The Jingleberries Will Make You Famous, Or Look Fucktarded (Part 6)

Remember when The Jingleberries put out a call for recordings? Well, we’re doing a 6th round that we can send off for The Jingleberries to work their magic on, while we sit back and hope it gets played on the air.


TJES Saved My Life
(by: bitPimps)

Ball Sack
 (by: thegooser)

Death! Death! Die!
 (by: thegooser)

Game of Thrones
 (by: thegooser)

Jason Ellis
 (by: thegooser)

Why Not
 (by: thegooser)

Will’s Ear
 (by: thegooser)

Wolf Wipes
 (by: thegooser)

Good News
(by: sharkchucker)

Are You Soft?
 (by: sharkchucker)

Makes You Awesome
 (by: sharkchucker)

Sit Down & Shut Up
  (by: sharkchucker)

Smoke Break
  (by: sharkchucker)

Ellis Show Translation
 (by: sharkchucker)


Show Re-cap for Thursday, 10/31/2013

It’s Halloweeeeeeeeen!!!!!!!!!! Which, at first was going to be exciting and great and then turned in to my own personal shitfest, but thank the maker (that I don’t actually believe in) for The Jason Ellis Show to distract me from punching cunty bitches in de face. Also, it being Halloween explains why there’s a Racist Blackface Zombie in the studio in Josh’s place…and…what the hell is the deal with zombies being super popular anyway? Um, guys, they’re awesome- that’s the deal. They are super versatile and range from comedic to drama and horror purposes, and The Walking Dead juggernaut has only made zombies more awesome and has kept them popular because if Daryl Dixon was a real person I’m pretty sure he and Ellis would be besties with matching zombie ear necklaces.

Prior to the beginning of the show Sam Rubin was having a meeting with Ellis so they could bounce around some ideas for television shows that’ll get Ellis on the air and then he sort of stuck around for the first part of the show to shoot the shit with the guys and toss around some more tv show ideas. Sam says that he was super excited for his meeting with Jason, but feels like he sucked balls and that’s because he’s dealing with Ellis who isn’t afraid to tell anyone what he thinks no matter who he’s talking to. But it does seem like they laid a little bit of brick down on the yellow brick road which will lead Ellis to TV land. Sam seems to be a fan of just having a camera follow Ellis around and tape his wacky slapsticky life (which may or may not be all that wacky and slapsticky) but Ellis says that it isn’t enough, there needs to be an angle. A racist zombie angle, perhaps?!?!?!?! Tully brings up the point that there really aren’t that many reality shows around anymore that are just a camera following someone around anymore, that reality shows have become wayyyyyy more heavily produced and are more concept-driven and capture an all around lifestyle. The guys and Sam break down the current reality TV sub-genres which include shows focused on famous people because some people are so famous that audiences will tune in just to watch them, there are the reality shows where audiences tune in to gawk at live action train wrecks like Honey Boo Boo, and there are the concept reality shows that try and have some sort of substance and tend to have a good mix of shenanigans. They toss around some ideas for pitches for a show for Ellis and what seems to be a winning idea is the Jason Ellis version of the Ultimate Fighter, which to me sounds like The Ultimate Fighter meets Real World/Road Rules challenge, and culminates in Ellismania. Tully has another idea where there could be a TV show about the radio show interspliced with recorded out of studio segments like Andy Dick’s Fart Hunters.

As I said, Sam Rubin is on for the first part of the show, and to be honest every time he’s on he gets a little more on my nerves and makes me want to shoot myself in the face because he loves to hear himself talk too much and the only reason that I tolerate him is because he has the know how and the drive to get Ellis a tv show. He tells tales about working on E! with Julianna Rancic and how he thought he was going to be hired for a permanent spot until he went into a meeting and accidentally talked the network out of hiring him. Ellis is on the hunt for a new manager because he thinks that it will help things like Ellismania run smoother and help get more people on the show, and as we all know, the show getting bigger is a win for everyone. Jason talks about how Ellismania 9 was inspiring for him, despite all of the shit, because he realized that with everything that went wrong, Ellisfam adapted and rolled with it because fans of radio shows really are more attached and dedicated and loyal than fans of television shows. Sam talks about how he thinks they should get some sponsors together and buy their own radio station because running a radio station can’t be all that hard, which pisses Wilson off. Wilson tries to school Sam a bit on how it’s no easy thing running a radio station, but Sam kind of gives him the brush off and Tully then basically tells Sam that he’s stupid.

All the while Racist Zombie is staring at Ellis’s head tattoo thinking of his big, juicy, meaty brain that he would love to nom on. Ellis mentions that when he was on vacation he noticed that he has less hair (when it grows in) but that doesn’t really matter because he has a bitchin head tattoo. And you can have one too!!!! Ellis says that, yeah, it hurts, but he thinks anyone can do it. He’s trying to decide what to add on to his head tattoo for sideburns, because he wants to tattoo his head/face area more because he doesn’t want to look like his dad (and hearing that made me a little sad because…yeah).

