You feel that? Can ya feel me balls tightening as I’m inside of you? That’s right, I’m putting the sexy back into Monday. Okay, not really. But it’s the thought that counts, right? Did you all catch Rude Jude on the Howard Stern show today? You’d be a lot cooler if you did. Dingo is back in studio today, you probably heard him already though. Ellis isn’t down with pimps and ho’s anymore, he thinks he done with prostitutes, but that’s his brain talking, we’ll see what his dick has to say about it when it wakes up. Continue reading
Holy hell, it’s Monday again. What a day it’s been so far, Jeebus. Do bears know they smell like shit? Do horses always smell like shit? Dingo takes two shits per day. There’s some movie James Franco wrote that has a guy shitting in the woods, wiping his ass with a stick, and fucking dead women. Dark and twisted movies are right up Ellis & Dingo’s alley, it’s inspired Ellis to want to make more movies. The guys relived filming of The Woodsman and how much of a great time they had, laughing, getting lost, and watching Christian get mad at Rawdog. Will reminded Ellis that a lot more people are listening than he thinks and that a lot of those people don’t even know what EllisMania is. Continue reading
Everybody was abuzz about it. Everybody was talking about it. Some people even lost their shit about it. Literally. Shit was everywhere. I think even TMZ almost covered it. But since they didn’t, we will! Prepare yourself for the dramatic re-telling of yesterday’s incident that is now being hailed as “The Douchening”. Actually, I made that up. I don’t think anyone is calling it anything. I’m not even sure anyone cares about it anymore, but they sure did yesterday! So let’s find out what exactly happened. Put on your detectives cap, bust out the magnifying glass and pipe Sherlock, we’re going to crack this case wide open!
Timeline of events:
- At approximately 3:45 PM Central, one Mike Tully read a news story about a new social network that costs $9k to join.
- Said social network sounded pretty douchey, Mike Tully and his accomplice Jason Ellis were busy making douche jokes just before the next segment started, which involved one Christian James Hand.
- At approximately 3:50 PM Central, Mike Tully segued from the story and into Christian James Hand’s introduction by uttering, and I quote, “Speaking of douches…” Just after that, Jason Ellis had pushed the intro button for Christian James Hand. The plot thickens!
- Jason Ellis then was heard by millions to have said, “Depends on what day you hit that button, that could’ve gone horribly wrong.” Clearly joking.
- Christian James Hand retorts with, and I quote, “You’re all being very clever.”
- Jason Ellis then responds with, and I quote again, “Uh oh, it’s a bad for us to be doing that.” Talking about the “douche” introduction.
- During the jokes an audible noise could be heard, after some investigation, the source of the noise had come from a microphone being unplugged. DUN-DUN-DUUUUNNNN!
- “What the fuck is that? It’s unplugged.” exclaimed Jason Ellis.
- “I don’t know why…” starts one Freddie Wilson Pendarvis III.
- “Because he hit it when he sat down.” retorts Jason Ellis.
- “Don’t touch the merchandise.” said Mike Tully.
- “I believe you Christian, but… that only happens to you.” accuses Lord Pendarvis.
- “I saw what he did, he fuckin’ bumped it because we hit a button where he was a douch.” accuses Jason Ellis.
- “No, I didn’t, I didn’t… wow, I mean… I don’t have to be here today gentlemen, I’m not getting fuckin’ paid so I don’t have to show up.” threatens Christian James Hand.
- “Oh, douche the fuck off then if you’re going to swing with that attitude.” delivers Jason Ellis.
- “I’m just sayin’, I didn’t touch the microphone!” defends Christian James Hand.
- “You did, you smacked it with your hand because you got pissed because we hit the fuckin’ button!” demands Jason Ellis.
- “Have fun, have a good radio show gentlemen.” said Christian James Hand as he storms out of the studio.
- “Fuck off moron!” said Jason Ellis.
There were a few other things said, but they were unimportant, but that is overall the gist of everything said. After Christian left, Ellis, Tully, & Will were left wondering why the douche thing set Christian off so easily. Minutes later, Christian comments on one of his Instagram posts: “…for everyone to think that I walked out because I was called a ‘douchebag’ is laughable. It had nothing to do with that. Thankx for all the comments.” Later that same day, Christian then posts this his Instagram. That post certainly appears to be Christian acknowledging he made a mistake by walking off the show.
