Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/27/2013

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Tim has real life problems.

It’s Tuesday with Tim! Today is also New Tim Tuesday, but we’ll get to that later, I’m sure of it. It’s a beautiful day today Tims! Ellis’ heart jumped out of his butt twice yesterday, but he just wants to see his kids grow up. He also doesn’t eat cheese that much. Ellis also thinks he’ll never stop going to therapy, because he has to keep opening doors like Early Grayce in Kalifornia. And it’s psychosomatic because you can tell yourself you’re gonna fucking turd your pants and viola, you fucking turd your pants. You can give yourself panic attacks or you can make yourself sick, or you can make yourself better, it’s all in attitude. And an attitude of gratitude is not just a platitude. Ellis got hooked up at the A7X concert last night, he saw Tim Cobb and his new girlfriend and then seen the Tim brothers, and a bunch of other famous Tims. One thing that Ellis and Tully share? They both have had a song with guy, just them, another man, and a song. Tully got a little choked up after his wife and son left him. To go to a funeral in Japan, I mean. She’s coming back though, so it’s all good. But as a father, Tim can totally understand. First you think, “kick ass, freedom!” and then you think “shit, whose gonna help me take care of this ankle biter?” Whose the best rap/rock band that isn’t Rage Against the Machine? Fuck if I know, I was asking you.

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This man found out what happens when you sit on Tim’s toilet.

Some dude intentionally ate a fucking toe, it’s called a “sourtoe” or some shit and it’s in a shot of whiskey. And that, boys and girls is where we get the phrase “toe up from the floor up.” Actually, that’s probably not true, come to think of it, I’m certain it’s not true. Everlast is in the studio and he has a new album out today and you don’t, but Tim does. For New Tim Tuesday, we first heard Everlast’s “Sad Girl”, named after a Mexican chick from the movie American Me. We got to hear about how Everlast can be angry person at times, but most of the time, he’s chill like Tim. Rawdog got railed on by the guys and callers to the show about how his Prius sucks and he’s not doing shit for the environment with it, and that he’s no where near as friendly to the environment than your average Canadian. And all I got to say about that is the average Canadian isn’t 1/10th of your average Tim, but they already know that because they buy Tim’s coffee as atonement.

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When Tim smokes, cigarettes get cancer.

A new restaurant has opened up called Hospitalis, everything is served by nurses, food looks like tongues and shit, and you have the option to be tied up in a straight jacket fed by a nurse. I have no idea who this is supposed to appeal to, but hey, maybe that’s just me and Tims across the world. Appropriately enough, while we’re being told this story, Grant Cobb is finishing tattooing Ellis’ head. While the tattoo gun is buzzing along in the background, the guys started quizzing Ellis to see if he could answer anything while getting his head ink. More New Tim Tuesday, Avenged Sevenfold’s new album is out today as well, it’s called “Hail to the Tim” and we heard portions of 3 different tracks and then M. Shadows called in to ask why Ellis and his boys didn’t come and hang after the show last night. Goodie Mob and Bob Dylan had shit come out today as did Eminem, but it wasn’t anything to Tim about so fuck it. There were some more tools that had their shitty shit come out too, but I can’t remember who or what they were so you’re just going to have to let that portion of your life go for good. Tim say’s he’s sorry about that. Grant will be collaborating with Ellis on an EllisMania 9 t-shirt, so they kicked around some ideas, none of which included Tim. Now, a question for you. Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid? Good. Because he’s back in town and wants your number. TIM!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/25/2013

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Ellis can take care of his dogs, as long as Katie’s there to do it for him.

