Show Recap for Thursday 7/31/2014

Well hello there loyal listeners and readers and what have you, it’s me, Jenny you’re favorite box owner who writes recaps for this wonderful site here to tell you all the important things that happened on Thursday’s show!!! Aren’t you excited? I’m excited!! I had a shitty day and I would much rather sit here and think about the funny stuff that goes on rather than dwell on stupid bullshit life stuff. Can we vote to get rid of all the stupid bullshit life stuff that goes on? Because that would be awesome. So would winning the lottery. I mean…I know money doesn’t buy happiness or anything and I’m not looking for it to, but life would basically be perfect if I didn’t have to worry about money all of the time. I’m complaining. That looks cute on no one.

Now for something that people actually care about, The Jason Ellis Show!!! Woooooo!! Jason opened up the show today talking about how he had a nightmare. A nightmare unlike any other mare of the night that he has previously had in the way that he was actually screaming in the land of waking reality and had to be shaken awake by his bedmate Katie because what the fuck was that all about? Ellis explains how he didn’t actually get to talk about it with Katie until the morning because the pull of sleep on him was so strong that he fell right back into dreamland, but they talked about it in the shower, because what the fuck. Ellis has never screamed because of his dreams before. He gives Tully (and therefore the rest of us the breakdown of his dream) and says that in his dreamnightmareland he was walking around in the woods at night and he felt the presence of something. That something was following him and he knew in his dream that he was feeling apprehensive but he kept walking. But the thing kept speeding up and so he kept speeding up until finally he was running, but the thing was faster and was so inhumanly fast that it zipped right by him. Ellis described it as a Black Alien Beastie thing. Eventually the thing got the jump on Ellis and Ellis prepared to fight it and threw a punch, but it was so fast that Ellis missed and then it was on his back and eating him and that’s when shit went to hell and Ellis started to scream and thrash about and was woken by the Underwear Wolf. Weird man. They talk for a while about what it could mean, or if it really means anything because Tully doesn’t seem to put all that much stock in the whole dream interpretation thing, saying that at night he thinks your brain just spins the proverbial Wheel of Doom and whatever it lands on is what plays behind your eyeballs. He talked about some weird, confusing dream he had where he was super tired and late for something but kept going back to sleep anyway but then trying to wake himself up in his dream he woke himself up in real life and wasn’t able to get back to sleep because the anxiety of being late to something in his dream followed him into the waking world and isn’t that just a bitch? I have suffered from night terrors since the time I was very young, I’ve been told it’s part of the whole abuse thing, but I honestly remember nightmares I had when I was three (which was 3 years before the abuse thing started) so I just think that some people’s brains are more wired to have some fucked up things happen once we lose consciousness and drop the reigns of our brains. There was a psychotherapist listening (Holy Shit!! A board certified smart person called the show, take that Jetta!) and he called the show and they talked about Near Sleep which is when a lot of vivid dreams can occur where you are more likely to thrash around and have physical reactions and screaming while dreaming because that whole gamma-aminobutyric acid shit that normally paralyzes us for sleep isn’t fully kicked in yet. Then a caller who has Narcolepsy called and told the guys about his weird dreams because he lives in a world of being constantly about to fall asleep.

The dream thing gets rolled into a bit of discussion about the upcoming Contract or non-Contract and apparently the future of The Jason Ellis Show and Ellistronics channel is a little more up in the air than he previously thought and things that may they had agreed to are now not so agreed upon and Ellis makes the declaration that if he doesn’t get his own channel and if he doesn’t get the other things in his contract that he wants than he isn’t going to be with SiriusXM anymore and that is just that. This whole contract talks makes me more nervous than it probably should, but I really enjoy having the security of there being a show that I follow and I fucking hate change and there is nothing that I can do that can change the situation with the show and that makes me edgy as fuck. But I’m kind of sure that everything will work out and Ellis will get his channel and everything will be okay because SiriusXM would be straight up stupid if they just wrote him and all of his success off…and I don’t think that they are really all that stupid. It sounds like we’ll know for sure by the end of next week, which is when Ellis’s current contract is up and it’s either the show moves forward and on to bigger and better things…or it goes off into the ether until it comes down in podcast land (probably).

