“The white boy is back…” Continue reading
Who loves ya? That’s right, I do! Who puts the lotion in the basket? That’s right, you do! So if you were listening to Faction previous to the show, you might have caught a quick replay of the show, specifically the “Horse Force” bit. Why did they play that just before the show? Because it’s going to be a topic on today’s live show. Everyone still with me? Great. Let’s begin. Why does the voice of the listener on the phone sound so dumb? Because dumb people have free time to push buttons on their phone, so they get through to the show. The couch Grant Cobb made is full of bad spirits, it’s causing havoc on the show. Ellis wanted to watch the hockey game on Sunday, but by the time he did, it was over. Ellis is now like Eminem in 8 Mile, where he flips off the Free World crew and says “Fuck the Free World” – only with Ellis is doing that with Game of Thrones because the last episode killed off some dude he likes. Dingo knows Miami will be winning the NBA championship this year, and if anyone knows, it’s Dingo. So we all know how much Ellis has been trying to get Devin into moto and she just wasn’t having it. He pulled the old switch-a-roo and took her bike to go trade it in on a 4 wheeler for her, which she seems to be loving. BOOM! Moto family achievement unlocked. Not to be outdone, Tully’s wife went to Target and bought some flip flops. BOOM! Flip flop achievement unlocked. Quick Moto News, Villopoto is not racing and could be saving himself to make a run at being the GOAT so he can finally work on getting drunk and fat. Dingo got to see a private screening of 22 Jump Street, he said it was great. He also saw A Million Ways to Die in the West, he said it was good but he walked out. He also said he walked out on 21 Jump Street when he saw it in the theater. So what have we learned from all this? Dingo walks out on at least 2/3rd’s of the movies he goes to see. Tully and his wife once sat right next to Seth MacFarlane while he was out on a date. He said the chick seemed like a gold digging bitch without the package to back her up, she wasn’t that good looking and seemed really annoying. So what have we learned from that? Seth doesn’t appear to be plowing hot Hollywood poon and nobody knows why not.
So what was up with the Horse Force replay before the show today? Because Ellis wants a t-shirt designed for it, and if the show gets really, really big – he thinks they should make a cartoon of it. They talked about who would be what kind of horse, each horses special gift, and any weaponry they might use. This went on for a good hour, kicking around all kinds of ideas for Horse Force. I’ll be a god damned monkey’s uncle if Bob McKenzie didn’t call into the show today. You may remember him tweeting Ellis during Friday’s show, saying he was listening in his tunnel up in Canadaland. Who the fuck is this Bob fellow, you ask? He’s a longtime Canadian hockey commentator. It’s pretty funny to think that he listens to the show and even funnier to think about him becoming a Wolfknives member. Wilson punched Ellis in the face today! Not like just decked him at work or anything, he went to the gym with Ellis to start getting ready for EMX. He wore shorts and took his shoes off and everything. A woman in Virginia was arrested for running an illegal strip club out of her house. Police found out when someone called the police to complain about the price of drinks, a whole $2 each. Tim Kennedy stopped into the studio, he’s a professional MMA fighter and special forces operator. He had two fights against Mayhem Miller, winning one and losing one, he called the fights fun and it sounds like he wouldn’t be against another one for final supremacy. He participated in halftime push ups, he called out Tully for doing halfies, and then he did 1 extra because he can. According to Tim, Bisping has an English midget in his entourage who was constantly trash talking him. He was an entertaining guest and clearly still has his wits about him. He also mentions Chael Sonnen has great hair, with Kenny Florian coming in second, and he is not turned on in the least by female fighters.
Hey. Some lady had her baby on the train of her wedding dress. I’m not sure how that’s news, but if you’re inclined to do so, you can find the story on the lines. Ellis says if he ever gets married again, he wants it to be on a pirate ship with just his wedding party. He wants to stand up & steer and drink and talk and stuff. Am I the only one who feels like Ellis has been bringing up marriage a lot more since his heart stuff? Anyway, the show has two new interns now, Trevor and Nate. Both are 21 I believe, both are virgins, and one of them has a beard – I’m not sure which one, I think it might be Nate. Also, one of them (Trevor) kind of sounds a lot like the previous intern, Hardcore. One of them, I assume the one that sounds like Hardcore, isn’t that big of a fan of the show, or so it seems. Trevor doesn’t say much and answered every question with one word answers, it was weird. Nate wants to be a radio host, but only if he’s good at it and people like him. Neither one of them are into dating, Nate likes his free time and not having to be answering to no bitch. Nate has also gotten high before, he likes bowling, eating, and plans on getting high again in the future. Trevor likes to go off-roading, in his Jeep Cherokee. He really seems untrustworthy, like the kind of intern that’d poison your coffee. He hangs out by himself and plays Splinter Cell. Their first test to see who is the better intern, Ellis sent them off to get syringes. First one back was Nate, Trevor was just not as resourceful and chose to follow Nate, ensuring his loss. And there you have it, Monday’s recap all gift wrapped, with ribbons and a bow, because gosh darn it, you deserve it. Now go enjoy your evening of food, masturbation, and eating the food you’ve fucked. Baby, you’s nasty.
