Hi everybody! It was great seeing you all in Vegas, what a blast we had together! I met so many new faces, we shared laughter, stories, food, and good times. We’ve got a lot to cover today, so let’s just dive right into it, shall we? So today’s show was pre-taped, yesterday, about the events from the day before, but aired on Faction today. Let’s try and do this. It’s really not that hard. We already covered Friday’s live show, but we didn’t get to talk about HATEBEAN’s first and last performance that night, nor the Tiger Box concert later that same night, after HATEBEAN! Only HATEBEAN was live on OfficialJasonEllis.com, Tiger Box however, was not – though I believe it was filmed and will eventually be on the site as well. See? Simple, right? Continue reading
Welcome to the Friday recap live from Racers Edge in Burbank California! Actually it’s not live, or in California. I’m not even sure this is going to be posted on Friday, and that is the gift I bring you, spontaneity and procrastination. As many of you already know the Jason Ellis Show was live today from the go-kart track. Unlike the last time they were at Racers Edge, they have full reign of the place which makes things way easier to listen to. The first race up was the “listeners race” featuring such celebrities as Fonzo Blunt. Waiting for the next race, Tully told us a funny story about Shy Laboof getting arrested. I missed the name of the winner for the listener race, and I also forgot the name of the next race but I can tell you that this race has another celebrity in it, Greg Fitzsimmons. Not as impressive as Fonzo but still cool. I stepped away to get lunch and when I came back Kit Cope was bitching about the other racers that were blocking him and not letting him win, it was almost as of they were racing and trying to not lose.
Frank from The Fank Show joined the crew after the break. But more important than Frank are the hot chicks that Frank brought with him. I’m not sure what all of their names are except the one that’s last name is Shocker. Like “the shocker” “two in the pink, one in the stink!” Yeah that shocker and writing about that chicks last name is far more interesting than listening to them talk and try to learn the best way to drive the karts. Jason and Dingo took off to race leaving Christian and Tully to do their best to make these two girls interesting. Good job guys, you did the best you could with what you had. Dingo won the race with Ellis close behind then they
hit on talked to the ladies there again. And that’s all I have to say about that.
There is an email being sent throughout the Denver EPA offices asking people to stop shitting in the hallway. And speaking of shitting in the hallway, we got to hear the girls talk about their race and bla bla bla. Not gonna lie, these girls suck at radio. But then Kevin came in to save the day and move the show along. Kevin brought the wheel of doom and being the good sport that he is he gave it a spin. Lucky him, Country Time! After Kevin finished his glass of
piss lemonade Ellis had the ladies talk with the speech jammer. Riveting. The final race of this spectacular event was the Vagisil 5000. It was an exciting race with the winners being Emily in 3rd, Tully 2nd, and Hotdog walking away with the golden tampon trophy.
The final race of the day is the relay race. The fastest three drivers paired with the slowest three drivers. Dingo and Ellis started strong with Kit spinning out and falling a lap behind.
The switch off was
And in the last half something happened that immediately stopped the race and will probably require a written apology from Sirius XM and The Jason Ellis Show to Racers Edge. But I’m pretty sure they were warned so fuck them. So this concludes today’s live recap from Racers Edge. Have a safe Fourth of July, and remember, just because yer mum shoots bottle rockets from her swamp crotch doesn’t mean you have to also, OH!
I would like to thank Wayne, Emily, John, Amy, Shantanee, Stephanie, Christian, and Dingo for the pictures.
It’s the aftermath of EllisMania 9, some of you are probably still drunk and some of probably feel like you need to push your eyeballs back into your heads and shave your tongues. We got a shitload to get to today, so bare with me. Ellis is still feeling the effects of the weekend, he came back with more free shit than what he left with. He’s super happy with everyone and how things went even though this EllisMania wasn’t quite as polished – but it still worked and it worked good. The fans were cool for the most part, but there were a few that had way too much to drink, which made it hard for Ellis to talk to them. With people that drink too much, comes more chances for drama, and there was some drama. Shit. Wait. I already fucked up. First, I should tell you that Dingo is in studio today, which is impressive, but Rawdog is not in studio today, and it sounds like there is a story behind it – but we’ll get into that later. Okay, now that we have that cleared up, let’s keep moving forward by going back to the past. So when Ellis arrived in Vegas and found out he didn’t have his usual room, Katie was expecting Ellis to flip out. He didn’t, at all. He was fine and the room that he did get was the tits so he was still in a good mood. Okay, now let’s hop to Saturday night really quick. Tim Sabean was there and has told Wilson how impressed he was with not only the event, but with how Ellis fought. He was impressed enough that he actually sent some video and pictures to his bosses and told them they had to see it and how impressive it was. Also, Tully is into fisting and Wilson, as we all know, is into lanyards, saw the EllisFam lanyard and really wants one – you listening @Wolfman812?
