Show Re-cap for Thursday 8/8/2013

photo (6)Everybody knows that when your a kid you don’t fuck with a man. Because he pays taxes and has hair loss and probably a wife that nags him about stupid shit all the time and you don’t fuck with a guy like that. Ellis is having trash can issues with some guy who parked and moved the the trash can so the trash guy can’t get it and started arguing with Ellis about it making everybody in Hollywood look like an asshole. He stepped down before he got free reconstructive facial manipulation and then Ellis started thinking about the situation and how the whole thing was stupid and possibly dangerous. They talked about parking woes for a while. I live in Phoenix, the only parking issues we have here is parking close enough to get into the building before dying of heat exhaustion. Mike Jasper is going to be staying with Ellis and I’m not sure why but this weekend he’s going to take the kids to Lego Land! Kids fucking love Lego’s, almost as much as Linsanity loves stairs. Ellis talked about that Giggles And Hugs place and how it’s perfect for Tully’s kid. Tully talked about how he was on Balboa Peninsula boardwalk and it reminded him of the Jersey Boardwalk only shittier and with lots of rich white guys, old money types with monocles and canes. Rawdog recalled a cherished memory of a family vacation where his dad and step mom argued the entire time. Ellis talked about how he went to a friends house when he was a kid and was blown away that he had Coca-Cola in his fridge! I know, crazy right!?! Cereal in Australia is all boring and shitty too, they don’t even have cereal with crappy little marshmallows in them. Australia, am I right! Burger got her vagina removed yesterday and is bummed, rightly so. Rawdog mentioned that there will soon be genetically modified grapes that taste like cotton candy, what the fuck was wrong with grapes to begin with? Ellis sold his totomotoboatosaki to his ex-brother in law because he hardly uses it anymore and doesn’t see paying for storage if he’s not using it. They talked about how hard some entertainers shuffle to get to the top and stay there and those that don’t, and celebrities that became famous against their will like that tennis dude that partied and played high as fuck.

Because Bing said so!

Because Bing said so!

In Aussie News a sexting scandal involving the head of the Queensland parliament’s ethics committee, Peter Dowling, was ratted out by his mistress. He sent texts and photos of his junk including a shot of his jimmy in a glass of red wine. Mike Jasper (@stujasperMMA) joined the guys in the studio to talk about dead celebrities and decide whether they are in heaven or hell. They started off with Biggie Smalls, he’s in hell because he sold crack to pregnant ladies and kids. And hit Mary J. Blige. JFK is in heaven because he was a sweet president dude who nailed Marilyn Monroe and hung out with the Rat Pack and told Germans he was a jelly doughnut. Kurt Cobain is in hell because he was on smack and killed himself leaving his child with Courtney Love, that heartless bastard. Michael Jackson is in hell according to Jason because of the drugs and leaving the kids thing, but on second thought, he can go to heaven because he probably didn’t mean to. Chris Farley is in heaven, he only hurt himself and didn’t have kids and Jesus really likes the “van by the river” skit. Johnny cash is in hell because he wants to be in hell, Reddragons! Catherine The Great is in heaven because of the shitty horse fucking rumor and its only right. Steve Erwin is in heaven but that mother fuckin stingray is in hell. John Lennon, even though he was a shitty dad, he did pass on a good message to millions so he’s in heaven.

In Shark News they played a news clip of a shark attack off garden island Australia. The

need a hand?

need a hand?

dude was attacked by a Bull Shark and lost his land and leg. I can’t find the attack video but I did find this! Some sports channel is going to start calling the Washington Redskins the Washington football team because a bunch of Indians are upset and think it’s racist. The feather Indians, not the dot Indians. A gay teacher at a catholic girls school got fired after he got married and the kids signed a petition to get him back. A dude in Malibu has a 19 acre ranch with 5 Siberian Tigers in a full enclosure and his asshole neighbors are petitioning that he get rid of them. I bet he lives near Rob Zombie.