Now, before going any further and before anyone starts laying blame or chastising someone. I’m pretty sure things are just fine between Ellis, Tully, Christian, & Horse Force. These things happen. And these things usually work themselves out. Don’t you fret your pretty little heads about any of it, because I’m sure none of them are.
So. Everyone still have their detectives hat on, magnifying glass out, and pipe in hand? Good. Let’s start speculating our asses off!
Unbeknownst to many fans, and maybe Christian too, OfficialJasonEllis.com was running the entire time so people could see and hear everything that went on, including during the breaks. Armed with knowledge really sheds new light on the whole situation. And god damn it, we’re going to find out who is to blame for all this and we’re going to shame that son of a bitch! The answer just may surprise you, it might even shock you! *queue dramatic music*
As soon as Christian walked into the studio, Ellis could see a look on Christian’s face. This is why Ellis said, “Depends on what day you hit that button, that could’ve gone horribly wrong.” Tully & Will did not see Christian’s face, they are not facing the door into the studio, only Ellis is facing that door. Ellis, Tully, & Will were still all smiles at this point. Everyone teases each other there. None of this is out of the ordinary. And I believe Christian when he said, “…to think that I walked out because I was called a ‘douchebag’ is laughable. It had nothing to do with that.” So what was it, what set him off? I’ll get to that soon, hold your horses… forces.
Then the microphone came unplugged. I’m sure it was on accident and it probably happened just because it was already loose. If you remember, Hotdog and Will both used that microphone before Christian even came into the studio. It worked fine for them, but maybe one of them accidentally knocked it loose, but not disconnected. Or maybe it was something else. Who cares. That’s not really the point.
I can already hear you saying it. “Yeah, but Ellis got pissed right away at Christian for what could have been an honest mistake!” If you’ve been listening to show for any amount of time, you know that for years now Ellis does not like any weird sounds or poor sound quality. This is radio. More specifically, this is his radio show, his baby, and he takes pride in it like anyone would. He’s trying to make sure the show is run as professionally as possible, without glitches, or at least as few as possible. Do you not take pride in your work? You should. Otherwise you’re probably not doing it right.
So where are we? Christian walked off the show and it wasn’t because of the “douche” button. I don’t even think it was entirely Ellis claiming Christian hit the microphone, sure that part didn’t help, but I don’t think that was the sole reason. Rather, a specific combination of things, piled on top of what really did seem like a bad day for Christian, previous to him even being in the studio. Clearly, his fuse was short that day. I think Christian also recognizes that he may not have handled the situation in the best way. His second Instagram post seems to back that theory up. And Ellis wasn’t wrong for telling Christian to leave. As a radio professional, you don’t go another radio professionals show to do your own segment and say that you’re not even getting paid and didn’t have to show up, and then walk off – leaving the other’s scrambling to figure out what the hell they’re going to do in your place. Especially to the guy who is willing to give you a shot at your own 1 hour show along with 2 of your friends.
But what about this chain of events? Who was responsible for Christian walking off? Are you sitting down? Because I am about to shock the world when I tell you the god damned son of a bitch that caused the whole situation. It was none other than… WILL PENDARVIS!!! That’s right! That meddling WILL PENDARVIS!!! Right when he told Christian that the microphone coming unplugged only happens to him, Christian’s brain shut down and went into defense mode. The situation had no other place to go but dissolve into a “No, you are” match between two mongrels. I hope you’re happy with yourself Will! You think about that. You think about what you’ve done and who you’ve hurt. When you’re done, I expect you to apologize. You apologize to Ellis, Christian, Tully, Hotdog, the fans, matter of fact, you call up Piolin and apologize to him as well!
See? I told you we could do this! We have used our super detective skills to solve a mystery, lambaste the god damned son of a bitch responsible for this whole situation, and totally blow the whole thing out of proportion. Now we can all move on and look forward to friendships, Horse Force, and a show in New York!
