Texans just can’t stop talking about how big everything they have is. I wonder if they’re over-compensating for something……..please don’t shoot me. Continue reading
Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking to myself, “I wonder who Will’s killing right now?”. To think I shook hands with and ate breakfast at EM9 next to that goddamn monster. *shudders* Continue reading
Guess what day it is? Not Saturday, not Sunday, nope not even close. It’s Friday and it looks like some bad ass mother fucker managed to post this recap for you bitches on time! Go ahead and applause, I’ll wait. Ellis opened the show saying he needs a happier b side intro so when he’s feeling a little less murderey he can play it. Tully has a fucked up ligamental tendon in his dorsal elbowus armus majorus. That’s doctor talk for “yer arms
fucked up” and if he was a Viking he would be dead or hanging in the back with that one tarded guy that is always playing with the ants. They chatted about slow animals, duck dynasty, rich people in white clothes, and the Diarrhea game before Tully went on and on and on about basketball. Not that I’m not a fan of basketball but I’m not a fan of basketball, so fuck it. But the one thing I do know about basketball is that when LeBron is running down the court and his game is kinda short, diarrhea cha cha cha diarrhea. Ellis watched a movie where old ass Liam Nison kicked everybody’s ass in a totally believable wrist locking karate chopping movie. A woman in Florida was charged with firing an offensive missile into an automobile. It was an offensive bb missile but the best part of the story is her name, Crystal Methany. This got Tully and Jason talking about all the bad things about doing meth and coke and this led to the talk about the good things about coke, which let to them talking about E poopies. Everything makes a full circle eventually.
Three New York workers had to pray at work or they’ll get fired to the great god Onion Head. All hail Onion Head! Ellis, Tully, Kevin, and Hot Dog played a rousing game of everyone’s favorite, Shock Pictionary! Jason and Tully won the game but we all know the real winners were the listening audience, which means if you’re reading this because you missed the show then you’re a loser, loo-zer, la-hoo zah-her.
Harrison Ford got injured on set of the new Star Wars film. And with this late breaking news Christian “I Don’t Think My Names Long Enough To Be An Epic Radio Name” James Hand came in and told us how the full moon and alignment of the planets tonight are going to make the streets run red with blood of menstruating women and innocent men. He also brought more isolated tracks for everyone. We heard Van Halen with the breakdown of Hot For Teacher, then they had a short interruption on a little subject but they kept the conversation minimal, nothing big. Back to the tracks, They played a beautiful song by a chubby English girl whose name I don’t know. Then he played Aerosmith, whose names I know well. We heard Love In An Elevator and even without instruments that song rips it the fuck up! What else rips it the fuck up little 11 year old Michael Jackson who we heard next. Iron Maiden made a stellar appearance, not to be outdone Christian played Take On Me by Ah Ha, except they aren’t as good. And then the Chili Peppers. Not gonna lie, I’m sure this part of the recap sucks balls and is taking forever to get through even though this segment kicks ass so I’m gonna fast forward and…. Music break.
In Aubrey’s Corner we learned that it’s best to drink water, tea, or coffee. Your body knows you’re too slow to catch a buffalo so it makes you fatter. Fat is good unless it’s from fried shit. Butter and cheese is yummy but best if it’s from organic grass fed cows. Poop regularly, often, like two to three times a day! You also need to sweat, whether it’s in the gym, in the sauna, or to the oldies, it’s a good way for your body to detox and produce hormones and other important shit. Basically you don’t have to starve yourself, just eat smart, natural foods, and be active. Not hard people. Check out Onnit’s grocery guide for more help.
“If you like beer than have a fucking beer!” – Aubrey Marcus
They ended the show asking, “what’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done with your kid?” Probably the dumbest thing I ever did was when my second daughter was two she was standing up in her high chair and I told her to sit down so she just let her feet slip and fall onto her butt. Unfortunately when she landed she bit her tongue with her two front teeth almost all the way through. Blood was everywhere, she was crying, my wife wasn’t home and I was freaking out. After calming down I remembered that cold stuff helps stop bleeding so I gave her a tub of ice cream and a spoon. That was a pretty dumb thing but it doesn’t beat the dumbest thing your dad’s ever done, yer mum, OH!
Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show hosted by that guy that we all love with the big powerful voice that can rule the world with his mouth. Boom…did you get that Cullen? Hahaha…I got a good chuckle out of that…but if you’re gonna rule the world with anything, why not your mouth? Especially when you are Jason Ellis, Kind of the West? All sorts of appropriate inappropriateness. Getting right into it, the thing that you have been waiting for that you probably weren’t aware that you were waiting for: Today is the day of the Pile of Shit Games!!!! Woo-hoo! The crowd goes wild! There is cheering and jumping and yelling and riots in the streets because no one knows what the hell is going on anymore!!! Well…the Pile of Shit Games is TJES answer to the shittiness that has become the X Games. They are surely going to be bigger and better than the X Games could ever hope to be, as they are happening on TJES, and because *cue the big booming crescendo-y music* Sal Masekela is going to be in studio today to do what he does best and commentate the Pile of Shit Games. By the way, from this point on the Pile of Shit Games will be referred to as the Excrement Games because one listener is a fucking genius and should have been at the meeting yesterday. Ellis and Tully are super pumped about having Sal Masekela on the show because he is a super cool guy, and they have been trying to get him to come on the show for years. Years! Since Tully was a producer! That’s how many years! Ellis is so pumped on it himself that he’s not even really going to believe that Sal is actually going to be on the show until he sees him there in the Green Room, and who can blame him since apparently they would always get sososososo close to having him on the show and then *poof* no Sal Masekela for Ellis, or Tully, or Jenni. Yeah…I threw myself in there. Fuck you.