Do you want to sing with Death!Death!Die! on Friday night before EllisMania 9? Then on Instagram record yourself singing along to a DDD or Taintstick track and hashtag it EllisMania9 and mention @wolfmate. Lady Gaga did a video practicing the Abramovic Method, but more importantly, she gets naked. Rhonda Rousey is going to be in The Expendables 3 and now it’s reported that she’ll also be in The Fast And Furious 7. Rumors are still not confirmed about her role in Sharknado 2. Robbie Keneval got arrested for a DUI in his motor home. They say he crashed into a couple other motor homes, I say he was trying to jump them drunk off his balls like a true champion! The final calls were a bust and somehow with the most preparation possible, the talk out was still a cluster fuck of retardetry. The only thing more retarded than the final callers was yer mums prom date, tell yer dad I said hi, OH!

Show Re-cap for Friday 6/7/2013

It’s Friday and the government can fuck right off because its time for the people to consume, mainly alcohol and other recreational items. Ellis’s head tattoo is controversial among the stuck up and those not used to people with head tattoos, go figure. Jason has his own parking spot at Swinghouse and intern Team Jetta was making sure that nobody stole that spot, he even moved the sign for big daddy Jace cakes. This got the guys toying with the idea of hiring a butler, but it would be a Mexican butler because they’re cheap and could probably make some killer tacos. McDonald’s doesn’t sell many salads, in fact salads only make up two to three percent of their sales, but you can probably pay a cashier to blow you for cash. It’s on the secret menu so you have to ask. Ellis is going to Grandad Shun Di--article_imageVegas with his chick to hang with Mike Jasper. Ellis is also invited to Mike’s buddies bachelor party, I don’t know if he is gonna bring the girl or if he will even go but if you are in Vegas and see the impostor Ellis it’s probably the real Ellis so say whats, up get a picture, and compliment his penis. As Tully gets older he feels that 40 is the new 30 like everybody has been saying, but at 50 you better have your shit together and not party so hard. It’s still okay to get shit faced once and a while at 40, but he thinks it’s kind of lame by the time your fifty. Not everybody agrees with this but one thing is certain, if you don’t have shit together in your life by the time your 50 then your fucked.

Welcome back to the Playgirl Radio recap! There are three rock hard sweaty man boners wet and dripping with precum in studio just waiting for your erotic encounters with yogurt slinging man meat. Want to know something that will get your dude boner rock hard? Keithtumblr_llatanJkKU1qbnthu Urban did a layout for Playgirl magazine and according to Rawdog, “my butthole is quivering with anticipation!” Playgirl Radio is defiantly the hottest wads on radio, in fact according to Tully, “I can go a little lesbian for guys” and “Punch me in the fart locker!” Speaking of massive huge dick boners, a Miller Duck has a dick as long as itself, so hot! According to the kids, butt chugging is out and vaporizing is in! RatScabies graced us with a phone call saying how he was at a strip club and one of the girls shit herself on stage. This is by far the pinnacle of strip club mishaps, it tops the stripper falling off the pole by ten fold! But the real question is, of you saw a stripper shit herself, would you leave or stay?

photo (3)Now back to out regularly scheduled recap, Jesus was found in Queensland, actually it is just a dude named Alan John Miller who is married to a chick and claims to be Jesus reincarnated and that his wife is the reincarnated Mary Magdalene. Hazel Jones, an English woman with two vaginas was offered a career in porn by Steven Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment. Its time for everybody’s favorite game,To Pet A Predator starring Josh Richmond! And today the snake whisperer got away with not being bit by not only one, but two snakes in the box! But in good sport he got bit on the ear lobe by a gecko with a little man complex. Then bringing the show to gold star standard, Dom The Weak freaked out over a little lizard biting his nip nip. He also pet the snake but didn’t get bit either, I think reptile outpost brought in broken snakes. Team Jetta and Team Punishment played What’s In My Mouth. The items were mayonnaise, oysters, pigs feet, dehydrated shrimp, kimchee, a used band aide, hot sauce, sardines, tobacco, and everything mixed together. Team punishment lost 0-2 and now has to put roaches and a scorpion on his face. He cried like a little bitch as an intern should but unexpectedly Dom stepped up earning his man card back by volunteering to have the scorpion of death put onto his head just like Jason did, like a man!photo (2)

