Happy Birthday Cliff Burton!!! Hopefully I’m spelling that right cause I’m too lazy to Google right now and…yup…that’s that..Happy Birthday I am too lazy to google the correct spelling of your name!!! God, I’m kind of a bitch. But i have nice boobs and a great ass and I can do a shoulder stand on my bed while Hubbs eats my pussy at 3 in the morning cause core strength is a thing and mula bandha, motherfuckers.
March 7th, 2014 turned out to be a pretty important day. It was the birth of an epic honky rap battle between The Jason Ellis Show cast & crew that I’m calling “Half Mile”.
It consists of a short rap battle battle between: Ellis, Tully, Wilson, Cumtard, Jetta, & Hardcore for the chance to be named “Saltine of the Earth”. There were two rounds. First round, everyone battled. The two worst (as voted on by callers) would then be sent to the second round. In this round, the two whitest people would battle one another for supremacy of the whitest white devil of them all. Based solely on their horrific rap skills. So let’s listen to how it all played out.
Elimination Round + The Final Round
Holy fuck, I was so wrapped up in giving the show ideas for the wheel of doom, I almost forgot it was my day to shit all over the keyboard and call it art… I mean, RECAP THE JASON ELLIS SHOW!!!! Hey dude-bros and chick-bitches, how’s it goin’? Good? Shut up, I don’t care, cause it’s time for the Wing to break us off some good times to enjoy our respective lunches/drives home to. The show started with a new sound drop from the movie Red Dragon, cause it just needs to be. Also Jude was in studio, and since that’s never a bad time, well then good on ya. The guys talked movies for a quick minute, mostly cause Jude didn’t know about Red Dragon and all the sequels/prequels of the silence of the lambs franchise. Jason wondered if Jodie Foster is one of those lesbians that goes all natural or if she shaves her ass hair, and after some discussion, it was determined that she probably keeps it as clean as all of Southern California. Jude has a habit of dunking ladies faces in his armpit when he’s plowing them so that they get a good whiff of pheremones and remember the experience the next time they cum. Also, Italian guys have been known to wipe a handkerchief under their balls then wear it in their front pocket, as a way of attracting the opposite (or same, cause y’know, Europe) sex. It all revolves around making sure you know how to approach the subject of stank with your loved ones. Some people can take a little constructive criticism, but other people need to be told that you can’t afford to reupholster the couch every time you guys have company just so you’ll stop getting letters from the city about the biohazard living under your roof. This brought the conversation aroound to how everybody’s balls have a different scent, very similar to that of hairless cats, but just as unique as every snowflake. But it could never trump the theoretical horrors that could be lurking in every vagina. Jude told some stories about ladies that he banged, and I kind of missed most of it cause there was pizza in front of me that I had to start processing into poo, but there was banter and it was good. This all stopped for a minute when Tully announced that one of his wife’s friends listens to the show, so let’s keep it clean and not bring up vaginal disgustingness. But fuck all that, cause before Jude runs off, it’s time for Ellis Jeopardy! And some apologies from Jude to Cumtard for staring deep into his girlfriend’s holes on his show yesterday, he didn’t realize it was already claimed. That said, the guys got jeopardy underway and it was hilarious as always cause of Jason’s odd, disjointed descriptions of things, and the hilarious buzzers that each of the contestants get. Jude won, surprisingly enough, but that didn’t deflect from the guys talking about Cumtard’s girlfriend and the Foreally show, which I have listened to every episode of and it is fucking hilarious. The guys talked for a bit about holistic healers and animal whisperers and I can just bisect all of this and tell you that I was hanging out drinking with a “psychic” while she was off the clock, and she admitted that it really is a load of shit. Jason keeps having problems with his Porsche picking up nails in the tires and Porsche trying to sell him new tires like he’s got liquid rubber spilling out of his dick. Let’s all stew on that mental image and listen to a little target practice.
