Welcome to the best Thursday Recap on the Best Jason Ellis Show Recap Site that has ever existed!!!!! Woooooo!!!
Getting right into it, that sound that you hear at the end of the intro is a baby wold making sounds and it doesn’t sound too happy, but in the video he looks really happy when he’s making all those yelpy sounding sounds…so don’t worry about it too hard guys, it’s just sounds of a happy baby wolf puppy. Ellis gets right into talking about what would happen if he started capturing people and chopping off their arms and feet, and tying their feet together. Would they turn into snake people and start slithering on their bellies and then Ellis would go down in history as the Man who changed mankind by making snake people? Tully thinks probably not because if he did actually manage to keep it going long enough where people started evolving and adapting and having snake people babies, it would take like a million years, and for the world’s population to turn over into snake people (or aqua babies, which Ellis also brings up) it would probably be about 50 million years. And also, 50 million years down the line, if people did remember that the late, great Big Daddy J was the one who started the ball on snake people rolling, the person that would be praised or hated or whatever would not actually bear any resemblance to Jason Ellis and would be a much bastardized version of the person that we would all love to be best friends with. This conversation devolved, or evolved, or tangentially went on to include talk of what would happen if Ellis went the other way around and started attaching legs to snakes to make walking snakes (or, you know, lizards) and Ellis called bullshit on Tully calling them lizards because they would not be lizards, they would be different, duh, and there aren’t any lizards around who are better walking around on two feet than they are walking around on all four and his snakes with legs would walk like men. Dammit. Twitter answered the unasked call and started tweeting pictures and video links to the Jesus Lizard, aka the Basilisk lizard (yes, Basilisk, like Harry Potter, why do you think I knew the name of the Jesus Lizard in the first place without having to google it?) which is a lizard that can run across the top of water…which is kind of more badass than Jesus being able to walk on water. Just saying. They watched the video and talked about the Jesus Christ lizard for a while and that turned into them talking about pound for pound strength and if Chris Weidman would beat a Basilisk in an MMA fight. They came to the conclusion that the Basilisk would win on points, because those little fucks are really fast and Weidman wouldn’t be able to catch it to knock it out.
Speaking of animals and pound for pound and yesterday’s Eagles (if they were larger and able to kill humans, would humans kill them first?) Tully brings up a story of a woman who got shit-whipped by a goose. Like, landed in the hospital for 5 days kind of shit whipped. I think she just fell off her bike and that’s where most of the damage came from and she didn’t want to admit it. I mean, geese are nasty fucks, and I have personally been terrified of them up close because they WILL try and eat your fingers, but I don’t but that it broke her face. The ground broke her face. Ellis calls bullshit on the story for a while saying that he would totally take out a goose (he actually calls them ducks the whole time, ducks are quackie, geese are whacky) before it made a move on him, but Tully calls bullshit on his bullshit because Ellis goes through life considering every situation that could possibly lead to violence and is always ready for it and knows how to properly defend himself, and not everyone walks around life equipped in that way. Ellis admits that yeah, he’d probably be thrown for a few seconds if a goose actually attacked him, but he’s still pretty sure he could take that motherfucker out. Yako on Twitter made a comment about how every 3 year old Canadian is warned by their 3rd birthday about the ferocity of geese and both Tully and Ellis can see that because, as Tully says, “They weeble, they wobble, and yes, they do, in fact, fall down.” And they have a particularly hard time getting back up. I mean, they’re only 3 years into that body and only 2 years into walking around really, so when they go down, they go through some emotions before they even start to think about getting back up.
Don’t forget, California Ellisfam, the show is going to be live tomorrow from Racer’s Edge Go Karting in Burbank California, and the password to get in (because it’s an Ellisfam exclusive event at this point) is Yer Mum’s House. That’s right, you heard it here if you didn’t hear it there, the password is Yer Mum’s House. How appropriate. Ha…I just looked at the website and it even lists that it’s closed tomorrow from 12 to 4 for a private event. Boom. There’ll be tons of people there aside from the ones you hear from on the show on a daily basis and I wished I lived in California so that I could be there too, because I’m gonna be here, in New York, in my shitty life (shut up, I’m stressed to hell right now) not hanging out with TJES and racing go karts. Maybe I’ll pretend the truck is a go kart. We’ll see how that goes. There will be food, and drinks, and famous people, a radio show and a Dingo there. Why would you not go? Oh, but don’t bring your kids. Unless your kid is 16 or older. There will be cursing, Mike Catherwood’s wife has said her vagina may make an appearance, there could be nipples on Kenda Turn, and then, well, you know the show. Don’t make the guys feel weird about doing their show because you decided to bring your 8 year old. Be responsible so that no one else has to.
