As most of you already know, February 6th was Will’s birthday and the guys got him a gift that they thought he’d really, really love. That gift? A lap dance from Dillion Harper, Will’s fantasy crush. The Fuck Lord himself was caught a little off guard and in no time developed the dreaded “guy cramps.” You’ve no doubt heard the original full audio of the event by now, but for “scientific” purposes, our pal Mr. X required some editing to get to the essential parts. Warning: I am not responsible for how many longer lasting, higher volume, extremely potent wads you may shoot as a result of this audio. You might want to have an emergency contact ready to go on speed dial in case you experience dizziness, heart palpitations, or severe dehydration. And for Barry’s sakes, have your wad towel at the ready.
It’s Friday and everyone is busy telling social media how much they don’t give a fuck, and we here at NYA are usually no different. But today is special. Today is the birthday of someone you all know and love. Today is a day to give a fuck and celebrate. But keep it quiet…not everyone knows…and we’re planning a surprise…so let’s keep it for the end.
It’s Friday, nobody gives a fuck, including me. So peep this shit. To much hair on a man’s chest can present itself to be a… hairy situation. YEEEAAAHHH! It’s cool, you’re like a bear with all that, all that, all that hair. But it can be a little… overbearing. YEEEAAAHHH! Think you got a super hairy chest? Go sit next to a dog. You still think you got a hairy chest? Kick ass, the show keeps cutting in and out on me. Whatever. It’s Friday. Fuck it. Tully took some exception to people calling yesterday’s guest, Dillion, a cumdumpster or something. Come on people, let’s be a little respectful of Wilson’s spank bank material. Eric Bana,
Hugh Huge Jackman, and Chris Hemsworth are super Australian but Russel Crowe is not, he’s an imposter Aussie. Katie woke up perioding out on Ellis today, not bleeding, but bitching – but it happens to everyone and it’s all good. It happened to Tully’s kid today, he flipped his shit over a dirty diaper and had a typical baby meltdown whose cries spanned the gamut of emotions. Tully might have a cold sore. He noticed it before the AVNs, thank the powers that be. Tully recently found out he’s been drinking blood bubbles, his Soda Stream thing is based in occopied Jewville or something and people are all like, “Whuuuut?” and the other people are like, “Shyeaaahh!” so that leaves everyone else all like “Huh.” Tully will be watching some UFC this weekend and Ellis will be doing a wheelie on a horse this weekend. I know what you’re thinking, that’s impossible. I am here to tell you, it is indeed possible to watch the UFC. It’s on TV. Duh! Wilson popped in the studio and left just as quickly like a true prima donna. Break time!
Aaaand we’re back, with Shoebox. Scientists found out the great white sharks can live to be up to 70 years old. That means there’s some shark that remember when man landed on the moon and how bad he wanted to eat a man who landed on the moon. Did you know there exists a person who absolutely hates Wilson? I mean loathes his very existence, her name is Lori and she’s from Oregon and she’s on the horn. If you’re not catching on here with the “her” and “she’s”, we’re talking about a woman, with an opinion. She also works for the government and sounds like she might be a little bitter – and in lurve. Am I right? Of course I am. HEYOH! Speaking of foolery, the pizza guy stopped at Ellis’ place last night and asked if she shaved his dog. Problem was, he was speaking about the hairless cat. Dog, cat, whatever, now we’re talking about ducks. Wait. No. Let’s talk about who are the favorite guests that regularly come on to show. While coming up with the list of names, we find out the Shoebox has been in 3 movies and has blown somebody in all 3 movies, proving that art really does imitate life. (thank you Tully for that joke) Wilma Pendarvis was escorted into the studio, while on a conference call – a real one. While everyone on the conference call was listening, Wilma had to discretely describe what kind of underwear she was wearing – it was pretty hilarious. You catch that Lori? OH! Break time!
Aaaand we’re back, with news that you can now order Ellis’ new book, “The Awesome Guide to Life: Get Fit, Get Laid, Get Your Shit Together” This lead us into some Women, Am I Right? news with a woman who pulled a gun out of her vagina after a fight about aliens. Next up, a woman was arrested for breaking into a pet store to set puppies free, not her sweater puppies, but real life puppies. I know, bad joke. Next up, a New York woman punched a 70-year-old Walmart greeter lady in de face on Christmas eve over a disputed receipt. Just as duck news got shot down, women am I right news got shut down early because a guest had showed up, costing Ellis to lose his $10 bet with Shoebox on whether the guest would actually show or not. In comes Andy Dick. And boom, boom, boom, out go the lights. I can’t handle listening to him much anymore, so I drifted in and out of consciousness the entire time. I think they talked about addiction, fucking guys, fucking girls, pissing on people, and Tully making balls out of the headphone cords. Break time!
