Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/7/2014


Dingo when he woke up in the hospital with no memory.

OMG sisters! I’ve missed you soooo much! XOXO’s and stuffs. After the week long break, the show is back and so are the recaps. This must mean contract negotiations are going well for Ellis. Nothing is finalized yet, but it looks very promising and he’s excited and will tell us all as soon as he can. Which works out well for him because he doesn’t want to lose his job. And it works out well for us fans too, because we get to continue listening to our favorite show. Dingo, 28 years young, has some shit to tell us today. He took the week off as many of us did. On about Wednesday, he turned the drinking knob up to 11 and carried that through to the 4th. He knew he had to fly to Vegas on Saturday, so Friday around noon he started getting worried he might miss his flight since he’s been up for 2 days drinking heavily and partying with all his friends, excluding Paris Hilton. Everyone avoided her house even though she sent out a mass text to let everyone know she was having a party at her house. Everyone has already banged her twat out so why bother going, right? Anyway, the 4th, it’s noon, Dingo’s concerned about potentially missing his flight. So he takes a substance to help him stay up, but you’re not supposed to take this substance that puts you into a hole, so to speak, while drinking. He’s at this mega house, a massive party house, a Hollywood royalty house. He starts feeling woozy, goes to the bathroom and throws up and thinks he’s gotten past it. He’s on the couch, he feels hot, he goes outside and feels like he’s going to puke again. He’s given a bucket and blacks out. He wakes up with doctors around him and he’s in the hospital. He’s confused, doesn’t know what day it is and doctors are trying to tell him how he managed to get there. Apparently he was stumbling around the beach throwing up, a stranger see’s him and gets paramedics to take him the emergency room in Malibu. They hook him up to an IV and the doctor says that’s all he can do for him and gets the paramedics to take him to the hospital in Santa Monica. They don’t know his name, he couldn’t be traced back to this mega home or friends. He made it to the airport with a plastic bag containing the board shorts and tank top he was wearing during his blackout, gets to Vegas in time for the fireworks and to introduce Nick Cannon. His new management company took him to the UFC fights and is still feeling pretty shitty so he smartly skips having any drinks in Vegas. Ahhh, the days of being young and doing the kind of drugs you can feel have aged your body by a decade.


So, he used a tool you say? What could it be? Oh, thanks Dingo!

Not to be outdone, Tully hit up 7-11 and mowed down a shitload of Doritos. He’s wondering how many Doritos he’s willing to admit to having. Has a bunch of food, some beer, and some smokes and almost goes into a Dorito hole. Ellis just stayed by the pool all day with the kids (yes, I’m including the youthful Katie here – HA!) and applying sunscreen to Devin every 20 seconds. Some strange kid wanted him to buy him a toy or some shit, another kid wanted to keep trying to pour water over his head and he’s wondering where the fuck the parents are. Then he see’s a kid go over to the edge of the pool, squat down, and release a bunch of little turd logs into the pool. Mr. and Mrs. Tully also saw a little kid face plant in from them and end up having to parade the kid around to try and find the parents because they weren’t around either. Parenting, apparently in LA, very few people actually do it, leaving behind pussy kids and annoying kids. Oh, and before I forget. Katie can’t throw up, she wasn’t feeling well, took some charcoal pills, and tried sticking her finger down her throat but it wasn’t working. So, it was up to Ellis to use a “tool” to help get the job done, which it did. As Ellis and Tully did a graceful dance around what this magical “tool” was, Dingo, well known for his masterful wordsmith abilities, blurts out, “dick in the mouth”. Oh. And also while Wilson was in Alabama, he never once heard the “n” word.


Ellis flirting with Kenda.

