Show Recap for Thursday 7/31/2014

Well hello there loyal listeners and readers and what have you, it’s me, Jenny you’re favorite box owner who writes recaps for this wonderful site here to tell you all the important things that happened on Thursday’s show!!! Aren’t you excited? I’m excited!! I had a shitty day and I would much rather sit here and think about the funny stuff that goes on rather than dwell on stupid bullshit life stuff. Can we vote to get rid of all the stupid bullshit life stuff that goes on? Because that would be awesome. So would winning the lottery. I mean…I know money doesn’t buy happiness or anything and I’m not looking for it to, but life would basically be perfect if I didn’t have to worry about money all of the time. I’m complaining. That looks cute on no one.

Now for something that people actually care about, The Jason Ellis Show!!! Woooooo!! Jason opened up the show today talking about how he had a nightmare. A nightmare unlike any other mare of the night that he has previously had in the way that he was actually screaming in the land of waking reality and had to be shaken awake by his bedmate Katie because what the fuck was that all about? Ellis explains how he didn’t actually get to talk about it with Katie until the morning because the pull of sleep on him was so strong that he fell right back into dreamland, but they talked about it in the shower, because what the fuck. Ellis has never screamed because of his dreams before. He gives Tully (and therefore the rest of us the breakdown of his dream) and says that in his dreamnightmareland he was walking around in the woods at night and he felt the presence of something. That something was following him and he knew in his dream that he was feeling apprehensive but he kept walking. But the thing kept speeding up and so he kept speeding up until finally he was running, but the thing was faster and was so inhumanly fast that it zipped right by him. Ellis described it as a Black Alien Beastie thing. Eventually the thing got the jump on Ellis and Ellis prepared to fight it and threw a punch, but it was so fast that Ellis missed and then it was on his back and eating him and that’s when shit went to hell and Ellis started to scream and thrash about and was woken by the Underwear Wolf. Weird man. They talk for a while about what it could mean, or if it really means anything because Tully doesn’t seem to put all that much stock in the whole dream interpretation thing, saying that at night he thinks your brain just spins the proverbial Wheel of Doom and whatever it lands on is what plays behind your eyeballs. He talked about some weird, confusing dream he had where he was super tired and late for something but kept going back to sleep anyway but then trying to wake himself up in his dream he woke himself up in real life and wasn’t able to get back to sleep because the anxiety of being late to something in his dream followed him into the waking world and isn’t that just a bitch? I have suffered from night terrors since the time I was very young, I’ve been told it’s part of the whole abuse thing, but I honestly remember nightmares I had when I was three (which was 3 years before the abuse thing started) so I just think that some people’s brains are more wired to have some fucked up things happen once we lose consciousness and drop the reigns of our brains. There was a psychotherapist listening (Holy Shit!! A board certified smart person called the show, take that Jetta!) and he called the show and they talked about Near Sleep which is when a lot of vivid dreams can occur where you are more likely to thrash around and have physical reactions and screaming while dreaming because that whole gamma-aminobutyric acid shit that normally paralyzes us for sleep isn’t fully kicked in yet. Then a caller who has Narcolepsy called and told the guys about his weird dreams because he lives in a world of being constantly about to fall asleep.

The dream thing gets rolled into a bit of discussion about the upcoming Contract or non-Contract and apparently the future of The Jason Ellis Show and Ellistronics channel is a little more up in the air than he previously thought and things that may they had agreed to are now not so agreed upon and Ellis makes the declaration that if he doesn’t get his own channel and if he doesn’t get the other things in his contract that he wants than he isn’t going to be with SiriusXM anymore and that is just that. This whole contract talks makes me more nervous than it probably should, but I really enjoy having the security of there being a show that I follow and I fucking hate change and there is nothing that I can do that can change the situation with the show and that makes me edgy as fuck. But I’m kind of sure that everything will work out and Ellis will get his channel and everything will be okay because SiriusXM would be straight up stupid if they just wrote him and all of his success off…and I don’t think that they are really all that stupid. It sounds like we’ll know for sure by the end of next week, which is when Ellis’s current contract is up and it’s either the show moves forward and on to bigger and better things…or it goes off into the ether until it comes down in podcast land (probably).

