Show Recap for Wednesday 1/21/15

I’m sorry to report that the previous mid-week recap writer is no longer, umm…available. But you can relax because bitPimps has sent the Wolf…and I solve problems.  As such, welcome to the inaugural edition of Wolfkisser Wednesday.

NYAwolf Now strip down and let me spray you with my hose so we can get started. (Spoiler Alert: That’s also how it will end)  Continue reading

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Show re-cap for Tuesday 11/25/2014

Jason Ellis is him, not you, and he knows that because he is him and you may not be quite knowing of that because you are you and may kind of want to be him, and you know what, he can only be happy as he is him and as he is him in certain pants. Am I right, ladies and gentleman? Boom. Big Daddy Jayce Cakes knows the pants that he’s happy in and he knows there are people that are happy in pants that are unlike his happy pants but that’s because society and life shapes us all into the types of pants that we like and that become our happy pants. So you, over there, be happy in your constant sweatpants because those are your happy pants and I will be over hear in my skinny jeans because these are my happy pants. I am not a person who wears sweatpants in public…sweatpants are not my happy pants. My ass is not fabulous and lusciously defined in sweatpants like they are in skinny jeans. But, we’re not really gonna talk about me and my fucking amazing ass, because Ellis isn’t talking about my ass (no matter how much he should be).  Tully is totally on board with what Ellis is saying about happy pants and extends it further to include hoodies because Tully Continue reading

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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/22/14

YA MISS ME FUCKERS?!??!!?! CAUSE I DIDN’T SEE ANY MENTION THAT IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY LAST WEDNESDAY!!! OR THAT I SUCCESSFULLY LANDED AN OLLIE BEFORE I TURNED THIRTY CAUSE I’M A FUCKING AGING NEVER-WAS SKATEBOARDER!!! DID YOU FORGET I WORKED HERE TOO??!?!?! TAKE MY DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND ANSWER ME YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!!

 

Just kidding folks, you can keep talking with the dick in your mouth. I think it’s adorable.

 

Anyways, hello and thanks for visiting, I was off last week to spend some time with my family as a birthday present from my fantastic girlfriend who insisted I go on a fun trip before I come to Canada to spray my DNA all over her for the rest of time. I did a lot of walking around in Seattle and bought a fuckload of comics, and saw the new Planet of The Apes movie, which fully reinforces Jason Ellis’ belief that monkeys will one day conquer us, and if we treat them with a bit of dignity, they may not enslave us like that one time when Charlton Heston went to the future and found out that Soylent Green is made of humans. But enough about me, cause I’m here to recap the Jason Ellis show!!! Today kicked off with a whole lot of music cause I guess there was some fire that needed to be put out or that pesky sentient flying scrap of paper from the other day was back and required gawking or some such shit, but then the guys came on and started talking about how Jason was late cause he was coming from the Fighter and the Kid podcast with Bryan Callen and Brendan Schaub, and that was a fun start to the day. What wasn’t a fun start to the day was driving in early morning LA traffic and having to deal with Los Angeleans who think they’re more important than everyone else and are allowed by the State Of California to legally operate multiple tonnage of mechanical equipment in public. A FedEx truck side swiped the Wing and spun out his truck and kept on rolling cause FedEx is a shitty organization and I’ve gotten more shipments late, damaged or missing from them than any other company, so it would make sense that their truckers are also incompetent and have no common courtesy like stopping when you might have killed somebody. The truck is pretty fucked too, whole bed side, the way Ellis tells it. There’s lots of construction going on too, so that’s slowing down traffic and reducing motorist IQ points at a staggering rate, so you can’t hold Jason completely responsible for being a few minutes behind. On the plus side though, Los Angeles is so fucked up pavement-wise that the world of Mad Max may come true in Southern California very soon! Rude Jude stopped in to hang out for a bit and rehash his experience kneeing the punch pad and sucking at it. There was some talk of how Frank DeCaro may be a middle aged gay Italian, but the Romans were conquering all kinds of shit with folks like him leading the way generation after generation, just look at Catholicism!!! The boys did a bit of jaw-jacking about the trucker incident this morning and how the guy was probably so desperate to keep his job that he was hoping nobody got the license plate so he wouldn’t get reported. This got us into the topic of snitching cause sometimes it’s the right thing to do, but you can be a dick like Tully was in elementary school and snitched on a kid for eating Doritos in the bathroom. Ellis fired off some ideas at Jude about what to do with his now fucked up Dodge Ram, and most of them were just ghetto enough for a younger Jude to appreciate, but not so much for the new improved well-groomed designer drug aficionado Jude. One idea that Jude could get behind though, is the sprint-slow-down workout that Ellis suggested to him a little while ago, and it was some rough shit for McDuder, but he pulled it off. Jude has noticed that as he’s getting older it’s getting a bit harder to bust a nut, but he found some herbal cock pills that are doing the trick splendidly. The guys discussed frontier medicine for letting loose a shot of jizz and how when Tully’s old, he’s gonna relish having a load that takes forever so he can laugh maniacally at his wife for being done before he is. There were some stories about extreme/premature ejaculation and how grown up ladies in Australia have no qualms about banging high school boys and feeding them and letting six unchecked loads in a row from the same penis land in their ovaries. One time, Jason banged a lady and she started crying after the fact, but being the guy he was back then, he just left. Jude on the other hand, loves it when a girl starts crying and will fuck them again, or for the first time, depending on the situation. This led to talk about “what the fuck is it with you emotional bitches always crying about shit, it’s only some dick!” and there were a few phone calls and tweets from ladies who have taken part in this kind of stuff. Jude once made a girl start crying when they tried out some rough play but forgot to pick a safe word. One guy called in to tell the guys that every time his wife cums, she cries, and after a whole bunch of years, it’s not such a bad thing because he knows he got the job done. Another guy called in to say that he doesn’t know when he’s been taken off hold, but the next guy said his wife actually stops breathing when he fucks her proper, which is as close to fucking someone to death as you can legally get and still call it an achievement. Another guy called in with a crying girlfriend story about how he had her riding his hog and all of a sudden he felt her tears dripping down on his chest. Next caller said she only cries from anal, which is understandable when you do it too rough. You gotta romance that butthole way more than that vagina, boys, just remember that. The guys talked a while about how you’ve really gotta be a friend to the chili ring, or else it just turns back into the shit locker and it’s way less fun for everybody. Another guy said his girl started crying and had to go run for some medicine or something. A GIRL called in to let the guys know that sometimes it’s not cause women are insane, sometimes they just cry because sex can be a beautiful, intimate moment of deep connection between two people, sharing both body and soul in an amazingly pleasurable experience, and then she went on to explain that she’s had years of psychological problems and that pretty much killed her entire argument. Time to get some Lou Reed up ya, and not that Lou-Tallica crap, we’ll be back ya cunt satchels.