Tully brings up a story that’s been making the internet rounds over the past couple of days involving a man and a woman and a leash. Sounds like something that would be right up Ellis and Katie’s naughty alley…but nah…the man and woman in the news story take it just a bit further than Ellis would be willing to. And why is that? Well, because the woman was walking her boyfriend around town on his hands and knees naked with an anal plug all…you know…up in his anus. In town. In front of people. The pictures that are associated with the news stories are from passersby. And the lady doesn’t get why everyone is so pissed off. It’s rather ridiculous. But Ellis and Tully roll with it and chitchat back and forth for a bit on why it offends them and what kinds of things would make it less offensive or if there is a place for it anywhere in the world outside of the home. Tully is offended by the whole shebang, he wouldn’t even be into seeing it if the guy were fully dressed because that’s just something you do inside your house and don’t let your neighbors in on. Ellis thinks that if he came across a woman walking a man around on a dog leash he would laugh, unless his kids were around, because it’s not cool for kids to see butt plugs. That’s right, kids should not see butt plugs. But Ellis also brings up the point that if they were fully clothed, he doesn’t think that his kids would think that it was anything more than two people who might be kinda crazy and were acting funny and they see tons of weird shit on the street on Sunset in LA all the time. Like that guy on a skateboard in short shorts with no shirt on and a huge boner. Ellis and Katie have seen that guy in all of his bonerific glory twice now. Tully says that if he were by himself or around other adults he would probably get a laugh but if anyone threw it out there that they should be arrested or that they should be stopped, he would agree with them, because there should probably be a law against that. There is a law against that. If the couple does get arrested…they could technically have to register as sex offenders depending on the level of complaint, and that’s something that follows you around for the rest of your life. And, oh god, if someone comes forward with their kid that saw this all go down…they are insta-pedos. Now, keep in mind that this couple was in their fifties…they should really have a little bit more sense. I’m all for doing what ever floats your boat (within the normal limits of no beastiality or pedophelia or killing people) but, you also gotta know that there’s a time and a place.

Back from the first break, Tully poses a question to the listeners- if the devil were to pop up and offer to make you a deal in exchange for your eternal soul, what would you trade your soul for? Ellis can’t really think of anything that he would trade his soul for at this point in life cause, you know, he’s basically achieved the things that have been on his list thus far and he has kids to think about before he goes and makes deals with the devil, and Tully can’t really come up with anything that he would trade his soul for either. But, the listeners, oh boy do the listeners come up with a wide range of things that they would sell their souls for- from being able to master the piano, to being able to master anything and everything, to being the ruler of the world, and being able to see the entire development of mankind from the dawn of time, and…it was pretty entertaining. Hubbs and I talked about if there was anything that we would trade our souls for if we come across the devil. And…nah. The thinking behind this is that I, being an atheist first and foremost don’t believe in either God or Satan and that kills it for me, but if Satan were to appear to me, Hubbs said then that would prove that God is real and therefore we would not do anything to spoil spending eternity in Heaven. I mean, when you get down to it…a few years on this mortal coil is nothing compared to an eternity and I would way rather spend an eternity in Heaven (even with all the gospel music and ass kissing that must go on up there) than spend an eternity in Hell. I’ve read lots of books…Hell sounds awesome in exactly zero of them. Especially after reading The Divine Comedie…there’s a whole logic to the setup of Hell, and if I’m being honest, the most tempting thing for me to trade my soul for would be for $100 Billion with the guarantee that I live to be like 90…but even that I wouldn’t reallllllly go for cause…do you know what my eternity in Hell would be? My eternity in Hell would be spent upside down ingesting Human sewage. Eternity. Ingesting sewage. Because of my greed. I don’t even like talking about poop. Could I spend an eternity inhaling it? Nope. So not worth it.

Back in the studio Joel and Benji Madden are here to hang out and talk with Ellis and Tully!!! They talk a lot about…everything. How Benji and Ellis are besties, how Joel finally let it be known that he was cool with Ellis and Ellis training with Benji for Benji’s fight and them punching each other a lot and yadda yadda yadda. Honestly, this whole part of the show was really hard for me to follow because they’re motherfucking twins and sound exactly the same to me and I was never a fan of Good Charlotte and don’t know their personality quirks enough to be like, “Oh that’s totally Joel” or “Of course Benji would say that” so my asshole recap of this is…they talked a lot about everything. One, or both of The Madden Bros tell Ellis how he was a huge influence for them and their new album and how this album is really something that they love and are proud of and worked hard for and it’s a different sound probably from what the fans are used to, but they’ve grown and all that noise. They talk a lot about Australia because Joel and Benji and Good Charlotte and basically like God in Australia and they are into rugby and I think it was Joel who hung out down there with Russell Crowe because he owns a rugby team and he said that Russell Crowe was really cool, which is funny because on Wednesday’s show Tully and Ellis were taking it out really hard on Russell Crowe and I laughed about that for a bit. They play a new song off their new Album called California Rain and I really liked it, but when I looked at Twitter everyone on twitter hated it. Whatever. I like terrible music, so I’m not really surprised about that. I mean…I fucking love Kesha too. Hate on it all you want. It wasn’t a bad song, I am musically inclined, I play guitar and can sing and shit and I can tell good music from bad music. I know it’s not along the lines of the kind of music a lot of Ellisfam listen to, but it was a good song. I’ll probably download that song, and maybe the rest of the album when it comes out. Hate on, haters. Maybe Ellis was kissing ass because it’s his bestie and his bestie’s twinnie, that’s what friends do, motherfucker.

