Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/27/2012

Remember the first time you saw Cumtard? Of course you do.

It’s Tuesday and nobody really knows anyone until you see them flip the fuck out. Example: Tully punched a bed once. Actually, that’s slightly misleading as Tully confirmed he’s the kind of guy that would plot your death if he were mad enough. Rawdog cried when he broke up with his chick. But hey, Usher and Justin Timberlake have cried before too, so don’t be a mother motherfucker. Speaking of Ursher (as Ludacris likes to call him) he’s a shitty singer but a good dancer, at least that’s what we hear. But can Ursher dance if his goddamned life is on the line? Probably not, he’s gonna die. There might be a dance off between the guys, the gauntlet seems to have been thrown down so we’ll have to see what kind of thuggery comes from this. Ellis thinks he may have damaged his secondary dick vein, not the main vein, we’re talking about the taggling dummy on the right side. Let’s hope this doesn’t have an adverse effect on his dance moves, should the dance off take place. It’s been suggested that Cumtard, the reverse fag-hag, could sell his own greatest hits album full of farts, vomits, and shits – for the low, low, price of $1.99! But the real question is, can dude dance his ass off? According to Cumtard, the majority of girls at a metal show are swampy, fat, beach ball chicks, which sounds a lot like a Juggalette.

Hell to the yeah they are baby, and that’s why we love you failed Hollywood starlets.

I don’t know if Satan just visited the phone lines or what the fuck went on, but callers were totally out of their shit shellacked gashes just before first break today. Hollywood news time, that crazy kid from Two and a Half Men? He’s still insane, and the guy in his whack job video that sat next to him? He had a pistol jammed in that kid’s ribs the entire time. Actually, that’s probably not true, but it would’ve made for a way better story. Remember Anna Nicole Smith? Her 6-year-old daughter wants to be a Guess model. No word on if she’s preparing by doing bumps of Fun Dip. Brad Pitt is filming a new movie, so your wives, girlfriends, what have you can diddle their axe gashes to that. He dumped $1,100 dollars into a charity bucket on a whim, he also dropped a load in several hot bitches’ buckets – allegedly. Halle Berry, Matthew McConaughey, and Jared Leto – what do they all have in common? Gout. That’s not true either, Leto had gout, Berry had bad relationships, and McConaughey had his run, so lets move on. R. Kelly is illiterate and pees on underage girls – Red Dragons, and Dolly Parton entered a drag competition and lost to others who were dressed as her – ouch.

Never doubt yourself, if these shitheads can make an album, you can do something too! I don’t know about defying gravity like this dude, but still.

You ever surfed on a red wave? And I don’t mean “have you ever eaten a chicks gash while she was on her period” kind of red wave, I mean a real, salt water, ocean – that’s red though. Me neither. But you know what we’ve all done? NMT. Alicia Keys was up first with Nicki Minaj and that bitch will give you gash rash. Next up was someone whose name sounded like “nostrils” so I was expecting something completely different. 50 Cent was up next, I don’t know how the fuck Adam Levine worked his skinny gash into the mix, but I don’t think it ups his street cred at all. Roc Marciano was up next, he used to part of Flipmode Squad and I’m guessing he wishes he still was, because the track we heard sucked a red wave. Yes, that kind. I don’t remember the rest, there was some jazz and jazzcult, but no jizzcult. More gash news, some dude was married to this chick for 20 years, turns out that chick he was married to was born a man. BA-ZING! You just got gashed, son!

Fuck it, I’m outta here. This re-cap is complete.

Final calls, let’s see if they’re anywhere near as fucktarded as today’s earlier calls. I walked in on the last part of Rawdog doing some freestyle rap – unfortunately, I have no idea what that was about. Some dude called about his snooping ass girlfriend getting mad at him for watching porn and I think I heard something about her never masturbating before – which has to be pure bullshit. Quick question. Would you lose respect for Rob Dyrdek if you caught him masturbating eight guys in his backyard? Well, this is the type of shit you need to start thinking about! Back to final calls. People still just don’t get it. People keep completely dropping the ball here. I’m going to give you a helpful tip, honestly. If you get through and the music starts playing at the end of the show – take advantage of the shit by SPEAKING, FARTING, SINGING, ANYTHING! Seriously, it doesn’t matter, the airwaves are yours! Alright, now that we have PSA out of the way, let’s talk about that massive bump on your mother’s forehead and how it got there. When she was little, people used to hang her from a clothesline and spin her until she puked. That’s not what did it though. Turns out, stopping her from spinning by using a shovel is what gave her the bump and the mental capacity of a 7-year-old. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 11/12/2012

Mom, Dad… One day I’m going to grow up and become the Tsar of Candyland!