In other news, while they’re waiting for Sal to either show or be a no show Ellis talks about how he watched Hockey last night. And Hockey is kind of Mega. Better than Football, mega. So Mega, that if aliens came from another planet to judge us based on the sports we play, they would think Hockey players are the most skilled athletes out of all of the athletes on Earth because damn, there’s a lot that goes into it. Ellis said that 90% of Canadian fans were super thrilled that he was finally giving Hockey a shot, and probably are even more so now that they know that he enjoyed it and didn’t think it was a big wank. I know I’m all squeeeeeeeeeee that Ellis enjoyed the game because I loooooooooove Hockey. It is the only sport that I am into and HOLY FUCK THE RANGERS ARE IN THE STANLEY CUP FINALS!!!! They haven’t been in the finals in forever and the last time that they won The Cup was legit 20 years ago. I was seven, in the first grade, and there was only one Islander fan who was booing the Rangers the entire time and his name was James. I remember his last name too, like the creep that I am, but I feel like it’s weird to go blasting it on the internet 20 years later. The Kings won the game last night in OT, and Ellis tweeted some sort of LA Kings positive tweet and a fan got on him for being a jump on the wagon type of guy, which is bullshit, because Ellis just wants to try and get into Hockey for his fans. And yeah, Hockey fans are kind of assholes because no one likes Hockey until they love hockey and there are a tone of people who start loving it this time of year because it’s the finals and that shit is super intense and exciting and some next level shit.
AND HOLY CRAP SAL MASEKELA IS IN THE GREEN ROOM RIGHT NOW. Except…not right now…this was like…5 and a half hours ago right now. You know. Whatever. BUT HE IS FINALLY ON THE JASON ELLIS SHOW!!! Cue the entrance music and stop flexing at Ellis through the glass and get your butt in there, Sal Masekela!!! Sal sits down and tells Tully that he caught him Wikipedia-ing him and there was a little sidebar about how Ellis stays away from Wikipedia because it’s kind of bullshit and people change shit around on there just to be dicks. But, Sal Masekela, ESPN correspondent, Red Bull, Clippers Fan, all around awesome guy, is in the studio. Ellis and Sal reminisce for a bit, Sal tells Ellis that he loves Katie and loves seeing his life on Instagram and that he gets a little envious, and they discuss why Sal isn’t with the X Games any longer (they didn’t want to pay him the money that he deserved, and he was getting all excited over the direction that Red Bull was going in) and to be honest, my SiriusXM app was acting like a dick and I kept missing chunks, so I don’t know exactly what they talked about, but when it started working again Sal was telling a story involving George Clooney and an interview that he did with him and how he was traveling with someone else from the same network that he was working with and that bitch was a straight up bitch. And then…the reveal. The bitch. It was Giuliana Rancic. Yeah…that bitch. But, Clooney, being Ca-looney saved the day by being his all around spectacular self and when Giuliana went over on her interview time (they were both supposed to get 7 minutes and she went for 12) Clooney told his publicist that no, Sal Masekela does not have only three minutes with me, he gets to do his interview. Fuck you. I may or may not have added the fuck you. Whatever, Sal says that life is too short to hate on people like Giuliana Rancic, but she’s not nice, and Ellis says that he and Tully will hate on her on his behalf, as well as because they just don’t like her to begin with. She looks like a Chihuahua.
Back from the first break….Dun da-da-da, it is time for the Excrement Games to begin!!!! Sal Masekela slips right into super professional announcer voice and the games begin with the first event- Thumb Wrestling. The first round of thumb wrestling was between Jetta and Tully, a man with a 32″ vertical jump and a 31″ penis and it is a short, but heated match-up. In the end Tully triumphs over Jetta and his floral sneakers, and it goes to Kevin ‘The Man Who is 90% Shit CumTard’ Kraft versus Jason ‘Fuck Your Paper and Your Words’ Ellis. If you were on the edge of your seat reading this wondering who would triumph…you sir, are a moron. Of course Ellis and his Man Hands came out on top of the cyst-y sweaty thumb of CumTard. Silly reader. Next up is the match between Tully and Will, which is more of a nail-biter, because Tully faces elimination at this point, and then gets eliminated, leaving the final round between Will and his girthier than Ellis’ hands and Ellis’ Jiu Jitsu thumbs. There was some back and forth, a quick attempt at submission by Will that Ellis sprang out of just in the nick of time, and some serious yelling by the guys as Ellis becomes the first Medal Winner of the First Annual Excrement Games brought to you by the Jason Ellis Show and hosted by Sal Masekela.
