Tag Archives: EllisFam

CobraTits: Like a Phoenix Rising from the Ashes

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Many of you will remember one of the best TJES fan sites around, cobratits.com. It contained all kinds of awesome audio goodies for us all to consume and enjoy, from some of the best and most memorable moments on the show. Then came the day it disappeared and we all collectively cried ourselves to sleep.

Thanks to the man behind “stripping the Ellis show s’naked”, Rob, with his permission and tons of help, we all get to enjoy all his hard work once again! That’s right, with Rob’s help, we’re in the process of restoring as much as possible from his site! As you can imagine, Rob had tons of material and we’ve only just started the process of getting it all back online. So keep checking back as there will be more and more added as time goes on.

Check out the newest category added to NYA, the “CobraTits Archive“!

Show Recap for Thursday 12/19/2013

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From somewhere near Beverly Hills…it’s the Jason Ellis Show!!!! Woooooooooo!!!! And I am going to take the time to apologize if any of you reading this at some point go ‘she’s talking about shit out of order’ because life sucks sometimes and you listen to the show out of order and the SiriusXM app hates your life. Also, sometimes people call you instead of calling the fire department when the carbon monoxide alarm goes off. Because they’re stupid.

The show opened up today with the wise words of Ellis, “Heyyyyyy…welcome,” and I am sure that future generations will remember him as a great speaker and philosopher. But yeah, it’s one of the reasons that we love him, right? Anyway…he doesn’t usually get into the whole singing Christmas carols thing cause he’s a tough cool guy and tough cool guys don’t sing Christmas carols at preschool Christmas carol sing a longs. This morning Ellis and Katie met mummy at Tiger’s school for what was supposed to be a Holiday themed concert where Ellis would get to sit back and relax and listen to Tiger and a bunch of other four year olds sing Christmas carols and Hannukah songs and eat cakes, but it didn’t go quite as planned. First of all, Andrea had told him that there would be snacks there for consumption so he didn’t eat a lot of breakfast, but when he went to take some of the snacks a teacher (who was clearly drunk on the power of bossing around 4 year olds all day long) told him that he had to wait until after the performance and Ellis felt like a dick because he already had the plate in his hand. But whatever. Then, the parents assembled for the concert were informed that it would be less like a concert and more like a sing a long and Ellis groaned and said that he wasn’t going to sing, because he’s too cool for that shit. That lasted for about a minute until the kids came out and Tiger came up to him and told him that he wanted Daddy Ellis to come and sit in the circle with him and sing along. Ellis couldn’t say no so he handed the video camera over to Katie for her to capture the moment. And that’s when shit started to get awkward. It’s no secret that Ellis and his ex-wife actually get along and are friendly to each other, and that Katie is in on it also because she is awesome. Ellis sometimes gets weirded out by that since it will randomly occur to him that he has had sex with the two people standing next to each other and laughing at his jokes, but the awkward got pushed to another level when Mummy came to sit next to him and Tiger and carol along while Katie filmed them. Ugh. Ellis didn’t know what to say about that whole thing other than, “Well that was awkward,” but it seems that Katie took the whole thing in stride and didn’t cause a fuss about it. Tully points out that Ellis is lucky that he gets along with his ex, and that Katie gets along with her too, and that maybe he can have the best of both worlds and down the road it won’t be so awkward. Ellis agrees and says that time heals all wounds and while shit gets kinda awkward now, down the line it will probably be less so.

The other side of that same coin, are parents who have a baby together and break up or get divorced (because seriously, more people are getting knocked up out of wedlock than ever before) and then one parent starts a new family and treats the new kids like they are made of gold and treats their ummmm….old (?) kid like they have leprosy and are coated in a thick layer of dog poop. And yeah, Ellis and Tully both agree that if you do that, you are a dick bag. They talk mostly about the father’s being the ones who are doing all of the bad, and say that people like that are more evil than the assholes who are mean to everybody, because being mean to one of your kids in favor of your new kids with a new lady is next level evil shit and you should just have the worst shit happen to you at that point. Tully does touch on the fact that there are mothers that do it too, that it’s not always the men, and since you’re reading this you have to listen to my opinion/experience on the subject which is: yeah, bitches do it too, which to me is a little worse since that little person came out of you and I do deal with a baby momma from fucking hell and the worst part is that she doesn’t even have another kid yet. She couldn’t care less about her kid in favor of her fucking lame-ass boyfriend. So yeah, bitches suck just as hard, and sometimes it’s a little more next next level evil douchebaggery.

The guys also get onto the subject of old people having kids and how old is too old to have a baby, because people are pushing them out older and older these days. So, how old is too old? Ellis thinks that if you wanna have a baby you should prolly at least have a good twenty years left on this Earth so that you can play with them and impart your knowledge and get to watch them grow up for the most part. But, how can you figure on having 20 more years on the planet when we all know that tomorrow is never a guarantee? Tully says that yeah, you can’t say that you will definitely get through tomorrow, but you know around how old your relatives are/were when they died (and if you don’t know off-hand the information is generally pretty easy to come by) so there is a good yardstick for some guesstimation. There are a lot of risks with being older and getting pregnant- after some googling done by Jetta we learn that the incidence of having a baby with down syndrome, ectopic pregnancies, and miscarriages drastically increase- but if you want a baby, then (as a caller suggested) you just gotta roll with the punches because the reward is worth the risk involved. As for worrying about having a baby with Down Syndrome…what’s the harm in that? Ellis and Tully both think that babies with Down Syndrome are delightful, though there is definitely a lot more work and a lot longer of a parent commitment involved. Also, you can always adopt a baby if you’re older and too worried about the risk and too worried about your older body not bouncing back the way that it would have when you were 20, and there are tons of babies out there looking to be adopted and you will change that baby’s life for the better.

Back from the break we learn that people in Washington State are allowed to smoke weed legally and have been able to for over a year now. So yeah, that’s not really news…what is news is the mammoth amount of fucking weed the people in Washington State imbibed over the past year. It was estimated (I guess at the beginning of the year) that the residents number 6.8 million would consume approximately 85 metric tons of weed over the course of the year. Nope. Didn’t happen. What did happen was that Washington State residents used over 185 metric tons of marijuana. That’s more than double if you suck at math and were wondering, or 50 joints per resident (man, woman, and child) over the course of the year. Holy shit. They must be some happy, relaxed motherfuckers. No wonder they see sparkly vampires. In other news, Rude Jude, who we all know and love wrote a book and it has officially been released so you should probably go out and buy it!!! Wilson has read a few of the stories in the book and says that he is going to buy a copy even though he already got one for free, because Jude is awesome and his book Hyena will hopefully get on the NY Times Bestseller list with some help from Ellisfam. I know that I’m going to hit up the bookstore to see if I can land myself a copy tomorrow.

The guys also did assign some Wolfknives names and I’m generally really good at listing them all and doing a little welcome paragraph, but my listening was so fucked up today and I didn’t write them all down but the ones that I remember are Bo Jangles, God Satan, Maccordian, Dick-Fil-A, Low Carb Andy, Fish Lightening, and Electric Boogalou (thanks Hubbs). Welcome to the Wolfknives guys, and if I didn’t remember you and you happen to be reading this, feel free to leave a comment with your name so I can look at it and feel bad about myself (but not really:)

Back from another break, which may or may not have been before or after the previous break, we learn that a Calgary Man named Tom Crist who subscribes to play the lottery on a yearly basis actually won a $40 million jackpot, which is a shit ton of money that I would probably do really immoral things for. What is this Canadian going to do with all of that cash? Why, he is going to donate every cent to charity, of course, cause he’s Canadian and that shit would never happen in America. It is true that the man is retired after selling a multi-million dollar company and who admittedly has already made sure that he and his children are taken care of, but the real reason that this man felt compelled to donate this absurd amount of money was his wife sadly passed away two years ago after a battle with cancer, and he wants the money to go towards cancer research as well as benefit the hospital that she received her treatment at. His kids are cool with his decision too, which we know because one of them called the show. Seriously. And Ellis thinks no one listens. The son of a multi millionaire listens. His name is Robbie and he talked about how he’s a good boy, has punched a guy out of a bar for shit talking his girlfriend who is pregnant with his child, and couldn’t be happier that his father is donating the money and feels that it is what his mom would have wanted. It is easy to say that there should be more people like this man and his family in the world so we could finally achieve world peace.

