Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/24/2014

oderus-urungus

Oderus Urungus

Welcome to it. This crazy little thing called love. Wait. No. You know what I meant. Who cares, let’s get right into it – deep inside it – in the hole. First things first. Gwar frontman Oderus Urungus died Sunday evening, may the great mothership be covered in his blood and semen! We’ve posted two of his visits to TJES that you should definitely go listen to, he was always a fun guest to have on the show. Let’s lighten the mood a little bit, shall we? Sounds like there was a good turn-out at the Harley Davidson book signing over the weekend. It made Ellis feel way more famous than just some TV news guy, say like… Sam Rubin? Ellis ran into some people he doesn’t hang out with and hasn’t seen in a really long time, like some dude he used to skate with back in the day. Which I can’t remember his name, so you’re just gonna have to trust me, this dude was definitely a dude. Ellismania.com is still down, been down since Friday – apparently it was a victim of an unauthorized domain name transfer. Dingo gets scared when Tully’s all dressed up, or dressed down really. Jeff Emig said something positive about Ellis on Instagram and Ken Block said something negative about Ellis. Ellis went for his first ride on his new bike, he was trying to take it easy and did a little jump where he promptly sprained his ankle and the chain came off his bike. Tully had no such issues this weekend, he rode like like the wind and was doing whips & whoops & shit, you should’a seen him go! Tully had a Monster Energy drink that gave him no energy what-so-ever, matter of fact, it made him sleepy because he’s too much man for some pussy drink.

oderus-urungus

Dingo while reading No You Are?

Dave Boyce, “The Red Dragon Guy”, is in studio today. He’s the brother of Rob “Sluggo” Boyce sometimes and he makes shorts for small Canadian men. He and Moses Itkonen pretty much run that game, so bow down. Quick bit of MMA News time, everyone thought it was funny that anytime a Brazilian lost, the crowd was so silent you could hear a fly fart. Now, on to something else. Dingo says you can’t surf in Thailand, and he’s been there. Nobody believes him because he was there for only two things, to party, and to party harder. Dingo also claims to be domesticated and is generally a very clean person. Nobody believes him on that either. Another claim Dingo made was that he was pet sitting over the weekend for a girl who is a 10. Nobody believes him. Davidia Boyce is impressed with the show, so much so that he hasn’t said more than 10 words yet. He’s finding it difficult to get a word in with Dingo there. HEYOH! And now it’s break time, so he’s not gonna be saying jack shit for at least another 6-10 minutes.

mma-news-with-kenda-perez

MMA News with Kenda Perez.

MMA News for real this time, with Kenda Perez on the phone while she’s wearing a Tupac shirt and flower leggings. Oh yeah, and she’s in Las Vegas doing some voice over work for the Best of WEC, the show that she hosts. And there you have it, MMA News. Just kidding. So everyone thought the fight between Fabio Maldonado and Gian Villante was pretty fucking good, especially since the first round looked like Maldonado was gonna get submitted the entire time. And then BOOM! The next two rounds he just kept picking off Villante to the point that nobody could believe he was still standing. Nobody really liked the Rony Jason vs Steven Siler fight because the Brazilian ref stopped the fight so early, but what can you do? He held his head like he was woozy as fuck and went down, tough call. Nobody really liked the Norman Parke vs Leonardo Santos fight either because it went to the judges and ended in a majority draw. Mairbek Taisumov vs Michel Prazeres was an odd fight since Taisumov was so busy checking the the quality of links in the fence that it earned him several warnings and two point deductions. Dan Henderson vs Shogun was pretty awesome though and it ended with Dan knocking out Shogun. Moto News time with expert moto analyst Dingo. Chad Reed is sitting in 10th place in the points standing. Does Kevin Windham have a bit of a lisp? Dingo don’t know, referee bitPimps docked him 1 point for not knowing. James Stewart came-from-behind to for the win and the butt sex. Justin Barcia ended up finishing second, just in front of Ryan Dungey. Villopoto is still in the points lead, but didn’t do so well, saying he was sick and didn’t know the track. Dingo didn’t know if Villopoto was suffering from food poisoning or what, for which referee bitPimps docked him another point. Some dude put up a picture of his 3-ballin’ sack (listen to Three Ballin’) and since Katie is there and likes big loads, naturally the question is does a third ball make you shoot bigger loads? Dingo doesn’t know, and again, referee bitPimps docked him another point. Lattes have arrived which means it’s time Will to shed some blood & cum tears and then time for a break. Dave has managed to squeeze in about 5 more words, bringing his count to 15.

get-back-to-work

Cumtard came in sick?

