You know how that show Seinfeld was a show about nothing? Welllll..that’s kind of how I felt about the show today. I don’t know if I’m the only one feeling this way, but it was a whole lot of talking (because, duh) but at the end of it I was all…wait..what am I gonna write about? I dunno maybe I’m cranky cause I’m experiencing terrible allergies for the first time in my life and I’ve had a Continue reading
Here it is, what you’ve been waiting all weekend for. It’s Monday, Monday, MONDAY! Live, from the planet earth, it’s The Jason Ellis Show Recap! Get it in ya! MONSTER RECAP MONDAAAAY! Alright, you sold on it yet? I’m sold on it. Do you say “effin” or “friggin” or “freakin” or some variation there-of for “fuckin”? I understand. Sometimes you gotta do it, but sometimes you gotta let that genie out of the bottle, too. Try it. Say it. I’ll wait for you. Somebody said something about Katie’s laugh on Jason’s Instagram and he almost told that person that their neck was pregnant, but he didn’t. He’s not going to waste his “effin” time being all bitter and mean and “shibbidy”. Dingo got to hear about sweaty hands and Brian Deegan and how much time and energy Deegan used to waste on a hating. Bloods and Crips, one of them is better than the other, Wilson is part of MS13, Rawdog ain’t scurred of any of them because he’s Jewish for life, and Tully thinks Hollywood is really just a giant shithole. His new neighbors were scoping him out since they’re the new kids on the block and the neighbors are wondering if that means their hood is turning to shit. Betsy is donating $7,500 to charity like some kind of badass – which is fucking badass – therefore she’s badass. But nobody can figure out why she likes the show because she’s got way more class than anyone there. Tiggy’s still bringing the pain to the dirty, stinking, red headed kid at soccer. He scored 8 goals, thereby solidifying his first major step in becoming the next David Beckham. He’s definitely already surpassed Rawdog, who had the most soccer balls stolen from him during a game. How are professional athletes making so much money and getting so many breaks? Even though they’re rich as fuck and have a glamorous life, a lot of them end up broke as shit. Cry me a “effin” river.
Breaking news with Wilson Pendarvis! The cops have the building surrounded and the streets blocked off because of a suspicious looking package / potential bomb threat. Which of course means that TJES could literally be on the verge of blowing the fuck up. Will’s oddly looking out the window, listening to multiple police scanners, frantically pushing buttons on his massive phone, and praying a bomb will go off to end his pain and misery. Breaking Richmond family news with Rawdog! His sister Gabi, aka “The Tooth”, is now engaged and ready for an adulterous relationship soon. Just kidding. Congratulations to her clavicle breaking ass, but fuck her fiancé because none of us know him. He could be a sweet dude, but we’ll never know. Ellis took the kids and Katie horseback riding over the weekend. And just like you’d imagine someone named “The King of The West” would do, he took a cell phone call while riding and did an interview over the phone. Hey, did you know Ellis used to skateboard? Yup, he sure did. He also watched the Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth show this weekend, as did I, and it was fucking great. Circling back around to professional athletes and how stupid they are with money, everyone had their butthole clinch a bit when Tyson talked about being charged $8,000 for towels. Not because they were awesome towels, but because he wasn’t watching what shit-dick Don King was doing with Tyson’s money.
UFC news time, Rawdog did not watch it, GSP retained his title against Johny Hendricks (who spells Johnny with 1 N?), even though a ton of people thought he lost, including Dana White. A lot of GSP fans are pissed that anyone has an issue with him winning, of course, and apparently those people don’t like anyone to have an opinion that differs from their own. Dana was livid with the decision and blamed The Nevada State Athletic Commission, saying “they have a lot of work to do, that they make him sick, and they better figure out how to not destroy, not only the sport of boxing, but this sport, too.” Hendricks also weighed in on the matter and says he doesn’t care if GSP retires or not, he just wants what is clearly his, the belt. Josh Koscheck was brutally knocked out by Tyron Woodley in the first round, leaving many to question if Koscheck has the chin for MMA anymore. Chael Sonnen was man-handled by Rashad Evans on Saturday, eventually leading to a knockout of Sonnen, which left me shrugging my shoulders because I’m not a big fan of either of those guys. But I’d say Chael needs to stick to his TV game and by the looks from the fight, Rashad probably has a chance to stick around fighting for awhile. Robbie Lawler won his fight with Rory MacDonald in a decision left to the judges. And finally, according to Dana White, Jon Jones has withdrew from UFC 170 due to injuries.
In other big news, your Ugg boots, the ones made out of sheep skin? Yeah, they’re made out of sheep skin and a sheep has to die for you to look ridiculous. Okay, that doesn’t actually qualify for big news, but this does. Next Tuesday, November 26th is the release party for Big Fucking Mega Boat, with a live show at some go kart track and everyone is invited, even Wilson. According to local Thailand expert, Dingo, those people are greasy and he used to be full of grease as a young boy in Thailand. NFL news time with expert professional football statistician, Rawdog. Peyton (nay Paytaun) Manning threw the ball towards other guys that were themselves running towards the goal. There was a 2 hour windy mud delay in Chicago creating what might have been the longest football game in the history of tennis. Somebody kicked a field goal and then they won. Stealers beat the Lions by going hard in the paint for rebounds. Wilson is sporting some Red Dragons jeans that make his butt look incredible and cause people to scream Red Dragons anytime he passes by shaking his money maker. Just ask Katie. And Ashley. And your mom.
