Show Re-cap For Monday 10/29/2012

Whatever life hands you, take it like a bitch.

Welcome friends, this is Monday’s re-cap and it’s going to feel so good once it slides it way into you, right to the top. Ellis spent the morning crying his eyes out after waking up super early in the morning and watching some sad-ass tear jerker of a movie called Evening. Hey, Dingo was on the show today, he’s horrible at guessing movies, thinks Helen Hunt is Meryl Streep, and they play retarded cows. Tully served Julia Roberts a coffee sometime in 1997, and no riots broke out – so that proves that Rawdog’s James Franco sighting at the movies doesn’t mean jack shit.  Did you guys hear about the rain that is falling and the wind that is blowing in the American north east? People are shitting their pants, I assume because they’ve never been near a tornado that appears out of no where and wipes the fucking earth bare. At least with hurricanes, you get tons of warning and time. If they tell you to evacuate, do that shit. Otherwise, you bust a deal, you face the wheel.

Thy hurled and blacked outeth.

Sounds like Bubba The Cum Sponge’s ex-wife might be the one who released the tape of her and Hulk Hogan slapping skins, or whatever. But I don’t give a shit and suggest that you should not give a shit either. Somebody got zapped by a guard at the Castle of Tom Cruiseland, and still, I do not give a shit. Some chick that Rawdog knows got mistaken for Zooey Deschanel looking to buy a house in Burbank – which according to Rawdog is pure completely not true. And you know what my thoughts are on that? Don’t care and neither should you. Rawdog (dressed as a ninja) went to a Halloween party with a blacked out Cumtard (dressed as a pirate) this weekend. Before that though, they stopped at Rawdog’s place so he could chat it up with his gay roommates hot friend, who happens to be a girl. The real story here is that Rawdog fell asleep at the party (what an animal), wakes up and finds Cumtard drunk as fuck playing tracks on YouTube and dancing with 2 other dudes. The rest of the story was that Rawdog and Cumtard go home, they stop at Rawdog’s so Cumtard can use the bathroom. The big bomb dropped in this story? Cumtard left the door open. What. The. Fuck. And that was shitty story time with Rawdog and Cumtard.

Wuurt, Wuurt, in de Buurt! Time for the Reverse Awards!

2012 Reverse Awards were announced today, with over two thousand responses tabulated, here are your winners!
Smallest Butthole award goes to: Joanna Angel
Best Podcast award goes to: Mad Scientist Party Hour
Smartest Virgin award goes to: Rawdog
Least Punchable Face award goes to: Rihanna
Most Alive Celebrity award goes to: Will Ferrell
Smartest On-Air Comment award goes to: Gabi Richmond
Person With The Least Heads award goes to: Rihanna
Least Rapey Celebrity Father award goes to: Michael Lohan
She’s Still Got It award goes to: Courtney Love
Band Of The Year award goes to: Neutral Milk Hotel
Athlete Of The Year award goes to: Travis Pastrana’s agent
Least Smelly Box award goes to: Linda Hogan
Most Human Looking award goes to: Shaun White
Best Reality Show award goes to: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
Best Actor award goes to: Adam Sandler
Woman Of The Year award goes to: Nick Cannon
Man Of The Year award goes to: Jason “Mayhem” Miller

Now to final calls, mostly about stripper poles. One big dude that called in, he’s large and he spins around on his stripper pole without it falling down – the one thing I really took for this particular call was that he’s the only one who ever uses it. The only one who ever uses it. Let that sink in. Big dude. Only one who ever uses it. That’s sad. There were more calls about what Ellis should get into next, as a physical hobby. We heard all sorts of suggestions, and pretty much all of them were shot down in a blaze of glory by Ellis. Oh, also, we came up with a great Halloween costume idea, but we’re having a hard time finding just the right amount of cottage cheese to wear in our thighs, ass, and arms to really look (pound for pound) like your mother. OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 10/24/2012