MMA News time with Kenda (not Kendra) Perez. Ellis received no drunk texts from Kenda over the weekend, so that pretty much means she was with her boyfriend and he must be working his way into her heart as well as her panties. Joe Rogan temporarily got put on blast by Dana White for asking Rousey if she was willing to rescue the UFC 176 PPV event in less than a month because it currently has no main event. Dana then later exonerated Joe and all is well between the two again. Chris Weidman put doubts to rest with his win over Lyoto Machida. Urijah Faber beat the brakes off Alex “Bruce Leroy” Caceres and it sounds like Urijah has had a falling out with Duane Ludwig. In TUF 19 finale, BJ Penn retired after his TKO loss to Frankie Edgar. And Ben Askren heckled “fat” Johny Hendricks and “bald” Dana White. Also, Chael Sonnen got fired from FOX Sports and UFC broadcasting. Speaking of people getting fired, here we go. Anthony Cumia, yes, the bitter old gal from Opie & Anthony also got fired. Apparently it was over some racist shit he said on Twitter. Whatever. I don’t care. Maybe not so coincidentally, new segment time with “Dude, Will This Get Me Fired?” The major bit of entertainment here was how we learned that Cumtard wiped his ass, between his legs, while standing up. Some chick he worked with at McDonalds that he tried to flirt with caught him with a wad of shitty toilet paper in his hand, dick hanging out, and standing like some kind of mental patient. Then we get another bomb dropped on us when Tully admits he’s not sure he’s ever wiped while sitting down, he always stands up to wipe. That means there are people walking among us who stand up to wipe. You know Tully & Cumtard can’t be the only two in the world. I never would’ve known, and you said the show isn’t informative.


Donald Schwartz, poaching, and history get me so hot!

Donald Schwartz called into the show to talk about how much it costs if you want to go poach a rhino. I might have written that wrong. He doesn’t condone poaching, matter of fact he flat out is opposed to it, he just knows a lot about it. He’s also opposed to beheading people, but also may allegedly know a lot about it. Also, apparently killing cool lions causes the pussy lion population to increase. I’m not sure how, but if Schwartz says it does, then I’ll take his notoriously racist* word for it. *Disclaimer: Donald isn’t really a racist, he just plays one on TV. Also, I’m joking again. He, as far as I know, has never played a racist on TV. Anyway, shit is in trouble. Animals. The ocean. All of it. And if they’re in trouble, then we’re in trouble. And nobody wants to report to the principal’s office for this one. Trust me. Or don’t. Trust Donald. See if I care. Just trust someone for once in your life. Wait. That might be a bad idea. Just go to, there are pictures there!

Ever heard of Jordan Haskins? Me neither. Apparently he’s running for 95th District Michigan State House Representative and he used to be into “cranking” which is supposedly a sexual fetish where he removed spark plug wires from cars, sat in them with the engines running, sparking, and making noises, while he jerks off. Time for some notable moments in world history with Ellis and Dingo. The Dalai Lama was a Korean dude who invented yoga, wears a dress, and is not the CEO of Apple. The bikini was invented by Dingo’s mom when she was born and his dad wore a blue one and got the nickname Blueberry. Amelia Earhart did not steal babies, but was the last female bohemian who made the world’s best/worst lemonade. Ever. She also went on a walkabout until women had rights, and then pissed off men threw her in the ocean. Lyndon B. Johnson signed up for civil rights which gave rights to civil people in 1964 and then promptly gave those same rights to everyone except for Dingo’s mother. That girl that sued Kobe Bryant was pissed because he tried to crack open the backdoor and she was not into the butt jams and so she sent text messages to the FBI and Kobe quickly bought his girl a ring with a massive rock, thereby apologizing for splitting another ladies butthole apart which required stitches. In the butt. Butthole stitching. The Battle of the Little Bighorn was between Colonel Mustard and Chief Sitting Pond, up in Canada. Neither dude took any shit, but eventually Colonel Mustard was killed by Indians (feather, not dot) and they were all like, “fuck that cracker-ass cracker.” People at the time were all like “that’s fucking bullshit, man!” But nowadays, people are like, “well, fuck that Mustard guy” because as a whole, we were dicks to Indians (feathers, not dots) and that pretty much marked the invention of fire water. John Gotti was the father of gangster rapper Irv Gotti, he invented prohibition, the Gotti necktie, and suits. The Statue of Liberty and french fries were gifts from France just say “hi, we like you” and we accepted both gifts which made our entire population fat, but fully pleased and in need of a nap. The French are still waiting for us to send them a statue of Hulk Hogan. The Watergate burglars where a family that robbed banks and information from Secret Services and sold them to the Chinese, but were caught by Deep Throat, who turned out to be Tom Hanks and was romantically linked to Richard Nixon. Alexander The Great was gay, but the greatest of all time, he hunted elephants, owned Rome, and participated in orgies like a champ. Somebody put mercury on their dick and poisoned him and then he died. The Salem Witch Hangings were real, not just a story to make kids stop eating cookies at night. They tossed witches in water, if they drowned, they were not witches, if they floated, they were witches. This was of course all before anyone learned how to swim. Benjamin Franklin flew kite, which created electricity because he put a key on that kite and then lightening was like, BOOM! Entrepreneurship to you, sir! And that concludes our history lesson for today, kiddies. Now, how would you kill Dingo? By grenades at the Grenade Games? Him on an ice rink with a bunch of rocks and you and your drunk friends get to stone him to death? Think of your best and then keep it to yourself because the show is over by now.