At this point they go through the button bar and Ellis says he’ll take phone calls about anything and people start calling about the geese and shit and they push a bunch of buttons and Ellis wants to prank call Katie but she doesn’t answer the phone. Hot Dog says that Ellis can prank call his mom, because his mom is around in town and wanted to come for a visit but she got told no. Tully or Ellis make a joke about how they meet the mom’s of all of the interns and Hot Dog goes, “Well, you already met my mom,” and proceeds to tell Ellis, and the rest of us, that he and his mom were at the Harley Davidson book signing event and met him and Hot Dog, back when he was just Nate, told Ellis that he wanted to intern for him and that he has his own college radio show that is on the AM airwaves and Ellis gave Nate numbers to call and people to bug about being an intern and voila!!! Hot Dog is an intern. And a reverend.
Back from the first break Tully comes at us with a news story where a man is suing a stripper to give him back his $2000 because no one ever told this guy that there is no such thing as a refund when you are dealing with strippers. Poor guy. What seems to be more of a story to Ellis and Tully is the reporting correspondent who is telling us about all of this because that guy looks like he does drugs and could have committed a murder or two. Allegedly. Randy Wallace is the name of the reporter and Tully and Ellis spend a good bit of time riffing on him, his various alleged habits, and finding him on twitter where he is quoted as saying, “I believe Cheesecake, Xanax, and Duct Tape fixes everything.” Yeah, it’s not a hard sell that that guy is tripping balls on all sorts of things all of the time.
Time for some Wolfknives names!!! But first, let’s talk about how Will may or may not be banging that girl Ericka, and okay, if he’s not, then is it cool if Tully and Ellis bang her out instead. Will does his flustered, angry, “We’re friends” thing and eventually Ellis deduces that Will friendzoned himself. But, other than that, welcome to the Wolfknives Death Vender, Body Glover, Huge Muffler, Storm Rapist, Cougar Shaft, Puppy Hitler, Poor Man’s Gary Coleman, Ball Sex, Hot Dog Enthusiast, Eagle Precum, Torellini, Elvis HorseDick, Cock Global, The Great Gaper, and Hot Dog (yes, the intern). Has anyone found Hot Dog’s instagram yet? I mean…he’s a self admitted virgin…he has to have one, right? I suck at finding shit like that, so if anyone knows what it is, hit me up on IG or twitter, I’m jennimazky ;)
Time for some long awaited teen advice, peppered with some other stuff, because this was the show of tangents. Seriously. So many tangents. To the first girl who has a crush on her male BFF who currently has a girlfriend and doesn’t want to be that girl, but kind of does want to be that girl, and to the second teen girl who’s wondering if she should do something to make her ex jealous…the answer is JUST DO IT! But also, honesty is a noble virtue to have, but keep shit like this on the down low as you get older, because, well, that just how bitches roll once they get grown. Stop being so honest. The third question is a girl asking if she will develop serious feelings for someone if she sleeps with them, and both Tully and Ellis seem to agree that yeah, probably. They seem to think that if this girl is thinking about sleeping with someone to begin with that she probably already has some sort of feelings for that person and that also, casual sex tends to come with age for women. I’m a woman, and I honestly don’t know. I mean, some people are wired for casual sex, some aren’t, and some people are really good at lying to themselves. I would advise, however, that if you are a teenager, don’t get into the casual sex game. You’re young and stupid and will probably get pregnant. To the girl asking if her friend is a lesbian, Ellis says that you should fingerbang your friend to find out. Then you’ll know. To the teen girl with a smelly dischargey vagina, please go to the doctor. Tully thinks there is no such thing as being a really religious person and a really fun person at least until the age of 30, so young teenager asking, if you’re really religious, people are probably going to be annoyed by you for like another decade and a half unless they too are really religious, sorry about that. And finally, yes, anonymous teen, ugly is a real thing. Ellis says that he’s gotten uglier as he’s gotten older and Tully informs us that there is nothing wrong with being born ugly because being ugly in the right subculture is kind of a thing that’s just embraced, and being ugly is nowhere near as bad as being fat. Ugly isn’t your fault, for the most part, being fat is. It’s halftime!!! Do your pushups, feel whatever round things exist on your body and check them for cancer, and take some time and go to this website run by recent guest of the show, Jack Osbourne about MS. I just went, and wow, Jack is looking good!