It’s me again fuckers, bitPimps here to give you a recap on Thursday. Ellis gassed out 5 times today, he feels great, he feels alive. But since this is in the past, it’s not going to matter or be true any longer. Hamburgers and hotdogs, that shit was nowhere before America. Don’t even get started on pies, apple pie fucking rules the pile world. Hotdog is a fool because he loves fruit, but doesn’t like warm fruit, such as in a fresh apple pie. Hello, Hotdog, ice cream! Poor dude is so lost in his San Diego ways, it’s like he’s living a lie. But you know what? He’s the only person on the show who remembers where PieNot is. Tully’s family is southern enough to be full on white trash, but their close and he loves a good mozzarella stick – it sure beats the shit out of a hard boiled egg from a fucking gas station. Will came barging into the studio, not for anything particular, but he had pictures for Ellis to look at, pictures of the race Ellis will be at over the weekend. Some gay (or maybe not) guy posted full on nudes of Ellis online again. Calm down, it wasn’t fresh nudies, these were dick & balls from the Stern show, but put into boxes like those porn stars tend to do. This big race Ellis is going to? You can go there and ask to see his dick & balls if you want, which coincidentally or not, they are unveiling the “Big Hog Cheddar Dog” at this event, which is not Ellis’ dick & balls, but a huge thing on it’s own. Where did the saying ‘shit eating grin’ come from? And who grins after eating shit? Besides Germans, I mean. Some caller said the saying comes from ‘grinning like a possum eating shit’ but I’m calling bullshit on that. Even during the Great Depression, nobody was eating shit and grinning because of it. Now the saying, ‘sweating like a dog shitting peach seeds’ is totally traceable and understandable, because could you imagine trying to shit a peach seed? You’re gonna sweat profusely. The phrase ‘shitting in tall cotton’ is also totally traceable and makes sense. you’re shitting in a field, hidden by the cotton growing, and you get to use the cotton you pick to wipe your ass. It’s natures toilet paper, before it becomes toilet paper of course, but hey, it’s better than a poison oak leaf.
Brandon Lillard is a friend of the show and he got seriously hurt during a base jump. His medical bills are mounting there’s a GoFundMe page setup if you’d like to help. Hotdog gets to finish his signature segment, “what’s the worst fart experience you’ve had”. Ellis farted in the morning today and it scared Katie. She thought he was asleep, but he wasn’t, he had just woken up and his bubble butt ass let it rip. Hotdog knows what’s up, he wakes up farting too. I’m pretty sure all men wake up with farts ready to be released. Anyway, Hotdog kept his segment going from the previous day, when it got cut a little short because Ellis had to unexpectedly leave to go pick up Tiger from school. Callers with chili and fart stories came about, callers with non-chili farts called, it was a real fart-a-thon that Jerry Lewis would be impressed with, however, I’m not sure it beat the previous days fart-a-thon. One of the biggest surprises is that Hotdog has a sore tummy today and has been farting in the green room all morning. Tully wants him fired for this. Some dude farted in an elevator while Hilary Clinton was in there, that guy gets a t-shirt for his American fart efforts. Tully’s down with farting in front of Barbra Bush, and I’m backing that decision. She’s old, she wouldn’t even know if it was her, the person next to her, Jesus, or Satan. Oxycottonjohn called in with his own fart story, he got sent home one time from his work, he was farting so bad in the mail room and while he was delivering mail, he kept crop dusting the office. He got so many complaints, the boss came down and addressed the fartissue he had. While his boss is reprimanding him for his fart delivery, he was still ripping farts. He got sent home for farting too much. If you didn’t already know his legendary status, you should now. Ellis did not like learning that Tully tends to have to fart before he pisses. The conundrum is that the most acceptable place to rip a fart in front of another human is the bathroom. Hotdog got a few professional pointers on his segment and then we went to fart out some names for new Wolfknives members with Hotdog in tow, allowing him to test out his “off the cuff” skills. I found it endearing that towards the end of naming Wolfknives, Hotdog started to sound like an early 20-something Pendarvis.
