Friday’s here and I’m sick as fuck. I don’t think it’s Ebola though, so that’s good. I’m completely out of it, so expect this recap to either suck hard, suck soft, or completely derail into whatever the fuck my mind is on at the moment. Since everyone is understandably getting sick of hearing my name, I refrained from Tweeting too much or submitting any news stories to the show today. Instead, I’ll randomly share a few of them here. Continue reading
If you’re reading this right now, you’re probably wondering, “Who the fuck is Cody and why is this asshole putting words on my screen?!” Well, let me enlighten you: I’m your mum’s favorite play thing, your new step-daddy, and the newest Sherpa to lead you on the journey of debauchery that is TJES. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the show. Ellis starts off by mentioning how slick his back is and that being slick means being more aerodynamic, which in turn means being more on-point and awesome. Ellis also mentions that we’re all fish people since we came out of the water (which is technically true. Score one for Ellis). Tully is back from playing doctor with his family, who I presume got some of that dang ol’ Ebola going around these days. DAMN YOU, AFRICA! Wolfscrub, the coffee-based body scrub that Katie’s friend made, is now available for purchase so you too can rub coffee grounds all over yourself like a deranged barista whose had to make one too many pumpkin spice lattes to fuel the endless horde of white girls in yoga pants and Uggs that ravage the land during Fall. It’s OK, buddy, it’ll all be over soon. You can purchase the scrub at etsy.com/shop/wolfscrub.
Ellis was on Dr. Drew last night and had a little accident on his way there. Ellis arrived a little early to CNN and decided to hang outside and soak up the sun, but his stomach was still bothering him from a bug he contracted from Tiger. After wandering around for a bit, Ellis stopped to lean against a pole and felt a rumble in his stomach, a signal that can mean one of two things: either you fart and it’s no worries or you shit your pants like a filthy animal. Unfortunately for Ellis, it was the latter. With a fresh serving of butt-butter in his pants, Ellis ran over to a sports bar (where he used to fuck a chick on a bar-stool because he’s Ellis and that’s not the least bit surprising) to address his now soiled undies. After cleaning himself up and throwing his boxers away, he headed back to the CNN building. Ellis wanted to avoid being called out for any potential shit smell that might be lingering on him, so he decided to hang out on the green room couch. All the girls on the show decided to surround him for a photo, unaware of the atrocity that had befell him mere minutes ago. Poor Ellis.
The UFC put some footage of Connor McGregor’s visit to the show in a video package promoting the upcoming fight, much to the delight of Ellis. Will stopped in to mention the Tony Hawk event that’s happening soon and a chance to win tickets to it. Go to siriusxm.com/faction for more info. Ellis is going to Australia for his Xmas vacation while Tully is going to Hawaii. How do you say, “Come at me, bitch!” in Hawaiian?
After the break, Hot Dog revealed that he also once shit his pants. He was watching TV and let out what he thought he was a fart, but it turned out to be a “soupie poopie”. He cleaned himself up and went back to watching TV. A few minutes later, he felt another fart coming and shit his pants yet again. Back-to-back pants shitting is about as rare as seeing Will run any distance for any length of time. It’s like a double rainbow or some shit. Ellis mentioned his TeraCross races being on CBS Sports in the coming weeks and Tully revealed that he will be crying like a little bitch on Sunday when he watches Derek Jeter play in his final game. Don’t worry, Tully, I cry over sports too because I’m a man whose comfortable with his feelings and FUCK YOU, I’LL CRY IF I WANT TO! Tully made-up a new game for Ellis and Hot Dog to play where they have to determine whether a crime was committed by legit gang members or Faygo-swilling Juggalos. Turns out Juggalos are pretty hardcore and are willing to carve letters into someone’s chest and tie-up their grandma, beat her with pots and pans, and steal her car to prove that they’re down with clown. WOOP! WOOP!
Horse Force’s show in NYC was brought up and Ellis invited fans to hang out with them while they’re there for the week. Just don’t follow them to dinner or something like that, you fucking stalker. Ellis confirmed that Ellis Mania 10 will be happening early next year in Vegas, but no official date or exact location can be revealed yet. The guys took some ideas for the fight that’s happening at the Horse Force show and decided on tying bungee cords to the fighters waists and feet, which can result in them toppling over like a drunkard trying to throw a punch. The best two fighters will get to fight at EM10.