They move right in to the Second Event which was a sexy round of Shake Weight Stare Down!!!! First up, Sal Masekela throws his hat in the ring for medal contention and goes up against Ellis to see who can jack off a shake weight while participating in a staring contest. Sal ‘Two Hand BC Have You Seen My Dick’ Masekela didn’t last long against Jason ‘Don’t Make Love Eyes At Me’ Ellis because he blinks when he cums and Ellis has a beautiful orgasm-inducing face and then there is some talk about how the Shake Weight is the worst thing ever, but the makers of it undoubtedly made a shit ton of money because people are done. Then there was a quick chat about how it’s only okay to cum with your eyes open if the other person isn’t looking or if there is a big, mutual romantic stare down thing going on, and then the second pairing of Michael ‘Eyes Like a Reverse Salamander’ Tully versus Kevin ‘Eyes Will Steal Your Soul’ Kraft. CumTard was the quick winner of this round, as Tully is a rather blinky fellow, and it is time for Ellis and Cumtard to duke it out for Gold while making really offensive faces at one another. But, as we already know, staring into Ellis’ face is the quick path to blinking because it’s hard to stare into something as glorious as the sun for long without blinking or burning out one’s retinas…which I’m sure would also cause you to blink, or close your eyes to staunch the flow of bloody tears falling out of your eye sockets. Jason Ellis…the man with the face who will make you cry blood tears. Before the break Tully informs us that Aubrey Marcus from Onnit will be calling in shortly to continue his series on getting us fucks to be a little more healthy on the daily, and Sal Masekela mentions that starting the Paleo Diet changed his life, because when you start to be able to see the Finish Line, you need to evaluate the things that you are doing in your life.
As we rejoined the show back from the break Sal has put on his sunglasses in an effort to be more like Big Daddy Jay and comments that Ellis really is the best. Ellis talks about how it’s crazy that this is his job because it’s not even really like a job, it’s just awesome, but Sal gives those of us who aren’t a part of OfficialJasonEllis.com a peek behind the scenes of what goes on during the break, saying that they function like a well oiled machine and that Ellis and Tully have the utmost respect for one another’s ideas. Woo! But Aubrey from Onnit is on the phone to keep telling us about ways to have more energy throughout the day. Last week, for a quick recap, you can check out my recap…hahahahahahahaha. This week…he’s phoning in (but not phoning it in) to tell us that we will have more energy in our daily life if we work on eliminating stress from our lives and toxins from our bodies. Humans apparently, weren’t really made to be as stressed as we have all become, we’re supposed to be chill most of the time and then the stress response was supposed to come into play in short bursts like, say, if we were being chased by a predator. Stress releases a hormone called cortisol, which is fine in little doses, but kind of sucks for all of us in the levels that are built up from chronic stress, and cortisol depletes brain function, halts digestion, and affects a bunch of other processes in the body because it’s prepping all of that extra blood to go to things that we would need to function if we were running away from a predator trying to eat us for dinner. So, what are ways that we can work on dealing with the stress? Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as ‘letting it go’ for most people as Sal Masekela suggests, but there are some simple things we can do, like chewing gum (natural sugar is better than fake sugar…or try toothpicks), music, laughter, being in nature, and meditation. Meditation can be tricky, and if you don’t have the time or resources to head down to Peru and try Huachama and Vilke like Aubrey did to help figure out the state that you should be in to get all meditate-y, you can check out sensory deprivation chambers, which will put you in a similar state. There’s also yoga. Yoga is all kinds of chill. I agree with that. I’m turning into a real yogi and that shit is wonderful. Another thing that we can do to up our energy levels is to stop ingesting toxins. At this point, if you’ve been paying attention, we’re pretty aware of what’s in food, drinks, cigarettes, and things like that that are bad for us, but we should also be paying attention to what we put on our skin. Why? Because between 65 and 100% of the chemicals that are in things that we put on our skin get absorbed through the skin and go into our bloodstream. The scrotum is the best at absorbing these chemicals, so stop slathering lead paint on your balls, guys, and the other big offenders are the forehead and armpits. Try switching to organic deodorants that don’t have aluminum and shit like that in them. Also, your toothpaste has a shit ton of chemicals in it, and though we’re not quite sure yet what all the flouride is going to do to us, wouldn’t switching to an organic toothpaste be better?
Back to the Excrement Games, it’s time for Event Number 3- Mario Kart! It’s a rousing round of Mario Kart that the guys play, the leader constantly switching between Jetta, Tully, and Ellis- Will was playing but even though he’s the father of three boys he has absolutely no skills when it comes to playing video games and I’m pretty sure he was never actually in the lead. Jetta, taking advantage of a green shell that Tully expertly aimed at Ellis, who was in the lead, comes from behind and wins it in the third lap, giving him both his first medal and his first gold!! I mean, really, his nickname is Jetta, after his car, at least it almost sort of makes imaginary sense that he won the Mario Kart game.
