Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/6/14

Holy fuck, I was so wrapped up in giving the show ideas for the wheel of doom, I almost forgot it was my day to shit all over the keyboard and call it art… I mean, RECAP THE JASON ELLIS SHOW!!!! Hey dude-bros and chick-bitches, how’s it goin’? Good? Shut up, I don’t care, cause it’s time for the Wing to break us off some good times to enjoy our respective lunches/drives home to. The show started with a new sound drop from the movie Red Dragon, cause it just needs to be. Also Jude was in studio, and since that’s never a bad time, well then good on ya. The guys talked movies for a quick minute, mostly cause Jude didn’t know about Red Dragon and all the sequels/prequels of the silence of the lambs franchise. Jason wondered if Jodie Foster is one of those lesbians that goes all natural or if she shaves her ass hair, and after some discussion, it was determined that she probably keeps it as clean as all of Southern California. Jude has a habit of dunking ladies faces in his armpit when he’s plowing them so that they get a good whiff of pheremones and remember the experience the next time they cum. Also, Italian guys have been known to wipe a handkerchief under their balls then wear it in their front pocket, as a way of attracting the opposite (or same, cause y’know, Europe) sex. It all revolves around making sure you know how to approach the subject of stank with your loved ones. Some people can take a little constructive criticism, but other people need to be told that you can’t afford to reupholster the couch every time you guys have company just so you’ll stop getting letters from the city about the biohazard living under your roof. This brought the conversation aroound to how everybody’s balls have a different scent, very similar to that of hairless cats, but just as unique as every snowflake. But it could never trump the theoretical horrors that could be lurking in every vagina. Jude told some stories about ladies that he banged, and I kind of missed most of it cause there was pizza in front of me that I had to start processing into poo, but there was banter and it was good. This all stopped for a minute when Tully announced that one of his wife’s friends listens to the show, so let’s keep it clean and not bring up vaginal disgustingness. But fuck all that, cause before Jude runs off, it’s time for Ellis Jeopardy! And some apologies from Jude to Cumtard for staring deep into his girlfriend’s holes on his show yesterday, he didn’t realize it was already claimed. That said, the guys got jeopardy underway and it was hilarious as always cause of Jason’s odd, disjointed descriptions of things, and the hilarious buzzers that each of the contestants get. Jude won, surprisingly enough, but that didn’t deflect from the guys talking about Cumtard’s girlfriend and the Foreally show, which I have listened to every episode of and it is fucking hilarious. The guys talked for a bit about holistic healers and animal whisperers and I can just bisect all of this and tell you that I was hanging out drinking with a “psychic” while she was off the clock, and she admitted that it really is a load of shit. Jason keeps having problems with his Porsche picking up nails in the tires and Porsche trying to sell him new tires like he’s got liquid rubber spilling out of his dick. Let’s all stew on that mental image and listen to a little target practice.

 

So, have you ever taken your kids to the circus? I went years ago, but that’s back when the animals got legitimately beaten and they didn’t have all these obnoxious French people doing synchronized trapeze or some shit. But anyways, the reason this was brought up is because Tully found a video of a bunch of acrobats basically getting dick slapped by Jesus from high up on top of the American Flag while he was polishing off a Big Mac. That’s what you get for doing away with the bearded lady shooting ping pong balls out of her vag. Jason and Tully talked for a while about the best look for a bearded lady, which got a little too complicated for a whole bunch of talk about someone you’re not gonna be trying to wife up. Jason was checking out a house that he might be buying, and him and Katie noticed that the real estate agent had the most ridonkulous booty that either of them had ever seen on such a short, skinny lady. Jason started talking about a movie he saw about some guy who started a cult and got all his followers to commit suicide, much like Jonestown. This prompted the guys to start talking about how to make a really bitchin’ cult that wouldn’t necessarily have to be all about killing yourself or cutting your nuts off so the head of it will let you stay married to your significant other. The guys took some phone calls about cults and how they’re really fucked up and you should avoid them at all costs, especially the ones with lots of members…like Christianity. And then there was some talk about post WW2 economic prosperity and pimps and the later parts of the industrial revolution, it was kind of hard to string together cause work was really slow and that pizza had me falling asleep at my desk (hey, it takes a lot of energy to turn pizza into poo). But it all came around to how the baby boomers were the first generation to be just entitled enough to think they had it made by not conforming and it was a colossal failure cause hippies are stupid, and the next generation which brought punk rock with it were kind of the same, only a lot more nihilistic and anti-everything than pro-everything. Hardcore didn’t like that analogy, and I think Tully might be missing a certain amount of historical context of some of those things, but he brought it all together with the talk they were having about cults and how it’s basically people who have it pretty good who now have the free time to try new shit and cults are just big groups of people on the same wavelength at the same time. Namely, that they should become eunuchs and sell their children for sex to their benevolent leader and then partake in a mass suicide to secure their place on the ass end of an intergalactic semen. However, there’s money and sweet ass orgies to be had in a cult, so Jason and Tully kicked around the idea of starting their own, complete with pole dancing and any kind of wheeled machine that runs on nitromethane that is available for public purchase. There were some phone calls about cults and people who know cult members and such, and it sounds like cults are fucking shitty. Except for all those guys who were walking around with rolls of quarters in their socks, getting ready to go all Charles Bronson on some fuckin’ aliens and joyride a space ship all the way to your anus (not a typo). There were some more phone calls about cults, and Jason is very happy with some beanie that Tully had made for him that sticks to his head like a fresh sheet of grip tape when he hasn’t shaved his dome for a few days. Long story short, let’s just pray to Monster Energy and go skate and destroy. It seems like a much simpler happier way to live. We’ll even let the longboard guys come hang out, cause shredding a pool isn’t for everybody, some people just gotta bomb hills, and there doesn’t have to be any malice between them. Tully floated the idea for a new reality show that would pit the best of the best of your hillbilly militias versus an army special forces unit and see who can win a full force game of paintball. Jason played some bizarre sound effect he had found on YouTube as a way to try and get callers to guess so they could win some free shit, and I can only describe this sound as something similar to your average cartoon vulture fucking your average cartoon elephant, but in fact it was two lynx talking to eachother. Who knew? So, with that out of the way, the guys got back to talking about kicking a bitch in the cunt, in the form of song, and we all took a few minutes to collect ourselves for what would be next.