Time for a highbrow segment…but first, Vanessa has Fauxnuts. Cumtard, who is now in the studio, has never had one before and Tully doesn’t want to tell him what it is before he tries it because he doesn’t want Kevin’s tasters to go in biased. Cumtard likes the fauxnut and Tully proceeds to tell him that it is an everything free donut and it’s good for you (or at least not as bad since it still has sugary goodness) but Wilson didn’t like it. Will clarifies that he thinks that they are okay- they are really good for a healthy food and not so good for a junkfood food. Listening to them eat fauxnuts made me want a donut. Will asks the guys if they had a billion dollars at what age Ellis and Tully would hand money over to their kids and how much money they would give them. Ellis said he would pay for his kids education for sure, and if they were going to college and not fucking around he would buy them a car, but beyond that they would have to commit to partaking in some ridiculous obstacle course which included beating him in a lap of something (that something being heavily weighed in his favor) if they wanted any more. At some point in all of this they also did Tard That Tune, and I’m pretty sure that it was around here somewhere since Will stayed in the studio. It was Tard That Tune Volume 3 and proved to be challenging, not only because Kevin decided to throw in a bunch of weird 80’s tracks, but also because for some of them he was too high to realize that the sounds he was making made absolutely no sense in the song. And yeah…his neighbors probably think that he is absolutely insane.

There is some talk about fucking old guys, but not just any old guys, FAMOUS old guys. Because I mean, if you’re gonna be a guy and fuck an old guy and you aren’t gay, then he should probably be famous. The general consensus after some discussion was that they would all fuck Sean Connery and they would brag to each other about it. Why? Probably because Connery is the bad ass of bad assery, he was James Bond, he pulls off being so old that his whole head is just patterned facial hair, and fucking him would kind of just make you more manly. Who are some of the rejects? Sir Ian McKellen was a big NO, Sly Stallone did not make the cut, neither did the governator, or Clint ‘My Face is Falling Off’ Eastwood. There was an argument to be made for Harrison Ford, because hello Indiana Jones, Han Solo, and Jack Ryan, but Tully feels like he got prematurely old and crotchety. Fuck you Tully, Harrison Ford basically tops my list for ANY celebrity I would fuck, young or old because he is fucking awesome. For the record I would also do Sean Connery. And Bruce Willis, but he wasn’t brought up cause he isn’t 70 yet.

The guys wrap up the show with a brand new segment that was so amazing it lasted over an hour and a half and became final calls and had everyone calling the show with stories about the dumbest things that they have ever done. Not…not dumb…straight up life-threateningly, fire hazard, ball ripping, dick slicing, car crashingly stupid. Tully opens the segment up with a tale from his adventures in cross country barefoot road tripping where he and his friends went hopping around Chicago looking to buy some weed. Long story short, he got mugged twice and probably should have been killed twice, but got to keep his wallet and a shred of his dignity as well as having an awesome story to tell for years to come. Wilson regaled us with the story of how he threw an M80 into an oil barrel in his father’s shop that was filled with flammable liquid and the resulting blow (after he peeped in to see what was taking so long) singed off his eyebrow, melted his eyelashes together, and straight up blew his eyeball into a big red mess with no decipherable pupil or iris. Kevin kept a journal as a 13 year old boy. Even more stupid than that he wrote about his first sexual conquest in excruciating detail and his mom found it. Ellis wasn’t really sure what the stupidest thing he has ever done was, but eventually comes up with the time that he punched a beer mug and sliced up his hands and needed stitches and then couldn’t straighten his arms or skate properly. The phones wouldn’t stop on this subject and it would take me a good hour and a half to share all of the gloriously stupid stories that people called in with, so I’m gonna only do a couple:

When Jordan was 13 years old he decided to do his mom a favor and install the electric can opener that had been sitting around unopened for a month. Wanting to test it out he tried it on the only can that he could find, which just so happened to be a can of spray paint. After he punctured the spray paint can it exploded all over the kitchen, including into an outlet, which set the kitchen and his arms on fire. The good news is that he managed to get the kitchen fire out all by himself, but he did wait until after the fire in the kitchen was out before putting his arms out and he wound up in the hospital for a few days with 3rd degree burns.

Clayton ran himself over when he was 16 and drunk. He first crashed his car into a ditch and telephone combo to avoid hitting another car. He returned to his buddy’s house rather than continue his 5 minute journey home, forgot to put his car in park, and when it started to roll toward his buddy’s house he decided to try and stop it with his body, getting pinned between his car and his pal’s house at 2 in the morning, breaking his leg.

Dennet exploded summercamp latrines at the age of 13 and managed to explode one into his face. So he set his face on fire and had scorched shit stuck to his face, in his mouth, up his nose, and in his eyes. All because the explosion was taking longer than usual, he didn’t wanna look dumb in front of his friends, and he stuck his face over the hole to see what was going on.

Wayne married the same lady three times.

A caller crashed his car off of a cliff while trying to run over a slug.

Another caller shot himself through the knee with a hollowpoint while cleaning his gun…drunk.

And Frankendick. Good old Frankendick. He tablesawed the base of his cock. Oh dear god.

Some things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:

It’s hard to know how loudly to sing Happy Birthday at little kid parties, unless it’s your kid

40 is not old enough to give up on your body

Ellis would adopt a kid if he were rich

There is hope for Ellis not being a suspicious character since he started therapy

TLC used to be The Learning Channel, but now it’s just TLC because it is totally devoid of educational value and is the home of Honey Boo Boo and the future home of Sex Sent Me To The ER

A 440lb man on Long Island fucked his girlfriend through a wall (and lost his virginity at the same time)

Cumtard needs to stick to one Metal band on his clothes at a time

Cumtard: He’s full of cum, he’s a tard, he eats his farts

Tully wants to start a mouth band

Science will one day make Nerds candy healthy

Kelly Lebroc got a DUI from eating chocolate liquors

Will’s attitude is in his face and Ellis doesn’t like it

Cumtard accidentally maced himself

Don’t play with fire while drunk

Don’t play/clean guns while drunk

Don’t drive while drunk

Don’t play with any sort of power/hand tool while drunk

TJES listeners have done some amazingly stupid things

Tully is betting on Humankind

Ellis wants gold nipples

Stay Positive

Visit PatriotGuard.org

P.S. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Ellisfam!!!! <3
and you know, belated Happy Hannukah, Merry Festivus, Happy Kwanza, and whatever else you fuckers are into like Yuletide and Ramadan, and…shit. Love you all!!!