Staycation is over, time to get back into the swing of things, and what better way to do that than to do stuff. I know, that doesn’t make much sense and isn’t very funny. But maybe it is funny and you just get my high-brow sense of humor? No, that’s not it. It’s not you, it’s me, sorry ’bout that. Nobody has stuck their dick in the voice-altimication machine during the break, so the hammer has been… on the head, or something. Oh, hey, EllisMania.com is supposedly working on mobile devices now, so that’s pretty big news for many of you. Ellis did tons of shit during the staycation and wasn’t sure where to even begin, but he’s full of puppies today. He took his kids pretend extreme falling and Tiger floated around and shit, he also got tuned up a bit at the gym, and rode a mechanical bull. Tully was busy babying it up. Rawdog went to Oakland with a female friend during the staycation, he didn’t fuck any bitches or friends though. He also didn’t eat any shrooms, even though this “friend” said she had a massive bag of them, but didn’t feel like doing any. Say wha? Jude stopped by today after he heard about Rawdog’s chick friend that didn’t give him any shrooms. He gave Rawdog some advice, he needs to bang out an ugly girl and just keep banging her to get his head back in the game. This prompted callers to chime in with their own brand of advice, one of which was “Jennifer” who wanted to take Rawdog out to McDonald’s and maybe take him home, bend him over and fuck him in the ass. By the way, “Jennifer” ended up revealing he was really a dude whilst saying that last bit. ZING!

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I think I might owe money to the Jew-manji jar for this one.

Uh oh, My Chemical Romance has made an astonishing announcement, they are done and over with. There’s a Jew-manji jar now, anytime Ellis says anything anti-semetic, Rawdog says something bad about Australians, and when Tully doesn’t say nice things about Ellis’ penis – they all have to put money in the Jew-manji jar. Davi Millsaps called into the show to explain why the fuck he’s the fastest deformed man in the world, not the points leader, and to deny Ellis of his used tires. Rawdog got gassed out after lifting some kettle bells (via Onnit & Donald Schwartz) and some MMA school training in the prize chamber. Some Cody dude that was the winner at Tiger Box stopped on the show today hoping to do make-up and take photos of the guys for his spank bank book. One of the other Tiger Box competitors got a drumstick in  his asshole, while another got tackled and molested by a shirtless Grant Cobb. Oh, and Katie ate some chicks ass out on stage, and FuckYouDude might possibly have gotten peed on. Wish it was you that had a drumstick up your asshole? Good news! Tiger Box should be happening again in about a month. Except this time Anal Gay-Lewis won’t be calling people up to compete because he totally botched that job this go-around. There was a debate between Rawdog & Tully about the writing between The Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat. This prompted Ellis & Cody to drop a few coins into the Jew-manji jar and make a few comments. That’s also when Tully put a dollar in the Jew-manji jar, leaving us to assume he will be blasting racial comments Rawdog’s way at some point.

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Toy Story took an unexpected turn.

We got to hear a JizzCult dolphin read masturbation news, turns out the dolphin is a bit of a chubby chaser because he likes to think of whales while rubbing himself on some coral. Some chick called in to ask what “Red Dragons” meant, she quickly earned her first Red Dragons after saying her boyfriend once fucked her with a large, cock-sized herb pipe, which she really enjoyed. World’s Greatest Guitar Riff resumed today, here’s how it played out, or at least as best as anyone but Rawdog could tell:

  • Seek & Destroy (Metallica) vs Bro Hymn (Pennywise)
    Seek & Destroy (Metallica) won and moves to the Sweet 16.
  • Walk (Pantera) vs For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica)
    For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica) won and moves to the Sweet 16.
  • Seek & Destroy (Metallica) vs For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica)
    Suprise, Seek & Destroy (Metallica) won and moves to the Elite 8.
  • Twist of Cain (Danzig) vs Crazy Train (Ozzy Osbourne)
    Ozzy won and moves to the Sweet 16.
  • The Thing That Should Not Be (Metallica) vs A New Level (Pantera)
    Pantera won and moves to the Sweet 16.
  • Crazy Train (Ozzy Osbourne) vs A New Level (Pantera)
    A New Level (Pantera) won and moves to the Elite 8.
  • Seek & Destroy (Metallica) vs A New Level (Pantera)
    Seek & Destroy (Metallica) won the Elite 8 spot.
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Nope. Your mom has the widest slot you can get.