Aaaand we’re back, with You Sir Are a Moron. But first, there’s a lot of rape going on the world ducks. Ducks can have 17 inch long dicks and is constantly evolving to be able to rape female ducks. Meanwhile, the female ducks’ vagina are constantly evolving to thwart being raped, making it an arms race between male and female ducks. Okay, back to the game. Shit. I forgot to jot down the questions. Well, let me tell ya, there were some questions, that’s for sure! And Cumtard asked them, it’s true. I heard him. Break time!
Aaaand we’re back, and Andy Dick isn’t, he left. And then there was talk about Ellis’ new book, the one I mentioned above – scroll up – see it? That one. Okay, now look back here, here’s where you can pre-order signed copies of the book: awesomeguidetolife.com BAM! Will’s still not coming into the studio and his weekend has been ruined, all because of Lori – that harlot with her opinions. Speaking of maggots, a middle school warned that snorting Smarties may lead to nasal maggots. I’ve snorted Smarties when I was a kid, Fun Dip too, and I never got nasal maggots. You hear me kids? You’re safe to do pretend drugs. Wait. No. I don’t mean you should pretend to do drugs, but if you have or do, I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna get nasal maggots. Will finally came into the studio to air his grievances and share his feelings. Maybe Lori just got confused, HateBean is just the band name, not a command. And with that, I’m wrapping this baby up. But first, let me tell you this. One time I was in Prague and witness a woman getting an abortion, it was crazy! The only thing for me to say was, I guess you could call that a… cancelled Czech! YEEEAAAHHH!
Yeah…I’m starting this recap at a quarter after 11 at night, which is a full four hours (with some extra minutes thrown on top like sprinkles…because…everything is better with sprinkles) after the show ended. And, I always post the recap super late after the show. Why? You may be wondering? Well, because I drive around in a truck all day trying to fix shit and it takes me way more than four hours to listen to the show, and then when I get home I have to be a mom because the baby comes home on Thursday and I can’t find it in myself to ignore him after he’s been gone for two whole days and is beyond excited to see Jenny and Daddy…so I run around being the Robin to his Batman, the Craig to his Sanjay, and the Hermione to his Ron until I can put him to bed, cook dinner, and then negotiate rubs with Joe because I want to get this done and can’t his massage wait until after I’m finished typing because I swear on all that is Ho–no wait…I’m an atheist…I swear on all that is the Chubby Bub that if he waits until after I’m done then the rubs will be extra good? Yeah…that’s what I’m getting at. I swore on the life of my kid that I would give him a bitchin’ massage so long as I could get this done first. For you, ellisfam, for you.
Now…to your regularly scheduled programming…
Welcome to Thursday’s edition of The Jason Ellis Show where anything goes!!! Well, for one thing, Ellis’s youth is going- far, far away, as far as he will tell it, for he now has white hair a-sproutin’ on his ball sac. He finds it weird, but kind of funny, and now his balls sort of remind him of Santa Claus. Santa does carry a sack…so…works for me. Jason also says that he thinks that he is weirdly tan for a white guy, must be all the drugs, and that makes the white hair poking out of the flesh of his testicles even more weirdly amusing. Tully, who is not wearing shoes and is laying on the floor of the studio because once upon a time he said that he was going to do that, thinks that ball hair is the single most grotesque element of the male figure. Damn. But he’s enjoying laying on the studio floor so long as he doesn’t look at himself in the mirrored ceiling. Ellis disagrees with Tully about ball hair….as long as it’s white ball hair, because white ball hair is about as offensive as eyelashes. Tully has really light hair on his nuts- a pretty strawberry blonde hue, which is also pretty offensive- and they start talking about selling pubic hair creations on the one site where anything is possible so far as crafting goes- Etsy.
