Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/7/2014


Dingo when he woke up in the hospital with no memory.

OMG sisters! I’ve missed you soooo much! XOXO’s and stuffs. After the week long break, the show is back and so are the recaps. This must mean contract negotiations are going well for Ellis. Nothing is finalized yet, but it looks very promising and he’s excited and will tell us all as soon as he can. Which works out well for him because he doesn’t want to lose his job. And it works out well for us fans too, because we get to continue listening to our favorite show. Dingo, 28 years young, has some shit to tell us today. He took the week off as many of us did. On about Wednesday, he turned the drinking knob up to 11 and carried that through to the 4th. He knew he had to fly to Vegas on Saturday, so Friday around noon he started getting worried he might miss his flight since he’s been up for 2 days drinking heavily and partying with all his friends, excluding Paris Hilton. Everyone avoided her house even though she sent out a mass text to let everyone know she was having a party at her house. Everyone has already banged her twat out so why bother going, right? Anyway, the 4th, it’s noon, Dingo’s concerned about potentially missing his flight. So he takes a substance to help him stay up, but you’re not supposed to take this substance that puts you into a hole, so to speak, while drinking. He’s at this mega house, a massive party house, a Hollywood royalty house. He starts feeling woozy, goes to the bathroom and throws up and thinks he’s gotten past it. He’s on the couch, he feels hot, he goes outside and feels like he’s going to puke again. He’s given a bucket and blacks out. He wakes up with doctors around him and he’s in the hospital. He’s confused, doesn’t know what day it is and doctors are trying to tell him how he managed to get there. Apparently he was stumbling around the beach throwing up, a stranger see’s him and gets paramedics to take him the emergency room in Malibu. They hook him up to an IV and the doctor says that’s all he can do for him and gets the paramedics to take him to the hospital in Santa Monica. They don’t know his name, he couldn’t be traced back to this mega home or friends. He made it to the airport with a plastic bag containing the board shorts and tank top he was wearing during his blackout, gets to Vegas in time for the fireworks and to introduce Nick Cannon. His new management company took him to the UFC fights and is still feeling pretty shitty so he smartly skips having any drinks in Vegas. Ahhh, the days of being young and doing the kind of drugs you can feel have aged your body by a decade.


So, he used a tool you say? What could it be? Oh, thanks Dingo!

Not to be outdone, Tully hit up 7-11 and mowed down a shitload of Doritos. He’s wondering how many Doritos he’s willing to admit to having. Has a bunch of food, some beer, and some smokes and almost goes into a Dorito hole. Ellis just stayed by the pool all day with the kids (yes, I’m including the youthful Katie here – HA!) and applying sunscreen to Devin every 20 seconds. Some strange kid wanted him to buy him a toy or some shit, another kid wanted to keep trying to pour water over his head and he’s wondering where the fuck the parents are. Then he see’s a kid go over to the edge of the pool, squat down, and release a bunch of little turd logs into the pool. Mr. and Mrs. Tully also saw a little kid face plant in from them and end up having to parade the kid around to try and find the parents because they weren’t around either. Parenting, apparently in LA, very few people actually do it, leaving behind pussy kids and annoying kids. Oh, and before I forget. Katie can’t throw up, she wasn’t feeling well, took some charcoal pills, and tried sticking her finger down her throat but it wasn’t working. So, it was up to Ellis to use a “tool” to help get the job done, which it did. As Ellis and Tully did a graceful dance around what this magical “tool” was, Dingo, well known for his masterful wordsmith abilities, blurts out, “dick in the mouth”. Oh. And also while Wilson was in Alabama, he never once heard the “n” word.


Ellis flirting with Kenda.