Now, in MMA news, Lyodo Machida beat down Mark Munoz by kicking him in the head and knocking him out in the first round. And Ellis missed it because he was on vacation and it blew his mind a little bit that Machida knocked out Munoz in the first round. Diego Sanchez and Gilbert Menendez also fought recently and had what Ellis described as the best fight that he had ever seen, which is really saying something considering he recently witnessed Sam Rubin duke it out hardcore with Tera Patrick (hahaha). But seriously, these guys went so hard that Dana White gave them both a $60,000 bonus for wailing on each other so spectacularly and making everyone who watched sure to tune in for the next fight. On the Ultimate Fighter, Cody had a hard time cutting weight to the end that he didn’t cut weight and he quit. He probably should have manned up and taken a salt bath with a loose butthole to make the cut, but instead he cried about missing his kids and made Ellis roll his eyes. In the girl fight the small girl whom Rawdog thinks is cute beat the bigger girl because if the small girl gets you on the ground she is going to end your life. Rawdog swears that he watched it and thought that the fight came to a decision, but in fact, the bigger girl tapped out to avoid her arm being broken by the smaller girl. Which made Tully and Ellis wonder how many people watch sports on television and completely miss what is actually happening. You know what people should watch and know what’s going on? Ellismania Cross…with zombies. People would be so glued they wouldn’t be able to miss a thing.

Next the guys whittle down the categories for The Reverse Awards and the categories this year are: Man of the Year, Woman of the Year, Most Alive Celebrity, Smallest Butthole, Best Movie, Best Band, Clean & Sober Living Award, Most Deservingly Famous Award, Most Welcome Comeback, Lifetime Achievement Award, The Rising Star Award, Most Un-Creepy Male Star, Best Wolfknife Name, Best TJES Guest Ever, Smallest Clit, Smartest Intern, Best Jingleberries Member, Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet, Realest Animal, and Best Religion. Among the categories cut is the Biggest Dick category? Why? Because it involves too much speculation. But the guys do debate for a while whether or not Ken Jeong’s dick is the micro dick as portrayed in The Hangover, and if he was really jacked off by a spider monkey? Ellis also speculates that The Rock probably has a micro dick, along with all other pro-wrestlers because why else would they feel the need to bulk up that much? The locker room at the WWE is the new House of Horrors Halloween attraction that you shouln’t miss if you want to be irrevocably scarred for life.

There are now two people on twitter who aren’t fans of TJES morning replays on Faction. Sorry guys, it’s only going to get worse. Ellis got a new camera so now Ellismania.com is even better. Tully always forgets that he is being recorded for Ellismania.com while he is on the air and doesn’t particularly like being on camera because he is more fidgety that the Rain Main when he is on camera…which is probably why he didn’t get the job after his screen test at E! But, we still love him, so long as he doesn’t fidget too much when pitching show ideas.

In Hollywood news….Janice ‘Faggy DickDick’ Dickinson and her crazy I Heart 911 lifestyle (because she calls them allllllllll the time guys) helped to stop a robbery in progress and is being touted as the craziest hero of all time as she says, “I am keeper of the gays.” John Cryer, who is the castmember of Two and a Half Men who looks the most like he did when he started on the show, is being sued by his ex-wife for more child support for their 13 year old son. Previously he had been paying a respectable eight grand a month in child support and now his ex wants nearly ninety thousand dollars a month so that his 13 year old can throw better parties and feel less ostracized by the other 13 year olds in town. Rawdog says that with his eight grand a month he knows what it’s like to live like a middle class teenager…and I’m still shaking my head at that. I’m pretty sure most regular middle class teenagers where I’m from have a part time job so they can make maybe a hundred extra bucks a week, not a hundred grand a year. To no one’s surprise, including her own, Lindsey Lohan is off the wagon again. And that is sad. She should play guitar and wear a bandanna like Steve Tyler from Aerosmith and learn to keep her nose clean.

Time to play a game!!!! It’s the Halloween edition of TJES Jeopardy guest starring the Former (but first and not former in our hearts) Li’l Miss Jason Ellis. Li’l Miss does a great job throughout the game, staying neck and neck with Tully (the reigning champ) right up until the end. Some gems from the game: Larry King is the ghost turd news reaper, Darth Vader has a bong in his helmet and he is your father, Gary Buscie is Kaiser Permanente fried, if your dick is going to explode don’t be afraid of going to the hospital, Wilson used to want to fire Ellis all of the time but Ellis wasn’t scared, and Iggy Pop is at the point in his life just before all his juices leave his body. Final Jeopardy is something associated with Halloween that is black, furry, has tons of friends, and is ripped off by the human race and deserves government housing. It’s not a werewolf, it’s not a spider, and it’s really really really not an Orc. It’s a bat!!!!!! Stupid.

