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Here it is, what you’ve been waiting all weekend for. It’s Monday, Monday, MONDAY! Live, from the planet earth, it’s The Jason Ellis Show Recap! Get it in ya! MONSTER RECAP MONDAAAAY! Alright, you sold on it yet? I’m sold on it. Do you say “effin” or “friggin” or “freakin” or some variation there-of for “fuckin”? I understand. Sometimes you gotta do it, but sometimes you gotta let that genie out of the bottle, too. Try it. Say it. I’ll wait for you. Somebody said something about Katie’s laugh on Jason’s Instagram and he almost told that person that their neck was pregnant, but he didn’t. He’s not going to waste his “effin” time being all bitter and mean and “shibbidy”. Dingo got to hear about sweaty hands and Brian Deegan and how much time and energy Deegan used to waste on a hating. Bloods and Crips, one of them is better than the other, Wilson is part of MS13, Rawdog ain’t scurred of any of them because he’s Jewish for life, and Tully thinks Hollywood is really just a giant shithole. His new neighbors were scoping him out since they’re the new kids on the block and the neighbors are wondering if that means their hood is turning to shit. Betsy is donating $7,500 to charity like some kind of badass – which is fucking badass – therefore she’s badass. But nobody can figure out why she likes the show because she’s got way more class than anyone there. Tiggy’s still bringing the pain to the dirty, stinking, red headed kid at soccer. He scored 8 goals, thereby solidifying his first major step in becoming the next David Beckham. He’s definitely already surpassed Rawdog, who had the most soccer balls stolen from him during a game. How are professional athletes making so much money and getting so many breaks? Even though they’re rich as fuck and have a glamorous life, a lot of them end up broke as shit. Cry me a “effin” river.
Breaking news with Wilson Pendarvis! The cops have the building surrounded and the streets blocked off because of a suspicious looking package / potential bomb threat. Which of course means that TJES could literally be on the verge of blowing the fuck up. Will’s oddly looking out the window, listening to multiple police scanners, frantically pushing buttons on his massive phone, and praying a bomb will go off to end his pain and misery. Breaking Richmond family news with Rawdog! His sister Gabi, aka “The Tooth”, is now engaged and ready for an adulterous relationship soon. Just kidding. Congratulations to her clavicle breaking ass, but fuck her fiancé because none of us know him. He could be a sweet dude, but we’ll never know. Ellis took the kids and Katie horseback riding over the weekend. And just like you’d imagine someone named “The King of The West” would do, he took a cell phone call while riding and did an interview over the phone. Hey, did you know Ellis used to skateboard? Yup, he sure did. He also watched the Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth show this weekend, as did I, and it was fucking great. Circling back around to professional athletes and how stupid they are with money, everyone had their butthole clinch a bit when Tyson talked about being charged $8,000 for towels. Not because they were awesome towels, but because he wasn’t watching what shit-dick Don King was doing with Tyson’s money.
UFC news time, Rawdog did not watch it, GSP retained his title against Johny Hendricks (who spells Johnny with 1 N?), even though a ton of people thought he lost, including Dana White. A lot of GSP fans are pissed that anyone has an issue with him winning, of course, and apparently those people don’t like anyone to have an opinion that differs from their own. Dana was livid with the decision and blamed The Nevada State Athletic Commission, saying “they have a lot of work to do, that they make him sick, and they better figure out how to not destroy, not only the sport of boxing, but this sport, too.” Hendricks also weighed in on the matter and says he doesn’t care if GSP retires or not, he just wants what is clearly his, the belt. Josh Koscheck was brutally knocked out by Tyron Woodley in the first round, leaving many to question if Koscheck has the chin for MMA anymore. Chael Sonnen was man-handled by Rashad Evans on Saturday, eventually leading to a knockout of Sonnen, which left me shrugging my shoulders because I’m not a big fan of either of those guys. But I’d say Chael needs to stick to his TV game and by the looks from the fight, Rashad probably has a chance to stick around fighting for awhile. Robbie Lawler won his fight with Rory MacDonald in a decision left to the judges. And finally, according to Dana White, Jon Jones has withdrew from UFC 170 due to injuries.