MMA News time with Kenda (not Kendra) Perez. Ellis received no drunk texts from Kenda over the weekend, so that pretty much means she was with her boyfriend and he must be working his way into her heart as well as her panties. Joe Rogan temporarily got put on blast by Dana White for asking Rousey if she was willing to rescue the UFC 176 PPV event in less than a month because it currently has no main event. Dana then later exonerated Joe and all is well between the two again. Chris Weidman put doubts to rest with his win over Lyoto Machida. Urijah Faber beat the brakes off Alex “Bruce Leroy” Caceres and it sounds like Urijah has had a falling out with Duane Ludwig. In TUF 19 finale, BJ Penn retired after his TKO loss to Frankie Edgar. And Ben Askren heckled “fat” Johny Hendricks and “bald” Dana White. Also, Chael Sonnen got fired from FOX Sports and UFC broadcasting. Speaking of people getting fired, here we go. Anthony Cumia, yes, the bitter old gal from Opie & Anthony also got fired. Apparently it was over some racist shit he said on Twitter. Whatever. I don’t care. Maybe not so coincidentally, new segment time with “Dude, Will This Get Me Fired?” The major bit of entertainment here was how we learned that Cumtard wiped his ass, between his legs, while standing up. Some chick he worked with at McDonalds that he tried to flirt with caught him with a wad of shitty toilet paper in his hand, dick hanging out, and standing like some kind of mental patient. Then we get another bomb dropped on us when Tully admits he’s not sure he’s ever wiped while sitting down, he always stands up to wipe. That means there are people walking among us who stand up to wipe. You know Tully & Cumtard can’t be the only two in the world. I never would’ve known, and you said the show isn’t informative.


Donald Schwartz, poaching, and history get me so hot!

Donald Schwartz called into the show to talk about how much it costs if you want to go poach a rhino. I might have written that wrong. He doesn’t condone poaching, matter of fact he flat out is opposed to it, he just knows a lot about it. He’s also opposed to beheading people, but also may allegedly know a lot about it. Also, apparently killing cool lions causes the pussy lion population to increase. I’m not sure how, but if Schwartz says it does, then I’ll take his notoriously racist* word for it. *Disclaimer: Donald isn’t really a racist, he just plays one on TV. Also, I’m joking again. He, as far as I know, has never played a racist on TV. Anyway, shit is in trouble. Animals. The ocean. All of it. And if they’re in trouble, then we’re in trouble. And nobody wants to report to the principal’s office for this one. Trust me. Or don’t. Trust Donald. See if I care. Just trust someone for once in your life. Wait. That might be a bad idea. Just go to, there are pictures there!

Ever heard of Jordan Haskins? Me neither. Apparently he’s running for 95th District Michigan State House Representative and he used to be into “cranking” which is supposedly a sexual fetish where he removed spark plug wires from cars, sat in them with the engines running, sparking, and making noises, while he jerks off. Time for some notable moments in world history with Ellis and Dingo. The Dalai Lama was a Korean dude who invented yoga, wears a dress, and is not the CEO of Apple. The bikini was invented by Dingo’s mom when she was born and his dad wore a blue one and got the nickname Blueberry. Amelia Earhart did not steal babies, but was the last female bohemian who made the world’s best/worst lemonade. Ever. She also went on a walkabout until women had rights, and then pissed off men threw her in the ocean. Lyndon B. Johnson signed up for civil rights which gave rights to civil people in 1964 and then promptly gave those same rights to everyone except for Dingo’s mother. That girl that sued Kobe Bryant was pissed because he tried to crack open the backdoor and she was not into the butt jams and so she sent text messages to the FBI and Kobe quickly bought his girl a ring with a massive rock, thereby apologizing for splitting another ladies butthole apart which required stitches. In the butt. Butthole stitching. The Battle of the Little Bighorn was between Colonel Mustard and Chief Sitting Pond, up in Canada. Neither dude took any shit, but eventually Colonel Mustard was killed by Indians (feather, not dot) and they were all like, “fuck that cracker-ass cracker.” People at the time were all like “that’s fucking bullshit, man!” But nowadays, people are like, “well, fuck that Mustard guy” because as a whole, we were dicks to Indians (feathers, not dots) and that pretty much marked the invention of fire water. John Gotti was the father of gangster rapper Irv Gotti, he invented prohibition, the Gotti necktie, and suits. The Statue of Liberty and french fries were gifts from France just say “hi, we like you” and we accepted both gifts which made our entire population fat, but fully pleased and in need of a nap. The French are still waiting for us to send them a statue of Hulk Hogan. The Watergate burglars where a family that robbed banks and information from Secret Services and sold them to the Chinese, but were caught by Deep Throat, who turned out to be Tom Hanks and was romantically linked to Richard Nixon. Alexander The Great was gay, but the greatest of all time, he hunted elephants, owned Rome, and participated in orgies like a champ. Somebody put mercury on their dick and poisoned him and then he died. The Salem Witch Hangings were real, not just a story to make kids stop eating cookies at night. They tossed witches in water, if they drowned, they were not witches, if they floated, they were witches. This was of course all before anyone learned how to swim. Benjamin Franklin flew kite, which created electricity because he put a key on that kite and then lightening was like, BOOM! Entrepreneurship to you, sir! And that concludes our history lesson for today, kiddies. Now, how would you kill Dingo? By grenades at the Grenade Games? Him on an ice rink with a bunch of rocks and you and your drunk friends get to stone him to death? Think of your best and then keep it to yourself because the show is over by now.