Wrapping up the last part of the show there’s talk about a 12 year old allegedly finding a razor blade in his M&M’s after going trick or treating earlier this week. The lesson to be learned here? You will be punished for living in a lame town where you go trick or treating before Halloween and your mother probably has Munchausen By Proxy and is loving getting attention from this. She will also probably sue M&M’s and ruin children’s lives everywhere. Also, the couch for the studio finally arrives! The bitchin couch was designed by Grant Cobb, looks awesome, and totally fits in the studio (thank goodness). Tully also talks about how Halloween is probably the top holiday for casual sex encounters, because all the sluts come out. The actual sluts and the girls who only do their strut slut on Halloween are probably way more willing to have freaky costume sex on Halloween as opposed to any other day of the year. Also at the end of the show we get to hear some horrible sex advice from Tully, who got it from Cosmo, and the reactions to it from Racist Zombie and Rachel (Ellis in his robot girl voice). Some good advice to take away from this segment? Don’t fucking listen to sex tips from anyone at Cosmo because you will get punched in the face after tugging on your man’s pubic hair and putting pepper up his nose right before he orgasms. And honestly, if you’re dumb enough to do either of those things, you deserve a good punch in de face. At the very end of the show the guys also mention that they’ve been spending some time listening to the new Death Death Die! Album which is due to be released soon, and they all find it better than they expected. Ellis talks about listening to his song ‘My Blood’ while his blood (his kiddies) were in the backseat of the car. Tiger thought it was awesome, but Devin didn’t like it, which is basically what Ellis expected.

Things we learned today:

Ellis wants to have sex with girls dressed up as clowns

Tortilla chips sell more than potato chips

Racist Zombies have racist sneezes

Everybody in LA overtalks everything

Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z *are* 2 seperate books by Max Brooks

Kid Rock is the people’s philosopher

Katie made breakfast for the kids and Ellis thought he could marry her, but he won’t

If it’s wrong to make out with your dog after he licks your kid’s butt, Tully doesn’t want to be right

Pirates give you type 2 diabetes

Rachel might be a hermaphrodite

I’m pregnant, and it’s yours

Visit patriotguard.org

 

Re-cap for Thursday, 10/17/2013

Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show, where he is confused, but who cares about this shit? Let’s got on with the show because Rob Corddry is in the studio (or his home) and he has his shit together. If you didn’t listen (which, chances are- since you are reading this re-cap) you may not have realized that the show didn’t actually start on time. Or for…you know…like 2 hours. It’s okay though, cause this time it wasn’t because he got into a fender non-bender due to weird LA traffic, it was because he was stuck at the dentist getting a root canal. Why is this better? Because he got the gas…and anyone who has had the gas knows that getting holes drilled into your face is welllllllllll worth it. Ellis has no problem asking the dentist for gas despite the fact that he looks like a really jacked junkie, but Rob Corddry confesses that he doesn’t like asking for the gas because it makes him feel like people look at him like he’s seeking out drugs. Tully however wants to be a drugstore cowboy who looks like Rob Corddry because Corddry looks like the kind of guy who manages to be on so many drugs he looks like he isn’t actually on drugs and isn’t looking for any. Except maybe antibiotics.

Ellis chose to get the root canal done today because next week he is going to Panama, where he will spend at least one night glamping, and the dentist told him it would only take an hour. Well, a little more than 2 hours later Ellis managed to get to the elevator right as Rob Corddry did…so for all intents and purposes…he was on time. He’s the star of the show, the show isn’t the show without them, whatever time he chooses to get there is on time. Duh. While he was at the dentist getting his face drilled into and was sucking back whatever gas the dentist would let him have, he took a trip to a world where his Indian dentist transformed into Biggie Smalls and the mexican nurse turned Asian and started singing “My Blood” to him through her mask. “My Blood” if you aren’t hip and in the know, is the title of Jason’s solo song off of Death! Death! Die!’s (fuck you if you try and correct my punctuation on that one cause I would love for you to do better) upcoming album, which features a solo song from each member of the band that we all know and love and had the number one selling album (in Canada) on iTunes. Red Dragons. Ellis explains that originally he didn’t want to do a solo song, because he doesn’t think he’s that good with music…or lyrics, but he did one anyway since he loves the band and everyone else was doing it.