Tully brings up a story that’s been making the internet rounds over the past couple of days involving a man and a woman and a leash. Sounds like something that would be right up Ellis and Katie’s naughty alley…but nah…the man and woman in the news story take it just a bit further than Ellis would be willing to. And why is that? Well, because the woman was walking her boyfriend around town on his hands and knees naked with an anal plug all…you know…up in his anus. In town. In front of people. The pictures that are associated with the news stories are from passersby. And the lady doesn’t get why everyone is so pissed off. It’s rather ridiculous. But Ellis and Tully roll with it and chitchat back and forth for a bit on why it offends them and what kinds of things would make it less offensive or if there is a place for it anywhere in the world outside of the home. Tully is offended by the whole shebang, he wouldn’t even be into seeing it if the guy were fully dressed because that’s just something you do inside your house and don’t let your neighbors in on. Ellis thinks that if he came across a woman walking a man around on a dog leash he would laugh, unless his kids were around, because it’s not cool for kids to see butt plugs. That’s right, kids should not see butt plugs. But Ellis also brings up the point that if they were fully clothed, he doesn’t think that his kids would think that it was anything more than two people who might be kinda crazy and were acting funny and they see tons of weird shit on the street on Sunset in LA all the time. Like that guy on a skateboard in short shorts with no shirt on and a huge boner. Ellis and Katie have seen that guy in all of his bonerific glory twice now. Tully says that if he were by himself or around other adults he would probably get a laugh but if anyone threw it out there that they should be arrested or that they should be stopped, he would agree with them, because there should probably be a law against that. There is a law against that. If the couple does get arrested…they could technically have to register as sex offenders depending on the level of complaint, and that’s something that follows you around for the rest of your life. And, oh god, if someone comes forward with their kid that saw this all go down…they are insta-pedos. Now, keep in mind that this couple was in their fifties…they should really have a little bit more sense. I’m all for doing what ever floats your boat (within the normal limits of no beastiality or pedophelia or killing people) but, you also gotta know that there’s a time and a place.

Back from the first break, Tully poses a question to the listeners- if the devil were to pop up and offer to make you a deal in exchange for your eternal soul, what would you trade your soul for? Ellis can’t really think of anything that he would trade his soul for at this point in life cause, you know, he’s basically achieved the things that have been on his list thus far and he has kids to think about before he goes and makes deals with the devil, and Tully can’t really come up with anything that he would trade his soul for either. But, the listeners, oh boy do the listeners come up with a wide range of things that they would sell their souls for- from being able to master the piano, to being able to master anything and everything, to being the ruler of the world, and being able to see the entire development of mankind from the dawn of time, and…it was pretty entertaining. Hubbs and I talked about if there was anything that we would trade our souls for if we come across the devil. And…nah. The thinking behind this is that I, being an atheist first and foremost don’t believe in either God or Satan and that kills it for me, but if Satan were to appear to me, Hubbs said then that would prove that God is real and therefore we would not do anything to spoil spending eternity in Heaven. I mean, when you get down to it…a few years on this mortal coil is nothing compared to an eternity and I would way rather spend an eternity in Heaven (even with all the gospel music and ass kissing that must go on up there) than spend an eternity in Hell. I’ve read lots of books…Hell sounds awesome in exactly zero of them. Especially after reading The Divine Comedie…there’s a whole logic to the setup of Hell, and if I’m being honest, the most tempting thing for me to trade my soul for would be for $100 Billion with the guarantee that I live to be like 90…but even that I wouldn’t reallllllly go for cause…do you know what my eternity in Hell would be? My eternity in Hell would be spent upside down ingesting Human sewage. Eternity. Ingesting sewage. Because of my greed. I don’t even like talking about poop. Could I spend an eternity inhaling it? Nope. So not worth it.

Back in the studio Joel and Benji Madden are here to hang out and talk with Ellis and Tully!!! They talk a lot about…everything. How Benji and Ellis are besties, how Joel finally let it be known that he was cool with Ellis and Ellis training with Benji for Benji’s fight and them punching each other a lot and yadda yadda yadda. Honestly, this whole part of the show was really hard for me to follow because they’re motherfucking twins and sound exactly the same to me and I was never a fan of Good Charlotte and don’t know their personality quirks enough to be like, “Oh that’s totally Joel” or “Of course Benji would say that” so my asshole recap of this is…they talked a lot about everything. One, or both of The Madden Bros tell Ellis how he was a huge influence for them and their new album and how this album is really something that they love and are proud of and worked hard for and it’s a different sound probably from what the fans are used to, but they’ve grown and all that noise. They talk a lot about Australia because Joel and Benji and Good Charlotte and basically like God in Australia and they are into rugby and I think it was Joel who hung out down there with Russell Crowe because he owns a rugby team and he said that Russell Crowe was really cool, which is funny because on Wednesday’s show Tully and Ellis were taking it out really hard on Russell Crowe and I laughed about that for a bit. They play a new song off their new Album called California Rain and I really liked it, but when I looked at Twitter everyone on twitter hated it. Whatever. I like terrible music, so I’m not really surprised about that. I mean…I fucking love Kesha too. Hate on it all you want. It wasn’t a bad song, I am musically inclined, I play guitar and can sing and shit and I can tell good music from bad music. I know it’s not along the lines of the kind of music a lot of Ellisfam listen to, but it was a good song. I’ll probably download that song, and maybe the rest of the album when it comes out. Hate on, haters. Maybe Ellis was kissing ass because it’s his bestie and his bestie’s twinnie, that’s what friends do, motherfucker.

