Show recap for Friday 5/29/15

Holy shit it’s Friday already! I’ve been on vacation all week and forgot what day it was. Don’t you hate it when people say that? Ellis kicked off the show talking about kids and cell phones and how his daughter wants her own phone because her Hollywood spoiled shit fuck friends have one. J said no because he doesn’t think a third grader should have downloada phone and rightly so, they’re dumb enough already without one. Tully is going to his high school reunion, ummm, tomorrow? I wasn’t paying much attention but it’s gonna be a total sausage fest. That’s kinda what happens when you go to an all boys school. They chatted a bit about kids and TV and how it doesn’t suck watching TV with them so much when they get older. EM11 confirmations were announced, one famous dude might fight another famous dude, and some more names were suggested. Continue reading

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Show Re-Cap for Thursday 9/25/14

What’s up everybody! Jenni Mazky here to slap you in the face with my recapping lady boner! Haha, fooled you, I’m covering today for Jenni so your gonna get full on man a2b6053927fcb38fa92bccdfda864da9a170f5449c3c97e656bc5334e468605dboner today! Ellis started the show off saying that he’s a dude. A manly dude. A manly man dude that pays taxes and watches movies. And that manly man dude went and saw a movie where the guy cheated and then Ellis realized that he hurt a bunch of chicks because he cheated on them and feels bad. So if you’re one of the chicks Ellis screwed around on, he’s sorry, and thank you for reading these recaps. On the topic of movies, there’s a movie out called Walrus by Kevin Smith and, spoiler alert…. IT SUCKS! But not in a “The Notebook” kinda way, more like this movie is so dumb and aweful it’s brilliant. So go see it, but don’t do it sober, and don’t blame me if you don’t like it, you probably weren’t inebriated enough to fully get it. Ellis got shit whipped at gym this morning. He needed some face therapy to get his chakras and tang realigned. Tully brought up the subject of how you cheat. He wasn’t sure of the logistics of it and basically Ellis was all opportunity, if it was available he’d smash it. Tully figures that there’s three underlying reasons people cheat, the victory of the prize, getting to see someone naked, and of course, the sex. Sex is like pizza, even bad three day old cold pizza that’s still in the box feels good when you wrap it around your shaft like a dick pizza burrito.

Horse Force is gonna be in New York tomorrow month! Get your tickets yesterday.
Hogan’s Beach is a place in Florida that is cosigned by Hulk Hogan himself so you’d think it would be a pretty awesome place, well it is. Except for their racist dress code.

  • No oversized t-shirts extending past the mid thigh brother!
  • No excessively baggy attire brother!
  • No low hanging pants or shorts brother!
  • No hats facing sideways or back facing brother!
  • No oversized or excessive jewelry brother!
  • No camouflage (unless with military ID) brother!
  • No workout clothing (including track suits, jump suits, sweat pants or basketball shorts) brother!
  • No high-top sneakers brother!
No shirt, no shoes, none of you people, brother!

No shirt, no shoes, none of you people, brother!

This story started off a bit of Hollywood News, it’s been a while so fuck it, here ya go. The Situation and his brother failed to pay taxes on 9mil earned last year and now the IRS is up their ass deeper than Richard Gere’s gerbil. I think the worst part of the story isn’t that they didn’t pay their taxes but that those two douche nossles made 9mil. Fucking bullshit. I need abs and a gay ass haircut. The Edge is building 5 mansions side by side and pissing off his neighbors. They don’t give a shit about the houses, they tumblr_mvxju6x54v1rdutw3o1_400just want that shitty U2 album off their phones. Enough about Hollywood, there were a couple more stories but I already met my quota. The Ultimate Fighter was the topic of the next discussion. They talked about that one chick that cried, the other chick that cried, and the chick that was crying because everyone makes fun of her because her witch like face is fun to make fun of. It’s only fair that God lets her win every Halloween costume contest and the rest of the year we get to giggle and say “yes my pretty.” But despite all the namby pamby drama there’s still gonna be blood on the mat, and most of it will be from cuts.

A Miami cop got fired because he tested positive for cocaine (shocker) but then he was reinstated after he explained that he never before in his life did bumps and then they figured out it was probably the cock cream he got from a Cuban dude in a dark alley. Fall TV time, basically all the shitty show’s are gonna lead to the end of the world. Nobody will survive, not even the Indians, feather not dot. The dot Indians will probably die too though but the other Indians think they’ll survive because their ancestors used to. Mother fuckers, my ancestors used to build windmills with rocks and wooden crying-indian-ohammers, that doesn’t mean I can too. You go kill a buffalo with a sharp stick and show me what to do with every part, even the butthole. And don’t try to tell me they used it as a scrunchie or bracelet either! And on another note, hey Canada, stop being angry at us about Canada stuff, we just live here in regular houses without 14 months of ice and the threat of polar bear attacks. And then there were the callers. You can’t see it but I’m just shaking my head in disappointment like the time your dad caught you dancing to Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