The first ever TJES Listener Talent Show Skype Thing will be this Friday at 2PM Pacific, if you’re not available on Friday at that time, you can send them a Skype video message, allegedly. It’s time for a spelling game between Ellis and Dingo, both of whom are legendary in the spelling bee game. Only they’re not spelling, they’re being given words and have to use them correctly in a sentence, which is still a game because both of them are well known for understanding and using words in a sentence correctly. I guess you could say they superfluous the game? We learned Cumtard has been taking Rogaine and squirting anti-biotics in his eye – while driving his hypotenuse. There was something about an old lady and a car wreck, but nobody could get past what he just brought into the room. He’s got strep throat but doesn’t think he’s contagious because his head and ball cysts nullify the strep. Nobody believes him, 4 potato deduction by referee bitPimps. As soon as throat AIDs boy was escorted from the studio, the game resumed as everyone tried to forget about the sickness floating around the room. Before the break, Dave managed to sneak in 2 more words during the game, which also put him in the lead of the game – but more importantly, it brought his word count up to 17.

Back from break and there’s more homeless people in New York than ever in the history of ever in New or Old York. So German customs officials intercepted a shitment of cocaine destined for the Vatican. Dingo explains how this shit is going down and telling us what is true or not. Nobody believes him. Referee bitPimps gives him a warning this time instead of automatically deducting a point. There’s a serial pee’er out there too, he’s been going around pissing on women, just so ya know. Clark Duke came on the show today, no relation to Frank Dux – duh, they don’t even have the same last name, man. What were you thinking? Oh, sure, blame the writer. It took him a few minutes to get the show, but once he did he played along pretty well. In short, he doesn’t have any type of social media profiles, he’s got a reoccurring character roll on Two and Half Men, and he was very timid when asked if he wanted to record his score on the punch pad. While I’m sure the show is not really his style, he did a good job and was an entertaining guest – according to the judges score card. He stuck around for the remainder of the show and took some calls from listeners, even the ones about loads and wads. Clark hit the punch pad and it’s commonly believed he got a 48. In other numbers news, Dave could not squeeze in anymore words, so he finished with a solid 17, however after the show, he hit the punch pad and registered a 74. ‘Atta boy Dave. And there you have it. That was today’s show, it was good. Jesus died for it, so it only makes sense to make it good, right? Jesus did not die for this recap, so I’m pretty much in the clear on that.

rim_shot

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Show recap for Friday 2/21/2014

Happy Chad Reed Day Eve! How will you be paying homage to the king of moto? I will be decorating the Chad Reed tree, making Chad Reed cookies, and tomorrow morning I will watch the kids open their Chad Reed gifts on Chad Reed morning while watching the A Chad Reed Story marathon. Today at the gym Ellis saw some nerdy white guy in nice clothes just hanging out, it was kinda odd until he realized that Usher was also in the gymtumblr_msxtrnFBJY1qhpc9fo1_500 and probably brought the white dude for moral support. Jason said his boxing skills weren’t terrible, not great, but he’s definitely getting lessons. Back to Chad Reed day, fun Chad Reed fact, he is half Abbo, half Austraian, and full blood badass. In today’s Olympic news the Canadian women’s hockey team won the gold. Congrats to Canada for having the toughest, biggest, roughest bunch of manly women on ice in the world. Also while on the subject of the Olympics, way to go Russia, hating the gays but having massive boners for their figure skating couples. Also while on the subject of Russia, Pussy Riot got shit whipped at a performance by the police.

We came back from the break with a sampling of the instant hits created by Hate Bean. I wouldn’t be surprised of Metallica’s next album has a cover of Weiner Gazer. Hate bean will also be performing at EM10, so that will be worth the tickets alone! The guys rambled on about Hollywood, expensive cars, Tully’s neighborhood, cartoons, and of course, Chad Reed. We heard a beautiful heart felt poem from Will, an original song created by Cumtard, some caller contributions, an awesome original production by Michael Tully, and a few email submissions. Chad Reed is an inspirational mother fucker.download (2)

Big weekend ahead, Supercross, UFC, and Tigers birthday party at Trampoline World. Ellis is going to be signing books tonight in Huntington Beach at wherever he’s going to be. Hell, by the time I get this posted you might have missed it. My bad. But check his Twittah just to be sure. Another thing to check is Christian’s Instagram account @kingtrut and feel free to give your opinion on Kevin’s head. Does he just have thin hair or is his hair line running from his face? You make the call.photo (2)

Ever watched your kids playing with their toys and wish you had a bigger grown up version of their toys? Well now from the makers of Silly Splooge, Whamo presents Crazy Carts Mega! Now you can play WITH your kids and slam them into the wall in a perfectly legal way! And sticking with the toys and games subject, it’s time for Ellis Jeopardy Chad Reed Edition. Suck it Parker Brothers! And for the second time in a row Dingo wins! Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to ride my flying pig to hell for ice skating lessons. Before I finish this recap on this glorious Chad Reed day, I leave you with a poem,

Chad Reed rides with speed
He rides with intent
He passes you up
Like your bike is all bent

On one fateful day
And with one bad turn
He got a shit whippin
He totally got burned

He’s got a busted back
And his shoulder is a bit bum
But that doesn’t stop Chad Reed
From fuckin yer mum,
OH!