Rob Corddry did a bunch of movies and television shows for the year of 2013. Have you seen or heard of any of them? I haven’t because I don’t really watch television or go to movies that don’t have Bruce Willis or Harry Potter in them. One movie was Warm Bodies, where he played a zombie that started thinking. Which is one hell of a role, all things considered, since most zombies don’t have functioning frontal lobes. Another movie he was in was called Pain & Gain with a little actor you may have heard of: Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. And even I know who that is, thanks to the Fast & Furious franchise (before there were too many movies for me to care anymore). How is working with The Rock? Awesome, since the apparent reason for The Rock’s excessive amounts of shiny muscley-ness is to protect his big, squishy, heart of gold. The Rock is a great guy who is liked by all and always seemed to be in a good mood, and probably doesn’t drink any of the tequila that he tweets with steak. Corddry has never seen The Rock’s penis, but has a good idea of what it’s like- utter perfection. Large, in charge, and no Rawdog, it doesn’t have its very own set of pecs, but it’s glorious nonetheless. Prolly just as shiny as the rest of him parting clouds in the sky for rays of sunshine to bounce off of while an unseen chorus holds a splendid chord of praise. Yeah, I can see that.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of dicks in Hollywood that aren’t attached to built former pro-wrestlers turned movie stars. Who in particular? No one is naming names- but the breakdown is as follows: Actors are narcissistic dicks, Directors are controlling dicks, and the studio guys are the dicks who give all the other dicks back door blowjobs. In Hollywood you can only be a dick once because if you’re a dick to two people and they know each other, say goodbye to your career. Kathryn Heigl, for instance, is not a dick. Wait for it…I’m getting there. Kathryn Heigl has been all over the place lately with her winning too white for real life smile being all sorts of sweet because she thought she had more than one get out of dick-jail free card to the point where she surpassed being a dick and is just a big ol’ cunt that no one wants to work with. When you’re working in a place where it’s a safe bet 90 percent of the other people think their shit is just as odorless as yours, you probably shouldn’t go around acting like you aren’t base enough of a human being to shit in the first place. Because then, you’re just a cunt, and no one wants to make movies with you.

Pornstars also have cunts. They, however, usually have the good kind of cunt. The sexy kind that it’s alright to talk about. Have you noticed that the pornstars on Instagram have been posting lots of pics from the doctor with “Still open for business!” on the caption? I haven’t either, but, it’s a thing now. All the pornstars wanna let you know that it’s all good in the hood. Rat (I’m all kinds of snarky today). Tully and Rawdog inform Ellis and Corddry that this may be due to the fact that recently it was all over the news that there were a couple of pornstars who turned up HIV+, which is really shitty because porn is a business that hurts no one. I’m not trying to be sarcastic, porn is a great industry that aims to make people happy. Following this mini-outbreak the porn industry in California had to take an AIDs break, which was a great joke, but it also actually happened. The government shut down all filming (which is probably where the government got the idea of a shutdown of their own in the first place) until everyone could get tested and made sure every porn star knew that it was illegal for them to be fired for requesting males to use a condom during performance. Really.

Only half of Ellis’s face is working, but it’s still smarter than Rawdog’s whole face. What a surprise! Said no one. Ever. How high is Ellis exactly? Not high enough to not need a painkiller from Katie. Ellis informs us that there are two sorts of painkillers out there in the world- regular pain killers and the ‘get your bones ground down’ painkillers. If you get your bones ground down you get Percocet. However, if you go down the Mega Ramp in a basketball jersey and melt the skin off of your back and have good friends, you get Oxycontin and tell stories to people on balconies for 12 wonderful time-released hours. Corddry has also taken Oxycontin (albeit for non pain related activities…and only once) and says that it is wonderful. It’s too bad that Hillbillies ruined it by crushing it and snorting it. Ugh. Fucking Hillbillies. Tully says it wasn’t just the Hillbillies and he has multiple Hollywood figures and athletes to back that statement up, because smoking it is a thing now. But…Corddry is right, Oxycontin would be wonderful if it was prescribed and imbibed the way it was meant to be. But we’re humans and we don’t really know how to be smart like that. Drugs are bad.

You know what’s better than drugs for pain? More pain! Seriously. Josh questions this, thinking pain + pain = lots of pain, but Ellis insists that there comes a point where the pain just kind of cancels itself out. Even planning some major rager of a balls to the wall about to be knocked by a wrecking ball pain fest helps to start numbing out the pain. For example- Jason’s tooth hurts. He bets that if he starts calling Tokyo and Josh’s mom and says that he is just going to bring on the pain rain in their lives he would start to feel better. Josh thinks that will only work insofar as until Tokyo and his mom figures out who’s calling…and that the person has an achilles heel in their mouth. Josh is 100 percent convinced they will then attack his tooth. Damn. Maybe Josh should get his face drilled for a bit and make a comeback.

Rob Corddry should have a show on Ellis’s fabled upcoming channel. But, for real though. Ellis basically offered Rob the job on air who immediately and whole heartedly accepted (right before getting cold feet) because he has nothing going on. Which I don’t think is all that true considering he has an ongoing television show on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim- Children’s Hospital, and also has a new movie coming out, Hot Tub Time Machine 2. But Ellis didn’t find out about the new Hot Tub movie from Rob, he found out from co-star Clark Duke who he chatted with in the KTLA green room right before going out and KILLING IT. Why chat it up with the Duke? Because the other guy in the green room was that guy in The Patriot who betrayed his not really his yet almost a country and killed women and children by locking them in a church before setting it on fire because Jason Isaacs told him to. Dick.

