Show Re-Cap for July 2015

Here are some of the highlights of the show from July:

  • Ellis has to get Twitch’s face tattooed on his ass for losing a bet at the races. I can’t remember if that was covered in a previous re-cap or not, but there it is anyway.
  • Tully was on the speech & debate team in high school, he finished 2nd once in a tournament for his dramatic reading of something about a guy with skin cancer or some kinda shit like that.
  • Ellis and company have been pre-recording themselves so they are DJ’ing in the mornings on Faction, everyone loves it.
  • 07-13-2015: Kevin Nealon stopped by the show – it was pretty awesome. He’s part of the comedy elite just from his long days past on Saturday Night Live. It was also the first time he had ever been on The Jason Ellis Show. And to top it off, he and Ellis found some common ground with heart palpitations and anxiety attacks, which led them to chest bump one another in a moment of solidarity! That’s pretty rad. Minus the anxiety. That part sucks. Bad. Trust me.
  • 07-15-2015: News From Some Asshole (audio from Entertainment Tonight) has been struggling. However, today they saved the bit by doing their own version of “ET” as “Instagram Tonight”. It was pretty funny and worth a listen if you can.
  • 07-15-2015: @waydub thought he might have heard a familiar caller into the show today. He questioned if we had heard a bi-polar version of Snow White. You make the call:
  • 07-19-2015: Ellis is leaving for New York this Sunday along with Tully and Andrew. Plans are to do live shows Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and fly back to LA for live shows on Thursday and Friday. While in New York, Ellis is scheduled to go on Howard Stern and Sway in The Morning.
  • 07-21-2015: Ellis was on Stern today, subjects included his family, the whole dad molestation thing, MDMA therapy, ayahuasca, his and Katie’s open relationship, and the inadvertent STDs picked up along the way. Robin seems to love to give Ellis a hard time and Ellis gave it right back to her, however she claims to not want him to eat her ass for an hour. She seemed hot and cold during the whole interview. She needs a man. Stern is fascinated with how dark Jason is as well as his sexual activities, especially of the polyamorous kind. Thanks to Howard’s tired, old shtick, it seemingly started off a little disrespectful, but ended up being an overall good appearance.
  • 07-21-2015: Just after the Stern Show, Ellis was on Sway In The Morning on Shade 45, which seems like kind of an odd show for him to be appearing on, but it was good, some funny stuff in there, especially the fabricated trash talk to get Sal Masekela to fight Sway. Other subjects included his broken bones from skateboarding, his tattoos – mainly his head tattoo, and looking like a dangerous drug dealer.
  • 07-21-2015: Shuli Egar dropped by the show, he always makes an appearance when TJES is in New York – and of course that was funny. It’s always nice to hear Cullen on the show too. Eminem kept walking past the studio, presumably to go to the bathroom, allegedly he either has tiny piss tanks or was doing blow in there.
  • 07-30-2015: Andrew may have to sing in Tiger Box and judging by his past performances on the show, he will need some practice. The guys gave him a few songs he knows and loves to practice on, this was the result:
  • 07-30-2015: HateBean opened up a can of new tracks today, 1 fully professionally produced track “Diamond In The Muff” that really showcased his European disco queen side, it was amazing. And then he freestyled on 1 experimental track “There Will Be Chunks / Retarded Orgasm” that has yet to be officially produced, but shows real potential. Now give yourself an eargasm by listening to the sweet, soothing sounds of HateBean:
  • 07-31-2015: Breaking News! “Rowdy” Roddy Piper is dead at the age of 61 from cardiac arrest.
    roddy-piper

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Show Re-Cap for Monday 9/23/2013

the_dingo

Gaze deeply into Dingo’s eyes until you grow luscious locks like his!