Now on to, Men, Am I Right? A man in Kentucky got locked in a store overnight and did 57 whip it’s among consuming many other goods. A man in Georgia got into a fight with his neighbor over his unkempt lawn and the man with the nice lawn set fire to the neighbor with the shitty lawn’s house. Man in Florida shot himself in the leg while bowling, hahahahahahahaha. Dude in Sydney threatened a mechanic with a large black dildo after the mechanic released the car to the repo company. Man in china smashed a Maserati after he claims his wasn’t fixed properly. San bernidino man got rear ended by a motorcyclist and the dude got flipped into the bed. Man in Yellowknife had an itchy back for three years, turns out he had a 2.7 inch piece of knife still in him from a knife fight three years ago. Hungarian man sliced off his arm with a piece of construction equipment and drove himself ten miles to the hospital. English bloke got busted taking up skirt shots at a bar with his phone but uses the old, “I might be trying to light farts on fire” defense. Man on his honeymoon in Florida got arrested for soliciting a prostitute. And finally, a priest was assaulted but claims to remember nothing or how the beer, condoms, or lube got into his room only a half hour after he checked in. What would you do if you suddenly had wings? Rawdog would certainly die and Jason would become an ill conceived super villain. Speaking of wings, that reminds me, ask yer mum which maxi pads she needs me to puck up, the “heavy flow” pads or the “More blood than a chum bucket on a shark boat” pads, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 4/25/13

Lets talk about our emotions, and how they effect us each and every Thursday. If your getting high to hide your emotions, well that’s not good.  If your using music to feel your emotions well that’s fucking sweet.  Therefore if your high and listening to music, you’ve figured out the meaning of life.  And welcome to today’s show and straight into how Jersey Shore is expanding like Wu-Tang, everyone’s getting their own show on MTV, but not Ellis, FUCK!  No one wants to pick up ol’ MC Hollywood for a season or two?  Not Rawdog, who claims to be from Hollywood but really is better know as Mr. Marina Del Ray, but Ellismate, who is not from Hollywood so could claim to be MC Hollywood, is better know as MC Sanderingham.  Mr. New Jersey, who claims to be Mr. New York, and better know as Mr. Oxford as far as I’m concerned, had to roll the fuck out for a few to get Ellis some Codeine for his Aids he’s getting.  Without Tully in studio, talk went to washer’s and dryers, and of course Rawdog’s dick.  Oh, let me explain that…..you see Ellis just moved in so he needs a new washer and dryer, and Rawdog could use one but doesn’t have the cash for it allegedly.  Oh, and Rawdog is going to his gay roommates party and is figruing out his best lines for getting some stank on his hang down.  So far, Rawdog’s best bet is to quote the average dick size of 5 1/4″, and immediately notify them he’s packing a clean 7″ of Taint Stick.

 

...if your under the magic 5.25 inches!

…if your under the magic 5.25 inches!

 