So, have you ever taken your kids to the circus? I went years ago, but that’s back when the animals got legitimately beaten and they didn’t have all these obnoxious French people doing synchronized trapeze or some shit. But anyways, the reason this was brought up is because Tully found a video of a bunch of acrobats basically getting dick slapped by Jesus from high up on top of the American Flag while he was polishing off a Big Mac. That’s what you get for doing away with the bearded lady shooting ping pong balls out of her vag. Jason and Tully talked for a while about the best look for a bearded lady, which got a little too complicated for a whole bunch of talk about someone you’re not gonna be trying to wife up. Jason was checking out a house that he might be buying, and him and Katie noticed that the real estate agent had the most ridonkulous booty that either of them had ever seen on such a short, skinny lady. Jason started talking about a movie he saw about some guy who started a cult and got all his followers to commit suicide, much like Jonestown. This prompted the guys to start talking about how to make a really bitchin’ cult that wouldn’t necessarily have to be all about killing yourself or cutting your nuts off so the head of it will let you stay married to your significant other. The guys took some phone calls about cults and how they’re really fucked up and you should avoid them at all costs, especially the ones with lots of members…like Christianity. And then there was some talk about post WW2 economic prosperity and pimps and the later parts of the industrial revolution, it was kind of hard to string together cause work was really slow and that pizza had me falling asleep at my desk (hey, it takes a lot of energy to turn pizza into poo). But it all came around to how the baby boomers were the first generation to be just entitled enough to think they had it made by not conforming and it was a colossal failure cause hippies are stupid, and the next generation which brought punk rock with it were kind of the same, only a lot more nihilistic and anti-everything than pro-everything. Hardcore didn’t like that analogy, and I think Tully might be missing a certain amount of historical context of some of those things, but he brought it all together with the talk they were having about cults and how it’s basically people who have it pretty good who now have the free time to try new shit and cults are just big groups of people on the same wavelength at the same time. Namely, that they should become eunuchs and sell their children for sex to their benevolent leader and then partake in a mass suicide to secure their place on the ass end of an intergalactic semen. However, there’s money and sweet ass orgies to be had in a cult, so Jason and Tully kicked around the idea of starting their own, complete with pole dancing and any kind of wheeled machine that runs on nitromethane that is available for public purchase. There were some phone calls about cults and people who know cult members and such, and it sounds like cults are fucking shitty. Except for all those guys who were walking around with rolls of quarters in their socks, getting ready to go all Charles Bronson on some fuckin’ aliens and joyride a space ship all the way to your anus (not a typo). There were some more phone calls about cults, and Jason is very happy with some beanie that Tully had made for him that sticks to his head like a fresh sheet of grip tape when he hasn’t shaved his dome for a few days. Long story short, let’s just pray to Monster Energy and go skate and destroy. It seems like a much simpler happier way to live. We’ll even let the longboard guys come hang out, cause shredding a pool isn’t for everybody, some people just gotta bomb hills, and there doesn’t have to be any malice between them. Tully floated the idea for a new reality show that would pit the best of the best of your hillbilly militias versus an army special forces unit and see who can win a full force game of paintball. Jason played some bizarre sound effect he had found on YouTube as a way to try and get callers to guess so they could win some free shit, and I can only describe this sound as something similar to your average cartoon vulture fucking your average cartoon elephant, but in fact it was two lynx talking to eachother. Who knew? So, with that out of the way, the guys got back to talking about kicking a bitch in the cunt, in the form of song, and we all took a few minutes to collect ourselves for what would be next.