Back to Friday’s live broadcast from Vegas. For as much as nothing was really planned and nobody showed up for weigh-in’s, the radio show still worked and worked well. Plus, Ellis may have allegedly saw a bit of vagoo, along with 50 other fans of the show. Sam Ruben made a call into the show today to yammer on about himself a little and talk about how his fake fight went with Tera Patrick. Ellis called him out about emailing the show asking to make sure he doesn’t get hit in the face, yet wanting to have a “real” fight, potentially with Tully. Ellis and Tully wouldn’t let Sam wiggle in his bullshit about wanting to have a real fight but not wanting to get hit in the face. Sam tried to save a little face, but they weren’t about to let him off the hook that easily. Who cares, he’s a weasel. Now, back to Friday, this time at the Death! Death! Die! show. Apparently Christian was fucking up pretty good, which made everyone else in the band feel better about their performance since Shoebox is pretty much the most professional musician in the band. Even with the mistakes, the guys felt like the show was probably the best show they’ve put on. Several fans got to go up and try singing with the band, but one fan, Zach, seemed to stand out for singing Pain of Time.
Now, here’s your fair warning. Go grab your popcorn or whatever snack of your choice, grab yourself a drink, hit the bathroom, make sure you’re comfortable, and get ready for the inevitable EllisMania 9 drama for your baby mama that accompanies any large gathering of drunk people.
So why isn’t Josh there today? Apparently Friday night got a little fucked up, there was some drama, and now Josh and Ellis aren’t cool with each other right now. Friday night, Rawdog called up Ellis saying he and his girlfriend needed to go to Ellis’ room and talk to him right away. Ellis was trying to relax and stay in the zone for his fight and told Josh to just tell him on the phone since they’re on the phone with each other right now, not to mention Ellis isn’t too fond of Josh’s girlfriend. Josh proceeds to tell Ellis that someone in his and his girlfriend’s group of friends had gotten drugged, something slipped in their drink, at the Circle Bar and claimed it was a very well known and longtime member of EllisFam. This EllisFam member (who shall remain anonymous) is well known for buying drinks for people, expensive drinks at that, and just enjoys doing that sort of thing and always has. From the sounds of it, Ellis basically asked what they wanted him to do about it, he wasn’t there, he didn’t know what was going on, he didn’t drug anyone, and there was nothing he could do. Josh says that he didn’t ask Ellis to do anything, he was merely asking if Ellis would talk to his girlfriend and maybe tell her what she should do. The paramedics were called and the guy who they thought had gotten drugged was still awake, responding, and generally just sick. In-studio roofie experts Dingo and Christian Hand both said they know people who have been roofied before and the guy showed none of those symptoms. Dingo also claimed that there is a rash of roofie slipping go around Las Vegas lately, but mainly as a tool to rob people. The EllisFam member in question was seen on security footage purchasing and giving drinks to Rawdog and his girlfriend, but was never seen doing anything to the drinks. Christian and Will did all but vouch for this EllisFam member as they have hung out with them on many different occasions and have talked to him extensively at this and previous EllisManias. The EllisFam member was distraught that they were being accused and felt horrible about the incident, and later had talked to Christian after being exonerated by security. The overall consensus in the studio is that this EllisFam member did not poison anyone and that the guy Josh & his girlfriend believe was drugged did not get roofied, maybe they were given something else, or were just super-hyper drunk or something, but it wasn’t roofies and it wasn’t the person who they accused. Josh’s girlfriend said on Twitter that it wasn’t that they wanted Ellis to do anything but show some concern, and so she and Josh think Ellis should call and apologize to his girlfriend. Ellis says there’s nothing for him to apologize for, Will, Tully, Dingo, and Christian seem to agree. Ellis says he still loves Josh, he’s not going to fire him or anything like that, he feels this is more about Josh’s girlfriend instead of Josh, he understands that Josh is put into a position, he knows this and radio is hard for Josh, he does not want anyone giving Josh any kind of shit over this, and says that it will all work out one way or another. And there you have it, that was the story that was told to the listeners. While you’re free to make your own judgments, why would you? It doesn’t involve you (most likely) and you only know what has been told to you on the radio. These things have a way of working out on their own, one way or another.
