I really could have sworn that today was the 10th, but apparently this bitch was living in the future- because today is Tuesday the 9th and my mind has been minimally blown. Maybe not minimally blown. Maybe just shaken up a bit. That’s what happens some days, I guess. Just means that I wrote the date wrong on a bunch of shit today. Whats the worst that could happen? But, anyway, welcome to the show and fuck off. Ellis found some awesome balls at the airport and he is having another kind of ball using Continue reading
Holy crap, do you know what is awesome? I finally have use of a real actual fucking computer again and am not currently typing this on my iphone or from the baby’s ipad. That just straight up makes me happy!!!! Weeeeee!! An actual keyboard!!! Wooooo
anyway, I’m sure you really don’t care all that much about that, other than the fact that I don’t have autocorrect and have to remember to put in my own punctuation and all that shit…so let’s get right down to it. Did you know that the song from the intro, the intro that I call the ‘yeah, motherfucker hillbilly sounding intro’ is played in an Australian movie about Australian skinheads that went around beating up and killing Asian people? Why, neither did I, but Ellis knows that and was letting all of us lovely listeners in on the info. But, you know what? Ellis has been to that train station (I’m guessing some train station somewhere in Australia that was featured at some point in the movie) and he has definitely seen Asian people there, because Australia is like Canada when it comes to Asian people, but he has for sure never seen a skinhead there. You know where he did see skinheads? He saw them when he was on the bus and they almost beat him up and started shit with him because he had a shaved head because he was a skateboarder and that’s what all the cool skate dudes were doing at the time. Other than that though, nope, not a skinhead in sight at the train station.
Welcome to the show on this ever so lovely Tuesday! At least, well, it’s lovely here in New York..a nice 84 degree day in May, which is awesome to me cause I hate wearing clothes and the hotter it gets outside the more socially acceptable it is for me to not wear them all that much!!! I was parading around most of the day in yoga capris and a cute little crop top because i give zero fucks!!! But, I guess we aren’t really here to talk about my day..we’re here to talk about The Coalition of Chaos.
Ellis opened up the show talking about how he was going to be making changes to officialjasonellis.com (that’s the official website that you should all go and run and sign up for if you’re dedicated enough to be reading this blog cause you missed the show) and honestly, i have no idea exactly what changes he plans on making because he confused the hell outta me the whole time he was talking about it. and i don’t feel bad at all about being confused cause I’m pretty sure Tully wasn’t all that clear about what was going on with the changes either. Whatever..it will surely be awesome. Speaking of Tully..how the hell is Tully? Well, he’s great, thanks for asking. He’s great because it’s Tuesday and Tuesday is great because Monday nights he goes to the gym and has himself a nice relaxing yoga sesh followed by some rigorous swimming which leaves him nice and tired and he gets a great night of sleep. Hell yeah, yoga. Ellis then gets distracted by seeing everyone’s favorite ambassador from Shade Four Fizzle and Jude comes on the air!!! Yayyyyy!!! Jude had a great time in his vacation, hanging out with his family and his daughter. He enjoyed it so much, in fact, that he is now getting the itch to start his own family. Again. I mean..he does already have a kind of family, since he’s a dad, but like, he wants to do it on purpose and shit. Ellis said that doesn’t surprise him based on everything that Jude had been posting to Instagram and everyone’s happy to have Jude back. Tully comes in with a story about how some random dude in the men’s room tried to give him parenting advice regarding potty training and his tired and cranky Little Dude, but Tully told him in no uncertain terms to step the fuck off cause he has the sitch under control and doesn’t need advice from someone about to whip out his dick in front of him. Then they get into some deep talk about being driven by anger and that’s when Ellis asks if they can go home for the day because the hard work is the deep shit and that shits done.
Moving on Ellis wants to make a new intro from the show because, TJES is always evolving so why not evolve a new intro to go along with it? They took some calls from listeners for ideas for the musical intro/background but it was all for nothing because Jude had already suggested the absolute perfect song and fuck all if I remember what the hell it was. And of course I didn’t write it down. Why would I do something smart like that? Just, trust me, it was the perfect song. They gabbed a bit about what was going to go into the new ‘tro and Will was talking about space and satellites and birds and coming down to the earth and Ellis was telling him to write it down but it all sounded like absolute nonsense to me and I’m not really sure if Ellis was just humoring Will..but then again, Will is kinda magical when it comes to saying random words and making it sound too legit to quit..so..it’ll prolly all work out.
Some guy in Chicago robbed a Subway, probably because he was angry about his foot long not being a foot long- but he was caught not long after as he was across the street at Subway’s competitor Potbelly where he was using the money he had just robbed from subway to purchase and eat a sandwich from there. You sir, are a very hungry and picky moron.
This weekend is all best of Jason Ellis- 24 hours of Jason ellis through Sunday night with no songs in between! Ellis didn’t know there were enough good shows for that…but Will was quick to set him straight and tell him that there’s some great, great (that’s 2 greats) stuff in there and of course there’s enough for a weekend cause there’s a whole Jason Ellis channel that is 24/7 all Ellis- all the time. Tully just asked Will to make sure to play the Slash interview because he almost had it committed to memory.