Show Recap for Thursday, 12/12/2013

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Feed your obsession…

People tend to be super addicted to their phones, this is something we all know, but are you so addicted to your phone that you don’t notice there’s a mirror in your bathroom across from the porcelain pee-hole until you’re pooping without having that magic rectangle in your hands? Why am I asking this extremely gross question (because yeah, I’m a girl and I think it’s gross that people sit on the potty and play on their phones)?!?!?!?! Well, this morning Ellis was sitting on the throne taking care of business, when he noticed that there was a mirror across from him so he could see what his face looked like while pooping (I’m dry heaving over here) and do you know what? There’s a big freaking scar across his forehead that he forgot about!! The scar itself is a relic of a tragic (not really) dumpster accident, and Ellis is glad that he has a scar there ’cause he’s getting old and what better way to face getting old than with a face full of scars? Um…there is no way better. He’s probably going to be getting another scar soon, since he’s getting the lump growing on his temple hacked off. But that’s cool, cause, hey, scars. Scars are great, they tell stories, they make you more interesting to look at, and chicks dig scars, man. And yeah, Ellis really did open up the show talking about shit and getting old, how tomorrow is not looking as good as yesterday, and he doesn’t want his body to fall to shit. He’s waiting for old guy ass to set in, but at the same time he really wants to avoid old saggy guy ass for as long as possible. He probably has that shit on lock considering how much he exercises, though he didn’t exercise this morning, but rest assured he’ll be reppin squats like a mother fucker tomorrow. Tully chimes in saying that while you can’t really get around looking older, you can prevent yourself from turning into a puddle of flesh, and Ellis probably is doing better than the guys from Kids in the Hall who look like monsters in their photoshoots….even after applying make up.

Hey!!!! What the fuck is wrong with the TV? You know, the tv that we can’t see anyway? There’s something wrong with it and it’s really distracting Ellis and having no effect whatsoever on Tully since he didn’t notice that it keeps flashing off an on. Ellis tries yelling at Jetta and whomever else he sets his sights on about this, because it’s way beyond the ‘trying to work the kinks’ out of the new studio and is getting more into ‘this shit is just never going to all work at the same time’ territory. Will comes in and it turns out that there is something wrong with the cable, that it isn’t only the tv in their studio, and no- it isn’t a cable issue in the greater Los Angeles area, but localized to the SiriusXM studios somewhere near Hollywood. The tv gets turned off, for really turned off, and the problem is solved. Tully thinks that maybe the studio has already hit its peak in terms of pristine functionality, but at least they are on the air and we can all hear them. Well, maybe you couldn’t hear them since you are reading this to find out what happened…but…you know what I mean, stop being a bitch. :D Ellis really wants everything to work and be at its best because he wants everything to be good for the fans. It’s always all about the fans for him. He wants to be bigger and better constantly and TJES is not a place to sit idly by and be complacent. The formula is working out, he’s an accidental genius and Tully is an actual genius, in terms of radio show hosting, and he’s gonna keep pecking at the big guys in charge so that they aren’t forgotten about. Because, where is the Jason Ellis Channel? Not the one on the app…the one on SiriusXM? But whatever, it’ll happen, and Ellis and Tully are both happy to say that they really like working for SiriusXM (apply whatever level of sarcastic filter you desire to that statement).

Someone (@thegooser) sent Tully a link to an article which was a collection of the 31 best things that Kanye West has said in the year 2013, prompting Tully and Ellis to engage in conversation about the great West, who gets spoken about too much as it is and they are feeding the machine that is already bursting at the seams. Basically….Kanye West is a fucking dick asshole joke of a person who thinks that he is a god (and I’m sorry if you disagree with me and think he’s awesome) and goes about saying how awesome and god-like and egotistical he is and that it’s justified because he needs to be egotistical as a part of his artistic process. Tully is surprised that he read a bunch of dickish things that Kanye said and didn’t then see him as even more of a dick, but found insight into the kind of person that Kanye is and the force that drives him. I do agree with Tully and the parallels that he draws between Ellis and Kanye and how they both need to set the bar high for themselves so they can feel driven enough to try and make leaps and bounds over the bar…but I also have a great dislike for Kanye West and for anyone who thinks that they are better than other people. Yes, Kanye has done some great (?) things musically, but I do some great things in bed and you don’t hear me saying that I’m a goddess who needs to be treated as such by whomever I’m getting on my knees for… Whatever. Ellis and Tully do reach the conclusion that Kanye is, in fact, a dick, but they have a new understanding of the kind of dick that he is. And no, Kanye, Kim Kardashian is not one of the top 10 most beautiful women of all time. In fact, a good friend from the State of the Biggest Dicks (real ones, not personality ones…) assures me that she is not even top 50 in North Dakota.

Dunnn dunnn da-da-da-dunnnn….breaking news!!!! The bid to hang out with Ellis on charitybuzz.com is up to $13,000!! Holy shit!!! That’s insane!!!! It really is amazing and tops what the bid was last year, which was made by now good friend of the show Betsey, and Ellis wants to know if he’s winning. But, more importantly, he and Tully are really happy that they get to be a part of something that helps people- in this case, starving people. WhyHunger is gonna get over $13,000 and feed a whole bunch of starving children here in the US, all because Ellis is King of the West and that’s basically a bargain when you really think about it. What is Ellis going/willing to do with the highest bidder? Whatever they want. Sex? Hang? Whipping? You call the shots Mysterious Money Man/Woman who has bucks to blow (but not really blow cause, you know, charity) to hang out with Jason Ellis. Congrats. I’m really jealous. He humped me for free. Just sayin. And yes, Ellis had the highest bid.

The newly instituted rules and regulations for the Ellis brood have been working!!! Woooooooooo!!! Parenting Win!!! In case you, like the guy who calls in, missed what these new magical parenting tricks being implemented are it is as simple as laying out the rules, alerting the kiddies of the consequences to the broken rules (before they are broken), giving two warnings before consequences are enacted, and sticking to your guns with the consequences if and when the time comes. Ellis says that he is so happy with the way that it is working out, and Devin told him that she really enjoys that Daddy isn’t yelling all of the time. Everybody is happier, the kids aren’t pushing the boundaries because they don’t want to lose skateboards and ice cream and dolls, and that makes life just so much better. This weekend they will be going moto-ing and horseback riding, and Ellis thinks that if Devin enjoys the outing this weekend he may have the whole moto thing clinched with her, which would be awesome.

Tully had a great morning with the Little Dude which began with the Dude waking up at 4 in the morning and getting brought into bed with mommy and daddy with ChooChoo (Thomas the Tank) on the tv until everyone passed out again. Tully awoke a second time feeling refreshed (the kind of refreshed where, for a minute, you’re scared that you’re late for something) and found that it was 7:30 and the Dude and wifey were still sleeping. He got to wake up, stretch, and have a cup of coffee to himself before Little Dude awoke again. He tackle cuddled him, had a baby hand shoved in his mouth, and got to relax and have cuddles and appreciate that it was moments like this that are really what life is about. Awwwwwww. No sarcasm. Just heart swelling girlie awwww. Tully also informs us that Little Dude is no longer a baby (a glorified blob) and is definitely just the littlest kind of human there is now, because he looks like a person with normal, albeit tiny, proportions. He talks about the differences between Daddy play and Mommy play and how mommies and daddies play different roles (but equally important) in babies lives. Daddies drag toddlers around and play fight and make mommies nervous, which is something that often doesn’t occur to mommies, and he feels kind of bad for single moms out there doing it on their own. Ellis talks about how he does enjoy the whole shared parenting act from the perspective of being a 50/50 parent and not having the kiddies all of the time. It gives both him and his ex time to do their own thing and clear their minds, which is great, because missing the kiddies kind of helps you appreciate the time you have with them even more and get more excited to do things with them. Tully says that he does envy Ellis’ ability to have his own time, and also says that when the Little Dude gets a little older he’s sure he’ll be calling upon Ellis for advice and some of his newly acquired parenting skills.

It’s time for Ellis to spin the wheel because he lost his sorta bet with Tully about Tully receiving nudes from 10 separate females over the course of the show the other day (and I am really very surprised Hubbs did not send him my tata’s) and Ellis is gonna spin the wheel because he’s a man and a deals a deal. Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody know-soh it stopped on #6. What is number 6, you ask? Ellis has to get farted on. Where is Kevin Kraft when you need him? Oh, apparently he’ll be around later, so, never fear!!!