What? You want more drama? Well good news for you then, there was no shortage of drama. Here’s the next scandalous story to come out of EllisMania 9. Word on the street is that Gabe punched a fan at Body English later Saturday night after his fight with Ellis. Ellis was on his way to meet Gabe for a congratulatory drink and when he gets there, the drama is already in full swing and people are telling him that Gabe has punched one of the fans. The security guard told Ellis that he had been standing there the whole time and that Gabe didn’t “do shit”, but several fans came to say otherwise. So for Ellis, it was another situation that everyone wanted him to do something that he knows nothing about, that may or may not have happened (conflicting stories when he first arrives), even though it had nothing to do with him. Ellis is once again asked to do something on behalf of somebody without having any prior knowledge of, other than what a few people are telling him and he knows everyone has been drinking. Other than that, he’s clueless as to what has transpired because he wasn’t there. Ellis feels like people are mad at him for not doing something about something he has no idea about. Ellis isn’t security, but he wants everything to go smoothly and wants everyone to have a good time. He doesn’t know what to do, nobody would. If you ask a security person, they would just remove everyone involved, wipe their hands clear of the ordeal, and let the police deal with it. The guy that allegedly got punched Johnathan (@puttyman5000?) called into the show to explain his side of the story. He says his wife (@AmeralReid) was wanting to take a photo with Gabe and that out of the blue, Gabe shoved her aside and then punched him. He said he didn’t hear exactly what was said between his wife and Gabe because it was loud and suddenly he ate a knuckle sandwich. Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard asked if he or his wife had a previous conversation with Gabe, he said no, he was completely sober. So basically, he’s saying Gabe, just out of the blue, shoved his wife and punched him for absolutely no apparent reason. Security asked if they wanted to push the issue, get the police involved, etc. and he declined because he didn’t want it to go there. Ellis apologized and he’s not completely dismissing the caller’s claims because there were at least two other people who were completely sober that told Ellis that Gabe did in fact punch this guy. The caller swears that he and his wife didn’t say a word to Gabe, other than asking for a picture, his words: “I don’t think so”, but the story floating around is that either him or his wife were starting to get a little fresh with Gabe. He then admits that there was indeed a previous conversation earlier in the night and mentioned Gabe saying something like “that guy was smirking at me” and I guess that is what they are saying “might” have been the motivating factor in Gabe punching him? I don’t know. I wasn’t there, so I’m just going by what the caller said. Whether the fan was “smirking” at Gabe doesn’t matter, that doesn’t warrant someone punching you, everyone agrees with that. As the guys tried to dig a little deeper to clear things up, the story just got murkier and murkier and it appears that the two main stories going around both conflict each other. Without knowing exactly what went down, again, Ellis apologized to the caller, was glad he wasn’t hurt, and thanked him for coming. Then, the wife of the caller, called in to tell her side of the story! She said that everyone was messing with Gabe on Twitter (pre-fight trash talk I assume) and that she participated but didn’t say anything inappropriate, was “just joking around, and thought it was all in good fun” and that when she got back to her room after the fight meeting, Gabe had tweeted her back to say, “I saw you there but you didn’t have anything to say to my face.” (7:39 PM October 12, 2013) Not exactly what he said, but close enough. So she claims she said “it’s cool, no problem, good luck, have fun tonight” (7:52 PM October 12, 2013) which isn’t exactly what she said, but again, close enough. So far, it appears that she meant no ill will and from what one can tell from tweets alone, everything seemed pretty cordial so far. As far as the Twitter world knows anyway. i’m not weighing in on one side or the other, I’m just trying to relay what has been said and what has been claimed was said. She then says she went up to Gabe and asked for a photo and that Gabe was just like “fuck you, you talk shit about me”, etc. Then she says the reason why Gabe had punched her husband was because he said “that guy right there, that guy hates me.” (Gabe talking to her about her husband) She says, “What? That guy wasn’t even talking to you.” She says Gabe responds, “Why is that guy glaring at me know?” She says, “You know what Gabe, never mind now, it’s cool, like, I don’t want a photo with you.” And that’s when she turned around and Gabe pushed her and punched her husband. She says her husband has a bruise on his cheek and a fat lip to prove it, and she thinks Gabe has to say he didn’t do anything (eluding to legality and professional issues) and that security people told her that she had attacked Gabe and that if they pressed charges against Gabe, Gabe would press charges against her and her husband, and everyone was going to jail. So that’s when she said her and her husband walked away, left on their own, decided to “go to the Circle Bar because they didn’t want to cause any problems or to be the people that bring the drama,” so they left and she says Gabe continued to talk shit on Twitter about her. If you want to see more of the back and forth, start where they left off. She called Gabe a piece of shit, he asks what she’s talking about, is it because he didn’t take a picture with her, she says fuck off, you hit my husband and are a liar, he says no you are, says lets talk in person, she says they didn’t get kicked out, yada, yada, yada. Again, I don’t know what went down and I’m not involving myself in it. I don’t know who is in the wrong or the right. I wasn’t there. Just telling you what was said and what was on Twitter. And then the bell rang and we were out of school and went home to have a snack and watch cartoons. The end.
Did Wilson have a date on Saturday? Turns out, he went to the fight with Erika Ashley (@Erika_Ash). She might not know it was a date. But it totally was. In Will’s mind. Erika didn’t have a ticket, he had an extra ticket, so… you know. Once Will realized he wasn’t getting any of that Erika, he also paid for a ticket for Tim Sabean. Tim might not know it was a date, but it totally was. In Will’s mind. Will didn’t get any of the Tim either, and I guess nobody else could be bought with tickets, so… HAHAA The guys kept jabbing at Will and his “date” with Erika until he ran out of the studio, it was hilarious. Then Ellis talked about his fight was Gabe and how well Gabe did. He also mentioned how he got angry at one point during the fight, dropped his hands and charged after Gabe and kind of got caught. He was getting gassed so he used his rage to muster up enough energy to keep go after Gabe, missing some upper cuts, chased him and caught him twice and put him down. Ellis knew the punches just skimmed Gabe, so he wasn’t very happy about how he performed, but then again he didn’t lose, he’s a better fighter, and everyone had a lot of fun – so he’s not beating himself up over it.