Ellis wants there to be more cameras in the studio and he also wants to be able to control where they’re pointed because there are times he really wants to catch other people’s faces and reactions to things for OfficialJasonEllis.com. He was talking about some sort of adjustable lamp thing, but for cameras and Andrew suggested a camera lazy Susan, but Ellis doesn’t like Lazy Susan- probably because she’s a giant lazy cunt. Then Ellis said that there should be a BroPro- a camera that someone has to strap to their head and wear all day when they do something moronic instead of having to spin the wheel- and they’ll have to deal with trying to hide their dick when they take a piss during the day. A BroPro sure would have come in handy for Big Daddy Jayce Cakes who had the BJJ match of his life with his trainer this morning but didn’t capture it on film because he didn’t press the right button to record, leaving Tully skeptical that Ellis was, as he described, just like Tom Cruise in the Last Samurai- able to anticipate his opponents moves perfectly before they even happened.
Then there was this whole big thing between Andrew and Kevin and Will who were all annoying each other throughout the day by being themselves and singing along to music and then purposefully trying to annoy each other and they should have a camera in the green room so we can watch this shit go down live on OJE because it really seems like a show within a show situation and I would love to watch Will get progressively more annoyed as the day goes on.
Will brought up some vigilante type superhero guys who hang out around LA and wear disguises and all that horseshit and was making fun of them, but Ellis got it into his brain that he and Will should join their ranks as Butt Rubber and Sonic Juice and help to make LA a safer place and video it. It developed into a whole big thing about Andrew and Kevin being Tall Boy and Small Boy dressed as dirty bum clowns- because who would fuck with them then and then it somehow turned into TJES guys being the Coalition of Chaos (COC- pronounced “cock”) who would, of course, be the nemeses of these superhero do gooders with Tully as the ring leader because he does the absolute pitch perfect evil coalition ring leader voice and Will rolling around as the Master of Mischief in a Stephen Hawking type get up and seriously I was laughing so hard the whole time they were talking about this that I barely heard half of it. It was so fucking funny that if they don’t actually do it I might die a little inside.
Tully then put out the call to listeners for some inspired ideas for Mother’s Day and the best thing anyone came up with is making a giant paper mâché vagina and re enacting birth. Really, guys? Although, I really can’t say anything cause all I ever really want for Mothers Day is a card and some flowers and some sort of food. Yeah, Mother’s Day is special..but I don’t think it has to be anything fancy. This year, the best thing I’ve come across is Con’s Taekwondo school is doing a movie night for the kids Saturday Night so that Daddy’s can take Mommy (or stepmommy) out for a date night. I want to see the Avengers movie for my date night. And then they were talking about cruises for a long time. Not normal cruises, of course, but swingers cruises and cat lover cruises and Motörhead cruises..and I was doing housework and a little zoned out..but Ellis did like the idea of an Ellismania- Cruisin for a Bruising cruise when Tully said it…not when a caller said it, but when Tully said it.
Wrapping up the show they played a game of Mystety Karaoke where the guys had to sing along to widely known songs that no one ever really knows the words to and Andrew was terrible and Tully was amazing. Will, kevin, and Ellis also get gold stars for going for it with gusto. Andrew bummed Ellis out really hard by not giving it his all, but he came back in the end when he sang You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling like the frat boy that he will always be.
That’s all I’ve got on this lovely Tuesday…happy Cinqo de Mayo—where’s my margarita?!?!?!
You know how that show Seinfeld was a show about nothing? Welllll..that’s kind of how I felt about the show today. I don’t know if I’m the only one feeling this way, but it was a whole lot of talking (because, duh) but at the end of it I was all…wait..what am I gonna write about? I dunno maybe I’m cranky cause I’m experiencing terrible allergies for the first time in my life and I’ve had a Continue reading
Holy motherfucking crap do I hate the update on the SiriusXM app!!! So annoying!!! I don’t care what any of them say!!! I mean..Andrew the Giant sounded like he was reading off a cue card as he talked about it at the end of the show (while simultaneously blowing SiriusXM) and Will was all ‘it’s so much better it just takes getting used to’ and I’m all I DONT FUCKING CARE BECAUSE I CANT GET USED TO IT BECAUSE IT CRASHES EVERY TEN GODDAMN MINUTES!!! I tried deleting it and re-installing and it didn’t help. Is there an update with a big fix for the update? Ugh! Alright..I got it out. I think I’m done. I did manage to grin and bear it and not chuck my phone across the room and listen to most of the show, just only missing bits and bobs here and there because the fricking app hated me (and most other people) today.
Welcome to the Wow, Holy Shit Ellis is more intense than the satisfying appetizer that he intended to be Show Recap on this wonderful Tuesday! I’m here to tell you what Ellis to Continue reading