It’s Monday, and you know what that means! Time to wipe the shit off your lower lip and act like an adult in front your peers. It’s also time to pretend all those things you did on the weekend never actually happened. Wilson is still traveling that stinky shithole we all couldn’t wait to leave, going to Pink Floyd concerts, and getting terrible haircuts. Dingo is here though, he also left a stinky shithole, but he has lovely locks. Frank DeCaro came on the show right from the start, he has no hair, and I don’t think he has any plans to leave his husband’s stinky shithole. HEYOH! Frank has lost a child. In weight, not an actual child. He also went to Alaska and walked and stuff because he’s feeling more energized after dropping 30 pounds of homogenized fat. Ellis told Frank he’d send a boner picture to him if he lost another 30 pounds, Frank upped the bet by saying 40 pounds if there’s a tiny dribble of pre-cum on tip. I felt dirty and used just typing that. Dingo’s footsie coach in school said if you laid back and couldn’t see your pubes, you were overweight. This led the guys to think Dingo’s coach should likely be in jail, but he’s not. He’s still out there talking about pubes to young boys and his scientific method of measuring if you’re overweight or not. Speaking of pubes, Frank asked if Ellis had grown back his red pubes yet, Dingo quickly answered for Ellis – so what today must have been spa day for the two.
Ellis is not a whale, but if he was a whale, he’d appreciate it if you didn’t steal his children from him. He also talked to Slash this morning and might have convinced him to come on the show again. Rawdog went to another hockey game with his girlfriend and they left about halfway through to meet up with his dad who was there covering the Emmy’s or some shit. Dingo made it sound like he was there watching them fuck in the crowd, but no. It was nothing like that. Everyone except Dingo thought the Mayweather vs Alvaraz fight sucked and El Diablo Blanco lost that fight, so who cares about the fight or what celebrities attended it. There was a shitload of talk about Justin Bieber because he was at the fight, but I completely blanked, I’m Bieber’d out. People died today after at least 1 gunman shot 11 other people at the Washington Navy Yard. There could be another gunman at large, deets are sketch, yo. So yeah, that sucks. Crazy shithouse people and their crazy asshole ways make for a crazy fuckhole of a world for the rest of us. Dingo has the Swiss Franc symbol tattooed on his arm for no apparent good reason other than his friend did it. Tully’s wife it totally dude friendly, they spent the weekend watching The Expendables 2, watching the Mayweather fight, and watching the Packer’s game – all of which was her idea. Apparently there’s a news story going around about Donald Schultz being charged with allegedly & illegally selling lizards.
A little bit of dream talk. Dingo has dreamed a lot about having his teeth fall out and apparently that’s a pretty common dream, along with punching or running in slow motion in your dreams. Rawdog has dreamed a lot about falling and he wakes up just before he hits, like most children have dreamed. Tully recently dreamed about Justin Bieber and how they were old friends and they just wanted to get away from the crowds and go get a drink together, which should tell you something about Tully and scare the fuck out of you. And Ellis recently dreamed about his dad’s pale, dead body being wrapped in a sheet and in bed next to him. This lead into another fucking round of Justin Bieber talk. What. The. Fuck. I zoned out again because fuck that kid for being the topic of discussion not only once, but twice in an hour and half on the show I love. Thankfully the show went into break and stopped the Bieber shit.
We came from break with Hollywood news and I shit you not. And if I hear anything about Bieber, I’m going to make you all pay by scraping the recap and talking only about the potential presence of ancient aliens and Stonehenge. Some dude at a Beyoncé show pulled her off stage and into the crowd, she didn’t even give a rats ass. Ellis thinks Beyoncé is the greatest performer alive, Rawdog thinks Kanye is, and Dingo flipped the fuck out over the Beyoncé stance as he thinks Lady Gaga is the best, and Tully had to preemptively hush Dingo after he tried to hush him. So who is the greatest entertainer? I don’t fuckin’ know man, what the hell kind of loaded question is that? Carlos Santana crashed into a parked car in Las Vegas and he wasn’t even drunk, so it must have been a black magic woman. Hulk Hogan was in an accident, on a boat, and he had a boo-boo with some blood. Jaden Smith went on an anti-education tirade on Twitter, and clearly his 15-year-old ass smarter than everyone else’s so Stephen Hawking can suck it, man. P Diddy lost 1 million green backs to Rick Ross in a game of dice and he don’t give a shit about it, so suck his dick, bitch. Some chick born in America and is of Indian descent (dot, not feather) chick won the Miss America title and people are getting their white people underwear in a knot about it because they’re racist as fuck. Also, don’t read anything into that “dot, not feather” thing above, that was meant as a joke – you honky-ass cracker. HEYOH!
Rawdog is starting to make some changes to get in shape for his fight with Nick Swardson. What has he been doing to train? Lifting kettle bells again, cutting out a nugget or two from his diet, and forcing a green drink down every so often. Ellis has been provoking both Nick and Rawdog, so now Nick is looking to have Rampage or David Spade corner for him at EllisMania 9. This brought us to only second break in three hours because there’s too much show! This also brought me to mere minutes away from my gloriously shitty drive home in traffic, look at me go! No where. Insanely slow. Coming back, we had some clown news. First up, there are photos of a dude in Northampton freaking out people with his creepy clown behavior and nobody knows what the fuck is up his clown antics. Next up, you can hire a creepy clown to stalk and terrorize your children by sending them threatening texts and shit, what could possibly go wrong? And lastly, apparently the classic clown was a parody of the stereotypical Irish immigrants with big red noses and shitty clothes. Take that, ya drunken lushes! Only 3 breaks were taken today, showing that there sometimes truly is too much show and also showing how good the guys are. That’s a lot of radio without a break and isn’t easy to do. So shout out to the fellas for being sick cunts! I tried to call in as Jesus, stoked because he was the 47th caller. It turned out like shit, my phone kept cutting out, people couldn’t hear me and I couldn’t hear them. So sorry about that! But as The Lord, I’ma let you in on a little secret… How do I know the apostles were Mexican? There were twelve and they all traveled around in one accord. OH!