There’s a total douche social network starting up, and that little piece of news started off a whole situation that blew up into a douche bomb. So since there won’t be new music segment, it was a perfect time for World News. Which was written down, but didn’t actually exist. That was a perfect segue into Hollywood News, and to kick it off, it was the announcement of Kim Dylla (Vulvatron) becoming the new frontwoman of GWAR. Something or another about Sharon Osbourne and how one time she did something weird with Ozzy when she was young. Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are done, soooo… maybe she’ll leak a photo of her tits or something? I don’t know. Anyway, there’s 3 movies slated to be made that sound horrible. Top Gun 2 is one of them and you have to wonder how that’ll play out. Goose is fucking dead man. Does Tom Cruise come back as an instructor at Top Gun or is he all old and farting in an F-22 Raptor or… what the fuck? Anyway, Tom has apparently signed on for this fucking thing, and it also sounds like the movie will contain a lot of drones, so I guess he’ll be teaching sentient drones how it’s done when it comes to flying. I don’t know where to go with that. Anyway, you’re not even reading this. This doesn’t even exist. And I’m just gonna close this thing out with sledgehammer. Ellis has a friend, a girl, who told him that one time during some butt eating, this girl’s boyfriend ate her butt, he found a nugget in there and ate it. And liked it. He said he enjoyed it. And one time he tried to pass it back to her. And you can probably guess who this girl is. And she didn’t like to get her poo passed back to her. And she also said it wasn’t that bad. And I have to Arsenio Hall out of this thing with a “hmmmmm”. So I leave you with this last bit of shit about butts. Trick Daddy don’t eat pussy anymore. He only eats butt. And he’ll eat your girls butt if you don’t, so keep that in mind. Thank you. Good night.
It’s Friday, bitches! I’ll be your host for today, bitPimps here filling in for my brother from another vagina, AZ_RedDragon, while he’s off marrying his sister or watching his sister get married, I forget which. TJES is broadcasting live from the Roosevelt in Hollyweird, with a bunch of chicks with tits. Oh, and let’s not forget Hotdog & his donkey dick are there, ready to get some action. Of course the crew is there, except for Wilson – he’s back at the studio schmoozing up on Shannon The Animal Gunz. Nipplopolis and her husband are there, so is Fonzo – lucky fuckers. Everyone has been notified that Hotdog is a virgin and has never felt a boob, a butt, or anything. Oh, by the way, this is all streaming free on OfficialJasonEllis.com. Jetta tried to rally the girls to play some nude limbo, not a single chick spoke up. So Katie tried to rally the girls to see if anyone wanted to do some nude arm wrestling against her, nobody said shit again until finally one of the girls nominated another girl to do it. Champagne is popping to try and get the girls to loosen up and participate in anything other than chatting with each other. On an odd / interesting note, Joanna Angel doesn’t like her nipples played with, but she’s cool with 6 dicks and a finger in her ass. Go figure. Joanna started to dominate Katie, she really came out of the gate strong by asking her to sit / lay down. hahaa Things turned a little more violent after Katie was being choked & asked to be slapped, which Joanna obliged to the point she thought maybe Ellis was going to beat her up for slapping Katie so hard.
Back from break and it’s time for Katie to defend her arm wrestling title, this time against Jessie Lee. Two more chicks arm wrestled for Over The Top supremacy and the Mexican chick straight up cheated by using both hands and an illegal titty grab on her opponent. Some chick there who writes porn & tests out masturbation products for women has not tested a product because she was worried that it might produce air in her vagina which would kill her via air-embolism. Anyway, she lost her arm wrestling bout. Two more chicks are up for their turn at the Over The Top challenge, the cheating Mexican and a fully mixed chick with a ghetto booty. I think the half-breed chick won, then she went for the previous winner and took her out as well. Now is the championship round with Katie and Larry? I don’t know, that’s what it sounded like, it’s the mixed breed chick. So they go at it left handed and Katie won. Next round was right handed and mixed chick won. Vagina inflation update from Cumtard, theoretically, you could die from air in your vagina. Now, on to limbo, except nobody wants to limbo – at least not in without a nice set of heels to wear. Things finally started getting under way with about 6-8 contestants. It got whittled down to a group of 3 super flexible women, all of whom tied for champion of the limbo contest. For his efforts holding the limbo pole, Hotdog got a hot Mexican’s ass twerking on his pee-pee.
