Leezus Christ, I have one three day weekend, and the next thing you know everybody comes in on Tuesday thinking I should drop everything to solve their socio-economic problems by way of auto repair. And that god damn phone won’t stop ringing no matter how many old-timey poxes I place upon it. It’s a fuckin’ madhouse in here folks! Luckily for me, only a few more weeks before I get to go pedal to the medal across the border while dropping a deuce out the window and burning my draft card. In the meantime though, ELLIS SHOW! I’m sure they’re gonna be having a day much like mine cause that’s what happens when federal holidays fall on a Monday. The show kicked off with Jason reminding himself that short weeks are fucking sweet cause you don’t have to put up with everybody else’s bullshit quite as much before the weekend is back again! Also, he’s stopped having sweaty palms, which is always a plus. Tully is beginning to think he’s passed his own sweatiness down to the McGook baby but that still remains to be seen. Jason still holds the record as sweatiest bastard at his gym though, so Tully’s gonna have to step his game up. The guys talked for a bit about people with fast metabolisms and how it makes them have small boobs, but that’s not a bad thing because (speaking as a human male between the ages of birth and death) titties are just fantastic. There’s gotta be something really wrong with them for anybody to really have a problem with them. Tully had to chase a toddler with pants full of shit over the weekend and almost broke his foot on the coffee table or something, I kinda missed it. Ellis keeps getting cakes to enjoy with the family cause when you’re divorced with children, presents really do buy the love of your offspring. The only problem is, Tiger can’t keep his mouth shut and got greedy by trying to see if Mom would one-up Dad but that just started an argument. Jude stopped by for a little bit to rub the guys faces in it that he didn’t have to hang out with his kid and instead got to hang out with a fuck load of lesbians, which would certainly have some high points for pretty much anybody to be involved in. The guys talked for a while about how bitches be too god damn jealous, especially when you’re the only penis in a party full of taco bumpers, because you’re basically the greatest anatomical competition that could exist. But Jude has seen dude’s get just as clingy when they land that hail Mary date with somebody way out of their league and go way too hard trying to let everybody know who they’re trying to lay claim to. Joan Rivers is in the hospital right now, cause she’s old and sometimes old people get old and have health problems. The boys talked about Joan Rivers for a while cause despite how much you might not care to see her on some red carpet event show, she has led a pretty interesting and crazy life. Jason decided if Ryan Reynolds ever played him in a Lifetime movie about Jason and Andrea’s relationship, he would get really bummed out from beyond the grave. Tully informed Jude that Juggalos are a gang in the eyes of the FBI, and it really goes to show you that the law has it’s finger in it’s own asshole, and very far from the pulse of the American public, because I’ve seen football fans do more damage than the Juggalos ever have, not to mention that the NFL is a non profit organization that still has all kinds of officially licensed merchandise for some reason or another (it’s like rich people are trying to dodge taxes or something riiculous like that!). It does have to feel a certain kind of special to maintain a job where you dress as an evil clown and write ridiculous rap music and the United States Government is keeping their eyes on you. It’s like living in that one punk squat that the cops refuse to raid because the head of the house makes sure everybody is enrolled in school or something. Jude went to a gathering of the Juggalos back in 1999 or 2000 and said it was some of the weirdest shit to hang out in, being at the upstairs room of a pool hall after an ICP concert and there’s white girls named “Crystal” in clown makeup and Violent J and Shaggy just kind of hung around looking out over the crowd like a king observing his servants. Somehow, this brought up the topic of jousting cause that would be some hilarious shit to have as an EllisMania type event where a bunch of dudes who’ve never ridden a horse get to attempt to seriously maim whichever drunk fuck was too inebriated not to sign the release form and got roped into it by his terrible friends. WILSON came in to let Jason know that there’s classes a person can take to become officially licensed to joust and that seemed to perk his spirits right up. The guys talked childhood architecture, namely kiddie pools and fort building and how from time to time people come up with really incredible shit for kids to occupy themselves with for almost no money at all. Back to jousting talk for a moment, just cause it’s so likely that a person could get impaled doing it, Tully found a news story (that I sent him) about a woman who was texting while driving and ended up going off the side of the road and was impaled through the legs and booty by a piece of the guardrail. Just goes to show you that texting and driving can only be properly failed if you’re a woman and can’t grasp the concept of speech-to-text input. And of course, who the fuck else would willingly talk to news crews fresh out of the hospital after getting impaled through the culo? While we’re on the topic of impalement, Jaosn is gonna be taking a jousting class with a bunch of other people participating, or not, he may just camp out there so he can cram a 3 day course into one, and it should probably be a weekend, but you’re invited if you can make it, but it’s not likely gonna all be on Jason’s credit card, but the pricing is competitive. If you remember from last week, the guys made some art and one of them may include Tully’s actual pubes, so if you go on eBay you can totally have Tully’s pubes framed and hanging on your wall! In case you didn’t notice (cause nobody really keeps track) Piolin is no longer on Sirius/XM and that’s great for Jason because now ther’s a whole spare studio that’s not clogging up their internet bandwidth and can be used for some of the more messy endeavors that may occur on the show, like dousing an intern in vomit or performing living cremations. Some people called in to give Jason the rundown on jousting and someone on twitter said it’s the perfect entrance for Horse Force’s first concert, which I heartily agree with. Our old friend tranny Sean called in to check in and let the guys know that he’s doing OK and that he’s gonna be getting a penis put on sometime hopefully real soon. BREAK TIME YA FUCKING WANKERS!!!
