Literally and figuratively. Full of shit.
Welcome to Wednesday and welcome to this recap, bitPimps here filling in for your usual Wednesday host CrackerStacker6. He’s busy playing grown up with work stuff, so you’re stuck with me. Deal with it. Ellis might try some transinmental demonstrations, also known as transcendental meditation, which of course is also known as letting your cock do the feeling for you – literally. He also thinks he’s got 2 ingrown hairs above his dick from the waxing, making it look like a face down there. Katie tried to pop them shits and get the hair out and she also popped a pimple on Ellis’ back, because she’s a ride or die bitch. Tully’s got a wicked pimple on the back of his earlobe that he just can’t get. Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s show on HLN last night. They talked about War Machine and how some people are backing him beating up his ex-girlfriend because, trifling bitches be getting outta line. Then they talked about the recently leaked nude photos of celebrities like Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton, also known as “The Fappening”. I got a shout out for sending Ellis a tweet last night about the topic which spurred him to drop a sweet little mini-bomb on Drew’s show, it was pretty hilarious because it broke this bitches brain to the point she couldn’t even finish her sentence and the rest of the panel was left a bit speechless. Oh, live broadcast Friday from the Roosevelt, 15 girls gargling cum and spitting it into each other’s assholes! There’s a contest too, if you can get to Hollywood on Friday, you can be eligible to win your shot at being a part of this massive dick-ka-bob orgy fest, plus you could walk away with all kinds of free kick-ass shit. Hit up WolfknifeOfTheYear.com or MissWolfknives.com to enter and win!
Hollywood News time, Cee Lo Green is stupid and might be getting fucked in the buttocks for saying kind of getting convicted of rape and kind of saying it ain’t rape if the bitch is unconscious. Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie got married! Did you just cum? Corey Feldman got divorced or something! Did you just cum again? Justin Bieber wrecked his ATV into someone’s minivan and got into a fight so now he’s in trouble again. Clean up your cum. As well all know, Suge Knight got shot the fuck up, maybe because he was going to be a rat and write a book about some dirty deeds done dirt cheap. Spray some Febreze, it still smells cummy. Chris Tucker owes back taxes for 2001, 2002, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2008, and 2010 – for a grand total of $14M! Holy shit man. You just
got knocked the fuck out lost your home and cars! The lead singer of Survivor died, ironically – Survivor, get it?
A listener (Ryan) sent in an electric fly-swapper / bug zapper racket thing, so of course it had to be tested on Cumtard. Tully shocked Cumtard’s bare ass and flab-abs for awhile, it sounds like we might have a new torture device for the show. Then Wilson brought in his massive white meat, ham hock shins for a zapping on his bad knee. I don’t think it helped, but tomorrow will be the real indicator. Cumtard got another zap on his ear and saw God. World’s Greatest Wednesday, who in their own mind, believes themselves to be – at their peak – the world’s greatest person? Whether they are or not. Here are your top 10, in order:
- Kanye West
- Dan Bilzerian
- Genghis Khan
- William Shatner
- Kim Jong-un
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
- Steven Seagal
- Hulk Hogan
- Charlie Sheen
- Muhammad Ali
Floridians have been put on alert by a fat, furry caterpillar that makes itself a home in the trees there. The catch? It’s covered in venom and will fuck your shit up quick, son. But enough about furry little caterpillars that will kill you, it’s time for What’s On My Face! Cumtard will be competing against Ellis, both will be wearing the “cone of shame” that dogs wear when they get their nuts clipped. Cumtard gets the first mystery item, which turned out to be honey. Ellis missed his guess, which turned out to be wet toilet paper. Cumtard scores his second point by guessing the next item, chewed up bubble gum. Ellis scores his first point by guessing a stick of butter. Cumtard guessed his next item pretty easily because Jetta cracked an egg on his forehead and dumped it into the cone of shame. Ellis managed to guess his next item, vaseline. I’m near pissing myself at this point between the egg and vaseline. Cumtard finally guessed his next item, it took him awhile, but he finally got it – a tampon. Ellis got his next item pretty quickly as it ran into his eye, it was yogurt. Cumtard can’t stop smelling cum and shit and now his next item is leaking into his eye as well, but he powered through and guess it, it was pork-n-beans. Ellis can’t stop guessing seriously dead meat, he’s losing composure on this one as Hotdog keeps smushing this thing into his face & head. He never regained composure and failed to guess the item, a raw chicken foot. Cumtard just got waterboarded so he guessed it pretty quickly, but was terrified as he almost drown. Ellis guessed his next item pretty quickly as well, probably from the stench & suction, it was an octopus tentacle. Cumtard heard the words you never want to hear for his next item, among the various “OH NO!” and “I don’t know where that one went” comments, he finally guessed it, meal worms. Ellis guessed his right way as it got a shock collar right to the face. Cumtard got his next item right away too, permanent marker being scribbled on his face. Ellis didn’t take long fo guess his last item either as it started to freak out on his face, it was a gecko. For those of you not keeping score, Cumtard won the contest. Recapping it just doesn’t do it justice, you should really go back and listen to the bit, it was pretty fucking hilarious.