Who’s Jordan Graham? Why does Ellis want to know? Well, he wants to know because he is going to (has already been, at this point) be on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and Jordan Graham is a topic to be discussed. So…who is she? Because, yes, Jordan is a she…and she is that girl who pushed her husband of 8 days off the side of a cliff and didn’t tell anyone about it for a while. Why does Dr. Drew want Ellis to talk about this? Because he prolly wants Ellis to say she’s ugly, or stupid, or he deserved it and stir the pot a bit because that right there is what we like to call good entertainment. Or Dr. Drew wants him to get stabbed. While they are talking about this, good old Wilson peeks his head in to inform everybody that the bride turned widow (at a rather impressive turnover rate) has plead guilty to Murder 2, which Ellis succinctly sums up as, so she admitted that she pushed him off the cliff and murdered him, but she didn’t really mean to. So, she’s gonna go to jail. And yeah, Tully is right, murderers should totally be harvested for their organs, because how bad are they really gonna need them in jail? Tully brings up the fact that a lot of women (am I right?) approach the whole marriage thing badly and fall into the trap of getting all caught up in the perfect wedding day and don’t focus enough on the ensuing marriage. It’s an issue because the wedding only lasts a day, and most likely it will not go off without a hitch, and a marriage lasts a lifetime…ish. A lot of women think that marriage is going to change something and make them happy, and fail to realize that marriage doesn’t magically make people happy. Marriage isn’t gonna turn your boyfriend/fiance person into a whole new and improved version of that person. It’s not gonna transform you into another person either. You’re still the same people living to all the same bullshit that was there before so you shouldn’t expect a ring and piece of paper to be a big game changer. Other topics that may be broached with Dr. Drew tonight include that 16 year old who only got probation for essentially murdering four people in a drunk driving accident because he was rich and had lawyers who successfully argued that he suffered from affluenza and therefore was too rich to know his consequences have actions. What’s the best way to show this kid that his actions have consequences? Obviously it’s not to punish him like any other fucking person would be punished in this situation, but to put him on probation. Tully says that he doesn’t think the kid is a monster because it’s hard to define a 16 year old’s entire character based on one bad decision, but doesn’t think it’s right that he was rich enough to get out of jail time. Ellis agrees- you fucking kill someone, you need to go to jail. Because yeah, this kid needs to go to juvie and learn a lesson, not go to a cushy rehab and be told that he has a problem and it isn’t his fault. Four people are dead. Their families lives are altered forever, and someone has to pay the piper. Please let there be an ensuing civil suit. There’s an update on Amanda Bynes who had a lovely descent into the crazy shithouse over the past year. She is out of rehab and is back living with her parents after losing her shit, being diagnosed with schizophrenia, and getting some treatment. She is on the road to recovery, interested in starting a career in fashion, and that’s just great because she seems like a delightful person to be stuck in a revolving door with. People are getting abducted in some town somewhere near to where Jetta is from and Ellis was trying hard to read the name by himself, but Jetta ruined it after being told not to ruin it and got yelled at a bit for being a moron. In all the sounding out and googling to try and figure out what is going on with this news story…Tully can’t figure out who is getting abducted or why, and neither can anyone else, but Vanessa’s hair looked great today.

Ellis takes this opportunity to talk some smack on the Samsung Galaxy phones and the little watches that sometimes go with them. Will says the watch is a useless toy, but then says that it does let him know what’s going on with his schedule, such as alerting him to the fact that guest Greg Fitzsimmons is in the studio today. Ellis thinks the iPhone is superior because he is an iPhone user and generally all iPhone users think that. He takes a call from a girl named Angel and asks her if when she goes out on a first date with a guy and he pulls out a Galaxy does the guy in question get knocked down a peg. After a moment of thinking Angel says that yeah, a guy loses points when he pulls out a Galaxy instead of an iPhone. I’m pretty sure the sound of twitter exploding was heard ’round the world and many wondered why, and the phone lines lit up at the good old Jason Ellis Show studio. Yeah, the Android vs. iPhone debate is probably taken more seriously and argued more vehemently than Republican vs Democrats, and that is a sad sad fact of our culture. Girls with Galaxy phones call, girls with iPhones call, guys with Galaxy phones call, and everyone weighs in about which is the better phone, even though that’s not what Ellis was asking. He was asking which phone girls think are cooler. I am going to call bullshit on the caller who said her Galaxy fits in her lady sized pants pocket. Total bullshit. My iPhone, which is smaller, does not fit in any of my pockets, especially not the front ones. And seriously, if you judge a person based on their phone…go seek professional help or go get sterilized, because you are a part of the problem and we don’t need your progeny.

After the break the guys are joined by comedian Greg Fitzsimmons. And I am going to apologize to you now, because it was painful for me to sit through this next hour of show where they caught up on random bullshit and swapped random stories and Ellis was super excited, but, to men, it was like listening to a couple of guys who sort of knew each other but weren’t great friends catching up on whatever random tidbits of their lives occurred since they last awkwardly caught up with one another. I was tuned in and I swear to all that is Bunnies that I took four and a half fucking pages of notes during the hour or so that they talked…and guys…I got nothing. Hubbs put it this way, “Yeah, they talked a lot, and it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great. There was some funny stuff in there.” Agreed. They talked about rap, rock and roll (Rolling Stones vs Beatles vs ACDC), bad tempers, being passionate, ex wifey beating Ellis up, right wing assholes, and podcasts. Feel free to hate me for not getting into the nitty gritty detail here, but that’s all I’m giving you, tweet me your hate @jennimazky if you feel the need, or request pics of the 4 1/2 pages of notes I took. You can enlarge them on your computer or zoom in on your phone…I have immaculate fucking handwriting.

Before final calls Tully rejoins the show with an article about an Indianapolis man who was arrested for coptering his cock at two random ladies, who he also may have been trying to abduct, that some lovely listener (FUCKING ME BITCHES) sent his way knowing that Ellis and Co are big fans of the act of swinging their cocks around copter style. And then the person who won the Why Hunger charity auction called the show!!! His name is Justin and he donated over $13,000 to hang with Ellis and feed starving kids. Good on you, Justin!!!!!!!!!! When asked what he wants to do with Ellis he responds that he wants to take Ellis and his fam to a Kings game, which is really wonderful, but I think he’s not getting the fact that Ellis wants to do something for him after he spent $13,000 to hang out with him….which buys a lot of candy bars. Whatever they wind up doing, I am certain that we will hear about it, because Ellis lives his life on the radio. Another round of applause for Justin and his vat of awesomesauce. Wilson has the new intro Ellis requested which was pieced together with soundbytes from yesterday’s show courtesy of Angie Stevenson, her sister and her friend, as well as Will, and Ellis likes it, but it’s not quite there. I’m sure that will be worked on and it will be pristine before we know it. A guy named Sean who has a baby face and wants to be a cop in Cali drops by the studio and Ellis and Tully make pig jokes at him while they can still do it without getting arrested. Kevin Kraft is woefully devoid of flatulence and it looks like Ellis will have to wait until tomorrow to be farted on, because if Kevin goes for it today, in all likelihood, he will get sharted on. And before it’s time for someone to not die, Tully shares that the man who was doing fake sign language for 3 hours are Nelson Mandela’s memorial service has been identified, but still no one is really sure how this guy got the gig. The guy does, in fact, know how to sign, however he reports suffering from a schizophrenic break and hallucinations of angels during his time and that’s why he was signing nonsense. No one is sure how this man got the security clearance required to stand right next to not only our president, but basically all the fucking world leaders, because the people who hired him have vanished into thin air. Oooooookaaaaaaaayyy. Who’s trying not to die? His name is Jerry and no, he is not going to do a recap of the show (good move, Jerry, good move) but he is going to sing a jaunty little tune about his, and everyone’s favorite wookie Chewbacca, on the hunt for intergalactic nookie. Well played.