In other big news, your Ugg boots, the ones made out of sheep skin? Yeah, they’re made out of sheep skin and a sheep has to die for you to look ridiculous. Okay, that doesn’t actually qualify for big news, but this does. Next Tuesday, November 26th is the release party for Big Fucking Mega Boat, with a live show at some go kart track and everyone is invited, even Wilson. According to local Thailand expert, Dingo, those people are greasy and he used to be full of grease as a young boy in Thailand. NFL news time with expert professional football statistician, Rawdog. Peyton (nay Paytaun) Manning threw the ball towards other guys that were themselves running towards the goal. There was a 2 hour windy mud delay in Chicago creating what might have been the longest football game in the history of tennis. Somebody kicked a field goal and then they won. Stealers beat the Lions by going hard in the paint for rebounds. Wilson is sporting some Red Dragons jeans that make his butt look incredible and cause people to scream Red Dragons anytime he passes by shaking his money maker. Just ask Katie. And Ashley. And your mom.
Jason says the show is repping Onnit hardcore, but oddly, they never mentioned a contest sponsored by Onnit because Onnit wants to give back to TJES fans. Strange, because you’d think a shitball website dedicated to TJES & running a contest by Onnit would be worthy of a mention, but nooooo. (Calm down, it’s a joke.) Anyway. This brought us into an episode of “You sir, are a moron.” The first topic up, should you have the right to burn the American flag? Next topic, how many times jerking off in one day is too many? Next, who is the most over-rated musician of all time? Next, would you turn your mom in if she killed someone? And then, what if your wife had an outtie belly button? I think there was another one before that, but I missed it. Next, is it wrong to give money to organizations like PETA? And finally, what is the highest job in “office” (political) would anyone on the show be qualified to hold? So there ya go, questions without answers to keep you up at night. But good news, I have one more question, this time with an answer to help give you closure. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? He cried because his wife got it in the divorce, along with the farm, his 3 kids, his happiness, his money, and his dog named Tim. Oh and his dignity. And there you have it. “Don’t die” is Ellis’ saying, so I’ll end this recap in my own way, while saying pretty much the same thing.
Happy Thursday said no one ever! Ellis is feeling the pain of his workout and today on the mean streets of Hollywood a crazy 200 pound white broad called Ellis a N bomb and a F bomb and tried to flinch him then pissed while staring him down. Being quick on his feet he
was able to get it all on Ellismania.com. Also on Ellismania.com is Ellis’s new signature sunglasses. Okay I don’t know if that’s where you get them for sure but it’s a pretty good bet. They started talking about teachers and shitty smart parents that bug them too much with all their brainy brains and having to do good in school because you can’t just get “dummy” jobs anymore like digging ditches or working in the oil fields of Canada. They also talked about starting your own business or getting on TV but I wasn’t really listening, I was busy digging a ditch.
And back from the music break we are graced with Hollywood blabber mouth Sam Ruben. He thinks that he can fight Tara Patrick in Ellismania 9, either because he likes hitting girls or because he enjoys punching chicks, but I’m sure it’s all in good fun. They talked something about a charity bike ride, shit about The Today Show, and a whole bunch of other Hollywood shit that I tend to drown out. The only thing worse than Hollywood News is Hollywood News on steroids. Then for a nice turn of events they talked about movies, actors, my balls, Rawdog’s diet, Ellismania fights, and this one guy that did that one thing with the other dude that was totally rad.
All porn productions have been shut down because an unknown performer has tested positive for HIV. Even this is the second case since 2004 you know that all the anti porn blue balled mother fuckers are gonna crow about shit that they have no business sticking their pretentious noses into. Ellis’s arm is sore because he tore something while working out so he’s taking it easy to heal. Unfortunately he doesn’t have the money to hire a masseuse to work it out. Happy endings are expensive. Rawdog plans on doing cardio much like the Onnit challenge but easier. A Northern Arizona family got lost at sea while trying to escape the government for religious causes. Being from Arizona it’s safe to say that they had no nautical experience and should have died at sea like God intended them to do. God doesn’t like idiots either. Tully thinks that all the crazies and bible thumpers and every other skitzo that hates the government should be given Wyoming. That way they can live in whatever kind of chaos they prefer. Besides, nobody’s using Wyoming anyway, it’s like that corner of Americas back yard that has an old tire and a few pieces of wood and a rusty bicycle from the 50’s.
