Show Re-Cap for Monday 10/14/2013

It’s the aftermath of EllisMania 9, some of you are probably still drunk and some of probably feel like you need to push your eyeballs back into your heads and shave your tongues. We got a shitload to get to today, so bare with me. Ellis is still feeling the effects of the weekend, he came back with more free shit than what he left with. He’s super happy with everyone and how things went even though this EllisMania wasn’t quite as polished – but it still worked and it worked good. The fans were cool for the most part, but there were a few that had way too much to drink, which made it hard for Ellis to talk to them. With people that drink too much, comes more chances for drama, and there was some drama. Shit. Wait. I already fucked up. First, I should tell you that Dingo is in studio today, which is impressive, but Rawdog is not in studio today, and it sounds like there is a story behind it – but we’ll get into that later. Okay, now that we have that cleared up, let’s keep moving forward by going back to the past. So when Ellis arrived in Vegas and found out he didn’t have his usual room, Katie was expecting Ellis to flip out. He didn’t, at all. He was fine and the room that he did get was the tits so he was still in a good mood. Okay, now let’s hop to Saturday night really quick. Tim Sabean was there and has told Wilson how impressed he was with not only the event, but with how Ellis fought. He was impressed enough that he actually sent some video and pictures to his bosses and told them they had to see it and how impressive it was. Also, Tully is into fisting and Wilson, as we all know, is into lanyards, saw the EllisFam lanyard and really wants one – you listening @Wolfman812?

Back to Friday’s live broadcast from Vegas. For as much as nothing was really planned and nobody showed up for weigh-in’s, the radio show still worked and worked well. Plus, Ellis may have allegedly saw a bit of vagoo, along with 50 other fans of the show. Sam Ruben made a call into the show today to yammer on about himself a little and talk about how his fake fight went with Tera Patrick. Ellis called him out about emailing the show asking to make sure he doesn’t get hit in the face, yet wanting to have a “real” fight, potentially with Tully. Ellis and Tully wouldn’t let Sam wiggle in his bullshit about wanting to have a real fight but not wanting to get hit in the face. Sam tried to save a little face, but they weren’t about to let him off the hook that easily. Who cares, he’s a weasel. Now, back to Friday, this time at the Death! Death! Die! show. Apparently Christian was fucking up pretty good, which made everyone else in the band feel better about their performance since Shoebox is pretty much the most professional musician in the band. Even with the mistakes, the guys felt like the show was probably the best show they’ve put on. Several fans got to go up and try singing with the band, but one fan, Zach, seemed to stand out for singing Pain of Time.

Now, here’s your fair warning. Go grab your popcorn or whatever snack of your choice, grab yourself a drink, hit the bathroom, make sure you’re comfortable, and get ready for the inevitable EllisMania 9 drama for your baby mama that accompanies any large gathering of drunk people.

So why isn’t Josh there today? Apparently Friday night got a little fucked up, there was some drama, and now Josh and Ellis aren’t cool with each other right now. Friday night, Rawdog called up Ellis saying he and his girlfriend needed to go to Ellis’ room and talk to him right away. Ellis was trying to relax and stay in the zone for his fight and told Josh to just tell him on the phone since they’re on the phone with each other right now, not to mention Ellis isn’t too fond of Josh’s girlfriend. Josh proceeds to tell Ellis that someone in his and his girlfriend’s group of friends had gotten drugged, something slipped in their drink, at the Circle Bar and claimed it was a very well known and longtime member of EllisFam. This EllisFam member (who shall remain anonymous) is well known for buying drinks for people, expensive drinks at that, and just enjoys doing that sort of thing and always has. From the sounds of it, Ellis basically asked what they wanted him to do about it, he wasn’t there, he didn’t know what was going on, he didn’t drug anyone, and there was nothing he could do. Josh says that he didn’t ask Ellis to do anything, he was merely asking if Ellis would talk to his girlfriend and maybe tell her what she should do. The paramedics were called and the guy who they thought had gotten drugged was still awake, responding, and generally just sick. In-studio roofie experts Dingo and Christian Hand both said they know people who have been roofied before and the guy showed none of those symptoms. Dingo also claimed that there is a rash of roofie slipping go around Las Vegas lately, but mainly as a tool to rob people. The EllisFam member in question was seen on security footage purchasing and giving drinks to Rawdog and his girlfriend, but was never seen doing anything to the drinks. Christian and Will did all but vouch for this EllisFam member as they have hung out with them on many different occasions and have talked to him extensively at this and previous EllisManias. The EllisFam member was distraught that they were being accused and felt horrible about the incident, and later had talked to Christian after being exonerated by security. The overall consensus in the studio is that this EllisFam member did not poison anyone and that the guy Josh & his girlfriend believe was drugged did not get roofied, maybe they were given something else, or were just super-hyper drunk or something, but it wasn’t roofies and it wasn’t the person who they accused. Josh’s girlfriend said on Twitter that it wasn’t that they wanted Ellis to do anything but show some concern, and so she and Josh think Ellis should call and apologize to his girlfriend. Ellis says there’s nothing for him to apologize for, Will, Tully, Dingo, and Christian seem to agree. Ellis says he still loves Josh, he’s not going to fire him or anything like that, he feels this is more about Josh’s girlfriend instead of Josh, he understands that Josh is put into a position, he knows this and radio is hard for Josh, he does not want anyone giving Josh any kind of shit over this, and says that it will all work out one way or another. And there you have it, that was the story that was told to the listeners. While you’re free to make your own judgments, why would you? It doesn’t involve you (most likely) and you only know what has been told to you on the radio. These things have a way of working out on their own, one way or another.