I don’t know if this proves there is no God, or it proves there is a God, but this Brazilian man was born with an upside down head and became a public speaker! Christ on bike, that image will fucking haunt you for the rest of your life, or at least for the rest of today. The man who shut down a kid’s lemonade stand is now under investigation, and not just for being a massive dickhead. Oh, by the way, check out Faction. Some of Ellis’ 2 hour pre and 2 hour post show music selections are starting to work their way into the mix! That pretty much wraps up the show and this recap. I hope you enjoyed yourself. And now, back to your regular scheduled programming.
Remember the Speech Jammer bit on the show Thursday? Our esteemed colleague @CrackerStacker6 put the speech jammer and his lyrical skills to the test with “Target Practice” by @CassetteCoast and “Put Your Balls On It” by Death! Death! Die! The results? Fucking golden. Don’t believe me? Listen for yourself.
So obviously there was no show today. And what happens when we’re all bored because our favorite radio show isn’t live? We find a way to stave off boredom, that’s what we do. So I decided it was time to play a game called #PendarvisAndSides The premise? Wll has died and said we could eat him, so people pitched in ideas for ways to eat Will and the sides that could go along with Will. Like a massive Thanksgiving feast with all sorts of food, anything and everything went. This gave me the idea, with all this food, we needed a menu so people could easily choose what they wanted. Thus, the Pendarvis Grill & Pub was spawned. Thanks to everyone who participated, we now have a menu! Let’s check it out.
* Nutrition chart unavailable.
中 Our Menu 中
Lil’ Will Smokies
Will’s fingers & toes smoked until tender and then lightly cooked in a sweet glaze, served with a mixed fruit and Will eye / testicle salad, topped with crushed pecans and cigarette ashes.
Will skin chips, lightly salted, with his ball cheese, sweat, & salsa for dipping
A small portion of baked, boneless, and skinless Will on a bed of rice pilaf and served with green beans almondine.
Will bacon cooked to perfection with a hint of maple and Marlboro, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise, served with sweet potato fries.
Slow smoked (in tobacco), hand pulled Will sandwich with chipotle mayonnaise and pickle slices, served with baked beans and cantaloupe.
Pendarvis confit served with deviled eggs and a pack of your choice from Philip Morris.
Thick slices of Pendarvis roast served with candied yams and collard greens.
Will medallions smothered in gravy and topped with melted provolone cheese, served with potatoes au gratin.
Fresh cuts of Will dry rubbed and slow smoked for 24 hours, served with mashed potatoes and corn on the cob.
A generous portion of mac-n-cheese with sliced pieces of all beef Will, served with a deep fried Twinkie.
Rack O’ Pendarvis
A half rack of Pendarvis spare ribs, served with coleslaw and cornbread.
Tender pieces of Will with an assortment of fresh peppers, onions, melted cheese, and a shiny shin salad.
Alabama Fried Will
Breaded & fried Will breasts, served with mashed potatoes & gravy and a biscuit.
Willwurst with sour kraut, served on a lightly toasted bun with a dab of spicy mustard.
Tender, slow smoked cut of Will meat, served with coleslaw and beans.
Yippee Ki Willay Burger
Will burger cooked to perfection, topped with onion strings, and with your choice of cheese, and condiments, served with onion rings.
Sweet Home Alabama, Will’s Bad Mama Jama
Deep fried Pendarvis shins with crispy onions and home fries.
Pendarvis Plantation Special
Smoked Will hocks served with collard greens.
Fancy Pants Pendarvis
Bacon wrapped 6 or 9 ounce filet of Will, served with roasted garlic mashed potatoes and grilled asparagus.
Hairless Sir Pendarvis
A tender cut of Will sirloin steak, served with chemotherapy.
Sign Your Will
Our famous PenChowder.
Smokey Will dogs topped with crumbled bacon bits, served with potato salad.
Will’s meaty hands fried to perfection in his own belly fat and served with gravy.