 

Have you sent in your crappy demo for unsigned bands yet? If you haven’t yet, you can still fire that off to submittoellis@gmail.com and watch your life’s work get shat on by Cassette Coast!!! There’s still time!!! The guys talked about some of the features of SiriusXM online, like on demand and how many people are listening to it and tweeting shit at them from too long ago for anybody on the show to remember. It’s looking like there’s a lot more people now who can’t catch the whole show so they listen to it when it’s more convenient, like after I get home from work where I’ve been inundated with telemarketers and other people’s problems all day and have had to keep pausing the show, so much so that I’ve got 2 hours of delay built up and I have to finish a recap, so the on demand works really well for me on Tuesday. Or when I’m on vacation and not near my computer and out doing stuff all day, I can on demand it while I’m sleeping on a shitty air mattress at my aunt’s house. But that’s not important, cause it’s AUSSIE NEWS TIME!!! But first, the guys wanted to take some calls from ladies who might be interested in dating Hot Dog the Intern, so that they could have a dating game type thing or just listen to ladies throw their snatch smack in his face and see how he would react to it. One lady called in thinking she would be dating an actual hot dog, not Hot Dog The Intern, and god dammit if she didn’t hang up before the guys could get her on the air for a few minutes of radio idiot shaming gold. But, Aussie News, some lady who got elected to some government office, was getting questioned during an interview and made a clear proclamation that she loves a huge cock and doesn’t shave that pussy. So, back to Hot Dog getting some stank on the hang low, Three ladies called in to play the dating game and Hot Donna almost sounded like she had a voice changer on, but it turns out she was just 50 years old. Hot Dog started off the questions by asking one lady if she would put his big ass up on her shoulders so that he could catch some free picks or drumsticks and she said she’d help, but couldn’t guarantee that her lower back would handle the load of all that Hot Dog, BUT SHE COULD HANDLE HIS LOAD ON HER GRILLE!!! AAOOOHH!!!!! Next, Hot Dog asked Hot Donna how stretchy her vagina is, because he’s hung like a black man in Alabama pre-civil war! And she said she could probably handle it, maybe with a bit of finesse and lubrication, but there shouldn’t be any real major issues. He asked one of the other ladies the same question and she declared that she’s got the elasticity of a teenager, so no matter how girthy the dong, she can slip it in as smooth and comfortable as a fresh pair of socks. Hot Dog’s next question for her was whether or not she’d be OK with a guy who can blow himself, and she said that if nothing else, it’s a show worth telling your friends about so no bad blood between them thus far. Next question was for the first lady, Hot Dog wanted to know her opinion on back hair and she gave a reasonable answer that in small doses it’s acceptable, but Sasquatch is gonna have to wait in the car, unless he wants a naked shaving from her, in which case she’s happy to help. Hot Dog followed this up by asking the same lady how she would take it if he made her eat a turd, then waited for her to shit it out, then vomited it, then shot a load on it, if she would still love him after the experience. Her answer was that she wouldn’t necessarily volunteer for the act, but if you really love someone and want the deepest connection possible, there’s not much closer two people can get then vomit shit cum vomit cum shit vomit shit. Hot Donna was a bit more open minded to the scenario, which warrants wondering how badly she needs companionship, but then again, she’s Hot Donna, and considering Hot Dog’s next question, she’s certainly man enough to strap on a strap-on and peg the bejeezus out of his panda-like rectum. She’d even wear her tool belt and hard hat, cause she is in fact a construction worker. Next question for the other lady, would she be willing to let a friend tag in to finish off Hebrew National if she needed to give the pussy a rest from his Sears Tower sized doom spigot? And just like slut magic, in her own words, “The more the merrier.” Next question, if she was stuck on a desert island with his fleshy Tower Of Babel, what would she do with it? After watching him blow it (of course), she said she would give it a quick rinse in the ocean to clear up some of the throat scum, then attempt to swallow it whole, come hell or asphyxiation from laryngeal blockage. The other lady answered that she would make it a point to DIE of an acute addiction to rubbing her nipples all over his dick, forsaking the need for food, fire or shelter. Hot Donna said she would basically treat it like a purse sized dog that occasionally wants to ejaculate in her mouth, but she lost the game when she stated that there would be no anal. So sorry, Hot Donna, but some chick named Jennifer is gonna be climbing the skyscraper that Hot Dog is swinging around between his thighs. Tully found a video (from BitPimps) of a guy who made a how-to series on anal breathing and massage, and it sounds like the terrorist manifesto of a pedophile fart hammer fundamentalist. Just the way he said asshole and spoke about the tranquility of a baby’s asshole, it