The Vatican commissioned over 6,000 medals to be made and turns out they misspelled Jesus’ name. Whoopsy. Sorry Lesus! There was kangaroo MMA, proving that MMA really is the fastest growing sport in the world. But who gives a shit. Lets move on.
Let’s talk about the Leprechaun or Pinata fight, where there was no pot of gold, no costumes, and no pinata, but there was a Grant Cobb. And to help with the conversation, Christian Hand came into the studio. Kit Cope and Mike Jasper were to fight off 4 different people, to fend them off the pot of gold, or in this case, Grant Cobb. Kit is just beating people up, Kenji jumped in to help swing Jasper and Kit into all the opponents who were easily making their way to Grant and beating him up. As Kenji swung Kit around, Kit was throwing a punch and WHAM-O! Right in Jasper’s face! As you can see in the picture, Jasper’s eyes are shut and he’s falling into the abyss. Jasper got his bell rung hard and hit the canvas, knocked out. Mind you, Jasper has never been knocked out in his career, his very first time getting knocked out was by his team mate at EllisMania 9. Kit goes to pick up Jasper and the opponents are all over Grant. Once Jasper gets up and says he’s okay, the fight resumes and Jasper starts kicking the shit out of everyone, Ellis is yelling for Jasper to stop but Jasper is in kill mode and didn’t hear shit, he was busing chasing people down and kicking the shit out of them. Ellis yells for Kit to tackle his team mate, Jasper, to get him to calm down before Jasper murder’s everyone in the ring. It was fucking amazing! God damn, I’m tired just writing a paragraph about it.
The people’s champ, @cogdeth.won the Musical Chair Fight with authority. Ellis kept calling him @bitPimps and everyone on Twitter had a good laugh while I tried fervently to clear cogdeth’s good name. The guys noticed he had bulked up and was throwing some hard shots. They were also amused to find out that he didn’t change out of his costume after the fights and was out partying in the Circle Bar, still in his sexy get up. The Prison Fight had it’s debut at EllisMania 9, two guys dressed as prisoners, with their hands duct taped together swinging 1 giant hammer fist at each other. @J_Chapel was easily twice the size of his opponent and had gotten slightly overzealous and pulled an accidental illegal punch. That brought in Kenji Gallo, aka MMA Elvis, (@KenjiOC) who gave him a swift kick right in the dick. The Hot Chick Fight was pretty funny as Shantanee (@Shanwize1) kept knocking herself out basically because she would spin around so fast it made her dizzy enough to fall over during each round. Alicia Leii (@AliciaLeii) was super fit as always, almost giving her an unfair advantage because she’s just too good, and.@shandategart was a force to be reconed with as well and ended up winning The Hot Chick Fight. Perry, the dude that has built 2 dick punch machines now, won his fight. I’m way too tired to even go through this one. It was cool, just trust me. Sorry for not getting to the opponents and their names and links to their Twitters. Give me a fuckin’ break, would ya? PLG won his fight against Elliot Sloan. Even though PLG had a fucking asthma attack, Elliot wanted to stop, but Dave (Sluggo’s brother) was not going to let Elliot give up. He yelled at him like a pimp demanding results from a whore that owed him money. It was fantastic. Rawdog got nicknamed “The Golden Camel Toe” because of is costume, he looked fucking awesome. He fought his heart out, at one point his leg was twitching while he was trying to get up from being knocked down by several body punches. You could see his body was telling him to quit, but the fire in his eyes was telling him to go for it. He was god damned champion and fuck you if you try to take that away from him. It was his best EllisMania performance yet and it wasn’t against a girl. He was sore and actually bummed out a bit because he really tried his best and he gave Nick a run for his money, even though Nick was built like a Cinnabon.