Apparently all people in South Korea look the same, even in beauty pageants, or so I learned on TJES!  I also learneded that Mike Jasper is pretty fucking gnarly too.  If you don’t recall Mike is the dude Ellis was sparring a few weeks ago on EllisMania.com, the cool one who didn’t beat the shit out of him too bad, much respect.  Dude is a perfect 6-0 in professional fights, but said he did have a fight in Vegas that didn’t technically count in which he did get knocked out, and that’s one he remembers.  Dude’s a warrior, and practices the Dolce Diet too so get it up ya if ya haven’t yet!  I missed about 10 minutes of the interview, only to come back to Joe Rowe using some training mask in preparation for this year’s Bong Olympics, Red Dragons to you my friend!  Back to Jasper the Angry Ghost, and shout out to him for bringing tickets to give to #EllisFam for his upcoming fight May 11th in Woodlands Hills, CA.  He’ll be beating the shit out of Lee Chapman who is 4-8 for another couple of weeks.  So wonder what this mutha fucker here can do on the punch machine?  Well not sure what happened really, maybe he was psyched out from Branden Schaub’s score was less than Ellis’s, or maybe he just missed that stupid fucking star in the middle, but he topped out at a 56.  Hey dude, at least you beat Rawdog!  In MMA News, Anderson Silva could beat Rawdog too, even after his new contract extending him for 12 more fights in all.  Crazy Bones Jones said he’s got some record to set first before fighting in another weight class, in case you were wondering.  Kimbo Slice still exists, knocking MoFo’s out in Australia!  Finally, and most improtantly of all, it was rumored that Ellis’ next fight at Ellismania may be a rematch with Gay Bruediger, but kickboxing this time!

 

Sorry Kimbo, I wasn't saying you didn't exist...

Sorry Kimbo, I wasn’t saying you didn’t exist…

 

It’s that time of year again folks, time to vote for your favorite to be the 2013 Twisty’s Treat Of The Year.  Say hello to Spencer Scott and Karlie Montana, two of the contestants for this contest I speak of.  Apparently the winner gets some money, a diamond necklace, and one grand for a charity of their choice.  Wonder what that charity would be?  “Um, I don’t have a clue, maybe Um animals?”  Let me ask you this EllisFam, do all the dumb bitches come on the show on Thursday’s?  Here’s what you didn’t miss, a four part contest to see who you should vote for.  In round 1, Spencer is proud of her blow job accomplishments, is best at everything in bed, and fucks like Bill Clinton.  Karlie spits load of 34 story buildings in Canada, wishes she had no tonsils to get the dick in further, an thinks squirting is the greatest thing achieved of the last century – guess who won!  Round 2 was phone sex with callers, using voice altermacation of course, but only Karlie was down to phone fuck, Spencer pussed out.  Round 3 was the punch machine, Spencer 36, Karlie 39.  Round 4 was for Ellis to sniff a line of their pussy and judge.  Karlie’s was like America and Monster Energy in one.  Spencer’s, besides not even being in the competition, apparently smelled all fruity and shit, so again guess who won.  4 – 0 sweep, bottom line folks, don’t waste your time on this shit and just enjoy your weekend!

 

Sham-WOW!

 

Hollywood News anyone?  Cops in Stockholm, Sweden say Justin Bieber was rolling with weed and a stun gun, but arrested him only because he was hanging with that Lil Za fucker again, damn Biebs!  Bieber was also late to some photo shoot and another concert, but fuck off ok!  Some dude from the Nappy Roots got beat down by Po Po Mo Fo!  Remember that whole “Don’t you know who I am” from Reese Witherspoon the other day, turns out someone looked up other times that shit happened and Bob’s Your Uncle.  In other Hollywood News, Ellis say’s don’t watch The Crow cause it fucking sucks now, and some dude did a ton of blow in it and got all sleepy n shit, and that doesn’t really happen.  I kinda sorta missed a little more of the show, only to come back to Beanie Sigel, Memphis Bleek and Ellismate all in a cab, shooting it out with Jay Z, all inside of some chics carnival…..but I never did find out her name!  Bruno Mars says fuck Joe’s Crab Shack.  And finally La Toya Jackson says Michael Jackson’s ghost tap dancers in her house, never mind!  Teen Advice, need some, get some – well ok maybe not really, but if you’ve ever questioned whether Ellis, Rawdog or Tully would fuck a clone of them self, No Way for Tully, Why Not for RawDizzle, and Yes For A MTV Show for Young Wing.  For the rest of them, I think Tully put it best when he suggested ‘move to the sewer and become lord of the underground’.  Except for that one 17year old lesbo who’s gonna eventually fuck her teacher, good luck!  And as far as any suggestions for your grandmama, how about five and a quarter inches is all I’ll put in if you don’t shut the fuck up, OH!