Time to stretch the fingers and pound out my first re-cap after the break. Ariel Helwani (@arielhelwani) is the dude that interviewed Jason “Mayhem” Miller when he “acted” crazy. Well he interviewed Mayhem again and this time Jason explained that he was in character and that he pulled a prank on Ariel. Either way Mayhem doesn’t seem like his usual crazy self. This is a different kind of crazy. Ellis wants to help but he thinks that Mayhem needs to hit bottom to fully accept it. On a lighter note, after being on the radio for 4 hours, Ellis finds it hard to have conversations with other people and is worried about becoming the creepy radio guy. If I do anything for 4 hours chances are I don’t want to do it more. Except buttchugging, there’s always room for buttchugging, literally. Is Ellis been more negative than usual? Nope, he’s actually about the same, he seems to go through phases of negative then mellow. According so some, he just needs more Kit Cope in his life. Okay according to Kit he does but according to his legs they are fine without more Kit. Ellis said that he is still realing from divorce, mainly with his time with his kids but things are getting better. Jude graced us with his urban presence and told about his appearance on Ricki Lake (a favor for his home girl/producer) talking about his bathroom attendant job and letting dudes rent them for blow and well, blow. If ya know what I mean. He had to share the stage with some dumb ass bartender, slash failed actor, slash douche canoe. If you weren’t keeping up you might have missed the subtle segways that lead to chaffed nipples, racist movies, shitty black movies, and the difference between good and bad skin heads. Here’s a hint, look for the swastika head tattoos or the blood of minorities on their hands, its all in the subtleties.

You can now vote for the 2nd annual Reverse Awards! And remember, vote now and vote often. New producer Valerie came into the studio today. She is Jason’s friend from way back who doesn’t want to bang him, which is probably why they are still friends. We learned a lot about Valerie today. Important bits of information like, dudes shouldn’t use LOL or emoticons, Valerie will give you her number unless your a bum, she won’t jack you off in the middle of the day for fixing her car, blow jobs don’t get her wet, she is a selfish masturbator, she doesn’t like huge dicks ( because she’s little), she was with little wiener dude who was nice guy but too embarassed to slip her the cocktail weenie,  and she has assburgers syndrom a little so don’t get upset when she laughs after you tell her about your tiny package. Tully brought in some Japanese butthole cakes that tasted like seaweed which explains why the Japanese are all so skinny, I wouldn’t eat anything either if it all looked and tasted like ass.

Valerie and Jason shared some Jake Brown stories. Tales of DJ Blackout on a party bus, that he requested, pissing everywhere with his one friend, the time he got kicked out of EllisMania, snuck back in to finish DJing, and then his adventures pub crawling through Hollywood with his pants around his ankles partying with EllisFam. And who could forget the time he kicked out windows at a party, ahhh good times. A girl called in who lost her virginity to Ellis in ’98 and she said it was his accent that got her all hot and bothered. From all of us here at noyouare, a celebratory chest bump for the Wing!

In medical news, sugar makes you dumb or some shit, I can’t remember. Carbonated beverages give girls strokes but not dudes so that sucks for the ladies. In everyday celebrity bullshit,  Magic Johnson is getting sued by his liquorice squeezing assistant who can’t get a god damn turkey sandwich on time, Chris Brown gets pulled over for doing something stupid as usual, and Fifty Cent got t-boned by some chick having a stroke

Don’t forget the taint region!

because she can’t put down the fucking soda. Then there was some political talk that I zoned out on which then brought us to Final Calls. Final Calls were quite educational today, for instance, don’t Nair your balls, it burns like a thousand blowtorches upon your taint, instead shave them like a man, in the mirror, with one leg up on the counter. Don’t do drugs but if you do consult a physician to make sure you can handle it, or just say fuck it and drink lots of water, you only live once. If your trying to lose weight keep at it, just like yer mum, she recently lost 15 pounds after the load that was impacted in her colon fell out, OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 10/9/2012

You’re all wrong, it’s butt chugged piss!