What? You want more drama? Well good news for you then, there was no shortage of drama. Here’s the next scandalous story to come out of EllisMania 9. Word on the street is that Gabe punched a fan at Body English later Saturday night after his fight with Ellis. Ellis was on his way to meet Gabe for a congratulatory drink and when he gets there, the drama is already in full swing and people are telling him that Gabe has punched one of the fans. The security guard told Ellis that he had been standing there the whole time and that Gabe didn’t “do shit”, but several fans came to say otherwise. So for Ellis, it was another situation that everyone wanted him to do something that he knows nothing about, that may or may not have happened (conflicting stories when he first arrives), even though it had nothing to do with him. Ellis is once again asked to do something on behalf of somebody without having any prior knowledge of, other than what a few people are telling him and he knows everyone has been drinking. Other than that, he’s clueless as to what has transpired because he wasn’t there. Ellis feels like people are mad at him for not doing something about something he has no idea about. Ellis isn’t security, but he wants everything to go smoothly and wants everyone to have a good time. He doesn’t know what to do, nobody would. If you ask a security person, they would just remove everyone involved, wipe their hands clear of the ordeal, and let the police deal with it. The guy that allegedly got punched Johnathan (@puttyman5000?) called into the show to explain his side of the story. He says his wife (@AmeralReid) was wanting to take a photo with Gabe and that out of the blue, Gabe shoved her aside and then punched him. He said he didn’t hear exactly what was said between his wife and Gabe because it was loud and suddenly he ate a knuckle sandwich. Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard asked if he or his wife had a previous conversation with Gabe, he said no, he was completely sober. So basically, he’s saying Gabe, just out of the blue, shoved his wife and punched him for absolutely no apparent reason. Security asked if they wanted to push the issue, get the police involved, etc. and he declined because he didn’t want it to go there. Ellis apologized and he’s not completely dismissing the caller’s claims because there were at least two other people who were completely sober that told Ellis that Gabe did in fact punch this guy. The caller swears that he and his wife didn’t say a word to Gabe, other than asking for a picture, his words: “I don’t think so”, but the story floating around is that either him or his wife were starting to get a little fresh with Gabe. He then admits that there was indeed a previous conversation earlier in the night and mentioned Gabe saying something like “that guy was smirking at me” and I guess that is what they are saying “might” have been the motivating factor in Gabe punching him? I don’t know. I wasn’t there, so I’m just going by what the caller said. Whether the fan was “smirking” at Gabe doesn’t matter, that doesn’t warrant someone punching you, everyone agrees with that. As the guys tried to dig a little deeper to clear things up, the story just got murkier and murkier and it appears that the two main stories going around both conflict each other. Without knowing exactly what went down, again, Ellis apologized to the caller, was glad he wasn’t hurt, and thanked him for coming. Then, the wife of the caller, called in to tell her side of the story! She said that everyone was messing with Gabe on Twitter (pre-fight trash talk I assume) and that she participated but didn’t say anything inappropriate, was “just joking around, and thought it was all in good fun” and that when she got back to her room after the fight meeting, Gabe had tweeted her back to say, “I saw you there but you didn’t have anything to say to my face.” (7:39 PM October 12, 2013) Not exactly what he said, but close enough. So she claims she said “it’s cool, no problem, good luck, have fun tonight” (7:52 PM October 12, 2013) which isn’t exactly what she said, but again, close enough. So far, it appears that she meant no ill will and from what one can tell from tweets alone, everything seemed pretty cordial so far. As far as the Twitter world knows anyway. i’m not weighing in on one side or the other, I’m just trying to relay what has been said and what has been claimed was said. She then says she went up to Gabe and asked for a photo and that Gabe was just like “fuck you, you talk shit about me”, etc. Then she says the reason why Gabe had punched her husband was because he said “that guy right there, that guy hates me.” (Gabe talking to her about her husband) She says, “What? That guy wasn’t even talking to you.” She says Gabe responds, “Why is that guy glaring at me know?” She says, “You know what Gabe, never mind now, it’s cool, like, I don’t want a photo with you.” And that’s when she turned around and Gabe pushed her and punched her husband. She says her husband has a bruise on his cheek and a fat lip to prove it, and she thinks Gabe has to say he didn’t do anything (eluding to legality and professional issues) and that security people told her that she had attacked Gabe and that if they pressed charges against Gabe, Gabe would press charges against her and her husband, and everyone was going to jail. So that’s when she said her and her husband walked away, left on their own, decided to “go to the Circle Bar because they didn’t want to cause any problems or to be the people that bring the drama,” so they left and she says Gabe continued to talk shit on Twitter about her. If you want to see more of the back and forth, start where they left off. She called Gabe a piece of shit, he asks what she’s talking about, is it because he didn’t take a picture with her, she says fuck off, you hit my husband and are a liar, he says no you are, says lets talk in person, she says they didn’t get kicked out, yada, yada, yada. Again, I don’t know what went down and I’m not involving myself in it. I don’t know who is in the wrong or the right. I wasn’t there. Just telling you what was said and what was on Twitter. And then the bell rang and we were out of school and went home to have a snack and watch cartoons. The end.