Is Luke Skywalker the last Jedi? Or did he start on an all new race of Jedi after the credits? I’m sure he spawned some Jedi, and so did Leia and Han, because let’s not forget that Leia and Luke are twins so she probably could have kicked Darth’s ass just as hard. Except she would probably still have both of her real hands. Tully says that the only reason Luke was any sort of a bad ass Jedi was because his father was Darth fucking Vader, and who wouldn’t be a killer Jedi with that kind of backing. Ellis doesn’t think Luke was all that awesome because he lost a hand in the deal and was kind of a whiny little bitch throughout most of the series…but then again, so was Hayden Christiansan who played little Darth Vag, so maybe it’s just a familial phase. No way could Luke take Darth Maul and his double-ender. Another fight we all missed out on in the series- Darth Maul versus Master Yoda. Who would win? Will we ever know? Yoda was a pretty punchy, tumbly, acrobatic bastard…so it seems like it would be a ridiculous fight between his CGI’d little body and the crazy acrobatic Darth Maul. Set it up, Dana White. Josh’s most wanted fictional fight is a throwdown between Harry Potter and Frodo. Wizard against Hobbit. Who wins? With their magical powers Josh says that Frodo would win. Ellis says that it has to be without magic, good old fashioned brawl. Josh then says Potter would probably lay on the hurt because he’s bigger. Who would really win? The fans.

Time for a break. Or not, cause Jason is high. But don’t get cranky and pick on him, who else gets a root canal and then goes to their job? On top of that…who gets a root canal and then goes to their job where the number one requirement is fucking talking?!?!?!

Back from the break? So’s the government!!! Haha. It is though, not that anybody really missed it. Oh….maybe all those temporarily unemployed people did. Sorry. No one else did. The stenographer for the House of Representatives probably could have used the furlough since the stress of typing built upon her so that she started ranting in the middle of the House’s vote. It involved freemasons and the Illuminati or something. She got dragged out, still ranting, by security. Who probably were working for the freemasons.

It’s time to find out who is the next 5 Finger Death Punch!!!!!!!! Are you excited? Or are you as angry as Ellis that such a downright shit-level Nickelback 3 band is raking in the dough by sucking balls? He made a mental note to share with us that he heard 5 Finger Death Punch on Octane (or somewhere) and was so enraged by how fucking terrible they were he had to mention their ass sucking on the radio. Check mark next to that box. The good news though, for all of you sucky bands out there? There will always be whores who like you because you’re in a band and they will give you a blowjob when you’re in town. Really can’t ask for much more outta life than that.

This actually was an introduction to the long-awaited segment Unsigned Bands versus Unsigned Farts. After hundreds upon hundreds of submissions, of which at least 20 were from bands, Tully presented us with the best of the best and pitted them against one another. In all we heard 12 bands and farts (if I’m reading my handwriting correctly) and I’m pretty sure the farts won. The best fart? That was from Bobby…a fart that came in hot and scared Katie winning its way into our hearts. Or something. The bands were…kind of like the best of the worst of New Music Tuesday. Most caused a collective “LOL!!!!!!!” after a few bars were played. The Dirty Bourbon River Show was a band and they annoyed me by having that super long name and then an even longer name on their single and sounded like the music you wake up in the gutter to the afternoon after a Mardis Gras celebration covered in white substance that you only hope is leftover from the donuts at Cafe du Monde. Extermination Protocol was well received by all of the guys, despite their horrible name, and then EP made the mistake of tweeting that they were a one man band. Which is impossible. So, go back to the losers circle. Cage9 is a band from South America that wasn’t all that bad either and could probably be successful here in North America if the singer shaved his head. Actually, Cage9 can only have the USA, Canada is DDD! territory.

Before commencing the Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge with Tully and Katie we hear the newest gem from the Jingleberries. It’s a remix of Katie’s sex-tastic workout breathing to the beat of Push It by Salt-N-Peppa. I would listen to that song on repeat. I may have my first girl-crush ever on Katie. Ellis informs Rob (and reminds the rest of us) that the reason Tully is doing the challenge is to help motivate the fans. Which is the reason Josh previously did a challenge and Ellis is constantly doing insane shit. Every fan has their favorite, Josh himself has tens of fans that were motivated by him to get in shape. But really, the guys want their fans to live long and keep listening. Get in on it and check out the Onnit challenge for yourself.

Things we learned today:

Ellis’s brother had a baby boy today- Welcome to the World Bailey Ellis!!!

At the dentist, all Rod Corddry hears is “Spit now, please”

Dentists are really drug dealers for reluctant pussy junkies

Tom Cruise and Will Smith are so successful because they probably don’t drink

Rob Corddry was on the Daily Show

Rawdog is getting man-boobs, and if he worked at it he could have pecks…so we know soon he’ll probably just have man-boobs

“I can’t feel this side of my nose so when I pick it, it’s like rape” – Jason Ellis

Old Testament God was full of wrath, New Testament God sacrificed Jesus for our sins because He loves us sososososososososo much

Some of the farts were probably simulated

Michael was farting during the Andy Sandberg show

Men probably shake hands as an evolved show of dominance

To be King of the World you need to pay for Hollywood Wives and have sex with whores at the gym

Men on the Ultimate Fighter should really stop crying cause it’s hard to punch through all the tears

Katie’s boobs are getting bigger (your welcome Jason) and she isn’t pregnant

Katie’s dicks keep getting tangled

Children’s Hospital airs Thursday nights at Midnight on Adult Swim and next week is part I of the season finale with fucking explosions and fucking fucking