 

The guys came back and decided it would be a good idea tp introduce themselves properly and respectfully to the newest subscribers of faction, and they did so by playing audio of Jim Jones preaching to his congregation of insane followers. Let’s just say, if it was in German, it would have sounded really similar to another guy from sometime in, oh, I don’t know, the 1930s. Luckily Charles Manson never had that particular silver tongue, he just had to invite people over for orgies with chicks who had crazy STD’s, which in it’s own way is probably the single greatest weapon ever developed. It would seriously minimize a lot of civilian deaths and debilitate a population. Cumtard bought balloons for his girlfriend, so the guys had to take a few minutes to discuss how this is probably the most dateable he’s ever gonna be, so he better make the best of it and get all he can out of the lady he’s smashing right now. Cumtard shat in the hat (poet and I didn’t know it) to get his sample off to the doctor so that they could figure out what the fuck is wrong with him, other than the fact that he’s in his thirties and still watches the original Ninja Turtles and poops in a plastic fireman’s hat to send it to a doctor because he has diarrhea for weeks at a time. The guys couldn’t help but talk about feces for a while after this, cause you really can make all the jokes in the world somehow come back to the topic of bodily waste. In the midst of this, it was discovered that someone rearranged the buttons and the Cumtard butt-chugging buttons were removed, for no clear reason at all, and a witch hunt would need to be performed to find them. In honor of Kevin making his first solid horse chips in several weeks, the guys decided to make him put on a shock collar and huff a bunch of helium to produce some interesting new screams. He also sang his signature tune “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH FUCK!!!!! Sk8r BoiAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! AAAAHHHHHOOOOOOWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” and the townspeople rejoiced. He also did a pretty awesome rendition of “Mother” by Danzig, and the guys put it in the works to have “electric helium guy” be a permanent contestant on the dating game, should they ever decide to do it again. Then Cumtard did an electric helium rendition of “Hits from the bong” by Cypress Hill, and if B-Real heard it, he would laugh, and then probably kick him in the dick just one time, on principle. Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, the guys put out a call for suggestions for new things to put on the wheel of doom, and they discussed some of the better suggestions, like getting a “YOLO” tattoo in henna somewhere really visible, like the forehead. There was also drinking coffee that was made with Cumtard’s underwear as a filter, chewing a flavored condom and blowing a bubble, eat anchovies while listening to Bon Jovi, make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with your dick then eat it, get blindfolded and try to ID everyone’s feet by their own particular stank, memorize the lyrics to a Coldplay song then sing it, Bengay your armpits, toilet spelunking, and many others that didn’t get mentioned cause the guys have stuff to do, like MMA news! Junior Dos Santos fucked up his hand and won’t be able to fight in his next bout, so the main event just got a lot lamer for whatever was gonna be happening in Brazil. There was some more drama about this event from the previous main event between Chael Sonnen and Wanderlei Silva, but it’s kind of up in the air what all the details are, so we’ll just skip that until all the facts come in. Plus, I wasn’t paying that close attention and may have gotten one or more of those names wrong. There was more talk about The Ultimate Fighter and whether or not they may be in China, or Brazil, and whether Chung Li or Blanka may be competing in the next season. In better news though, Vitor Belfort is gonna replace testosterone therapy with prayer, cause really, when has that not ever solved any of the world’s problems? The guys kicked around the idea for a cheater league of MMA fighters that would all be on TRT or roids or crystal meth, and I think that would be awesome, like bumfights but it’s people with money. They talked boxing for a while too, cause there was that Mayweather fight this weekend, and that was apparently a big deal to a lot of folks. The guys watched a video of what allegedly happened to Wanderlei Silva in Brazil that might have caused his back injury that took him out of that one fight, and from the outside looking in, I could certainly believe that it’s a lot of drama I wouldn’t want to be a part of.

 