Event Number Four in the Excrement Games is a Best Trick Competition using the Ken Block RC Cars. Ellis doesn’t want to go first, not wanting to risk that the other guys will copy his sweet moves, so CumTard is the first one to give it a go. He thinks it will be a good idea to drop his pants and display his leather thong while trying to jump his Ken Block car through a piece of paper and from one ramp to another. He fails, because he is CumTarded, and Will is the next one to go…and it looked like he was going to go straight out of the window. But, he didn’t because Jetta and CumTard form a human shield against the window and it winds up not mattering because Will misses and fails to inflict any bodily harm. Ellis is up next and he is going for a classic ramp to ramp jump, nothing complicated, because why pull out all of the stops and give it away to a goober? But! Gasp!!! Ellis jumps the car short, and it is all coming down to Michael ‘I’ve Been Waiting For This My Whole Life’ Tully who tapes some deodorant to the top of the car and goes for a ramp to ramp ‘Double Pits to Chesty’ AND HE FUCKING NAILED IT!!!!!! At this point Sal tells Tully that he always knew he was a funny guy, but now he knows that Tully is actually a comedic genius, and Tully takes the time to thank his sponsor LinkedIn and his Dark Overlord, Satan.
There’s a quick stoppage in the game for a medal count, which at this point lies thusly, with only 2 events remaining:
CumTard; 1 Gold Medal
Sal Masekela: 1 Bronze Medal
Jason Ellis: 1 Gold Medal, 2 Silver Medals, 1 Gold Medal IN THE LEAD
Jetta: 1 Gold Medal
Will: 1 Silver Medal, 1 Bronze Medal
Tully: 1 Gold Medal, 1 Silver Medal, 1 Bronze Medal
The Fifth Event in the Excrement Games is Rock, Paper, Scissor and they get into it with Will calling out Tully for the first round. Tully’s rock crushed Will’s scissor and he waits on the sidelines to see who he will face in the semi-finals. Jetta’s paper would have covered CumTard’s rock, but Jetta gets DQ’d by Sal Masekela for not adequately throwing out his hand, and CumTard goes to wait in the wings with Tully. The third round in the preliminaries is Ellis versus Sal, and Ellis destroys Sal’s scissor with his mighty rocking fist. Boom. CumTard sizes up Tully and deftly cover’s Tully’s rock with his Paper, and the final round is CumTard versus Ellis in a Best of Three. The first round goes to Ellis. The second round goes to CumTard. Everyone is on the edge of their seat to see who is going to bring home the Gold in this event. There is a misthrow, which Ellis wins, but Sal calls for a re-do. Again…the tension mounts. Who is going to win this EPIC Rock, Paper, Scissors Throwdown? Who? Will it be Ellis, the favorite? Or will it be CumTard, The Underdog? The guy that if Ellis weren’t facing off against, that Ellis would root for, because Ellis loves an underdog? One, two, three!!!! And Jason ‘I Mine Gold For a Living’ Ellis DESTROYS Cumtard and brings home yet another Excrement Games Yellow But Supposed to be Gold Medal!!!! The crowd goes wild! It’s amazing!!! Ellis starts crying and thanking Odin and women are weeping and their panties are dropping….it’s EllisMANIA. Ha.
Time for the Final Event- Hoola Hoop-Off! Of course it’s not at simple as just hoola hooping (which is not simple, in my opinion, because I suck at it) but has the added twist where the hoola hoop-ee will also be under fire by the gallery who are all armed with rubber bands. Will is up first and he manages a respectable guy time of 2.91 seconds while being blasted by rubber bands. Cumtard is up next, pantsless in his leather thong, and lasts a surprising 13.38 seconds, his hips swiveling with such a force that the sight of his dick is unleashed on innocent bystander Sal Masekela who then nails Cumtard in the dick with a rubber band without even looking. Jetta and his coordinated shoes and shirt are up next and he only lasts 2 seconds because Tully couldn’t even press the stop button fast enough. Sal takes up the hoop next and lasts 3 seconds, putting him in silver medal contention, but Tully talks a big game as he picks up the hoop for his turn. He lasts longer than Sal, who calls bullshit, and Tully offers to go again and lasts only 1.34 seconds…or definitely not as long as Sal, so that is the official time. Last up, here comes Jason ‘I Got Kids Motherfucker’ Ellis with a mind boggling 18 second long Hoola Hoop!!!
And that’s the games folks!!! The First Annual Excrement Games brought to you by The Jason Ellis Show and Hosted by Sal Masekela have come to an end!!!! Ellis is the undisputed winner of the games, and Sal doesn’t want to go, but his hot publicist is giving him the ‘It’s Time to Go’ face. He wants to come back soon, and says whenever he’s invited and is in town he will definitely come by. Tully asks him how he feels about being bitten by predators, and since he has no problem with that so long as they’re not venomous, it seems like Sal Masekela might be back sooner rather than later for Sting Pong.