An English chick is going to marry a man on death row who shot a dude at 16 and then strangled another inmate earning his spot in old sparky. Hope they don’t forget to wet the sponge. Crazy people, am I right! Some dumbasses called and then one smart dude called suggesting that they have a comic open for DDD and it’s defiantly a suggestion to consider. Then there were more dumb callers but this time it was on purpose in the quest to find the dumbest caller and there are quite a few great contestants.
If you want to win stuff and fight at Ellismania 9 then send in your video of yourself hitting a heavy bag for three minutes to Juliet, The Web Mastress, at email@example.com. You can also send in your singing videos through Instagram, just take a video of yourself singing a Death Death Die or Taintstick song and put @wolfmate and #ellismania9 on it. Heather Mills now has a silver metal for skiing in the New Zeland solemn skiing something or other, not bad for a one legged bitch. Ever wonder what it would be like to watch Mike Tyson play Mike Tyson’s Knockout? Well wonder no more! A dude on bath salts went on an ass kicking spree punching a kid and taking his skateboard, kicking a dog, beating a dude with a shovel, and pushed a man in a wheelchair down the street saying, “You’re coming with me!” I’m not gonna lie, that last one made me laugh. The Huntington Beach Bad Boy is at the end of his internship today. He is going back to school tomorrow where you can hear him on collegeradiocrap.com.ed.au. Or ChapmanRadio.com whichever steaming pile of shit you prefer to listen to. Also follow him on Instagram, @AdamMann24, where there are riveting pictures of him and Wilson in some artsy fartsy filter. They ended the show with the high speed recap guy. If this guy reads these please get in contact with myself, @Az_RedDragon or @bitPimps. Or you can just tell our mum because you’re poundin that pussy yo!
Oh yeah, OH!
What’s up sluts? OMG, you guise! It’s 311 day, and that’s gay. Skibbi-bee-do-bop. So there’s a radical dude in the studio, he goes by the name Dingo. Someone’s been fucking with the voice altermication machine and letting the air out of the tires in the THC Porsche. Kids love tattooed head guy in pink pants. Ellis took his kids to trampoline world, and when Katie went to the bathroom to go number 1 or 2, she heard kids talking about tattooed head guy in pink pants and all he got was smiling faces. The Ellis household got food poisoning again, this time from the Mexicans – but no love loss, they still their food. Puking and shitting good times was had by all! Then he got in a bit of trouble. Andrea had come over, to get the kids I assume, and as she was leaving, he turned and said, “thanks my only friend.” Of course that didn’t go over too well with Katie as she didn’t take it as a joke and felt slighted. It’s all good though, Ellis smoothed it over and they banged out the issue. Rawdog needs a jacket with a “Jew Claw” patch on the back, and the topper would be to invent the “Jew Claw” finishing move in EllisMania fights.
Why hasn’t Mayhem gotten back with Ellis about co-hosting Tiger Box? Is he out training, secretly hitting ever open-mic night in Hollyweird, in an effort to show Ellis up with his newly honed comedy skills? Who knows. What would Ellis and Dingo be doing if they had to fall back on to another career? Probably build houses or dig holes, that seems to be the Aussie crutch. Thankfully for everyone, that’s not the case. It’s calzone time, some Chuck (@EatAtCarlos) dude that makes them stopped by today to deliver the guys’ inventions so they could all try them. In case you have forgotten, here are the calzones featured on today’s menu: Chicken nugget, spaghetti & meatballs, loaded nachos & cheese, chili dog, dessert calzones with Little Debbie snacks & Nutella, Nutty Bars, Brownies, peanut butter & jelly with peanuts etc. Ellis and Tully gave the nod to the chili dog calzone. Dingo seemed to be satisfied with the peanut butter & jelly calzone. And of course, Rawdog went to town on the chicken nugget calzone. Apparently there’s a fucking pizza convention in Las Vegas, which sounds kinda cool until you think about how many bullshit pizzas there has to be there. Nobody wants to be the guinea pig taste tester for the pesto chicken with buffalo cornflakes pizza.