During the wait for Ellis to fight Gabe, Dingo, Kit, and TJ Lavin had to kill some time so they opted for an impromptu “Get the cock off your chest” segment. This is where Kit and Dingo really shined. Some guy (Mike?) had one hell of a story about fucking his very first “African American” girl, completely drunk off his ass, with little to no sleep, he even laid down in the fucking ring while the other fans that came up tried to top his story, but to no avail. And in the end, in his stupor, mentioned the chicks name, “Chocolatey” and how there may have allegedly been cocaine involved. It was a crack up / embarrassing. Ellis woke up to find that copious amounts of cigarettes and cocaine had been done in his hotel room and he probably would’ve been more upset about the ciggies if he knew any of that was going down. But he didn’t. So he’s not. Katie found a fucking note in their room to some “Lou” dude that talked about a fucking gun raid on the Palomino Strip Club and it sounded like it was straight out of the movies. This gave Tully an idea for the name for EllisMania 10: Alcohol Tabacco & Firearms. Which sounds legit as all fuck. Tully and Katie did their Onnit challenges and the people on the floor below the studio have to absolutely love it, because their jobs probably suck ass. Ellis got called out about not doing his 40 donut challenge and after have 2 hamburgers from dayum Five Guys Burgers & Fries, the intern was sent out to get 41 donuts. 40 for Ellis and 1 for Dingo. After clearing 9 donuts, Ellis was in panic mode to complete 10 before the show ended and went for it. Then he proceeded to puke it all back up during final calls, it is unclear what made him barf, final calls or a finger down his throat. And with that. I’m calling this bitch done. No fucking jokes, no tada, no nothing. Sorry if you’re disappointed. I did the best I could do. There’s only so many hours in a day and currently, my life is busier than whore with a one armed man in a fucking contest on dollar day with a mule. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, fuck it. But also, fuck. You don’t know me. You don’t know my pain. Of time. #Barf
The “Too Long; Didn’t Read” version for you
lazy I mean people who are too busy or have attended Derek Zoolander’s Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too:
- First, fuck you. I took amazingly pain-staking efforts to relay to you what exactly was said without putting in any type of opinion what-so-ever. That’s fucking hard to do. I had to listen closer than most of you do and type even closer. Don’t believe me? You try it sometime.
- Second. Holy shit. The drama parts? I paid extra close attention to because I wasn’t there, I don’t know what happened, I’m no judge, I’m no jury, and therefore I’m not able to offer any kind of opinion on. So eat shit if you think I did a bad job.
- Most people who were at EllisMania 9 are still feeling the effects.
- Overall, EllisMania 9 was a huge success and an even bigger hit.
- The fans, for the most part were awesome and helped make it a great time.
- Wilson wants an EllisFam lanyard.
- Everyone thought the Death! Death! Die! concert was kick ass.
- The entire band made mistakes, but it was fine, and the fans that got to sing did a great job.
- Josh and Ellis are temporarily not friends at the moment.
- Someone might have potentially / allegedly gotten drugged, or maybe they were just drunk.
- Gabe Ruediger might have allegedly punched a fan, for no reason or maybe for a reason. It’s a “he said, she said” situation.
- Wilson had a date or two and allegedly wanted to get blown or blow someone.
- @cogdeth won his fight and was the peoples’ champ.
- Ellis kept calling @cogdeth by my name, @bitPimps, and it was hilarious. Especially since Ellis also thinks / thought my name is / was Tim. (running joke now)
- Kit Cope accidentally knocked out his team mate, Mike Jasper, and it was funny.
- Kenji Gallo kicked @J_Chapel in the dick pretty hard and it was funny too.
- Nick Swardson came out to the sweetest music and won his fight against Rawdog.
- Rawdog did the best he’s ever done and was coined “The Golden Camel Toe” because of his costume.
- Katie made out with some chicks.
- Ellis’ hotel room was covered in cigarette smoke and cocaine and he and Dingo have a pretty good idea who was “riding the rails” (because bumps don’t really count)
- Tully and Katie resumed their Onnit challenge.
- People reminded Ellis he didn’t do the 40 donut challenge after Saturday, so on top of eating 2 fucking burgers from Five Guys, he ate donuts until final calls and then barfed all that shit up.
- I hate you all for keeping me up so late writing all this fucking shit that nobody is reading.
- But I also fucking love you all for reading this fucking shit that at least a few of you are reading.
- I think I need to poop, or maybe my stomach just hurts because I’m working 3 hours of sleep and cigarettes.
- How do I make bullet points end? Oh yeah. I remember now.
If there was ever a Friday to not give a fuck, this my friends is the mother load. Not only is it Ellis Mania 9 weekend, obvi, but its also Ellismate’s birthday today. Live at the Hard Rock hotel in the lovely Las Vegas today’s show was fucking sick. Instead of running the credits after the movie, here are the notable names you would have seen if you weren’t at home jerking like me and many others. Of course you have the usuals like The Wing, RawDog, Tully, Wilson, and the frequent fliers like Dingo, Cumtard, Katie. You have Joe Mills, Kit Cope, Kenji, and Ellis Mania legend Crazy Jerr!!! Shit man Sluggo, TJ Lavin, Butterballs and Ms. Butterballs in her I love Butterballs shirt….the fucking list goes on. Of them all, none dressed better than Jizz Cult who was none other than Butt Judge for this year’s show, a role he was born to molest play. Ellis is gonna be looking sharp himself at EM9, rocking a sweet pair of Manny Pacquiao orange boxing shoes, and yes Big Daddy Jas Cakes wears orange shoes, HAHAHAA!!! Also to add to the fight night wardrobe, a freshly shaved chest, man shit! It’s helped Ellis achieve “winning weight” and Minnesota is the “Tijuana of Canada”. Remember I told you about Will Butt Judge Pendarvis III like 2 sentences ago, he’s already taking some prey, all conveniently named Tara believe it or not. His first and quite fitting, Most Stalkable Ass. Then shit got creepy as he tagged a pregnant lady Just Like Mom Use To Make. Then shit got more creepier as some dude got Butt Judged, Hairiest Ass! Then shit got fucking hot, as Katie gave Will, the fans, the world a thesis worthy display of what an ass looks like!