We came back from the break with Heidi and Frank in the studio to play a game of Password. I’ll be honest, Heidi annoyed the ever living fuck out of me and sounded like a frat guy with her obnoxious laugh and painfully unfunny attempt at humor, so I wasn’t really listening too intently. Heidi and Frank ended up winning the game and everyone started talking about shitting their pants (a common theme on today’s show). Heidi said she pooed in her vag and got a UTI as a result. Women, am I right? Apparently some chick “dropped a clot” in Frank’s truck one time and he didn’t know it until he opened his truck and smelled it after it had sat in the sun all day.
The Ultimate Fighter was mentioned and Ellis is behind the Ozzy chick (of course) while Tully is a fan of the “Scottish Care Bear”, as he put it. AC/DC is losing one of their founding members, Malcolm Young, to retirement and will be replacing him with Malcolm’s nephew. Good luck playing those same three riffs over and over. New “Faction with Jason Ellis” bumpers were reviewed with mixed results. Will came in and decided to quiz Ellis and Tully on current world news. Turns out Ellis doesn’t know shit. Shocking. Oh, and apparently the White House likes to keep the front door unlocked. Great plan, guys. What could go wrong? More Wolfknives names were handed out and some lucky bastards saw their hard-earned money pay for names such as “Mr. Dead Uterus”, “Infected Shuttle”, and “Chitty-Chitty Gang-Bang”. Cullen stopped in for final calls and the show wrapped.
So there we have it, my first recap is in the books. Normally, this is where I’d say “thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it”, but fuck that. The only fuck I give is the one I give to your mum on a nightly basis. Later, bitches!
Hey there Lads and Ladies, and hopefully black people who are also Lads and Ladies, but, like Ellis, I’m just gonna throw the specification out there and hope that you are part of the audience of The Jason Ellis Show and are also here reading this wonderful recap on this fantastic site…and, really, no matter how many times I tried to write that sentence, it still feels kind of racist, so I’m just gonna throw out there that my Great Grandma’s name is Xulema and she was from Louisiana and I have booty for days and hold on to the dear hope that I am more than just the whitest of the white. God…still kind of racist. Whatever. Today’s show was not, in fact, a Best Of, which Hubbs and I may have been the only people who thought that for three seconds before we realized we were tuned into the Jason Ellis Channel (SiriusXM 713) rather than The Jason Ellis Show on Faction with Jason Ellis (SiriusXM 41) and Jason opened up the show with a big welcome to all of us listening and his sincere desire to have more really black friends because he doesn’t have close black friends, not to offend any of the acquaintance type friends he has that are black, and he thinks life would be better if he had one. And somewhere, Sal Masekela was probably listening to Ellis say these words and I imagine a single solitary tear rolling down his cheek as he was referred to as a ‘cream pie’ because…HA motherfucking Ha.
Anyway, HotDog wanders his wonderful boob touching self into the studio and he gets to talking with Ellis and Tully about what he’s been up to as of late and he says that he’s been loafing it pretty hard the past few days, which sounds really offensive to me, but he really just means that he’s been up to a whole lot of nothing but getting high and watching television. Which, consequently seems to be on the menu for da Hubbs and I since we have managed to find ourselves unemployed (and no, it’s not because we got caught having sex on a roof somewhere), except for the whole getting high thing since neither of us do that, and not really so much of the watching TV thing since we don’t really do that either. I’m actually fully over How It’s Made…I don’t think they make new episodes anymore (the Dream Cars don’t count because I don’t care about them) and I’ve seen every existing episode about a thousand times. Yeah, I inserted my own personal tragedy there. Fucking shithole douchebag scumbag asshole boss was like “Consider yourself unemployed because I need to blame someone for my mistakes that I make running my own business,” and I’m a little bummed, but also really mostly over it. On to bigger and better things and more time for recaps…am I right? But yeah, so Ellis, Tully, and Hotdog talked about working out, which is something that HotDog does not do, but thinks about from time to time and it seems like he might be taking some lessons from Ellis at his Garage Onnit Gym because HotDog can get his hands on a Tractor Tire, probably. Ellis and Tully also find out that HotDog has an apartment in LA (which I have no idea how they missed that the 100 other times he mentioned it) and learn that his favorite foods are pizza, doritos, and popcorn. Tully pegs HotDog as one of the luckiest people alive because he is one of those people whose life’s ambitions and pleasures are all relatively simple, as he is a young man who has never owned a pair of jeans in his life. I think Tully is kind of jealous of the happiness that HotDog finds in simplicity, but we all already know that Tully would kind of love to be one of those kinds of people, but in reality would probably hate it unless he managed to get a brain transplant so he could have the kind of personality to be satisfied by the simpler things in life.
