Afternoon, fuck-a-roos! It’s #WhitePeopleWednesday, #WhorePissWednesday, #WreckedPussyWednesday, and #WangPenisWednesday. Actually, I think it’s only one of those, but whatever. Let’s get right into it with some bullet points! Continue reading
I seriously don’t ever remember a time when Bert McCracken was on the show and it wasn’t hilarious. He’s a great guest, great sandwich artists, and he also makes his own sausages. I never would’ve even given that dude a thought if he didn’t show up on TJES and holy hell, I’m glad he did. Listen to Bert completely ignore the conversation about Dom not being able to hear and try to sell Dom on the idea of becoming an employee at Subway. Then listen to a caller trying to convince the guys that they should let McFadden talk more about singularity and how interesting it is. Continue reading
Bert drops by and hears his intro to the show. He reveals that he & his wife’s “couple song” is Kung-Fu Fighting, to which Ellis shares his & Katie’s “couple song.” Bert then promptly sings a little “couples song” ditty more in Ellis’ & Katie’s liking.
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Welcome to Wednesday, welcome to this thing, and it is indeed a thing. Lets put you in the right mood before we start. First off, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently menstruating. How am I doing so far? Good. Secondly, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently married to Wilson. Am I right? Good. Finally, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently still reading this. I knew it! Okay, now we’re ready to begin. Ellis learned something new today, he be all like “oooooooohhh” instead of just being like “yeeeeeaaaaaahhhh” and that’s going to change the face of your face and the button bar’s face. Some caller said he rolled his car while listening to the show, a couple of tense moments as we didn’t hear from the caller – we all thought he was dead, but then a miracle happened! He remembered he called into the show and then he spoke! AMAZING! SCIENCE! WIENERS! Dingo’s not here today, but he kind of is because he knows what everybody is doing at all times. Tully went to have drinks last night with an old pal, after three drinks he began to question what the fuck he was doing – I call it having a good time. ~Kid Rock He doesn’t know what else to do when just hanging out. He refuses to meet anyone for a coffee after dark, which I fully agree with, that’s a negative Ghostrider. Tully might have also cracked a mystery puzzling the entire world, Ryan Seacrest may indeed be gay. Ellis had a meeting last night with a production company about TV shows, I assume TV shows he’ll never be given a chance to be in, even if they are his own. They talked about the idea of Ellis Mini-Moto Mania, mixed with a TUF style elimination set of rounds. So now that’s the show they’re going to pitch and Tully will now be a part of since he thought of the good part.
You know Nelson Mandela died, right? Yeah, well, some dude pretending to use sign language during the memorial was there. Not doing anything even remotely close to sign language. This guy is basically going around trolling services with his fake sign language, and for that, I salute you Mr. Big Fat Phony Sign Languager Guy. Tully’s had enough being condemned to a chair by the man, he tested out his idea of pacing around the studio while talking. Manny Pacquiáo might be broke as shit, which would make sense because he’s a Filipino and as we all saw from that typhoon, the entire country lives in metal shacks. While waiting for some big wieners and some hot buns, they killed some time by handing out a few Wolfknives names to new members. To properly do this, Ellis joined Tully in pacing around the studio, which I supported by pacing around my office while writing this – thank you technology and legs and you too feet! Metallica became the first band in the history of the world to play on every continent on Earth, even Antarctica.
Finally. WIENERS! Angie Stevenson, her sister, and one of her hot friends came in bearing gifts, the gift of wieners. She runs a wiener truck that makes the claim “The biggest wieners and the hottest buns” so we shall see if they live up to the hype. You may also remember her from the Taintstick video Apple Juice, or maybe you know her from her porn days as Angie Savage – you dirty little masturbator. Side note, Ellis has boinked Angie, allegedly of course. She says they’re trying to make it wholesome brand, which I suppose shaking your tits and ass at sixteen-year-old and overloading on the sexual innuendos could be considered wholesome. This is ‘MURICA, damn it! So without further
tits ado, the guys had the wiener girls and wiener boy (Wilson) help make an intro for the show. It was a little painful to hear one of the chicks try to stammer out words, but Wilson’s bits really smoothed out the rough edges, especially his German gaping voice. Then we went to break so everyone could fill their wholes with some meaty wieners and relish in the deliciousness of a premium tube of meat by products.