Back from the last break…Tully brings us a news story involving cops and their wives and their swinging ways and the fight they all got in to and pulled guns and nonsense and a cop called the cops on the other cop because cops should probably never be involved in Swinging because there are only two kinds of cops: Fat Cops and Cocaine Cops. The Don’t Die callers are calling to answer the question: What would you do if you just won Gold in the Excrement Games and you got to go home and Fuck your boyfriend who is Al Pacino? My Answer? Lots of lines off of Al Pacino’s cock, that’s what. ;)
Things We Learned on TJES today:
Katie’s Dick Tattoo was just a Sharpie…they’ve got kids, guys
Ellis has a kind heart, but sometimes he’s insecure and hungover and mean to people
Ellis’ cock is back to 150% following his heart surgery
TJES is 360 degrees of awesome lately
Tully would be an evil mastermind of doing insane shit with $100,000 if he were a billionaire
There should be a porn chick named Allie Money
Welcome to the Pack New Wolfknives!!!! Spaghetti Nachos, Leg Room, Scabby 2 Dope, Cock Lightening McQueen, D-Rob, Scleroshima, PooFingers McGee, Juice Hooker, Alligator Snatch, BILF, Bitch Little, Helicopter Plastic, 4 Potatoes and A Log, Dr. AssTeeth, Byron Cullen, Illegal Beefstorm, and Clark Gable!!!!
I fucking loved the Excrement Games!!!! Can there be summer and winter ones so I don’t have to wait a year to hear this all again?!?!?!?!?!?!?
You know..my day had been going pretty well up until about two hours ago..give or take depending on when the show ended. I’m not gonna go into detail but..fuck this shit..and FYI..I’m typing this on my iPhone..and that’s basically the least of my fucking worries. Ugh. Ughughugh. It’s funny because all of those ughs together look like a couple of hugs. Hugs are way more useful than ughs.
so anyways..Welcome to THE show. Most of us listeners aren’t listening to the show on a farm or out in nature (is an oilfield nature? Would that count? Is an oilfield the place that nature goes to die?!) but apparently we should be. Why? Because Ellis says so and as it’s his show, he probably knows what he’s talking about. He is awesome like that. He wants to get back in touch with nature and with his roots and all of that but not in Australia, he wants to transplant the roots that he’s getting back in touch with to be transplanted here to where his heart calls home, the good old US of A because he is a great American. The only thing that worries him about getting in touch with his roots here in America is we have bears. Apparently there aren’t too many bears running around the outback in the bush and Ellis is prepared to deal with just about every gnarly creature in creation except for a bear. Tully advises him a bit on the subject saying he’s better off not dealing with the beat at all and just getting the hell out of dodge if a bear comes along, because those things are not to be fucked with. Although, Tully does mention that there isn’t a great chance that Ellis would come across a bear in a national park because..well..I don’t know why, but I’ve only been camping one time in my life and it wasn’t in a bear area so..anyway. Ellis questioned getting a gun to protect him and the kids and Katie from a bear attack, but Tully wisely chimed in that that was probably a horrible idea that could go wrong in soso many ways. This is all being talked about because at some point in the relatively near future they have off for a week and Ellis is looking into a little family weeklong getaway. Originally he was looking into spending that time at the O’Neill racing camp so he could learn to drive the buggyracecarthingthatidontreallygetwhatitis a little better, but it’s in the middle of nowhere and he doesn’t want to go somewhere that’s fun for him but not so fun for the kids, because that isn’t fair. A caller does call the show to tell him that the racing camp is in New Hampshire and while there isn’t anything to do in that immediate area, there are a couple kiddie themed theme parks that the kids may enjoy, so maybe that isn’t entirely off the table at this point.
On the subject of kids for realsies at this point Ellis brings up that Tiger wants to go to work with Daddy like he did that one time and be on the radio, and the idea gets brought up that he and Tully should have a bring your son to work day. Tully thinks it would be worth it just because he wants to be amused by the people of the Green Room- Kevin, Jetta, and Will- trying to be responsible for the kids for whatever time they aren’t actively on the air. Ellis doesn’t really seem to want the Green Room to be responsible for his kids, well, except for Will, and probably Jetta wouldn’t be so bad, but Kevin taking care of his kid might be a freaking disaster and a half. Hahahaha. Tully has confidence in Will’s kid abilities as well, probably because Will is a father himself who has managed to not kill or maim his progeny, and he pegs Jetta as the kind of guy who wouldn’t be completely horrible at it, but would definitely leave the situation kind of harassed and haggard because Jetta is just not ready to deal with all the things that a kid entails. He doesn’t have much faith in Kevin’s childcare abilities either. Ellis says that Kevin would be fine, probably, so long as he knew what the line was and didn’t cross it, because he’s probably be entertaining and like a giant cartoon character, but he still seemed pretty shaky on the whole idea. Kevin came in to the studio to defend himself on the matter stating that about five years ago when he was in New York he was hooking up with all kinds of Mama’s with babies and the kids all loved him. But, let’s be honest, he’s probably lost all of that skill by now. Tully and Ellis riff for a while about what their kids could talk about on the air, and got so far as Monster Trucks, because Little Dude is in to them and so is Tiger, and scary things, because Little Dude is kind of ‘in’ to being scared right now and is being scared by everything and Tiger has a story about being chased by a dog that winds up biting him and that is scary as shit to any little kid. The theme here is that Little Dude sort of sets the bar for the conversation, because he’s the Little Dude and doesn’t have the grandest vocabulary because he is still, really, a baby. I mean, at least to me, and I’m writing this…so sufffffffahhhhhhhh.