Today is the HotDog’s first actual day back for his second round of interning for The Jason Ellis Show (which means all those boob grabs were freeloader boob grabs) and Ellis and Tully talk to him a bit about what he’s learned about the Radio Industry considering it is what HotDog wants to do with his life. He replies that he’s learned a lot about call screening and that he’s learned a lot about behind the scenes stuff from Will and Tully, and credits Ellis with teaching him how to work with people. Which is kind of funny since Ellis can come off rather volatile at times (because he cares, no hate here) but he clarifies saying that Ellis puts a premium on having everyone work together as a team to get things done. Then Ellis kind of puts HotDog on the spot and has him host a bit to try out the ‘Radio Host’ aspect of the biz and puts him on for Dude, Am I A Slut. HotDog only got to take two calls from two sort of sluts but sort of not sluts and I had my finger on the call button on my phone to call to have HotDog tell me that I am a slut because I felt bad, but I was behind a couple minutes in listening and by the time I got through they weren’t doing it anymore. Ellis gave HotDog a few pointers on what he can take away from the experience (other than being bad at it, but I don’t think he was that bad) and also let him know that over the course of this internship he’ll be given a few more shots at running bits to see if he gets any better, which is pretty cool.
After HotDog goes back to the Dungeon (or Green Room, you know, whatever you wanna call it) Tully brings up the season premiere of The Ultimate Fighter last night, and what Ellis thought about it. Ellis didn’t think all that much about it other than the house seemed cool and he noticed Justin Bua’s artwork on the walls, and the girls all seem like good fighters, but since there’s only been one episode he didn’t really have a handle on who he would pick to be a winner at this point. He talked a bit about the fight that took place on the episode and how, in the after show, the girl that lost was very steadfast with certainty that she shouldn’t have lost the fight even though she was on the ground most of the time, and Ellis said he’s starting to kind of understand that angle, which is an angle he previously took issue with. Ellis also said that he was kind of into the whole aftershow since he was more interested in watching the girl and host talk about the fight than he was in watching whatever drama occurred during the show itself when the girls were crying about who stole who’s makeup. It makes more sense than there being an aftershow for Teen Wolf, anyway…sorry short lived member of DDD! TyPo! (Lol, jk I’m not sorry at all, I don’t give a half shit about that show).
A Happy Birthday is in store for The Backbone, Bryan Cullen, the man behind the scenes and across the country from The Jason Ellis Show, so…Happy Birthday!!!! And yeah, it really blows that your birthday will basically forever be overshadowed by the fact that a National Tragedy occurred on this date in more recent history because thousands of innocent people lost their lives…and there’s no other way to end that sentence. It is also September 11th, which is a date that no one will ever forget, and a day where I hope everyone takes just a couple of minutes to remember the lives lost, and the lives that continue to be lost not just because of the terrorist organization responsible for the WTC and Pentagon attacks, but because of Terror Organizations everywhere…with all this ISIS stuff going on, with the unrest in Syria…wars are still being fought whether they are called wars or not, and there are still Americans overseas losing their lives as well as the innocent people in those countries who are subjected to horrific things every day. I don’t think there can ever be world peace, but, I think that there is a more peaceful world we can be living in and I think it’s important to remember. There are a lot of people who think we should forget, who don’t want to remember, and I understand that…but it’s like saying all those people don’t matter. I’m a New Yorker, September 11th is a big deal to me…I know people who died 13 years ago today and I know people who are still overseas fighting these battles. It’s a sad day, like Ellis said, but Happy Birthday Backbone, you’re a great man to us all!