Man Bags love ’em, and so does about 9 billion dollars apparently. Dingo makes man bags, well fanny packs really, but with speakers so their kinda gangster, fuck man I’m so confused right now. Then Kit Cope and Ellis got on some tirade about how when they punch each other in the face, its more sensual and meaningful than when Ellis shoved his tongue down RawDogs throat, which I just find hard to believe but you just read it on the internet, so its probably true. Enough of that shit though, lets get down to business and decide this year’s Little Miss Jason Ellis. We have three contestants this year, Amanda, Deidre, and the defending Little Miss Ellis, Jason. For the first leg of this event, each participant must answer a few questions, such as if Amanda were President and involved in RawDog’s orgy this weekend, what would she do? Film that shit, and give the proceeds to charity! She also thinks is not gay to DP and that Deidre has a shitty jacket. Deidre thinks the show needs more female guests. Jason was asked who he would murder, just in random conversation and he said Wilson of course, especially since he has a Butt Judge sticker on his ass from Will and he wasn’t sure why. Enough of that shit though – straight to the Limbo!!! Yeah, I can’t really type much about Limbo but from the sounds of it the crowd really were the winners here, well depending on your view. Other than that all you need to know is TJ Lavin has a license to drop C-Bombs, there are currently like 18 dudes willing to take part in Josh’s orgy tonight, and Ellis maybe working on a 12 woman dutch rudder, all this alleged of course!
Kenda Perez is fucking hot! I probably should just end it there since that’s all you need to give a fuck about if anything at all. Well that and there isn’t much I can really tell you other than Ellis has a stripper pole in his room and really was putting game to Kendra, but not quite enough to get her to limbo, FUCK! I guess this is as good a time as any to shout out to lets see, Kenji aka MMA Elvis, oh and of course Betsy who’s posting a very generous prize to a couple of fights for the winners choice of charity. Did I tell you Ellis has a stripper pole in his room at the Hard Rock? Hey ladies, its the Ladies Naked On It Challenge and for this, when the ladies get to the push ups, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Truthfully we’ll see how good the audio from this is but I’m spanking on it not being worthy of Shannon Shenanigans Guns Guns. Oh yeah, Ellis has a stripper pole in his fucking room no joke!
If your reading this, Death! Death! Die! has probably left the building, but I bet they fucking rocked it bro. Remember the dude who rocked the Friday show at Ellis mania 8 when he puked on the crew, you know the dude in the Super Man undies, that dude was there again sans the big boy draws. OK OK I’ll stop stalling, back to The Little Miss Jason Ellis contest and stage 3 which is none other than Celebrity Impressions. Amanda did a slightly spot on Bill Cosby and former Little Miss Ellis did a pretty hilarious real Jason Ellis, but not the real one kinda the fake one that Rawdog does, he did that! They both lost though to Deidre’s memorable Al Pacino though. This basically tied it all up so we went to a sudden death that’s not a sudden death Banana Eating Contest and to quote the immortal David Lee Roth, a little more to the left!!! Time for Ellismate to go live in the crowd for a unprecedented Dude Am I A Slut for the ladies, and Get The Cock Off Your Chest for the fellas. Unfortunate, well maybe fortunate, yeah its fortunate that it instead turned into Who Wants To Make Out With Ellis for ladies, and Who Wants To Make Out With Katie for the ladies, and the fellas can just hang tight! Well turns out there aren’t that many sluts in Vegas which I still call bullshit on, and there’s a ton of cocks on chests though which I can understand. None of them of course bigger than the cock some dude got off his chest and out his mouth, oh and some other dude DP’d his chic with a mold of himself but he was just bragging more than anything.
Welcome back as we check in with this year’s Little Miss Jason Ellis contest and it’s time for Karaoke. To start us off we were blessed with Deidre’s best attempt to rock Jerry Was A Race Car Driver which was aight. Then we got a cheesy yet very sexy Happy Birthday from Amanda to Ellis, but it wasn’t no where as good as Jason, the former Little Miss Ellis, and his bone chilling Nothing Compares which was literally spot fucking on! Somehow Deidre, I think, got another shot and went balls clit out with Angel Of Death and fucking ripped shit up, and I think it may have got her this year’s title, but I never really got clarification on that so tune in next time to find out who will be this year’s Little Miss Jason Ellis!!! Oh, and just for good measure we got to watch/hear Cumtard dance while testing out the shock collars for tomorrows fights as Kit Cope gazed at his crotch in amazement. So from all of us here at NoYouAre, and while wishing Jason Ellis a Happy Mother Fucking Birthday, you know the one where you get a cake, but not just any cake nah this one has some filthy old bukkake covered shemale who will just call your mom jump right out the middle of it and just yells at the top her her lungs, Red Fucking Dragons and kick Gabe’s ass, enjoy the show like its your last….cause ya never know!