Did Wilson have a date on Saturday? Turns out, he went to the fight with Erika Ashley (@Erika_Ash). She might not know it was a date. But it totally was. In Will’s mind. Erika didn’t have a ticket, he had an extra ticket, so… you know. Once Will realized he wasn’t getting any of that Erika, he also paid for a ticket for Tim Sabean. Tim might not know it was a date, but it totally was. In Will’s mind. Will didn’t get any of the Tim either, and I guess nobody else could be bought with tickets, so… HAHAA The guys kept jabbing at Will and his “date” with Erika until he ran out of the studio, it was hilarious. Then Ellis talked about his fight was Gabe and how well Gabe did. He also mentioned how he got angry at one point during the fight, dropped his hands and charged after Gabe and kind of got caught. He was getting gassed so he used his rage to muster up enough energy to keep go after Gabe, missing some upper cuts, chased him and caught him twice and put him down. Ellis knew the punches just skimmed Gabe, so he wasn’t very happy about how he performed, but then again he didn’t lose, he’s a better fighter, and everyone had a lot of fun – so he’s not beating himself up over it.

The Vatican commissioned over 6,000 medals to be made and turns out they misspelled Jesus’ name. Whoopsy. Sorry Lesus! There was kangaroo MMA, proving that MMA really is the fastest growing sport in the world. But who gives a shit. Lets move on.

Let’s talk about the Leprechaun or Pinata fight, where there was no pot of gold, no costumes, and no pinata, but there was a Grant Cobb. And to help with the conversation, Christian Hand came into the studio. Kit Cope and Mike Jasper were to fight off 4 different people, to fend them off the pot of gold, or in this case, Grant Cobb. Kit is just beating people up, Kenji jumped in to help swing Jasper and Kit into all the opponents who were easily making their way to Grant and beating him up. As Kenji swung Kit around, Kit was throwing a punch and WHAM-O! Right in Jasper’s face! As you can see in the picture, Jasper’s eyes are shut and he’s falling into the abyss. Jasper got his bell rung hard and hit the canvas, knocked out. Mind you, Jasper has never been knocked out in his career, his very first time getting knocked out was by his team mate at EllisMania 9. Kit goes to pick up Jasper and the opponents are all over Grant. Once Jasper gets up and says he’s okay, the fight resumes and Jasper starts kicking the shit out of everyone, Ellis is yelling for Jasper to stop but Jasper is in kill mode and didn’t hear shit, he was busing chasing people down and kicking the shit out of them. Ellis yells for Kit to tackle his team mate, Jasper, to get him to calm down before Jasper murder’s everyone in the ring. It was fucking amazing! God damn, I’m tired just writing a paragraph about it.

The people’s champ, @cogdeth.won the Musical Chair Fight with authority. Ellis kept calling him @bitPimps and everyone on Twitter had a good laugh while I tried fervently to clear cogdeth’s good name. The guys noticed he had bulked up and was throwing some hard shots. They were also amused to find out that he didn’t change out of his costume after the fights and was out partying in the Circle Bar, still in his sexy get up. The Prison Fight had it’s debut at EllisMania 9, two guys dressed as prisoners, with their hands duct taped together swinging 1 giant hammer fist at each other. @J_Chapel was easily twice the size of his opponent and had gotten slightly overzealous and pulled an accidental illegal punch. That brought in Kenji Gallo, aka MMA Elvis, (@KenjiOC) who gave him a swift kick right in the dick. The Hot Chick Fight was pretty funny as Shantanee (@Shanwize1) kept knocking herself out basically because she would spin around so fast it made her dizzy enough to fall over during each round. Alicia Leii (@AliciaLeii) was super fit as always, almost giving her an unfair advantage because she’s just too good, and.@shandategart was a force to be reconed with as well and ended up winning The Hot Chick Fight. Perry, the dude that has built 2 dick punch machines now, won his fight. I’m way too tired to even go through this one. It was cool, just trust me. Sorry for not getting to the opponents and their names and links to their Twitters. Give me a fuckin’ break, would ya? PLG won his fight against Elliot Sloan. Even though PLG had a fucking asthma attack, Elliot wanted to stop, but Dave (Sluggo’s brother) was not going to let Elliot give up. He yelled at him like a pimp demanding results from a whore that owed him money. It was fantastic. Rawdog got nicknamed “The Golden Camel Toe” because of is costume, he looked fucking awesome. He fought his heart out, at one point his leg was twitching while he was trying to get up from being knocked down by several body punches. You could see his body was telling him to quit, but the fire in his eyes was telling him to go for it. He was god damned champion and fuck you if you try to take that away from him. It was his best EllisMania performance yet and it wasn’t against a girl. He was sore and actually bummed out a bit because he really tried his best and he gave Nick a run for his money, even though Nick was built like a Cinnabon.