Things we learned on the show today:

Tully may be getting older, but his feet still look great

Tully is attractive to black women

Ellis always tries to be thankful to the little people…until he gets angry with them

There’s a new Wolfknife Military Hoodie that is super sweet

Betsey sent Ellis the biggest chocolate bar he has ever seen

Ellis can’t touch his own back because his biceps are huuuuuuuuge

You can scare a pack of wolves away with Megadeath’s music

Tully & Ellis relate more to cats than to abductors

Fuck you if you’re trying to get Ellis to look at ‘the bright side’ of things

Different Cultures prefer different sized phones

Ellis’ face falls off if he doesn’t get enough sleep

Greg Fitzsimmons has a bad temper

Revenge is the sweetest thing next to pussy- Tupac- who then was murdered

Ellis has no savings in the bank

Greg Fitzsimmons plays ice hockey, paddle tennis, golf, and beach volleyball

Comedians and writers getting high and bouncing a ball over a net does not constitute a sport

Ellis needs a podcast

New Yorker’s secret to longevity- don’t make eye contact

Ellis follows a certain etiquette when sending a dick pic to the people he bests

Final callers: don’t ask Ellis what he’s up to…you know what he’s up to

Susan Boyle has Aspergers and the voice of an Angel

Tully has to go see Santa

 

Show Recap for Thursday, 11/7/2013

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I’m trying to think of a clever opening line for this and failing miserably. Boom. But that’s kind of okay because the keys of a keyboard are kind of like buttons and sometimes you have to press buttons that you don’t remember pressing because you are stupid, or getting old, or have some sort of disease or something- Jason Ellis. And, really, when it comes down to it I am both blonde and a female, so…yeah…stupidity abounds (and I can say that shit because I am female and blonde, and like Jews, we are allowed to make fun of ourselves). Ellis opens up the show talking about getting older and all of the things that go wrong with your body and how you have to stay lubed up on the inside because when shit starts stiffening up is when you start dying. Ellis is going to be an old man with sick swagger because he’s broken his nose so many times it looks like a penis, he has a ridiculously awesome head tattoo, and he’s going to be a multimillionaire with a wrinkly face full of tattoos and wear a suit. Tully talks about how you have to give old guys their props when they go through life sticking to whatever style speaks to them, such as the people who have spent their lives shopping at Boot Barn, or Hair Metal guys who didn’t bitch out and shave their heads when Hair Metal stopped being cool. But, if you’re 40 and a goth and you haven’t gained fame and fortune from being a goth, please wash your face and get a haircut, because that shit is for high schoolers.

Rawdog is looking to change up his look (probably because it takes overall less effort than changing his abysmal eating habits) and wants to start rockin suits on the reg- so long as they are tailored by an old Italian guy named Giuseppe who does a fair amount of fondling during the fittings. He talks about how he considers himself a comic which gets a resounding “You are not a comic you’re just…some guy” from Ellis, which Tully agrees with because comics have to be on and able to throw a funny on any subject matter. Tully tells Rawdog that he is a radio personality, but concedes it would be comical for Josh to walk around in suits handing out business cards touting his comedic abilities. Rawdog also brings to the conversation that he thinks that all three of them should wear matching suits while hosting the show as a throw back to the oh so classy do-wop bands of back in the day. Um…no. Tully is perfectly happy wearing jeans every day and Ellis in a suit is just some tattooed guy who looks like he had a court date in the morning and didn’t have time to change.

Ellis took Tiger to school this morning and played with him in the classroom before the teacher got there. Some other parents were there with their kids, but Ellis had no interest in chatting it up with them (and I don’t blame him because I hate talking to people who think we have something in common because we are in the vicinity of children) so he and Tigs played with a bunch of buttons on a table which did nothing and the younger Ellis said it was lame. However, one of the parents took the opportunity to talk to Jason and say how a couple of weeks ago her husband was at the school DJ-ing a little kiddie dance party. Which is so not lame. Also, Tiger made waves and was crowned the King of Kiddie Dance Party Time by headbanging to the music, making all the little girls swoon. Is anyone surprised about Tiger’s inherent awesomeness? No. He has Ellis blood running through his veins and he’s a hardcore little long-haired tyke who is too much of a man to wear his long hair in a ponytail. Ellis tells a story about his mom getting him a job as a bar back and he hated it because he had to wear a shirt and tie and his hair in a ponytail, and says he would have been so embarrassed by someone he knew seeing him that way.

Wilson is getting laid. In fact, he probably got laid last night, so no wonder he’s such a happy go lucky guy. Who isn’t a little happier when they’re plowing with impunity and getting blown like it’s no big? Although, it must be a strange feeling to send dick pics to someone who actually wants them…

Tully regales us with a tale from Twitter. Apparently he follows Jared (the guy who lost all that weight in the 90’s by eating Subway everyday and has kept the weight off with a steady Subway diet) and Jared tweeted how he was sosososososo close to 5000 followers and his 5000th follower would receive a signed $10 Subway gift card. Following proper Twitter etiquette, Tully promptly unfollowed Jared, re-tweeted him a bunch of times to get other people to follow Jared while constantly refreshing Twitter to make sure he could be the 5000th follower and get that sweet ass gift card (because that’s TWO five dollar foot longs, mother-fucker). Unfortunately, though his timing was not to be blamed, Tully wound up being the 5009th follower, and lost the gift card to @theblackitalian. Come on, dude, you know the right thing to do. Ellis brings up getting Jared on the show, but maybe that’s not a great idea because while the idea of Jared is hilarious, the person a pud. I mean…being famous for losing weight eating mediocre subway sandwiches may actually be worse than being famous for being famous in the grand scheme of things. But, it would be funny to log on to Ellismania.com and watch a video of Jared and Tully sharing a sub Lady and the Tramp style.

In the Jewish religion…you just die. Rawdog informs Jason that the Jews don’t have a heaven and their faith is about living the present life to the fullest because nothing comes after. Which makes sense. It’s not enough to make me convert to Judaism or anything, but it does make sense. Tully talks about how Jews spend a lot of their money giving back to their communities and thinks it is a genuinely good gesture and yeah, they should get a commemorative plaque for it. If they aren’t going to go to heaven when they die, at least they can live on inscribed on a wall somewhere. Tully broke down the evolution of some major religions is a great way, talking about how Pagans believed that the gods existed and didn’t care about humans more than as a source of entertainment for boredom, Jews believe in God and having a relationship with God, and Christians believe that God loves them and loves them so much that after they die they get to go to Heaven and chill with him for eternity. Yeah…someone thinks a little highly of themselves. Will Scientology evolve to be the next big religion? Maybe. But probably not. For every successful major religion there are countless failed ones…and Scientology really doesn’t have that great of a start considering Ron L. Hubbard was a relatively well known Science Fiction writer…besides, there are many things in our secular world that can be worshipped- like money, sex, and celebs. I think Rawdog is kind of right in saying that celebrities these days are kind of like the Greek gods…they are talked about, fawned over, killed for, and have sex scandals…sounds like some good foundations for Mythology to me.

Speaking of celebrities…Ellis told Katie that she should ask the Maddens (Benji, Joel, and Nicole) where to go to get her hair done, because even if it’s expensive she can get some tips from the hairdresser and she doesn’t want to go to the stylist who did his ex-wife’s hair (because, hello awkward). Being the great guy that he is, he offers to pay for it since they both knew that it would be expensive. How expensive? They ballparked $300 worth of expensive. They were kind of right in the way that if you double that they almost had the right amount. Yeah…for anyone out there who isn’t a mathlete and aren’t sure about that calculation…the haircut cost $650. Holy shitfuck. Let me tell you something…I’m a girl…I have short hair…it costs me twenty freaking dollars to get my hair done!!! Including tip!!!! I would have died on the spot…or somehow tried to figure out how to return a haircut. But Ellis took the news in his stride and simply told Katie that her hair looked great. Good move, Ellismate…good move.