After the song plays, Benji has made his exit, but Joel decides to stick around for a while and get to know Ellis a little bit more in his world and answer phone calls and talk to fans and talk about his life and his wife and his kids. He, as you may or may not know, is married to Nicole Richie, daughter to the famous Lionel Richie who is apparently the coolest father in law in the world. Nicole is someone that Ellis always feels awkward around and Joel says that she’s an intimidating person and Tully and Ellis joke that Joel is probably intimidated by her also. Joel talks a bit about how he and Benji left home once they were 18 to go to LA and get into the biz and how they left in the middle of the night and survived by making friends and couch surfing and being determined that if they stuck the path then they would succeed. A caller called and asked Joel if Nicole was into Anal and he got hung up on and congratulated for making it past HotDog, and then there was a super really enthusatstically big Good Charlotte fan who called and thanked Joel for basically changing his life and he was so happy and into it that I could not stop laughing but Joel said that it made his day.

And then the show ended because Ellis had to be out of there to go to that Globe thing with the surfer movie world premiere that HotDog was uninvited to.

Things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show Today:

Joel got a 73 on the punch pad

Benji re-punched the pad and did worse than his first time, so his 72 has an asterisk now

Tully literally dreams about being Nick Swardson’s protoge

Ellis wants people to leave sharks alone

Ellisfam souls are on sale for cheap for Satan

Benji is really close with Joel’s kids

Ellis punched Benji so hard in the head he went deaf for a day

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden keep their work lives seperate

Sparrow Madden loves Jacques Cousteau and he is 5

Joel Madden is scared of the ocean

Nicole Richie loves Katie (duh, who doesn’t?)

 

Show Recap for Thursday 1/9/2014

Fucking SiriusXM app. Try again. Fucking shit. Check password. God Damn It To Fucking Hell You Shitball Fucking App! Check twitter. Fuck. Are you serious? Fuck!! Damnshitfuck!! Check app. Check twitter. Check app. Repeat ad nauseum for one hour.

Yeah, that’s how the show began for me, so, if you are one of the many listeners who experienced the same thing and were coming here to find out what you missed…I’d apologize if I weren’t still pissed off. And why am I still pissed off? Because the app imploded toward the end of the show as well and left me high and fucking dry. Of course. Oh, except for the last six minutes. It came back to life for the last six minutes. Because, why not?

Our good friend Jude is in the studio by the time my app decided to start working and for a while I was genuinely soothed by the dulcet tones of his voice because I’m a girl and he’s a guy with a sexy voice and Hubbs wasn’t around to talk to me with his similarly fucking amazing brown sugar butter voice. I came in right smack in the middle of a conversation that I’m not sure I really wanted to know all that much about where Cumtard was talking about drinking a blood blister and Ellis’s headphones kept cutting out. Tully doesn’t think that it would be too bad to suck the juice out of a blood blister if he was getting a blowjob at the same time, but Ellis thinks that it would be better if he drank bloody blister juice before or after receiving a blowjob as to not taint the deed itself. Jude agrees with Ellis more than Tully, though he probably wouldn’t do blood blister sucking at all because he is super not into bodily fluids, and would rather just get the blowjob or have sex. Which turns ironic when Cumtard brings up a story from Jude’s new book Hyena. And yeah…that is the link to go buy it off of Amazon, because you should. Anyway…let me do this up right:

*Cue the epic movie background music*
Much like today, when Jude was a young boy of about 18 or 19 he enjoyed getting laid. At this particular time in his life the object of his affections was a youthful lady moved to the city who banged a lot of black dudes because those are kind of a novelty when you move to the city from SmallTown America. After some vociferous lovemaking on her part, she became pregnant with an unwanted love child and Jude valiantly agreed to be the one to take the young lass to the abortion clinic. Jude, being well versed in life on the mean streets of a big city was familiar with the abortion process, despite his rather young age, and knew that this sweet, young piece of ass would be out of commission for a few weeks following the procedure and the morning of, decided that he would try to get one last sac romp in. As the maiden was not quite in the mood to make the beast with two backs Jude employed all of the tricks in his book in order to get her to consent to being pounded, finally settling on eating her out, as she had been doing black guys and they don’t eat pussy. Apparently. Anyway *cue the rise in dramatic music* Jude sets to work and notices that something is not tasting not quite right. In fact, it tastes like pennies and fish, but he powers through it because he really wants to get laid. Like really. And sometimes you just have to power through that shit. But the taste continues, in fact, it gets worse, so he decides to get on to the pounding (albeit somewhat distracted by remnants of the taste in his beard). Jude takes the girl to the clinic and five minutes after walking in, she comes back out- not because she has decided to keep the baby….but because *throw some drums in there movie music guy…and maybe some horns and cymbals* she had a miscarriage. Bumbumbum BA-DUM!!!!!! If you can’t make the leap…Jude ate miscarried baby goop out of some bitch’s cookie back in the day. Yeah. He did. No wonder he isn’t a fan of bodily fluids. How did the relationship go after that and the utterly silent half hour car ride home? Let’s just say that there’s really no coming back from eating miscarriage product straight from the source…but he still got to drive her car. *Fade to black*

You’re welcome.