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Chad Reed Day: 2/22/2014

As with every year on Chad Reed day (the 22nd of February), TJES celebrates this day by singing songs, reading poetry, and haiku’s written by fans of Chad Reed and the show. Since Chad Reed day falls on Saturday this year, we celebrate a day early – even though technically it is the 22nd in Australia. Here are some fan submitted tributes to Chad Reed.


A haiku by @TonySamurai_
Why are you so fast?
Quickest Aussie on two wheels
Two-two, you are King


A poem by @sharkchucker
Though I have no idea who you are .
Or even what you do.
The wind beneath your balls is Ellis.
And the Dingo is swinging from them too.


Poem #1 by @bitPimps
My hero isn’t in comics
My hero doesn’t wear a cape
My hero doesn’t battle mythical monsters
My hero doesn’t have a special call
My hero isn’t talked about daily
No,
My hero is real
My hero used to wear green
My hero risks his limbs
For the sport he loves
My hero isn’t invincible
My hero is a normal person
My hero isn’t perfect
My hero makes mistakes
But my hero is courageous and brave
My hero rides sharp and true
My hero is CRTwoTwo

Poem #2 by @bitPimps
Chad Reed is an international super star
His amazing moto skill has taken him far
Chad Reed is tougher than a woodpecker’s lips

He soars like an eagle while doing whips
Chad Reed will never surrender

He is not a registered sex offender
While you’re casing and dealing with arm pump

Chad Reed is just hitting his powerband before the jump
Remember this legend on this day

To pay tribute to Chad Reed doesn’t make you gay

Poem #3 by @bitPimps
CRTwoTwo
He don’t use no voodoo
He relies on his talent and skill
He’s like Neo after he took the red pill
Fear not if he’s near the back of the pack
For this courageous man has huge balls in his sack
In a blink of an eye, he’s back leading the race
Standing on the podium with class and grace
Accolades? He has many over his storied career
I bet he’d still win races even if he looked like Lord Sear
If you’re looking for a hero, he’s a wise pick
If you doubt his determination, suck my motherfuckin’ dick


Poem #1 by @AZ_RedDragon
Theres this sick ass dude from Australia.
He’s faster than any other fella
His name is Chad Reed
He’s built for speed
And if ya ask, he’ll tell ya

Oh, the Places Chad Reed Will Go!
Originally by Dr. Seuss, improved by Chad Reed! And @AZ_RedDragon.
Congratulations!
Today is Chad Reed day.
Chad Reed is off to Great Places!
Chad Reed is off and away!
Chad Reed has brains in his head.
Chad Reed has feet in his shoes
Chad Reed can steer himself
any direction he choose.
Chad Reed is on his own. And he knows what he knows.
And CHAD REED is the guy who’ll decide where to go.

Poem #3 by @AZ_RedDragon
Chad Reeds a dude from Nantucket
With a dick so long he could suck it
And he said with a grin, as he wiped of his chin
If me ear was a cunt I’d fuck it.

Poem #4 by @AZ_RedDragon
Reed was a young man of Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia
The drawing was fine
The painting divine
But the aroma — ah, that was the failure.

Poem #5 by @AZ_RedDragon
Chad Reed rides with style and class
Even when passing your ass
His voice is deep when he talks
And you hear a clink when he walks
Because his balls are made out of brass.

Poem #6 by @AZ_RedDragon
Chad Reeds a dude from Kurri Kurri
Always in a bit of a hurry
But when he’d see a fine lass
He’d tickle her ass
And ride away saying No Worries


T’was Chad Reed’s Birth by @deadletters

Download (link to MP3)


Chad Reed’s A Space Lord by @KevinKraftSucks

Download (link to MP3)


Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha-Chad Reed @possiblytully

Download (link to MP3)


Bonus: Ellis Sings His Chad Reed Tribute Song (2/22/2011)

Download (link to MP3)


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Show recap for Thursday 2/20/2014

Hey guys (and girls, presumably) it’s me again, Jenni, and yeah, I know this is like the fourth time that you’re hearing from me this week and you’re probably sick and tired of this shit already, but this is the last you’ll have to deal with until my life goes back to normal and I can just chill on my regular Thursday time slot and get back to not bothering you all that much. I can commiserate if you’re having a ‘sick of this bitch’ episode, because frankly- I’m sick and miserable and have been complaining and whiny all day and even I’m sick of me. Joe is…a fucking saint. How he spends so much time with me (read 24/7- we work and live together) and doesn’t want to kill me and only laughs when I say no to absolutely everything because I’m feeling so miserable is completely beyond me. And I don’t just say no in a regular way. I make these weird meowishbunny ‘no’ sounds. So yeah. That’s what he deals with when I’m sick on top of the following conversation today:
“Hunny, I don’t know if I’m going to sneeze or projectile vomit.”
“Sounds exciting.”
“Seriously, though. And no…it’s not exciting at all.” I’m probably tinged green at this point.
“Well, if there’s even a chance that it’s going to be vomit, how about we go to the bathroom?” And then he takes me inside (thankfully we were working at a public place and not someone’s house) where I proceed to sneeze. And then puke. Then he told me to sleep in the truck and only occasionally threw boxes at me off of rooftops. Yeah…even including this in the recap is completely unnecessary, and I don’t usually whine, but I am full-on in whine mode. I’m sorry.