A not so good move was laughing when Devin told him that his underwear was found under Mummy’s couch. Um…what? A pair of boxers were found under Ellis’s ex-wife’s couch by the babysitter and Devin decides to tell Daddy about it while Katie is in the kitchen and not quite out of ear shot. And Ellis, after being confused for a minute, laughed because he knew that they were so absurdly not actually his underwear under the couch since he hasn’t even taken his shoes off under that roof. Katie gave him a ‘really’ face, but Ellis gave her a ‘really’ laugh, because this is the first time in his life that he has not been cheating in a relationship and he’s not about to feel guilty over something that he didn’t do. Ellis sent a text to his ex who also LOL-ed over it and the issue was dropped because Ellis doesn’t even care enough to know whose underwear it was. All Ellis is trying to do is be the ultimate radio show man, the ultimate father, and the ultimate overall version of him. And yeah…the Ultimate Father would be a cool reality show, but The Ultimate Mother would be fucking insane. It would be the Real Housewives meets the mothers from Toddlers in Tiara’s, with a good dash of Road Rules/Real World Challenge thrown in. For the win.

After the break the guys come back to revisit a story they talked about a day or so ago regarding a man in New Mexico who, after being pulled over by local police and observed clenching his buttcheeks, was subjected to hours of probing, enemas, x-rays, and endoscopy to find drugs he was allegedly hiding in his butt somewhere…that didn’t actually exist. Why did the story pop back up? Because a second man has come forward from the same area stating that he was subjected to the same treatment after a similar traffic stop. Both incidences involved the use of a K-9 drug sniffing dog who indicated the men had drugs on their person, which gave the judge probable cause to sign a warrant for the procedures to be performed. But, a big BTW, the dog in question’s certification lapsed in April 2011, over a year before the first incident. Some more problems with this situation? The officers took the man to one hospital where the doctors flat out refused to perform the procedures so they took him to a second one which was out of the county (invalidating the warrant) which took so long the warrant expired before they got there. Not enough drama for you yet? Well, this man spent the next few hours undergoing multiple x-rays, two invasive cavity searches, three enemas, and a colonoscopy (presumably in the presence of a partridge and a pear tree because…of course). Oh, and let me say again, they found NO DRUGS. So, this guy was anally raped by doctors acting on orders of policemen with permission from a judge on evidence from an outdated (?) drug sniffing dog for the heinous offense of squeezing muscles in his butt after being pulled over for rolling a stop sign in a fucking parking lot. There’s no coming back from that shit. ANNNNNNNNNND…now there’s some guy who came forward alleging that this shit has happened more than once. It’s not aliens in New Mexico, guys, it’s the cops…all those people just didn’t think anyone would believe them. Multiple calls were taken on the subject and everyone agrees that it was excessive (even though we really don’t know the whole story) except, i think, for a State Trooper, and hopefully this guy gets a ridiculous settlement from the police and the hospital (who billed him for his rape) and a bunch of these assholes get fired and New Mexico police institute some sort of competency standard or a better system of anal search checks and balances.

After talking about this Ellis decides that when he grows up he wants to be a vigilante Detective Robin Hood so that he can turn people’s lives away from crime using some torture and choice words. He thinks that if you bring someone to the edge of death and tell them to turn their lives around that they’ll listen, because almost dying tends to make people want to live better. Rawdog wants to vicariously enjoy the vigilante lifestyle so he volunteers to be Ellis’s remote hacker, which will end up with them both being caught as Rawdog tries to Google how to hack electronic locks.

Time for Moto News!!! There’s gonna be a race!! In Paris, France. The fans are excited and Wil Hahn has been training and he feels comfortable and ready. Moto News- TJES will bring it up and talk about it even if nothing is going on. What to take away from this? There is going to be a race, there will be dirt, Wil Hahn is ready, and it’s in France.The End. The fact that I’m not joking kind of makes it funny.

Now, the moment that we have all been waiting for for some time now. The real story behind Rawdog’s youthful circle jerk. Here’s the sitch- back when Josh was still Josh and not also Rawdog and was in middle school he had some friends over on Thanksgiving, whom we will only know as Felix and Oscar. After filling up their bellies with yummy Thanksgiving goodness, they play some computer games and hang out in Josh’s room where they start looking at French Playboy’s from Josh’s family trip to France earlier in they year. They were gifted to him by his Belgian Stepfather (which is really a whole other story that needs to be told after Rawdog sees a hypnotherapist to recall those memories) and the boys talk about their jerking off habits while leafing through the pages and reading passages aloud to each other in pubescent voices and poorly enunciated French, fantasizing about what the fuck it says. Felix (who years later turns out to be gay) is who initiates the jerk-off conversation and states he beats the meat, “like five times a day, NBD” and Oscar and Josh both tout their own jacking off habits. Skipping ahead to bedtime, the boys are all laying around in the dark shooting the pre-sleepy time shit when Felix things it would be funny for them all to jerk off together to see who finishes first. Oscar is down for it because, why not, and Josh, although feeling weird about it agrees to partake with a resounding “Okay”. Felix finishes first (since obviously he was already halfway there the entire night to begin with), Oscar comes in a close second (haha…comes…get it?), and Josh is last…which no one can fault him for since he was probably intimidated in the presence of the older 13 year olds.  A year later while they’re all hanging out Josh decides to bring up the incident which causes the trio to promise that they will keep the events of that night a secret for the rest of time. Or until now. Cause, way to go,Josh.

A video has surfaced online taken by a Brazilian girl which features Justin Bieber sleeping and said Brazilian girl blowing a kiss to the camera, which has sent the rumor mill a-buzzing. Because some people actually care about this shit. And they’re probably all underage. Is this girl a stalker? A brazilian prostitute? A creepy/lucky fan? How did she get in his room? Why doesn’t the kiss she blows the camera say “I fucked him” definitively enough? Why didn’t someone see her doing this? Isn’t he always with security? Isn’t his security all about telling people to not take pics of the Biebs? I don’t know and I don’t fucking care and no one else should either. Although, I guess I can see the allure if celebs are an allegory for Pagan gods, but I’m also an atheist so I still think it’s fucking stupid. In way funnier and more interesting news a man has been arrested after using a tazer on his wife. Which, yeah, okay, that’s not really funny or interesting until this next part where it was agreed upon in the terms of a bet on a football team between the hubbs and wifey. After getting tazed bitch was none to pleased and called the cops who arrested the guy because it’s a crime to use a tazer on someone, even if they agreed to it and admit that they agreed to it. Probably because people have died from that shit. And yeah, that makes it funny to me. In some more random news, Arianna Grande (singer/actress) gave an interview to a magazine recently where she told a story about encounters with demons, basically labeling herself as batshit insane. She encountered the demonic presence initially in Kanasas, which then followed her to her hotel room a couple weeks later where she was confronted with growling, rumbling noises, dark shadows, and feelings of dread to the point where she cried and fell asleep apologizing to the dark spirits while on the phone with a friend. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog then break down that bitches who see ghosts are cool, bitches who see bigfoot are gnarly, and bitches who see demons have some mummy and daddy issues. And, in case you weren’t sure you were being harassed by a demonic presence, there are some surefire signs to either settle your mind or terrify you to death which Rawdog googled, but I re-googled and found them for you here. You’re welcome. Or I apologize for enabling your laziness.