Moving on there is some brief talk about how Ken Block is going to be on the show tomorrow and they will be giving away some Ken Block RC Cars like the ones that were gifted to Ellis, and if you want one you should probably be listening to the show tomorrow. Isn’t that neat? I think it’s neat. I want one. I have always loved RC cars. Other little girls were asking for Barbies and shit (which I never wanted to be involved in, at all) and I was always asking for the latest and greatest in Radio Control Cars, because I probably am a guy trapped in a girl’s body who is probably gay on account of how much I love Hubbs, and yeah, I seriously think about that sometimes. I don’t think I really am, and I’m not trying to make a joke out of it, because being Transgender is serious, but looking at my life…I’m a super masculine chick in a lot of ways. Always have been, and probably always will be. I don’t know if this makes Hubbs lucky or unlucky. He doesn’t seem to really hate it.
Back to the show.
A caller named Jessica calls in to the show, which is why I’m calling her a caller, and she just wanted to tell Ellis and Tully that even though she didn’t get chosen for The Biggest Loser Fight at Ellismania 10, she isn’t going to let that curtail her desire to get in shape. She has already lost 5 pounds (go Jessica!!!!!) and is looking forward to getting fit. On top of that, after listening to how Will is going to quit smoking, she decided that she too was quitting smoking and that is just another thing that is going to make her life so much better!!! Woo hooo!!! Will is an inspiration to the masses!!! Tully mentions that he kind of wishes that they could get a guy who works for Big Tobacco on to the show to talk to them and ask them how they deal with life and get through every day when they know that they peddle a product that straight up kills people. Will pops his head into the studio to say that they probably do what anyone else in an unsavory career does and rationalizes the fuck out of it, rather than deal with the cold hard truth that they are death peddlers, because yeah, they have to feed their families, and yeah, if they weren’t doing it there would always be another person out there to take up the torch of death peddling. Also, if he’s going to start going to the gym with Ellis on Monday, it has to be earlier than 9AM. Not because he is trying to get out of it, which Ellis accuses him of, but because he starts his day at the office at 9AM and it would be way easier and make much more sense in his life if they could meet at the gym at 7AM. Done. Gym starts Monday at 7AM.
Speaking of death, let’s talk about people who eat the food at 7-11. What the fuck is up with that? And not like the people who once in a drunk or high while grab some 7-11 people, let’s talk about the hardcore ‘I ingest this poison every day’ people because….seriously?!?!?!?! Tully says he’s not sure if it’s a phenomena that occurs outside of LA, but it is, it happens here in New York, and not just the metropolitan NY, out here on Long Island in whatever kind of suburbia this is, there are people who walk into the 7-11’s day after day and feed their hankering for a pizza cooked by heating lamp. The office I worked at was right next door to 7-11, I saw that shit on the daily when I would go in to get my ‘I’m halfway through the day and need a second cup’ of tea. There are people who do that and are fine, but the stats, as Tully and Ellis say, are stacked against you. They then start talking about eating healthy and eating clean and how important it is, especially as one gets to their thirties and so on, and how they feel like shit after eating shit and McDonald’s is the devil. I don’t mean to sound dismissive, but again, this is all being done on an iPhone and this is not a new subject. Eat clean and feel good. Eat shit and feel shitty. Boom.
At some point in here CumTard pops in the studio to regale the guys and us listeners with his latest tale of Being Jason Bourne, where some crazy/mentally unstable individual snatched his newly gotten Bacon, Egg, and Cheese from the Deli, chucked it into the street where it fell to its death beneath the wheels of a big ol’ bus and incited CumTard to give chase to the fucking insane guy. This random crazy guy had apparently attacked some other innocent bystander recently and CumTard was about to beat the snot out of him when he was thrown off by the guys Charles Manson-esque rage babble. Instead, he found himself dodging Karate kicks and calling the guy a fucking asshole psycho and I don’t know how it turns out that the guy got away from CumTard Bourne but at some point the police may be coming to take his statement on the whole ordeal since someone called the cops on this. Damn. That could totally be a really lame straight to Netflix movie that no one ever watches, not even me and Hubbs, who have watched so many bad movies on Netflix on purpose because there are nights where it is simply ‘Bad Movie Night’. Think ‘Oh shit! This movie got negative stars?!?!?!?! Bring it on, motherfucker! Pass the Lemonheads!!’