During the wait for Ellis to fight Gabe, Dingo, Kit, and TJ Lavin had to kill some time so they opted for an impromptu “Get the cock off your chest” segment. This is where Kit and Dingo really shined. Some guy (Mike?) had one hell of a story about fucking his very first “African American” girl, completely drunk off his ass, with little to no sleep, he even laid down in the fucking ring while the other fans that came up tried to top his story, but to no avail. And in the end, in his stupor, mentioned the chicks name, “Chocolatey” and how there may have allegedly been cocaine involved. It was a crack up / embarrassing. Ellis woke up to find that copious amounts of cigarettes and cocaine had been done in his hotel room and he probably would’ve been more upset about the ciggies if he knew any of that was going down. But he didn’t. So he’s not. Katie found a fucking note in their room to some “Lou” dude that talked about a fucking gun raid on the Palomino Strip Club and it sounded like it was straight out of the movies. This gave Tully an idea for the name for EllisMania 10: Alcohol Tabacco & Firearms. Which sounds legit as all fuck. Tully and Katie did their Onnit challenges and the people on the floor below the studio have to absolutely love it, because their jobs probably suck ass. Ellis got called out about not doing his 40 donut challenge and after have 2 hamburgers from dayum Five Guys Burgers & Fries, the intern was sent out to get 41 donuts. 40 for Ellis and 1 for Dingo. After clearing 9 donuts, Ellis was in panic mode to complete 10 before the show ended and went for it. Then he proceeded to puke it all back up during final calls, it is unclear what made him barf, final calls or a finger down his throat. And with that. I’m calling this bitch done. No fucking jokes, no tada, no nothing. Sorry if you’re disappointed. I did the best I could do. There’s only so many hours in a day and currently, my life is busier than whore with a one armed man in a fucking contest on dollar day with a mule. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, fuck it. But also, fuck. You don’t know me. You don’t know my pain. Of time. #Barf

TL;DR
The “Too Long; Didn’t Read” version for you lazy I mean people who are too busy or have attended Derek Zoolander’s Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too:

  • First, fuck you. I took amazingly pain-staking efforts to relay to you what exactly was said without putting in any type of opinion what-so-ever. That’s fucking hard to do. I had to listen closer than most of you do and type even closer. Don’t believe me? You try it sometime.
  • Second. Holy shit. The drama parts? I paid extra close attention to because I wasn’t there, I don’t know what happened, I’m no judge, I’m no jury, and therefore I’m not able to offer any kind of opinion on. So eat shit if you think I did a bad job.
  • Most people who were at EllisMania 9 are still feeling the effects.
  • Overall, EllisMania 9 was a huge success and an even bigger hit.
  • The fans, for the most part were awesome and helped make it a great time.
  • Wilson wants an EllisFam lanyard.
  • Everyone thought the Death! Death! Die! concert was kick ass.
  • The entire band made mistakes, but it was fine, and the fans that got to sing did a great job.
  • Josh and Ellis are temporarily not friends at the moment.
  • Someone might have potentially / allegedly gotten drugged, or maybe they were just drunk.
  • Gabe Ruediger might have allegedly punched a fan, for no reason or maybe for a reason. It’s a “he said, she said” situation.
  • Wilson had a date or two and allegedly wanted to get blown or blow someone.
  • @cogdeth won his fight and was the peoples’ champ.
  • Ellis kept calling @cogdeth by my name, @bitPimps, and it was hilarious. Especially since Ellis also thinks / thought my name is / was Tim. (running joke now)
  • Kit Cope accidentally knocked out his team mate, Mike Jasper, and it was funny.
  • Kenji Gallo kicked @J_Chapel in the dick pretty hard and it was funny too.
  • Nick Swardson came out to the sweetest music and won his fight against Rawdog.
  • Rawdog did the best he’s ever done and was coined “The Golden Camel Toe” because of his costume.
  • Katie made out with some chicks.
  • Ellis’ hotel room was covered in cigarette smoke and cocaine and he and Dingo have a pretty good idea who was “riding the rails” (because bumps don’t really count)
  • Tully and Katie resumed their Onnit challenge.
  • People reminded Ellis he didn’t do the 40 donut challenge after Saturday, so on top of eating 2 fucking burgers from Five Guys, he ate donuts until final calls and then barfed all that shit up.
  • I hate you all for keeping me up so late writing all this fucking shit that nobody is reading.
  • But I also fucking love you all for reading this fucking shit that at least a few of you are reading.
  • I think I need to poop, or maybe my stomach just hurts because I’m working 3 hours of sleep and cigarettes.
  • How do I make bullet points end? Oh yeah. I remember now.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 9/30/2013

was_that_you

bitPimps, did you just fart?