Awkward kisses.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/8/2013


Here’s me writing today’s re-cap and not giving a fuck.

It’s Mungday, you filthy animals and like sands through the hourglass, so are the graves of our wives – or something like that. Jumping right in, the UFC and MMA, Ellis says some people are saying the Silva vs Weidman fight was a setup and those people are just fucking wrong. Rawdog isn’t on the show today because he has a girlfriend, but Dingo is on the show today because he does not have a girlfriend. One of the interns apparently had a great weekend at Mission Beach and was telling Ellis & Dingo about it like they needed to cancel today’s show and get there right away. Basically he got laid and finger banged a chick until she peed. And then walked in Rawdog after giving blood at the doctor’s office, looking for STD’s. He also had an envelope waiting for him from Canada, it was disguised as shake powder, but was more likely anthrax considering it was the mole people. Apparently his girlfriend (who also fucks other people) tweeted about getting bent over, hair pulled, and being fucked from behind – but he doesn’t want to talk about if he’s done her doggy style, though, clearly he has now. He was also on someone else’s Internet radio show / podcast with his girlfriend, it sounded pretty horrible and boring so if you missed it, don’t fret. Sounds like he also rode a fuckin bike over the weekend. It’s like that whole “race against Tiger Ellis” really got to him.


Instead of Hollywood news, I give you… THE MERM! A perm with a mullet!

Hollywood news time, George Clooney is single again, doesn’t that make your dick moist? 50 Cent sent some shitty text messages to his 15 year-old son, doesn’t that make your dick dry again? Lauryn Hill is starting her 3 month prison sentence for not paying her taxes, doesn’t that make your dick not care? Jay-Z’s favorite cereal is Cap’n Crunch, Dingo doesn’t eat cereal, doesn’t that make your dick shredded? More important than Hollywood news, Tully flushed his flip cam down the toilet over the weekend, shit got real. There was some more shit, I mean Hollywood news, but who really cares. Time for Rawdog to do his workout and make those sexy grunts of his as a precursor to his even sexier barfing noises. You can tell the testosterone is kicking in because he was telling Dingo to basically fuck off right after his workout. Then he took off his shirt so he could flex and show off all his newly grown stud muscles. One day, I picture Rawdog coming in all jacked up and ready to punch everyone in the dick.


A man’s breakfast, because we’re manly men!