Next up on The Jason Ellis Show, Ellis wants to talk about how if he can’t have his own Jason Ellis channel he will overtake Faction to the point where it’s The Jason Ellis Show Channel anyway. What does this mean? He wants the fans of the show and listeners of Faction to really be heard about the music that gets played on Faction and to get the shit music off of the station and sent into the abyss of being played on some other SiriusXM channel. How can this happen? Well, one thing that can be done is for listeners to go here and sign up to be on the Faction Board of Directors where you fill out surveys about the music that gets played on the channel. This, rather simple topic spirals into a lengthy debate/discussion between Ellis, Will, and Tully about Ellis talking about it on the radio and possibly influencing or ‘tainting’ the results of the survey. The gist? Will says that Ellis has a lot of influence and that if he says to listeners “go and vote to get Beck taken off of Faction rotations” that we mindless automatons will go and vote and get Beck taken off of Faction. Which, really isn’t a bad thing, but I guess Will is more afraid of an “insert name of marginally popular band in place of Beck” proclamation of abhorrent suckiness that will get an okay or even more than okay band or song kicked out of the rotation because we are mindless and Ellis says so. What Will wants, what Ellis and Tully want, is for the listeners of Faction to be as happy about the music played on Faction as possible. Obviously there is no making everyone happy about everything all of the time, but, as close as possible is what they’re all aiming for. Calls on the subject are taken. People love 311, people hate 311, everyone hates Beck, someone makes a restaurant analogy that doesn’t quite make sense to me, and a mindless automaton calls (which probably shook Wilson to the bone). Talking about the music played on air, while on the air, qualifies as the worst torture imaginable for Will so Tully and Ellis play some songs that are currently played on the station and pass their judgement in as non-influential way possible.

Back from the break Ellis and Tully are joined in the studio by Jim Florentine and…nope…just him for now cause the other guy is dropping a deuce. Jim Florentine has a really hot wife who Ellis still can’t believe is married to him because she can do so much better as she is smart, beautiful, and really put together and Jim Florentine is…Jim Florentine. Don Jamieson (the guy who just took a shit) joins the party and they talk about how sometimes it’s better if you’re with a woman who’s taste doesn’t run too similar to yours because then you aren’t surprised when shit that you like she hates and vice versa. Tully points out that if you both like metal, then you probably don’t both like the same kind of metal, and if you’re girl says she doesn’t like the new Sabbath even though she likes metal well, then, she just has to die. And that’s messy. And no one wants that. It would be much easier if she liked country and you knew she didn’t like it because she doesn’t effing understand it anyway. Ellis asks Jamieson about himself because he already knows Florentine and apparently Don Jamieson is a guy from Jersey who makes dick jokes that owns 6 guitars and can’t play them. But really, they are on the show because they are comedians with a show on VH1 called That Metal Show and they are funny ass fucks who love metal. They talk a lot about getting laid, how the pickup line “Hey, do you want to sit on my face?” still works (with an apparent 1/10 girl odds in a college bar, in case you were wondering), and farts. I really wasn’t surprised about the pickup line story because the guy I’ve been with for the past 3 or 4 years or whatever got me with the fabulous pick-up “I want to hump your face” because I’m the bitch who says back, “that’s because I have a very humpable face” with the story ending in a hotel room at dawn after no sleep and lots of face humping and other activities. True Story.

Back to Ellis (because no, I’m not trying to create fun and interesting filler to fill the void created in this recap and my life by the SiriusXM app. Not. Notnotnot.) Jim Florentine has never seen the hole of his own ass, or the hole of his wife’s ass. He is more disappointed about one than the other. Apparently his wife is not in to butt play. Which is all fine and good, to each his own, yaddayadda, but I still think it’s weird that he hasn’t at least seen it. I mean…it’s right there! It isn’t really a surprise that she hasn’t seen the hole of his ass considering how much gas comes out of it as Jim and Don are very vocal about their years of fart-based antics. Ellis thinks that their fart stories are gross…but they are also really amazing. I mean…these guys almost downed a plane with their ass-gas, they cleared out a Slipknot after party in a bar at Madison Square Garden that is remembered by Corey Taylor TO THIS DAY, and made Axle Rose’s sister think that the venue they were in was under a terrorist attack. With ass gas. Benji Madden (who wandered into the studio at some point) is duly impressed with their fart stories. But Florentine brings up how he still holds out hope that his wife will eat his ass. Don Jamieson shoots him down saying that once she knows what comes out of there she will never do it, and tells Ellis and Tully that his girlfriend refused to toss his salad after they moved in together and he used the bathroom saying, “Never again.” And, maybe I’m gross (in my notebook approximately every other sentence while taking notes on this is ‘does this mean I’m gross’) because I’ve been with Hubbs for years, I’m well aware at what his butt is capable of, and…yeah, I still do it. So, in case you were wondering…I might be gross. Although…I am also very aware of his bathing habits sooooo…maybe I’m only a little gross? Whatever. It’s fun.