Ellis throws a great jerkoff party

Flowers are fun cause God should be

Visit patriotguard.org

Show Re-Cap for Thursday, 9/26/2013

Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhyeahyeahyeaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Because Ellis is playing with the voice mod. TJES quickly jumps into action today after a super brief voice mod monologue where an Evil Kanye West voice makes a quick appearance (can a voice make an appearance? an audioppearance maybe?) to talking about The Dropkick Murphy’s and Bruce Springsteen song ‘Rose Tattoo’ which gets stuck in Rawdog’s head, disappoints Tully, and Ellis just plain hates but admits it’s a good song. Bruce Springsteen may or may not still just be your Average Joe who stumbles out of strip clubs in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday and explains to fans that he willed a million other Bruce Springsteen’s into existence. It’s okay if the only part you cared about there was the bit about the strip club, because that’s the part that the men of the show latched on to (to my girlie fist-pumping delight…you have a dirty mind).

YAY!!! Talking About Sex and Strippers!!!

Ellis states that he has learned a lot from strippers, whether those lessons be good or bad, and ultimately he said he tends to pity dancers for the creeps that they have to deal with like the guy drooling in the front row with his Dance Trance face on. He thinks that being a stripper definitely gives a girl insight into how men are wired because there is at least a little bit of creep in every guy, some people may play it closer to the chest than others. Ellis dated a stripper for 6 years back in the day and he was King of Unemployed Melbourne on the 3 grand he made a month skateboarding and the thousands of dollars his chick made EVERY NIGHT. But there are girls/dancers/strippers who rake in the bucks in such great amounts every night that they turn into cunts who look down on people because they’ve stopped appreciating money and think theirs will last waaaaaayyyyyy longer than the multiple plastic surgeries they will undergo in an attempt to keep making money off of that ephemeral bitch called beauty. Or maybe they can really work the pole and aren’t really all that hot anyway. One lesson to be learned from this? Hard work that leads to success is humbling while easy money makes you a condescending jackass. Give yourself a fucking reality check, having money makes you better than nobody, you still have creepy inside of you.

How much creepy though? Tully finds Mr. Trance Dance face drooling over girls on poles he wished were his pole creepy and wonders if men (he) is just as creepy for wild fantasies used to ‘get the job done’ when the cum isn’t coming for whatever reason. Get the job done. Get over the hump. I never want to be involved in a sex scenario where either of these terms are used because that means I should be fired. Ellis doesn’t think it’s creepy to fantasize things, however wild they may be, to get the job done because you aren’t offending anyone (except for maybe yourself a half an hour later) and it isn’t hurting anybody. But he would stop if a memo got sent to a person every time he thought about busting on them instead of the girl he was with. Tully brings up the situation of men who find it hard to orgasm unless they’re pretending the girl that they are with doesn’t want to be having sex with them and we fall deeper down the fantasy rabbit hole all the way to the Dungeon. Ellis, ever the open minded fellow, has no aversion to trying out a bondage-type situation if it wasn’t so goddamn expensive to have a lady in leather kick him in the balls. But Tully doesn’t get it because…where’s the orgasm? Ellis says he gets it an equates it with mental foreplay, and talks about it being a playground for the rich and powerful who are never dominated in any other aspect of their life, and yeah, most men probably go out to their car and beat off before driving home with sticky fingers, but there are some men who just get amped up. Like the male caller who was whipped by two males (because he’s that kind of polite guy who won’t say no) and kept asking for it harder. Harder! HARDER! Until he felt like he had won.  There is a difference between being creepy and having ‘safe words’ for your rape fantasy love life and being a fucked up murderer rapist. Tully said it’s not important to get caught up in how creepy you might be (if you spent the better part of the segment thinking about your weirdest sex fantasy impulses as I did) because they’re just thoughts, and as Rawdog adds- the most important thing is that you possess empathy and impulse control. You are not a fucked up murderer rapist. Ellis dubs himself the Josh Richmond of Creepy sex which makes Josh…the fetus? Or he just may be the Chad Reed of Creepy Sex. They jury is still out. It will probably be back sometime after the Fuckfest that is going down in his room at Ellismania 9.

Do girls think shit like this too? Do girls have weird fantasies to get the job done? Well, you’re in luck because I’m a bonafide female XX chromosome card holder. Yes. We are just as fucked up as you. It’s hot. Just ask Ellis and Tully- the sexiest thing ever is a woman who enjoys sex!!! ‘Girl sex’ where a bitch goes “oh yeah I didn’t cum but I really enjoyed it” is possible, but most likely she’s just not equipped with the balls to say, “wow, I feel like I should sue you for false advertising.” Yes, sex can be enjoyable without orgasm and there are reasons that maybe she didn’t orgasm because yadda yadda girlie shit yadda yadda she is probably thinking about how there’s only expired milk in the fridge and she has to go food shopping. There is NO woman who has a fulfilling sex life when she isn’t reaching the little death more than she is. If she tells you otherwise, send her my way so I can call her a liar to her face.