Mr. X flew with some sticky icky again, and this time his luggage didn’t mysteriously go missing. This chick elegantly explains a recent hail storm. Now, wanna hear her auto-tuned? TJES fan, @TheWoodswoman had her piano version Awesome World played on the show today. In Hollywood news, despite the world’s best efforts, Lil Wayne is not dead. James Franco is allegedly a terrible neighbor by leaving trash everywhere, he makes noises and stuff, and the children, think about the children! Ashley Greene’s house burned down via an unattended candle, and it killed her dog. The house fire, not the candle, the candle was acquitted of the dog murdering charge, but held for the arson charge. Lindsay Lohan struck a plea-bargain and will be going to a 90-day lock down rehab center, even though technically, one does not exist in the US. So the judge said, “Shit, my bad. You can serve that 90-days in jail if you wanna.” Does not having sex with Lindsay Lohan at Coachella while Blur is playing, make Rawdog less of a man? Probably. Peter Murphy got arrested for DUI after doing a hit-and-run number. Cher put one of her homes on the market, it’s in Venice and if you’re a total fucking freak, you can buy that grey pube infested pussy grease trap. Victoria Beckham has announced she’s retiring from singing. Did she ever really sing or was just yappy? Jesse James got married for the fourth time, which automatically makes him the bitch in any and all future relationships he’s in. But hey, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, I like you, but you could be banging Urkel and you’d still be the bitch in that relationship. OH!

The Day Jesus Came To Hollywood

I’ve never written any fan fiction, so I decided to give it a try. I don’t think it’s going to get any air-time so I might as well give it some net-time. So without further ado, here it is.

The day started off a little different when everyone arrived at the studio. It was my first visit to the Swinghouse Studios, I felt slightly uncomfortable as a 38-year-old on a fieldtrip, chaperoned by his mother, as part of my “Continuing Education Program for the Specially Gifted.” As I quickly glanced around the small, zoo-like smelling stuidio, I took in many visuals. Grant Cobb was buried in Ellis’s crotch, tattooing two baby wolf cubs, one on each of Ellis’ testicles. The muffled sounds of the days first tickle fight between Will and Kevin could be heard gently permeating into the studio. Tully was feverishly preparing his Wagyu beef, poulet de Bresse chicken, hard-boiled quails’ eggs, white truffles, with Charroux mustard and Saffron, between two slices of nice honey accented multi-grain bread. Rawdog was staring off into space, concentrating on not picking his nose while the multitudes of fans peering from the EllisMania.com laptop was glaring in his direction. The show was merely seconds away from starting as Still Fly by Big Tymers was beginning to fade out into the familiar show intro. I felt my ballsack tighten and a twitch in my manhood as it slightly receded into itself as if it were out in the open-air with a brisk breeze in the room. Continue reading