SCIENCE!!! It keeps telling us important shit that some people refuse to believe, because they don’t grasp the concept that just because they don’t like something doesn’t mean that it’s not an absolute proven fact. But in this particular case, what science has found is that there’s an insect where the lady has a penis and the man has a vagina, and they moved to the Castro District of San Francisco and opened a really gay donut shop that has great krullers, but you will have to try and evade a guy in short shorts and roller skates trying to get your number. This brought up the question of what if this was the way it was all across humanity, and it might be cool for a “Freaky Friday” kind of movie, but it would probably get old, or weird, in a relatively short amount of time, cause if there’s one thing Craigslist has taught me, it’s that people are getting really restless when it comes to new things to try sexually. Of course, the question had to come up, what would porn be like if the organs were reversed? Would guys want to see ladies with 19 inch inverted uteri? Or would we want something a little more reasonable, like ladies generally do? And would guys get PMS? Would we lose the ability to parallel park and get ready to leave the house in five minutes or less? What about that whole “$0.70 on the dollar” thing that’s been keeping me from starving to death for the last 12 years? Would the “Women, Am I Right?” segment all of a sudden become way less interesting cause guys are the ones flipping out and throwing shovels at people? Would “The View” turn from a morning stitch and bitch into a sensible news program? WOULD THE WORD BITCH STILL RETAIN IT’S WONDERFUL ENTERTAINING DEFINITION IN THE MIRRIAM-WEBSTER ENGLISH DICTIONARY?!?!!?!!?! Tully is definitely more concerned about this than anybody, cause Linsanity has recently started having bad dreams and being scared of the dark, to which I would advise him to play Iron Maiden’s “Fear Of The Dark” over and over and over until Linsanity learns to enjoy the darkness, cause it’s necessary for Satanic rituals and criminal activity. Some parents got ornery with a flight attendant cause she was trying to get their daughter, who was getting pounded out in the bathroom, to calm down cause other people couldn’t hear the in flight safety instructions. But hey, what would have happened if she was the one with the dick smashing out some guys man-vag? WOULD THE PARENTS HAVE EVEN GOTTEN INVOLVED?!?!?!?! IT AIN’T THEIR DAUGHTER GETTING BROKE OPEN IN AN AIRPLANE LAVATORY!!! It’s a question that we’ll probably never get an answer to. The guys talked about the new cast of Star Wars for a bit, and how Yoda may have been a supreme Jedi master, but the force couldn’t fix his legs, so maybe it’s not as all powerful as James Earl Jones would like us to believe. The guys were gonna try and skype with some folks, but skype is a dishonest cunt and the production budget of the Jason Ellis Show can’t be stretched far enough to have a permanent IT guy. There were some final calls and stuff, and with Hardcore on the phones, we were able to weed out a lot of the shit that would normally get through and make Jason want to rip the phone out of the wall. Don’t forget, if you want to be in the biggest loser fight at EM10, you’re running out of time to become a big fat fuck and then lose the weight, so get on a philly cheese steak milk shake and start using lard in your morning coffee.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers.

The Jason Ellis Show Target Practice Number 4

He’s back, @CassetteCoast returns for another “Unsigned Bands” segment with his fourth installment of “The Jason Ellis Show Target Practice” and once again, he did not disappoint. Somehow he keeps one-upping himself, and this time he combined his as always slick & murderous lyrical style with some shoutouts to EllisFam! Seriously. This guy is fucking good. We’re talking like, Lil Wayne should be his gardener good. Don’t believe me? Listen and you be the judge.


Download (link to MP3)


Update #1: HE WON! His track will be in rotation next week on Faction! Congratulations Coast!

Update #2:
Here’s Jason & Tully listening live to Coast’s track.
Side note: Once again, Ellis hates hearing me mentioned. But he can’t stop it. Which as everyone knows, means he loves me. Around the 3:09 mark.


Download (link to MP3)


Lyrics
-You already know what time it is whenever Coast gets to flowing on some Unsigned Bands shit
-who the fuck y’all playing with?
-you aint play my shit the last time out of fear of somebody getting their pussy hurt
-I aint gon’ lie, it could occur
-who’s the first one to get this ass whoopin Kevin Kraft looking
-like the perfect candidate to get decapitated
-actually wait, let me sharpen up this razor blade
-give your neck a taper fade hoe
-Who let that trailer park trash broadcast that old soft ass podcast
-get up off that and go tard that tune bitch that’s all you’re hard at
-and we all laugh at your salty ass you’re a Saltine with fromunda cheese
-that mean that cracker foul now open your mouth and get some of that onion ring
-that’s a metaphor for that bitches butthole to be polite I’ll say Alexa’s pooper
-I wanna welcome y’all to the legal fuck show the home of lardvarks and ice cream scooper
-speaking of that go straight to HateBean the man that may seem to daze and daydream
-bout making baked beans that glaze his face seeing as all day long he can lick a plate clean
-the country boy with the angry lanyard he’s Alabamas Miranda Lambert
-no “fwampa fwampa” for Will Pendarvis just play the beat and he’ll go the hardest
-he can talk the talk and he can walk the walk but he’s sad as fuck on the low
-don’t cross Pendarvis he’ll call the boss up to pull the plug on the show
-oh now Michael Tully said a billion dollars ain’t enough to let go of the China boy
-and I was bout to offer like 30 dollars and a Beloved shirt with a dinosaur.
-I’ma find a cure for your sarcasm if it’s the last thing that I do
-the only thing more faggy than the way you be acting is a Castaway tattoo
-ooh kill em gotdamnit I’m feelin myself got a feelin I’m fitna win Unsigned Bands
-I’m the one man band that’s representing EllisFam that goes ham when you play my jam
-and I’m qualified to be death death die but Tyler Posey gotta step aside
-I’ll hit a retard with a keytar like a tee ball knock his teeth off then I check the mic
-I know Jase Cakes better back the fuck up I’m Mexican I got a switchblade
-and I’ll cut a hole for James Hepfield to stick his dick DEEP in the ribcage
-I been contemplating if Thomas Haydens kinda fond of gay men from Hollywood
-and if he told you suck his dick for that car man I aint saying you did it but you probably would
-On instagram you get a temper tantrum when kids be acting like trolls
-but it just so happens its a good old fashioned “What the fuck is wrong with your nose?” reaction
-I’m playin dog I love this show O & A nigga fuck them hoes
-You red dragons I’m red flaggin you can hit me up and I’ma rep for Faction
-like BitPimps Twisted Trucker Mike in Canada Shark Chucker
-Shit Tobogan and Wolf Kisser Shantanee whats good with ya
-Arizona Red Dragon too Stapleneck mane what it do
-Truk Norris and Little Miss Ellis Wayne the Pitt and the rest of y’all fellas
-matter of fact Cracker Stacker Twisted Metal Fab thats the last
-of my name drops but y’all all great and this flow was sponsored by ALLSTATE.


Bonus:
Missed the first 3 Target Practice tracks? Here’s all of them!