Who farted? (T-SHIRT!) No. Seriously. What the fuck is that smell? Wait. That’s me. False alarm. It’s a great day to be in America, because you can fuck yourself. Or something like that. Houston, we’re still having mic troubles. You hear me AD in Houston? Wilson is trying to fix the compression on the mics or some shit, in the meantime, Ellis & Dingo did Radio Instagram, Rawdog is shouting out his peeps (more on that later), and Tully is shouting out some dude because his sister asked if they give shout outs on the show. So shout out to Rawdog and Tully for shouting out to their peeps, which I assume is us. I asked Rawdog to shout out the Devil, since his “peeps” allegedly killed Jesus, but he never did – which is pretty much an admission of guilt. Wilson got the mics working, right about the time Ellis accidentally KO’d his laptop and Dingo had to talk him down from spiking the laptop like a football. Ellis wasn’t on the show Friday because his dick was pissing blood again, then he got sick, and now he’s on antibiotics. Remember, when you think you’re having a bad day, ask yourself if you’re pissing blood, getting knocked out, sick from the flu, and toting around a broken laptop.

yolo_jesus

Little did J-dog know, YOLO was about to be taken seriously.

Ellis can’t find people to spar him, except really big black dudes that knock him silly or make him piss blood. Tully started going to the gym and now he has athlete’s foot. Ellis don’t give a shit if he does or not. Ellis pretty much knows Jason Momoa now, from the gym. Tully heard an interview with Peter Berg over the weekend, but let’s face it, he’s no Garry Shandling. So back to Rawdog and his “peeps.” You know Rawdog get’s all “oh, my people have been oppressed for centuries” preachy? Well somebody (me, I am somebody!) sent in an article that says there is absolutely no archaeological evidence that Jews were ever really slaves in Egypt. Matter of fact, they never even left Israel – it’s looking like some pure bullshit story, made up by liars. LIARS I TELL YOU! This news has be as disappointing to Rawdog as Anne Frank fans when she never wrote a sequel to her best seller. OH! Tully thinks he has the right to be just as upset with slavery as any Jewish or Black person because his great-grandfather was an Irish indentured servant back in the day. I have to admit, his argument has legs. Would George Clooney stand in a ring and beat himself unconscious for a billion dollars, which he then donates to charity? Now that your mind has been blown, let’s get those balls / ovaries of yours tingling with some EllisMania 9 news. There might be a new fight between Pierre-Luc Gagnon (PLG) and Elliot Sloan, mano a mano, skateboard to skateboard, hand to hand, etc. Now that Red Dragons are helping to sponsor EllisMania 9, Madchild is now confirmed to be opening up for Death! Death! Die! Feeling those tingles yet?

soviet_plane_spotters

Take your job seriously, like I do these recaps. OH?

Ever had a sunburn on your dick? Ellis and Tully have. They also know about “lollies” and “fags”, which was candy in Australia. Speaking of candy, Ellis has taught Tiger how to ollie and now he’s rolling along doing ollies and shit. Devon is starting to do super straight wheelies and tic-tacs and showing more interest in skating. Sibling rivalry can be a great motivator, according to Rawdog, who said he pretty much was the king of his household between his siblings. Speaking fights, candy, and kings, Rawdog has been working out with his kettle bells in preparation for his fight with Nick Swardson. This brought us to a short training session where he hit pads with Ellis. Dingo was nice enough to shoot a little video of it so he could send it to Nick, so he knows what kind of beating he should be expecting. Of course, none of this intimidated Nick as he responded with “I’m going to rape his ass mouth” which sounds pretty serious somehow. Then there was a 3 minute punch pad session with Wilson to test his gassiness. During this session, Ellis was showing Rawdog how to throw his hips into his punches, which ended up being Rawdog twerking it right in front of Ellis’ package. The phones are still all fuckered up in the new studio, which makes sense because the mics are all fuckered up too. Remember? I already told you about that earlier, you might have short term memory loss. I knew a guy who had short term memory loss once, I forgot what happened to him though.

ass_revenge

This ain’t your daddies revenge porn. Wait. Yes it is.

There is a legal movement underway in California to limit so-called “revenge porn” where people humiliate their ex-whatevers by posting explicit photos and video online. If you remember, Ellis got revenge porn’d when that chick he dated posted a picture of his wiener online. You know how you don’t fall victim to revenge porn? You don’t send pictures of yourself naked to other people. But you know you wanna keep doing that shit. And you know that’s the business model behind Snapchat, so I look forward to seeing your explicit photos and videos. This led into a massive discussion about the legalities, uses by people & businesses to research you or your background, Ellis’ dick online, etc. Sean Penn is allegedly all roided out nowadays. Did you know 47% of Australians are functionally illiterate? I’m not sure you should be surprised by that considering Dingo and Ellis. This led us into a spelling bee game between Ellis and Dingo. As you can imagine, it was a chore for each just to get to a 2-2 tie, I’m not sure what the end result was because I was busy burning the words “feral bitch” into my vocabulary. Wanna know what shameful thing your state is famous for? Oh, I almost forgot. Jimmy Barnes is the Bruce Springsteen of Australia, and his song “Working Class Man” was featured in the timeless classic movie “Gung Ho.” I don’t know much about Jimmy Barnes, but I can tell you this, he’s a top bloke. In Australia. For deaf people. And people still living the 1980’s dream.

oh_boy

It’s joke time, kiddos!