Show Re-cap For Friday 2/1/2013

Australians are all criminals but aren’t we all. We all seal, but are we really poor? I don’t know the answer to that. I’m not even sure what that means. Today’s show is the post Rawdog birthday extravaganza with a special guest appearance by Jagarbeard. The conversation they guys talked about a dude who was doing massive whipits in front of cops and how Tully loves doing them at Thanksgiving and how he might be the biggest druggie on the whole show.  They also talked about Josh’s ugly head, him wearing a helmet, Star Trek, robots, and Hawaii 5-O bitches. Here’s a public service announcement from The Jason Ellis Show, reading is important unless your gonna be a pro skateboarder but you probably won’t because proxyyou suck so reading is important. We also learned about the many hats of Josh Richmond, literally. He has a fancy yamaka, an old yamaka,  a cheap yamaka, and a pirate hat of course. When your in your thirties your half way dead, in case you didn’t figure that out every time you wake up sore after doing nothing and injuries that stem from the most simple of physical activities. But good news though, your dick gets bigger. So next time you see an old dude slouched over walking down the street just remember that he walks like that because of the massive hog he’s having to haul around. Today is also Josh’s first day of the salad challange of doom. Will Josh be in the 27 club? Probably not, even with his fast food diet, but this brought on another conversation, open casket or closed? Ellis figures that as long he’s looking good then leave that bitch open so everyone can gaze upon his awesome dead face.
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Beyonce redid the National Anthem at a press conference and did one hell of a performance. but the real question was, Why didn’t she just do that from the beginning and avoid all this crap? Probably because she is a woman and this leads us into the ever entertaining, Woman, Am I Right? A Brazilian priest was droppin loads into numerous woman’s throats after convincing them that he was blasting holy loads. The best teacher ever got in trouble for being AWESOME. She had a twitter account that was her smoking weed and taking nude pics. An Arizona teachers aid got in trouble for giving teradactlys in the gym. A British chick fell into frozen canal while texting, a woman forgot to set her anti theft bear trap and got robbed, Japanese women are getting fake crooked teeth. A Granny got 4 tickets in an hour while driving 500 something miles through two states doing 80 to 115 miles per hour. And if some of you dudes are looking to get married, there is a 29 year old vegan Brit who is looking for husband but the catch is that he must be celibate, for ever, until death, then you can fuck her.

01moore-pic-articleLargeA moment of silence for Caleb Moore, the snowboarder dude that died after a horrible snowmobile wreck attempting a backflip. And mad respect to people that put their life on the line just to go harder and faster and do more gnarly tricks all to be better than the other dude and thanks for letting us watch this great spectacle. A dude named Lil-za was pulled over in Bieber’s Ferrari with no license. Guess when you have that much money you can let munchkins borrow your fancy ass car. Then they did Hollywood news again and I will give you the short notes on it. Larry king, Miley Cyrus, Gisele Bundchem, an actor fight at The Martini Ranch. This is also the point in the show where Jagarbeard is in full form and the show is absolutely brilliant. There is no way that I can properly translate the hilarity to paper. Metallica has signature vans, in case you were wondering and more importantly, Josh cannot close just one eye. Russians are getting penis tattoos, Rawdog is fantasizing about his new girlfriend stroking his shaft and something about his sisters boyfriend who can out fuck Ellis or Tully because he is young and can throw some back into his game. I’m not sure what all I just wrote but the conversation was about as random as that and hilarious. More advise from the inebriated bush baby, be in the moment, be here, be present. Josh was becoming more and more relaxed in studio to the point that someone should have gotten him a Redbull or coffee or something. Things livened up with a new game, pin the dick in raw dogs face or something like that, because Grant Cobb forgot part of his tattoo gun. The object of the game was to spin around and try to mouth fuck a cut out of Rawdogs fave with a strap on.  It was funny especially when it was Josh’s turn and he fell down and was trying to spin around while laying on the ground. After three minutes he finally managed to fuck his own mouth. Final calls were about the Ravens winning the Super Bowl, Anal beads and RC cars, Wills ass, Gurgling neck noises, and everyone wondering where them titties are at, it is Josh’s birthday show after all. Josh did get a very special present this year from yer mum, she got him nothing, no crabs, no lice, no venerial disease. It was the best gift from her ever, OH!

Happy Birthday Josh from the degenerates at NoYouAre.lixlink.com

Happy Birthday Josh from the degenerates at NoYouAre.lixlink.com

Show Re-cap For Monday 1/28/2013

Will Rawdog have a similar conversation one day in the future?

Will Rawdog have a similar conversation one day in the future?