Jason says the show is repping Onnit hardcore, but oddly, they never mentioned a contest sponsored by Onnit because Onnit wants to give back to TJES fans. Strange, because you’d think a shitball website dedicated to TJES & running a contest by Onnit would be worthy of a mention, but nooooo. (Calm down, it’s a joke.) Anyway. This brought us into an episode of “You sir, are a moron.” The first topic up, should you have the right to burn the American flag? Next topic, how many times jerking off in one day is too many? Next, who is the most over-rated musician of all time? Next, would you turn your mom in if she killed someone? And then, what if your wife had an outtie belly button? I think there was another one before that, but I missed it. Next, is it wrong to give money to organizations like PETA? And finally, what is the highest job in “office” (political) would anyone on the show be qualified to hold? So there ya go, questions without answers to keep you up at night. But good news, I have one more question, this time with an answer to help give you closure. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? He cried because his wife got it in the divorce, along with the farm, his 3 kids, his happiness, his money, and his dog named Tim. Oh and his dignity. And there you have it. “Don’t die” is Ellis’ saying, so I’ll end this recap in my own way, while saying pretty much the same thing.
Here we are again, another Monday, and if you’d think talking to humans would be easy, but it’s not. Also, if you could shit one of your dicks out and have two eyes and two brains, it’d be easier. I don’t know what any of that means, don’t ask me. Dingo’s in the house, and he doesn’t have a freebie to bone Katie, but Millsaps does. Talking about motocross, Chad’a Reed did something or another, but didn’t do another thing. A pantsless Ellis interviewed and shook hands with Total Moto Poto, and he doesn’t have a freebie to bone Katie either. Katie hates football, but Ellis had to watch it at least a little bit so he was busy switching between porn and football. Rawdog didn’t watch football at all, so I assume he may have been flipping back and forth between porn and the puppy bowl. Tully and Dingo did watch the game, but not together so it’s not gay.
Thunder Thighs TLC Destiny’s Child performed some annoying, yet manly, shit during the halftime break at the Super Bowl. Beyoncé’s wide box and devil face pretty much were the talk of the world though, not because it was stellar, but because her wide box was, well, wide. I still say Kenda Perez has the widest box on the planet, see a box comparison. Hey, good news, Rashad Evans lost his fight and Dana White says Rashad lost the desire and drive to compete. Dingo didn’t realize that his home country of Australia has proposed a new flag.
We got to hear some of JägerBeard’s new buttons from Friday’s show, where he was slurring words and belligerently telling Tully and Ellis not to fuck his sister. After the show Friday, he went home and took a 4 hour nap, hungover and with a headache. He was hungry and was driving to Ralph’s when he felt like he had to throw-up, pulled over and puked. He couldn’t stop puking and decided to say fuck food and just go back home. Good stuff, if you missed Friday’s show, you missed out on a fun-ass show. The salad diet may be taking a toll on Rawdog, today he complained of feeling lightheaded, so Ellis had the intern run out to get him a salad. Sounds like he’s not eating much of anything, one is only left to assume he’s not eating much because he hates salads and would rather go hungry than eat something healthy. He also doesn’t like people to watch him eat salad, he didn’t want anyone to watch or film him, which made everyone think that Rawdog may be cheating – which Rawdog vehemently denies. Ellis ended up kicking him off the air and sent him out of the studio to eat his salad. It sounds like Rawdog might actually be doing himself some harm trying to fulfill this bet, he definitely shouldn’t be feeling faint and clearly needs more food in his body. After 16 minutes, Rawdog ended up coming in to show how much he’s eaten in that time – which didn’t sound like much. He got sent back out to the parking lot to keep eating his salad.
Speaking of eating healthy, do you think Jay-Z juices? Or do you think he just eats healthier because he’s rich and famous and it’s easier to eat healthier when you have a personal chef and dietician watching and preparing your food for you. One thing’s for sure, he’s not eating no horse meat hamburgers. That Jared guy from Subway? Yea, there’s no way Jared is eating only Subway sandwiches, maintaining his weight loss, and health. What? Corporations lie to consumers? I have never, ever, never-ever, in all my years… I’m speechless. Cumtard had some friends come in from out of town so they could be on his podcast, which isn’t live, and you can only listen to – not watch. After the show on Friday, he and his friends headed to Vegas – his car makes a noise, blows up, and they have to pull over on the side of the road – still 40 miles away from Vegas. They call AAA and waited in the middle of the desert for 2 hours, finally get to Vegas and raise a little hell by winning and losing some money. Josh came back in, ate all his salad, busted out his get out of jail free card when called Ellis out for not fulfilling his end of a bet where he was supposed to eat fast food and didn’t. Rawdog was clearly pissed and let them know he was pissed and then the show tried to soldier on without this massive weirdness in the air.
JizzCult came in with a game to play, which helped lighten the mood and kept the show rolling on. The game went well and Tully won like $15 bucks or something. JizzCult might be getting a new name due to a boxing poster Tully saw and took a picture of, Mookie The Sponge Back, or something like that. Some chick called in to tell Ellis she had a dream about him where they made out and went hard in the paint with some foreplay and she woke up before insertion, but she sounded satisfied anyway. Bri-Bri from Idaho called in to tell the gang that he and the other one dude that lives in Idaho are starting a “Future 41” sled team. Ladies, you can send your unsigned burps into the show if you like, do not however, I repeat, do not send in your unsigned farts. Another Jew hater that called in last week to say a happy Jew birthday to Rawdog, called in today to say he’s not antisemitic, but we all know better – you can just hear it over the phone. I was almost expecting that guy to say something like, “now that Obama is in office, they’re tearing out the rose garden and putting in a watermelon patch.” like the racist that he his. OH!