It’s Monday. And this is a recap. Are you ready for a loud Dingo? I hope so, because he’s in the studio. Ellis might hire Dingo to say “Jason Ellis” in his big boy voice, but he might have to work on it because he doesn’t really have that deep of a voice. Dingo’s elevator talks to him and his cereal berates him. Ellis used to pray to get his wife back, but that didn’t happen so either there is no god or maybe there is a god and god was all like, “dude, you don’t want that” and therefore didn’t give his wife back. Dingo would go to church with Ellis if he wanted. But I’m pretty sure the congregation would forcibly remove Dingo because he just can’t go more than 60 seconds without being loud. That’s our Dingo! Jon Jones almost lost his fight with Alexander Gustafsson, but the Lord is a big Jones fan so you know what’s up. No matter if he like either one of those dude or not, their fight was pretty amazing, you could even say it was almost, god-like. Speaking of god/s, Ellis and Katie went to see Metallica and they were so close to James Hetfield that Ellis almost cried like 3 times. Apparently, Scott Greenstein knows Metallica and was a big part of some things Ellis was into when he was younger, which blew Ellis’ mind a bit. Ellis saw a bunch of other people there as well. He talked Opie, you know – that dude from Opie & Anthony. They talked about their past shit talking back and forth sessions and shit and talk, in the end Opie & Ellis are cool with each other. Howard Stern gangled up in the Metallica concert as well. That’s all we really were supposed to know, but we overheard Ellis talking to Wilson on “accident”. Everyone started cheering for Stern and all Ellis could think of was how he’s gonna take that shit. He’s super jealous but he also thinks it’s straight up gross that he’s so jealous of wanting to be as big and import as Stern. And that’s how Tully got hepatitis.

washing_my_balls

Shout out to Tiger, who’s now a baller!

Tiger discovered his balls this weekend. He asked his mommy what they were, then he started squeezing them until one of his balls did what balls sensing danger do, it went and hid. Then he pushed them together and showed his mommy that when he does this, it looks like a butt. And so starts an entire lifetime of playing with one’s balls. Have fun kid, you’re going to be doing this for the rest of your life. Gabe Ruediger is apparently feeling neglected this time around since Ellis fans aren’t razing him as much. So some of us hardcore fans started tough talking Gabe using #DummyTrashTalking. News time! A Texas jury gave a 44 year-old woman a life sentence for a DUI conviction because it was her 6th DUI. Take that Bartles & Jaymes! Hey, are you like Rawdog and just toss your old phone in the trash? Why the fuck do you do that? You could keep it, sell it, trade it, give it away, but no. You wanna fill up a landfill, don’t ya? The new iPhone 5 has a level on it, because do you know how many burly construction dudes have the latest phone for women and dudes that love to accessorize? Ellis got sent a CD of some unsigned band and the guys reminded everyone to send in their unsigned bands, so do that. Katie put a post up on Instagram, so eat a dick everybody! I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t mean any harsh feelings. I love you. Anyways, this brought up Bieber talk and I’m not having any of it, so BLA-DOW! A caller phoned in to tell Ellis that Tom Leykis was talking about Ellis on his show, and then everybody was like – PSSSHHHHH! You ever have a family pet try to get all up in your sexy times? Yeah, those fuckers are creepy gross. And don’t do what Dingo does, which is fondle his dog’s balls.

toddler_angst

Intern angst.

Some chick in Canada with retarded kids bought a vitamin water and under the cap, it said “You retard” which of course sent her into a retarded rage and Coca-Cola had to apologize for predicting who was going to get that bottle of sweet justice. Speaking of retard, Ellis wants a big ass Nerf basketball on Rawdog’s microphone because he eats his microphone and it’s too loud. This brought us to Wilson who brought in a picture of his ex-wife’s dashboard that said “refill now butthole” which totally reminded him of how his ex-wife talked to him. One of the new interns, Lynette, was the focus of a “game” Wilson spent many a night thinking very in depth about. The game? How much does everyone know about her, Wilson giving the guys 3 options to choose from for each answer. Come to find out, she has 2 half-black sisters who are both Olympiads, in different sports. She also went skinny dipping in Loch Ness with some Scotsman, she’s been to 14 Coachella’s, she ran into a parked car while she was high on that sticky-icky, went to Paris Hilton’s something or another, she was an overweight kid, got hit by a car while jaywalking, and she got fired after 1 week of working as a hostess for having an attitude.

hang_in_there

If you’re still reading, practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation, or committing suicide, hang in there!

You ever wondered what it was like to fly like an eagle, doot-doot-doo-doo? Ever wanted to be an eagle? Too fucking bad, you’re human. However, you can see what it’s like by watching this video of a GoPro strapped to an eagle in flight! Dingo’s dad used to live in Kualdalaupe, which of course is in some imaginary country that is made up of a bunch of other countries that takes up pretty much all of Southern Asia. Get the cock off your chest was next up and it seems a lot of dudes have been pissing the bed lately, like an excessive amount of dudes and an excessive amount of piss. Let’s see how many of you are still actually reading this recap. 2 cups flour, 2 teaspoons baking powder, ½ teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon sugar, ¾ teaspoon salt, ½ teaspoon garlic powder, ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper, 4 ounces shredded sharp cheddar cheese, 1 cup cold buttermilk, ½ cup melted unsalted butter and cooled for 5 minutes. For the topping, 2 tablespoons melted unsalted butter, ½ teaspoon garlic powder, 1 teaspoon minced fresh parsley. And there you have some basic ingredients for Red Lobster’s cheddar bay biscuits. If you’re still reading, you’re welcome. And with that, like an alcoholic or a necrophiliac, it’s time for me to go crack open a cold one. OH!

gabe_likes_going_down

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Show Re-Cap for Monday 8/5/2013

mexcellent

No Juan says TJES isn’t the best show on radio.