We came back with some news about a drunk driver whose lawyer successfully got his client off. To something. I don’t know. Christian Hand is in studio, which makes sense because it gave him a chance to run into hot chicks. But he also has some Grammy nominations, none of which include Death! Death! Die! So who is up for a Grammy this year? I don’t fuckin’ care, go check it out for yourself, ya lazy fucker! I will tell you this though, it’s no wonder I don’t give a shit about the Grammy’s, because every track they played (with the except of a few) was fucking terrible. I don’t know why people listen to this shit, much less vote on it. Also, Tully has an inner eleven-year-old girl inside of him. Hey, some church members were actin’ a fool, if you can believe that. Who could play Ozzy in a movie about Ozzy / Black Sabbath? Mel Gibson? Glenn Danzig? Bert McCracken? Kelly Osbourne? Who knows.
An Australian fisherman was fishing, as you’d expect, he dropped his beer in the river, fished it out and drank it. Yeah, he got sick as fuck with a large mass of shit protruding from his stomach. He had surgery to have it removed, which left him with an even larger bulging stomach, so another surgery was done. Guess what? That bulging stomach shit came back, he had surgery again and it just keeps coming back. Ah, that’s a piss’a mate. Remember how Dingo was pissed off at that hack Beacher from Beacher’s Madhouse? Turns out he snubbed the Dings when Miley invited him into the club, the Dinger wasn’t allowed in, mate. That’s cause for war in La La Land. Black people are jealous of white people because tattoo colors show up better are us crackers. White people are jealous of black people because they’re better at damn near every sport and they just tend to look way cooler no matter what they’re wearing. Did you know Shoebox pulled a Church of Haden when he saved a man’s life, choking on a chicken bone, by giving him the Heimlich maneuver? Nobody knew, because hero’s don’t go around flaunting their heroics. Sounds like Death! Death! Die! playing at a club after the AVN’s might not happen because of shady motherfuckers who are all shady and shit, but nothing is 100% yet. And that, my friends, is today’s show and today’s wienercap. A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse accidentally runs into a few things, shits on the floor, and then leaves. OH!
You’d think today was like any other Thursday, but nah mate you are, and things were a bit off today. The romper stomper intro just wasn’t doing it for ol’ Ellismate. No Rawdog today, still got the jew aids, which Ellis thinks he may be getting too which sucks Will’s toe. Just weird was all, but not a sign of loosing it by any means. But what if Ellis or Tully lost it, and not just their radio goldness, but their overall shit? Tully plans to have a trusted few to which he can ask just that, and if they all agree he’s off his rocker, then it must be true. Of course we all remember Ellis retirement plan…..Heroin n XBox. But again like I said, they haven’t lost a thing – straight into yesterday’s truck pulling Tully proposition. Seems Will is a fucking hater from way back concerned Tully may hit a stick along his path to certain death. But as Ellis reminded Will, it was JizzCult that let the show Tug-O-War a MMA fighter which is extreme! Tully reminded Jizz that Ellis knows the safe word so shit’s cool. None the less Ellis found the ‘Chinese Loophole’, not to be confused with the ‘Russian Corkscrew’, which was just to film it and put it on Ellismania and Bob’s Your Uncle! So is Will Pendarvis III a giant pussy or does his alleged wrestling of alligators at the tender age of 8 mean anything to you? How about Rape Dragon, does that ring a bell? If no, well thank Barry cause it’s just some shit from the show you don’t need to worry about for now, moving on….Tully gave us a sneak peek at a new Death!Death!Die! track that Bert McCracken laid some vocals down for which were similar to let’s say Axl Rose forgetting to use an over mitt, it was fucking awesome!
If you haven’t heard the producer Dom yet, man you really don’t catch much of the show huh. Well turns out ol’ herpes stoke face has been pitching like 50 bits a day to Ellis N Tully and using no discretion at all, kinda like us #EllisFam and twitter, OH! While doing his best to entertain us with penis enhancement, and all because of David Beckham’s junk, Ellis figured out why Dom sucks so fucking much, its his voice. If he had a Bane mask, then he could be hilarious and overcome the material. Tully, being all Oxford and what not, devised a sweet Bane starter kit, with the kung fu grip, and Lil’ Bane was born. But Dom doesn’t have the deepest of voices, and apparently when he tries to make his voice deeper, he also quiets it. Also turns out Dom is very RawDog-esc, having troubles rolling his R’s as just one example. But with the Lil’ Bane starter kit, and his new found
New York Caribbean voice, our new producer is tolerable to say the least. After all that laughter, nothing but MMA news for dat ass! Dana White tweeted something about the Ultimate Fighter Challenge which is Saturday, April 13th at 9:00pm on FX I’m pretty sure but you’ll see it. Also don’t forget UFC Fox 8 coming to well Fox I guess pretty soon too. Ronda Rousey says Fallon Fox ain’t cutting it, OH! Ok I’ll stop with the OH’s for now, but come on that was super cheesy and yes I punched myself in the dick. From there it was nothing but talk about how Frankie Edgar’s name is hard to remember and that he use to not cut weight, and how cutting weight’s for pussies. How one day Rawdog will just have a daily Dork Fuck Fest for a good 5 years as Tully see’s it. And don’t forget the immortal words of Mayhem Miller, “Posture Mate, Posture Mate”, which luckily were no help to Tony Gianopoulos Jr.