PFFSSHHHHH. It’s Monday, who cares. Ellis says it ain’t easy being cute if you don’t have fur, and skin is gross. World War Z has somehow become the highest grossing movie of Brad Pitt’s career and that leaves everyone confused because how the fuck is that possible? There’s so few quality movies being made in Hollywood that young and upcoming actors and writers are all like, “Big whoop, wanna fight about it?” I missed about 20 minutes and came back to baby Wolf Wipes, manly wipes for your manly ass. This spawned some conversation about other possible Wolf products, such as Wolf Moisturizer. 2 Chainz is gonna go broke because he’s not a savvy money saver. Remember that fish that thrives in Peru and loves to eat testicles? Now the fuckers are in a like in Illinois and a lake in Denmark. These motherfuckers have passports and travel, people! Watch your balls! After watching The Last Stand, Tully thinks Arnold Schwarzenegger has grown to be a better actor, but doesn’t get how he drove like 1,300 miles without ever stopping for a tank of gas. Ellis sold his jet ski, it’s going to a better home because Ellis has been neglecting it and it’s starting to show signs of depression and rebellion.
Ellis went hard in the kiddie pool over the weekend and he his now known as the fart monster. This is because he went to sit down in the water, had a pocket of air trapped in his shorts and bubbles came out. That’s when his ruthless children teased and tormented him as the fart monster. Tully’s kid had himself a little play date with his little screaming friend and he had to supervise all that shit. What’s the common thread between the two stories here? White people and how much they suck. Do families still go on vacation together and everyone wears matching shit like the Griswold’s? Yup. They sure do! Ellis caught some dad checking Katie out at the water park while his kid was drowning and Ellis had to tell the guy, “hey, you’re kid is drowning, dude” causing the guy to go back into dad mode for a minute. Hope he has good spank bank memory, too bad it’ll be forever stored right next to the image of his kid almost drowning. Lil Miss Ellis sent in a few Instagrams of him singing to Death! Death! Die! and a Michael Tully song for his chance to win an opportunity to sing with the band at EllisMania 9. Here’s him doing Awesome World, Load, and Will A Blank (from Retrofit). WolfknifeScottStapp sent in his video as well. So did DustyGrant57, singing U Can Go Fuck Urself. I think there was another one or two but I can’t find them.
A couple in Tennessee are the latest in stupid parents that shouldn’t be parents. They couldn’t decide on a last name for their newborn son “Messiah”, and asked a judge, who told them to pick a different first name. This brought up all the other stupid names parents have tried naming their children, and there is no shortage of horrible names, you hear me Nicholas? According Tully, there was a time where he wouldn’t answer to anything but “Little Lenny” and then of course there’s Josh who wouldn’t answer to anything but the sound of coins being dropped in his piggy bank. HEYOH! (haha love ya buddy) Elon Musk, the guy behind Tesla Motors has unveiled his designs for the Hyperloop, a superfast transport system based on pressure tubes and levitating cars. Next up was a game to find out which search terms return more Google results. There were a few surprises, but for the most part the results were mostly what you’d expect. And in the 800 pound, crazy monkey in the room news, Uncle Mayhem has been arrested again for domestic violence.
Antonio Banderas and Mel Gibson have been confirmed in the line-up for The Expendables 3, joining Ronda Rousey, Harrison Ford, and a shitload more. There’s a new residential skyscraper in Spain that’s supposed to symbolize the economic turn-around in Spain or some shit like that, but the architects forgot to put elevators in it and have since resigned. Mexicans, am I right? HEYOH! (haha Love ya Spaniards and Mexicans) And now, kiddies, it’s story time! One time, my best friend caught me jacking off while sniffing his sister’s panties. Funny thing is she was still wearing them. Needless to say, it made her funeral very awkward. OH!