There you are, I’ve been looking all over for you! Welcome back to another Monday’s re-cap, let’s get excited! More excited than that. Okay, just try and pretend you’re excited. The show started about 10 minutes early today, and if you missed it, that’s all on you. Ellis say’s he had a ripe cat shit on his chest this morning, which you gotta wonder if that’s true because I didn’t see any Instagrams of dead, bald, cats from him today. Ellis is wondering why the radio ball hasn’t been thrown to him yet. Howard is done, and TJES is on all the time, along with others, but if TJES is your style of radio, you’re in luck – because he, Tully, and Rawdog are the best at that kind of radio. He doesn’t want to compete with Howard, he can’t compete with Howard. Howard created the game. But he thinks he should be on a channel next to his to make it easier for the tard fans. Even if he did want to compete with Howard, how can he compete with someone who isn’t even in the ring, he’s just never there.

can_i_talk_to_ellis

No more X-Games talk. It’s over. We’re done. I hope.

Tully’s going to break down and call the dick doctor today. His weekend was pretty crazy too, just maybe not as crazy as his dick. More X-Games talk with tons of names of people that do stuff and don’t do stuff. I’m X-Games’ed out so the only thing I’m willing to talk about is the chick that started celebrating early and then ate shit. Hasn’t everyone learned by now that you jinx the shit out of yourself with celebrating early? You know that poor girl is probably still crying the sweetest tasting tears ever. Ellis went out with Tony Hawk last night and Tony did a little interview for Ellistronics TV, he told a personal story that he’s never told anyone before – just for Ellis and the fans. Ellis says more people are telling him that he sounds way more American than Australian nowadays. Which makes sense, and you can hear it if you go back to old shows from the past, such as what you might find on Channel 713! What a beautiful segway, right? In baseball news, A-Rod will be suspended through at least the 2014 season for performance enhancing drugs. But I ran out of fucks to give for baseball too so you’re just gonna have to deal with that.

keep_the_fries

In McDonald’s news, Ronald can keep his god damned fries.

MMA news, UFC 163 was over the weekend and the Korean Zombie got TKO’d. Again. This time it was Jose Aldo’s turn to beat the Korean Zombie. Phil Davis beat Lyoto Machida by unanimous decision. In Dingo news, he’s not on the show today because he’s in the X-Games party zone, or was. He hasn’t even texted anyone back so his mom called him from the show to make sure he was alright and didn’t drink and smoke too much at those crazy X-Games. In crazy fucker news, some crazy fucker tried to take out a bunch of people on the Venice Beach Boardwalk with his car, he ended up hitting 11 people and killing 1 tourist who was on their honeymoon and scared the ever loving fuck out of everyone else. In Aussie news, Daniel Johns of Silverchair fame made some sort of appearance some place, by himself, and the world was none the wiser. Remember the Australian guy that was steering his car with a pair of vice grips? Yeah, that one. He also had 2 blown out tires. Angry Anderson of Rose Tattoo fame is apparently racist as fuck. He was in some documentary called “Go Back To Where You Came From.” In metal as fuck news, James Hetfield turned 50 on Saturday. Rob Zombie wants noisy kids to quiet down, dag nabbit! Also, you should probably get off both of their lawns. In people with tails news, Ke$ha said she was born with a little stubby tail, but had it snipped off when she was just a baby. Some Indian boy has like a 7 incher of a tail on his back is being worshiped as a god, a god of hideous birth defects.

johnny_never_turns_down_a_fattie

Blunts? Johnny loves blunts. Tully? Not so much.