would make any decent cop murder the mother fucker on sight, not even for the principle, just cause you can see it in his eyes. And there was some extreme farting as well, which sounded like some of the old sound drops the fans sent in a couple years ago, but with the way this guy was doing his anal breathing, it flowed pretty seamlessly with the show. Then Jason played SunnO))) and we all could tell that there may be some embellishment in the background noise we were hearing over the narrative of breathing through one’s own ass. Then he broke out some beads and we all got to wondering how Google hasn’t taken this down from YouTube, but apparently there was some loosely medical connotation to the whole thing, so I guess it flies. The guys took a few minutes to contemplate suicide or locking their children inside for the rest of their lives to protect them from this monster, and also to set up whatever they were gonna do in the next hour.

 

You might not have known this, but there was a tree planted in memory of George Harrison in Los Angeles. You know, the backup guitarist of the Beatles? Well, in a feat that can only be called the act of a vengeful god, the tree was killed by beetles. Real life honest to Satan beetles. I’m not a religious man, but this just smacks of some kind of cosmic malice to me. I don’t even like the Beatles all that much, but the only way it could be more ironic is if Yoko was the one who introduced them to that tree as a new habitat. That’s not the most horrible thing that’s gonna happen today though, cause if you hadn’t caught it on twitter, it’s Cumtard’s birthday!!! And as punishment for his failed attempt at getting a male stripper for Tully’s birthday, this time the guys set him up with a proper one to come and slap his whang all over the Tard’s cranium and butthole. And that is his cosmic punishment for going to see Motley Crue last night, cause as awesome as a lot of their music was, Vince Neil can’t reproduce the notes that made them stars, and also killed a kid while driving drunk, so he should not be paid any further from live performances. Plus, didn’t the band all sue each other and declare their retirement at the end of last year? After Cumtard was done being sodomized with extreme prejudice, Jason and Tully made sure to properly ridicule Cumtard for his previous attempt at male strippers being brought in to embarrass the birthday boy, and did a quick inventory of what may or may not have gotten damaged during the aggressive display of dick-spinning interpretive dance that was performed in the studio. The guys talked about getting old and how Cumtard better find his Yoko before too much longer, or else he’s gonna turn into that kid from Clerks 2, endlessly talking about Jesus and Lord Of The Rings and Pussy Trolls (Google it, I can’t explain it well enough in this format, it needs to be witnessed). Tard has gone on a few dates but hasn’t been particularly amazed by anyone just yet, so there’s still more stalking to be done to find that one girl you wouldn’t leave alone no matter how many yards the court tells you is the minimum distance allowable from their house or place of business. Jason has recently come to the realization that he doesn’t want the type of friends that want to see his dick, and vice versa, cause there needs to be a point in his relationships where nobody needs to set their dick on anyone’s shoulder at a party. The guys put the question out to the fans asking what they think Jason’s channel should be called, on the far outside chance that SiriusXM gives him his own channel. There were some great suggestions, such as Ellistronics, Valhalla, Wolfknife Radio, The Baby, Master Of Puppies, Narcoleptic Narwhal, Barter Town, EllisFam, The Wolf Pack (which is completely fucked by the Hangover movie franchise), The Pube, Your Mum’s Fishtank, The Farthole, Future41, The Cave, Hail Satan, The Cockodile, The Rocktopus, The Glory Hole, Awesome World, The Wing, The Toe Cutter, Fromunda 41, Outback Maniac, The Tard, Radio Fight Club, Splooge Mountain, Will’s a Racist, 41 Jump Street, Sum 41, Cum 41, Ellis Island, 6 Pounds Of Sound, The Rape Room, Skull Fuck, Butt Town, Red Dragin Radio (which would be a copyright issue, but a respectable effort nonetheless), EllisNation, Los EllisEs, The Schism, Facti-OFF, Black Guys Wear Black, Ellis The Red, Against The Grain, Sausage Party, Massive Poopies, Blitzkrieg 41, The Didjeridoo, The Gas Chamber, Muska Kills, Bogan Brigade, The Cocktagon, The Goat, The Woodsman, The Gape, Horse Force, Welcome To Hellis, and many others that didn’t get mentioned cause they were actually trying to take this a little bit seriously cause it is kinda big and permanent-ish, but I assure you, they were hilarious on twitter. Ellis’ contract officially expires tomorrow and he needs to sign the new one, but there may have been a mix-up in the most recent draft he was given and they’re trying to get it sorted out. The guys talked UFC for a bit after reading a quote from Dana White about how an insane Irish fighter reminds him of Ronda Rousey for some reason or another. Tim Silvia is a great friend of the show, and might be getting a shot at moving his way through the ranks of the UFC towards a title shot after fighting Dustin Porier. But that’s all speculation at this point, so let’s all drift away into Awesome World for a bit and regroup.