Getting to what you actually came here for- when I started TJES on my app it came in in the middle of Ellis saying a sentence and he was talking about his special voice and people complaining about songs and is his voice just so special that even though people hate the music they stick around? So I’m assuming that he was talking about people complaining about the music that gets played on Faction/gets played by Ellis on Faction…and well…shut the fuck up, you guys…cause I don’t care. And my opinion almost matters sometimes. He then goes right into talking about the Reddit Ask Me Anything that he participated in this morning/afternoon (depending on your time zone) that he did with the help of Tully since Ellis isn’t that great at reading or typing, and said that they answered the hard questions. But, really, though, he did answer all of the questions that he could, but I don’t think he considered any of them hard because he went on to say that there is nothing that he can be asked that would ‘shake him up’ because he’s already said it. It’s already out there. Which, if you are a listener of the show on the reg, you already know. I checked out the AMA and it was pretty interesting, and a couple of things struck me as funny, and if you’re interested in knowing what went on you can go here and check it out. While talking about the Reddit thing Tully mentions that he has a typing-related injury (probably) that he needs to get taken care of called Dupuytren’s Disease that can be corrected with surgery and he’s been looking for a window to get it taken care of. He says that it’s been bothering him more from typing up The Awesome Guide to Life and he definitely felt himself ‘clawing’ up while he was doing the typing for Jason on Reddit this morning. Ellis, ever the caring ManBossFriend that he is gave Tully full permission to get it taken care of right now and to forgo any and all emails for the next two weeks, unless he wants to do them from his phone with the other hand. Problem solved.

Speaking of problems and music and faction and people complaining and people complaining about music…Tully asks Will, “Wasn’t it about two weeks ago that you said in two weeks you would have those results from the Faction Board of Directors to go over with us?” He asks it in his oh-so-Tully way of knowing that it was totally 2 weeks ago while trying to maintain that boyish, ‘but I could be wrong about that’ that is making me hate him because the last thing I want to recap is more Board of Directors bullshit because it stopped being funny for me about a month and a half ago. Or right now (which is more likely) because I’m supercranky. And yeah, Will says that it was about two weeks ago, but no he doesn’t have the information ready to go over with them because it’s taking longer than he thought that it would because he has the big bosses that he has to answer to and has to wait for them to ‘okay’ the changes. How long will it be before we get to hear anything more about this? Probably another two weeks- and guys…shotty not if it happens on a Thursday- unless something completely epic happens during that time I will gloss over that shit like it never happened. But, some good does come out of Will popping into the studio to talk about the Board of Directors and surveys and such…and that good is…more HateBean songs. Will fires off some quick lines for HateBean songs and everyone gets a good laugh, especially because Will tries to do an ‘in da club’ song, and if there is one thing that man should never do- it’s try to rap. Just say no, Will. Ellis talks about how if they turn the HateBean songs into ringtones and sell them they will become bajillionaires, and also probably get people to answer their phones really quickly in public because he doesn’t know how many people will be showing off their HateBean ringtones among strangers.

Will goes back to doing whatever work he pretends to do when he isn’t on air and the subject turns to Ellismania X. Or Ellismania 10. Or EM10. The big one. The hall of fame one. The one that is going to be the shit and a half and I’m already scared that Hubbs and I are going to be wayyyyyyyyyy too poor to go to unless it magically winds up on the East Coast somewhere. Ellis and Tully start tossing names around for possible people that Ellis could fight for the main event in Ellismania 10 and A LOT of names get thrown out there by Ellis, Tully, and Ellisfam (by calls and tweets) and they fall into one of several categories: Not Going To Happen (But It Would Be Awesome), Ellis Would Die, Ellis Would Kill That Guy, Are You Insane, and Maybe. Some of the ‘Not Going To Happen (But It Would Be Awesome) include- Adam Corolla, Chris Liebman, Joe Rogan, Steven Segal, and Ken Block. Some of the ‘Ellis Would Die’ are- Forrest Griffin, Jason Mamoa, Don Fry, and possibly Mike Dolce. Guys That ‘Ellis Would Kill’ and doesn’t want to fight because they aren’t real fighters are- Carrot Top and Steven Segal (yeah, I know that he’s in more than one category). The ‘Are You Insane’ contenders include- Sugar Ray Leonard (seriously? He’s gone old man crazy if he accepts the fight at all), Evander Holifield, Kimbo Slice, Miesha Tate, and Tank Abbott. The one and only maybe that came out of the super long on air brain jam was from a caller whose name was either not given or I completely missed and it was Michael Jai White. Yeah, no one knew who he was either, but he’s an actor (He was Spawn in Spawn) and Ellis said that he would totally take that fight if it would happen. Tully suggests that it would be funny if Ellis fought both of the guys from Insane Clown Posse, but backtracks quickly because no one wants the crowd at the epic EM10 to be half Juggalo. No offense. Oh shit…another maybe was M Shadows. Ellis would fight M Shadows if he decides to take on a bunch of people because that would be sweet. They talk about how Ellismania 10 is going to be big and bad because, of course, it kind of has to be, how they are going to do the Ellismania Hall of Fame, fighting Dr. Drew, and then they talk about who Tully might fight. Is there gonna be a Michael Tully/Bob Levy rematch? Probably not…but Tully will work on getting beef with somebody real quick so there’s some backstory his fight can go on.