After the song plays, Benji has made his exit, but Joel decides to stick around for a while and get to know Ellis a little bit more in his world and answer phone calls and talk to fans and talk about his life and his wife and his kids. He, as you may or may not know, is married to Nicole Richie, daughter to the famous Lionel Richie who is apparently the coolest father in law in the world. Nicole is someone that Ellis always feels awkward around and Joel says that she’s an intimidating person and Tully and Ellis joke that Joel is probably intimidated by her also. Joel talks a bit about how he and Benji left home once they were 18 to go to LA and get into the biz and how they left in the middle of the night and survived by making friends and couch surfing and being determined that if they stuck the path then they would succeed. A caller called and asked Joel if Nicole was into Anal and he got hung up on and congratulated for making it past HotDog, and then there was a super really enthusatstically big Good Charlotte fan who called and thanked Joel for basically changing his life and he was so happy and into it that I could not stop laughing but Joel said that it made his day.

And then the show ended because Ellis had to be out of there to go to that Globe thing with the surfer movie world premiere that HotDog was uninvited to.

Things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show Today:

Joel got a 73 on the punch pad

Benji re-punched the pad and did worse than his first time, so his 72 has an asterisk now

Tully literally dreams about being Nick Swardson’s protoge

Ellis wants people to leave sharks alone

Ellisfam souls are on sale for cheap for Satan

Benji is really close with Joel’s kids

Ellis punched Benji so hard in the head he went deaf for a day

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden keep their work lives seperate

Sparrow Madden loves Jacques Cousteau and he is 5

Joel Madden is scared of the ocean

Nicole Richie loves Katie (duh, who doesn’t?)

 

Show Recap for Thursday 12/5/2013

Back again. It’s okay if you’re sick of me after this, cause I won’t be back until next week ;)

If you missed the show today that means you missed your opportunity to feed your Ellis Show obsession. If your hands are shaking, your heart is racing, your palms are sweaty, and you’re feeling itchy all over- you have come to the right place. A re-cap is almost as good as the real thing (I hope) so please feel free to feed your obsession here and be held over until the show replays in the morning. Shit. Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show on SiriusXM where it’s not terrestrial radio and therefore the show can be opened by saying shit and talking about bald pussy. Your pussy falls out when you’re 80. Box, box, box, box (read: pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy). Tully wonders if there was a way that someone could listen to the show and tally up all of the things that they would never be able to get away with on terrestrial radio, but Ellis says that they are way too understaffed for anyone to be able to do that. However, Wilson knows the guy who played the bleep button while Howard Stern was on terrestrial so maybe he could do it. They talk a bit about how it must have been such a shit high pressure job to be the person bleeping Stern out all of the time because he had Stern to answer to as well as lawyers to answer to for why he chose to bleep or not to bleep (as that is the terrestrial radio question). Ellis comments that Will kind of has that shit job in satellite radio form, but Will vehemently denies this. Just kidding. Of course he does.

It’s a good thing that Ellis isn’t out of it today, even though he woke up super early, because Tully proclaims that he is not on top of his game but he will be giving it the old college try. Why is Tully out of it? No it isn’t one of his bouts of insomnia, he actually slept through the night…however while sleeping he dreamed a dream where he was so tired but so busy with shit that he never got the chance to sleep. Channing Tatum made a cameo, cause why not, and Tully was talking to him about Dream Tatum’s pending fatherhood, then he had one other person to talk to, then he had to get out of there and do some other errand, and then he’d be able to sleep. But by the time he looked at the clock in his dream it was 5 AM and he had to be up. So, he slept through the night dreaming that he was tired and deprived of a full night’s sleep. I can see how that mindfuck’s one into being a little off the next day. He may still be in the dream. This may be a part of the dream. Because, yeah, I’m sure that Tully’s dreams include me typing out a recap at 10:30 at night.

But, wait, why was Ellis up extra early this morning? Well, he had a meeting at Devin’s school this morning with the Mummy, principle, teacher, therapist, and a couple of other people about how Devin is doing and talking about her future. So Daddy Ellis had to get the kiddies up early and get everyone where they needed to be so he could be at the meeting at school (which he doesn’t like going to, because no one likes going back to school). The meeting went well and left Ellis feeling good about things because his daughter is beautiful, smart, and talented and even though she has some trouble focusing on things, she can get back on track and her future will be sweet. At some point the Mummy tells Ellis that she can tell that Ellis is doing really well because of his therapy, which is such a great thing of her to say, and Tully chimes in his agreement. Because Ellis is awesome and all that hard work is paying off. More kiddie related stuff occurred involving Ellis laying down the law to his backseat mini-me’s, telling them that they would get 2 warnings when misbehaving and then the third time he had to say anything they would deal with the pre-set consequences. It was tested out when they were stuck in traffic for 2 hours and it worked, when Ellis told them the 2nd time to stop fighting he reminded them that one more time means bye bye Devin’s dollies and Tiggie’s skateboards for the whole weekend, so the rest of the ride was spent talking and playing games. This made Ellis happy because he was dreading taking things away from his kids, because he wants them to have fun and be happy and he was afraid of his resolve and ability to not fold when being buttered up by a pair of butter-up experts.