Still talking about farts and the powers of their asses, Ellis asks them what their Instagram handles are, because he wants to see this shit on Instagram. But…they don’t have Instagram!!!!!!! Benji, Tully, and Ellis then break down for them exactly why they should have the popular app, why in fact as entertainers it is kind of their job to have the app, and though Jim Florentine comes out firmly against Instagram in the beginning of the conversation, Benji seems to have him convinced by the end. So…look forward to that folks!!!!!

Up after the break- Bert McCracken and Christian Hand and a new single from Death!Death!Die!

Except then SiriusXM sucks dick and my app shit the fuck out again. Yeah..I know. Fuck me. I tried and tried and tried and finally got back in for the last 6 minutes of the show and listened to some final calls which I didn’t really hear through the hatred screaming in my mind for SiriusXM and their app. I turned to Twitter for help and was told that Bert talked about life in Australia and was awesome (because Duh) and Cumtard is super against the idea of a chick playing around his bum-hole. I heard the tail (ha) end of this and he’ll take a dildo up the butt for the cool amount of $10,000 cash. That’s a pretty high price. In case you don’t know, and are reading this for some reason Mr. Kraft, the anus has a million more nerve endings than the head of your dick so having a dildo up there probs feels pretty fantastical for you. I mean, as a girl, I think it feels like stars bursting into magic. Start small- a pinkie, a tongue, anything…go read my blog, convince yourself. It’s phenomenal. Don’t knock it til you try it. I did hear Adam do his closing, but he didn’t really help my situation…gee thanks guy…and that’s where this all sort of ends. Sorry if you are disappointed. Feel free to hate at me @jennimazky on twitter. Maybe I’ll post pics of my boobs in penance. I dunno. I’m pretty disappointed in myself. Even if it isn’t completely my fault. But that sounds like a bullshit lame excuse.

Things we learned on the Jason Ellis Show today:

Jude ate a black kid

My Blood plays on Liquid Metal

Will is chippy these days

Rude Jude wants to play music picks on the show

It doesn’t get awkward anymore…no one cares

Dropkick Murphy’s are too good for Ellis to be able to convince his fandom that they are bad

Tully likes Vampire Weekend

Wax sounds like the FreeCreditReport.com band

David Blaine is better than Criss Angel, but he’s still a kook

If Tully and Ellis can agree on one thing….it’s Praise the Lord

Funny people can get laid

Jim Florentine would take a blowjob from a sheet with a mouth hole, but would prefer an ugly girl, cause she would try harder

Ellis got 4 blowjobs last night and came 3 1/2 times

Fart jokes will always be funny

Benji Madden is awesome

If you’re going to be in the game, then you have to play the fucking game

Go to PatriotGuard.org

 

***again…I’m sorry about this…I know this wasn’t the recap that you were looking for…and I don’t have the right droids either. Gripe to me on twitter. Don’t hold it against me too long. Love you guys!!!

Show Re-cap for Friday 4/5/2013

Happy BallsMy balls are awesome, they’re beautiful, they’re happy, and my balls are always bouncing
to the left and to the right, it’s my belief that my big balls should be held every night. Will loves the show like a child he hates who shits all over everything. Which pretty much means that given the chance, Will would drive all of us into a lake with the doors and windows locked because he loves us so very much. Rawdogs hair is getting better, Jason and Tully decided that it needs to be messy on purpose but not messy because he’s a fucking slob. If he does that then it will be garunteed that he’ll get laid. That or just do seven minutes on Ridiculousness, bitches love Ridiculousness. Speaking of Rawdog on TV, he wants to be on it but not do TV stuff. This brought up the discussion of TJES having its own television show. It wouldn’t just be  aTV version of the radio show like Howard does because that shits been done to death. It would be more of a skit/radio show/whatever the fuck they want show. Most of this time was being used to think of bits to do. And don’t forget to go to Cuteness.com and vote for Ellis and Burger in their cutest celebrity pet contest. (Click the link, trust me)

In Pot News, for the first time ever the majority of Americans think pot should be legal. Also in related news, umm, wait, what was I talking about. I feel like having some nachos. Tully brought back the Men Am I Right segment and a farmer misspelled his girlfriends name,shark stupid man when he cut a marriage proposal into his crops. A man reported an explosion in his home, he wanted to have a nice relaxing hot have so naturally he heated up his can of shaving cream on the stove. A man shot his girlfriend, kinda. She was preheating his oven and she didn’t know that’s where he stored the clip and bullets to his .45. I still blame the woman for that one, she should know that a dude isn’t going to use the stove for cooking, stupid girl. Then some super gross dude made a bar book where all the recipes includes semen. In the UK a man was driving erratically and then he was pulled over, not for drinking or anything like that, but for rockin the drum and bass. The dude was rocking out so hard that he was in the zone! And the winner of today’s segment is a man who was arrested for the 50th time, but this time he was arrested for stealing booze and giving away shots to people in the park.

Benji+MaddenBestie McBestington, aka Benji Madden came into the Swinghouse today. Apparently his recording session was delayed so he graced us with his presence. They talked about how much they respect and appreciate women, baking, motivation in the workplace, and the satisfaction of a job well done. Benji also talked about being the old guy in music production and how its hard to realize that all this stupid new stuff is kinda the same stupid new stuff that we liked when we were young. Then they talked about being on reality TV but he would only be on for music related stuff like The Voice. Benjis brother Joel is nominated for a loogie in Australia for his work on Australias The Voice TV show. And that’s all I have to say about that.