It’s Monday and the only thing that could be worse would be if your wiener was so chapped, it just kept flaking and peeling until you were left with a nub. You on your ass game? Keeping that shit smooth and buttery? No? Ellis is. According to Ellis and Tully, Rawdog is looking mello today, like a smooth criminal. His beauty secret? He’s tired and didn’t use any product in his hair. It’s finally starting to sink in, Rawdog is going to have to suck on a dead horse’s dick – and it’s starting to trouble him. Especially when he thinks about his parents seeing pictures of him suck on said dead horse’s dick, and how he’s going to have to explain that to his parents. How will this happen? Because he’s friends with his parents on Facebook. What’s more? They hate Ellis, allegedly. He’s asked them at times to not listen to the show, but sometimes they still do. One way that was discussed to get them to butt out of his work life a little… take pictures of himself fucking his mom’s underwear and send her the pictures. Tully was name dropping some big guns, speaking of him walking / talking with Cameron Crowe, only to end up walking into a room only to see some other famous person and Elton John playing The Bitch Is Back. Ellis went to see Guns N’ Roses this weekend, said they sucked and Axl Rose sucked, but has stage presence, and I don’t think any of us listeners were surprised by that news.

One of the bigger differences between men and women?

Here we go, Hollywood news time. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up, but wait! There may still be hope for the two forlorn, star crossed, lovers. Prepubescent teens and grown ups everywhere are devastated, but hopeful. Elmo of Sesame Street fame, actually the man (Kevin Clash) that does Elmo’s voice, is denying that he molested a 16 year-old boy. Instead, he waited until the boy was 18, and then fucked him senseless. Something again about Lindsay Lohan and a Barbara Walters interview. I don’t know, I’m still puking / making jokes about Elmo molesting children. Matthew McConaughey has looks like he has AIDs, it’s for a role in some new movie he’s doing – I think it’s called Elmo Strikes Again. The Mowgli’s (of Death! Death! Die! fame) will be on Leno sometime in the upcoming days, so shout out to those happy indie pop-rock artists of the future.

If robots want to become women, this is how it can be done.

CIA Director David Petraeus resigned amid an extra-marital affair and people are full on circle jerking about his judgement and decision making. But what women and their decision making, am I right? HA-HA! There was some kind of big brawl in NASCAR’s Sprint Cup race over the weekend. Some feller crashed into another good’ole boy, who later crashed into that first daggum sunnuva-gun too, then there was some bull malarkey in the gal-durned pits, dude ran to a NASCAR trailer and by golly if other dude didn’t trot on over to fight that dude, but then all these other dudes from dem der pits startied fighting other pit dudes, and then everyone high fived, drank beers, hit women, and shit ike-at. YEEHAW, YOU SONS A BITCHES!!! Do you know the secret to a longer, healthier, and happier life? No, it’s not NASCAR, it’s sex bots! Except the big problem with that is, they don’t actually exist yet so until I get to fuck a sex bot, I’m calling bullshit. However, I will fully back a US Rapebot for freedom and democracy across the globe, and until every man, woman, and child has been raped by a robot until they are free – I will not rest. Bad news on the home front today, your mom got stuck in a tree. But it’s okay now, the noose was cut and she is now out of the tree and tied to a bumper. OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 7/18/2012

As many of you are hobbling through this week, some still suffering your post EllisMania depression, we learn that Jason’s love tap he received from Mayhem is a torn MCL. For those not too familiar with human anatomy, the MCL is the doohickey that is connected to the thingamajig and controls the whatsit. Pretty basic stuff. Ellis’s vacation in Cabo is set and he is looking forward to it. He believes that he will return a changed man, and Mexico has a strange way of doing just that. I myself can never look at a donkey and a middle aged Senorita in fishnets the same way again. Matthew McConaughey was mentioned and due to the noise of heavy machinery all i heard was bits and pieces that not only declare but support the reason that he is one of the coolest dudes ever.