Rawdog talked about a video he found on his Facebook of some stupid vegan dude that’s stupid as shit, so fuck that stupid guy and let’s hear some Doing Stuff With Tully. First up, making a campfire. Tully says he’d surround the pit with rocks, find a bunch of dried leaves and paper and bunch of little sticks to start his campfire. So it has been said, and so it shall be done. How would Tully kill Will? One, he doesn’t have a motive so he thinks he’d try to find a window where he has a bunch of alibis and then try to poison as much of Will’s stuff as he could. If he had to shoot him, he’d try to find his house and shoot him in his bed with a pistol and a silencer. Then, how to launch a boat into the water. Tully would get it as close to the water as possible, make sure it was tied on so it didn’t float away, and then from there, he’s pretty lost. How would he unclog a kitchen sink drain? Use a half bottle of Drano, and if that didn’t work, call someone. What about wires hanging from a wall and turning it into an outlet? He’d make sure it was daytime, make sure the power was off by turning off every electrical breaker in his house. Then he’d Google it and ask the guy at Home Depot what to do next. How do you roll a blunt? Get the cigar, cut it open, get the tobacco out, load it up with weed, fold the sides over and blow that motherfucker. The raccoon in the house incident? Going by what he heard from a buddy, he’d go back to bed and hope they left. But, if he can’t call animal control and has to deal with it, he’d wait until it was asleep and beat the raccoon with a baseball bat. How about fixing a carburetor? He has no idea and isn’t even sure what it looks like. How about putting a chain back on a bike? He’d place the chain back on the sprocket and spin the wheel until each cog slips into it’s place. How would he commit suicide but make sure it made national headlines? First, he said he’d go to the Today Show with a bunch of bags of confetti inside his coat, underwear, pants, etc. As much confetti as he could pack onto his body and then explode himself. After more discussion, he changed his answer, but between Rawdog calling me mike_in_canada and me driving home, unable to take notes, I forgot what it was. There were a few more questions that Tully tried to answer, but the real thing to take from this is that, as smart as Tully is, there is plenty he admittedly can’t do. One thing he definitely can do though is, fuck your wife and fuck your mother. That much is clear.

kiss_who_you_want

Kiss me like one of your French babies.

In Russian news, the Bloodhound Gang recently performed in the Ukraine. One of the guys stuck the Russian flag down his pants and pulled it out the back and the BAM! They got assaulted and deported. Comedy Central hasn’t aired the James Franco Roast yet, but they did air a commercial for it where he gets fake punched in the face in slow-motion, not entirely unlike the video Ellis did. Roger Waters is being called antisemitic because he’s a big supporter of Palestine and had floated a giant pig with a star of David or some shit on it at a concert. Who cares besides self righteous pricks that feel their more entitled to be dicks than anyone else. Russel Brand was performing some comedy and talking about Katy Perry and how sometimes he’d think about other people before pulling out and jizzing on her tits. No! Really? The Smurfs suck, pretty much everything is better than The Smurfs. Voltron was cool as fuck, and that’s all you really need to know about Voltron. Which reminds me, a plane is dropping out of the sky like a stone, the pilot has given up hope, and the passengers are making their peace with the world and preparing themselves for certain death. At the end of the plane a stewardess stands up and shouts “Fuck this, if I’m going to die I want to go out having a good time. Before we die is there anyone on this plane that can make me feel like a woman one last time?” Near the back of the plane a tall, swarthy olive-skinned man stands up. Handsome, muscular and powerful. He strides down the aisle, sure-footed and graceful in spite of the plane’s bucking. The passengers fall silent as he passes. Walking slowly, he removes his jacket, then gently slips off his shirt to reveal broad shoulders and six-pack abs. As he nears the quivering stewardess, he stops, extends one confident hand to her, and in a gravelly bass voice whispers, “… here, iron this.” OH!

nuggets

ROTFLMAO

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Show Re-Cap for Thursday 7/11/2013

Devon Ellis! You better not be reading this or we’re going to tell your mummy and daddy, young lady!

shine_and_shinier

Hide yo kids, hide yo’ wives, cuz NYA is ruining young minds up in hurr!

It’s Thursday and people are testing my shit, what’s up with that shit, huh? Fuckin’ hell. Space helmets, Prometheus robot sticking a finger in your drink, and World War Z idiot. I don’t know what any of that is about (thanks work) and next thing I knew they were talking about having crazy gills, being able to swim like a dolphin, looking like an old shriveled ball sack, and swimming at the bottom of the ocean. Aquaman and old fish people could not swim as fast as a shark. So, everybody good and lost like me? Fantastic! Let’s see how much more I can miss because people are fucktarded. When’s the last time you hung out with an old guy and he wasn’t an ex-marine? Rawdog thinks he’ll be a cool old person and thinks he’s an “old soul” plus he likes camomile tea. Ellis’ ex, Andrea, thinks Ellis is racist against the Jews, but in reality he only hates Rawdog and her ex-boyfriend.

grandparents_house

Rawdog leaving Nana’s house.