Tentacle Porn Art

Do girls really think about things just like guys in amounts of potential creepiness? I will provide some evidence when talking about the next bit discussing tentacle porn. You know what I’m talking about. The Anime that is oh so popular in Japan as well as (albeit less) popular all around the world. It’s basically girls getting fucked by Octopus monsters if you wanna pretend you have no idea. So…what’s the deal with that? Tully says that it’s because Japanese men are more on the diminutive side despite their supremely macho culture and there has to be a demand for it because there is a bottomless black hole of tentacle porn movies and animation ain’t cheap. Also, in some cities/regions it’s illegal to show penetration and Tentacle Porn is the wonderful loophole that was stumbled upon. They wondered about how long Tentacle porn has been around and talked about it being just a part of their culture at this point. Insert creepy bitch factor here with an article that I read 3 years ago on tentacle porn which my photographic memory instantly recalled to tell me that tentacle porn has been around since the 18th century. Boom. I’m probably wayyyyyyyy creepier than you are on account of the shit my brain retains.

Attention all Jason Ellis show listeners/cocaine users (since Josh seems to think we are one and the same)!!!!! Did you know that 80% of the cocaine that you are snorting that’s is supplied to this country is laced with a drug Levamisole that is used for de-worming livestock and eats your flesh? There are pictures and it is gross, even though Ellis wants to call bullshit and Tully (and probably many listeners) would like to know exactly why something given to livestock wants to eat human flesh… And as if that weren’t bad enough, Krokodil- a Russian drug similar to heroin has crash landed here in the good old US of A and that shit is guaranteed too rot your flesh from the inside out. So far, two people have been hospitalized in Arizona, and it’s believe those are the first two cases in America. Why do people do drugs anyway? Ellis thinks that some people may just be born to be addicts and then there are people that hate themselves, which is the reason that he did drugs back in the day, he didn’t wanna deal with being in his own head. This whole world going to shit on drugs things seriously bums him out, but he’s cheered up by the fact that there are really only about 200,000 people in America that can be classified as heroin addicts, though there are over a million who are I guess what we would call an ‘occasional user’. The guys all agree that hernoin is that gateway drug for shit like Krokodil, which gives a similar high and is cheaper for when you can no longer afford heroin.

Ellismania 9 is approaching fast and that means so is the Fuck Fest that Josh ‘I’m in an open relationship’ Richmond will be hosting in his room to the chants of “fuck fest! fuck fest!” from a crowd of horny onlookers and Tully while Ellis jacks off the the beat. To re-iterate from yesterday’s show and re-cap- they are looking for a blonde with ginormous tatas, so feel free to tweet a pic of yourself to @radioTFB to see if you are up to snuff. Side note: I told Hubbs that if I were single I would totally be up for this as I am a blonde with big boobies and because his girlfriend is a pornstar so even if Rawdog sucked I’m sure she would be awesome and I wouldn’t just enjoy it, I would orgasm. Probably multiple times. Seriously though, Ellismania 9 hasn’t sold out yet and you should probably go get tickets and join the party because it’s not every day that you can see a Taco fight a Dude with a Blanket. Wilson…what’s in your box? A whole bunch of shit from old movie shoots including some fake blood, a bunch of wigs, and at the verrrrrrrrry bottom some Ellismania related costumes for fights, such as the aforementioned Taco. Ellis wants to employ some hot ladies in sandwich boards to pass out fliers at the Hard Rock in Vegas to promote the show, which seems like a great idea because everyone pays attention to a hot chick in a Team Taco sandwhich board.

Tully thinks he can beat Kareem Abduul Jabar in basketball. Bullshit. But a high school basketball player probably can. The same goes for practically any other sport when it comes to old guy versus high school player. Except for fighting. Sorry caller. If you aren’t practiced in the art of punching a guy in dee face you don’t stand a chance. He’s going to know what you are throwing before you hold your hand up and he will kill you.

The Army has announced that it will soon be banning tattoos on certain areas of the body- like the really visible parts- above the neck, below the elbow and such. Those currently enlisted won’t have to get theirs lasered off or anything crazy like that, but if you’re looking to join up it’s advised that you think before you ink. Elllis and Tully understand this soon to be enforced rule, saying that it goes toward the uniformity of the organization. Josh brought up the point of not wanting to alienate or detract anyone with tattoos from wanting to fight when we are currently emeshed in an ongoing war and need bodies. I guess The Army needs something new to focus on since ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ got thrown out of the window. The Army says “Hoo-Rah’ when they are rushing into battle, even though Ellis likes “Retreat Hell” much better and wants to slap the shit out of Aaron Eckhart for misrepresenting himself in Battle: Los Angeles. Wilson agrees because he wants realism in his Aliens versus the Army movies. Duh.