The worlds most awesome mother made her kids class a bunch of cookies, but not just any cookies, vagina shaped cookies complete with love buttons so the kids can become more familiar with female anatomy and eating pussy. Speaking of eating pussy, see that segway, fucking pro, Ash Hollywood came in the studio. She visited, she didn’t actually

real vaginas aren't that colorful unless you're fucking a clown

real vaginas aren’t that colorful unless you’re fucking a clown

cum. So who is this mystery woman you ask. Is she a photographer? Does she work with animals? Does get people off on the radio and do porn? Well if you guessed the first two then you are a raging moron. She works with/for/on the same channel as Joanna and does a show two days a week where she helps lonely men flog the bishop and fulfill their deepest fantasies while parked in a truck stop way in the back. Today she taught Ellis and Tully the art of radio masturbation and then they gave it a shot and let me tell you friends, I’ve never been so turned on. I can only assume that the crotches of every girl in America and parts of Canada are moister than a scissor dance cookie wiggle session with Betty Crocker and Sara Lee. Aside from assisting with roadside wrestle matches with the one eyed purple headed wu-tang-clanyogurt slinger we learned that Ash is afraid of mall Santas, retards, and loves Pokemon. Okay not the last one but her fucking name is Ash, how could I not jam a Pokemon joke in there. Just like how she got jammed by Mr. Redbull cock and tore her vagina hole. After I thought I heard it all she mentioned the time she gave a chick a Wu-Tang. Now what is a Wu-Tang you ask, surprisingly it has nothing to do with ODB. She said its where you cram your hands into an emotionless body with a hole and make the Wu-Tang signs while smiling over your shoulder at the camera. Cleaner than the dirty waffle but not as much fun as the Cleveland steamer. But don’t take my opinion, just go ask yer mum, she’s the one that taught me the Kennebunkport Surprise, OH!

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Show Recap for Thursday 9/18/2014

big-hog-cheddar-dog

Is this the Big Hog Cheddar Dog or Ellis’ giant penis?

It’s me again fuckers, bitPimps here to give you a recap on Thursday. Ellis gassed out 5 times today, he feels great, he feels alive. But since this is in the past, it’s not going to matter or be true any longer. Hamburgers and hotdogs, that shit was nowhere before America. Don’t even get started on pies, apple pie fucking rules the pile world. Hotdog is a fool because he loves fruit, but doesn’t like warm fruit, such as in a fresh apple pie. Hello, Hotdog, ice cream! Poor dude is so lost in his San Diego ways, it’s like he’s living a lie. But you know what? He’s the only person on the show who remembers where PieNot is. Tully’s family is southern enough to be full on white trash, but their close and he loves a good mozzarella stick – it sure beats the shit out of a hard boiled egg from a fucking gas station. Will came barging into the studio, not for anything particular, but he had pictures for Ellis to look at, pictures of the race Ellis will be at over the weekend. Some gay (or maybe not) guy posted full on nudes of Ellis online again. Calm down, it wasn’t fresh nudies, these were dick & balls from the Stern show, but put into boxes like those porn stars tend to do. This big race Ellis is going to? You can go there and ask to see his dick & balls if you want, which coincidentally or not, they are unveiling the “Big Hog Cheddar Dog” at this event, which is not Ellis’ dick & balls, but a huge thing on it’s own. Where did the saying ‘shit eating grin’ come from? And who grins after eating shit? Besides Germans, I mean. Some caller said the saying comes from ‘grinning like a possum eating shit’ but I’m calling bullshit on that. Even during the Great Depression, nobody was eating shit and grinning because of it. Now the saying, ‘sweating like a dog shitting peach seeds’ is totally traceable and understandable, because could you imagine trying to shit a peach seed? You’re gonna sweat profusely. The phrase ‘shitting in tall cotton’ is also totally traceable and makes sense. you’re shitting in a field, hidden by the cotton growing, and you get to use the cotton you pick to wipe your ass. It’s natures toilet paper, before it becomes toilet paper of course, but hey, it’s better than a poison oak leaf.

fart-a-thon-rule

The only rule to farting is don’t shit yourself. Well, that and don’t shit the mattress.