Welcome, are you ready to fucking fuck? How about just find out what the fuck went on with the show today? Okay, cool. You think you’re tough? Like shark tough? Well wrap your gills around this shit, a killer whale will come up from under your shark ass without you knowing it and ram your shit, and you will explode! So you ain’t so tough. Remember that fucking shit, fuck. Rawdog’s wearing a shirt with a tiger on it today but says he’s a lion, even though when he goes home, he puts on his Burger King crown. Sounds like Ellis’ head tattoo guy isn’t calling him back, so the bear head, head tattoo might already be history. A drunk Dingo opened up to Cullen at the X-Games about that new announcer chick, Ramona Bruland. I don’t know exactly what was said, I’m not sure he knows either – but the gist was that he thinks X-Games fucked up by replacing Sal Masekela with that chick, and saying it makes everyone look bad. Josh Hansen called in, so naturally, talk instantly turned to moto and how he got ejected from Supercross and how they want him to pay a $4,000 fine for taking some dude out in a turn.

Mr. Easter Bunny likes that crack rock too!

Mr. Easter Bunny likes that crack rock too!

Exciting news for Rawdog, he will be going back out with that new chick he recently met online and jacked off to last week! He also signed up for some sketch comedy classes over the weekend and is still hitting the gym as well, so things are looking up for his Jewish ass! Go get ’em tiger lion! Dave Mirra called into the show all excited, Ellis had to hush him up real quick and told him not to talk about anything they’ve recently been texting each other about. Could this mean a possible Mirra presence at another upcoming EllisMania? If you’re on that crack, cocaine, or a crack cocaine cookie, you ain’t hiding that shit from nobody – no matter how good of a lie you think up. Have you been wondering how to make crack? Maybe you’re having guests over for a dinner party and are looking to impress them with your cooking skills? Well good news, you can listen to E-40 – The Recipe to find out how!

Why shouldn't get Rawdog get a tattoo that says "I love my sister"?

Why shouldn’t Rawdog get a tattoo that says “I love my sister”?

Rawdog lost his bet over the weekend concerning the UFC, now he has to get a tattoo while he and Grant Cobb are both wearing shock collars, or eat salad for an entire week. You know he’s not going to be eating just salads for an entire week, so time to start brainstorming tattoo ideas for Rawdog! It was at this point that I missed the next 45 minutes or so of the show and have no idea what went on. I came back in with Rawdog and Tully reading what I assume was Hollywood news and then they went to break with some Michael Jackson. Sweet news for you Soundgarden / Ellis fans, the new video for “By Crooked Steps” by Soundgarden, featuring Ellis & Katie, and directed by Dave Grohl, is out today. Even though Ellis didn’t get paid in money to appear in the video, apparently Dave had asked Ellis when he wanted him to go on the show! Brand new game today, “Win Kevin Kraft’s Money” which is odd because that dude has about as much money as that homeless guy that sleeps under the bridge. His whole $11 is on the line here, if you can guess the correct answers to the questions, you can really put Cumtard in the poor house. Perhaps not so surprisingly, the callers didn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground so the guys had to resort to cheating to get people to win Cumtard’s money. Hopefully next week, we’ll have a “Win Will Pendarvis’s Money” game where the tables will be turned.

Overly attached listener's can be scary. Trust me, I am one.

Overly attached listener’s can be scary. Trust me, I am one.

There’s a website that Dingo frequents quite often, it shows registered molesters that are living in your area. It’s weird too, because those red dots just seem to keep following Dingo around, no matter where he moves. HA! (see what I’m insinuating there) There was a dirty cock sock smell in the studio that everyone but Rawdog could smell. That might lead you to believe it was Rawdog that was stanking, but remember this too – Dingo just left your little sister’s house and socks come in handy when you’re tying down the unwilling. OH SNAP! (Ooops I did it again) Some dude called in to get permission to name his bulldog after Tully. I didn’t even know that was something that needed to be asked? Some chick called in about indecent exposure and distributing drugs, but nobody really took her seriously because, well, she’s a woman. BA-ZING! And then a copper from Oklahoma called about humping on kids, said it was pretty cool (no he didn’t) and that people are given different levels. You start off as a novice and can work your way up to Phil Donahue status, which is considered the highest level of wizard. And with that, we end the re-cap with your dad, the ultimate kid toucher, the ding-a-ling put to his mouth and sing cowboy, Phil Donahue. OH!