And before I go, I’ve always wanted to tell this joke to Wilson, because he loves Pink Floyd and death. How are Pink Floyd and Princess Diana similar? Both of their last big hits were the wall. And I always wanted to tell this joke to Rawdog, because, well… you know he’s been intimate with horse anatomy before. I used to be in to S & M, bestiality, and necrophilia, but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse. And I always wanted to tell this joke to Tully, because he’s Oxford educated and therefore knows what this test is. What did the black man get on his SAT? Barbecue sauce. And I always wanted to tell this joke to Ellis, because we both hate Yoko. What is yellow and lives off of dead Beatles? Yoko Ono. And finally, I always wanted to you guys this joke because it’s true. What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 9/16/2013

cyanide_wrecking_ball

Frank’s dream is to re-make Miley’s Wrecking Ball video.

It’s Monday, and you know what that means! Time to wipe the shit off your lower lip and act like an adult in front your peers. It’s also time to pretend all those things you did on the weekend never actually happened. Wilson is still traveling that stinky shithole we all couldn’t wait to leave, going to Pink Floyd concerts, and getting terrible haircuts. Dingo is here though, he also left a stinky shithole, but he has lovely locks. Frank DeCaro came on the show right from the start, he has no hair, and I don’t think he has any plans to leave his husband’s stinky shithole. HEYOH! Frank has lost a child. In weight, not an actual child. He also went to Alaska and walked and stuff because he’s feeling more energized after dropping 30 pounds of homogenized fat. Ellis told Frank he’d send a boner picture to him if he lost another 30 pounds, Frank upped the bet by saying 40 pounds if there’s a tiny dribble of pre-cum on tip. I felt dirty and used just typing that. Dingo’s footsie coach in school said if you laid back and couldn’t see your pubes, you were overweight. This led the guys to think Dingo’s coach should likely be in jail, but he’s not. He’s still out there talking about pubes to young boys and his scientific method of measuring if you’re overweight or not. Speaking of pubes, Frank asked if Ellis had grown back his red pubes yet, Dingo quickly answered for Ellis – so what today must have been spa day for the two.

rawdog_astronaut

Rawdog at space camp.

Ellis is not a whale, but if he was a whale, he’d appreciate it if you didn’t steal his children from him. He also talked to Slash this morning and might have convinced him to come on the show again. Rawdog went to another hockey game with his girlfriend and they left about halfway through to meet up with his dad who was there covering the Emmy’s or some shit. Dingo made it sound like he was there watching them fuck in the crowd, but no. It was nothing like that. Everyone except Dingo thought the Mayweather vs Alvaraz fight sucked and El Diablo Blanco lost that fight, so who cares about the fight or what celebrities attended it. There was a shitload of talk about Justin Bieber because he was at the fight, but I completely blanked, I’m Bieber’d out. People died today after at least 1 gunman shot 11 other people at the Washington Navy Yard. There could be another gunman at large, deets are sketch, yo. So yeah, that sucks. Crazy shithouse people and their crazy asshole ways make for a crazy fuckhole of a world for the rest of us. Dingo has the Swiss Franc symbol tattooed on his arm for no apparent good reason other than his friend did it. Tully’s wife it totally dude friendly, they spent the weekend watching The Expendables 2, watching the Mayweather fight, and watching the Packer’s game – all of which was her idea. Apparently there’s a news story going around about Donald Schultz being charged with allegedly & illegally selling lizards.

bieber_xzibit_shit_on_ipod

Too much Bieber gives me a headache.

A little bit of dream talk. Dingo has dreamed a lot about having his teeth fall out and apparently that’s a pretty common dream, along with punching or running in slow motion in your dreams. Rawdog has dreamed a lot about falling and he wakes up just before he hits, like most children have dreamed. Tully recently dreamed about Justin Bieber and how they were old friends and they just wanted to get away from the crowds and go get a drink together, which should tell you something about Tully and scare the fuck out of you. And Ellis recently dreamed about his dad’s pale, dead body being wrapped in a sheet and in bed next to him. This lead into another fucking round of Justin Bieber talk. What. The. Fuck. I zoned out again because fuck that kid for being the topic of discussion not only once, but twice in an hour and half on the show I love. Thankfully the show went into break and stopped the Bieber shit.

psa_get_that_money

A PSA should you have a need to collect your $1 million you won from a dice game.