Brandon Lillard is a friend of the show and he got seriously hurt during a base jump. His medical bills are mounting there’s a GoFundMe page setup if you’d like to help. Hotdog gets to finish his signature segment, “what’s the worst fart experience you’ve had”. Ellis farted in the morning today and it scared Katie. She thought he was asleep, but he wasn’t, he had just woken up and his bubble butt ass let it rip. Hotdog knows what’s up, he wakes up farting too. I’m pretty sure all men wake up with farts ready to be released. Anyway, Hotdog kept his segment going from the previous day, when it got cut a little short because Ellis had to unexpectedly leave to go pick up Tiger from school. Callers with chili and fart stories came about, callers with non-chili farts called, it was a real fart-a-thon that Jerry Lewis would be impressed with, however, I’m not sure it beat the previous days fart-a-thon. One of the biggest surprises is that Hotdog has a sore tummy today and has been farting in the green room all morning. Tully wants him fired for this. Some dude farted in an elevator while Hilary Clinton was in there, that guy gets a t-shirt for his American fart efforts. Tully’s down with farting in front of Barbra Bush, and I’m backing that decision. She’s old, she wouldn’t even know if it was her, the person next to her, Jesus, or Satan. Oxycottonjohn called in with his own fart story, he got sent home one time from his work, he was farting so bad in the mail room and while he was delivering mail, he kept crop dusting the office. He got so many complaints, the boss came down and addressed the fartissue he had. While his boss is reprimanding him for his fart delivery, he was still ripping farts. He got sent home for farting too much. If you didn’t already know his legendary status, you should now. Ellis did not like learning that Tully tends to have to fart before he pisses. The conundrum is that the most acceptable place to rip a fart in front of another human is the bathroom. Hotdog got a few professional pointers on his segment and then we went to fart out some names for new Wolfknives members with Hotdog in tow, allowing him to test out his “off the cuff” skills. I found it endearing that towards the end of naming Wolfknives, Hotdog started to sound like an early 20-something Pendarvis.

top-gun2-oh

Wait. Is this about Top Gun 2 or shit? It’s shit. Isn’t it.

There’s a total douche social network starting up, and that little piece of news started off a whole situation that blew up into a douche bomb. So since there won’t be new music segment, it was a perfect time for World News. Which was written down, but didn’t actually exist. That was a perfect segue into Hollywood News, and to kick it off, it was the announcement of Kim Dylla (Vulvatron) becoming the new frontwoman of GWAR. Something or another about Sharon Osbourne and how one time she did something weird with Ozzy when she was young. Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are done, soooo… maybe she’ll leak a photo of her tits or something? I don’t know. Anyway, there’s 3 movies slated to be made that sound horrible. Top Gun 2 is one of them and you have to wonder how that’ll play out. Goose is fucking dead man. Does Tom Cruise come back as an instructor at Top Gun or is he all old and farting in an F-22 Raptor or… what the fuck? Anyway, Tom has apparently signed on for this fucking thing, and it also sounds like the movie will contain a lot of drones, so I guess he’ll be teaching sentient drones how it’s done when it comes to flying.  I don’t know where to go with that. Anyway, you’re not even reading this. This doesn’t even exist. And I’m just gonna close this thing out with sledgehammer. Ellis has a friend, a girl, who told him that one time during some butt eating, this girl’s boyfriend ate her butt, he found a nugget in there and ate it. And liked it. He said he enjoyed it. And one time he tried to pass it back to her. And you can probably guess who this girl is. And she didn’t like to get her poo passed back to her. And she also said it wasn’t that bad. And I have to Arsenio Hall out of this thing with a “hmmmmm”. So I leave you with this last bit of shit about butts. Trick Daddy don’t eat pussy anymore. He only eats butt. And he’ll eat your girls butt if you don’t, so keep that in mind. Thank you. Good night.

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Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 9/3/2014

who-me-what

Is he gonna mention… OH! HE DID! Doo-doot-dah-doo.

Welcome to Wednesday and welcome to this recap, bitPimps here filling in for your usual Wednesday host CrackerStacker6. He’s busy playing grown up with work stuff, so you’re stuck with me. Deal with it. Ellis might try some transinmental demonstrations, also known as transcendental meditation, which of course is also known as letting your cock do the feeling for you – literally. He also thinks he’s got 2 ingrown hairs above his dick from the waxing, making it look like a face down there. Katie tried to pop them shits and get the hair out and she also popped a pimple on Ellis’ back, because she’s a ride or die bitch. Tully’s got a wicked pimple on the back of his earlobe that he just can’t get. Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s show on HLN last night. They talked about War Machine and how some people are backing him beating up his ex-girlfriend because, trifling bitches be getting outta line. Then they talked about the recently leaked nude photos of celebrities like Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton, also known as “The Fappening”. I got a shout out for sending Ellis a tweet last night about the topic which spurred him to drop a sweet little mini-bomb on Drew’s show, it was pretty hilarious because it broke this bitches brain to the point she couldn’t even finish her sentence and the rest of the panel was left a bit speechless. Oh, live broadcast Friday from the Roosevelt, 15 girls gargling cum and spitting it into each other’s assholes! There’s a contest too, if you can get to Hollywood on Friday, you can be eligible to win your shot at being a part of this massive dick-ka-bob orgy fest, plus you could walk away with all kinds of free kick-ass shit. Hit up WolfknifeOfTheYear.com or MissWolfknives.com to enter and win!