Ellis starts talking about his Porsche that he’s had for about a year now and how he (Katie) accidentally found secret compartments in the doors that he didn’t know were there- because he’s a man and men don’t read manuals, especially when you’re a man who can hardly read anything- and they were chock full of goodies left there by the previous owner, the illustrious Thomas Hayden Church. There was some speak of goodies that are oftentimes held by lanyards which brought Will into the studio in a flurry of lanyard excitement and we were treated to hearing some more from our new favorite one man band HateBean. Will then tells Ellis and Tully how he got a really angry phone call from a Faction listener at 7:30 in the morning about HateBean being played too much on Faction and he was pissed about it and gave the caller another number to call, when we all know that he should have given the caller the information for the website link to the Faction Board of Directors aka the appropriate place to talk about the music that is played on Faction- according to Will. Then Will had shit to do and left the studio paving the way for Tully to tell us about his visit to the dentist this morning. Tully admittedly has horrible teeth and hates going to the dentist and says that usually it’s a big ordeal and doesn’t get the normal order for a 6 month check up and is instead told that he should come back the next month- supposedly to have some teeth yanked out of his face. Ellis tells him that he should get silver teeth, and I agree, because that’s kind of hot. But they should be pointy, because if you’re gonna go for a mouth full of metal teeth, you may as well go pointy and scare me a little. Tully said that the dental hygienist girl was cute and he engaged in some innocent flirting with her (read- he talked about his kid since that’s his go-to small talk, but probably did it with a really awkward grin on his face stretched around that plastic thing they shove in your mouth to keep you from biting the dentist) and everything was going okay in the flirting department until she looked in his mouth and the tide changed. He got a cleaning today and left the office with a sour stomach after swallowing all of the gunk the dentist scraped off his molars and the hygienist neglected to suck out of his mouth. Ew. That’s wayyyyyyyy more offensive than white ball hair. Christian pops up in the prize chamber and he is going to be on the show tomorrow…and for a while today since he’s there and Ellis starts talking to him about HateBean and Will being a modern day Beck, at which point i tuned out a little because Joe spit on me (sort of on accident) and we were laughing about that for a bit. Because for some reason that was really funny, and it’s funnier now since it’s sort of like foreshadowing. For what? Wait and see, my friends, wait and see…
In Hollywood News….Justin Bieber was arrested in Florida this morning, in Miama, for drag racing while under the influence of being Justin Bieber. Or drugs…probably drugs. He resisted arrest, admitted to smoking pot and taking some prescription meds and failed the field sobriety test. He was driving a yellow Lamborghini that he had rented and he and the car that he was ‘racing’ were pulled over for doing 60 in a 35. Fast and Furious that one is. The real reason he got pulled over? The cop wanted to make a dick out of him for doing 60 in a car that can go around 200 MPH and reveal the Biebs for the little weenie that he is.
Ellis is still sick, but he feels awesome today, compared to the death that he was feeling over the past week. The kids are also on the mend and Ellis made an offhand comment about how someone stole his phone this morning and didn’t want to give it back. Wait. What? I’m envisioning a scenario where caps are gonna bust asses when he first says it, but it turns out that when Ellis was sropping McSpiegels off at school this morning a lady outside of the school asked to borrow his phone because she HAD to make a call right that second. Ellis, being the good guy that is buried under all those tattoos somewhere, lent the lady his phone so she could make her call. Let the foot tapping begin. The lady starts walking off and chatting in another language, and Ellis starts walking Tiggs to the school, as they were both generally going in that direction. Enough time for an ’emergency’ phone call to be said and done, but the lady is still talking and Ellis gets the lady’s attention to try and say ‘Hey, this is where I’m going, give me back my phone’ and she goes to follow him into Tiger’s school. Ellis manages to stop her without being all “what the fuck are you doing?” (which is my go-to) and eventually gets his phone back from the lady- who acts all put out about it. Seriously, bitch? But, I mean, this is Beverly Hills, and she was a Beverly Hills lady, so of course she felt entitled to go chit chatting away on some strangers phone and how dare he have places to be and need that phone back!!!!!!! They talk about bitches in Beverly Hills and the surrounding areas and how they have a rampant sense of self-entitlement, which is probably aided by prescription medication, and tend to bump into cars and run over dogs without stopping because, well, your Porsche isn’t even this year’s model you low-life.
