Sweet shit of Christ (which will be mentioned later on in the show today), I almost forgot it was my turn to do this today! But because of that, I got to hear an encore of Halo by Machine Head when I hit the rewind button on the online player to start at the beginning again, so fuck yeah for that. Since I’m too crunched for time to write a hilarious prologue, let’s get right into it, shall we? OK good, shut your gaping anus and pay attention. Today got started with Ellis talking about how shaving is a pain in the ass when you get old and all your hair has begun migrating from the places it used to be. Especially ass hair. But sculpting your chest hair is straight up doing too fucking much and you should mellow out if you’re doing it. Unless you’re in the UFC and it’s part of the corporate image, but everyone else should fucking stop. Shaving your balls can definitely make a difference at a job interview though, according to Tully. Jason is all about binge-watching Orange Is The New Black, and I still can’t bring myself to care about that show, but Tully has been all over every old Schwarzenegger movie that Netflix has to offer. Jason had some kind of drama with the ex due to some friend of her’s who’s been selling wolf tickets to a bullshit show and he had to defuse the situation but it’s still a headache when bitches be talking shit #AmIRight #NotAllWomen #ButAFuckinLotOfThem. The guys talked a while about how lying is not cool, especially cause lyin’ ass hoes be makin’ up stupid shit just for the sake of doin’ it cause they’re ain’t shit else they got going on that’s worth them devoting their time and energy to. And this kind of shit is why communication is key, ladies and gentlemen (especially you triflin’ bitches, you know who you are). Tully once sort of stalked an ex for one evening while wandering through New York back in the day, but she wouldn’t come down from her apartment long enough for him to slip her some Chloroform and take back what he rightfully discarded. Jason has been trying to arrange a family trip in an RV to go see the grand canyon, and the main concern is who’s gonna be the first carcass dragging behind the rear bumper after shitting in the RV. Jetta tried to explain that you can in fact empty the septic tank in a motorhome, but Ellis was not having any of it and will make his children walk fifty paces off the highway to shit in the desert. The guys discussed whether or not Arnold Schwarzenegger was was doing coke with a fifteen year old girl on the set of any of the Conan movies, and how much liquor Andre The Giant could put down if he wasn’t dead from being humongously obese and french and an alcoholic. Tully found a prank video of a guy showing off his phone to some ladies and then it spontaneously gets a phone call from Drake, that’s right, the Canadian ex-pat emo R&B singer, and he’s been using this trick to slay the bitches cause human beings these days are a floundering cesspool of genetic filth and I for one am happy that climate change and poor access to proper nutrition in America will kill several million of them. I’m talking about both sides of this equation, the pick-up artist and any lady stupid enough to go on a date with him just cause he allegedly knows a shitty musician. He will impregnate one of you with an idiot baby that you will need public assistance to raise, and thus the cycle will continue, since poverty is hereditary as is being a fucking moron. The guys talked a while about some of the tricks that people have tried using to get in their pants, like one lady who was lurking the shit out of Jason while he was hanging out with Benji, and then she slipped him her number written on the inside of a candy wrapper or some such shit. And to come back around to my point about horrible human beings, remember the story about the little girl who got kicked out of KFC cause someone complained about all her pit-bull face scars? Well, that was a complete load of shit. Now, KFC is gonna give them $30,000 as a donation for her medical expenses, whether the story is true or not, but all the same, in the land of frivolous lawsuits, it becomes pointless to have real problems that you need help with, especially when you can open a Kickstarter account to raise money for yourself for having an annoying job. Tully keeps seeing TV commercials for all of the horrible things we put women through, like weight loss pills and hair-removal flashlights and class action lawsuits regarding failed vaginal mesh surgery, and I see all of this too and it reinforces my belief that mother fuckers need to start having some quality control with their fellow human beings. Jetta was supposed to spin the wheel of doom yesterday, but couldn’t because of some shit or another, so Jason wanted to have him do it today. If you remember from whenever the hell it happened, Jetta does have a get out of jail free card, but Ellis still felt the need to berate him for a mistake he made in getting the studio ready for the show at some point. I kinda missed all of this yesterday, but it seemed like the kind of thing that could have been less of a major issue. But whatever, let’s hear some Metallica.
