking machine, so bear with me here. Wilson came in the studio and sounded mad, said he wasn’t going to discuss something or another with Ellis and that he knows what’s what because he’s no dummy. I have no idea what that was about. Tully does not currently have a special place where he wants to fuck his wife other than the bed.  Brock Lesnar still has diverticulitis. Cumtard still has diarrhea, which has been going on since last week. They Skyped up potential fighters for the biggest loser fight at EMX, one stand-out was John. Apparently he’s an ex-wrestler (or maybe current) and a large dude who is also a gym rat, allegedly. He seems like the kind of dude that’s going to turn someone’s ass into a pile of chewed up bubble gum. David Letterman is retiring, Micky Rooney and Peaches Geldolf are dead, like my motherfucking computer, and Octane is unsurprisingly playing horrible music at this very moment – and probably at any given moment. Shout out to Rural Radio. Ted Nugent is a racist asshole, there’s a Goonies sequel in the works, and Trick Daddy was arrested and got plump. There was some more but motherfucking fuck that shit, I’ve got a computer to toil over. Final calls. Bing-bing-bam-popcorn and the shows over.

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Show Re-cap For Monday 1/28/2013

Will Rawdog have a similar conversation one day in the future?

Will Rawdog have a similar conversation one day in the future?

Welcome, are you ready to fucking fuck? How about just find out what the fuck went on with the show today? Okay, cool. You think you’re tough? Like shark tough? Well wrap your gills around this shit, a killer whale will come up from under your shark ass without you knowing it and ram your shit, and you will explode! So you ain’t so tough. Remember that fucking shit, fuck. Rawdog’s wearing a shirt with a tiger on it today but says he’s a lion, even though when he goes home, he puts on his Burger King crown. Sounds like Ellis’ head tattoo guy isn’t calling him back, so the bear head, head tattoo might already be history. A drunk Dingo opened up to Cullen at the X-Games about that new announcer chick, Ramona Bruland. I don’t know exactly what was said, I’m not sure he knows either – but the gist was that he thinks X-Games fucked up by replacing Sal Masekela with that chick, and saying it makes everyone look bad. Josh Hansen called in, so naturally, talk instantly turned to moto and how he got ejected from Supercross and how they want him to pay a $4,000 fine for taking some dude out in a turn.

Mr. Easter Bunny likes that crack rock too!

Mr. Easter Bunny likes that crack rock too!

Exciting news for Rawdog, he will be going back out with that new chick he recently met online and jacked off to last week! He also signed up for some sketch comedy classes over the weekend and is still hitting the gym as well, so things are looking up for his Jewish ass! Go get ’em tiger lion! Dave Mirra called into the show all excited, Ellis had to hush him up real quick and told him not to talk about anything they’ve recently been texting each other about. Could this mean a possible Mirra presence at another upcoming EllisMania? If you’re on that crack, cocaine, or a crack cocaine cookie, you ain’t hiding that shit from nobody – no matter how good of a lie you think up. Have you been wondering how to make crack? Maybe you’re having guests over for a dinner party and are looking to impress them with your cooking skills? Well good news, you can listen to E-40 – The Recipe to find out how!

Why shouldn't get Rawdog get a tattoo that says "I love my sister"?

Why shouldn’t Rawdog get a tattoo that says “I love my sister”?

Rawdog lost his bet over the weekend concerning the UFC, now he has to get a tattoo while he and Grant Cobb are both wearing shock collars, or eat salad for an entire week. You know he’s not going to be eating just salads for an entire week, so time to start brainstorming tattoo ideas for Rawdog! It was at this point that I missed the next 45 minutes or so of the show and have no idea what went on. I came back in with Rawdog and Tully reading what I assume was Hollywood news and then they went to break with some Michael Jackson. Sweet news for you Soundgarden / Ellis fans, the new video for “By Crooked Steps” by Soundgarden, featuring Ellis & Katie, and directed by Dave Grohl, is out today. Even though Ellis didn’t get paid in money to appear in the video, apparently Dave had asked Ellis when he wanted him to go on the show! Brand new game today, “Win Kevin Kraft’s Money” which is odd because that dude has about as much money as that homeless guy that sleeps under the bridge. His whole $11 is on the line here, if you can guess the correct answers to the questions, you can really put Cumtard in the poor house. Perhaps not so surprisingly, the callers didn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground so the guys had to resort to cheating to get people to win Cumtard’s money. Hopefully next week, we’ll have a “Win Will Pendarvis’s Money” game where the tables will be turned.

Overly attached listener's can be scary. Trust me, I am one.

Overly attached listener’s can be scary. Trust me, I am one.

There’s a website that Dingo frequents quite often, it shows registered molesters that are living in your area. It’s weird too, because those red dots just seem to keep following Dingo around, no matter where he moves. HA! (see what I’m insinuating there) There was a dirty cock sock smell in the studio that everyone but Rawdog could smell. That might lead you to believe it was Rawdog that was stanking, but remember this too – Dingo just left your little sister’s house and socks come in handy when you’re tying down the unwilling. OH SNAP! (Ooops I did it again) Some dude called in to get permission to name his bulldog after Tully. I didn’t even know that was something that needed to be asked? Some chick called in about indecent exposure and distributing drugs, but nobody really took her seriously because, well, she’s a woman. BA-ZING! And then a copper from Oklahoma called about humping on kids, said it was pretty cool (no he didn’t) and that people are given different levels. You start off as a novice and can work your way up to Phil Donahue status, which is considered the highest level of wizard. And with that, we end the re-cap with your dad, the ultimate kid toucher, the ding-a-ling put to his mouth and sing cowboy, Phil Donahue. OH!

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