Christian and Ellis are the fattest that they have ever been in their lives, which is already sort of kind of untrue because Ellis started the Dolce Diet two days ago and he is already feeling better about himself. Huntington Beach Bad Boy (who popped up in the studio about two and half minutes prior to this) started the Dolce Diet four weeks ago and he has lost some weight, is looking good, feeling great, and shows off his abs to Ellis, Tully, and Christian. Ellis talks about how Dolce hit the nail on the head with the whole ‘eat frozen grapes at night’ thing, which Ellis had been skeptical about, and also texted Ellis a new snack idea consisting of that weird bread they eat that I don’t want to try and spell right now, almond butter, and strawberries. Ellis tells Christian about Tyler Posey being their new band mate and how it’s great because even if TyPo can’t make it for a show, they just need to throw a wolf costume on someone and tell him not to tweet for an hour and all of the bases will be covered.
Back from the break Nick Gullo (@NickTheTooth on tweeeeeter) is in the studio. Do you know who he is? Because I didn’t, but he’s been friends with Dana White since they were kids and he wrote a book about all things behind the UFC scenes called Into the Cage: The Rise of the UFC Nation. Sounds like a pretty interesting book filled with all sorts of goodies that no other press has ever gotten their hands on because they don’t have connections like someone who has been friends with the founder of the UFC organization since childhood. Ellis says it has a lot of really cool photos that he can’t wait to look at later in life when he has some extra time on his hands. Nick the Tooth was a really great guest and if you didn’t get a chance to hear him, my recap will do him no justice, so hopefully you can listen to it on demand. They talked about him being able to pull of the ‘look’ of missing a tooth from the front of his face, lotslotslotslots of UFC stuff including a story about how he fought/sparred/tussled with Joe Lauzon in the actual octagon after a drunken dinner fight between Nick and someone wearing a Lauzon shirt, Dana White’s dark side, the evolution of the UFC, boxing, kickboxing, training, and all of that awesome good face-punching stuff. Like I said, I really enjoyed him as a guest and I could basically transcribe the entire segment, but it still wouldn’t be the same as listening to it. Grappling. He called it a grappling match with Joe Lauzon!! I remembered the word!!! Nick does apparently want a rematch of that grappling match, where he was submitted 6 times by Lauzon, because he believes that he can get it down to being submitted 5 times as he trains and he won’t be hungover next time.
Back from the next break….there is another guest who Will is super excited about having on the show because he loooooooooooooves her. Dillion Harper, is not just any Porn Star, she is the 22 year old Porn Star of Naughty Nanny fame whom Will is absolutely over the moon for!!! During this segment I am basically imagining him as having the heart eyed emoji for a face throughout with his hands clasped in front of him in a plea to God that this moment in his life never ever ever end. Or at least he would, if Ellis and Tully didn’t make the whole experience an absolutely terrible ordeal for him by asking him normal questions that anyone would ask like, ‘what do you like most about her’ .Will says that he likes her eyes and her personality (which really sets my creeper radar off because normally a guy would be like ‘she has awesome tits’ and he’s seriously moon eyed for her to the point where he’s trying to talk about a porn star’s acting ability) but eventually is cajoled by Tully into pointing at which part of her he really likes on a picture. It’s her boobs. Biiig surprise there. Ellis asks to see her boobies so that he can get an accurate idea of how fabulous they are, and judges them to be just about the best boobies in America. And yes, they are all hers.
After Dillion leaves the studio it’s time for a game. With no name. But it might be named What’s in my Box? The jist is that listeners call into the show and choose either option A- to receive a prize, or B- to torture Cumtard. The catch is that you don’t know if the prize that you will be receiving is awesome or awesomely bad, but the torture is guaranteed to be awesome. Callers call, the first prize is a Jason Ellis/RDS t-shirt to the selfish selfish man who would rather have a prize than be entertaining and then Cumtard is tortured by way of eating a bug-filled sandwich, drinking tea brewed by the sole of a random shoe found on the bus, having his armpits simultaneously waxed, having his pubes glued to his face Hitler-stache style, and having Ellis hock a big sick loogie across his face (see!!! there’s the bit that was foreshadowed!). Cumtard takes it all in stride, because he is awesome that way, and describes the sensations of each torture. The descriptions get worse, but more entertaining, as they turn into shrieks and screams which are dutifully narrated by Tully while Cumtard Purell’s his face and neck after being spit upon with the spunk from Ellis’ sick lungs. The last, of I believe 2, to get a prize is Allie, who is 39 and not massive, and she wins a voicemail recording from Jason Ellis himself with background music of Cumtard being shocked. It was a great recording with Cumtard screaming in the background and reached its peak of hilarity (in mine and Will’s opinion) when he starts screaming ‘after the beep’ multiple times, his voice rising an octave with each exclamation. This could be the birth of a ‘freaky sounds’ app.