Holy shit, some soccer referee stabbed a player during a game, then the players beat the shit out of the referee, stoned him, quartered him, behead him, and put his head on a fucking stick. That just upped soccer’s stocks in my book. Planes, trains, and automobiles. All them shits crashed over the weekend, which the only thing more surprising would be that them shits don’t crash more often. Moto news time, some people rode their bikes, someone one, someone else came in second, and some other people crashed and shit. If you haven’t been able to tell by now, I had a busy day at work, missed pieces of the show and am too tired to go back and jot down anything I’ve missed. Sorry ’bout that. Maybe this will help make up for it. KFC might be suing a restaurant in Thailand for replacing Colonel Sanders with Adolf Hitler and calling their shit-kickin’ chicken shack “Hitler.” Ellis bought Rawdog a present, it’s a stamp, of the Jewish star. It’s for when Rawdog does something good, Ellis will give him a little stamp. I can tell you’re still upset about the re-cap today, aren’t you? I know. I know. I’m trying to make it up to you. I mean, it’s not like I’m some kind of monster. Maybe this will make you feel better. A man is walking through the woods in a cold morning when he spots a little girl crying. He approaches her and asks “whats wrong, why are you crying?” The little girl looks up, tears glistening in her eyes, and says “My puppy went into the pond and couldn’t get out, so daddy went to get him but the water was freezing and they both drowned, leaving me alone and lost in the woods!” The man further approaches the little girl reaches to touch her shoulder while undoing his fly and says “Well, today just isn’t your day is it.” OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/1/2013


Not even the “Eh-Team” could stop me!

Okay, okay, I’m back, it’s great to be back and I couldn’t think of a better way to come back than on Canada Day – especially after infiltrating the land of the mole people the week before. Hold the applause, please. What was my mission, you ask? Well, this was an operation with several missions, some of which I can tell you after being debriefed, and some of which I cannot tell you – unless you have the proper security clearance. First, I located and GPS tagged as many entrances to underground mole tunnels as possible. Then I found a crude cell built to hold one Mike Tully. Soon after, I found evidence that the Richmond family may have been involved in treason. And finally, I was to find a cure for moliosis – a disease that causes some Canadians to lose their sense of humor, especially in cases where jokes mention Canada. Oh yea, and the show is back too, after an impromptu cancellation of last Friday’s show. I have no idea what that was about, some say it was punishment, some say it was sickness, and yet others say it was Dom’s fault. Speaking of which, he seems to be missing from today’s show. Did he get 86’ed while I was away? I didn’t hear anything about it when listening to OnDemand.


Everything except hand jobs.

Did you know woolly mammoths are Jews? They have curly hair coming off the sides of their ears, like Jewish people. “Bleeding” Burger Ellis is in studio today, farting and bleeding all over the place and in a diaper. Rawdog hasn’t told his mom that he’s dating a porn star. Actually, he hasn’t told any of his family, but it’s mommy that’s the big one that might have an issue with it. The other girl he was sliding his dick into, right to the top? Yea, he dumped her non shroom sharing ass to the curb. But only after he pummeled that pussy like trout meat one more time. Here’s something. Tiger got to meet Shaq! And here’s something else. Tully was an honorary Girl Scout for 10 years, sitting in on brownie meetings and shit, poor bastard. Sounds like Shannon Shenanigans Gunz will be doing the workout with/against Rawdog on Wednesday! Which makes me wonder if she’ll accidentally queef while doing burpies. Jesus, what is wrong with me. Hand jobs aren’t sexual intercourse according to someone from some where. Sounds legit. Also, hand jobs make the world go ’round, along with loads to the face.


Slave to the McNuggets.

Chris Weidman called into the show today. A lot of people seem to think that he has the tools to beat Anderson Silva and end Silva’s reign as the middleweight champion. He (and other’s) say he’s better than Chael Sonnen and that he will make Silvia look human in a stand-up battle. He seems super laid back and it doesn’t seem like he’ll be mentally broken before the fight. Guess we’ll all find out this weekend when he fights Silva and UFC 162. If you don’t remember, Weidman was on the show before while they were in New York and had his house destroyed by hurricane Sandy. This led us into Rawdog’s workout. Rawdog says that Ellis picking on his shoes fucks up his workouts. So instead, Ellis will sing a song about how awesome Rawdog is while he’s doing his workout. It seemed to help get him focused and motivated, but it didn’t stop the after workout vomit session that he always has.


