Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/13/2013

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No really, did you miss me? Is Dom dumb? Think you got a shot with Katie?

OMG! I missed you guise! Did you miss me? I missed you lots. No, I missed you more. Aww. Did you know that the average person knows somebody that knows Ellis – really, clinical research from the the Dummy Dom Institute of Completely Wrong Facts says so. That makes everyone 2 degrees seperated from Ellis, therefore beating out Kevin Bacon and his measly 6 degrees. Dingo was born to meet the Bacon, and that’s just one of the many things that make him a sick cunt. The brought Chad Reed out of the woodwork to make a ledge of a tweet about Dingo & Ellis. Ellis went to see his pal Jake Ellenberger fight with some chick he knows from Twitter, and he thinks he might have mistaken her for someone else. Get out your tissues, either for tears or to clean up your jizz pile, Ellis & Katie are no longer going out, they’re friends and such, but they’re not exclusively fucking other people with each other. Or however you wanna put it. It took all of 60 seconds for Dom to put a call on hold where the caller wanted to ask why they broke up, and as you might expect, that call never got taken. DUH! Rawdog went to his 10 year high school reunion over the weekend, he did not get laid, get his dick sucked, or titty fucked. He went solo, the hot chicks were still hot and still didn’t really talk to him just like 10 years ago. Some chick did know that Josh was in radio however, he asked her how she knew and turns out she’s friends with Dingo’s girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend. I can’t keep track of everyone’s goddamned love life, for fuck sakes! Anyway, he basically just had a single conversation on repeat, “I’m a co-host on radio now and still live in LA.” Oh, and also, TJES will be on staycation all next week, so plan your life accordingly!

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Ryan Gosling is so upset, he won’t eat his cereal.

In “you’re on the wrong fuckin turf, buddy” some dude in Africa went running after an elephant and got trampled, and in other elephant trampling news, a poacher got trampled to death by the elephant he was trying to shoot. This provided a perfect segway into Hollywood news! Jessica Simpson (elephant) is mad at Nick Lachey (poacher) for saying that he doesn’t have to play grab-ass under the table during Thanksgiving with Joe Simpson (elephant’s father) – referring to rumors about Joe being gay. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West rumor mill is abuzz with something or another about him not being part of the family as much as he should, and didn’t open a fucking door for her once, yada, yada, yada. SNL cast member Seth Meyers will be taking over Jimmy Fallon’s spot on “Late Night” while Fallon looks like he’ll be taking over Jay Leno’s spot on the “Tonight Show” and  nobody gives a shit because only old people watch that shit. Disney’s in trouble for trying to trademark a fucking holiday, sweet baby Jesus, you gotta be a bigger douche than Apple to try and trademark a holiday. Vin Diesel says that because he said “Hi guys, I love you.” on Facebook, he made Facebook what it is – which is to say, I giant steaming pile of turd. Oh, and OJ Simpson is still in jail and it’s not looking like he’s going to be getting out anytime soon.

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Sex toys? Yea, she’s 5; 10″ and can lift your 140 pound ass in the air while sucking you off!

Fan of the show and Little Miss Ellis contestant, Perry, brought in 2 new machines today. A wheel of doom – a spinning wheel similar to old carnival games with interchangeable punishments for each slot. And, a dick punching machine that Ellis can push from his chair and it punches Rawdog in the dick, in his chair! Sounds like everyone is jazzed about it, except of course Rawdog and his balls. It’s now legal to smoke marijuana in Washington (the state) and bus drivers now use the “lost and found” method for people who forget their weed or pipes on their buses. I had to take a call and missed something, but I came back in as they were talking about while jerking off, you get to smell vagina. What. The. Fuck? Well, here’s a review of this horrible product. Then something about a pigtail butt plug, It’s in the shape of a curly fry, you know, for all you butt plug enthusiasts that have been wanting a coil spring from a fucking Buick in their ass. Then I got another phone call and still wasn’t exactly sure where this bit was heading. Oh, wait. Sounds like Tully is reading the “what other customer’s purchased” feature on Amazon. Anyway, another sexual toy related to the previous products was “the cone”, which is basically like a squished down traffic cone for your asshole stretching needs. Then there’s the “enema simulator”, which is basically a rubber ass that you can practice giving an enema to. So. Hot. In. Thurr. There’s an Obama dildo for all your executive decision sexual desires. And then the “solar powered vibrator” which is supposedly  great for camping! The “ohmibod” sex toy plugs into your iPhone and vibrates to the beat of the song you’re listening to and is a hipster’s wet dream. The “artificial hymen” is yet another sex toy, I assume it’s marketed towards pedophiles or similarly creepy motherfuckers that enjoy being bathed in blood while fucking. Now the creme de la creme of sex toys, the “area 51 love doll” where you bang out an alien. I want to believe! Then we have the “gates of hell male chastity device” that is like 5 rings for your cock and balls, it looks as stupid as it sounds. The “whodini” is a locking steel cock chastity that looks like an oversized faucet head from the Acme company in Looney Tunes cartoons. Anyway, you can read about most of these and more.

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I don’t have anything for this. Just look at it.