Ellis has reached the end of his 30 day self imposed sobriety and he is feeling really good about it. No, he did not spark up last night because he fell asleep on the couch and had his forehead licked by a bald pussy (ha), but maybe after he beats up Mike Jasper after the show he’ll go home and party a bit. Ellis says that he highly recommends going sober for 30 days if you’re really getting the inkling that maybe you are indulging too much (on whatever you choose to indulge in) because it’s hard to give something up and if you don’t buckle then you feel good accomplishing something without lying to yourself about it.

That somehow segued into Ellis telling everyone that he was attacked on twitter by a fat lady, presumably after his latest Dr. Drew HLN appearance repeated on TV, for his comment about fat people being scientifically proven to be more stupid than fit people. He could have made jokes at the lady, but he didn’t, because she would have taken him seriously and he isn’t that guy and he doesn’t wanna be mean (even if only joking) to someone that is going to take it to heart. He sort of regrets making the comment in the first place because he doesn’t want to be taken the wrong way and he doesn’t want to be mean to people, he just wants people to feel good and take care of themselves. Another twitter attack came from some random guy who somehow came across the infamous video of him being piss charged (I stole that from Adam who didn’t die, because it made me laugh) on Ellismania.com and called him out to Joe Rogan and Huffington Post for ‘bashing’ someone who was mentally disabled for being homophobic. We all know that that isn’t the case and isn’t the motive behind how Ellis reacted, he was just reacting to a, literally, insane situation and he was prepared to defend himself if need be. He wasn’t bashing the woman for the fun of it, he was asking not to be dissed and threatened and told the lady that if she came at him he would not hesitate to defend himself. Case closed. The only reason it wound up on video is because he always has his camera on him for Ellismania.com purposes, and after walking away he told the restaurant that she was next to that the authorities should be called and she needed to be admitted to a hospital. The tweet from the random guy did open Ellis’ eyes to the fact that most homeless people out there aren’t just drug addicts who couldn’t keep their addictions from ruining their lives, but that they have mental disorders which keep them from being able to function in society. It’s the sad truth that many homeless suffer from mental conditions and they aren’t getting any help, and Tully talks about how the only answer is for there to be more institutions to be built to help and home these people. Treatment for all- those who can be treated successfully get released and can become functioning members of society, and those that can’t need to be taken care of until they day. However, the government doesn’t seem to want to take these steps.

A caller named John calls the show to tell Ellis that he shouldn’t feel any regret over how he handled the situation as John has Manic Bipolar Disorder and has been in the situation where he was the crazy person and he is thankful for the people who were there to get him the help that he needed, even if it meant being hospitalized until he was stable again. John further went on to explain that Ellis is completely right about saying that fat people are, on average, not as smart as more fit people, so he shouldn’t feel bad about saying that either. He did offer the advice that maybe he should rephrase himself so it would be more clear that it’s not that fat people are stupid, it’s that because of their increased body mass, they aren’t getting the optimal amount of blood flow to their brains (since it’s busy oxygenating the rest of their body) and they have 15% less brainpower popping off as opposed to a person at their normal body weight. Good call, thanks John!!! Tully brings up that he found an article that talked about a study where a group of young people were given IQ tests and as they got older those with lower IQ’s are more likely to be obese as they grow up and those with higher IQ’s tend to be more fit. So the question still remains: does being fat make you stupid, or does being stupid make you fat? And it’s not to say that thin people are all geniuses and fat people are all morons- it’s about the averages. Tully brings up that Mayor Ford up in Canada may be an amazing level of reckless but he had to have been smarter than the average bear to get there in the first place, and Chris Christie (NJ Governer) is a front runner for the next presidential race. Ellis doesn’t think that America is going to have a fat president because appearing presidential doesn’t include being fat, and Tully points out that the last seriously overweight president was William Taft about a hundred years ago. Because, you know, it’s all about looking presidential…it’s not about the issues or anything crazy like that.

Coming back from the break Ellis and Tully want to talk about McDonald’s and the fast food workers purported strike and protests which were supposed to occur today (although I don’t know if any actually did) and this is an issue that they talked about a couple of months ago when the word started getting around that the minimum wage workers at McDonald’s wanted more money because 7 bucks an hour is not a livable wage no matter where you are in America. It was a super long segment and I’m gonna do my best to sum it up quickly because it was a lot of repeating of what was said the last time all of this was discussed. SO. No one on the show is an economist (and I’m not sure how many listeners are either) so they aren’t trying to have the answers. All they are doing is agreeing is that there is a problem. People who are working full time in menial jobs (not just fast food workers, but anyone who works full time hours and can’t make ends meet) deserve to make a wage that pays the bills and puts food on the table and in many jobs this is just not the case. There must be something that can be done on a corporate level to change this. The working middle class and the poor are facing a gap that’s larger than ever between them and the super rich (who just keep getting richer) and something has to be changed. There were a lot of callers who threw in their two cents and a lot of people were tweeting their opinions (shout out to @bitpimps and @mike_in_canada who didn’t have their noses up Tully and Ellis buttcrack for once…lmao) because it’s an issue that everybody feels passionately about. Ellis wants everyone to basically boycott fast food like McDonald’s and Chik Fil A since they are shit for you health wise and because they shit on the people who work for them. They both want people to be able to live. Fast food is a cog in the machine, they sort of need to be there, but there has to be a way to make it all work. The end. That’s all i’m saying here (even though I will say I do feel a blog coming on for Filterlessness).