Fuckin zippit bloopity shiggy doo a shoopa doopa appah clappah whoogly

The X-Summer X-Games were in Munich, X-Germany over the weekend and blah, blah, blah X-who gives an X-shit. A woman from Arizona was arrested for smuggling drugs from Mexico in her vag. She had a long, thick, chunk of meth in a condom that was so big, it had to be surgically removed. Something about Robin Thicke and dirty words, don’t care. Alec Baldwin got mad at some assfuck who tried to disrespect at his wife and then apologized for it because he tweeted some shit about the gay guy being a queen or something. Pendarvis realized that in the past few weeks, he’s called a straight man a queen – and I think he meant it maliciously and should publicly apologize. Wait. No. I don’t think he should apologize for that actually. J-Lo sang a few songs and some dude died. I don’t know, that’s as much Hollywood news as I’m willing to hear. More importantly, I really want one of those old school pudding pops. Chocolate banana to be precise. Bring that shit back Cosby! And with that, I leave you with this… A priest, pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/1/2013


First time we banged your mom, she said we were too bookoo. But we all knew that was bullshit & sure enough, she took every inch of the entire NYA platoon.

Wassup bitches!? It’s April 1st and that means I’m gonna go full on douche and play an April Fool’s joke or 3 on your asses. Better be on your toes, sisters! So with it being Monday, guess whose in studio today? If you said Uncle Mayhem, you’d be wrong because that ship sailed awhile ago, and Dingo has been coming in on Mondays for awhile now. Ellis was hanging out with old people while looking at a house, the old lady was cool, but the old guy was shaking his head at Ellis. Ellis was all like, “your pants, your belt buckle is on your belly button and I haven’t shaken my head at you in disgust.” He didn’t say that out loud, but he was thinking it – so maybe that old man got the telepathic message – or maybe not. Do you know what ghost hunters wear when they go out hunting for ghosts and other apparitions? Affliction Clothing. Ellis went running for his workout, Dingo has been running, but also skipping the running and instead eating, oh and Rawdog got invited to and participated in an orgy! April Fools, he is still in the friend zone.


In this monetary based world, if you’re not thinking about money, you’re either rich or dead.

Ellis has been worrying about money, so like anyone suffering through tough economic times, he bought 3 motorcycles over the weekend. But hey, he’s looking to move, maybe he’ll be without a pool, a smaller house, and maybe the kids will have to share a room, but things will work out and the kids seem to really like the idea of it all – so that’s what counts. Rawdog had a pround “big brother” moment yesterday. He’s little brother MC McJewyPants started spitting his flow and impressed his big brother with how much better he’s gotten in the past 6 months. Hey, how do you wanna die? Viking style on a flaming boat? Buried in the ground in case you can become a zombie? Burned into a pile of ashes in a crematorium? All this death talk spurred some pretty upbeat conversations, such as family members dying far too soon and supposed crematories that actually just give you a sack of ashes from a month’s worth of smoking in a dive bar. And with that, Tully tried to steer the conversation to a brighter side by mentioning it’s opening season for baseball and some dude in the NCAA broke his ma-fuggin’ leg. When it first happened, everyone was pissing their pants about how bad it was, but that really doesn’t compare to Clint Malarchuk’s accident.


Just watch Spiderman or something, you’ll be much happier.