Did you hear about the guy who walked into Home Depot, cut his arms off, and holy shit dude cut his fucking arms off? The good news is he’s got them pretty much sold to Danzig who will be touring with 4 arms, and well that’s it just 4 arms, kinda cool. Eden Alexander is pretty fucking cool too, been in over 75 porn films, kicks dudes in the balls, and tomorrow’s her birthday! She came by the show today cause she’s fucking hot so why not, and to play a game. Before that, check this shit out, Stage 5 Squirter is who were dealing with here folks. She’s a Power Squirter and can control that shit. She’s able to build it up, which is increased by fucking a lot, and can shoot it about 14 feet in distance, Pink Dragons to you my friend. So would Dom trade the verbal abuse he constantly deals with in exchange for spankings from Eden? “Not Really” was the answer I “Swearsed” I heard. All good though, cause we gonna play us some Medium Sized Dick Karaoke, cause its funny and since the big cock was missing. But what you don’t know is the medium sized cock can also shoot a load whenever you’d like. And what you also don’t know if Dom, or someone, didn’t check to see it fit the belt they have, of course it doesn’t. No worries, while
Dom Lil’ Bane holds his medium sized cock, Anal Gay has to hold Lil’ Bane’s mask all dutch rudder like n all. Paradise City was the song and Eden was on the cock mic cock-mic, Lil’ Bane was on the….shit you get the idea. Eden did a pretty damn good job as Lil’ Bane creepily had his way with her face. Not to worry though, Eden got her revenge by spanking Lil’ Bane for a good 20 spanks. Pound for Pound a lot of fun but I guess you had to be there.
We heard some new old rejoins, one of which had never been played before, so suck it! Remember that whole MMA cutting weight shit I kinda skimmed over, well Ellis has a friend who says there is a limit to how much weight fighters can gain back after they’ve weighted in, but again that’s for pussies. Real man would weight in after dominating a hot dog eating contest. And stretching, fuck that, put Jack Daniels in my water bottle n come n get you some! Hollywood News and Jay-Z told Obama to come get him some, well not really but he did rap back to the Cuba trip talk n all, check it out. Flavor Flav is headed to court for chasing or being chased with a butcher knife or some shit if your interested. Gwyneth Paltrow has some book out about eating so healthy it becomes unhealthy but you gotta go look that one up yourself. Turns out Justin Bieber is in Hollywood News today go figure, but he is NOT the #1 followed person on Twitter, not after you take out his 50% of fake followers, and there are other famous people maybe guilty of the same thing? And if you ain’t heard it all, this is why – Black Sabbath, who’s releasing a new album, decided to get the word out on an episode of CSI, yup! Then Ellis got a little off subject, and Tully rather than guide him back opted to join in….Yao Ming could beat up Kareem Abdul-Jabar….Kevin Garnett has a little head and is friends with Jerry Stackhouse….Juwan Howard….Luc Longley bangs mad hoe’s…..The entire ’96 Bulls team sucks balls and tea bags Phil Jackson. Glad that’s over, now back to the #EvilEnvelope talks from yesterday, which is just an envelope of punishments for when you fuck up. Ellis n Tully read a few of the ideas from today, which were wearing ‘Juicy’ pants for a show, calling someone’s mom and askign her out, picking a cup and drinking it from water, toilet water, your pee! There were tons more, that were just good laughs for us all, and I also think they took a few ideas they didn’t mention as well. All in all a pretty good job Ellis Fam, but still not as good as that one time we all took turns sitting in a car full of bee’s, getting out and having your grandma squirt all over us to soothe the burn and hydrate us back to health, OH!