Now, for some Cock News. Cialis is the shit! Apparently, you only need a half of one unless your junk is totally broken. Take a half of one of those puppies for a special occasion, go into bat-mode, and get your freak on. Back in 1983 there was a Urologist at a good old fashioned Urology convention who decided to do a presentation about the future of treatments for erectile dysfunction- that one day people would be able to take a pill and get hard. He then proceeded to share his discovery of a current treatment for erectile dysfunction which includes injecting a muscle relaxant directly into the penis making you hard for hours. He performed it on himself before beginning the lecture and stepped out from behind the podium, dropped his pants, and then urged members of the audience to experience the effectiveness by touching it. Women screamed and presumably ran from the building crying and scratching their eyeballs out because it was 1983. Finally…someone came across an article regarding how individual US States measure up…so to speak…and tweeted it to Tully which he gracefully stole and claimed as his own. Yeah, it was me. You’re welcome, Tully. The biggest dicks in the country belong to the men in the great state of North Dakota and the smallest peckers are hanging out in Mississippi…if you wanna know where your state lies click on the link.

In the spirit of charity, Ellis and Tully came up with a way to make some money for a charitable donation….TJES calendars!!! The calendars will feature members of the staff as well as friends from the show and all proceeds (not any of the Kim Kardashian percentage bullshit) will be donated to a charitable organization that wants their money. The calendar will feature Ellis, Tully, Jetta, Wilson, Katie, and (so long as they consent) Dingo, Jude, Johanna, Butterballs, Cumtard, and Christian in various scenarios including Wilson in a vat of beans with a confederate flag lanyard, Christian as Mr. Clean, Dingo as Princess Leia (complete with the buns), and Jetta in a bikini washing his Jetta. So many callers offered up wonderful ideas, and there was much protesting from Wilson about being in his vat of beans, even though it was he who suggested it in the first place.

Mike Jasper is in the studio (although at first he couldn’t get in) and they come back from the break talking about how people in Manhattan Beach are harassing Great White Sharks. Yes, you read that correctly, PEOPLE are going into the water to bully the SHARKS. Ellis is all for it, because then maybe the sharks will tell each other to lay off eating humans for a bit, and Tully is now convinced that when he was at a beach one town over that he did, in fact, see a shark. In other, much more sad news, a 9 year old boy in Compton was shot and killed in a drive-by, which sucks balls. Why is it always that innocent victims seem to be the victims instead of the targets when these guys are supposed to be gangster? Probably because they are asshole pussies who do it from far away.

Wrapping up the show Tully brings up that they are thinking about doing a new segment which involves them watching ridiculous television shows and then letting us know what they think of them, so they asked for listeners to tweet some suggestions for shows to watch, and then they were going to move on to the next segment. But they never got to the next segment as the phones began lighting up with suggestions from listeners who weren’t listening. But the guys didn’t mind and Tully compiled a list of shows for them to watch, and they decided to start with watching Turtle Man, which is a show about a backwoods man who does animal control with his bare hands and two teeth- suffering all the bites and spit along the way. Time for final calls? Yes, but no, because Adam is on the line waiting to not die and Ellis doesn’t wanna talk to anyone else because everyone really enjoyed the job that Adam did yesterday, and he did a fine job as well today.

Things we learned on the show today:

Porto’s is going to bring Ellis free pastries

Don’t dwell on your issues- do something about them

The 10s are pitting the 2s and 3s against the 1s

Ellis didn’t get the mummified 2 headed rabbit off Etsy :(

The Used gave a shout-out to DDD on twitter

A skinny neck means you probably have a skinny dick

Ellis was going to be a gigolo until Tony Hawk got him a job in radio

The Crocodile Hunter probably should have died wayyyyy before he died

Ellis is NOT GETTING FUCKING SICK

Coppertone has the most wide spread pedophillic ad of all time

Ellis goes around curing Koala’s of herpes

Friday night fights will be on Friday nights

Ellis will be on HLN with Dr. Drew again next Thursday

Don’t try to steal painkillers from 75 year old cancer patients

You can bid to hang out with Ellis for charity on charitybuzz.com and for a chance to prove you’re as cool as Betsey

 

 

 

Show Recap Wednesday 12/4/2013

I’m baaaaAAAAaaaaack!!! Did you miss me? You know you missed me. It’s okay to miss me. AND, you got me a day early! Which means, tomorrow, you will have had me two days in a row. Must be sweet to be you. Don’t disagree, everyone will know that you are lying.