We came from break with Hollywood news and I shit you not. And if I hear anything about Bieber, I’m going to make you all pay by scraping the recap and talking only about the potential presence of ancient aliens and Stonehenge. Some dude at a Beyoncé show pulled her off stage and into the crowd, she didn’t even give a rats ass. Ellis thinks Beyoncé is the greatest performer alive, Rawdog thinks Kanye is, and Dingo flipped the fuck out over the Beyoncé stance as he thinks Lady Gaga is the best, and Tully had to preemptively hush Dingo after he tried to hush him. So who is the greatest entertainer? I don’t fuckin’ know man, what the hell kind of loaded question is that? Carlos Santana crashed into a parked car in Las Vegas and he wasn’t even drunk, so it must have been a black magic woman. Hulk Hogan was in an accident, on a boat, and he had a boo-boo with some blood. Jaden Smith went on an anti-education tirade on Twitter, and clearly his 15-year-old ass smarter than everyone else’s so Stephen Hawking can suck it, man. P Diddy lost 1 million green backs to Rick Ross in a game of dice and he don’t give a shit about it, so suck his dick, bitch. Some chick born in America and is of Indian descent (dot, not feather) chick won the Miss America title and people are getting their white people underwear in a knot about it because they’re racist as fuck. Also, don’t read anything into that “dot, not feather” thing above, that was meant as a joke – you honky-ass cracker. HEYOH!

scary_kids_clown

Kids? Sure! Love ’em! Taste great & less filling!

Rawdog is starting to make some changes to get in shape for his fight with Nick Swardson. What has he been doing to train? Lifting kettle bells again, cutting out a nugget or two from his diet, and forcing a green drink down every so often. Ellis has been provoking both Nick and Rawdog, so now Nick is looking to have Rampage or David Spade corner for him at EllisMania 9. This brought us to only second break in three hours because there’s too much show! This also brought me to mere minutes away from my gloriously shitty drive home in traffic, look at me go! No where. Insanely slow. Coming back, we had some clown news. First up, there are photos of a dude in Northampton freaking out people with his creepy clown behavior and nobody knows what the fuck is up his clown antics. Next up, you can hire a creepy clown to stalk and terrorize your children by sending them threatening texts and shit, what could possibly go wrong? And lastly, apparently the classic clown was a parody of the stereotypical Irish immigrants with big red noses and shitty clothes. Take that, ya drunken lushes! Only 3 breaks were taken today, showing that there sometimes truly is too much show and also showing how good the guys are. That’s a lot of radio without a break and isn’t easy to do. So shout out to the fellas for being sick cunts! I tried to call in as Jesus, stoked because he was the 47th caller. It turned out like shit, my phone kept cutting out, people couldn’t hear me and I couldn’t hear them. So sorry about that! But as The Lord, I’ma let you in on a little secret… How do I know the apostles were Mexican? There were twelve and they all traveled around in one accord. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Friday 9/13/2013

I came in a little late and Ellis was talking about rubber on fire and smoking in the yard burning kids and the only thing I could think was, “I didn’t think he wore condoms.” And then I realized that he’s talking about doing burnouts. If you are doing burnouts or having sex you have to stop when the cops show up. You gotta respect the police for putting up with your stupid ass. El Diablo Blanco is fighting this weekend, that’s The White Devil for all you people not fluent in Messican. Some how talking about the Devil Blanco Ellis shat photo (9)out this pearl of wisdom, “When you get to the top you’re competing with natural ability.” Which pretty much means that you already beat out all the people without the dedication and drive as you and are on a level playing field of learned skill. Just like Deathbone McGee on the mega ramp. I’m not sure what that means but I just wanted to write Deathbone McGee. Ellis got five pairs of Metallica tickets to give away, NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry. Ellis sang his song last night called My Blood. The main lyric is “My blood is out to get me” and he said it’s a dark metal song about, well, his blood i guess. What do you expect, I haven’t heard it yet, get off my back! Ellis had Katie sing it too so we will eagerly wait for that EP to come out.

A black man in Union Square yelled I’m gonna punch the next white man I see, and he did. Then the guy hit his head on the sidewalk and went into a coma and died. Ellis recalled the night coming out of nightclub when some fucking asshole punched him square in the pace while he has his arms around two ladies. The same thing happened to another dude the next nite but the dude died and that could have been big daddy Jace cakes and then this recap would make no sense at all. He remembered that when he was a kid fights were scary and ugly so he never really wanted to be in a street fight which is a good idea because it’s stupid and you never know, you might die. On a lighter note they played, You Sir Are A Moron, they talked about Astrological signs, ghosts, going to space, being a hitman, fucking Larry King and dying with Joan Rivers bloated skeleton in your bed every week.

196_29735630096_7290_aRoger Black, aka Yucko The Clown, came in talked about his new show Brickelberry about park rangers and people and trees and a talking bear and bestiality. Sounds like everything a cartoon about a sadistic bear cub can ever be. He also talked a little about being on Howard and being a part of the Wack Pack and some other shit about this one cunt who played him to get herself famous and broke his heart and is hopefully currently in a pit of snakes that have herpes and syphilis. Yukko also said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” Anderson Silva did an interview about his front kick the he has been doing since his days as a wee youngster and how Steven Seagal is full of shit.