BUY THE WOLF PICTURES ON EBAY CAUSE ALL THE MONEY GOES TO CYSTIC FIBROSIS!!! Well, not every picture of a wolf, but the ones from the Ellis show. Remember when Russia sent a space capsule full of geckos into orbit to see their response to endless anti-gravity fucking? Well, like most things the Russians thought were a great idea, the geckos are all dead. As is that one Discovery Channel show “Sons of Guns” cause it’s about as educational as Naked and Afraid, whoops, that’s also a Discovery show, well whatever cause at least no one on that show is being accused of raping a child like the guy on Sons of Guns. Police had to come shake down a coffe shop called Java Juggs cause it might also be a den of hedonistic behavior, which I think is the essence of the capitalism, so all you republicans better take note, you keep saying free market? You better keep expecting coffee bean brothels. The guys talked UFC for a while cause I guess it happened over the weekend, and Kenda Perez called in to corroborate or disprove anything the guys may be talking about, to the best of her ability, from a slightly more insider position than Jason or Tully has. I didn’t listen all too closely but they did spend a lot of time talking about a lady whose name is Betch and that just reminded me of all the hilarious gay stereotype conversations I’ve had with people about how gay guys somehow just can’t make an “i” sound in the word bitch so it always comes out “betch” which is just delightful. Then they talked about The Expendables 3 for a while and I haven’t seen it because I would be so lost from not having seen the first two either, but I respect the concept. Jason sent Tully some music that he had found that was made by former pro skateboarder Jerome Rodgers, and if you don’t remember from a few years ago, this is the guy that retired from skateboarding to be a rapper but for all intents and purposes, he really shouldn’t have cause it’s just about impossible to get behind this music. According to Jason, with the kind of athletic ability this guy had, it made no sense that he could possibly be so incredibly bad at rapping the way he is, so much so that it’s getting difficult for him to believe that he’s not mentally handicapped. After they played a few clips from some of his songs, I’m finding it hard to argue. Tully even said that most of the people who send stuff in for unsigned bands could mop the floor with him. The guys took a break because listening to hip hop of that caliber would make me need to take a breather too.
TODAY IN CRYSTAL METH!!! Police in Florida were called to the scene of three people who were screaming that they had been taken hostage, but it turns out that the three were just methed all the fucking way out and all had a group hallucination! But it gets better, they emptied over a hundred rounds of handgun and shotgun ammo into the walls, threw furniture at their captor, even the toilet, really anything small enough to throw, one of the guys removed a back window (frame and all) from the building to try and make an escape route, really just methiness all around. Update to the Jerome Rodgers thing, apparently he did a few months in jail and had to roll with the white supremacist crowd to keep from having his chili ring blown apart by white supremacists, so there’s that. Perfect timing for that, cause two incredibly white people, Rob Corddry and Clark Duke came by the studio to hang out for a while. Clark Has been known to go to a wrestling symposium which consists of 500 thirty year old guys sitting around drinking beer and watching pro wrestlers on the come up of their careers for three days straight. But that’s really secondary cause the guys are in studio today to play a game of Password with Jason and Tully. Twas a great time with hilarious clues and references to things that only a washed up Australian skateboarder and a b-list comedy actor (b-list is a compliment folks, I love Corddry’s work, and Clark Duke is great as well) would understand. When all was said and done, the winner was the english language, with Jason and Tully coming in a close second, with the password “dildo” for the win. After the game, Ellis introduced Rob and Clark to the wheel of doom and the many wonderful punishments that it includes. However, instead of all that work of wheeling in the wheel and spinning it, Jason settled on giving the guys access to an RC car and letting them do burnouts on Kevin’s ass with it. Before all that though, Rob and Clark gave the guys a quick rundown on the progress and quality of content in Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and how there’s drugs and rape and everything that makes America great, all included for the low low price of one horribly overpriced theater ticket. They also talked about Matthew McConaughey for a while and how he looks better a little bit unfit and less shredded, thus reducing the competition between normal humans and movie stars for the rest of us. The guys found the trailer for HTTM2: Electric Boogaloo (which I’m just gonna start adding to every sequel ever) and it sounds like a good god damn time for all, except for that part of the advertisement that relies on visual stimulation, that could be hit or miss, but with all of the one-liners in the preview, I’m sure it won’t be a disappointment. So, in case our attention spans are too short, Kevin CUMTARD Kraft, RC car, hilarious comedic actors, tire tracks on the anus hole, TULLY! JASON!!! WHY THE FUCK IS KEVIN WEARING A C-STRING?!???!?!!!?!???! TWO STROKE FUMES IN ENCLOSED SPACES!!! Although I’m pretty sure the RC car in question was the electric one. After all that, the guys took a break to regroup and let Cumntard’s rectum come to terms with it’s lot in life.
So, upon coming back from the break, the guys decided to turn to the phones and twitter for suggestions on what music to play in the two hours before and after the show that Jason now has control of. Jason has confirmed that it’s not gonna be all Metallica all the time, but definitely more of it than Faction normally plays. One guys suggested more Machine Head, which I know myself and @emilyinSD are both incredibly thrilled about. Someone else suggested Fugazi which I’m happy about as well. Social Distortion was suggested, as well as The Necromantix, Steel Panther, The God Damn Gallows, someone murdering Jetta so that he doesn’t put through suggestions that nobody else has heard of, Mudvayne, Static X, Bone Thugs ‘N’ Harmony, Iron Maiden, Willie Nelson, Propaghandi, and a bunch of other random suggestions that I didn’t have time to listen to cause work was busy as all fuck and I had to crunch out this recap with moments to spare before the next live show. This whole thing went on pretty much till the end and despite whatever I missed, I’m sure they’ve put a lot of solid choices into the lineup and that Faction music will hopefully have some truly terrible shit removed forever. Oh, and your mom called and said to bring her home a carton of cigarettes, plan B, and an enema. She’s going out to find you a stepdaddy tonight.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,