But anyway, Welcome to the Fucking Tard Show!! Direct show-opening quote, just so you know, not my own personal judgement. Why is it the fucking tard show where Tully audibly opens his can of diet coke (chock full of life-choking artificial sweeteners, btw Tully) live for all of us to hear? Because Wilson didn’t play the new intro, which he didn’t throw Jetta under the bus for, which is probably a good thing overall since even though it’s Jetta’s job, Will has been doing it on the daily so Jetta didn’t know that he should have done it. Hopefully, from now on, all of that is figured out. Wilson is sick and needs to do some Dayquil and get his act together because he is extra-ragingly sarcastic and cranky at the beginning of the show. Do drugs, Will, just make sure that you do the right ones. For instance, Tully asks Ellis if he would ever take a pill that would make him retarded for a week. Ellis says no because that is way too long to be retarded, but he would consider taking one that did it for an hour, although even then he isn’t completely sold because he is afraid that he might never come out of it. As much as ignorance is bliss, it’s still kind of better to have all of your faculties and be able to try and work your way out of the misery that life brings. Tully brings up the Pleasure Box- a philosophical place where people who enter never leave but is told to consist of constant pleasureful things. Ellis wouldn’t take a trip into the Pleasure box, and neither would Tully, because they’re parents and have more important things to worry about. Ellis talks about how he wants to be a great father, and a great person, and to be able to recognize for himself that he has done great things…and he wouldn’t get any of that from the Pleasure Box. BTW, Tully would only take the pill that made him retarded if Jude had been doing it for about 5 years and suffered no ill effects…then he would probably dabble.

Ellis and Tully try to speak to Jetta in the green room to tell him that Wilson threw him under the bus by saying that he didn’t want to throw anyone under the bus, but Jetta can’t talk back because someone stole the microphone. Who stole the microphone? What the fuck? Don’t you fucking people know not to touch the stuff anymore? Ellis tells Jetta to find out what the Mexicans are doing, which Vanessa takes offense to, which Ellis tells her that she shouldn’t because she isn’t Mexican, she’s Cuban or something. La Vanessa informs Ellis that she is half-Mexican and therefore feels the need to take offense, until Ellis informs her that he has half-Mexican babies. Then all is right with the world. And yes, this is where one of the most racist TJES I have ever heard begins, but hopefully all the listeners know that they aren’t really serious…so stop fucking tweeting about it. They find who took the microphone, and it’s a Mexican guy whose name is never spoken, and it’s his third fuckup at this point, but his first one in a long time, which, once he points this out to Ellis in his wonderful accent, Ellis can no longer be angry. And all is right with the world because Ellis and Tully are amazing radio show hosts who can make it 43 minutes into a radio show that hasn’t started out well and make it entertaining as fuck.

Earlier today, Ellis had an adventure with Dr. Creepy (the dermatologist recommended to him by Tully) to have the lump on the side of his noggin looked at. Ellis confirms that Dr. Creepy is, in fact, creepy, but he has great skin for a man of his age. The good doctor informs Ellis that it is most likely a benign cyst, but he will remove it and have it checked out just to be safe as it is a little sketchy that it grew in size. Ellis manages to creep out Dr. Creepy by requesting that it be immediately removed and offering to pay extra money if the doc makes the scar on the side of his head sizeable. Cause chicks dig scars, man, or something like that. Ellis further creeps out Dr. Creepy by taking his shirt off in front of him to show another little lump on his back, which another doctor already declared ‘nothing’, and strangely a man who makes his living looking at skin tends to get awkward looking at…skin. To each his own. Ellis is having the lump removed later this week and even if it does turn out to be cancerous he won’t be all that bummed because he will just kick cancer’s ass. Tully notes that he has spoken to a few cancer survivors lately and thinks that, overall, the medical community is getting on its game so far as fighting cancer goes. Ellis says modern medicine and motor sports are the two things that he is thankful for so far as inventions by the white man, and Tully talks about how the Muslims deserve a fist bump so far as modern medicine goes. Why? Because during the time when the Catholic Church liked to excommunicate, ban, and kill those that disagreed with them, the white man sort of stalled in terms of medical advancement, but the Muslims kept it alive until we picked that ball up again.

Death Death Die!’s new album is still #1 on the Canadian Metal Charts and was #1 on American charts for a few days (currently #4), which is awesome, because they are awesome and they are breaking new ground every day. Ellis is in talks with his manager about a DDD! tour in Canada for 2014, so be looking forward to that my lovely, lucky Canookians. Wait a second, is DDD doing better in America than Avenged Sevenfold? Why, yes, yes it is! This causes Ellis to text a dick pic to M. Shadows informing him and telling him to eat his dick. LMAO. Ellis isn’t entirely sure if he should do it, but he did it anyway (after chubbing it up a bit because if you aren’t lying you aren’t trying, according to Tully, and because it’s not gay). M. Shadows responds to the text in a few minutes time and congratulates Ellis and tells him he’ll be buying the album later tonight. So, by this time, he probably owns it and is crying over the fact that he could have ridden Ellis’ coattails to the top.