Rawdog thinks his sister, Dumb-Dumb Snaggle-Tooth, is smart – like all the Jewish girls he knows or ever met, including his mother and Nana. He also thinks Asians are generally smart, but he can’t explain why they can’t drive and there are no Asian Nascar champs – go figure. Tully, on the other hand, thinks Albanians are stupid, genetically pre-disposed to be dumb as fuck. Remember yesterday how Ellis talked about his daughter seeing some stuff online? Yeah, well, turns out No You Are might be partially to blame for that. So uh… sorry about that! Makes sense though. NYA is written by a bunch of 8 year-olds. KACHOW! Let’s just pretend that didn’t happen and move on, cool? Cool. So uh, you on some of that d-ball son? It’s slang for “Duribol” which is an anabolic steroid typically injected in your ass.

creepy_phone

What’s more terrifying, old people or Freddy Krueger?

his_hers_towels

Rawdog & his girlfriend have his & her towels.

There’s a new anti-gay law in Russia, if you have any kind of homosexual propaganda and you could be fined and spend time in the polar clink. What’s even more weird is that unbeknownst to Rawdog, his girlfriend texted Ellis to ask him not to do anything to Rawdog’s cock and balls anymore now that he’s using them more. Ellis wants to have an Alice In Chains party and play more Alice In Chains on Faction. So the guys went through a bunch of their songs and picked out several to be put in rotation. This moved into some Elvis Costello song searching, but just for a bit because there’s just not enough time to delve into his deep tracks. When I suggested more Oingo Boingo and Rawdog agreed, it earned him a dick punch and me another lashing from Ellis and Will. So far today NYA has been bad and now me, I swear, this is not how my mother raised me! Corey Taylor (Slipknot) has a new book out that deals with the supernatural. It’s called: “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven: (Or, How I Made Peace with the Paranormal and Stigmatized Zealots and Cynics in the Process)” God damn that’s a long title. Brian Stann has retired from the UFC. That’s enough news for you, now it’s time for the Google auto-complete game that you don’t get to play, so there! I’ll tell you this much, Ellis and Rawdog have both gotten plane boners before, on long plane rides with some vibration and viola, they had plane boners. We were all having lots of fun with the game. And then Mayhem walked into the studio and brought that shit to a loud, screeching, halt.

come_on

Me yelling at Mayhem, who is yelling on the radio.

After a break and prepping for Mayhem’s antics, we came back to Hollywood news. Luckily for you, I was stuck in traffic so you’re going to get the abriged version. Justin Bieber peed in a mop bucket, Lil Twist got nabbed for DUI with a blunt in his hand, Joe Rogan has a new show on SciFi, and then there was some other stuff. The leader of the Church of Scientology, yeah, his wife has been missing since 2007 – nobody knows where the hell she’s at or heard from her and anyone who asks about her is told that it’s none of their business. Sounds legit. Johnny Depp wants to buy the Wounded Knee site and give it back to the Oglala Sioux Tribe. Jason Ellis’ mom (technically, he’s Hollywood, right?) texted him to say she just watched the Howard Stern interview with him and says she never protected his father or something. There’s a new movie out called Sharknado, it’s on TV tonight, and it’s full of C and B movie stars. This movie makes me think the guys should make Jewclone. It’s a cyclone full of the Jews in the Holocaust, sounds pretty good right? What about a porno called Jewkkake? No? Fine.

jar-jar_bangs

Even still, nobody likes Jar-Jar.

Mayhem has a new clothing line and he wants to sponsor Ellis, the deal? Ellis will do it as long as Mayhem never tweets Dana White again, ever. No deal, of course. And that pretty much wraps up today’s recap. Thanks for stopping by and reading, we hope you return tomorrow for another exciting recap filled with laughter, important life lessons, and factually true stories like this one. Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first cowboy says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.” The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.” The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. OH!

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Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 7/3/2013

kenyas_space_program

Just in time for the 4th, Kenya unveils their space program.