Back from the break Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood are in the studio and if you don’t know who they are or where they’re from, then I feel bad for you. I mean, even if you are a new listener, HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING IN A BOX???? That’s not even an excuse because for a long long long time I basically lived in a box, and in a lot of ways I still kind of do, and I know who the hell they are. You, you have zero excuses. But they are in the studio and I was driving and taking not notes, so this is what I remember. First, traffic fucking blows hardcore when it’s rush hour and you’re driving home from Queens. Second…they are Hilarious. There was some talk about Ellis’s heart surgery and how doctors are awesome…but then again some doctors aren’t and there really is a larger margin for good versus bad when it comes to doctoring than one might imagine. Even Catherwood was surprised about the competency gap when he and Drew originally got on the subject when they were talking about things for Love Line. Yeah…doctors are just as shitty as every other human has the potential to be. There are really good ones and there are really bad ones. Dr. Drew mentions at one point in the conversation, and it kind of didn’t register too high on the conversation radar, that if you’re looking for a good doctor, especially if it’s something big, look for information about them being Board Certified. Usually a Board Certified Doctor has his shit pretty together. Dr. Drew also has known Ellis’s heart doctor, whose name is Dave for a really long time and gives him the A+ stamp of approval. There are also a lot of dick jokes, talking about sex, and how Dr. Drew has a huge brocrush on Ellis that is not going to end anytime soon. It’s Dr. Drew and Catherwood, people, it’s always good when they’re on. So good that it’s worth catching the replay or downloading the on demand episode. Love it.
They also played a game!!! With Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood on one team and the good old King and Queen on the opposing team, the foursome played a rousing game of Ellis Password and it was fucking hilarious. I was still driving (at this point actually closer to the call we were going to and having to navigate rich people streets through all of the hilarity). If you don’t know how Password is played, again, even living in a box is no excuses, but I referenced Love Line up there (AKA What Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood do together) so I’ll briefly explain. In Password, one member of the team has a word, the ‘password’ and they give their partner one word clues in order to get them to say the word (in this case they have three chances). Easy peasy. But not. I love games like this. There’s one called Taboo where it’s the same premise with the added twist that there is also a list of things that you can’t say to your partner to try and get them to say the Password. When I play that game with certain people, it makes me think that I am psychic. I even thought I was a little psychic listening to them play password on the show, because, I shit you not, I knew what Ellis and Tully were going to say to each other before they said it. Hubbs is a witness. I’m creepy. They played until five and I learned that Mike Catherwood and Dr. Drew are both really competitive (Catherwood’s is an aggressive competitiveness and Dr. Drew’s is much more laid back) because at one point, even Tully made a comment that it’s a good thing Catherwood isn’t The Hulk because otherwise he would have Hulked out and destroyed Dr. Drew’s face with his fist. Dr. Drew failed miserably when the password was ‘Doctor’ and not because he was unable to make Mike Catherwood say it, but because he didn’t say, “Me” as the clue. I’m kind of surprised that Tully didn’t get ‘Dragon’ on the first try after Ellis said ‘Red’, although he did eventually get it…and I will never know what made Ellis said ‘Purple’ after hearing the clues for ‘Pink’ which were- Rose, Vagina, Flower, and Girly. It was a great segment and I look forward to them doing it again with another power couple. Before Mike and Dr. Drew left there was some talk about them being a part of Ellismania, where Catherwood would be up to fighting Tyler Posey (whom he loves) and Dr. Drew could maybe be running the Cut Corner. Which he had to have explained to him. Dr. Drew would love to fight Geraldo, except not, because he’s a doctor and that’s not a good look for him. Ellis also got Mike Catherwood to dish a bit on his wife, Bianca, who was on the slate to be on the show after they left, and he talked about how she had a baby 6 weeks ago at home with a midwife and likes to be talked dirty to during sex about fictional people who he had sex with, in great detail. Oh, and she totally heard him say that, and she’s in the Green Room breastfeeding.
Back from the second break, Bianca, wife to Mike Catherwood and Actress on the New NBC show, Undateable which premiered tonight at 9 on NBC is in the studio to talk about…stuff. Lots of stuff. Like, hour and a half worth of stuff, which I still did not get to take notes on until the last fifteen minutes. And she seems…awesome. Like, I would totally hang out with her and get to know her and want to be BFF’s and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be like the other mom’s that I know who hate me because I’m a decade younger and a decade and a half cuter than they are. I hate people. Anyway…yeah…they literally talk about everything. Ellis makes a comment off the bat that she seems very motherly and he just wants to open up to her, and spoon her, and cry to her, and be mummied by her in a non-creepy way. She says that she has definitely gotten that since before she became a mom (to a little girl 7 weeks ago!!! Congrats!!!) and I feel like I was a fly on the wall of a get to know you therapy session where the doctor just basically gets you to lay it all out on the table. Seriously. Everything. They talk about her having a baby at home, about possibly being a hippy (and if she is one, she’s def one of the Earthy laid back chicks who is super mellow and not one of the weird ones who don’t wash their hair and smell like their homemade compost heap around the clock and hemp oil). They talk about sexual preferences, people having sexual energy, Ellis’ childhood, her teens and twenties, him being married twice, her being married once before, kids, food, fucking everything. It was fucking fantastic, which I find fantastic, because sometimes the ladies (Not Katie, obviously) are a little one dimensional, but she was really ready to get down to the gnitty gritty and wasn’t shy about answering any question and was completely forthcoming about her life and relationships, and she was really refreshing. She reminds me of me a bit, and hopefully, I will still be like her when I am 37. In the future, we may see her featured as the star of one of TJES movies as Vominatrix…a psycho killer lady who vomits on her victim’s dead bodies. Awesome.