Moto news, Ryan Villopoto joined the 3-time winner at Daytona club, by umm, winning. Man, that guy, he’s one heck of a guy. Villopoto is now in the lead on the umm, leader board. This pushed Davi Millsaps into second place, trailing by 2 points and a couple of shots of steroids. Greatest riffs bracket has been setup, there are 64 entries on the bracket and it’s time to start whittling it down to 32, then the sweet 16 round, and finally the elite 8 round. It’s confusing how the bracket is working, but Rawdog gets it, so we’ll just have to trust him. Basically, 64 songs. If a song wins once, it goes to the 32 round. If that same song wins again, it goes to sweet 16 round. If that same song wins a third time, it goes to the elite 8 round. The confusing part comes up because there are only 8 songs planned for today and the plan is to get those 8 songs down to 1 song, putting that song into the elite 8 round.
- Cat Scratch Fever (Ted Nugent) vs Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Love (Van Halen)
Sweaty Teddy won.
- Black Betty (Ram Jam) vs Sweet Child o’ Mine (Guns ‘N Roses)
G’NR won. *
- The Boys Are Back in Town (Thin Lizzy) vs Eye of the Tiger (Survivor)
- Under Pressure (Queen & David Bowie) vs Back In Black (AC/DC)
AC/DC won. *
Now to send 2 songs from the previous round, to the sweet 16:
- Cat Scratch Fever (Ted Nugent) vs Sweet Child o’ Mine (Guns ‘N Roses)
- Eye of the Tiger (Survivor) vs Back In Black (AC/DC)
Now to send 1 song from the previous round, to the elite 8:
- Sweet Child o’ Mine (Guns ‘N Roses) vs Back In Black (AC/DC)
G’NR won and is now in the elite 8.
We got to hear some Mike Tyson songs on the show today, thanks to umm, Mike Tyson and The Jingleberries. Science is now saying the beer goggles do not exist, which okay, being drunk doesn’t make a chick hotter, it just lowers your standards. Makes sense, poor decision making and loss of inhibitions tend to go with alcohol. We got a little more information about Dom the producer today in an effort to get everyone to know him better, he used to do radio in Arizona and his Twitter name, @TheHippieDom came about because he was labeled as a hipster. However, he wrote out a few more questions with multiple answers and the guys have to guess which is most likely
Q: What is the main reason why girls break-up with Dom? He goes Dutch on all meals, he works too much, or he has no future?
A: Survey says: He has no future.
Q: Dom toured around several states doing what sport? Extreme frisbee, hacky sack, or paintball?
A: He was an amateur paintballer.
Q: There’s an annual thing Dom does once a year in Mexico, what is it? To hear some great Americana music, to buy prescription pills for his rash, or to visit a friend in prison?
A: He goes to listen to Americana music.
Q: Dom has had some weird jobs over the years, which was it? A real estate agent, a urine drug screen collector, or an accountant?
A: Real estate agent.
Q: One of Dom’s most memorable trips to Mexico was what? Had no phone, no wallet, no passport, & $10 bucks and left by himself in Mexico, something else, or had to sleep in a Tijuana airport for 3 days?
A: He got left because he banged another chick besides the other girl that wanted to bang him. And he is now friends with the chick that left his ass stranded in Mexico.
Q: On a snowboarding trip one time, he came back to find what stolen from his car? Roof, seats, or wheels?
A: The roof.
Q: While trying to do a 180 on a snowboard ramp, Dom broke what? His tailbone, rib, or finger?
A: He broke his rib.
Q: Dom’s first concert was what? Sneaking in to see U2 at the age of 10, Rolling Stones at 2 weeks old, or Guns ‘N Roses at 25 or some shit?
A: U2, he likes Joshua Tree. HAHAAA
Q: Dom’s favorite alcohol of choice is what? Tequila, something else, or absinthe?
A: ‘Atta boy! Tequila.
Q: Six months ago, Dom got hit with what condition? Bell’s Palsy, Premonitory Turrets, or Osteogenesis Imperfecta?