Holy shit, it’s August already? That’s fucked up. Holy sheeit, a bird just flew three feet in front of me, dipped in the air and took a shit. I think it was trying to shit on me. Oh, and… HOLY SHIT BALLS! Ellis’ new 24-hour channel launched today! Channel 713 on Sirius XM Online and phone app only. Check it out, the future has arrived. Anyway, welcome to the re-cap, we have too much re-cap for you today! Ellis was thinking about being really tough so he can open mayonnaise jars and shit. But you don’t have to be that tough, you could be soft and still be tough, it just comes
from the back door from behind from another angle, lets say. Ellis wants to be out in the sun, he’s feeling pasty. Tully’s going to a resort this weekend to be in the sun, but he’s going with a baby. Rawdog? He’ll probably not be in the sun, he’ll be in the warm glow of his laptop. Someone keeps leaving big long black hairs all over the boards in the studio, and there’s only one person they could belong to and Rawdog knows who that is, he saw the culprit. Who is this mystery man you ask? Let’s just say he’s the producer of a show, but you’d never know he was because he’s not allowed to be heard or even seen.
Betsy came into the studio pretty much right away. She came all the way from Chicago and schooled Rawdog on where he should’ve went for pizza because apparently he went to a real shithole of a pizza place. Who is this Betsy woman you ask? She’s the girl that bid a fuckload of money for charity and a chance to sit in on the show, meet the guys, etc. Her bid was only $1000 less than the most ever bid, all-time, in Sirius XM history. Everyone is pretty tired of Tito Ortiz and his antics. So why are we talking about him? Because he’ll be fighting Rampage in Bellator on November 2nd. Remember the Red Bull heir that got arrested for a hit-and-run and killing a dude? The case still hasn’t been heard yet, but the Red Bull heir’s family has so far paid the family of the man he killed $97,000 big ones. Back to Betsy. Whose the first “special” guest they brought in for her to meet? Cumtard! Betsy get’s to pick from 1 of 3 envelopes, all of which are things she gets to do to torture Cumtard, congratulations Betsy! First up? Ball sack tractor pull, where Cumtard’s kidney stone laden cock & balls gets tied to a remote control car and Betsy controls the car in an effort to rip Cumtard’s balls off. Betsy, who said she didn’t want to even do this, floored the car, ramped it out of the studio, and mutilated Cumtard’s package.
America is a crashy culture, we like to crash into people and things with our vehicles. Thailand is a stabby culture, they like to stab people and things with their various stabbing devices. After a disappointing video of a bear vs man fight, we heard audio from a video of Urijah Faber telling his story about having to whip some Bali ass. This led us into the time Ellis got into a bar fight, stabbed in the chest with a key & head butted from an English guy, and had several people kicking him in the head while he was on the ground. Betsy is a big street fighter and boosts cars, I think I read somewhere that she shot Tupac and Biggie before they shot each other. Tully’s parents went on the TMZ bus while they were there visiting, no word on if they got to see any celebrities or if they’d even know if they did since you’re not likely see Fatty Arbuckle era celebrities. OH! Get it? Tully’s always talking about how old his parents are? They probably wouldn’t recognize the young celebrities of today? Okay then.
Next up, we have MMA news with intern Team Punishment. November 2nd Team Punishment is back as Tito Ortiz will be fighting Rampage. Sound familiar? Yes. That’s because it was already covered in the beginning of the show and he didn’t know. Interns, am I right? So as not to disappoint, he also wrote a few rap lyrics about the show and spit that shit on the mic. His illustrious rap career spans longer than he has been shaving his uni-brow, he says he actually recorded a rap album with one of his buddies in the past. Motherfucker is so gangster, nah I’m sayin? His rap may not make that pussy pop, but it might make that pudding pop! UHHH! X-Games talk time with best whip. This is the first time a female is participating in best whip at the X-Games, which means someone’s probably gonna die and that would make it the highest rated part of X-Games in history. This brought in the next “special” guest, Blasko, who as well as Ellis, is wearing his Wolfknives shirt – they’re super special buddies. Blasko told us of the time he was in the band Cryptic Slaughter, the famous bus crash that killed Cliff Burton brought a chance for a 16-year-old Blasko to potentially be the bassist for Metallica. Blasko had recently cut his hair, which caused him to be immediately turned away and then you Jason Newsted showed up. Oh man, the pain. You know that one stung. He also told the story of the time he and a pal were 18 and went to spend their hard earned money on some handguns. They get there and find out, nope, no handguns for them since they’re not 21. So they did the next best thing, went and got tattoos. Betsy is sleeved up and looking like she’s part of the Yakuza. Actually, I lied. She doesn’t have any tattoos but part of her winning the auction was to have her name tattooed on Ellis’ ass, but she seems to feel bad for Cumtard’s balls and is letting Ellis off the hook. Actually, she seems like a pretty cool chick overall, so she’s probably just being nice and is happy to be there. Good on ya’ Betsy!