On to the Blowgies! A super gay competition with some super not gay contenders. The object of this competion is for two guys to give the most seductive, most loving, and most sexy blowjob to the big dicked rollerblader that they can while being judged by Foxxy (@Foxxy702), Eva Lovia (@MissEvaLovia), and Alice March (@alicemarchxxx). Long time listener, Fuck You Dude was the first contender and after slobbing knob like a seasoned veteran he got an impressive score of 20 out of 30. Perry was up next, it was expected that he wouldn’t be able to compete with FYD’s incredible fellatio skills but with some dick to face slapping and remembering to work the balls he came out with an amazing score of 25 out of 30! In the end Perry left with the title of best straight guy blow job on a mannequin dick.

“If she’s not winning watches then she’s not doing it right!” – A porn star

Wesley Snipes is back in society to continue his battle against vampires and space ship hijacking replicants. Something about Halle Berry. The Game ate at some restaurant and tweeted that he tipped the waiter six grand but lied. Busta Rhymes got into a fight over a cheeseburger. Titty. Joel Madden has great new hair cut. It’s rumored that Will and Jayda Pinkett Smith have an open marriage, but she said no and then said Will can do whatever he wants, like a boss. Snoop Lions record is coming out, in case you need something to waste your money on and burning it has become boring. Unsigned bands will be back next week. If you want you band to be shit on just send an MP3 to Ellisparodies@gmail.comIMG_9237

Final Calls were with only Ellis, everybody bailed to go find some hookers and coke for the weekend. Here are some of the things we learned during Final Calls today. When you walk in on your boss jackin his dick, leave and pretend nothing happened. Ellis is going to Nuculear Cowboys on Saturday, but if you see him and his kids don’t say fuck, shit, pussy, ass, cock, damn, piss, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, or hell yeah in front of Ellis’s kids. If your a pill head that can’t poop try snorting Metamucil, that shit will get your shit flowing fo-sho! A grown ass man should be able to piss all over his room if he wants. Ellismania on hold for now while Ellis gets things reorganized and calmed down. He wants to make sure everything is done right and the only way to do that is to do it himself. And the last thing we learned today is that the best way to get over a girl is to get under a new one. Unless the new girl is yer mum, never ever ever get under yer mum, it’s like the Bermuda Triangle of flesh and tits and hair, OH!

Show Re-cap for Thursday 3/28/2013

et another Thursday for you and I my friend – I bet your wondering what Ellis said first.  Well, your a fucking pussy.  Yup, were all pussies, including Ellismate himself who said his vag needs to harden the fuck up too.  Apparently The Wing was having a shit day moment, Pansy Fest to be exact.  You see with all the business n shit that came with but after the radio show, its kinda forced Ellis to say shit he usually wouldn’t.  Not all the time, but once in a while is more than he’d enjoy as well all know.  What if it was just radio, and none of the other bullshit like trying to get a TV show for instance.  Like Ellis says, too many fingers in too many pies and the bigger he gets, the less he feels he can say without pissing someone off = Sellout.  I personally don’t agree with that totally, but there is an angle there, and no one wants fish+chips with pizza!  Of course Tully loves beer and ice cream in bed with Ms Tully, its a tradition in the Oxford household.  But #FuckTully right, so back to Ellismate who says he holds back about 1% of the shit he wants to say.  Damn that 1% sounds like some good fucking radio gold but I get it.  He also used to eat his food n think of shit for the show, but now he just thinks of how to handle all the people involved in this Ellis empire!  There is good news for The Cowboy though, he can train at Bas Rutten’s gym since its only down the road……except that when he n Katie made the trip the night before, it turned out to be about 20 miles down the 101, which in LA at 7:30am means forced anal rape-age so that fucking sucks too.  Well what else can go wrong – then JizzCult enters the studio and you know were all doomed.  Nah, Will’s cool and he brings some new drops – and something for you #EllisFam.  If you live near the studio, or your in town, and wanna be in studio playing games on the show?  Fuck yeah you do shithead – email jellis@siriusxm.com with the DATE(s) and/or TIME(s) plus your CONTACT INFO and get it up ya!  83140196 So Tom Green saw a drone today and tweeted that shit, which was finally an upside for Ellis since he could sit back and listen to Rawdog n Tully battle it out on why drones are dangerous to our privacy says Josh.  Well, short n sweet, and a criminal investigator and some other conspiracy theory dude who’s got the criminal investigator now looking into him later = Tully Wins (Tully 1 – Rawdog 0).

 

 

No Shit!

No Shit!