Here we are, last show of the week thanks to the 4th of July. MURICA! Ellis thinks it would be great to have Stern’s lovely locks, but he also believes you can create your own lovely locks, as he’s done with his head tattoo. It’s fun to make up stuff in your head, and sometimes it can be more satisfying than the shit you’re doing in real life. Tully has matured, as a musician. He used to play heavy and loud music, but now, other than Death! Death! Die!, he wouldn’t be looking to play the heavy stuff – but maybe more cracker soul type music. We got to hear some rap from the boys, should radio shows turn to just rapping and beats like Swayzizzle in the mornings. Culver City just be called Ball City, so you know what you’re gonna get when you go there. More talk about future Rawdog as a daddy, he thinks he’ll cut his fast food intake at least in half. And he’ll just sneak out of the house when he has to go get his McDonald’s fix, leaving his kids to fend for themselves with celery and carrots.

shannon_gunz

Who is Shannon Gunz, you ask?

Hospitals spend enormous amounts of money removing even more enormous objects from peopes’ asses. And with that, it’s NMT on Wednesday time. The best part? When Will had to record a New Music Wednesday button that talked about Josh “The Jewish Monster” Richmond beating the shit out of Shannon “The Animal” Shenanigans Gunz Gunz, with his Jewish claws. Nelly has a new album out, and I only mention that because he’s from St. Louis, but I’m sure it sucks just as much as the rest of the stuff out today – errr… yesterday. Whatever. Jay-Z apparently has a few songs on his new album that deal with him being a dad and how he had nobody around to teach him how to be a man or good father, so he’s learning that now. This led us into Shannon “The Animal” Shenanigans Gunz Gunz being in studio to go against Rawdog in the primal challenge. If Rawdog beats Gunz, he gets to grab her box (over the jeans) and Gunz beats Rawdog, she gets to show Ellis her tits. Surprisingly, no vomit noises from Rawdog after his workout, but we did hear some nice grunting coming from Gunz while she did her workout. Wait, wait… scratch that, we finally got some vomit from Rawdog while Gunz was making girl tennis grunts and that’s when millions of wads were simultaneously blown around the globe. In the end, Shannon beat Rawdog, didn’t barf, and could talk on the radio right afterwards – so I guess she gets to show her tits to Ellis.

barney_my_pebbles

Women & Barney, am I right?

Women, am I right? time! Some chick saw a Muslim guy and freaked out because she thinks Muslim cab drivers drive for a year or so to save up money so they can blow themselves up. Then she called 911 to complain that she felt threatened by the Muslim driving the cab she was in. A female weather reporter doing umm, the weather, saw a little bug on the projector while doing her thing in front of the green screen and flipped the fuck out. A woman in Oklahoma called 911 after she got stuck in a charity donation bin. Two sisters in Miami got pulled over, the sisters switched spots (driver to passenger) and both got arrested for DUI. A woman in Massachusetts called police and said she had been abducted, but she just locked herself in trunk because she didn’t want to be arrested for DUI. A woman in New Zealand glued her lips shut and tried to call police for help by grunting over the phone. A couple having sex in an SUV ran over a woman who called 911 on them. A family of 3 from Ohio were arrested for attempting to sever fingers of a romantic rival with pruning shears. A woman in Kansas City, MO poured gas on a bus rider and threatened to light motherfuckers on fire because she wanted that god damned bus seat.

blurred_porn

It’s not porn if the Aflac duck is in it.

I forgot the rest while I was driving in traffic, so we’ll just have to skip ahead to some chick that started a website full of videos of couples “making love” (or whoopee) instead of fucking like in porn. Her idea is that the world will be full of better lovers if they watch boring missionary intercourse instead of porn star maneuvers. Little Timmy won’t expect to blast his load in little Jenny’s face, and shit will go back to the 1800’s where everybody was stiff, boring, smelly, and the complete opposite of hot. Oh, and her site is a pay-for service so you little kids with working credit cards, there ya go. Talk about dumb ideas, what horny kid is gonna opt for watching old & fat people making love when they can see cock starved whores gobble up wad like it was elixir from the fountain of youth, for free? Some would even argue that porn has made the world better. Could you imagine if you never got blow jobs or titty fucked? That’s just wrong. And with that, I’ll wrap up this re-cap so I can go make a brine for these chickens I’ma be smoking tomorrow for the 4th! Have a good rest of the week and weekend errybody! Oh, speaking of food and ‘Murica, let’s be real assholes and take a minute to make jokes about people from another country! Ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they. How do you start an Ethiopian rave party? Stick a piece of toast on the ceiling. What’s positive about Ethiopia? HIV. And what do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit? Showing off. OH!

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