A: Bell’s Palsy, he had a temporary stroke and half his face froze the fuck up and he has pictures to prove it.
Q: This year, Arizona nominated Dom for what? The most eligible bachelor in Arizona radio, best radio personality, or something else?
A: He won the best radio personality in Arizona radio.
Q: The scar Dom has on his arm is from what? A .22 caliber, a human bite, or a bottle rocket?
A: He got bitten by a Cumtard when he worked a developmentally disabled place.
And with that, we close out today’s re-cap and you can go on your own merry way and spread your herpes, just like your father, mother, brother, and sister before you. Also, Burbank Dave sends his regards, to your grandmother.
Yo dude bro-bro dudes-bro! It’s Tuesbro, so let’s see what the bro’s have for us on today’s bro-show, you know, bro? I missed the first 20 bro-down minutes or so of the show, so I’m not sure what the topic was, but I came in right when Mayhem volunteered his mother to fight Rawdog. A blind man also called and offered to fight him as well. Not everyone can agree upon what is the cutest puppy, but one thing is for sure, Rawdog just might be the cutest puppy of them all. Deaf people definitely have deaf pride, all trying to rub their deafness in everyone’s faces, telling you they can feel sound vibrations and shit. But who would win in a war with deaf people versus blind people? What about midgets? Why aren’t midgets for sale yet? Some things in life just don’t make any sense. Lot’s of stripper talk today, their stripper tactics, their stripper games, and stripper etiquette. Ellis popped Katie in the face today with some jabs while they were doing some boxing for a workout. She liked it and wanted more, biatch be cray, yo!
Hollywood news time, Gary Busey’s bankruptcy case is now closed, but he still owes $450,000 to the IRS. Demi Moore’s banging some new young dude, and guess what? Tully knows him. Katt Williams is back in the news after leading cops on a chase, he stopped at Target and slapped the shit out of an employee. Katt seems to be out his gotdamn mind. Kim Kardashian is still in the middle east, but with what looks like herpes. Nick Lachey got into a fight with a San Diego Chargers fan, he was making fun of some other dudes shirt (tough guy stuff), this dude’s wife told him to eat shit or something, and then Nick-bro flipped out and got kicked out of the game. Frankie Muniz had a mini-stroke at the mini-age of 27, which would suck large-balls, so let’s hope his mini-ass gets back into better health. In the late 1980’s, Brad Pitt was caught with Mike Tyson’s wife, Robin Givens. Red Dragons! Tyson also revealed that he was high on cocaine while filming The Hangover. Randy Couture made a half joke that he would only come out of retirement to fight Steven Seagal, so Seagal said he’d fight him for free at some place where there are no witnesses. Hugh Hefner had some chick leave him at the isle just before their wedding, but now it’s back on. Yay for money!
New Music Tuesday Christmas edition today, we got hear new hits from such awful acts as Cee-Lo, John Travolta & Olivia Newton John, August Burns Red, Backstreet Boys, Colbie Caillat, Thousand Foot Krutch, Rod Stewart, Tracey Thorn, Flatulenta, Blake Shelton, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and fucking finally Sufjan Stevens as the pick of the week. All of it was absolutely terrible and was hell on Earth for most of us. Breaking news, Sal Masekela is
dead, no wait, X-Games are dead, no, that’s not right either, Sal & ESPN broke up, yes, that’s correct. He will no longer be hosting X-Games. I wonder if they’ll remain friends and send each other Christmas cards? This whole Sal & ESPN thing spawned a massive conversation about hosts and people who interview athletes at sporting events. Aussie news, crocodiles are getting their Christmas dinners in early, sounds like they’re eating children left and right, I don’t even think they served yams.
Wanna have lunch with Ellis, Rawdog, and Tully? Tough shit, motherfucker. Just kidding, you can go bid on your chance to win that life altering moment, and when you win, prepare to fingered with mind tongue. In cock news, George Takei said he jacks off to completion in the shower while thinking of Ellis. You might not want to donate your spermies to a lesbian couple unless you have some sort of legal document that states they can’t come back after your ass for some duckettes. What is the difference between your mom and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out. OH!