It’s Tuesday and I want this stupid bitch client to get fucked with a Rambo knife, she’s such a stupid cunt. Okay, sorry. I just had to get that out. Look, nobody is gonna tell Ellis what to do, nobody is gonna tell me what to do, and nobody is gonna tell you what to do either. Fuck all that shit. Mayhem is flipping his shit? Duh. He’s gonna go through whatever it is he’s going through and hopefully he’ll pull himself back out of it and carry on. Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more. Shit, I did not mean to bust out some Kansas, that shit just happened. Sounds like Ellis might have gotten another book deal, it’s not 100% solidified, but it sounds like it might be close to that. Yelawolf was on Jude’s show sometime in the past, he left a bottle of his pain killers there – which Jude was ready to munch until Yelawolf came back to get them. We found out who the mastermind was behind Mayhem being completely fucked up at EllisMania 8, Jude. He gave him drugs. Can you believe Jude has never done coke? Me neither, that’s kinda fucking weird considering how into synthetics he is.

At least pretend to give a fuck.

That chick that sings with Death! Death! Die!, @lisadonnelly, was on the show today to hear her latest work on the “In The Water” song. She might sing about her alleged large dick in the song, but she’s unwilling to hump Ellis or Rawdog’s leg with her very real cookie. Ellis and Lisa sang an acoustic version of “Load” while Tully strummed the guitar, and I assume Rawdog just sat there being all sad while thinking about the load he shot on his now ex-girlfriend’s face. Ellis went into story mode and started telling of the time when his dad beat his ass because he wasn’t washing his car or something, that’s when everyone started chiming in to turn his story into song form – it was beautiful. More importantly, Lisa has a new album coming out soon, she’s unsure of the name of the album at this point, but you can pre-order or “pledge” to her album. Here comes a really cool thing, you can donate some money and do a song with her, or collaborate on song, etc. Just think of the possibilities, you could have your own “If You Love Me, Start Butt Chugging” jam or maybe something like “Dick Cancer Karate Chop”, you get the idea.

That’s not desire, she just needs to take a massive shit.

Multiple sex toy owner Adrianne Curry came on the show today, newly almost divorced and already with one boyfriend left in the dust. She said she fucked herself a lot while being married because Peter Brady (aka Christopher Knight) wasn’t fucking her, but maybe it’s because she’s a nympho and his old ass couldn’t keep up. She wants to have a monogamous fuckfest with someone, she’s not into multiple partners because she’s scared of catching a disease – so that would seem to strike Ellis off the list of a potential fuck partner. She’s also anti-butt stuff, including rim jobs – her words, “I know what comes out of my ass after all my protein shakes and Jager bombs, and it ain’t pretty.” She also claimed to have “swamp vagina” during her visit on the show. That is one classy broad, good to see all that charm school is paying off for her. Overall, she is a pretty good guest, she talks like “just one of the guys” and is pretty open when discussing herself.

America’s first and whitest Blood gang member.

Hey, you ever do any butt chugging? If so, get out of my sight. Wanna see an old guy holding a press conference about butt chugging? Well here you go! Guess who’s the new owner of www.fucktully.com? Nope, not some random fan, but Tully himself! He has no idea what he’s doing with it yet, but one could only be lead to believe that there will be some fuck Tully available at rock bottom prices. Everyone’s favorite, South African, racist, animal lover, and director of Big Fucking Mega Boat, Donald Schultz, stopped by the show today after doing the Bean and Playboy shows earlier. He says that he has been getting a lot of positive feedback from the movie, and after the release of BFMB, it’s unknown how long he can keep James Cameron and Judd Apatow at bay. Speaking of keeping cock hungry whores at bay, your mom is now all over Schultz’s tube steak smothered in underwear, which is weird because he’s not only racist, but white, and yet she wants him to “show her it’s true what they say about black men”, so he plans to stab her and steal her purse. OH!

The Big Fucking History of “Big Fucking Mega Boat” – Part 1 (History)

For a movie that is only a reported 22min long and has been billed by J.Ellis as one of the worst things he’s ever seen, it has taken a long, long road to being made. Part 1 of the History of BFMB starts at the initial idea, the plans with Donald Schultz, developing the script , all the way up to just before they started filming.

