Who farted? (T-SHIRT!) No. Seriously. What the fuck is that smell? Wait. That’s me. False alarm. It’s a great day to be in America, because you can fuck yourself. Or something like that. Houston, we’re still having mic troubles. You hear me AD in Houston? Wilson is trying to fix the compression on the mics or some shit, in the meantime, Ellis & Dingo did Radio Instagram, Rawdog is shouting out his peeps (more on that later), and Tully is shouting out some dude because his sister asked if they give shout outs on the show. So shout out to Rawdog and Tully for shouting out to their peeps, which I assume is us. I asked Rawdog to shout out the Devil, since his “peeps” allegedly killed Jesus, but he never did – which is pretty much an admission of guilt. Wilson got the mics working, right about the time Ellis accidentally KO’d his laptop and Dingo had to talk him down from spiking the laptop like a football. Ellis wasn’t on the show Friday because his dick was pissing blood again, then he got sick, and now he’s on antibiotics. Remember, when you think you’re having a bad day, ask yourself if you’re pissing blood, getting knocked out, sick from the flu, and toting around a broken laptop.
Ellis can’t find people to spar him, except really big black dudes that knock him silly or make him piss blood. Tully started going to the gym and now he has athlete’s foot. Ellis don’t give a shit if he does or not. Ellis pretty much knows Jason Momoa now, from the gym. Tully heard an interview with Peter Berg over the weekend, but let’s face it, he’s no Garry Shandling. So back to Rawdog and his “peeps.” You know Rawdog get’s all “oh, my people have been oppressed for centuries” preachy? Well somebody (me, I am somebody!) sent in an article that says there is absolutely no archaeological evidence that Jews were ever really slaves in Egypt. Matter of fact, they never even left Israel – it’s looking like some pure bullshit story, made up by liars. LIARS I TELL YOU! This news has be as disappointing to Rawdog as Anne Frank fans when she never wrote a sequel to her best seller. OH! Tully thinks he has the right to be just as upset with slavery as any Jewish or Black person because his great-grandfather was an Irish indentured servant back in the day. I have to admit, his argument has legs. Would George Clooney stand in a ring and beat himself unconscious for a billion dollars, which he then donates to charity? Now that your mind has been blown, let’s get those balls / ovaries of yours tingling with some EllisMania 9 news. There might be a new fight between Pierre-Luc Gagnon (PLG) and Elliot Sloan, mano a mano, skateboard to skateboard, hand to hand, etc. Now that Red Dragons are helping to sponsor EllisMania 9, Madchild is now confirmed to be opening up for Death! Death! Die! Feeling those tingles yet?
Ever had a sunburn on your dick? Ellis and Tully have. They also know about “lollies” and “fags”, which was candy in Australia. Speaking of candy, Ellis has taught Tiger how to ollie and now he’s rolling along doing ollies and shit. Devon is starting to do super straight wheelies and tic-tacs and showing more interest in skating. Sibling rivalry can be a great motivator, according to Rawdog, who said he pretty much was the king of his household between his siblings. Speaking fights, candy, and kings, Rawdog has been working out with his kettle bells in preparation for his fight with Nick Swardson. This brought us to a short training session where he hit pads with Ellis. Dingo was nice enough to shoot a little video of it so he could send it to Nick, so he knows what kind of beating he should be expecting. Of course, none of this intimidated Nick as he responded with “I’m going to rape his ass mouth” which sounds pretty serious somehow. Then there was a 3 minute punch pad session with Wilson to test his gassiness. During this session, Ellis was showing Rawdog how to throw his hips into his punches, which ended up being Rawdog twerking it right in front of Ellis’ package. The phones are still all fuckered up in the new studio, which makes sense because the mics are all fuckered up too. Remember? I already told you about that earlier, you might have short term memory loss. I knew a guy who had short term memory loss once, I forgot what happened to him though.
There is a legal movement underway in California to limit so-called “revenge porn” where people humiliate their ex-whatevers by posting explicit photos and video online. If you remember, Ellis got revenge porn’d when that chick he dated posted a picture of his wiener online. You know how you don’t fall victim to revenge porn? You don’t send pictures of yourself naked to other people. But you know you wanna keep doing that shit. And you know that’s the business model behind Snapchat, so I look forward to seeing your explicit photos and videos. This led into a massive discussion about the legalities, uses by people & businesses to research you or your background, Ellis’ dick online, etc. Sean Penn is allegedly all roided out nowadays. Did you know 47% of Australians are functionally illiterate? I’m not sure you should be surprised by that considering Dingo and Ellis. This led us into a spelling bee game between Ellis and Dingo. As you can imagine, it was a chore for each just to get to a 2-2 tie, I’m not sure what the end result was because I was busy burning the words “feral bitch” into my vocabulary. Wanna know what shameful thing your state is famous for? Oh, I almost forgot. Jimmy Barnes is the Bruce Springsteen of Australia, and his song “Working Class Man” was featured in the timeless classic movie “Gung Ho.” I don’t know much about Jimmy Barnes, but I can tell you this, he’s a top bloke. In Australia. For deaf people. And people still living the 1980’s dream.
And before I go, I’ve always wanted to tell this joke to Wilson, because he loves Pink Floyd and death. How are Pink Floyd and Princess Diana similar? Both of their last big hits were the wall. And I always wanted to tell this joke to Rawdog, because, well… you know he’s been intimate with horse anatomy before. I used to be in to S & M, bestiality, and necrophilia, but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse. And I always wanted to tell this joke to Tully, because he’s Oxford educated and therefore knows what this test is. What did the black man get on his SAT? Barbecue sauce. And I always wanted to tell this joke to Ellis, because we both hate Yoko. What is yellow and lives off of dead Beatles? Yoko Ono. And finally, I always wanted to you guys this joke because it’s true. What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women. OH!