Back from the break, Tully reminds us that tomorrow is Chad Reed day and to celebrate they will be doing all sorts of Chad Reed related things on the show tomorrow. If you want in on the action as a listener, you can choose to either compose yourself a poem about the Great Chad Reed which you can try to call and read on air, or go the easy route and email that poem to the guys at the show at SubmitToEllis@gmail.com. Easy peasy. Make it good!

Christian is in the studio back from the break and Tully informs both him and Ellis that there is an app available that allows you to keep track of how long you have sex. Which, seems pretty useless, but whatever, and that the people who made the app used it to figure out where each of the 50 US states rank in the amount of time people spend in the sack per the average session. Ellis isn’t too keen on this whole idea because he thinks it’s dumb and it’s probably a skewed perspective because obviously not everyone having sex is using this app and yaddayaddayadda, but also because Mark McGrath and Tara Beaulieu made him feel weird about his sex life since they didn’t believe him when he said that he has sex 4 to 5 times per day (on average). Before letting us know the results Tully makes a statement that he was most surprised about what the actual average times were. The number one state was New Mexico which came in at a whopping 7 minutes and 1 second and the (I guess) loser was the state of Alaska which ticked in a measly 1 minute and 21 seconds. Christian made a joke about that not being too surprising because you don’t hear that Alaska is the home to all of the great lovers or anything like that…and then Hubbs made a joke about Katie being from Alaska and I laughed. Boom. They start talking about how Ellis probably only has sex two or three times a day if ‘sex’ counts as when he cums, which is still pretty impressive and I still give him hi-fives, because that’s on average and not all that far from his prior 4 to 5 times per day assertion. They then start talking about how they don’t think a lot of women are able to orgasm in a minute and a half and that’s when I go- no wonder so many women walk around in constant BitchFace, because even the top of the list was only barely 7 minutes. I’d be all bitch in the face too!!! This turns the conversation to women who can’t have vaginal orgasms and only orgasm as a result of clitoral stimulation and Tully digging into his memory banks to say that he’s never had an extended sexual relationship with a woman who was unable to have a vaginal orgasm, so maybe the statistic of it being over 50% who can’t is a little high. Either that or he is seriously bad at feeling out a fake female orgasm.

It’s that semi-annualish time of year again! Time to go through the top contenders that the guys have received for Unsigned Bands! Here is my really bad recap of their unsigned bands segment. They play 12 songs by 12 different bands all in varying degrees of suck and make some funny comments about the varying degrees of suck. Ellis tells everyone that they shouldn’t give up on their dreams, because you never know, unless they are old because then they probably know and just need to be told to go get an education and get a real job cause that shit is just not gonna happen. They have the intern Hardcore come in to listen to some of the songs with them because he is a contrary and Hardcore fellow, but he is young and they guys are trying to stay in touch with the young blood- even if it’s only to tell the young blood that they have shitty taste in music. I guess I count as part of the young blood (though most likely on the brisk of young blood and regular ol’ blood) and I will admit that I have shitty taste in music. I mean, I don’t heart the Biebs or anything, but, I tend to love shitty poppy music, and even I could tell that most of this was just terrible. Lot of bad production, lot of just…terrible instrumental/vocal match-ups, things like that, but they whittled it down to a face off between two bands. Ellis and Christan came down on the side of a band called 610 Connecter while Tully and Hardcore were rooting for an Emo/Skatish sounding band called Abandon All Hope. They put it to the callers and at first 610 Connecter took the early lead, but by the end Abandon All Hope won in the landslide. Throughout the segment the guys had some fun playing with mustache wax and Hardcore the Intern (who really is a contrary individual the likes of which haven’t been seen since that of Mary Mary) and I feel like there might have been a bit of bonding that happened. I don’t think their view of Hardcore or Hardcore’s view of them has changed at all…but…some accepting hatred may have occurred. Just saying.