Rise ‘N Regret
Eggs Willy cooked to order, served with hashbrowns, bacon, champaign and orange juice, and a lifetime of regret.
Your choice of Pendarvis and waffles or Pendarvis scrapple with eggs, topped with ketchup and tobacco spit.
中 Desserts 中
Deep fried Twinkie, pecan pie, bread pudding, and cupcakes with brown frosting.
中 Beverages 中
Pepto-Bismol, Iced Tea, Mountain Dew, Mountain Dew, and Mountain Dew.
Thanks to: @TwistedMetalFab, @shit_toboggan, @emilyinSD, @eastcoasttully, @Cody_McCraw92, @sharkchucker, @mike_in_canada, @J_Chappel, @Truk_Norris, @Scarlet_Kitty, @willfromcowtown, @thegooser, @mighty_boognish, @CrackerStacker6, and of course me, @bitPimps, because I’m an attention whore!
Well slap my sister upside the trailer, how the hell how ya #EllisFam? It’s Thursday, so only got a few more hours of giving a fuck before we let our true internal loverboy loose cause everybody’s working for the weekend. Look, I’m sorry for that last one, here’s how your uncle Ghostload, and the fine folks at NoYouAre can make it up to you. Before we can get to that, let me introduce you to the highly paid and very well off staff you vicariously live through each and every day…..
@bitpimps (He’s on everything really, twitter, instagram, your mom, etc.)
Bit got his NYA proverbial dick wet before all of us. He’s the ace, the guru, and has possibly the most free time as you see on twitter. He was the first to ever post on the site, with what was just a general monthly overview of the show back in December of 2011, but read the last paragraph and you’ll see why he’s well BitPimps! The idea of the doing these more often didn’t take much longer to blossom, and thus was born our first daily recap on January 23, 2012, and also the birth of something even
bigger smaller than that, but we’ll get to that tomorrow.
@AZ_RedDragon (Same as bit, usually at same time too!)
AZ is just the man, up front, right out the gates. He’s definitely the muscle and our heart of NYA, and who better to tell you he he is, well than himself in his first ever post back in January 2012. From there is was just cases of beer and anal with your mom for a month or so, until we were blessed with the first of many well worth the wait recaps on March 14, 2012. It was a Wednesday by the way, read up on who or what…..
@wiz1010 (a.k.a. Ghostload, also like other two above, but Im filming!)
Ghostload’s like the guy who talks in 3rd person, ya know the face figure of NYA, sorta like the Puff Daddy to NYA’s Biggie. Now Ghostload came out the box swinging hard, with pictures n all, well mostly all with his first recap on October 10, 2012. It’s pretty much been downhill since there, but the kid’s got a lot of swagger so anything’s possible. Be sure to get it up ya on twitter, instagram and at your mom’s house.
@CrackerStacker6 (a.k.a Branden, same as others above, but with more style)
Branden is the disturbingly creative mind of the NYA and keeps us all on our toes, and sleeping with one eye open. Once he joined the NYA crew it was immediately off with the hulk gloves n Branden went hard in the muthafucking paint with his first recap on January 30, 2013. He’s is definitely an intricate part of all this chaos, and your mom’s anus as well!
@shit_toboggan (a.k.a. Alex, again ditto as above, but usually no one makes it out alive)
Now if I’m not mistaking, I believe Alex is the only of us all to compete in EllisMania, so fucking shout out for that shit! He joined the NYA ledges and just went ape-shit on the keyboard on his first recap back on February 5, 2013. Since then he’s been shoplifting your attention, and your mom’s monthly government checks!
Now if your still reading this, your probably taking me seriously on the whole I’ll make it up to ya. Well, truth is you can go fuck yourself for all I care, unless your EllisFam, which again if your still reading this your probably are. So for you, I have pulled a few random favorite recaps of mine for you to jerk it to. Enjoy….
February 7, 2012: All kinds of goodies here, Rude Jude, DanOD5, and of course the NMT discover of Die Antwoord, fuck yeah!
May 25, 2012: Classic Picture and MMA is 5% gay!
July 2, 2012: Bit’s true identity is leaked by AZ, I probably shouldn’t have pulled this one but fuck it.
August 17, 2012: Ellismate finally on TMZ? Doing stuff with Gabi, so hot!
September 20, 2012: Dog Center!!! Oh, and the birth of Jizz Cult.
November 19, 2012: The “You Don’t Know Shit About Ellis” game. Fuck I didn’t even remember this.
December 6, 2012: Mike Dolce’s diet. The last time we ever hear from Dana White.