You know how Progressive sort of screwed Ellis over with his Porsche (pronounced Poursh-uh) and Ellis promised a vendetta against them? Well, apparently Progressive decided to apologize and say that they mishandled the situation. So a couple guys from Progressive, a couple guys from Porsche, a couple mechanics, and Ellis all got together, threw the baby on the lift and set to testing it. The rear wheel wobbled which the mechanics confirmed would cause the car to shudder, because yes, both wheels hit the pothole, and yes that could cause the oil leak too. So, Progressive will be picking up the bill for the repairs and Ellis probably no longer feels quite as compelled to firebomb their headquarters. At least until the next time they try and fuck him over. They even gave him a rental car, a Cadillac, which prompts Tully to ask why so many rental cars are domestic. A couple of helpful callers offer their pearls of wisdom and inform Tully that domestic cars are easier to customize for less money and often rental places get deals on them because they are produced in higher numbers, meaning a lot of extra ones just wind up parking around and taking up warehouse space. Yes, listeners to TJES may just be smarter than google.

May be? Maybe? Maybe….prolly not though.

The Supreme Court recently shared their ruling on what I’m really sure was a waste of their valuable time and at the expense of countless tax dollars: Airlines are completely within their rights to revoke offers to frequent fliers per their own discretion. Why was this even a Supreme Court (that’s the highest court in the US in case you have been asleep your entire life) issue? Because some giant fucktard was pissed after getting his Northwest Airlines super special member rights revoked for complaining too much. He complained 24 times in 7 months, seven times about his luggage not coming out quick enough. By the way, Northwest did try and offer some compensation for this revocation of super special frequent flier status by giving him over a thousand dollars worth of travel vouchers, almost $500 cash money in his hand, 78,000 regular frequent flier miles, and a free flight for his kid. Man, whoever you are, you are what’s wrong with America. You are the guy that ruins it for everyone else. Shut up.

Come inside Ellis’ third brown eye. You know you want to. Just please, don’t make that noise when you call, because that’s a little more graphic than what we’re looking for. Ellis is up for a round of dream interpretation! He first interprets his own dream from last night which consisted of TJES being replaced M-F on Faction and being moved to the weekends, preventing him from seeing his kids. What does this mean? Obviously it is a culmination of his worst fears: that everything he has worked so hard for can so easily be pulled out from under him at SiriusXM’s whim, and that he will be forced to continue working at a time that interferes with his time with his kids, preventing him from being the best daddy that he could possibly be. Tully aslo shared a dream where he was inside the live action Super Mario Bros. movie, playing the game, which had the soundtrack done by Prince, and then Tully was Prince and had to continue getting through the game. Ellis attributes this to it being the Prince of Darkness’s birthday yesterday (Happy Belated) and the fact that Tully secretly desires to wear super tight pants. The only place that Tully would be accepted is in a surreal landscape like Super Mario World. Also, Super Mario World is an allegory for the booby-trapped studio where Wilson is constantly trying to destroy everyone with office chairs. Or something. A bunch of callers call to share their dreams including Bruce who dreamed he screwed his online Latin lover’s mama while wearing a white suit and fedora because men always wonder about fucking their ladies’ mums (but they shouldn’t do it), Jacob had an Ellismaniacross dream that sounded like a mix between Ellismaniacross and Mario Kart 64 Battle Mode with special guest star Gandolf where the guys were wearing necropants and Dingo was rastafarian- meaning that Jacob obviously listens to the show too much, Boon (his 16 year old self) had a dream where he and his sister were running through a junkyard trying to escape a junkyard giant attack gorilla and he escaped into the sewer with the Ninja Turtles but his sister was caught meaning that he is better at life than his sister, La Vanessa is a lesbian because she dreamed her cousin Vanessa was super hot and seduced her, and Lisa dreamed that she turned into a sperm and swam up through her own vagina while her boyfriend was banging her and she woke up touching herself…which means that girls have really weird wet dreams.

Do you know what’s cool? Coming home to moto gear with your name on the back and a Wolfmate patch on the butt courtesy of RCH. Yeah, that’s definitely cool.

The guys get to talking about hair and hair gel, which prompts Will to ask Ellis to feel his hair to tell him if it’s hard or not. Ellis refuses, but Tully offers up his paw for the job. What’s it like Tully? Apparently, Will doesn’t have a hair helmet as previously speculated…his hair is delightful and fluffy. Why does Will ask them about hairdo’s and clothes? Because it’s hard to get a real look at yourself because you’re, you know, yourself, and he is curious as to how others perceive him. Wait, is that a gray hair? Yes it is!!! But that isn’t a bad thing, Will, calm down. Wilson confesses that when he was younger he used to think that a receding hairline and grey temples were cool and he used to put lemon juice in his hair to lighten it at the temples. Tully also thought it was cool to have gray temple hair and when he was 16 bought dye and had his girlfriend attempt to gray his temple hair. Ellis shaves his head. But he does have gray in his beard, and he likes it. PatriotGuard.org is a style that we all can agree on.