Time for some guests because Joanna Angel and her friend Lindsay have found the new studio!!!! Joanna thinks the new studio is crazy and feels kind of weird there, but her and Lindsay agree that the couch from Grant Cobb is awesome, and Tully takes their picture on it because theirs are the first female asses to touch it. Joanna Angel has a Fleshlight which you should go and buy because we’re all friends here and there’s no need to pretend that you aren’t in to that sort of thing. She mentions that she didn’t realize how long it’s been since she’s been on the show until she met Karla (Josh’s girlfriend…you know…Rawdog? Rawdog’s girlfriend) which I believe happened at Ellismania. During this 10 minute meeting Karla told Joanna what turns out to be a secret that Joanna brings up, not knowing that it was a secret since Karla told her about it off the cuff after talking to her for 10 minutes, which Rawdog promises to tell Ellis off of the air. Ellis is a little miffed that Joanna is apparently in deeper with Karla after a chat than he is with Rawdog after being friends with him for years. But whatever. If you were ever wondering what Ellis would be like as a chick, you need look no further than Joanna’s friend Lindsay. Ellis says that he follows her on twitter and instagram (and no I didn’t get her handle because I was trying to run my kid to the toilet so he didn’t vomit on the floor for the 3rd time during the show because he doesn’t like the ‘just in case’ bowl) and she and her girlfriend remind him of himself and Katie. Joanna and Lindsay then assist in a re-enactement of Rawdog’s boyhood circle jerk (scroll up a paragraph or two if you don’t remember) and Joanna gets comfortable in the studio, lying on the floor portraying Oscar, because a good guest shows up, but a great guest gets into character.

Ellis is, or rather was (at this point) on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and hopefully you tuned in to watch him Live in his awesomeness talking about subjects in the news like the mayor of Toronto who refuses to stop drinking, stop smoking crack, and stop being mayor. How will Ellis be introduced on the show? Why, as Jason Ellis- Sirius XM Host, Author, Pro-Skateboarder, and Philanthropist, of course. Ellis took a minute to spell it all out, and didn’t understand why Tully said it was ironic that Ellis asked how to spell ‘author’, but that’s one of the many reasons we love the man, isn’t it? He didn’t let not really being able to read stop him from being a NY Times Best Selling Author. Red Dragons.

Time for final calls, where final caller Jory (like Cory, but with a J and a big dick) doesn’t die and tells us about being in a truck stop in France where the big trucker at the urinal next to him stares him down while jacking off, but Jory doesn’t do anything but keep peeing because they guy doesn’t try to touch him and that’s cool, sometimes you gotta get your shit done and he isn’t homophobic. He does have a douchebag older brother who got him and his friend drunk on 99 Bananas when they were too young, pretended the cops showed up and had him and his friend guzzle ketchup and mustard to avoid arrest. But it’s okay, cause they threw up in his bed.

Things we learned today:

Cullen is better than Tim Armstrong

Wilson’s knee is swollen from all the pussy pounding he’s doing

Mitzvah’s are for everyone

There’s a massive hurricane hitting the Phillipines’…so massive that it’s the largest hurricane ever recorded with expected 235 mph winds (keep your fingers crossed for those guys, in other words)

Tim Kennedy won his MMA fight, but the Troops he did it for were the real winners

Starbucks is giving vets free tall coffees on Veteran’s Day

Bitches be triflin’

Ellis jacked off while staring down a seal…in the ocean…on a jet ski

Over the years, Rawdog has ejaculated enough to fill 2 1/2 2 liter soda bottles

Ellis believes in gluten free donuts

Tully misses being young and dating crazy chicks

When Lindsay bends over to take off her shoes, everyone is a winner

When Lindsay orgasms in real life and simulated situations she says “Success” and “Thank you”

Rawdog thinks the circle jerk situation was creepy once Tully is narrating it…and yeah, Felix was gay the whole time

You have to be mature to be a slut

And in case you didn’t know, or in case you forgot, there’s a contest being held here at No You Are which is sponsored by Onnit and you should enter because how fucking sweet is that?!?!?!?!?!?!? Remember, all the answers can be found here on the site. May the odds be ever in your favor ;)

 

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 10/10/2013

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Before I jump in to the actual re-cap for all of you currently heading to or in Las Vegas for Ellismania 9, I wanted to take a seond and thank all of my absolutely amazing Ellisfam and the guys here at NYA for reaching out to me over this past week and offering support for the tough shit that is going on in my life. I have never known such a wonderful goup of people before and I’m so grateful for all the love being sent my way.

NOW…business as usual…

Happy Australian Birthday to the main man who is the reason that I’m writing this and that you’re reading this…Jason Ellis. The King of the West is either officially or unofficially 42 years old and unsure about how he feels about it because 42 is old. Old enough that all the people walking around the good ol’ US of A who are currently old enough to drink weren’t alive when Ellis was first legally allowed to drink in this country but not so old that he’s hit the point of no return life drop off age (which is 46, according to Tully). Ellisfeels a little bit proud of himself for all that he has accomplished at this point in life, but thinks he probably should feel more proud of himself (and he should) and wants everyone to know that he is looking forward to accomplishments that won’t result in further brain damage like race car driving, skating with his kids, and camping. He has not yet begun to talk about things like insurance or politics, but is taking to heart comments from Devin like, “why are you still doing this?” in regard to him fighting. No, he doesn’t have to pull out of the fight this Saturday at Ellismania 9, but if he gets a black eye in the fight then Devin is gonna sock him one and make his other eye black with her daddy-inherited heacy hands. Good thing she is too young to know about detached retinas.

Tim Sabean called Ellis this morning just to see how things were going and ask if fhe needed anything because Ellis is the King of the West and the show is finally getting some of the SiriusXM TLC that it deserves. Yes, there are still glitches here and there because it’s a new studio and lay the fuck off, but things are getting done. Wilson introduced the ever talked about and never before seen to exist VIP lines for TJES and texted the number to all the VIPs out there…except Butterballs. Ellis mentioned a fight on twitter with the one replay hater who finds listening to morning replays so obnoxious that he feels the need to tweet about it and how he’s fighting a losing battle because Faction is going to be Ellis’s channel one day. Really?!?! Fucking sweet.

Throughout the show we’re getting running commentary on some spanish Soap Operas the guys have playing in the studio which seem to feature a maniac Mexican man who looks like he works at Bruce Lee Burgers and is beating and killing members of his family with blood on his face, wearing the same shirt for days and not giving enough fucks to wipe his nose blood away. Tully says he noticed that everyone in the new building is falling into the TV trap and that it’s the main difference between listening to East Coast versus West Coast SiriusXM. Opie and Anthony never comment on what’s going on on TV, but they’ve been spoiled for so long that the novelty has worn off at this point. Don’t complain about their sudden exclamations over what’s happening just out of our sight…they’re fucking hilarious and if your driving or if your mind has wandered for a second hearing Ellis, Tully, or Rawdog yell, “OH MY GOD!!!!!!!” is the perfect way to snap you back into focus. There’s also another new TV on the wall which beams videos from Tully’s computer to the screen for them all to see easier, but after plugging it into Josh’s computer and re-plugging it into Tully’s it has stopped working. Way to go Josh. But anyway…

There were some fights on last night with the main even being Jake Shields, which is a drag, because despite technically being a good fighter he is a very boring fighter and there are no winners when your main event is a boring fight. You know what fights won’t be boring? The fights happening this weekend at Ellismania 9 that if you (like me) aren’t able to trek out to Vegas you can catch at Ellismania.com. Erika has to drop out of the girl fight because she has a lung infection, but don’t worry, plenty of female listeners answered the call to volunteer themselves as a fill in!!!!! Lots of chicks are ready to get down and dirty at Ellismania and have the oppurtunity to try and beat the shit out of another girl. Is this going to be the last fight every for Ellis? No, probably not, but he is saying that he doesn’t really want to be the main event anymore. Why? Because he isn’t looking to be on the road to pain and go around killing himself training to the point where he forgets that Ellismania is supposed to be fun anymore. He still wants to be in fights, but he wants to be in fun fights fighting leprechauns for a pot o’ gold pinata stuffed with goodies or whatever other fun fight pops into his head. Ellis is in it for the fans. He kept this going alone and kept thinking that if he kept it up long enough that someone bigger would come along and want to be involved, and SiriusXM is finally interested. Determination gets you everywhere!!!