Hollywood News time, Cee Lo Green is stupid and might be getting fucked in the buttocks for saying kind of getting convicted of rape and kind of saying it ain’t rape if the bitch is unconscious. Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie got married! Did you just cum? Corey Feldman got divorced or something! Did you just cum again? Justin Bieber wrecked his ATV into someone’s minivan and got into a fight so now he’s in trouble again. Clean up your cum. As well all know, Suge Knight got shot the fuck up, maybe because he was going to be a rat and write a book about some dirty deeds done dirt cheap. Spray some Febreze, it still smells cummy. Chris Tucker owes back taxes for 2001, 2002, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2008, and 2010 – for a grand total of $14M! Holy shit man. You just got knocked the fuck out lost your home and cars! The lead singer of Survivor died, ironically – Survivor, get it?

washington-arm-floaties

George Washington definitely drank his own Kool-Aid.

A listener (Ryan) sent in an electric fly-swapper / bug zapper racket thing, so of course it had to be tested on Cumtard. Tully shocked Cumtard’s bare ass and flab-abs for awhile, it sounds like we might have a new torture device for the show. Then Wilson brought in his massive white meat, ham hock shins for a zapping on his bad knee. I don’t think it helped, but tomorrow will be the real indicator. Cumtard got another zap on his ear and saw God. World’s Greatest Wednesday, who in their own mind, believes themselves to be – at their peak – the world’s greatest person? Whether they are or not. Here are your top 10, in order:

  1. Kanye West
  2. Dan Bilzerian
  3. Genghis Khan
  4. William Shatner
  5. Kim Jong-un
  6. Arnold Schwarzenegger
  7. Steven Seagal
  8. Hulk Hogan
  9. Charlie Sheen
  10. Muhammad Ali
meme-will-smith

What’s on my face? I mean, besides a handsome smile?

Floridians have been put on alert by a fat, furry caterpillar that makes itself a home in the trees there. The catch? It’s covered in venom and will fuck your shit up quick, son. But enough about furry little caterpillars that will kill you, it’s time for What’s On My Face! Cumtard will be competing against Ellis, both will be wearing the “cone of shame” that dogs wear when they get their nuts clipped. Cumtard gets the first mystery item, which turned out to be honey. Ellis missed his guess, which turned out to be wet toilet paper. Cumtard scores his second point by guessing the next item, chewed up bubble gum. Ellis scores his first point by guessing a stick of butter. Cumtard guessed his next item pretty easily because Jetta cracked an egg on his forehead and dumped it into the cone of shame. Ellis managed to guess his next item, vaseline. I’m near pissing myself at this point between the egg and vaseline. Cumtard finally guessed his next item, it took him awhile, but he finally got it – a tampon. Ellis got his next item pretty quickly as it ran into his eye, it was yogurt. Cumtard can’t stop smelling cum and shit and now his next item is leaking into his eye as well, but he powered through and guess it, it was pork-n-beans. Ellis can’t stop guessing seriously dead meat, he’s losing composure on this one as Hotdog keeps smushing this thing into his face & head. He never regained composure and failed to guess the item, a raw chicken foot. Cumtard just got waterboarded so he guessed it pretty quickly, but was terrified as he almost drown. Ellis guessed his next item pretty quickly as well, probably from the stench & suction, it was an octopus tentacle. Cumtard heard the words you never want to hear for his next item, among the various “OH NO!” and “I don’t know where that one went” comments, he finally guessed it, meal worms. Ellis guessed his right way as it got a shock collar right to the face. Cumtard got his next item right away too, permanent marker being scribbled on his face. Ellis didn’t take long fo guess his last item either as it started to freak out on his face, it was a gecko. For those of you not keeping score, Cumtard won the contest. Recapping it just doesn’t do it justice, you should really go back and listen to the bit, it was pretty fucking hilarious.

washington-ordered-fries-with-this

Food service workers. Fucking up your order since the beginning.

I don’t know if this proves there is no God, or it proves there is a God, but this Brazilian man was born with an upside down head and became a public speaker! Christ on bike, that image will fucking haunt you for the rest of your life, or at least for the rest of today. The man who shut down a kid’s lemonade stand is now under investigation, and not just for being a massive dickhead. Oh, by the way, check out Faction. Some of Ellis’ 2 hour pre and 2 hour post show music selections are starting to work their way into the mix! That pretty much wraps up the show and this recap. I hope you enjoyed yourself. And now, back to your regular scheduled programming.

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