So, in a display of how awesome the show has become in all these years, ICE T IS IN THE HOUSE BEEYITCH!!! In case you didn’t catch it, Body Count released a new album recently, which is probably why Ice is out doing stuff and talking to people and hanging out on the west coast when his day job is on Law And Order out on the east side. The guys talked music and stuff for a while and Ice T likes satellite for the fact that you don’t have to be radio rock to get played there, and Jason mentioned his own bands without mentioning that one song from the last album that originally came about as him making fun of the lyrics from Cop Killer. There was some talk about the use of the word FUCK and how it’s all situational, but if you need to say “Fuck The Police” it’s important not to censor yourself or let anyone else do it to you. Ice told us about his experience working on Law And Order, and it’s been pretty good to him cause he can play the one kind of cop he doesn’t hate and protect fictional innocent people from the hard shit going on in the streets. Ice gave a little back story on the ups and downs of Body Count throughout the years as well as a quick rundown of how they came about to make the newest record, and aside from losing their bass player to a drive-by and their drummer to leukemia, they’re still fucking shredding. And if you don’t believe me, check them out at the Mayhem Festival and also some metal festival that’s going on up in Canada that I didn’t catch the name of. Ice T told stories of all the big names in punk, hardcore and metal that he’s worked with, and how being a rock star can be really awesome cardio as long as you time your breaks well. Jason and Ice talked training and fighting and how it’s different when you’re an adult but it never hurts to know how to snap a crackhead in half, especially if you’re girlfriend’s around to see it, cause that’ll give her a massive lady boner. The guys talked about the new video for Talk Shit Get Shot cause TMZ had a problem with Body Count making a music video with a shitload of white people, but the real story was that the casting was thrown together in way too short a time and all they could get was honkies, plus Ice T is a pretty fair skinned black person, so it’s not a black on white crime thing. But it all boils down to Ice T hating those internet tough guy bloggers who talk all kinds of head about shit from a completely one sided perspective over some shit that’s just one small minority opinion on something that really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. And as a person who complains on the internet regularly, I can see his angle. Ice and the boys talked for a while about the ins and outs of dealing with fame journalists (paprazzi) and how no matter how worthless and disgusting they are as people, they mostly act that way cause they’re spiteful so if you treat them with a little dignity and courtesy, they’re a lot less likely to go out of their way to fuck up your day constantly. Tully was at the beach with Linsanity this weekend and saw the paparazzi stalking Gwen Stefani’s kids AGAIN, which made him think that maybe she’s calling them to let them know where she’s gonna be. The guys talked a while about how Ice doesn’t have to turn in his hood pass for playing a cop on TV cause all of his friends know who he is and the only people talking shit were people who didn’t know him before the fact. Old ladies think he’s a hero, and his charity is continuing to be Ice T and staying out of the ghetto. The guys played a cut off the new Body Count record and let Ice get back to whatever surely more important stuff he had to do in LA that day. But before they let him leave, he had to play his band’s cover of Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies and that shit was cut off by the Sirius/XM on demand player, but I’m sure I can find it on YouTube when I get the chance. I caught the first couple drum beats, it sounded pretty good. Definitely worth my time.
GO TO ONNIT.COM and enter a contest to get a free motorcycle! It’s for charity and Onnit does good things SO FUCK YOUR PROBLEMS JUST DO IT!!! Check your tits and balls for lumps too, cause cancer is a mother fucker! And if you have both tits and balls, well there’s probably a lucrative career in porn for you! Tully let a nice black lady fondle his balls to check for lumps and said it was a fantastic experience AND he didn’t have cancer!!! I’m sure the Dave Matthews band live performance in the background certainly made it a much more relaxing environment. Jason was listening to some lady he heard at the pride parade while he was in the shower and said it’s way more annoying when water is splashing on you than it is when everybody’s drunk and sun-stroked and FAAAAAAbulous. Tully found a video of a guy surfing a fucking massive wave and getting shitwhipped straight into the ocean cause that’s what happens when you’re not incredibly high level in the surfing world and take on a wave you probably shouldn’t. He came back to it again though, and got it handled on the second try, did even better than some fuckwit on a jet ski. There’s another video of a 10 year old skate prodigy going full tard at the Venice beach skate park and fucking himself up transitioning through the bowls or something like that. But hey, none of that is as dangerous as crystal meth, especially if you’re in Florida, and you get so high that you think someone is an alien and decide to start stalking them with an unregistered gun and talking crazy shit loud enough for someone to hear it and call the cops on you for being crazy and high on meth. He