 

A Chinese art collector spent $39 million on an antique tea cup, cause I guess $20 grand for making potato salad on KickStarter wasn’t enough in the grand scheme of ridiculous spending at the hands of the public, but the real kicker is that this guy used his AmEx to make the purchase and it gained him a net profit of 422 million American Express Rewards points due to the overseas purchase and exchange rates and such, so basically he’s got airfare for life or enough food to balloon up to 7,500 pounds and starve an entire industrialized country to death, all on the rewards system from American Express. Don’t leave home without it!!! The guys played some clips of classic rock singers belting out their signature vocals, and the guys had to guess if they could still hit the notes live. First up was Robert Plant, and the guys unanimously agreed that there’s no way he’s still pumping out his signature high notes, and they were right, as demonstrated by a 2012 performance of Kashmir. After that was Meatloaf and hot patootie, bless my soul, he still has the pipes for rock and roll, despite the guys thinking he probably can’t cause of the testicular cancer and bitch tits thing we learned about in Fight Club. Next up we heard Loretta Lynn joining in with the Loaf, and she’s still got it as well. Next we got a taste of Vince Neil, who we’ve already confirmed can’t do it, but his public ridicule is still entertaining in small doses. After that was Roger Daltry and he can still bang it out, when he’s not high as fuck or phoning it in due to lack of interest. After that was David Lee Roth who refuses to give up the ghost on the tarnished legacy of Van Halen, post Van Hagar years. Then we heard one from the new lead singer of Journey, Stevie Engrish Superfan or whatever the fuck his name is, and if Steve Perry was dead, he’d be rocketing out of his grave towards the sun if he heard this. Next up was the ladies in Heart and despite growing up a bit, their voices have only matured like a fine whiskey, and if you had a bottle of some you could probably still get a dick spinning duet from the Wilson Sisters. After that we heard a selection from Axl Rose, still belting it out like his lungs are gonna fall out his rectum, but he doesn’t have the staying power to keep it going very long. Next we got a sampling of Fleetwood Mac and Stevie’s still got it, but everyone else in the band can fuck right off. Next down the line was Elton John and I guess the cure for every physical problem is gay sex cause as long as you don’t get the HIV you pretty much stay a champion forever. After that was A-Ha doing Take On Me and if this is how it sounded like in 2010, I’d say that jam is never gonna die. Finally, we got a taste of Steven Tyler doing dream on from 2013 and despite having throat surgery in 2007, when I saw them two weeks after, he was still pounding it out like it was 1976 all over again. The guys talked classic rock and rumors about our favorite stars for a bit, then brought the rest of the crew in to belt out some lines from their favorite classics. WILSON came in hot with a decent Meatloaf. Hot Dog dropped a fully terrifying rendition of Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus. Cumtard came in to fire off a bit of Fuel by Metallica, and basically live tarded the tune just with actual words instead of sound effects. Finally we heard Jetta’s best feeble attempt at giving us something from Thrice and since Thrice sucks I really can’t criticize his efforts on this one, but if he was covering any of the other songs it would have counted as a fail. Jason started giving Jetta shit for not being able to recite lyrics for good music the way the rest of the developed world can. Will got back on the microphone to show a true display of his singing abilities which he was holding back on before, and after some vocal pointers from the guys, he was like a younger Meatloaf incarnate, with his testicles still intact, just in the possession of his ex wife. There were some final calls and stuff and god dammit it’s close to show time and lunch time and I’ve been ignoring shit at work and we’re too busy for that this week, so when you’re done reading this go clean your room and cut me some firewood.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