Rounding out the end of the show is a phone call from Aubrey Marcus from Onnit, our new weekly whole body health guru!!! Woooooooo!!!! I think I like this guy more every time he’s on the show. I’m really loving the tips that he’s sharing and I don’t know if it’s because I’ve turned into a yogi and am getting really into the whole mind/body connection or what, but I feel super motivated whenever he is on. This week is the first week that he’s calling in for tips, last week he was in the studio on air talking about Step One and figuring out where it is that you want to be. He says that he has some tips on Energy and getting more energy to get through the day and maybe just give you that little extra push to get the things done that you really want to get done, like maybe if you’re a but on the cusp about whether or not you’ll go to the gym, these tips might help push you to getting there. And they are simple and involve things that you need to survive. The trifecta of shit we need to keep living is air, water, and food. Boom. Simple. Food is the obvious one when it comes to how it affects our energy levels so he leaves that one last, and starts with the two less obvious ones- Air and Water. We all need air to breathe. Boom. That is not an epiphany. But apparently, the way that we are breathing does have an effect on our day to day energy levels. Aubrey explains that most people are chest breathers, which keeps us going and puts oxygen in our blood, but deep breathing is better. What is deep breathing? It’s breathing that fills up the entire volume of the lung as opposed to just the upper portion that chest breathing fills. Deep breathing is powered by the diaphragm and you feel it in your belly. So, what should we do? We should pay more attention to our breathing, because breathing is life, yo. But seriously, throughout the day, when you find yourself with some spare minutes while driving, behind your desk, in line at the bank, or what have you, concentrate on taking some deeper breaths. Deeper breathing leads to more oxygen in the blood, more red blood cells powering your tissues and your mind and woo-hoo, just an extra bit of energy to get you through the day. Easy as pie, and we all know that pie is slutty. Next on the list is water. We are mostly made of water, so obviously it’s important. But Aubrey says something that, I think everyone knows in some corner of their mind, that most people are dehydrated. What’s the solution? Well…drink more water. That’s simple. And it really is simple. Get a re-usable bottle of water, fill it up, and sip throughout the day. It’s tougher to pinpoint an actual quantity of how much water you should intake because there are factors like caffeine intake, the amount of fruit and veggies in your daily diet, how many cheeseburgers you eat, and how much salt you consume, but just drink more water. Yes, there is such a thing as drinking too much water, but in the long run, it won’t really hurt you. Drinking water effing hydrates you, it makes your body run better, drink more H2O and feel good about it. Don’t chug. Chugging is not the goods. Just stay hydrated. Lastly, there is food. Obviously you should eat good food, and that’s not really what today’s phone call is about. It is more about HOW you eat food. Apparently we should all chew our food. A lot. Mastication is the first step in digestion. It starts breaking down all those nutrients locked in food and makes it easier for our stomach to digest further, which helps it absorb in our blood better to fuel our bodies. Chew your food until it’s fucking liquid. And if you’re drinking healthy shakes or green drinks, chew it a bit to get some saliva mixed in. There ya go. Also, it’s not the best think to drink while you’re eating a meal as it can dilute the acid in your stomach and halt the digestion process and make it less effective. Digestion is important. And try and finish your eats about 2 – 2/12 hours before you go to sleep, so your body can rest rather than do the digestion work.
The Don’t Die calls were motivated by the question, “What’s the worst text/email that you have accidentally sent to the wrong person at the wrong time?” Ellis broke the ice with how he texted his Ex-Wife “I miss you” which he had meant to send to Katie, but it wasn’t a disaster and he told her that he sent the text to the wrong person before she could even respond. Will told us that he texted who he thought was a buddy that he hadn’t heard from him in a while and they should get together, but it was actually an employee he had fired that was surprised to hear that Will missed having him around. Hahahaha.
Things We Learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:
Dr. Drew would let Ellis finger his butthole if Ellis was dressed like Mick Dundee
Ellis and Tully won the Password Game, of course
Kids are really self-centered
Tully and his wife’s relationship is based around food
70% of the population is uncircumcised- Ellis has a stock cock
Pink is Little Dude’s favorite color
You don’t need a CDL to rent an RV
The Grand Canyon is where you go if you’re a city kid and want to see stars
If you smoke a cigarette out of your vagine, you’re a permanent moron
Bianca was in labor for 25 hours…no drugs…no doctor
Being a Parent is weird
Being Choked out is worse than being knocked out
Mike Catherwood needs to stop farting in front of his wife