Jon Jones has pulled out of his fight with Chael Sonnen, he just found out he has AIDs and the athletic commission will not allow him to fight due to the potential threat of other fighters contracting HIV. April Fools, the fight is still on. Georges St. Pierre has to back out of fighting Johnny Hendrix because he wants to be in a movie. Chris Weidman is preparing for his fight with Anderson Sliva, while Anderson is busy picking his balls, and learning how to speak like Steven Seagal. Hollywood news time, Lindsay Lohan’s lawyers have tried to get her to go to rehab and then I trailed off because I’m so sick of hearing about her that I could literally puke, eat said puke, shit that puke out, eat the puke I just shit out, and then shit it out again and slather it all over my body. And that is no April Fools joke. Kim Kardashian is a big fat whale and her stupid shit sisters have all come out to defend her gargantuan structure and say that she is really pregnant, not just eating ice cream sandwiches. Rawdog can’t pronounce Liev Schreiber’s name, we shouldn’t be surprised. Halle Berry wants a law passed where you can’t photograph the young children of celebrities. Justin Bieber got confiscated in Germany. April Fools, it was his pet fucking monkey. Is this dude turning into Michael Jackson or what.


Is Rawdog going to start wearing make-up now too? Come on, buddy! Confront your roommate, if not for your own sakes, for all of ours!

And with that Rawdog brought out a new segment “See It Or Fuck It”, where Rawdog tells you about the movies coming out and Ellis says if he’d see it or not. First up, GI Joe. Survey says, go ahead and see it. Next up was another fucking Tyler Perry piece of shit. Survey says, if you’re black, you know you’re gonna go see that shit, if you’re white, come on. Next was The Host, it sounds horrible. Survey says, avoid that shit like you avoid family functions. Let’s just skip the rest, they’re all shit. Speaking of shit, Rawdog’s gay roommate clogged the toilet with his massive gay turds, and left that shit there for him to deal with. So what’d Rawdog do? Went to Jack In The Box to go potty. What. The. Fuck. Dude gets steamrolled by women, and now by his roommate too? Confrontation is not in Rawdog’s vocabulary, he just got friend zoned by shit. Pretty much everyone is ready to fly across the country to tell Rawdog’s roommate that he’s a dumb motherfucker and he better cut the shit plunge the shit or next time he’ll be eating it. A university study of people in different phases of sexual activity say that the more sex you have, the bigger your brain swells and throbs.


Gonna go on a date with a porn star? Both of these are going to be your friends.

This leads us into Eva Lovia (thanks @cogdeth, I didn’t hear who it was), who visited the show today. She’s an astrophysicist who proved the Virial theorem in stellar astrophysics. April Fool’s, she’s a 23-year-old porn star. Her and Ellis were supposed to go out one night and he opted to stay home instead, so they smoothed things over and told each other that they look better in person. Then they talked about when she started fucking, who she started fucking, why she started fucking, and other fucking related topics. She does other stuff too, like having fun and activities. But mostly of the fucking activity variety. Ellis wants to pump her for 6 seconds, she’ll let Rawdog pump her for 6 seconds as long as they’re both clothed. Rawdog claimed he could pump more than 4 times in 6 seconds, completely missing the joke Ellis made about him blowing his load too early. It was Dingo, pound-for-pound today’s funniest guest, who jumped on the opportunity to explain the joke to Rawdog. Poor guy.


Why didn’t The Lord take the uglier ones first?

Now is when the show moved to “Women, Am I Right?” and we were blessed with a plethora of even smarter women who do things like; blame trained squirrels for destroying their garden, fall out of their vehicles while reversing, along with many other stories, and why you should spill your man nectar on their outsides, not their insides. This brought a single, mini whorecaine into the studio, or better known as Katie. But she’s not stupid, ugly, or dumb. She is a little weird, but fuck it, she’s hot and has nice titties – you’d totally let her walk over your ass if she was yo baby momma, admit it. While we’re at it, I know you’ve been wondering why you cry so much during sex, it’s from the pepper spray, man. OH! Sorry, I know that’s a touchy subject for you. I also know what’s long and hard on you as well. The fourth grade. OH!OH! Which is also the sound your mom made upon her first double penetration. OH!OH!OH! And that’s what dyslexic Santa says. FUCK IT, I’M OUT!