Ellis’s new book is due out in a couple of weeks and has gotten its first review from Publisher’s Weekly, which Tully has heard of, and it’s a very good review. Tully is happy that they manage to see the true meaning underneath the comedy and so far as Ellis is concerned, he doesn’t ever want to hear another review of his book because that one was so awesome. They call it ‘entertaining’ and Ellis talks about how he didn’t write it- he lived it, which is awesome because it’s kind of a stock phrase for writers and Ellis makes it funny on multiple levels as he did in fact live it, and no, he did not write the book- we all know that Tully did. They get to talking about Noel Gallagher and Oasis and how he did commentary of sorts of videos that Oasis did back in the day. His commentary is hilarious in how scathing it is, how drunk he was the whole time he was shooting music videos, and Ellis and Tully agree that Oasis is cool and so is Noel Gallagher. Back to talking about the book, Ellis wants to do a stunt for the book’s release to help draw attention to himself, the radio show, the book, and SiriusXM, and he and Tully muse about ways to make it happen. The ideal setting, they conclude, would be in New York City (yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! I swear to Sol that I will fucking be there if this is true!!!!!!) in front of or in the SiriusXM fishbowl where he will attempt to escape an enclosure before snakes can be dropped on him to bite him. They talk about getting press there, creating the spectacle, and getting on tv shows. The show wraps up with them going through the buttons and I seriously zoned out because they were playing sounds for a solid 15 minutes. Some choice commentary during this time includes: “Irish Jazz- the worst of all worlds” “that’s a theme, not a song” “you can hear his dick playing the guitar” “Jetta’s intro music may have been found” “easily Robin Hood’s balls” and “Necro….til I die”. Finally, Ellis announces that they are going to try something new and calls Cumtard in. Cumtard attempts to ahem ::cough cough:: recap the show…and he kind of really badly flops. Sorry Cumtard…this is my gig…on Thursdays, anyway…
here is how it’s done-
Things We Learned on the Show Today:
White ball hair is as inoffensive as eyelashes
Will loves injecting mystery to create drama
Be prepared to suffer the consequences if you as Kevin for a ride home on New Comic Book Wednesday
Will is a modern day Beck
There should be a hidden camera show that revolves around people borrowing strangers phones for as long as possible to see how long they can last
There are only 3 ages in Beverly Hills: young, old, and somewhere in the middle
Rich guys marry 25yo’s because they are just done listening
Huntington Beach Bad Boy can’t pick up a Boston Terrier
Hairless cats are fucking awesome and can relate to humans better since they don’t look like all the other cats
Donald Schultz got engaged (congrats!)
You can throw water into the air in subzero temperatures and it will freeze before it hits the ground (if you’re gonna try, it works best with hot water because the hotter water is the faster it freezes because science is fun like that)
Turn the WiFi up!
Am I gay or not? You decide!
You should never post your own wanted sign to taunt cops on Facebook and then meet a woman for drinks 45 minutes later
Sicilians are black
Sicilians are in the mob
Lubing up before a grappling match is not a good idea
Dana White is Dana White as you see him. No bullshit.
If something doesn’t save boxing soon, it’s going to be too late
Bloody Face is the most distracting thing in the octagon
There is an Instagram TJES/RDS giveaway…go check @wolfmate for details
Dillion Harper is probably not a good driver, but she’s a lovely person
Will’s ex wife doesn’t listen to the show, but she does ridicule him afterward (:/)
Bug Sandwiches taste like sawdust
Raw Oysters make Will vomit like Cumtard vomits for onions
HateBean has a twitter acount. So does Hate_Bean.
If you walk around with your pubic hair, it will be used against you
Oasis is cool
Randomly suggest nonsense, and music video directors will film it
Tully can’t get down the street because David Blaine is on a pole
Tweet @jasonellisshow the music that you want to hear on Faction tomorrow
Go to patriotguard.org