The guys came back and decided it would be a good idea tp introduce themselves properly and respectfully to the newest subscribers of faction, and they did so by playing audio of Jim Jones preaching to his congregation of insane followers. Let’s just say, if it was in German, it would have sounded really similar to another guy from sometime in, oh, I don’t know, the 1930s. Luckily Charles Manson never had that particular silver tongue, he just had to invite people over for orgies with chicks who had crazy STD’s, which in it’s own way is probably the single greatest weapon ever developed. It would seriously minimize a lot of civilian deaths and debilitate a population. Cumtard bought balloons for his girlfriend, so the guys had to take a few minutes to discuss how this is probably the most dateable he’s ever gonna be, so he better make the best of it and get all he can out of the lady he’s smashing right now. Cumtard shat in the hat (poet and I didn’t know it) to get his sample off to the doctor so that they could figure out what the fuck is wrong with him, other than the fact that he’s in his thirties and still watches the original Ninja Turtles and poops in a plastic fireman’s hat to send it to a doctor because he has diarrhea for weeks at a time. The guys couldn’t help but talk about feces for a while after this, cause you really can make all the jokes in the world somehow come back to the topic of bodily waste. In the midst of this, it was discovered that someone rearranged the buttons and the Cumtard butt-chugging buttons were removed, for no clear reason at all, and a witch hunt would need to be performed to find them. In honor of Kevin making his first solid horse chips in several weeks, the guys decided to make him put on a shock collar and huff a bunch of helium to produce some interesting new screams. He also sang his signature tune “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH FUCK!!!!! Sk8r BoiAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! AAAAHHHHHOOOOOOWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” and the townspeople rejoiced. He also did a pretty awesome rendition of “Mother” by Danzig, and the guys put it in the works to have “electric helium guy” be a permanent contestant on the dating game, should they ever decide to do it again. Then Cumtard did an electric helium rendition of “Hits from the bong” by Cypress Hill, and if B-Real heard it, he would laugh, and then probably kick him in the dick just one time, on principle. Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, the guys put out a call for suggestions for new things to put on the wheel of doom, and they discussed some of the better suggestions, like getting a “YOLO” tattoo in henna somewhere really visible, like the forehead. There was also drinking coffee that was made with Cumtard’s underwear as a filter, chewing a flavored condom and blowing a bubble, eat anchovies while listening to Bon Jovi, make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with your dick then eat it, get blindfolded and try to ID everyone’s feet by their own particular stank, memorize the lyrics to a Coldplay song then sing it, Bengay your armpits, toilet spelunking, and many others that didn’t get mentioned cause the guys have stuff to do, like MMA news! Junior Dos Santos fucked up his hand and won’t be able to fight in his next bout, so the main event just got a lot lamer for whatever was gonna be happening in Brazil. There was some more drama about this event from the previous main event between Chael Sonnen and Wanderlei Silva, but it’s kind of up in the air what all the details are, so we’ll just skip that until all the facts come in. Plus, I wasn’t paying that close attention and may have gotten one or more of those names wrong. There was more talk about The Ultimate Fighter and whether or not they may be in China, or Brazil, and whether Chung Li or Blanka may be competing in the next season. In better news though, Vitor Belfort is gonna replace testosterone therapy with prayer, cause really, when has that not ever solved any of the world’s problems? The guys kicked around the idea for a cheater league of MMA fighters that would all be on TRT or roids or crystal meth, and I think that would be awesome, like bumfights but it’s people with money. They talked boxing for a while too, cause there was that Mayweather fight this weekend, and that was apparently a big deal to a lot of folks. The guys watched a video of what allegedly happened to Wanderlei Silva in Brazil that might have caused his back injury that took him out of that one fight, and from the outside looking in, I could certainly believe that it’s a lot of drama I wouldn’t want to be a part of.