Back from the break it’s time for a game that was devised by Will, but probably more likely was the brainchild of Betsy because her name gets mentioned later on and she has a great mind for bits for the show. The game is basically a ‘How Well Do You Know Ellis?’ trivia game that is played by Tully, Jetta, Kevin, Christian, and Ellis (to see if he remembers the answers that he gave Will this morning before the AMA) and the winner of it gets to be Ellis’ best friend forever, so it’s a prize that everyone reallyreallyreally wants. I’ve been trying to think of the best way to recap this game since I listened to it and took notes on it and I’m rather stumped to be honest. It was 21 questions plus a bonus question and then there were 5 people answering and I feel like listing all of the questions and all of the answers would take up soooooooo much space. But…I’m at a loss. Seriously…a loss. I just asked Hubbs (see…a motherfucking saint, I tell you) so I’m going to write out the question, the answer, and who got it right.
1. Q: What is Jason’s favorite food in the whole entire world? A: Chocolate
Right: Ellis
2. Q: If Jason were a carpenter, what would he build himself first? A: Yer mum’s house to fuck her in    Right: Ellis
3. If Jason had another male child, what would his name be? A: Twins- Shark Fucker and Michael Jackson    Right: Ellis (Although Tully came close with Laser Fang)
4. What is Jason’s favorite music other than rock/metal? A: Hip-Hop
Right: Ellis, Tully, Kevin, and Christian
5. If he could live anywhere other than America or Australia where would it be? A: Fiji
Right: Ellis and Jetta (pretty sure, at least)
6. What is Jason’s favorite cuss word? A: Fuckin
Right: Tully and Kevin
7. How would Jason like to be buried? A: Viking Funeral
Right: Ellis and Tully
8: If Jason could have any pet, what would it be? A: Shark
Right: Ellis and Christian
9. If Jason could have any guest on his show, who would it be? A: President Obama
Right: Ellis
10. What is the most offensive jewelry a man can wear? A: Shell necklace
Right: Ellis and Tully (because he wrote the book on that…lol)
11. What does Jason think is nature’s perfect food? A: Bat Dung Coffee
Right: fucking nobody…haha
12. How much should a man spend on a first date? A: As much as it takes to get laid
Right: Ellis, Kevin, and Christian
13. What is something about men that women secretly hate? A: Farts
Right: Ellis
14. What is Jason’s favorite mixed drink? A: Rum and Pineapple
Right: Ellis and Kevin
15. What is the world’s greatest smell, according to Jason? A: His kid’s head
right: Ellis
16. What is something that annoys Ellis that people always assume about him? A: That he had sex with Sandra Bullock       Right: Ellis
17. What is the fairest fight between Ellis and an Animal? A: A Cheetah (cause he’s not runnin’ this is a fight, son)     Right: Ellis
18. If Ellis could pick one historical figure to hang out with, who would it be? A: Michael Jordan     Right: Ellis
19. What is Jason’s favorite color? A: Black
Right: Ellis, Kevin, and Christian
20. What is Jason’s lucky number? A: 1
Right: Ellis
21. Who is Jason’s hero? A: Jason Ellis
Right: Ellis and Christian
22. Who is Jason’s best friend? A: Katie
Right: Ellis and I think Christian got that right too
Christian came out the winner beating Tully by one measly point, proving to Mark McGrath once and for all, that not every game is skewed in Tully’s favor. The bonus question was a question that Will asked Rude Jude and had the guys answer. Will asked Jude what his favorite race is. Ellis guessed Spanish, Tully/Jetta/Kevin think that Jude is a White Supremacist, and Christian thought he leaned more toward the Asian Persuasion. They were all wrong. Jude’s favorite race is the hundred meter dash. Ba-dum-pshhhh. You know…that’s supposed to be the drumroll/cymbal thing after a joke. Tell me how you think it should be spelled.

Back from the last break it’s time to talk a little MMA and you may know that I am really bad at paying attention to this whole MMA thing because I’m really not into it unless I’m watching it. UFC 170 is this weekend…probably Saturday because that makes more sense than it being on Sunday and I feel like that’s usually when Hubbs and I would go out to watch it, and it’s a big card. One of the big fights is between Daniel Cormier and Patrick Durkin Cummins (and I know that only because I did the recap yesterday and had to google that shit once already) and the other fight is between Ronda Rousey and Sarah McMan (and I only remember her last name because Christian made a joke about how RR is sososososososososo hot and McMan sort of looks like a McMan). The favorites to win are Dormier and Rousey, respectively, and the guys decide to put a wager on it with some torture going to the loser. Tully and Cumtard each pick a girl, Tully going with the favorite Rousey and Cumtard stuck with McMan the underdog, and the loser has to drink a shot of their own urine. Ick. Actually…I drank pee once when I was little (because I was four and my sister was sort of evil back then) and it wasn’t enough to scar a four year old- so whatevs on that. For the second bet Ellis is backing Dormier to win over Cumtard’s Cummins (haha) and if Ellis loses he has to go on the Cumtardian’s podcast. If TardTard loses he gets to eat whatever he likes for 45 minutes (most likely some lobster tail) and then immediately has to take a big bite out of a raw onion. Because- of course, that’s why. Cumtard says that means on Monday he is going to be drinking his own pee and eating an onion, and it sure looks that way, but Tully says that he is rooting for Rousey to lose because he loves an underdog.