Apparently there is some gay MMA porn out there where dudes are making out with other dudes’ knee. I don’t know how that gets anyone off, but I’m just glad to see the sport evolving? I guess? To be honest, this shouldn’t really be a surprise to anyone. Rule 34 states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject. A man in Phoenix was dropping his kids off at home and left his car running. A woman jumped in to try and steal his car but was stumped on how to put the car in gear. It was an automatic transmission. Women, am I right? And since Blasko is there, and “Get the cock off your chest” is a segment always done when Blasko visits, this led to
Rawdog Matt having to get a cock off his chest. When Joanna Angel was coming to the show, Josh was trying to move her car for her, but he couldn’t find the emergency brake. A cop stopped and told him he couldn’t keep the car parked in the middle of the street, he told the cop he couldn’t find the parking and asked for help. The officer quickly found it and Josh was on his way. How he kept that a secret for so long is a mystery. Matt called in to say a bunch of high school friends had a party and didn’t invite him so he called the cops on them. Turns out nobody got busted because the cops used the same breathalyzer straw and couldn’t write out any under the influence tickets. Robert Matt called in to say while his buddy was out of town working, his buddies girlfriend needs help with a clogged sink. Of course his boner led him there, they get drunk and fuck and he stays the night. The boyfriend shows up in the night, he runs out the back door and ran home like nothing had happened. Later that day, his buddy calls him up and wants to go to have a few beers and vent about how he caught his girlfriend cheating. He spent 3 hours listening to his friend talk about some guy (him) fucking his girlfriend and he did his best to console him without admitting to being the guy who fucked his girlfriend. Kevin Matt called in to say him and his buddy had went out to get some drinks, his buddy picked up a chick at the bar but he cockblocked his own buddy and banged the girl from the bar Matt called in to say he went to a chicks house, had tummy aches and rushed to the bathroom and didn’t quite make it and shit all over the lid. He had to clean it all up and 15 years later, they’re married. Mary called in to say that after a night of drinking, her and her friends were ready to go to bed, her friends started going at it in the bunk bed below her so she starts diddling herself while they’re banging. She didn’t finish and the couple kept going while she went to sleep. Matt called in to say he was smoking some weed with a buddy while they were young teens, his buddy asked if he could suck his dick. The whole time his buddy was blowing him, he was watching porn but didn’t finish in his mouth. He went to the bathroom and finished himself off and to this day, he feel weird about it. Huh. You don’t say? Feeling like you’re coming down with the queeries? OH! Derek Matt called in to say that after the war in Iraq, he’s married and he went to Australia and he and his buddies slept with a bunch of hookers. Danny Matt called in to say that back in college he played baseball with some douche who had a thing for his girlfriend. He ran into the douche’s girlfriend and his sister at a party and talked them into having a threesome and has never said anything about it. I might have missed the last one or two while I was packing up and leaving work, but it’s all good. Maybe you can catch it tomorrow morning on the “In Case You Missed It” or at some point maybe on 713 The Jason Ellis Channel!
Next “special” guests to come in was Ken Block and Kit Cope. Talk started off with rally-x, gymkhana, and all that good stuff. We heard about some German driver that hit Ken’s car like 4 times in a single race and got a stern talking to. Then we heard about the last time Ellis was trying to qualify in X-Games along with Ken Block and Kit was the manager of EllisMate skateboards. We heard about the first time Ellis sparred with Kit Cope and how everyone told Ellis it was the stupidest thing they’ve ever seen because Kit thinks it’s funny to knock people out. Evidence is starting to build up that Kit is teaching his friends’ kids to say the word “fuck” and then he turns around and tattles on the kids for saying it. Ken and Kit both hit the punch pad, Ellis still remains on top of the heap. We got clarification from Kit that Thailand residents aren’t stabbing anyone, it’s the Cambodians that come to Thailand that are stabbing people. Betsy also came bearing gifts for the guys, like chocolates and shit from Chi-town. And this lead us into final calls, which weren’t all that bad since a lot of the callers were calling to ask Ken questions. And with that, I leave you with this: A man saunters up to the bar and orders 3 shots. As the bartender is pouring them he asks, “What’s the occasion?” The man replies, “My first blowjob.” The bartender, grinning, says, “Well shit, have a 4th one on me!” The man looks up to the bartender and says, “No thanks, if 3 shots won’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.” OH!