Back from break and we got a story of a man whose buddy stuck an air-compressor hose in his buddies ass and blew his guts up. Oh, and food is now served! Hotdog has disappeared into the bathroom, allegedly to get a quick jerk session in before he starts judging boobs. He may also be a little drunk already, after-all he’s only had a peanut butter & marshmallow sandwich to eat so far. But enough about blown out guts and sandwiches, let’s get Hotdog feeling some boobies. He’s going to freestyle how he feels them, no coaching involved. He’ll be standing behind each set of tits, taking the back route, under the arm, all the way to titty-ville. So the first set of tits are from Jessie Lee, and how did Hotdog like them? “I can’t lie, they feel pretty awesome.” was his lackluster response. Second set of titties, I don’t know this chicks name, his response was pretty much the same, except he added he thinks he might like bigger tits better, to a set of smaller tits. Class act, that Hotdog. hahaa Third set of tits were those of Phoenix Askani, she’s into buttholes and weed, and she’s drunk. Hotdog grabbed his 3rd set of tits and Phoenix feels like she’s getting a mammogram. Fourth set of titties are those from someone I don’t know, she doesn’t know her own Twitter, so it’s cool. He not only felt her boobies, she showed him her wee-wat. Fifth set of titties are those of Jenna Valentine, she has massive jugs and Hotdog had to really put his back into it. In the end, who won? Everyone. Fuck it, when tits are out, there are no losers.
Back from break and it’s time for some chicks to workout, breathe heavy, and say stuff. Brendan Schaub and Bryan Callen have showed up, strictly in a professional capacity of course. There’s about 10 girls participating in this at the same time. Some girls will be doing squats with kettle bells while the others will be doing ladder climbs for 45 seconds to 1 minute. I’ve gotta pull a Hotdog here and say, I’m not gonna lie, it started out sounding like that German gape porn and turned into something out of one of the Saw movies or something. hahaha The Mexican chick is telling her story about almost lighting a man on fire to Callen and Schaub – you may remember how into pain play Callen was last time he was on the show. Brendan Schaub will now show the girls some Jiu-Jitsu technique by laying on his back while a girl will get into his guard and try to escape or tap out. After she taps (or escapes hahaha) another girl will take her place to try escaping as well. But first, Callen has to get in a 5% gay guard to show the girls what they will be doing and the girls are demanding Schaub takes off his shirt. Schaub took out three chicks as well as a surprise attack by Katie, so Schaub gets to have his arm raised for beating up 3 different chicks. The ladies are starting to sound like drunk construction workers making cat calls and getting a little rapey with there demands to get Schaub nude, grab his dick, etc. He may need to be escorted out with security, I don’t know. It’s time for a break and the pin the tail on the donkey, or “stick a pin in Cumtard’s ass”, whatever you wanna call it. And yes, he will donning the C-string.
Back from break and Cumtard and his yam bag in a c-string are apparently a hit with the ladies, they keep screaming and smacking his ass. Whitney is enamored by Cumtard’s c-string. It took awhile to get the ladies going as they were on the bed taking pictures and such. Eventually things got under way and some ladies put some pins right in his curdled ass. Phoenix seemed to really take pleasure in her turn as she not only stuck the pin in his ass, but then proceeded to slap it home several times. This Dave dude from the UFC who came with Whitney via Onnit has given Cumtard his last warning, his dick is way too close for comfort. Oh yeah, and that Kellie chick who is friends with Katie took the body wash she co-created with Ellis and ate some of it, it tasted salty. There ya go. Chicks were also getting some anal lube from their throats. Somewhere along the way, Christian Hand snuck his way into the party, he’s never turns down an opportunity to meet some semi-naked hot chicks. The remainder of the show was spent talking with “Mr. Miami Club Scene” Brendan Schaub, fighting, UFC, and big booty babes he doesn’t discriminate against. Ellis is off to Minnesota, he will be racing this weekend and it will be on some ABC Sports channel, so check that out if you want. And there you have it folks. Enjoy your weekend, like the rest of us enjoyed your mother, over, and over, and over, and over… Rinse & repeat.