Show Recap for Thursday 2/13/2014

Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show where Jason’s brain may be falling out of the side of his ear. Probably. Maybe. Maybe not. For the record, Tully thinks he sounds fine and normal, so maybe this is all just a false alarm and Jason’s brain is still fully attached to the inside of his head. Even though brains are sort of floaty and only attached by the brainstem and some flimsy membranes. But whatever. It’s probably still in there. Ellis has been playing a game on his phone but he has finished all of the levels and completely owned it because he’s awesome (seriously, there are two books about just how awesome he is) but he is wanting some more levels from it because no, he doesn’t want to get another game. It’s a racing game. Mad skills. Something like that. I dunno…I don’t play phone games and I tried this new thing today where I tried to listen to the show without pressing the pause button because that’s what seems to fuck up my app for SiriusXM and I therefore took about a quarter of the notes that I usually do and most of this is pure recall mixed in with the profanity that I spew while driving all day long. Tully plays a video game on his Wii and it’s Mario Kart and he seems to think that says something negative about him, but fuck that, because if you’re going to own a Nintendo and you’re mostly only playing one game…that game should be Mario Kart. He plays Mario Kart online a lot because it’s more of a challenge, but it’s also eye opening because he mostly plays against 7 year olds from Japan and there are a lot of them that he can’t beat. Some callers call about Ellis playing his phone game and he should play online because that’s how you unlock more boards, but there is one guy who says not to play online because it’s a bunch of 15 year olds talking shit to get you riled up. Ellis likes that there would be 15 year olds talking shit to him because he thinks that a 15 year old talking legitimate shit would be hilarious.

In other news, Ellis isn’t feeling too hot and he might be dying, but probably not, but his doctor should be calling him at some point today to let him know if he is dying and if he is what he could do. Tully is kind of also not on top of his game because he had some cocktails last night to fight a bout of mini insomnia and he feels bad about it because he had decided to quit drinking during the week and if he cheats he thinks it throws all of the good away. But he wasn’t sad drinking, he was delighted while he was drinking because if you’re going to go for something, then you may as well go all in. Ellis doesn’t have the kiddies this weekend, which is probably a good thing since he isn’t feeling too on top of his game, but it is Devin’s birthday this weekend and there is going to be a party. Ellis isn’t too clear on the party details, but he’s going even if he isn’t invited, because he’s the Daddy and the Daddy is always invited. He has to go shopping for her present tomorrow night and while from the outside it seems like it should be easy, but Ellis says that it can be kind of hard because she’s young and young kids see too many commercials and want stupid shit. I think it’s safe to say that she is not going to get rollerblades or Heely’s. Just saying. Ellis thinks that he is going to get her a new present and also do her room up a little bit because he just re-did Tiggie’s room and he thinks that Devin would like some new stuff to hang on her walls other than a giant painting by Grant Cobb. I think he’s right about that considering that one-she is a girl and girls love changing shit around randomly (I know because I am one and my friends and I used to reorganize and redecorate our rooms on a weekly basis for fun because girls are batshit insane and half lame when we’re growing up), and two- she did a mini revamp of her room by herself and moved her bed around all weird.

The show somehow segued into talking about being bald, hair loss, hair transplants, wigs, man wigs, and which celebrities have fake hair. The celebs that they talk about that Tully and Ellis believe have fake hair are John Travolta, Bruce Jenner, David Spade, Steven Segal, Nikki Six, and Tom Brady. They all have really good fake hair except for Bruce Jenner who has two separate hair lines and it’s so bad that even Tully can tell, and he admittedly is not the best at pointing out people who have had help in the hair department. Ellis thinks that it would be cool to have really good fake hair and he would like to have it for a week or so at a time so long as it looked good. He would be good advertising for a hair replacement place because, as Tully says, Ellis is the kind of guy who would admit that he has fake hair and tell everyone where he got it done. But, on the flip side of that, if Ellis got fake hair from somewhere and it didn’t live up to his expectations he would probably blast the shit out of it and no one would ever want to go to that hair place again. There are a bunch of callers who talk about being bald, their bald friends, and the places that they went to get fake hair, and a lady calls who used to attach the really good hair pieces to people for a living and she said they use wood glue which sounds super weird to me. Want my opinion? If you are losing your hair, just bic that shit, guys with no hair are fucking hot as hell and if you keep it tight I might ask to lick your head.

Back from the break Tully lets us know that a man in Northern England mysteriously lost his penis near a rest stop and the police shit down the highway to do a ‘fingertip search’ of the area while trying to find this poor guys schlong. Why is this mysterious? Well, we don’t know how the guy lost his dick (unfriendly rest stop glory hole, mayhaps?), and the cops (Or Bobbies as they are called in England and I wanted to be able to call them Bobbies) will neither confirm nor deny that they have found the missing member. Poor guy. Or not. The poor guy is in a medically induced coma and most likely is not aware that he is still missing his penis. Ellis agrees with the decision to put the guy on ice, because if he had his cock chopped off he for sure would want to be put on ice because what is the point of living without your cock??!?!?!?!?!?!?! I sure as hell don’t know the answer to that because I don’t have one…and I can’t exactly lose my vagina because it’s a hole. Boom. Advantage female gonads. Add that to the list of being way more discrete when aroused and being more fun to play with!