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Show recap for Thursday 7/10/2014

Hey, you know that whole title that says this is the show recap?!?! Haha..fooled you!!!!

Seriously, though, I woke up this morning with every intention of listening to the show today and recapping as fabulously as I always sincerely try to. I started up my SiriusXM app about an hour before the show and it was like, ‘uh, no, fuck you’ and after trying everything that I could think of, it would still not work. So I put out the SOS to the other extremely wonderful people that write for this site and they offered some suggestions and made me laugh and I stopped worrying and had a plan in place for what I was going to do if my app did not decide to start working.

And then shit got real. How real? How about I literally almost died. I am completely serious. I feel like when I first posted about it on Instagram people were all ‘lol that sucks’ and it’s probably my fault since I’m not a dramatic person, and also I only got one picture of the whole thing at a bad angle after it was all pretty much over, so it sort of just looked like a popped radiator hose. But no…I legit had to bail out of an exploding truck. I don’t know how many of you out there are familiar with diesel engines or diesel trucks…but they do this thing when the oil get sucked into the engine and burnt as fuel and the engine keeps running no matter what you do to it…and yeah. That happened. Thank goodness it happened while we were pulled over in a parking lot because the truck had been really jerky and we were passing a strip mall with a NAPA in it. It was low on oil, cause, you know, that’s what the engine had been burning to keep going, so Joe got some oil to put in it. Put the oil in, I turn the truck on, and fucking boom motherfucker. The engine started screaming…holy fucknuts it was the loudest sound ever. Full rev plus. And Joe starts yelling for me to stop revving it and I tell him “My foot is on the brake!”

“What? Turn the truck off!!”

I turn the truck off. It gets worse. Louder, screechier, and smoke starts pouring out everywhere. I have the key in my motherfucking hand and the truck is still running out of control. So he starts yelling at me to get out of the truck but I literally could not move a muscle. Panicked. Because apparently my fight or flight response is stuck in the ‘stay and motherfucking die’ position. Smoke is pouring out of the engine and the exhaust and suddenly Joe is pulling on me, half tugging me out of the open window because I can’t move. I snapped out of it, opened the door and he pushed me into the auto store in front of him. Now..in the parking lot of this strip mall is a truck spewing smoke out of the engine and the exhaust and there is nothing that we can do about it. The smoke was so bad that you couldn’t see. Anything. We’re about three feet from the truck and the other cars in the parking lot and it’s a brick wall of smoke. Gone. At that point, Joe goes back outside and is yelling telling anyone in earshot (that we aren’t sure are even there) to get away from the truck because the guys in the auto store told us that it’s either going to fully catch fire and explode or the engine is going to seize. Fun fact. This is an HVAC truck filled with about 10 pressurized tanks of various highly flammable substances. So if the fire spread and the shit hit the fan for realsies…it was going to be a goddamn massacre. We set off the indoor fire alarms of the deli in the strip mall. There were then some very loud popping sounds and it stopped. The engine seized. The engine flames and smoke died out quickly thereafter and we didn’t kill a parking lot full of people.

I was shaking so hard I couldn’t speak and Joe called the boss. That was a fun interaction, but Joe/Bossman interactions are always that way. The police/fire people came, we talked to them, the owner of the deli got us some waters, and the rest of the afternoon was filled with tow trucks, me and Joe making each other laugh, and saying, “thank fucking god that didn’t happen while we were driving”. But the thing is, it started while we were driving. About 3 minutes before i pulled into the parking lot I was slowing down for a turn when the engine revved. Again, foot not on the accelerator, on the brake, and the engine was like ‘bbbbbbrrrrrrraaahhhhh’.