Awkward kisses.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/18/2013


You wanna have $ to donate to charity? You gotta listen to WuFinancial advisers.

Here it is, what you’ve been waiting all weekend for. It’s Monday, Monday, MONDAY! Live, from the planet earth, it’s The Jason Ellis Show Recap! Get it in ya! MONSTER RECAP MONDAAAAY! Alright, you sold on it yet? I’m sold on it. Do you say “effin” or “friggin” or “freakin” or some variation there-of for “fuckin”? I understand. Sometimes you gotta do it, but sometimes you gotta let that genie out of the bottle, too. Try it. Say it. I’ll wait for you. Somebody said something about Katie’s laugh on Jason’s Instagram and he almost told that person that their neck was pregnant, but he didn’t. He’s not going to waste his “effin” time being all bitter and mean and “shibbidy”. Dingo got to hear about sweaty hands and Brian Deegan and how much time and energy Deegan used to waste on a hating. Bloods and Crips, one of them is better than the other, Wilson is part of MS13, Rawdog ain’t scurred of any of them because he’s Jewish for life, and Tully thinks Hollywood is really just a giant shithole. His new neighbors were scoping him out since they’re the new kids on the block and the neighbors are wondering if that means their hood is turning to shit. Betsy is donating $7,500 to charity like some kind of badass – which is fucking badass – therefore she’s badass. But nobody can figure out why she likes the show because she’s got way more class than anyone there. Tiggy’s still bringing the pain to the dirty, stinking, red headed kid at soccer. He scored 8 goals, thereby solidifying his first major step in becoming the next David Beckham. He’s definitely already surpassed Rawdog, who had the most soccer balls stolen from him during a game. How are professional athletes making so much money and getting so many breaks? Even though they’re rich as fuck and have a glamorous life, a lot of them end up broke as shit. Cry me a “effin” river.


Bomb threat? TJES ain’t scurred.

Breaking news with Wilson Pendarvis! The cops have the building surrounded and the streets blocked off because of a suspicious looking package / potential bomb threat. Which of course means that TJES could literally be on the verge of blowing the fuck up. Will’s oddly looking out the window, listening to multiple police scanners, frantically pushing buttons on his massive phone, and praying a bomb will go off to end his pain and misery. Breaking Richmond family news with Rawdog! His sister Gabi, aka “The Tooth”, is now engaged and ready for an adulterous relationship soon. Just kidding. Congratulations to her clavicle breaking ass, but fuck her fiancé because none of us know him. He could be a sweet dude, but we’ll never know. Ellis took the kids and Katie horseback riding over the weekend. And just like you’d imagine someone named “The King of The West” would do, he took a cell phone call while riding and did an interview over the phone. Hey, did you know Ellis used to skateboard? Yup, he sure did. He also watched the Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth show this weekend, as did I, and it was fucking great. Circling back around to professional athletes and how stupid they are with money, everyone had their butthole clinch a bit when Tyson talked about being charged $8,000 for towels. Not because they were awesome towels, but because he wasn’t watching what shit-dick Don King was doing with Tyson’s money.