There is no good way to go from talking about chopped off cocks to Rob Dyrdek, so, let’s just start talking to Rob! There’s no more Fantasy Factory, ladies and gentleman. It’s over. Not really because there was one more new episode on tonight, but it’s already happened even though it hadn’t happened yet when they were talking about it, and we all know that Fantasy Factory will live on forever in the land of replays on MTV and MTV2. The interview with Rob was really good and really long and I took about 5 lines worth of notes so I will not be doing it justice and I highly recommend trying to catch the interview on the replay in the morning, or download and listen to it on demand. But anyway, although there will be no more new Fantasy Factory, Rob has a new show of some sort on Fox Sports One involving street skating and it seems to me to be a competition, legitimate sports show that will be an ongoing thing as opposed to a Fantasy Factory/Ridiculousness venture, but it’s awesome that it’s going to be on Fox Sports One because that’s a big deal. Apparently, while all of this was in the works Rob made a call to Dana White (you know, the UFC guy) and asked him to put in a good word for him over at FS1 to which Dana White responded, “Fuck yeah! I’ll call you right back,” and then called him right back and said, “you’re good”. Must be fantastic to have that powerhouse of a fucking human being backing you. Ellis should call Dana White and see if he can get on tv because it’s really only one phone call away. All kidding aside, Rob Dyrdek himself is a powerhouse of a fucking human being who has a great mind for business and branding and is obsessed with his career and may never get married. Wait, what? Ellis asked Rob if he has a girlfriend, which he does not, as he has broken up with the girlfriend pictured on his instagram. Or maybe she broke up with him once she realized that he wasn’t going to marry her. He may never get married because he’s going the Clooney route and is super focused on his career and is not in a rush to settle down with someone because he is not normal. I’m not calling him not normal or abnormal, he called himself that, and frankly, marriage isn’t for everyone and I don’t think that finding marriage less than desirable is all that abnormal. Especially for a rich guy. If shit doesn’t work out with a girl and you’re rich and married, half of your hard earned fucking money goes to her because she agreed to fuck you and then probably stopped fucking you. A man like Dyrdek has a lot on the line for bullshit like that. The other problem may also be that he isn’t dating the right girl because Ellis points out that he tends to date dime pieces who, although super hot, probably don’t match him on an intellectual level. Rob agrees that the perfect girl for him would be a smart girl who is also a dime piece (sorry, I’m taken) and maybe one day he will get married, but maybe not. They talk about Ellis and Wolfknives and getting shit in order and how Ellis could be so much bigger than he already is, but he might want to look into getting a business partner and surrounding himself with more business minded people who can help to execute the awesome ideas that Ellis has. Rob also had a lot of nice things to say about the Crypt Keeper, who also goes by Larry King, saying that he had a deep interview with him and Larry King is a genius. However, he did mention that some time after the interview he did with Larry King they ran into each other at a restaurant and King introduced him as a ‘big snowboarder’. SMH. Even I know that he’s a skateboarder and to be honest, the only other skateboarder I can name is Tony Hawk. They talk a bit about being famous and getting hounded by fans and paparazzi, which doesn’t happen all that much to Rob because he manages to be a low key guy and he knows how to play the game and doesn’t show up at the places where papas are constantly standing watch for famous people to annoy. It also gets brought up that Rob was a huge designed for DC shoes, which I didn’t know but Hubbs did (he basically only wears DC’s), and I thought it was funny cause the Bub just got his first pair of DC’s. Those fucking things were more expensive somehow than the ones that Joe wears, which makes no sense to me because they’re about a fifth the size, but, whatever. But you know what? Rob Dyrdek is awesome, he’s a powerhouse, and if you want to believe that you can do anything, check out the empire that this guy built.

Back from the break there’s another guest in the studio and her name is Alyssa Sutherland and she is from the show that Ellis currently loves on the History Channel called Vikings. And…I dunno if it was just me, but this interview was super fucking awkward. Like. It was bad. Not the interview. The awkwardness. I don’t really think anyone gave Alyssa the heads up on what kind of show The Jason Ellis Show is, but she was pretty touchy about a lot of things. It fascinated me. Like, how did no one tell this bitch what this is all about? It’s like throwing a seal into a tank with a shark and telling the seal that it’s just another fish. Damn. Just…damn. Alyssa is an Aussie who won’t tell Ellis or Tully how old she is, and she used to be a model but is an actress now. She didn’t like being a model all that much because she said it was mind-numbing, but she really enjoys acting and doesn’t like discussing her personal life, which Ellis found out real quick when he asked her if she were single. *Hiss hiss* I don’t know…maybe I just don’t like her. Ellis talks a lot about how she’s super hot, but even manages to offend her with that, and…I really didn’t like her that much. There. I said it. She’s not my kind of girl. Maybe it’s her publicists fault. Maybe I’m reading into it too much. They manage to talk about the show she’s on a little bit, they talk about Vikings in real life, she doesn’t like cats, she used to be in gymnastics…yaddayadda. I can’t. I didn’t like her. Hubbs laughed a couple times, but he didn’t hear the first ten minutes or so of her being on…so I’m not going with him on this one. Ellis straight out called her touchy and Tully said she was being overly defensive…and I agree. She needs to roll with the punches a bit more and then she’ll probably go far. She ended the interview with him by saying, “Thanks for having me and asking weird questions.” Whatever, bitch.

Wrapping up the show there is some Hollywood News involving Rocky- The Musical. Ellis and Tully are not fans of musical theater. At all. They think it’s for old rich people who still think that’s a valid form of entertainment. And now I’m going to get all defensive. Who likes that shit? I like that shit. A lot. I know it’s geeky and dorky and ‘Oh God, you’re one of those‘ but I am a straight up Musical/Theater junkie. I would totally sign up for a life where people broke out into song and dance on a daily basis for next to no reason because THAT SHIT IS FUCKING AMAZING! I have showtunes on my ipod. I acted in them all throughout school as well as doing some outside productions, I have friends who majored in Musical Theater in college, are on Broadway (or Off-Broadway), and full on make a living out of it. Musicals are hands down the shit. And you know what? My daddy digs musicals and so far as I am concerned, he is the voice of God, so that’s all the proof I need that Musicals are next level amazeballs. Matthew McConnaughey talked to Snuffaluffagus (the Canadian Greek Dr. Drew) about how he came up with his ‘Alright, alright, alright’ catch phrase, and Ellis commented about how seeing actors as they really are ruin it for him, and they talk about how George Lopex told Ellen that he has quit drinking after passing out on the floor of a casino. Before you know it, it’s final calls, and people can’t talk on phones.