Back from the break there is Breaking News. DDD! has debuted on the Billboard Indie Charts at the number 4 position beating out Insane Clown Posse, NoFX, Destroyer, A Perfect Circle, and the Black Crows Side Project (which just sounded like some guys name). Why doesn’t DDD get paid more for gigs? Because the more gigs you play the less money it costs to actually put them on, so there is more profit.

Jetta came up with a new game after perusing the craty website Etsy. Wilson is going to show the guys some pictures and read them descriptions of the products and they have to guess how much the things sell for. If you clicked on that link and were all, ‘WTF?’, the answer is yes, I did just link you to a different page on this same website that the fabulous @bitpimps put together wayyyyyyyyyyyyy faster than I could ever dream to get a recap done. So, in case you were ever wondering you can own:

  •  a copper meditation pyramid for $55
  • a claw predator ring for $125
  • a Haitian VooDoo penis enlargement charm for $9.87
  • a banana woman love doll (that you shouldn’t wash) for $700
  • a 7 1/2 inch Hentai Dildo with suction cups for $60
  • a dolphin stuffie with vagina for $33
  • a raccoon penis bone for $9.95
  • an heirloom custom seashell craft for $10
  • a mummified two headed rabbit for $40
  • a photo plate featuring a hawk eating a sea lion placenta for $69.99
  • a faux fur fox tail butt plug for $54.99
  • a padlocked Doritos locos taco for $55
  • a jar of human toenails for $25
  • a ‘Roshanda’ (penis titty with human and fur hair and teeth) for $95
  • a graduation day penis sculpture for $25
  • a crocheted pair of Adam and Eve for $75

How can you say no to that shit? Wal Mart is never gonna sell any of that!!! In fact, Will couldn’t say no to the heirloom custom seashell craft featuring Osama Bin Laden, and Ellis just couldn’t say no to the mummified 2 headed rabbit or the fox tail butt plug as Christman gifts for Katie (ensuring at least a 2 hour long blowjob for being the best boyfriend ever).

Is Bob Dylan a hatemonger? Probably not, even though he is under investigation by the French for statements that he made to the Rolling Stone that they felt incited hate. He is a darn tootin good radio host though. In other Hollywood news, Robert Pattinson (that guy that no one cares about anymore now that Twilight is over) has been accused of doing drugs, which he vehemently denied, and then posted a photo to instagram with cocaine in the background. Sharon Osbourne has admitted to having plastic surgery, and most importantly she had her vag rejuvenated- Happy Birthday Ozzy!!!! And lastly, Beyonce and Jay-Z have decided to go vegan for a while, which may positively influence some of their followers to make a good life change, even if only for a little bit.

Team RCH told Ellis that his motorcycle is being worked on and it is going to look exactly like all of the other bikes on the team. They also want him to do a photoshoot once the bike is done, and they are really really really treating him like a team member, which is awesome. He was invited to go to the Best Whips contest on December 21st, which is a Saturday so he won’t have to miss doing the show, and sign autographs and things like that. Super awesome.

And now, one of my personal favorites: Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack Camberetta, Asian Metal, Trucktagon, Hauly Shore, Asian Driver, Electric Dirt, Sparky Baldstocking, Slayer McAnthrax, Mech N’ Cheese, Irish Fuckpuppet, Pluck Lidell, Greasy Pole, Pussy Vag, Magnus Magnusson, Choo Choo Puffington, Tree Scalper, Pot Blocker, Haywood Yufistme, The Velvet Asshole, Skullbone, and Crapwagon.

Time for final calls and ramblings. Pat Sajak has a verified twitter with a bio reading “game show host, icon, sexagenarian” which is probably the most amazing thing ever. Welcome back from Afghanistan Danny!! An Edmonton Man is going to be spending 6 months in jail after stabbing his friend who was testing out his stab-proof vest (because yes, that is still a crime), and Ellis wants to thank the Red Dragons for continuing to send him awesome shit and he is looking forward to shooting an ad with them in the new year with Katie, RDS girls, and wolves. That’s right, wolves, motherfucker!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today:

Blame the NY guys because they aren’t listening and can’t defend themselves

Ellis relates to engines

Everyone loved Christian’s a capella music samplings from the greats yesterday

Ellis doesn’t like Hersheys

Ex-wifey found a typo in the divorce papers (in her favor) and alerted Ellis bc she is a sweet Ex-wife

Tully doesn’t want a celeb’s old phone number

Protest the war, not the warriors

Writing your ideas on actual paper makes them stick better

People miss sarcasm to an amazing degree

What’s the point of putting it on the internet if it’s not for fucking? -Jason Ellis

Ellismania.com has new videos up

Abe isn’t there for final calls

Ellis is going on the Pete Dominick Show next week & hopefully won’t be asked about politics

Don’t call the show if you’re a Republican Atheist Reality Specialist

Adam…re-capping the show is my job >_< lmao

Glad to be back, guys, see you tomorrow!!!! xo