On to….equally depressing things…Ellis is headed to Australia for the Holiday Season. Like, really. Had to talk about booking flights and stuff and it occurs to him now that he is actually going through with it and he is going to be in Australia for the first time since he was married. That’s a long time. It’s kind of messing with him a bit because there’s a lot of unresolved shit back home in Koala Land and as much as he wants to deal with it, he doesn’t want to deal with it, he just wants to be past it and…he says he feels like he’s ready but…oh ellipses, you’re such a brutal fuck sometimes. Ellis has issues with his Mum and how she reacted to him trying to talk to her about things from his childhood and he has a lot of resentment for her and doesn’t really think that she did the best that she could with him considering the cards that she was dealt. Ellis wants her to have a relationship with his kids and his kids want a relationship with her, and he doesn’t want to let his kids in on the info that screwed his relationship with his mother in the first place. This part of the show was super sad for me. I dunno…there were a couple of callers with some really good advice and a lot of encouragement and Tully suggesting that maybe he should just write his mother off in his mind (until his kids are grown and he can write her off for real) and it was just sad. I mean, really, Ellis’s mother didn’t even text him back when he was going in for Heart Surgery. That shit is colder than cold.
Back from the first break, Women, Am I Right? If you were listening yesterday then you knew this was on the menu for today and after a long break between crazy lady stories…let’s see what antics the female population has been up to, shall we? First off there’s the lady who crashed her car while shaving her vag on her way to see her boyfriend…which is just…amazing. I mean…I get touchy shaving my vag in the shower because I’m scared that one false move will disfigure my very very beautiful vagina…but holy, shit lady…what happens if you hit a bump in the road? Or you know, like another fucking car?!?!?!?!?!?! But, I guess she thought she had all her bases covered since she had her Ex-Husband in the car with her and he was working the wheel while she had her feet on the pedals and her hands and eyeballs on her vaginal area, so I can see how she felt a little more confident in this FUCKING INSANE ENDEAVOR. And, also lady, hi five on getting your ex to help you drive to your boyfriend’s house while you shave your vag #classyasfuck. Next up, there’s the lady who performed a home invasion and bit the face of her female victim and claimed it was part of a zombie game and had nothing to do with her being high as fuck, and I’m just over here being like, The Walking Dead isn’t even back on TV for another month you dummy. Although it did make Ellis think that he should start a zombie game on Instagram, which I kind of look forward to cause, you know, Zombies rule. That kind of pales in comparison to the Florida Babysitter who stabbed a man she babysits for because he refused to have sex with her. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Isn’t the Dad supposed to be all creepy and try and seduce the babysitter? And on and on it went because…Women, Am I Right?
Speaking of New York (which I was earlier and so were Jason and Tully) The Jason Ellis Show is performing a Tour de Horse this October and will be coming to New York for a week and topping it all of Saturday, October 25th with a HorseForce performance and hopefully some Ellismania Fight Prelims cause HELL YEAH!!!! Ellis wants to take some calls for ideas from fans for some new fight ideas because NY is gonna be a test run for whichever fight seems like it will work the best and then that is going to be a new fight at the long anticipated Ellismania 10, prolly in Vegas. Ellis is still backing his Master Blaster idea where two people are strapped to him and Kit Cope and they all duke it out and there are some other promising ideas put forth by callers including a Blindfold Fight, A Bouncy Castle type Fight, a T-Rex Fight, a Fight with weighted Boots, and some other things which I missed because shit happened and I lost 5 minutes…but it was only five minutes so…deal with it. Tully also brought up an idea for Shock Collar Charades performed by fans which I think sounds like an amazing idea and I fully volunteer to don the shock collar and act out charades for Hubbs to guess…because that’s sexy, because I’m a freak. They’re also thinking about bringing the punch pad out here and letting fans throw some punches, and having HotDog judge him some East Coast Boobies…which, again, I volunteer myself for, because my boobs are awesome and Hubbs is cool with it because it’s for a good cause.