 

Things we learned on the show today:

Ellisfam Tom was on KCAL9 wearing a Death Death Die T-shirt

There’s something going on outside of the studio- lots of emergency vehicles

Weird Al’s parents died from Carbon Monoxide poisoning and that’s super sad

Any problem can be solved using Ellisfam Google

Cullen is a Bitter Baldy

CumTard is super pumped about his Rogaine shampoo

Rob Dyrdek is so amazing that Ellis even says it when he isn’t around

Rob Dyrdek is going to die at the age of 105 after being shot into space at 104 and hanging out there for a while

Rob Dyrdek is never going to be sold on getting a prostate exam. Ever.

Ellis used to want to achieve ‘paparazzi on his dick’ level fame, but is glad that he doesn’t have to deal with them

NYC turns you into a heartless, tunnel vision, asshole (allegedly)

Alyssa Sutherland was starstruck by Rob Dyrdek

There are creepy dudes in Tully’s neighborhood and his doors are seriously locked

Final caller is so right about Long Island, New York loving TJES (I know, cause that’s where I’m from, you go caller guy)

Final callers really suck still

If you’re going to cheat on your wife, get divorced, you’ll wind up being less of an asshole

Floyd Mayweather may have kidnapped and beaten some guys he thought stole jewelry from his house

Rich people are rich so they can ingest disgusting things like caviar and champagne

Kool Aid is way tastier than Champagne

 

So yeah…hopefully next week I’ll be back to taking notes because I’m not super happy about how this turned out. It may also be that I kind of am hating on Alyssa Sutherland. I don’t hate her, but I think I’m taking out some of my bad mood from yesterday on her. I’m sure she’s a lovely human being…but I would also really like to see a video of her getting blasted in the face by a potato during a food fight. Just sayin.

A Bitch’s Opinion on The Awesome Guide To Life

Here’s the deal- I’m a girl (woman/female/lady/bitch please feel free to use whichever, because I basically don’t care) and I am a listener of The Jason Ellis Show. I also write for the wonderful fansite, No You Are, which is where you’re reading this now- in case you got lost. I’ve been pretty excited for The Awesome Guide to Life to be released and I finished it in one sitting because I’m weird like that. I loved it. Straight up loved it- especially the end. If you haven’t gotten there yet, I don’t intend to spoil it for you, but I found it so uplifting. So motivating. But…I have a problem.

The problem I’m having is with the slew of negative reviews coming from my fellow females (and I’m personally cringing as I label them ‘fellows’ but genetics are what they are) which are centered solely around one chapter, “How To Be A Chick”. The derision is aimed at his referencing females as ‘girls’ as opposed to ‘women’, his opinion on how girls talk, how girls dress, how girls handle themselves, how girls handle dicks, you know…anything that he says about women in the space of 13 pages. I could quip, I could make fun of these reviewers for their bad jokes or misplaced defensiveness, or hate on them for the underhanded stabs they take at Ellis’ character without knowing a thing about him, but I’m trying to be the better person here, and I’m just going to give you my honest opinion instead.

First off- I’m not sure if any of these lady reviewers got the memo…but this book isn’t exactly supposed to be taken seriously. Or maybe I was the only one who got the memo and it was a prank to make me look bad, but…I laughed a lot reading this. I mean, yeah, I found this in the ‘Self-Improvement’ section of the bookstore, but everyone knows this is rather satirical, right? Yeah, the bare bones of the text are meant as a loose guide on how to live a better life, but it is not a literal suggestion of everything that you should do in life. Yes, there is a chapter on picking up strippers and prostitutes, but that chapter also says that it isn’t for everyone. Yes, there is a chapter on how to party which talks about taking drugs, but that chapter tells you that drugs are bad and dangerous and aren’t for everyone. Do I need to go on, or are you catching what I’m throwing?

Secondly- Jason Ellis is not hating on…anyone. Ugh…lie…he’s hating on people who are choosing to not live their life to the fullest. Yes, he makes comments about fat people being stupid, because it disappoints him that people become sedentary, become comfortable, and give up. No one’s yelling at the man for calling smokers disgusting. Why? Because smoking fucking kills you. Guess what? So does being obese. Ellis is urging readers to take better care of themselves, take responsibility for their health, and informing them that there is hope and a way to change. Don’t be a pile of shit- start jogging now. That reaction from the Houston Press Blogger really got me- she made a big deal of mentioning that she shouldn’t jog for cardiovascular health or for it feeling good but so she doesn’t turn into a bag of shit. And I’m over here like, “Yeah, well, jogging is good for your heart, good for stress, and all that…so it definitely sounds like it helps you to not be a bag of shit, now doesn’t it?”

Third- I’m sure that these reviews have been done with reactionary purposes in mind (to get people talking about their blog/website/etc) as they blatantly ignore or gloss over any of the irrefutable positive aspects of the book. But Jenni, how can there possibly be something positive in a book written by a chauvinist, ego-maniacal, homophobe? I hate you, if you really think that, but those are some of the words being used to describe the author, so I thought I’d throw them out there. This book spends a lot of time telling guys to not be dicks to ladies, to take responsibility for themselves, their relationships, to be good fathers and partners (even after a divorce, if it happens), and that you are in control of your life so you better do something good with it. He tells the readers that they can accomplish great things by putting in the time and effort, because he came from nothing. Nothing. He lived through terrible shit and didn’t throw himself a pity party…he made something out of himself, and he wants to tell people that if he can do it, so can they. Yeah, he’s a dick.