SCIENCE!!! It keeps telling us important shit that some people refuse to believe, because they don’t grasp the concept that just because they don’t like something doesn’t mean that it’s not an absolute proven fact. But in this particular case, what science has found is that there’s an insect where the lady has a penis and the man has a vagina, and they moved to the Castro District of San Francisco and opened a really gay donut shop that has great krullers, but you will have to try and evade a guy in short shorts and roller skates trying to get your number. This brought up the question of what if this was the way it was all across humanity, and it might be cool for a “Freaky Friday” kind of movie, but it would probably get old, or weird, in a relatively short amount of time, cause if there’s one thing Craigslist has taught me, it’s that people are getting really restless when it comes to new things to try sexually. Of course, the question had to come up, what would porn be like if the organs were reversed? Would guys want to see ladies with 19 inch inverted uteri? Or would we want something a little more reasonable, like ladies generally do? And would guys get PMS? Would we lose the ability to parallel park and get ready to leave the house in five minutes or less? What about that whole “$0.70 on the dollar” thing that’s been keeping me from starving to death for the last 12 years? Would the “Women, Am I Right?” segment all of a sudden become way less interesting cause guys are the ones flipping out and throwing shovels at people? Would “The View” turn from a morning stitch and bitch into a sensible news program? WOULD THE WORD BITCH STILL RETAIN IT’S WONDERFUL ENTERTAINING DEFINITION IN THE MIRRIAM-WEBSTER ENGLISH DICTIONARY?!?!!?!!?! Tully is definitely more concerned about this than anybody, cause Linsanity has recently started having bad dreams and being scared of the dark, to which I would advise him to play Iron Maiden’s “Fear Of The Dark” over and over and over until Linsanity learns to enjoy the darkness, cause it’s necessary for Satanic rituals and criminal activity. Some parents got ornery with a flight attendant cause she was trying to get their daughter, who was getting pounded out in the bathroom, to calm down cause other people couldn’t hear the in flight safety instructions. But hey, what would have happened if she was the one with the dick smashing out some guys man-vag? WOULD THE PARENTS HAVE EVEN GOTTEN INVOLVED?!?!?!?! IT AIN’T THEIR DAUGHTER GETTING BROKE OPEN IN AN AIRPLANE LAVATORY!!! It’s a question that we’ll probably never get an answer to. The guys talked about the new cast of Star Wars for a bit, and how Yoda may have been a supreme Jedi master, but the force couldn’t fix his legs, so maybe it’s not as all powerful as James Earl Jones would like us to believe. The guys were gonna try and skype with some folks, but skype is a dishonest cunt and the production budget of the Jason Ellis Show can’t be stretched far enough to have a permanent IT guy. There were some final calls and stuff, and with Hardcore on the phones, we were able to weed out a lot of the shit that would normally get through and make Jason want to rip the phone out of the wall. Don’t forget, if you want to be in the biggest loser fight at EM10, you’re running out of time to become a big fat fuck and then lose the weight, so get on a philly cheese steak milk shake and start using lard in your morning coffee.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers.
Sexual degenerate Jason Ellis is live! But let’s not fuck around here, we got some serious news to get into. MLG and ESPN have teamed up for the first-ever e-sports event at X-Games in Austin, Texas. That’s right, the world of action sports has been so diluted now that button pushing video gamers will now have a chance to win an X-TREME BRONZE, or a REALLY X-TREME SILVER, or the all mighty REALLY SUPER DOUBLE X-TREME GOLD medal in the X-Games. Ah yes, people will remember where they were at when Jimmy Pisspants pulled off the first ever “trash talk you mom, B, A, B, A” button combo! Remember that one time that video game character died and got tea bagged by another video game character? Riveting. Ellis is heated about this and refuses to go to X-Games. Dingo, being the savvy investor he is, understands the bold move but also thinks it’s pretty funny. Tully agrees that fine, people can be into video games and watch other people play video games, but the combination doesn’t belong or work together. This topic took up the entire first hour of the show, which is understandable due to the nature of the channel, the show, and Ellis & company.