He-man leads to 80’s toys, leads to the “Battleship” movie,  and then the 1st spark of “BFMB” – 2/1/12 – 8min

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Allison Eastwood will be the director for BFMB? – 2/3/12 – 2min

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Malin Akerman in studio and Grant’s “Kawaski” tattoo leads to the mention of Sgt. Kawaski and BFMB – 2/9/12 – 4min

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David Faustino gets pitched BFMB – 2/14/12 – 1min

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Shoebox gets pitched BFMB – 2/15/12 – 2min

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Donald Schultz in studio to discuss sets and script ideas for BFMB – 2/21/12 – 50min

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Donald Schultz returns, claims he has a submarine for the movie? Lots more movie ideas- 3/8/12 – 43min

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Rawdog will be the MGM Lion – 3/14/12 – 3min

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The idea of go karts at K1 Speed is announced and the characters/actors are set – 4/4/12 – 72min

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Show Re-cap For Monday 9/24/2012

Rawdog filling up his vagina to test his limits.

Monday. It can lick us where we shit, am I right? So let’s see what else Monday has in store for us, and let me just tell you this. If I hear talk about the fucking Emmy’s on today’s show, I’m wrapping this motherfucker up right then and there. Where’s Mayhem been? Why has he just disappeared? Oh wait, maybe it was because of that whole trashing a church while naked thing. Rawdog admits that he may be gullible, but he does not allow his girlfriend to tell him what to do. And if you believe that, you might also be gullible. Tig McPickles now knows how to ride a bike, without training wheels, and Big Daddy Rape Cakes laid down a $500 bet that his son could beat Rawdog in a bike race. A bet that Rawdog would not take. What would you do if you had a vagina for a day? Rawdog would see how many household items he could cram up there and gape himself, you know, for science.

Tiggy’s growing up right in front of our eyes!

Jon Jones beat the shit out of Vitor Belfort with a broken arm, hate him or love him – that’s a goddamned warrior right there. Fuck the other fights just because Bisping won and he’s a douche. Welp, guess what topic came up next. Talk about the Emmy’s. I told you what I’d do, and I was serious. So peace out. Later days and better lays, my friends.

Oh man, you guys are so lucky that I don’t want to make you pay for that Emmy talk shit. It didn’t last long at all, so that was a plus. Talk turned back to Rawdog vs Tiggy in a triathlon of sorts, hopefully you will be seeing that on EllisMania.com in the near future. Hey, Texas prisons are overflowing with prostitutes because apparently Texas considers hooking a felony or some shit. What if prostitution was legal? Would it help or hurt certain societal issues? Overall, it might make things safer for all involved. So according to JizzCult Pendarvis, he bought JizzCult.com, but according to the Internet, he in fact did not, therefore we can never trust Pendarvis again.

I don’t think they had salads back then, so would this be tossing someone’s fig leaf?

World Champion masturbator, Masanobu Sato tugged his lo mein noodle for almost 10 fucking hours! That has to be horrible, I mean if you jack off for that long without blowing a load, your balls are going to make you pay for that shit. Moral of the story here? You can now feel way better about your 4 times a day wank routine, you’re not even scratching the surface. According to Ellis (and maybe Jesus) you should have a girl in your taint region at least once in your life, because it’s glorious. Are you wasting your life away and have a terrible band that nobody wants to hear? Good news! You can still email EllisParodies@gmail.com and if there are enough shitty bands submitting their garbage quickly, they might be able to get a celebrity guest to help judge that nonsense you’ve been wasting so much of your time on.

Hold the fuck up, did I just see Burbank Dave?

Wanna see Rawdog with a little bit of product in his hair and looking like today’s modern terrorist? Sure you do! Sounds like he might be shaving that caterpillar off his face and starting to dress more like a Persian version of Tully. Whether Ellis saw him or not, everyone’s favorite and most consistent stalker, Burbank Dave, saw Ellis over the weekend. Dave’s all over Burbank and he can’t be stopped. You may be lucky enough to notice him if you’re ever in Burbank, he’ll be wearing a green EllisMate shirt that he hates. Back when your mom was still alive, we were driving down the highway and pulled on to a dirt road. We got out of the car and started walking into the woods. Clutching my arm, your mom said, “These woods are really scary.” I said, “Yeah, well I’m the one that has to walk back by myself in the dark later.” OH!