Now…How To Be A Chick. It’s the big hot button right now…and I don’t know what to really say about it. How about, you’re welcome ladies, for getting pure, unfiltered insight into the male mind? I don’t know if it’s because I love someone who expresses himself just as bluntly as Ellis tends to and I’m used to it, or if it’s because I am familiar with the concept of subtext, but I wasn’t offended in the least by this chapter. Again, it probably helps that I read the rest of the book where he talks about always being nice to women, leaving them love notes, buying them flowers because you love them and not because it’s Valentine’s day, and always being a gentleman, but I see no harm in him expressing to women that yeah, sex sells, but a guy would rather have a hint of cleavage then a full on nip-slip waiting to happen, that guys will notice your feet so keep that in mind around pedicure time, and yeah, you should probably take care of yourself if you want to live for a long time. He wrote one chapter on how to be a chick…he wrote the rest of the goddamn book about how not to be a shitbag, loser, guy who will never have sex. Ladies, we kind of got off easy here. And so far as him being a chauvinist, or a pig, or anti-feminist or whatever…how about this to think about- he said the same shit to us that he said to the men, treated us no different, and didn’t sugar coat it because we have boobies. He treated us equally. So stop bitching about it.

I listen to The Jason Ellis Show damn near every day. The show has helped me through some of the worst times in my adult life. I talk to hundreds, if not thousands, of fellow fans. He has helped people with drug addictions, with depression, with their weight- he genuinely wants people to be healthy and happy. He is a supporter of gay rights, a friend to many classes of people that most people of any notoriety tend to treat with kid gloves if not outright ignore them, and he thinks women are awesome, beautiful, and should be treated with the utmost respect. Okay, he is really rough around the edges- but, as he said himself- he was born with a kind heart. If you’re not in on the joke, take some time and listen to his radio show on SiriusXM. There’s a 30 day free trial on the website…you can listen to him for a month for free. Maybe actually go back and read the book, and the first one for that matter, and come back here and tell me your mind hasn’t been changed.

 

Hate me for my opinion? Feel free to tweet me @jennimazky on twitter.

 

 

Meeting My Man Crush- Diary of a Fangirl

This is the worst pic of me ever...but Hubbs and Jude are amazing

This is the worst pic of me ever…but Hubbs and Jude are amazing

It’s been a couple of days since I got to go to SiriusXM in Manhattan and hang out with Rude Jude and to be completely honest…I am still in complete superhappygiddysillybitch mode and am currently spending my days half spaced out reliving the entire experience. From declaring him my #mcm to finding out he was in The City (because that’s what we call it in New York- it’s The City, not New York City) to the DM sesh that held the invite of a lifetime to trudging through the gray slurpee (that’s all Jude btw) that Manhattan is in a snow storm, being on The All Out Show, and hanging with Jude and Hubbs afterward…it was one of the best nights of my life!! No exaggeration. I know of precious few other situations where I could have freezing, soaking wet feet for 8 hours and not even think about being cranky over it.

Where to begin?!?!?!?! In proper story-telling style, and in order to fill in the blanks for those of you who may have not been following the saga (wtf is wrong with you for not examining my life under a microscope, by the way), I will start from the beginning. I was born in 1987…just kidding, really bad joke, I know, but see above re: superhappygiddysillybitch mode.

I first realized I had a crush on Jude over the summer. I didn’t think of it as any big thing, because I like to think of myself as a grown up and everything…but then Jack the Cunt was premiered on TJES and I was basically done for. Or so I thought. Thennnn…I found out Mr. Jude Angelini penned a book by the name of Hyena, which I read (allegedly 4 times to date), and I was truly done for. I smile like an idiot every Tuesday when he is on the show, which makes Hubbs look at me like I am either slightly insane or acting more weird than usual. Imagine my glee when I got an email about NYA doing an interview with new author Rude Jude. I squealed, emailed everyone that I had a crush on him, and went to sleep hoping I would wake up with interview worthy questions. The following monday I bit the bullet and made him my Man Crush Monday on Instagram. He noticed. Then, about two weeks later, he was flying out to New York to do some promoting for Hyena, and that’s where the adventure really begins.

well...this is awkward

well…this is awkward

I nearly exploded last Monday when he told me that I was “more than welcome” to come by the show. That may not even accurately describe my reaction, but I’m trying to play it cool over here, which is something that I suck at. I talked it over with Hubbs, trying to see if it would be possible with work and all (people’s heat likes to break a lot when it snows…and then they get all twitchy about freezing to death) but we decided that, Fuck It, this isn’t something that happens every day and we were going to make it work. I told Jude that I would love to come, he told me that Hubbs was absolutely invited to hang as well, and we figured out the best day and time. I spent Monday through Wendesday night pestering Hubbs that we HAD to leave work EXACTLY on time because, of course, we were getting hit by a snow storm on Thursday and there was NO WAY we were going to be late. No. Way.

such a geek

such a geek

So, yeah…we were late. Super late. I spent the entire morning cursing every snow flake that fell (they weren’t even flakes…they were full on balls…snowman sized balls falling from the fucking sky), double checking the train schedule for delays (because driving to The City at that point was out of the question) and reminding Hubbs that we had to leave EXACTLY ON TIME!!!! I really don’t know how he puts up with my OCD sometimes- the man is a saint. We left work exactly on time.