Gay marriage laws are up for review by The Supreme Court says Rawdog, specifically the Prop 8 one and the Defense of Marriage at which was passed by Bill Fuck Yeah Clinton.  You know what’s not gay, being able to watch Big Fucking Mega Boat The Woodsman on EllisMania.com, ON YOUR SMART PHONE!!!!  So remember how Rawdog called out the lack of script for Big Fucking Mega Boat, which Tully said fuck you – Well Tully brought in the “script” for it, and Rawdog immediately started with an apology to Tully, BUT, he also sticks to his guns on not being the producer, only the editor.  Also the go cart track didn’t help much, well it did get everyone there, but then everyone was distracted for some odd reason.  But the script was what was in question, and how about the scene of the Big Fucking Mega Boat with tentacles n testicles, wheres that huh?  No scenes with the BFMB killing any celebrities either or the scene of Jagerbeard shoving a dildo into the rear of BFMB, with Belladonna’s ass as the self destruct button and Muska Kills tagged on the side of the ship. Again though, Rawdog isn’t the producer and the producer is who checks all that shit and makes it happen.  So who was the producer right?  Donald Schultz of course.  Ellis does remember them arguing over who wasn’t the producer, so maybe.  It also didn’t help they couldn’t get cameo’s from such legends like Benji Madden (Another 5 lines that turn into 20 minutes of sweet nothings like in The Woodsman) and Tony Hawk (Another creepy dude with a hat n a moustache like in The Woodsman).  Bottom line is Big Fucking Mega Boat ain’t no Woodsman, but being able to watch it on your iPhone fucking kicks ass.  In closing, Rawdog would like to say if there is another movie involving them all, such as maybe Steve Dead Load or Gory Hole, that he would love to be the producer and would “handle shit” = Rawdog Wins (Rawdog 1 – Tully 1).

 

 

Rawdog's doppelganger per Doug Benson

Rawdog’s doppelganger per Doug Benson

Cock News with none other than Doug Benson, good timing Doug, where a San Francisco school figured out about men who go to the ER for penis injuries mostly do from getting it caught in the zipper.  Well Ellis wasn’t satisfied with this version of Cock News, and Doug hasn’t heard the stories yet, so we got to hear about that one time he blue balled a staff hole into his dick, and the other time he ripped his Ronnie Rollback fucking that one chic, Red Dragons!  Tully got his junk caught in the zipper on his PJs when he was like 4 too, didn’t know that huh!  Both were better Cock News for sure but that’s not why we’re here.    DougLovesMovies.com and his new movie The Greatest Movie Ever Rolled isn’t why we’re here either, but its why Doug is here so check it out!  Were here to play a game with Doug of course, but first lets see what he’s got on the punching machine.  While checking out the board, he knew he had to beat Cumtard’s 40, but wsa threatened by Rob Corddry’s 58, oh and called out Sam Rubin but that turned out to backfire on him as his top score out of 3 punches was a respectable 49, but not enough to beat Rubin.  Hopefully Doug has enough in him to beat The Jason Ellis Show at their own game, kinda based off Doug’s game he plays on his podcast, but with a twist.  Will read off names which were either an Action Stars character name or a Porn Star.  I’m not giving you a detailed play by play, but I will say both Doug nailed the first one by naming the movie too, and Ellis got the first 5 right.  Rawdog n Tully kinda fell behind in the beginning and Doug just kept a solid pace.  Then the Wing fell apart dropping his last 5 and letting the other 3 all pull into a tie for the final question.  Well, the name was Tony Cage and Rawdog knew it a little too well perhaps, and of course was the only one to get it right = Rawdog Wins (Rawdog 2 – Tully 1)!!!

 

 

Oddly enough Sly checked in for both categories!

Oddly enough Sly checked in for both categories!

 

Hollywood News was kinda limited today kids, but Barbara Walters old ass is calling it quits.  They also talked about Justin Bieber spitting on that dude but kinda didn’t give a shit since its so close to Friday n all.  Rawdog did some Teen Advice as well with seniors dating 8th graders and Am I A Lesbian, which just ask yourself 3 simple questions.  Am I Fat?  Do I Wear a Ball Cap?  How Big Are My Calf Muscles?  Again I didn’t pay much attention but this time case I was too busy laughing my ass off at Rawdog give a good 5 minutes of drops, that would fill up at least a page on Ellis’s board, acting like the chics asking this bullshit.  I’m sure we will hear those in the future while listening to The Future.  See what I did there?  Your grandma didn’t see what I did there though, well not after last night’s escapades involving a dart board with a Gory Hole drilled through the bulls eyes swinging from a chain hooked to the ceiling, while she was tied up to the folding chair I keep in my basement with some good ol’ duckie mate, as I did 5 spins around the baseball bat between 5 lines of coke and 2 cialis, and ran full speed targeting your mom’s face hole timed with the swinging board trying to make her tear from gagging the back of her throat.  Well I missed her throat, still got the tears, and came up with a whole new meaning for BullsEYE, OH!