And then we were asked to go back to work. After the tow truck guy asked if I wanted to work for him cause he could use a girl like me. I did not listen to Ellis. I did not stalk out people’s twitter accounts for info on what was happening or happened and create a fanfiction to fill in the blanks. I didn’t, and I am sorry about that, because I know that’s basically my whole job and you’re prolly bummed out. I really could have used Ellis today, and I’m sure Joe could have used him too. I’m still freaked out. We got home, hugged the baby, and ate dinner that was enormously delicious because we’re both rattled. It was bad. I’m glad that I have Joe, who is cooler than any cucumber than I have ever encountered. Motherfucker should have been a firefighter. The entire time he didn’t even seem phased by what was going on. The only reason he even yelled about the revving at first and for me to get out of the truck was because he had to yell to be heard over the noise. But he did admit that he was scared to death. He was scared that Biz was gonna die (that’s me, btw, I’m his Bizzle Sticks), he was scared that other people were going to die, and he was scared that he had no idea what was going on. For Joe to say that he was scared is an amazing thing, and that in and of itself is a testament to how fucking brutal this afternoon was.

Again, I’m sorry that this was not the recap you were looking for. But, hey, look on the bright side…I didn’t die, which means that I will be back to properly recap for you again next week!! Also, if anyone is really all that bummed out about this epic fail of a recap, I was told that all inquiries can be directed to Joe on twitter @JoeyHoops. He has all the best pics of my boobs (you’ll never get vag, he says that’s all his).

Love you guys!!! Sorry!!

 

PS…I know I was wondering on here about Hotdog The Intern’s IG, and he found me!!! he’s hotdog_theintern and his instagram account is hotdog_theintern and it made me fall a little bit in love with how adorable he is! Check it out!!

 

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Show Recap for Thursday 6/26/2014

Welcome to the best Thursday Recap on the Best Jason Ellis Show Recap Site that has ever existed!!!!! Woooooo!!!

Getting right into it, that sound that you hear at the end of the intro is a baby wold making sounds and it doesn’t sound too happy, but in the video he looks really happy when he’s making all those yelpy sounding sounds…so don’t worry about it too hard guys, it’s just sounds of a happy baby wolf puppy. Ellis gets right into talking about what would happen if he started capturing people and chopping off their arms and feet, and tying their feet together. Would they turn into snake people and start slithering on their bellies and then Ellis would go down in history as the Man who changed mankind by making snake people? Tully thinks probably not because if he did actually manage to keep it going long enough where people started evolving and adapting and having snake people babies, it would take like a million years, and for the world’s population to turn over into snake people (or aqua babies, which Ellis also brings up) it would probably be about 50 million years. And also, 50 million years down the line, if people did remember that the late, great Big Daddy J was the one who started the ball on snake people rolling, the person that would be praised or hated or whatever would not actually bear any resemblance to Jason Ellis and would be a much bastardized version of the person that we would all love to be best friends with. This conversation devolved, or evolved, or tangentially went on to include talk of what would happen if Ellis went the other way around and started attaching legs to snakes to make walking snakes (or, you know, lizards) and Ellis called bullshit on Tully calling them lizards because they would not be lizards, they would be different, duh, and there aren’t any lizards around who are better walking around on two feet than they are walking around on all four and his snakes with legs would walk like men. Dammit. Twitter answered the unasked call and started tweeting pictures and video links to the Jesus Lizard, aka the Basilisk lizard (yes, Basilisk, like Harry Potter, why do you think I knew the name of the Jesus Lizard in the first place without having to google it?) which is a lizard that can run across the top of water…which is kind of more badass than Jesus being able to walk on water. Just saying. They watched the video and talked about the Jesus Christ lizard for a while and that turned into them talking about pound for pound strength and if Chris Weidman would beat a Basilisk in an MMA fight. They came to the conclusion that the Basilisk would win on points, because those little fucks are really fast and Weidman wouldn’t be able to catch it to knock it out.

Speaking of animals and pound for pound and yesterday’s Eagles (if they were larger and able to kill humans, would humans kill them first?) Tully brings up a story of a woman who got shit-whipped by a goose. Like, landed in the hospital for 5 days kind of shit whipped. I think she just fell off her bike and that’s where most of the damage came from and she didn’t want to admit it. I mean, geese are nasty fucks, and I have personally been terrified of them up close because they WILL try and eat your fingers, but I don’t but that it broke her face. The ground broke her face. Ellis calls bullshit on the story for a while saying that he would totally take out a goose (he actually calls them ducks the whole time, ducks are quackie, geese are whacky) before it made a move on him, but Tully calls bullshit on his bullshit because Ellis goes through life considering every situation that could possibly lead to violence and is always ready for it and knows how to properly defend himself, and not everyone walks around life equipped in that way. Ellis admits that yeah, he’d probably be thrown for a few seconds if a goose actually attacked him, but he’s still pretty sure he could take that motherfucker out. Yako on Twitter made a comment about how every 3 year old Canadian is warned by their 3rd birthday about the ferocity of geese and both Tully and Ellis can see that because, as Tully says, “They weeble, they wobble, and yes, they do, in fact, fall down.” And they have a particularly hard time getting back up. I mean, they’re only 3 years into that body and only 2 years into walking around really, so when they go down, they go through some emotions before they even start to think about getting back up.