Final calls have sort of been happening since the guys came back from break and there are a lot of people talking about a lot of things and a lot of people getting shot and a couple of kids even call in to the show, for some reason. I’m going to skip all of that. There was one caller who called in and did not give his name, but he had some pretty devastating news: apparently his parents died in a car wreck earlier today and he was driving home to go deal with it. He said on the phone that he didn’t really have anyone to call and talk to about it, so he called Ellis and the guys because, well, Ellis is pretty good with all of this tough shit (as rough around the edges that he may be). He and Ellis talk for a while and Ellis tells him to drive extrasupersafe on his way home and that he’ll get through it, and yes, it will change his life but he should not let it destroy his life. And caller, if you are out there, if this ever crosses paths with you: I’m sure I speak for all of Ellisfam (except for that one dick who needs to have his toenails removed from his feet and forced into the walls of his anus after being barbed for his pleasure) when I say that our heart goes out to you, man. There is not much to be said so far as comfort, because…how can that be comforted? The only thing that will help with the pain will probably be time, but know that Ellisfam has your back. They’ve had my back for a while now, through some of my own tough times, and I’m sure everyone would do the same for you. Please don’t feel alone. Reach out to us here, on twitter, on instagram…we’re everywhere. Personally, I’m always good to listen. I kind of suck at talking…but I will listen and I will try and say the right thing, even if the only thing I say is “that’s shitty, I love you, hugs from far away”. Condolences, unknown caller, my heart is breaking for you.

What we learned on the show today:

I’m sick and cranky

Reddit with Ellisfam is a freewheeling conversation with your fingers

No disease will stop Tully from sending his emails

The guys got their hands on a Keytar

Kelly Slater would kick a shark’s ass in a fight and is also probably Aquaman

Don Fry has a mustache that is not to be fucked with

Ellis got Mustache Wax and a Mustache comb

Ellis is the ideal candidate for a slow poisoning by Jetta and Hardcore

Ellis’ 1st wife took forever to orgasm and it was the worst sex ever cause then she cried

Tully thought the point of sex was to make girls orgasm

Medical Marijuana may or may not help stop the spread of HIV, but it definitely helps cancer patients/terminally ill people eat food

The Raiders Cheerleaders are suing the Management for making them…be cheerleaders

Patrick Durkin Cummins was a Barista 3 days ago and may very be one again next week

Tully is gonna have a shitty weekend bc he and his wife are taking the pacifier away from LittleMan

LittleMan is not, in fact, a little man- he is a feral mutant sewer monkey belligerent idiot moron monkey junkie who doesn’t speak english

Final callers still suck and can’t stop dying

 

 

 

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Show Re-Cap for Monday 2/10/2014

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Tully isn’t there, but Shoebox can be pretty funny, right?

Until now, you have remained safe. Wait. That’s old. Until now, it was just Monday. Now it’s Monday with TJES, so that makes it a little better, right? So quick roll call reveals the following: My adopted father (Tully) is not there today, in his place is Christian James Hand (Shoebox), and since it is Monday, Dingo is there as well. So straight off the bat, the show is already missing Tully as nobody can figure out how to put video up on the monitor. Will’s off gallivanting with Comedy Central for some reason unrelated to the show. And Sam Rubin got bitch slapped by Samuel L. Jackson because he mistook him for Laurence Fishburne. What a fucking hemorrhoid. So of course being his own biggest fan, Sam had to call TMZ to attack them over his utterly foolish fuck up. Again, what a fucking hemorrhoid. Dingo tried to stick up for Sam, but that’s like having a serial rapist speak on your behalf during your tax evasion trial – not gonna help. Especially when Dingo can’t distinguish between Laurence Fishburne, the entire Wayons family, Michael Clarke Duncan, Terry Crews, all blacks, all gays, and Jim Carey. Amazing. Also, his mother is not racist and looks better than Mickey Rourke.

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You know who understand you and your mom & dad issues? This guy.

Ellis finally confronted his Dr. Drew TV femnazi anti-fan on Twitter, she thinks he’s a sexist and keeps trying to rally other dumb bitches to get behind her hate bullshit. Speaking of twats, Mum Ellis texted Son Ellis over the weekend, putting son in a bad mood. She called, lost his address and wanted to know what Tiger is into. She follows him on Instagram and shit, and everyone knows what Tiger is into, except her apparently. Ellis calls her back, tells Mum his address, tells her what Tiger is into and just wants off the phone, he was cold with her because of all their past. Mum asks him what people back home would think of him and he doesn’t give two shits about what those fuckers think about him. Couple days go by, she sends him a text basically apologizing for his childhood, says his lack of care and love for her is breaking her heart, she can’t take it anymore, wishes him all the best, and will now get out of his life, though her door is always open to him and his children. Ellis is still too pissed off about all the bullshit he put up with his childhood, that was part of her doing as his mother, and he’ll continue to go to therapy to try to deal with his past.

so_i_wrote_words

Dingo has no idea what is going on and could care less.