It hurts not so much here or here, but all over.

UFC news time, Rawdog did not watch it, GSP retained his title against Johny Hendricks (who spells Johnny with 1 N?), even though a ton of people thought he lost, including Dana White. A lot of GSP fans are pissed that anyone has an issue with him winning, of course, and apparently those people don’t like anyone to have an opinion that differs from their own. Dana was livid with the decision and blamed The Nevada State Athletic Commission, saying “they have a lot of work to do, that they make him sick, and they better figure out how to not destroy, not only the sport of boxing, but this sport, too.Hendricks also weighed in on the matter and says he doesn’t care if GSP retires or not, he just wants what is clearly his, the belt. Josh Koscheck was brutally knocked out by Tyron Woodley in the first round, leaving many to question if Koscheck has the chin for MMA anymore. Chael Sonnen was man-handled by Rashad Evans on Saturday, eventually leading to a knockout of Sonnen, which left me shrugging my shoulders because I’m not a big fan of either of those guys. But I’d say Chael needs to stick to his TV game and by the looks from the fight, Rashad probably has a chance to stick around fighting for awhile. Robbie Lawler won his fight with Rory MacDonald in a decision left to the judges. And finally, according to Dana White, Jon Jones has withdrew from UFC 170 due to injuries.


A proud Wilson in his new Red Dragons jeans.

In other big news, your Ugg boots, the ones made out of sheep skin? Yeah, they’re made out of sheep skin and a sheep has to die for you to look ridiculous. Okay, that doesn’t actually qualify for big news, but this does. Next Tuesday, November 26th is the release party for Big Fucking Mega Boat, with a live show at some go kart track and everyone is invited, even Wilson. According to local Thailand expert, Dingo, those people are greasy and he used to be full of grease as a young boy in Thailand. NFL news time with expert professional football statistician, Rawdog. Peyton (nay Paytaun) Manning threw the ball towards other guys that were themselves running towards the goal. There was a 2 hour windy mud delay in Chicago creating what might have been the longest football game in the history of tennis. Somebody kicked a field goal and then they won. Stealers beat the Lions by going hard in the paint for rebounds. Wilson is sporting some Red Dragons jeans that make his butt look incredible and cause people to scream Red Dragons anytime he passes by shaking his money maker. Just ask Katie. And Ashley. And your mom.

Jason says the show is repping Onnit hardcore, but oddly, they never mentioned a contest sponsored by Onnit because Onnit wants to give back to TJES fans. Strange, because you’d think a shitball website dedicated to TJES & running a contest by Onnit would be worthy of a mention, but nooooo. (Calm down, it’s a joke.) Anyway. This brought us into an episode of “You sir, are a moron.” The first topic up, should you have the right to burn the American flag? Next topic, how many times jerking off in one day is too many? Next, who is the most over-rated musician of all time? Next, would you turn your mom in if she killed someone? And then, what if your wife had an outtie belly button? I think there was another one before that, but I missed it. Next, is it wrong to give money to organizations like PETA? And finally, what is the highest job in “office” (political) would anyone on the show be qualified to hold? So there ya go, questions without answers to keep you up at night. But good news, I have one more question, this time with an answer to help give you closure. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? He cried because his wife got it in the divorce, along with the farm, his 3 kids, his happiness, his money, and his dog named Tim. Oh and his dignity. And there you have it. “Don’t die” is Ellis’ saying, so I’ll end this recap in my own way, while saying pretty much the same thing.