In generational insanity news, grandma, mom, toddler, & baby all walked down the streets completely naked of Charolette, North Carolina and caused a traffic jam. You know how Asian men can’t grow good facial hair? Well guess what? Now they can get mustache transplants that will make Tom Selleck get emotional! Apparently the Lord told them to do this. Then it was time for unsigned bands. That usually turns out worse than NMT so I didn’t bother taking notes on any of that. The guys did say that one or two of them weren’t that bad, and I don’t know if I agree with the ones they liked, but that sounds about right – one or two were alright. Oh, and one of the songs was called “EllisMate” and was by an ex-pro skater the Ellis actually knows. It was basically full of this guy dropping names of various people and Ellis related words as much as possible with a few fuck ups littered in. Rawdog got his ass chewed for multiple mispronunciations and generally fucking up the English language on a regular bases. Dingo got reprimanded for dropping the “cunt” word a little too much today, and Ellis got called on how much he wants to see chicks’ insides, but not in a weird way, only if they wanna show it to him. Oh, and we got another Ellisism gem today, “Don’t put your eggs in this fucking basket.” Wut? Anyway, we’ve all got our own little intricacies that make us who we are, and that’s cool. Like when I make jokes out of subjects that might be considered taboo, which I try not to do too much. Just not today. I’ll start tomorrow. Maybe. But you’ll never know because I’m not scheduled to re-cap tomorrow’s show, you’ll just have to trust me. What does a gay guy and a tumbleweed have in common? They blow and blow until they get stuck on a fence in Wyoming. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 12/4/2012

We’re just here for the strippers and midgets, bro!

Yo dude bro-bro dudes-bro! It’s Tuesbro, so let’s see what the bro’s have for us on today’s bro-show, you know, bro? I missed the first 20 bro-down minutes or so of the show, so I’m not sure what the topic was, but I came in right when Mayhem volunteered his mother to fight Rawdog. A blind man also called and offered to fight him as well. Not everyone can agree upon what is the cutest puppy, but one thing is for sure, Rawdog just might be the cutest puppy of them all. Deaf people definitely have deaf pride, all trying to rub their deafness in everyone’s faces, telling you they can feel sound vibrations and shit. But who would win in a war with deaf people versus blind people? What about midgets? Why aren’t midgets for sale yet? Some things in life just don’t make any sense. Lot’s of stripper talk today, their stripper tactics, their stripper games, and stripper etiquette.  Ellis popped Katie in the face today with some jabs while they were doing some boxing for a workout. She liked it and wanted more, biatch be cray, yo!

Steven Seagal teaches dudes how to wrestle, too!

Hollywood news time, Gary Busey’s bankruptcy case is now closed, but he still owes $450,000 to the IRS. Demi Moore’s banging some new young dude, and guess what? Tully knows him. Katt Williams is back in the news after leading cops on a chase, he stopped at Target and slapped the shit out of an employee. Katt seems to be out his gotdamn mind. Kim Kardashian is still in the middle east, but with what looks like herpes. Nick Lachey got into a fight with a San Diego Chargers fan, he was making fun of some other dudes shirt (tough guy stuff), this dude’s wife told him to eat shit or something, and then Nick-bro flipped out and got kicked out of the game. Frankie Muniz had a mini-stroke at the mini-age of 27, which would suck large-balls, so let’s hope his mini-ass gets back into better health. In the late 1980’s, Brad Pitt was caught with Mike Tyson’s wife, Robin Givens. Red Dragons! Tyson also revealed that he was high on cocaine while filming The Hangover. Randy Couture made a half joke that he would only come out of retirement to fight Steven Seagal, so Seagal said he’d fight him for free at some place where there are no witnesses. Hugh Hefner had some chick leave him at the isle just before their wedding, but now it’s back on. Yay for money!

Fuck your Christmas songs, you need a Slayer tree topper!

New Music Tuesday Christmas edition today, we got hear new hits from such awful acts as Cee-Lo, John Travolta & Olivia Newton John, August Burns Red, Backstreet Boys, Colbie Caillat, Thousand Foot Krutch, Rod Stewart, Tracey Thorn, Flatulenta, Blake Shelton, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and fucking finally Sufjan Stevens as the pick of the week. All of it was absolutely terrible and was hell on Earth for most of us. Breaking news, Sal Masekela is dead, no wait, X-Games are dead, no, that’s not right either, Sal & ESPN broke up, yes, that’s correct. He will no longer be hosting X-Games. I wonder if they’ll remain friends and send each other Christmas cards? This whole Sal & ESPN thing spawned a massive conversation about hosts and people who interview athletes at sporting events. Aussie news, crocodiles are getting their Christmas dinners in early, sounds like they’re eating children left and right, I don’t even think they served yams.

Wanna have lunch with Ellis, Rawdog, and Tully? Tough shit, motherfucker. Just kidding, you can go bid on your chance to win that life altering moment, and when you win, prepare to fingered with mind tongue. In cock news, George Takei said he jacks off to completion in the shower while thinking of Ellis. You might not want to donate your spermies to a lesbian couple unless you have some sort of legal document that states they can’t come back after your ass for some duckettes. What is the difference between your mom and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out. OH!