Happy Tuesday readers, it’s me, bitPimps, filling in for the birthday boy, shit_toboggan. Have you wished him a happy birthday yet and told him how beautiful his cock is? Fantastic, let’s see what was in store for us today on the show! Did you know that most people have shit on their hands? It’s true. Ellis is running with world champion boxers, not underwear, but actual people. I mean, he probably still wears underwear too, but you get what I’m saying. He feels as tired as Lance Armstrong’s dead ball. Tully thought it was crazy to have a slice of cucumber in his water, turns out though that he now thinks it’s the shit. Big day at Tully’s childhood home in the past. His sister got a piece of brillo pad in her spaghetti, they told the manager and then BAM! Free dessert for the whole family! Who says getting terrible shit in your food has to be a bad thing, right? Tully once hooked up with an Irish chick he wanted his wet American dick because she knew she’d never make it to America. Freedom wad! Wads for peace! Red, white, and wad! They may take our wad, but they’ll never take our FREEDOM! Ok. Did I beat that into the ground yet?
Jude stopped on the show today, he’s feeling all inspired now that Ellis is training, Tully is starting his road to fitness, and Rawdog has been doing his workouts. Now Jude’s starting to ramp up his exercise routines and says he started porking out a bit while he was in New York. Jude was banging this chick the other day (he didn’t gas out), his buddy comes over to pick up some pills, so he talked the chick into a threesome with his buddy. He fronted pills to his pal and got him a blowjob from the chick, and then when his friend goes to leave, he says, “you got a bit of belly there!” I assume that dude knows that non-sharing mushroom chick that Rawdog knows. Jude thinks poor people have AIDs, and that’s why you shouldn’t fuck poor people. Maybe that’s why Jude got kicked off the Instagrams for the third time. RIP JuderMcDuder. Now that Jude dresses like the oppressor, nobody in Detroit will talk to him anymore, including his friends. First time in the history of the universe we got to hear a new song from Death! Death! Die! (featuring Dingo & Rude Jude), called Jack The Cunt.
A post office in Alabama was evacuated last week after a package started leaking liquid, and some Bamites (?) were rushed to the hospital only to find out the leaking liquid was KY lube. Mayhem was in the news recently, while wielding a knife, he said a comeback to the cage is possible after he has 2 knee surgeries. Speaking of comebacks, Tito Ortiz had posted a now removed post & picture of him on the steps of the Bellator offices and said something inferring he might be fighting for them, but then says “time to look elsewhere”, so who knows. And speaking of t-shirt companies, Ellis is trying to come up with t-shirt ideas. Fans of the show can draw up their own designs and if chosen, Ellis will collaborate on it with you and give you some free shit for your troubles! Send your submissions to email@example.com between now and August 15th. Rumor is spreading that Michael Bisping got knocked out while training at Wild Card for being a dick, but that’s just a rumor as of right now. A woman in Tennessee went to see a doctor, and instead of needing a backiotomy, the doctor diagnosed her with “Ghetto Booty.” He gave her some pain pills and then presumably told her shake it like a saltshaker because she got all like “word?” and he was all like “what?” The Onion put out a story that George Zimmerman won the lottery and shitload of people fell for it, not knowing The Onion is a satire news site. A guy in Seattle crashed and 8-year-olds birthday party, stole 2 slices of pizza and some balloon animals like a god damned legend! Apparently there is a Swollen Members song called Kyla and at the very end of the song, you can hear Ellis and others screaming Red Dragons.
It’s Tuesday July 16, 1968 and it’s New Music Tuesday time. And that’s all I can really tell you about it, otherwise it might rip a hole in the space-time continuum and then we’re all fucked. In reality, I can’t tell you because my kid had her iPod stolen so I had to deal with that shit while they were going through NMT. Awesome. Good times, good times. Hollywood news time. And that’s all I can really tell you about that as well, otherwise I’d have to give two shits, and I don’t. And with that, I’ll leave you with this. What did the Mexican get for Christmas? My daughter’s fucking iPod! OH? Nah, that’s not that funny, I’m just mad. Let me try again. An African American boy and his dad are taking a walk on the beach. Suddenly, the boy notices a Caucasian boy and his dad, and the white boy holding his dad’s penis. The African American boy sees this and wants to do the same. So he proceeds to ask his dad, “Daddy, can I hold your penis while we’re walking?” His dad says, “No, you cannot.” “But, please! Let me hold it.” said the boy. The dad replies, “No, I wont let you do that” The boy demands, “I WANT TO HOLD IT, COME ON!” So the dad finally replies, “Okay, okay! But stay where I can see you!” OH!