Paul Gaylord, from Prineville, Oregon, got the Bubonic Plague when he was wrestalin with some pusssayyyyy! If you live in Oregon and like your fingers don’t pet the stray kitty. This public service announcement has been brought to you by this guy. A pair of girls was attacked by a beaver. I swear I’ve heard this joke in a bar somewhere. And in New Guinea there are Cannibal Cults, not to be confused with Cannibal Corpse, that are eating the dicks of men, not to be confused with Nickelback. Also in New Guinea there is a fish that loves the nuts, but unfortunately we all know fish don’t have lips so this is a rather toothy fellating. Wear a cup. Speaking of sucking nuts, Chick-Fil-A doesn’t back gay marriage. In fact the owner or CEO or Head Fucktard came out in the press saying that they don’t think its right or some shit. This is going to start a massive protest at their chicken sandwich franchises and they should be prepared for absolutely fabulous looking picketers, glitter bombings, and the endless hours of Cher songs.

Today was Worlds Greatest Wednesday and the subject was, The Worlds Greatest Thing To Do In The Last Hour Of Your Life. And your final top 10 are…..

10. Hunting deer with a cruise missle

9.   Have gay sex in a Chick-Fil-A resturant

8.   Make a celebrity sex tape with Oprah on a pile of money

7.   Smoke a joint with Willie Nelson

6.   Viewkkake: Shooting your load on the entire cast of The View

5.   Impregnating maids with Arnold Schwarzenegger

4.   Real life “Fuck, Marry, Kill”

3.   Charity jam a bunch of hot chicks with AIDS and Herpes

2.   Create a rollerblading contest, hosted by Nickelback, and blow up the building

and your winner, thanks to Shantanee and her mega 10 million vote, is…..

1.   Frame Jay Leno for murder!

I’m really going to need some Preparation H

Speaking of murder, I saw yer mum at the Chick-Fil-A, and no, she wasn’t giving blow jobs for sandwiches, that’s uncalled for. She was however, taking bets on how many she could fit up her slam box. Want to know the winning number? So do I, when I last checked she was still cramming them up her greasy snatch hole like it was a garbage disposal, OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 4/25/2012

Hello and welcome my friends to another wonderfully insightful edition of The Jason Ellis Show Re-Cap.   Today started out with the boys going a bit Eco friendly.  Grass topped bars, grass carpets, and log cars.  These seem like interesting ideas until you start thinking, who’s gonna mow the bar?  And if you throw up will there be a dead spot.  Would dogs be allowed in, and who’s cleaning up that mess?  Probably best to just leave things the way they are.  Well punch me in the cock, Rawdog had a rather successful date. At least as successful as one would expect from Rumble McTumble Bum.  This mystery internet woman seems very impressed with Josh and even said he looks better in person than on his profile pic. Fist Bump.  I believe it is safe to say this girl will be swallowing some Tussin in the near future if you know what I’m saying.  Yeah, you know what I’m saying. Today is also Rude Juduesday and Jude ruffled some feathers when he came in wearing a Vick jersey and totally defended dog fighting. Said dogs aren’t humans & he don’t give a fuck about a dog. This struck a nerve with many as expected but a mans opinion is his own.

Teens are fucktarded, as we all know.  But they have brought it to a whole new level, they are drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk.  What ever happened to the good ol grab and dash? That was a highly effective way of getting booze. Kids these days.  We also heard some fucking awesome mash ups and parody songs, so shout out to Cruiser Boy and Mike Higgins, great job dudes. Jason’s book is now on the New York Times Best Seller list at number 23. That’s a huge fucking accomplishment from a dude who “can’t read or write.”

A guy named Gordy called the VIP line.  This lucky 19 year old bastard got the number from his copy of I’m Awesome but not the circle jerk names. Hope is still out there, don’t give up.  Other news, Octomom is a hoe bag and Chis Angel is a douche, as if we didn’t already know.

A bit of serious information, between May 8th and May 22nd download the song “Long Time” by Everlast. Precedes will help to find a better treatment for Cystic Fibrosis.

And I know that you are reading this Mr. McConaughey so will you please get your shirtless ass into the show, and Matthew, we can do this the easy way or the, aww fuck it, I can’t remember the quote.  Much like I can’t ever remember what your mum says because it just sounds like shes gargling cum. And she is, OH!