also said he was “a big deal” and had 100,000 Asian flowers, or something like that cause meth. Speaking of meth, it’s time for the Etsy game!!! Where Jason finds disturbing, kitschy gifts for his girlfriend and the rest of us think of more reasons to murder hipsters!!! Some of the fine goods the guys were able to find in the deep dark recesses of the Etsy this week were a flame patterned barbecue apron with a full on cock, balls and pubes (only $30!), a handmade life size replica of the hydraulic loader suit from the movie “Aliens” with working but not fully functional hydraulics (made entirely out of garbage and spare parts, a mere $1,600!!!), a 100% vegan cat fur suit (which seems fucking impossible to me, but you can own it for a scant $715 and it seems that a big part of the price is the realism factor of it!!!), a hoarder doll house cause in this day and age why the fuck not? (IT CAN BE YOURS FOR ONE EASY BUT RIDICULOUS PAYMENT OF $400), a painting made of vomited ink on three different canvasses (and what better price to pay for hazardous waste than $250?!?!?!?), a doll’s head bar of soap (for the one time only price of $10), a magical mystery box which could include jeweled beetle wings, porcupine quills, blown out bird eggs, rodent bones, shark teeth, Jesus Christ’s fossilized testicles, just basically a lot of animal parts and crap she found in the woods (no declared value for any of the possible contents, but you could either get a great deal or be completely fleeced by buying this box for $30), extra large buffalo scrotum for making baby toys or candy dishes out of (all at an outrageous deal of $32.95), a heart shaped locket filled with breast milk for the fucked up mother in all of us (at a mere $28), a leather sex mask with droopy dog eyes (a bargain at twice the price of $239), a gray fox’s FACE!!! no skull or other components included (for the doorbuster price of $7.95), and finally, a fossilized prehistoric turd from an unknown animal, very possibly a dinosaur (AT THE BIBLICALLY LOW PRICE OF $10,000) and once more, let it be known that idiots with money are a wide open market for stupid things that other people don’t want.
AUSSIE NEWS YA FUCKIN’ CUNTS!!! Apparently, Australians just can’t stop pissing into their own mouths, so much so that they’ve taken to creatively calling it “bubbling” and it is taking the nation by storm. Just proof that when you live in an isolated country, you will run out of things to do and sometimes creativity will take a turn for the worse. People are even doing it in public at rock festivals and skate parks all across the land. As common as it is though, most of the people still think it’s fucking weird and gross (as they should), they just aren’t doing much about it. Tully saw a book called the “Worst Case Scenario Handbook” and it describes some plausible solutions to when shit goes really bad, like surviving a plain crash miles away from any kind of help, or how to do a J-turn and ram a car out of your way, shit like that. This brought up the question of who would Hot Dog eat if he was trapped in the studio for months and everybody else was dead? Nate said that Kevin would be the first, even though he has head cysts. Kevin would try to win him over with belly rubs and such before hand, but that would not protect him from being barbecued in an empty oil drum for the enjoyment of the Faction staff on casual Friday. The guys agreed, and after EM10, Cumtard will be ground into marshmallowy sausages and the fans are all invited for beer and tard-brats in the parking lot of the SiriusXM high rise in downtown LA. Tully floated a few more of these worst case scenarios to see what the guys might do in unusual circumstances, like what would you do to survive an elephant stampede? Jason would make it a point to get the fuck out of the way, as most people should, Tully would try to climb a tree which is actually one of the suggestions the book made cause the elephants would be trying to avoid them, and Hot Dog would also try to get the fuck out of the way but somehow when he suggests it he sounds like an idiot. Luckily though, if an elephant finds your corpse they will have the decency to bury you. Next, how do you stop a car with no brakes? First obvious answer is the “EMERGENCY BRAKE” as most every vehicle is equipped with, just try not to swing it too hard or you’ll roll it. Tully would try coasting it to a stop, but if your brakes are out it’s probably not the best plan cause you wouldn’t know you’re brakes were out unless you were trying to stop, so in that case he would just turf it and let the car go were it wants to. Hot Dog would try downshifting if it were possible on that particular vehicle, and if that doesn’t help then just turf it, a la Michael Tully. Next, what would you do if the elevator you’re riding in just started falling? Ellis would knock out Hot Dog and use his carcass for padding, Tully would try to time a jump like some shitty action movie and we would all laugh at his funeral, and Hot Dog would do a hand stand cause he does not value his own survival. Here’s one, how would you escape from a boa constrictor? Conventional wisdom is that you don’t and become tasty snake treats, or rip the fucker’s head off if at all possible. There were more of these, and probably final calls and stuff, but I fell asleep watching the shittiest movie ever and got too busy at work this morning to listen to the last 20 minutes of the show, but luckily it’s almost time for another one so whatever I missed today shall be made up for in spades!
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,