Back from another break Tully and Ellis are talking about a statue in Vancouver that is a giant Satan where the penis was taken off for being offensive. There is a petition going around to have the Satan statue re-endowed and the police up there are all ‘hey, come on down and get the penis’ but no one has fallen for that one yet. They go on to talk about all manner of statues that could be lewd and crude and offensive and wonder if they would be forced to take them down or not, and if the same size statue, but of Jesus or something Christian were around, if people would have a problem with it. This gets transitioned into a veryveryveryvery long segment where Tully wonders if there’s any other Celebrity/Public figure that deserves to be taken care of/given a job a la World’s Greatest Wednesday Hulk Hogan. And…honestly…I was not a big fan of the segment. It went on for like 45 minutes longer than it should of and my mind constantly wandered to, “huh, I guess they didn’t have much planned for the show today” and if I pumped it up and was all, ‘best segment ever’ I’d be a liar and I am not a liar. I enjoyed it for the first 15 minutes, approximately, but then it got all draggy and I continued taking notes but not being too happy about it. There are several celebs who Ellis and Tully think are deserving of the Hulk Hogan treatment, like Marilyn Manson, Cindy Lauper, Pamela Anderson, Danzig, David Lee Roth, and Mr. T…and they should be showered with small apartments or farms in Minnesota, but there were tons of celebs offered up by the callers that got the big ‘hell no’ or the less offensive, ‘no, they don’t really need any help, they’re doing good’ like Tomg Green, Pauly Shore, LT, Ralph Macchio, and Vanilla Ice. Like I said, I didn’t really enjoy the segment and it fell kinda flat, so I’m not going to subject you to reading about it because in this case, I HAVE ALL THE POWER SO YOU GOTS TO BE SUBJECTED TO MY WILL NIETSCHE-STYLE.
Rounding out the show, amidst final calls, Tully brings up that Ellis will be on with Dr. Drew tonight and one of the things that he will be discussing is the lady who decided to give her child some Fireball Whiskey, post a pic of it to Facebook, and subsequently was arrested. Now, Ellis and Tully seem to agree that this woman was very stupid to post the picture to social media given that in these wonderful times we live in, there are whistle blowers everywhere, and she may generally not be the best mom ever…but criminal? They go back and forth on the difference of if it had been a sip of beer, if the kid had been older than 7, if it was a shot as opposed to a sip…and I just think that we’re in different times. Things that our parents did to us or for us, are things that get people arrested today, for better or for worse. No…you probably should not give a 7 year old a sip of whiskey, but you should definitely not do it and then post it to Facebook. I don’t remember when I had my first taste of wine, but I was prolly around 9 and my parents didn’t make a big deal about it. I don’t really worry about it with my stepson because he thinks that Daddy’s beer smells really bad (probably because he thinks anything that isn’t water is disgusting). Do I think the lady should have been arrested and that she should go to jail? Not really. If anything, yeah, maybe get CPS to pay her a visit and make sure everything is going okay and at most she should have been given some sort of citation…but prolly having her arrested is insane. There was a caller that suggested that maybe there was something more going on behind the scenes since she experienced something similar and DSS asked her a couple questions and everything was okay…but I don’t even know about that. Social workers are people, they have to rely on their own instincts to make judgment calls and sometimes they can be overly cautious…also, considering the amount of scrutiny that Social Workers are under nowadays some may operate under the ‘better safe than sorry’ policy that can lead to traumatic experiences for families who haven’t done anything wrong. Whatever…just some thoughts.
What we learned on TJES today:
Ellis wants more black friends
HotDog gets the refillable bucket of popcorn at the movie theater so he can bring it home for snacktime
Caller Holly is a Slut…and she knows it
Ellis is going to start Transcendental Meditation with Katie
Don’t shave and drive
Sluggo Hurt his back
Leave Danzig Alone
BJ Baldwin is kind of a superstar
Minnesota has plenty of room to give some celebs free farms
Burt Reynolds > Ocean’s 11 cast
Ellis is going to see Sam Tripoli perform some comedy tonight
Good Comedy is way harder to find than Good Tits
Thanks for listening to me blather on, guys!!! Love you xoxo
This is the 2nd installment of the “What Is The Dumbest Thing You’ve Ever Done” segment. The 1st one was chock full of callers with all sorts of stupid. So much so that they had to do another round.
All of them are worth listening to, but I would say a few of the highlights were: Brian threatens the police, Josiah shoots himself in the hand, Bob shits off a bridge, Tully stabs his sister, Cullen celebrates Tully’s birthday, and Jason shoots his wife.
I remember this all too well. It was near the end of the show, at the very end of one of Rawdog’s infamous New Music Tuesday segments. This portion of the segment was only 3 minutes, 24 seconds long, but it felt like an eternity. I literally thought I was going insane, the music, the sounds, my brain starting to break.
I think this audio should be used as an interrogation technique, it’ll make a motherfucker crack. Real quick. Thanks to The Backbone (@Cullensaidthis), I get to torture any of you who feel brave enough to test it. I’m almost positive this audio has never been replayed. Ever. If it did get replayed, it couldn’t have been more than 1 time. Now test your resolve and give it a listen.
Download (link to MP3)