Don’t forget, California Ellisfam, the show is going to be live tomorrow from Racer’s Edge Go Karting in Burbank California, and the password to get in (because it’s an Ellisfam exclusive event at this point) is Yer Mum’s House. That’s right, you heard it here if you didn’t hear it there, the password is Yer Mum’s House. How appropriate. Ha…I just looked at the website and it even lists that it’s closed tomorrow from 12 to 4 for a private event. Boom. There’ll be tons of people there aside from the ones you hear from on the show on a daily basis and I wished I lived in California so that I could be there too, because I’m gonna be here, in New York, in my shitty life (shut up, I’m stressed to hell right now) not hanging out with TJES and racing go karts. Maybe I’ll pretend the truck is a go kart. We’ll see how that goes. There will be food, and drinks, and famous people, a radio show and a Dingo there. Why would you not go? Oh, but don’t bring your kids. Unless your kid is 16 or older. There will be cursing, Mike Catherwood’s wife has said her vagina may make an appearance, there could be nipples on Kenda Turn, and then, well, you know the show. Don’t make the guys feel weird about doing their show because you decided to bring your 8 year old. Be responsible so that no one else has to.

At this point they go through the button bar and Ellis says he’ll take phone calls about anything and people start calling about the geese and shit and they push a bunch of buttons and Ellis wants to prank call Katie but she doesn’t answer the phone. Hot Dog says that Ellis can prank call his mom, because his mom is around in town and wanted to come for a visit but she got told no. Tully or Ellis make a joke about how they meet the mom’s of all of the interns and Hot Dog goes, “Well, you already met my mom,” and proceeds to tell Ellis, and the rest of us, that he and his mom were at the Harley Davidson book signing event and met him and Hot Dog, back when he was just Nate, told Ellis that he wanted to intern for him and that he has his own college radio show that is on the AM airwaves and Ellis gave Nate numbers to call and people to bug about being an intern and voila!!! Hot Dog is an intern. And a reverend.

Back from the first break Tully comes at us with a news story where a man is suing a stripper to give him back his $2000 because no one ever told this guy that there is no such thing as a refund when you are dealing with strippers. Poor guy. What seems to be more of a story to Ellis and Tully is the reporting correspondent who is telling us about all of this because that guy looks like he does drugs and could have committed a murder or two. Allegedly. Randy Wallace is the name of the reporter and Tully and Ellis spend a good bit of time riffing on him, his various alleged habits, and finding him on twitter where he is quoted as saying, “I believe Cheesecake, Xanax, and Duct Tape fixes everything.” Yeah, it’s not a hard sell that that guy is tripping balls on all sorts of things all of the time.

Time for some Wolfknives names!!! But first, let’s talk about how Will may or may not be banging that girl Ericka, and okay, if he’s not, then is it cool if Tully and Ellis bang her out instead. Will does his flustered, angry, “We’re friends” thing and eventually Ellis deduces that Will friendzoned himself. But, other than that, welcome to the Wolfknives Death Vender, Body Glover, Huge Muffler, Storm Rapist, Cougar Shaft, Puppy Hitler, Poor Man’s Gary Coleman, Ball Sex, Hot Dog Enthusiast, Eagle Precum, Torellini, Elvis HorseDick, Cock Global, The Great Gaper, and Hot Dog (yes, the intern). Has anyone found Hot Dog’s instagram yet? I mean…he’s a self admitted virgin…he has to have one, right? I suck at finding shit like that, so if anyone knows what it is, hit me up on IG or twitter, I’m jennimazky ;)

Time for some long awaited teen advice, peppered with some other stuff, because this was the show of tangents. Seriously. So many tangents. To the first girl who has a crush on her male BFF who currently has a girlfriend and doesn’t want to be that girl, but kind of does want to be that girl, and to the second teen girl who’s wondering if she should do something to make her ex jealous…the answer is JUST DO IT! But also, honesty is a noble virtue to have, but keep shit like this on the down low as you get older, because, well, that just how bitches roll once they get grown. Stop being so honest. The third question is a girl asking if she will develop serious feelings for someone if she sleeps with them, and both Tully and Ellis seem to agree that yeah, probably. They seem to think that if this girl is thinking about sleeping with someone to begin with that she probably already has some sort of feelings for that person and that also, casual sex tends to come with age for women. I’m a woman, and I honestly don’t know. I mean, some people are wired for casual sex, some aren’t, and some people are really good at lying to themselves. I would advise, however, that if you are a teenager, don’t get into the casual sex game. You’re young and stupid and will probably get pregnant. To the girl asking if her friend is a lesbian, Ellis says that you should fingerbang your friend to find out. Then you’ll know. To the teen girl with a smelly dischargey vagina, please go to the doctor. Tully thinks there is no such thing as being a really religious person and a really fun person at least until the age of 30, so young teenager asking, if you’re really religious, people are probably going to be annoyed by you for like another decade and a half unless they too are really religious, sorry about that. And finally, yes, anonymous teen, ugly is a real thing. Ellis says that he’s gotten uglier as he’s gotten older and Tully informs us that there is nothing wrong with being born ugly because being ugly in the right subculture is kind of a thing that’s just embraced, and being ugly is nowhere near as bad as being fat. Ugly isn’t your fault, for the most part, being fat is. It’s halftime!!! Do your pushups, feel whatever round things exist on your body and check them for cancer, and take some time and go to this website run by recent guest of the show, Jack Osbourne about MS. I just went, and wow, Jack is looking good!