Before the show could go into break, Kenda Perez called in with this past weekends UFC bouts in Baltimore. Overall, the fights were pretty good. Two quick side notes here. 1. Ellis had a dream about Rhonda Rousey where she wouldn’t let him train at her gym but held his hand while she told him this, so that’s sweet. And 2. Dingo needs a potty break, but toughed it out since Kenda was on the phone. Anyway, Jones once again defended his title, this time against Glover Teixeira. Phil Davis lost his fight against Anthony Johnson. Some dude with gauges in his earlobes fought with his gross jump rope earlobes taped up so a finger or toe wouldn’t accidentally get caught in there rip that shit. Oh, and this 5′ 11″ chick fighter dressed in all green looked kinda like a female Jolly Green Giant – also, she lost her fight. Anyway, I’m not reporting all that, you can go online to read what all happened if you haven’t already seen it. And that lead us into the first break where Dingo could go potty.
Moto news time. Villopoto won and seemed like he hated it and he’s still on top of the overall standings. Eli Tomac took 2nd, and Josh Hill took 3rd. James Stewart withdrew from the race with an apparent injury to his left leg, allegedly. That pretty much wraps up the season, even though there is still 1 more race to go. Hey, did you see that piece of shit dad who was caught on tope kicking his 6-year-old son down a skateboard ramp? Pretty fucked up. We got to hear some HateBean tracks today. We also got to ask how everyone is doing today and thankfully everyone seems to be doing very well, except for Hardcore & Cumtard – he’s a little cranky today. Ellis tried to whip him back into a good mood, but Cumtard feels like he received mixed messages during the motivational talk. I don’t know how the message could be mixed. I mean, “Tell yourself you’re worth a fucking shit, you stupid bag of retarded cum.” seems pretty clear to me. HEYOH! Anyway, the guys all spent about 30 minutes giving advice and pep talks to Cumtard and his mental & physical health. So why is Hardcore all cranky? He’s got girl problems son. He doesn’t really want to discuss it, but he did admit that he slept on the couch last night and when he woke up this morning, they didn’t say a word to each other and he just went to work. As we all know, that means you’re wrong – even if you’re right – you’re still wrong. He’s gonna have to bite the bullet on this one and stop being stubborn. And this took us into our second break for the day. Hour and half segments today, there’s just TOO MUCH SHOW!
And we’re back! Next week the show is going to do a “worst music on YouTube” segment that you can help with by sending in links to said horrible music to the show. That does not include the video I sent into the show called “Shit Don Frye Says”. Turns out Don’s a little creepy, but he’s also pretty funny. And insane. And tough as hell. And he don’t give two shits who the fuck you are, he’ll talk shit on ya. So the owner of the LA Clippers, Donald Sterling, has been caught on tape with a racist rant. Supposedly only 15 minutes of the audio was leaked, but there is over an hour’s worth of this audio, allegedly of course. What makes it really odd, I mean, besides his clear racism, is that his girlfriend is half black and half Mexican. Also, gross. He’s got old balls. I missed a few minutes after that because I’m sought after fellow for my sage-like advice and wisdom. HA! When I came back, there was talk about acid and some dude getting some harsh jail time. This led us into talk about brain steroids, aka Adderall, and how them pesky college kids are doing that shit up. And this in turn brought about a story of Ellis getting a massage in Thailand from this lady who smoked some meth before getting to work on the massage. Apparently Dog The Bounty Hunter hasn’t been to Thailand because the ice is flowin’, son! Oh yeah, and there’s some discussion going on with Ellis’ manager and the possibility of EllisMania 10 and possibly SpikeTV! Dingo surprised the show with gifts and it’s not even Christmas, he gave everyone some Beats by Dre headphones. We left off with some final calls, where a lady-boy from Taiwan was happy to be able to smoke crack with Mr. Jason Erris and say how much they miss him. So there ya have it, a nutshell. So to speak. And now it’s time I bid you farewell, until we meet again. If you catch my drift. BONER JAMS 2014!
It’s game time! Today’s game is “What’s on my balls” with @KevinKraftSucks as the contestant. No prizes, no real winners, just a blindfolded Cumtard trying to guess what is being put on his balls.
If you’ve ever wondered how Cumtard sounds in the throws of ecstasy, it sounds exactly like when he’s terrified. High quality & hilarious scream-fest ensues.
Download (link to MP3)