There were more fight submissions for Ellismania 9 and if you want to participate, send your submissions to radiofightclub@siriusxm.com or fightclub@siriusxm.com or something, I don;t really know, I just pretend to know. Apparently the monkey cats that shit out the monkey cat shit coffee are kept in bad conditions. So if you are an animal lover that loves monkey shit coffee you are really bummed right now. A video of a store owner that

mmmm, who wants a warm cup?

mmmm, who wants a warm cup?

knocked out a robber with baseball bat was played today, so I found it for you too because I’m nice and shit. Fredericos is giving away free burritos on Monday now E.coli free! To be honest I was really stoked about this but then I found out that it’s only at the location that was serving the “shitting blood special” and not the one by me. I love me some free burritos. The Titanic Heritage Crusty Dusty Box Committee is mad at Redbull because they made a commercial that if the people that were on the Titanic had Redbull they would have been able to grow wings and fly to safety. This is bullshit, all that would have happened is the band that stayed on the boat would have played something more awesome like the Mexican Hat Dance or Breadfan. Also the Titanic committee said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” If Josh gets knocked out and jacked off by Nick Swardson after his fight, he’ll let Ellis put it on YouTube. I don’t know if Nick will knock out the bush baby but I do know that if you want to see someone jack off unconscious dudes you can go to YerMum@YouTube.com, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 9/9/2013

jcpenney

Said nobody ever, except Dingo.

Welcome to another Monday, another Monday in the Swinghouse studios. Waddup with that, you ask? Well, it’s not ready yet. Hopefully it’s the last show in the old shit kitchen. Dingo’s here today and he don’t know shit about the new shit, new boss shit, and shit. Dingo and Ellis may go to the spa together, but they don’t take showers together, at least at the spa – because that’d be awkward. What exactly does Dingo do? He markets himself and markets shit, endorses himself and endorses shit, he talks about shit, and just does shit and stuff. He also seems to know way too much about JCPenney, I don’t know why or how, but there ya go – JCPenney connoisseur, Dingo! This of course leads us into shelf space and shoe technology, which you guessed it, Dingo straight up fucking rules that shit and schooled us on why action sports apparel is saturated by big brands like Nike, and of course, shit. Bellator 98 was this past weekend and the big news from that was, Perry “Filthy” Filkins grabbed his nipples several times. That’s a power intimidation move if I’ve ever heard of one.

dj_bruce_lee

EM9 special guest DJ, Bruce Lee. But not really. He’s dead.

EllisMania 9 is selling like hotcakes, faster than any EllisMania before. This sparked up talk about for sure going for an EllisMania 10. So now there’s more room deals (50 more rooms for 50% off) and shit, and someone or maybe multiple someones will be winning a room and some other shit. Speaking of EllisMania 9, Ellis has pretty much worked out all the fights for the event, so that’s pretty much in the bag, for the most part. Except for a fight or two, and shit. Is Nick Swardson training for his fight with Rawdog? Ellis called to find out and sure as shit, he is. And by training, I mean staying out late, sleeping in, drinking, and doing blow. There’s talk about the winners of EllisMania 9 getting a pimp cup and Dingo getting a golden straw. Not for cocaine, but so he can go up to the winners and steal a swig or two from their pimp cup. In an odd sort of way, Rawdog is the highlight of EllisMania and people are expecting to see him give his best performance, otherwise the entire world is going to stone him to death with used wet wipes. Dingo’s cheese officially slid off his cracker, he thought Tully participated in a fight at EllisMania that never happened. He also thought this was EllisMania 10, not 9, even though it’s been talked about several times today alone. Bad news for Wolfwipes, not everyone is down with using wipes on their balloon knot. Washington DC utility officials say wet wipes have caused a 35% increase in broken shit pumps. But good news for Wolfwipes if they come with a diaper genie.

that_kid_is_like_six

Jesus, Jesus!

In the state of Iowa, if you are legally blind, you are now able to carry a fucking gun like the blind-ass motherfucker you are. Even Stevie Wonder was like, seriously? That’s insane. It’s okay, it’s not like blind people are reading this anyway. Could you imagine for a screen reader to get done blabbing all the previous shit? Not happening. Wilson came in with Ellis Jeopardy for the guys to play. Last time they played, Tully won but they gave it to somebody else because Tully always wins. And who won today’s episode of Ellis Jeopardy? It should come as no surprise, Michael Tully! Some We met a new intern today, Lynette (sp?) and she’s a poor, pretty white girl. Like Dingo, she don’t know shit about the show, wrestling, or shit – but she does know about Bean as she interned for that turd before – and shit. Like all women, she loves Dingo’s luscious locks and Josh is not allowed to fall in love with her. Sounds like she’s got the chops, kid. One day, she’s gonna be a STAR! In porn. Online. For NYA. OH! Just kidding Lynette. What am I saying? You’re not reading this. Hey, did you hear some old artist got the shit beat out of him over his art? What was his art you ask? A fake gun. With penis bullets. But it shot blanks. In your face. Are you catching any of this? Cuz I’m laying it on pretty fucking thick here. Why did God create yeast infections? So women would also know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt. Wait. I’m sorry about that. I don’t want to end this re-cap with that. Give me another chance. Come on baby, you can trust me! Do you wanna know how you kill fifty flies at once? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a shovel. Sorry Ethiopians. HEYOH!