Hey, you know your super cool collection of random bits of audio and rarely heard songs and tidbits from bands/actors/movies that you spent so much time and effort gathering? Well, the joke is on you because it’s all on the internet now!!!! ROFL. But seriously, back in the day it took work to be a fan and you spent time and effort getting your hands on everything and anything that had to do with whatever you were interested in. Now it is all constantly in your pocket or palm courtesy of the free WiFi hotspot you’ve found with your smartphone. Like the video Tully found of Sly Stallone and Carl Weathers choreographring fight scenes for Rocky. Ellis thinks that they should make a tv show for Mexico because they’re TV standards are ridiculous and it would be no problem to come up with an idea. Rawdog brings up a new show being talked about (if only by him) called Celebrity Champion where celebs compete in gymnastics and have Mary Lou Rhetton judge them. It will be a safer show than Splash (where someone thought it would be a good idea to get celebs to high dive with no experience) so viewers can look forward to not seeing someone almost die on the show every week. The lady who is the voice behind Siri has been found, although Apple will neither confirm nor deny it, and Ellis loves Siri because she helps him spell out texts to tell Grant Cobb that he is impressed with the couch that he built for the studio.

Back to fights, out of all of the fights going on at Ellismania this weekend (which I really really really am bummed to not be there you lucky fucks who are!!!!) Ellis is the most concerned about the fight between Sam Ruben and Tera Patrick, mostly because neither one of them wants to be punched in D face and chances are one of them will be, if not both. Sam can try and joke about it as much as he wants, but everyone knows he really can’t roll into work on Monday sporting a black eye becasue KTLA is no joke and have harder asses than the FCC. Although, Tully does point out that morning news programs tend to be more fun and light-hearted and can roll with the punches, so why not roll with the punches that landed on Sam’s face and caused his black eye? After all, there was a newscaster in North Carolina who mistook cat vomit on the bottom of his shoe for grapenuts and ate it. Live. On television. And informed everyone after the fact that it was cat vomit and not grapenuts. As if it being grapenuts excused the action of eating food off of the bottom of his shoe in the first place. Holy fucking shit. What a scofflaw that guy is, huh?

Wait. What? Scofflaw? Where the hell did that come from Rawdog? I have a pretty spectacular vernacular and I had to google that shit to have google yell at me and call me a dumb bitch for not knowing how to spell it. That is some serious prohibition era bullshit to drop like it’s the word ‘jerk’ and expect everyone to know what you’re talking about so dont be surprised you’re getting called out on it and being called a show-off for your off-brand, hipster-know-it-all foul word play, because everyone knows the word plethora because every human being alive has seen the Three Amigos. Ellis knows plethora because he’s better at remembering shit when he’s punched in the face afterward. And for all the other know-it-alls out there who wanna correct facts and be all ‘LOL Oxford-boy, how’d you get that one wrong’ it’s because useless shit falls out of your brain if you don’t have a photographic memory and haven’t been in the halls of learning for more than a decade. By the way, Rawdog, how are you feeling about your fight against Nick Swardson in two days? Apparently Rawdog is feeling the same way about it as he has every other fight and would prefer not to get into even the most vague of specifics concerning strategy or training because it’s gonna be a surprise (both to him and everyone there). But Ellis tells him he better make it good for the fans, because people are pulling crazy stunts to be there and if Ozzy is 60 and jumping around stage for fans at concerts then Josh can put on a good fight.

Yes, more Ellismania stuff because it starts tomorrow and of course they are going to talk about it endlessly today! People are calling in from all over the country and Canada to say they are on their way and they are pumped and who can blame the guys for talking about it?!?!?!?! Aaron from Wyoming will have driven 16 hours by the time of the show tomorrow and is only staying to see TJES at the Hard Rock Hotel poolside because he has to get back home. Tully is going to buy him lunch as an insurance policy against the show sucking, which seems impossible as there will be plenty going on with the Little Miss Jason Ellis pageant and the commencement of butt judging. Wilson says he bets that no one can bribe him over the next few days in order to be judged the best butt…so do your worst!!!!!! Lots of stuff is going to be available for purchase at Ellismania, but also a ton of stuff is going to be given out so keep your twitter alerts active for updates from Ellis and Tully for when they decide to give shit away. Known oppurtunities for freebies thus far are at the DDD! show where Ellis and Tera Patrick will be throwing goodies off stage and Wilson will have cum ra-errrrr…bar towels.

Fartathon 2013 is here! Next week, Tully promises us that there will be a sort of new segment where Unsigned Bands will be facing off against Unsigned Farts!!! The bad news????? No one is sending farts to Ellisparodies@gmail.com !!! What the hell, guys? Just like everybody poops, everybody farts (but they don’t want the poop farts so abstain from sending those) so where have all the flatulent fellas gone? Is Ellis to blame for telling guys that it’s disgusting to fart on or in front of their girls? I am a girl and I will tell you, it’s really okay to fart in front of your lady. Not on her, because then you fully deserve to be kicked in the teeth, but as a girl myself I have come to learn that guys fart. They love to fart. It’s the most natural form of comedy there is! Hubbs farts, I call him Stinky Butt and we move on with life. I for one will have my phone at the ready for his farts so I can do my Ellisfam duty and make sure there’s enough audio for the segment. And they aren’t going to stop talking about farts until they get them, which is why during the Fartathon we learn that termites are the organism on Earth that fart the most and can even turn themselves into self-destructing suicide fart bombers (because who doesn’t want that superpower in a bind), vegetarians fart more than us carnivors, the average person passes gas 14 times a day (so really get over it), and rice is the only food known to man which doesn’t cause your anus to vibrate and spew methane gas.

During the premiere of 12 Years a Slave, the current frontrunner for the next Best Picture, there was some dumb bitch in lace gloves texting throughout the entire movie. Even after another moviegoer requested she cease and desist this woman informed the “enslaver” that her texting was for business and he should self-righteously fuck off. That last part may have been ad-libbed but it fits within the context. Who was this bitch? Madonna. For real. Sources are reliable on this one and Madonna has forever lost her shot so far as Ellis is concerned and whether she knows it or not. No, there shouldn’t be texting during movies because the movies exist to untether you from life for a while and immerse you in another reality and the whole effect is ruined if you won’t let yourself be untethered! Duh!

Wrapping up the show is the Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge featuring Tully lining them up and Katie knocking them down. They are up to doing 4 reps of each exercise and Tully performs them with great form sans microphone before we are treated to Katie’s heavy breathing sextacular workout. Katie has always been hot. Hearing her moan as she exercises is mind blowing. And in case you were wondering, her face looks exactly the same as it does sometimes, according to Ellis. And we all know what he’s talking about.

Now…OFF TO ELLISMANIA 9!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today (some of which you may have heard from That Guy Dan already)

If your boss punches you it’s perfectly alright for you to blast him back

Ellis is hard on Vanessa because he wants her to be successful

Your ass doesn’t throbwith pain from being licked- but it might from being kicked

Tully left Ellis because he was still young and free enough to try new things and didn’t want to be the producer

10 years from now Ellis might be sporting either an eye patch or a golden eyeball

When Tully’s wife is away his life is all about Doritos and Parliments

Oregen is like Washington State with a stick up its ass

Tully has never been able to touch his toes

Ligaments, Tendons, and Muscles are not the same things

Tully doesn’t like hearing his farts

Ellis likes hearing his own farts

Flap the lip, get the whip

Your girlfriend might be stupid if she doesn’t turn her phone off at the movies

Great movies are today’s collective religious experience

Katie has bursts of cunt

Ellis won’t celebrate his divorce by getting married later that day

Not every butt gets a sticker, but every butt will be judged.

HAVE FUN at Ellismania 9 to all who are going!!!! Be ridiculous! Safe travels! Take lots of pictures and make all of us who can’t be there insanely jealous and guarantee that we’ll be there next year!!!!!!