Christian is in the studio to do stripped vocals but first, they are going to talk about a lot of nothing for like, an hour. Sorry, guys, I tried really hard to pay attention and be a good sport and recapper and do my duty for all of you out there, but I basically was not feeling the entire show today. I don’t know what it was. There was a lot of dead. It was humid and gross out and I’m kind of cranky on top of it, so I kind of lost the thread around here a couple of times, but they did talk about Anahita who was on TJES last week and is on the Dr. Drew show on TV with Ellis a lot, and how she is going to be karting with them tomorrow and look forward to her boobies when they come around Kenda Turn. It seems like Kenda won’t be back to go around Kenda Turn, but she’s a busy lady, so she’s forgiven. Tully informs us that the Texting and Driving race got axed for various reasons that don’t make the most sense, but there are still going to be other cool races, like the Main Event, and the Vagisil 5000, and a relay race, as well as all of the racing that Ellisfam can do while the guys are you know, on air, doing the show. Tully has a list of famous figures in history who are alleged to have sexually transmitted diseases and the ones that got mentioned were: Al Capone who was suspected of dying from Syphilis while in prison for tax fraud, Hitler was also thought to have suffered from Syphilis due to his tendency to rant and rave and murder people for no good reason, Honest Abe Lincoln is also thought to be a Syphilis sufferer (though he didn’t murder tons of people because of it) and JFK apparently had the Clap. This turned into a discussion of if they guys got a sexually transmitted disease from Cher, would they tell anyone that it was from Cher, and yes, Tully and Christian would tell their doctors until their doctor believed them, but Ellis wasn’t too down to tell anyone about it. Then Ned Beaty who was a guy who got raped in Deliverance got brought up and they talked about him for a while, about random things that I managed to really not pay attention to, and thennnnnnn the got around to doing stripped vocals and songs and things. At this point I was driving and completely unable of taking notes, but I know that they covered Marvin Gaye, Amy Winehouse, Avenged Sevenfold, Soundgarden, Slayer, Nirvana, and Freddie Mercury and David Bowie, and they all blew Ellis’ mind.
Back from the break they were talking about plans for Fourth of July and Ellis doesn’t know what he’s doing but he doesn’t have the kids that night, and Christian doesn’t know what he and his girlfriend are doing so maybe they should figured out what to do for the holiday together with their girlfriends. There was also some talk about Polar Bears and how they are vicious and Katie doesn’t like them, but Ellis does, and it was because some guy’s 24 Million Dollar Yacht that was all on fire and destroyed was called the Polar Bear. Ellis mentioned that the guy who hit him the other week in his Porsche still hasn’t sent photos of his car to the insurance company, but Ellis has sent his in, and if the other guy doesn’t send pics in then it really really makes it look like it was definitely the other guy’s fault, but Ellis is still expecting something crazy to happen that will screw him over, but you know what, whatever. If he has to pay for the car to be fixed then he’ll pay for the car to be fixed, because he’s the one who bought a Porsche in the first place. Boom.
I’m outtie HomeSlizzles, I’ll see you when the show gets back from being on vacation next week!
Things we learned on TJES today:
Tully calls bullshit on evolution. Always.
Tully played basketball this morning
Ellis is going to be really serious and in the zone while go karting tomorrow, but no one can fault him for that cause people get serious about video games
If a goose approaches you, do the right thing, and take it out before it takes you out
There will be giveaways at Racers Edge tomorrow for the fans
Spongebob “Red Dragons” is done by the real voice of Spongebob
Will thinks Ellis and Tully are trying to tarnish Ericka’s honor
Tully is okay with his wife banging Brad Pitt but he wouldn’t want to watch the video
Tully is a rational motherfucker. For realsies.
Ugly people get the opportunity to connect with other people on a deeper level
Dingo is Kevin Bacon in a Monster hat
Ellis would go full romance with Cher