Cumtard brought us back in from break with a kooky “Hey!” Not like how Frank DeCaro says it, but like a whack-a-doody morning radio turd. He came in with a story about Michael Sam, the former Missouri defensive end who is an NFL prospect, coming out saying that he is gay. This could make him the first openly gay man being drafted into the NFL. According to Dingo, this is Terry Crews. Black guy story time, when Ellis came to America, he went through a drive-thru to get some food, a homeless black guy came up to him and Ellis couldn’t understand his blaccent and was just amazed at how black he was. The next day he was wondering why people are so racist against black dudes but okay with buying Volvos. Cool story, huh? Look, nobody ever said the story had to make sense, be related to the news story, or have a point. Christian Hand had a blaccent issue once with Charles Barkley, he thought he was talking about nipple weights – turns out Barkley was talking about ping pong tables. I mean, you could see how easily the two could be confused, right? Game time, not gay NFL black guy game, but a game about metal – since Cumtard and Katie are into metal. Maybe they’re into gay potential NFL players as well, I don’t know, but that’s not the point. So basically, we’re going to be listening to some metal songs and see how long they can stand to listen to each track, with tracks being picked by Katie or Cumtard. Whoever’s track picks have been listened to the longest, wins. Turns out Katie and Cumtard are both into metal bands that are heavily influenced by J R R Tolkien, and Dingo’s completely confused so he gets some alone time with his phone. So when the pretend Hobbit smoke cleared, Katie was the clear winner as her tracks got played much longer than Cumtard’s flimmity-flam-sham-squibble-de-doink track picks.

glass_case_of_emotion

Ellis being tortured by having to do radio while 3 porn chicks are naked in studio.

Back from break with 3 sets of titTAYs in the studio. Why are they in the studio, because that’s what AJ McLean wants, call it a birthday gift. He also wants to take you down, take you down to Butt Town. There’s all kinds of vagina being flashed around the studio by Natasha Starr (who Dingo thinks likes chocolate – not choking), Dillion Harper, and Alexa Aimes and they’re drinking champagne, so things should get pretty… loose – if you catch my drift. AJ took over the captains chair while Ellis took his spot so he could concentrate on the show have a naked porn chick on his lap and sit in semi-silence with a semi-boner. AJ likes his naked chick surprise, but he thinks it would’ve been more surprising if Ellis, Dingo, and Christian were naked in the studio. Let him take you down, take you down to Butt Town – know what I’m sayin’? AJ brought in a gift as well, an Anvil iPhone case, which of course needed to be rubbed on some porn pussy, because that’s how all phone cases are tested. Ellis keeps getting distracted by two porn chicks playing with each other on the couch and Dingo is distracted by his phone and AJ, who wants to take him down, take him down to Butt Town. There was something about AJ’s horrible tribal tattoo that he got done in a German hotel from a guy named Skeletor. No word on if he was taken down, taken down to Butt Town.

deal_with_it

Don’t like my recap? Deal with it.

The bus for Butt Town just left, it took the chicks with it. But it dropped off some crazy stalker at the stop, who was arrested for coming back to stalk Paris Hilton, this time with tattoos of her on his body. Dingo knows all about Beats By Dre, how they’re made, who all was involved making them, including the people on the assembly line, and he thinks there’s a good possibility he get Ellis a headphone sponsor, because why the fuck not, right? According to Dingo, Christian’s ex-girlfriend still loves him and asks about him an absurd amount. Christian thinks he’s full of shit, but the Dingo swears it’s true, which is pretty much like the gospel of God, so you know that shit is more than true – it’s the troof. Christians current girlfriend refuses to lick his ass, unless it’s a super special occassion, and she also refuses to go see the new Lego movie with him, so he’s gonna lick his own ass and go see the new Lego movie by himself. So Chad Reed wrecked this weekend, sounds like he got injured in that crash but he’s a god damn man that can take that shit, plus he eats his Reedies, the cereal of men, so he’s not even sweating that shit. Yet. Someone called asking about Rawdog (seriously) and Ellis says he’s over it. Apparently Rawdog tried to talk some shit and get Ellis and the show in trouble on his way out, which obviously didn’t go over well with Ellis and crew. Dingo however did see him on the skreets, walking into a McDonald’s. Seriously, Dingo fucking sees and hears all, he knows everyone. Matter of fact, you wouldn’t have been born if Dingo didn’t convince your mom to let your dad take her down, take her down to Butt Town, so you can thank Dingo for even being alive. Since I know you’re wondering, but are too afraid to ask Dingo, I’m going to answer the question you’ve dying all day to ask. What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis. OH!

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Gotchya!

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