Helllll Yeah

 

Time to talk Ultimate Fighter. There is a lot of crying on this season of the Ultimate Fighter, because apparently they’re a bunch of whaaaaaambulances. And because this is the first season with girls. Not that the guys don’t shed a tear or two also. Ellis and Tully say they’re envious of girls just being able to cry and get that release because it must feel great, and intern Vanessa assures them crying is awesome, but…fuck that shit. I hate crying. It’s an unpopular opinion for a girl, but crying is the worst shit ever and I am so glad that I only head to the cry bank for Disney Movies. Ronda Rousey is no holds barred the best female fighter in the world but Miesha Tate beats her in the personality department hands down. Ronda is a coach on the show and is portrayed as very quick-tempered to the point where she interrupts fights between small guys and very large guys at the bar only to get into the larger guys face better than the small guy (the striking coach) can. This probably isn’t the best move for her publicly or privately, which is told to her in the parking lot by Dana White, and she should probably calm the fuck down a bit. Yeah, there is the magic of editing that can be blamed for making someone look done or slightly inflate a trait of a person’s personality, but there is no editing that is going to make you lose your shit every time someone looks at you. While tweeting about the Ultimate Fighter, Ellis received a tweet from the UFC which ullllltimately lead him to tweet with his fave female fighter on the show, Julianna, who basically gave him the equivalant of ‘Hi, who’s your friend?’ And she was talking about Rawdog. Rawdog!!! Lookout Julianna, he’s in an open relationship!!! Avoid Ellismania at all costs!!! Not that it wouldn’t be awesome to have you there, but even I heard the creep smile over the air.

A man was arrested in San Diego after being spotted off the coast and was apparently floating his way from Mexico to America on a duffel bag filled with $23,000 worth of marijuana. Points for creativity. In fact, the guys all agree he should probably just get a pass because…’Merica.

Wolfknives!!!

Wolfknives!!!

Wrapping up the show today is a massive list of additions to the Wolfknives Family. Are they all signing up now because they want to go to the secret meeting of the Wolfknives at the Hard Rock at Ellismania? That’s probably not a bad guess, considering the couple of husband and wife names given out today. So…Congratulations to Wheel of Doom, Bicep Whore (LMT), Flame Enthusiast, Captain Hero, Good Burger, Hole Inspector (also congrats on being the Butt Judge’s boss), The Janitor, Brian Power, Team McMraw, Mary Pipenstein, Miguel Gorbachev, Security Tard, The Good One, Good Fat, Marty Friedman, Johnny Deppa, Little Miss Ellis, Hilary Clitoris, Johnny Yayo, The Coke Dealer’s Wife, Kooooooolaaaaaaaggggg, The French Homo, Abbey Load, Lying Murderer, Boo!, Lord of the Dicks, Jerks Off Lightening, The Nightcrawler, These Are Real, Creepy 1, Creepy 2, Chip Dick, Urethra ButtButt, Gabby VagVag, Dr. Greenthumb, The LoaMonger, Homo Therapy, Nocturnal Shitbag, King Nothing, German C-Bomb, Fisted Sister, and Kevlar Dildo.

 

And, before I forget, the Unlisted Band segment is coming around again so if you have an unsigned band, or maybe are a fan of an unsigned band, send it to Ellisparodies@gmail.com.

Things we learned today:

Ellis would have sex for money because he likes the feeling of power

Ellis has stopped peeing blood but might be doing it again soon as he is fighting a monster at Wildcard tonight

Ellis could never live with a poodle

There is a macho way to hold a purse, but Josh just slings it over his shoulder

Flushable baby wipes suck ass

Being a waitress and being a stripper is basically the same job with different uniforms

Don’t fuck with Lenny’s turf, those are his windows

Tully has an irrational fear of car accidents and is comforted by Heroin being a bigger killer

Ellis fears sharks

Rawdog has a fear of being close to the edge of high places

Josh’s mouth says words, but the buttons say the truth

The Jingleberries made an awesome Fuck Fest theme song

“years young” is what you say when people start getting old

Will’s cell picks up CB Radio communications…let’s see your smartphone do that

Owning an escort service isn’t as glamorous as you might think

 

The Jingleberries Will Make You Famous, Or Look Fucktarded (Part 4)

Remember when The Jingleberries put out a call for recordings? Well, we’re doing a 4th round that we can send off for The Jingleberries to work their magic on, while we sit back and hope it gets played on the air. Like these previous rejoins!

Allegedly Official Awesome Original Shawshank Redemption

Women of EllisFam Rejoin

There was another rejoin that made the cut, but we don’t have a recording of it. If you do, please send it to us!


Round 4

Fuck Your Face (by: emilyinSD)

Welcome Back (by: tank_yanker)

Get The Cock Off Your Chest, Motherfucker (by: tank_yanker)

Urinal Dream (by: AZ_RedDragon)

Testicles (by: serutti)

Get Out (by: sharkchucker)

Sarcastic Moment (by: sharkchucker)

Short Bus (by: sharkchucker)

A Book Story (by: sharkchucker)

Barrel of Monkeys (by: Scarlet_Kitty)

Special Feelings (by: Scarlet_Kitty)

Dirty Barry (by: bitPimps)

Smack Em Yack Em (by: bitPimps)