 

 

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/4/2013

the_ace_of_spades

This hills are alive with the sound of…

It’s another Monday, and some of you wouldn’t mind having sex with robots, and some chicks will fuck fat dudes, but not if you show them the fat first. Dingo and Ellis’ friendship has been taken to another level after this weekend, and apparently Dings has a killer pad. Intern Anal Gay-Lewis took Ellis’ advice and got rid of the crooked / aspiring pedophile mustache he was rocking, but he still looks weird because he has a weird head. The guys are thinking of Voltron’ing together to create a single mega-comedian, Laughtron. They could also split apart to be separate comedians, but together they’d be unstoppable with jokes about aspiring pedophiles and people in the audience with pictures of their kids. Ellis saved a gay dude from getting raped by another gay dude that was blue-balling the other gay dude’s drugged up butt. Even though he wanted to kill Mr. Gay Molestor Dude (HOMOcide, get it?), he thwarted off the dude and called the cops, all that happened the same night he went to see The Used, via Bert McCracken – whose wife listens to the show and turned Bert on to it. There was some talk about school. School in Australia, US, France, etc. I’m with Ellis on this one, I hated school and I hate even having to walk through them to this day. Somehow the conversation went from schools to the nearly non-existent middle class in America and Mexican’s taking jobs. All that collection of randomness in the first hour of the show, damn!

bath_salts_so_tite

Fuck yeah, bath salts, so tite!

Good news, scientists have cured a baby with HIV by giving it a cocktail of shots within 30 hours of it’s birth – suck on that Africa. Supercross in St. Louis this weekend, Ryan Villopoto won the 450 class, and that’s MMA news, no wait… That’s Rawdog’s MMA news, in real MMA news, Mark Hunt knocked out Stefan Struve, and Wanderlei Silva knocked out Brian Stann in a super exciting Don Frye-esque fight. And in other MMA news, Katie got paid today and announced a purchase of shaving cream and a bunch of toys, not toys for children, but for adult holes – if you catch my drift. Why would the words “Blink 182 is gnarly” come out of Ellis’ mouth? Because of the drummer, you know, that dude that plays the drums. The next Death! Death! Die! album is working up to be a massive double disc set, as much music as can fit on a cd – plus a DVD of Big Fucking Mega Boat. Probably not out in time to be paired with the double disc release, is the Death! Death! Die! lunch box. A woman tried out to be the first female NFL kicker ever, she didn’t make the cut after missing her 15-20 yard kick – an old injury seemed to be holding her back. New TJES producer was introduced today, Domonick “Dom” DeLuise (@TheHippieDom) – whose been in radio for about 7 years and has luscious locks like Dingo, just not as long. He’s part Mexican, part Indian, part Italian, he eats meat and “froyo” (aka frozen yogurt), which might be a good nickname for him on the show. He speaks well, like he might be smart, so this could hopefully turn out to be a very good match.

horseman_bangs_merwoman

You may not like Hollywood news, but you can appreciate some fine art.

Bad news, JCPenny seems to be losing the battle with Macy’s so your catalogs of department store jerk-off material may be dwindling even more. Who was the dumbest person/s on TJES so far? Stupid Tits? Aaron Lewis? Porn stars? Probably porn stars. This led us into the segment, You Sir Are A Moron, band edition. There was a lot of back and forth here, too much to keep up with so I’m just going to pretend we all know exactly what each person voted and who was more of a moron, sir. Hollywood news times, at 2:05 AM, Justin Bieber tweeted, “Worst birthday ever” – because part of his entourage was too young to be let into the club. HAHAFUCKINGHA! But wait, Bieber said that was bullshit, he didn’t try to bring underage people into the club, he said he walked in – it was lame – so he left. OMG! You guys… I sooooo… don’t give a shit. TMZ says Benji Madden has a dream pad. Jay Leno’s days may be numbered and Shia LaBeouf was boxing at a gym or some shit. Brendan Fraser has some seriously major expenses, saying he’s losing $87k per month, while Drake unloaded a cardboard box containing $50k at a strip club. And some Aussie billionaire plans on building a replica of the Titanic, yes, the unsinkable ship that um, sank. Fuck. That. Shit.

british_porn

British porn.

Revisiting moto news, Will was called in for his opinion as he watched his first motocross this weekend. Predictably, he didn’t have anything to say, which spurred Ellis and Tully to rag on him for a bit until angry Will finally revealed himself and told them to fuck off. One is left to assume Will is missing his tickle partner and is having a hard time adjusting. That brought us to final calls, some lazy chick called in to say she doesn’t like working, which stunned all of us other working class dickheads. A dude called in about this chick that wanted to “eat him out” and it was awkward because she told him to get on all fours, he was scared and didn’t take the bung tongue surprise. That and he thought about her licking another guys asshole and now he’s been making out with her, therefore by proxy, eating another dude’s asshole. Another dude called in to say he signed his kid up for wrasslin’ and wondered if maybe something would be better, because he wants to wear his ass out so he doesn’t bother daddy anymore. Some dude wondered if Ellis ever smoked out of a human skull before, because his dad did Vietnam and swore it got him higher or some bullshit. Clearly that dude’s dad has never smoked out of your mom’s asshole. Because that shit is like smoking a joint rolled by Jesus and licked shut by your little sister’s pussy lips. OH!