Christian is in the studio to do stripped vocals but first, they are going to talk about a lot of nothing for like, an hour. Sorry, guys, I tried really hard to pay attention and be a good sport and recapper and do my duty for all of you out there, but I basically was not feeling the entire show today. I don’t know what it was. There was a lot of dead. It was humid and gross out and I’m kind of cranky on top of it, so I kind of lost the thread around here a couple of times, but they did talk about Anahita who was on TJES last week and is on the Dr. Drew show on TV with Ellis a lot, and how she is going to be karting with them tomorrow and look forward to her boobies when they come around Kenda Turn. It seems like Kenda won’t be back to go around Kenda Turn, but she’s a busy lady, so she’s forgiven. Tully informs us that the Texting and Driving race got axed for various reasons that don’t make the most sense, but there are still going to be other cool races, like the Main Event, and the Vagisil 5000, and a relay race, as well as all of the racing that Ellisfam can do while the guys are you know, on air, doing the show. Tully has a list of famous figures in history who are alleged to have sexually transmitted diseases and the ones that got mentioned were: Al Capone who was suspected of dying from Syphilis while in prison for tax fraud, Hitler was also thought to have suffered from Syphilis due to his tendency to rant and rave and murder people for no good reason, Honest Abe Lincoln is also thought to be a Syphilis sufferer (though he didn’t murder tons of people because of it) and JFK apparently had the Clap. This turned into a discussion of if they guys got a sexually transmitted disease from Cher, would they tell anyone that it was from Cher, and yes, Tully and Christian would tell their doctors until their doctor believed them, but Ellis wasn’t too down to tell anyone about it. Then Ned Beaty who was a guy who got raped in Deliverance got brought up and they talked about him for a while, about random things that I managed to really not pay attention to, and thennnnnnn the got around to doing stripped vocals and songs and things. At this point I was driving and completely unable of taking notes, but I know that they covered Marvin Gaye, Amy Winehouse, Avenged Sevenfold, Soundgarden, Slayer, Nirvana, and Freddie Mercury and David Bowie, and they all blew Ellis’ mind.

Back from the break they were talking about plans for Fourth of July and Ellis doesn’t know what he’s doing but he doesn’t have the kids that night, and Christian doesn’t know what he and his girlfriend are doing so maybe they should figured out what to do for the holiday together with their girlfriends. There was also some talk about Polar Bears and how they are vicious and Katie doesn’t like them, but Ellis does, and it was because some guy’s 24 Million Dollar Yacht that was all on fire and destroyed was called the Polar Bear. Ellis mentioned that the guy who hit him the other week in his Porsche still hasn’t sent photos of his car to the insurance company, but Ellis has sent his in, and if the other guy doesn’t send pics in then it really really makes it look like it was definitely the other guy’s fault, but Ellis is still expecting something crazy to happen that will screw him over, but you know what, whatever. If he has to pay for the car to be fixed then he’ll pay for the car to be fixed, because he’s the one who bought a Porsche in the first place. Boom.

I’m outtie HomeSlizzles, I’ll see you when the show gets back from being on vacation next week!

Things we learned on TJES today:

Tully calls bullshit on evolution. Always.

Tully played basketball this morning

Ellis is going to be really serious and in the zone while go karting tomorrow, but no one can fault him for that cause people get serious about video games

If a goose approaches you, do the right thing, and take it out before it takes you out

There will be giveaways at Racers Edge tomorrow for the fans

Spongebob “Red Dragons” is done by the real voice of Spongebob

Will thinks Ellis and Tully are trying to tarnish Ericka’s honor

Tully is okay with his wife banging Brad Pitt but he wouldn’t want to watch the video

Tully is a rational motherfucker. For realsies.

Ugly people get the opportunity to connect with other people on a deeper level

Dingo is Kevin Bacon in a Monster hat

Ellis would go full romance with Cher

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