I'm smiling like an idiot...and so is he (for him)

I’m smiling like an idiot…and so is he (for him)

But the train was delayed. And then it was converted into a local train instead of an express train. SiriusXM is only about 15 blocks from Penn Station, which is nothing, so we hauled ass through calf-deep puddles of dirty, slushy, frozen snow/water grossness and made it there in decent time. I was pretty sure that they wouldn’t let me in the building with my soaking wet feet, but they didn’t spend too much time looking at my feet. I think they were rather distracted by the giant bodyguard that I had along with me. SiriusXM is in a posh building that doesn’t boast the fact that there is a studio inside of it at all, and the lobby just has a handful of guards who stare daggers at you while you walk to the security desk. It was easier getting backstage in Carnegie Hall. They let us upstairs eventually, where we were waylaid by another guy behind a desk, but after some phone calls and DM’s and me checking the time about 7 thousand times, Jude came out to get us.

It. Was. Awesome. He said hi and we all shook hands and he led us back to Shade45’s studio, which is a glass walled high tech wonderdome ensconsed by a dark burgandy purplish curtain. We said hi to Lord Sear and Jude asked why we didn’t have New York accents since we were from New York, but seemed more satisfied that the more we talked the more he could hear it. Hubbs talked to Jude and Sear about the equipment while I sat in awe and wanted to pinch myself because, holy shit, this was really happening. He asked about how I got started with No You Are, and asked about my Filterlessness blog and thanked us for coming down. When it was time for them to get back on air Jude pushed my seat toward the mic pointed to the headphones and told me to “get ready”. I almost pissed myself. Secret time- I’m charming and fearless as fuck on social media, but I’m a fluffy bunny in real life. I don’t talk a lot in front of people I don’t know and I was about to go on air.

holy crap...nervous!!

holy crap…nervous!!

It was a whirlwind. It went so fast and so slow at the same time. We talked about No You Are, my blog, sex, how scary Hubbs looks, sex, sex, and more sex. Needless to say…my daddy will NEVER hear that audio. Ever. I didn’t even want to hear it because I hate the sound of my own voice. Off-air Jude talked about Hyena, about how he spends his days on Twitter and Instagram doing everything that he can to promote the shit out of it, and how he was going to hook up with a hot foreign porn chick later that night. Awesome.

After the show ended he asked what we were up to, if we were gonna hang around in The City at all, and recommended that if we wanted a good Italian spot for dinner we should check out the Olive Garden. Apparently, he loves that joke. We told him we were gonna hang around and have some fun because, why not, and he said he’d walk around with us for a while. First he took us to see Cullen, but Cullen wasn’t there anymore, and Jude told Hubbs to sit in his seat and take a picture to send to him.

Hubbs at Cullen's desk

Hubbs at Cullen’s desk

We laughed about it and I pointed out a rad RDS sticker on the side of his desk, which made Jude ask, “What’s with the Red Dragons thing?” Hubbs told him to ask Ellis, but Jude thought it was disrespectful that he didn’t know anything about it. And he hasn’t read ‘I’m Awesome’. Hubbs explained the whole ‘Red Dragons thing’ and…I didn’t talk much. I think I had my fill on the air. Hubbs, however, didn’t want to be on air all that much, but is a social butterfly so while we walked through Manhattan he and Jude talked about his voice “It’s from smoking too many cigarettes and acid reflux”, riding crotch rockets (Jude doesn’t but Hubbs was trying to convince him to try it out), the gray slurpee that the streets were, promoting Hyena, Ellisfam, how Hubbs and I met and how long we’ve been together, the Bub, everything. Jude talked about deciding to self publish because he didn’t want his book to be changed due to its content in order to please a big publisher and I actually chimed in to say that overall it was a smart idea because publishers care about marketability and a books ability to sell, and with Hyena selling out three times so far on Amazon he’s proving that he has selling power. It then occurred to Jude to ask why we hadn’t brought a copy of Hyena to be signed by him…and well…we hadn’t received our Valentine’s editions (because we ordered 2 so we didn’t have to share- can you feel the love?) and because I’m slightly moronic when I’m a bag of nerves and when I was cleaning out my bag before catching the train I left Hyena in the truck. But, for me, I just have a good reason to bug him in the future. Oh, by the way, if you follow Hyena and Jude as closely as I do, you may know that there were supposed to be three new stories in the Valentine’s Edition and they aren’t there. Jude told me when I said we had ordered the V-day copies because I was excited for the new stories that there were some technical difficulties and he wasn’t able to upload them, which is sad, but…honestly…I’m a writer (I want nothing more in life than to achieve some measure of writing success) and buying two more copies of a book that I already own to support another writer is nbd to me.

Jude for President

Jude for President

We parted ways with Jude downtown after Hubbs gave him a couple ideas of places to go with the chick he was meeting. Jude and Hubbs did that bro hug thing where you’re shaking hands, hi-fiving, and hugging all at once (and I’ll never understand it…just hug…no homo) and Jude gave me a hug and we all told each other that meeting each other was awesome. It still seems crazy how excited Jude really seemed to meet Hubbs and I, and the whole night and experience has left me with the impression that, like Ellis, he is a man who cares about his fans and is truly thankful for them. He even told me that he doesn’t hate on his Instagram doppleganger- so long as that motherfucker promotes Hyena. He loves Ellis, he loves Ellisfam, and he gave Hubbs a night that we will never forget.

So Blurry...sorrynotsorry

So Blurry…sorrynotsorry

Hubbs and I stayed in The City for a few hours afterward, and I won’t bore you with the details because…yeesh…this was long…but I will tell you that when we went to dinner at a wonderful hole in the wall restaurant known only as ‘BBQ- The Original’ the people at the table next to us were talking about the All Out Show. Boom.

Big thanks to Rude Jude and Lord Sear for the good time!!!! It was amazing!!!

 

P.S. At least this nonsense went over sooooooooo much better than when I met Ellis a couple of years ago. My brobro was kind enough to remind me of that meeting yesterday (which is necessary since I was mostly too drunk to remember that Ellis humped me for a full half-minute before I realized it was him…only to turn and say I had thought he was Hubbs…and omg your show is awesome and I love Joe)