Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 9/16/14

TWELVE!!! What the fuck are you talking about Alex? TWELVE MOTHER FUCKING DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE THIS POLLUTED PSEUDO-MECCA CALLED THE BAY AREA!!! Why is that so important, Alex? CAUSE TWELVE RHYMES WITH HELL!!! LIKE I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL COCK SMOKER!!! DON’T TRY TO FIND ME EITHER OR I’LL TEAR YOUR SPINE OUT AND SODOMIZE YOUR CHILDREN WITH IT!!! I could not be happier today folks, I’m a short ways away from kicking some serious highway ass “Road Warrior” style in my sweet ass flame-clad Dodge Ram and getting up north to kill my unfertilized future offspring in the land of poutine and venison slurpees! It’s also a nice mellow day at work and almost lunch time, which means I can devote my time to you, the reader, so that you may ingest my seed before it is permanently cryogenically disabled due to my personal distance from the equator. In case I didn’t mention it, it’s also just about time for the Jason Ellis show, which is probably the only reason either of us is here, cause I doubt we would have any interaction by way of this website if it weren’t for the best few hours of afternoon debauchery known to man. Today got underway with the question “do you really know you’re you?” cause sometimes you just need new wallpaper. Jason has been looking through old pictures of himself and hasn’t found one that doesn’t make him look fat since before he got his head tattoo. Somehow, this seems like a good time to question religion and the Madden Brothers. Tully got into a conversation about tweeting the entire bible word for word and making the first tweet “In the beginning, god created the heavens and earth #LOL” and if future content would reflect the opener, I’d follow that account forever. Benji called Tully godless, which didn’t seem like it bothered him so much. Tully got into a nice critical history of how religion and street magic are a lot more closely related than most people would probably like to admit, cause god promises eternal peace and David Blaine just stands on his tippy-toes at an angle that looks like he’s floating. Jude was in studio to remind everybody that you can actually talk into a telephone. The guys talked about the many nuances of being a call screener and how aliens coming to earth wouldn’t prove Christians wrong cause what the fuck have facts ever changed for those guys? A guy called in to discuss this point, as well as letting the guys know that he has in fact discovered a dinosaur bone, so he knows what he’s talking about. If you still insist your god is real, John Cho has a show on TV called “Selfie” and he wanders in the background leering molestingly at the Wendy’s girl (hopefully that new one that’s kinda cute, and not the pre-teen on the burger wrapper). Jason’s divorce is pretty much finalized, but in a shining display of the HIGH FUCKING CALIBER of the California legal system, the court has been stalling on making it official for the better chunk of this year. Tully floated the idea of a for-hire mediator for people who have disputes that don’t quite warrant getting the law involved, and it would be a growth industry cause some people are victims of when keepin’ it real goes wrong. The real gripe Jason has with this whole situation is that it’s very likely the ex’s new man is gonna be his kids’ stepdad and Jason is pretty much never gonna meet him. Jude got a call from his daughter who just went to college and got drunk for the first time, which made Jude happy cause it’s great to know that his kid is comfortable enough to tell him that and not the mom, and he got to pass along his own party wisdom to keep the bad element from besmirching her innocence. In a twist of racist fate, Jason tried to guess that Jude’s daughter’s favorite drink is Alize, cause it’s just like white girls and ranch dressing apparently, but he was wrong. Truth of the matter is rum and coke is how the young Angelini gets down at her Florida college. The guys talked for a bit about their favorite drinks when they had the palettes of children, Like Tully who used to drink “stingers” which is just brandy and Creme de menthe (WHY 1940’S WHY?!?!?!) or Jude who used to drink lemon drops, which is the lemonade version of a screwdriver. Myself, when I could find a guy to shoulder tap, it was Hot Damn 100 proof and Dr. Pepper, or Black Cherry Effen vodka and Monster, both fantastic choices depending how much of an adult you would like to pretend you are at any given point in the evening. There was more talk about stepchildren and not the euphemism for getting your balls massaged while you’re getting blown, but actual children that aren’t yours but you’re busting into the mom’s clit prison. Jude was cleaning his house this weekend and found a bottle of GHB and being the kind of guy not to waste a dollar, he skulled it so he could clean out the bottle for storage in the future. And of course, with expired GHB or any drugs for that matter, doing a bunch of it all at once and then recording a video diary for your podcast is a great piece of immortal internet content. Jason let Jude know that if he wants to do the Foreally show on Faction, he’s welcome to, and Jude would love that but wants to do a slightly different spin of that and include Christian “The Box of Shoes” Hand. The guys talked more about how when you’ve got kids and don’t stay with their other parent, you get the wonderful benefit of turning your new partner into a prison snitch so that you don’t have to put them in the position of getting on your children’s bad side and fucking up your life with it. It’s also good not to turn your kids against your ex’s new mate, cause that shit can land you in a shirtless back alley knife fight on the back of your Harley-Davidson wondering how the fuck you went from being the star lacrosse player in high school to shaking down hookers for enough money to get something off the dollar menu at Wendy’s. Jude stepped out to do his normal 1 to whatever time All-Out show ends and Jason took a break to rage out some parent issues.

 

AUSSIES!!! Ya fuckin’ cunts mate, this family in Melbourne was having problems when their ten year old pet goldfish was being an asshole to the other fish in the tank and VETERINARIANS WERE ABLE TO MELLOW HIM THE FUCK OUT BY REMOVING A GIGANTIC BRAIN TUMOR!!! Which ended up being the cheapest major surgery I’ve ever heard of, on a human or animal, at a mere $200 Australian! While searching for the word “gazebo” Jason reminded everybody that WILSON has been known to murder black (and other) people in a gazebo from time to time. Aside from the Madden Brothers having a new album out today, Slash with Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators also have a new album out today, and in an homage to the hard work those well recognized artists, IT’S TIME FOR UNSIGNED BANDS!!! But first, shitty music keeps finding it’s way on to the Faction with Jason Ellis airwaves and it stung in Jason’s ass like that first time he got that stress hemorrhoid after EllisMania 5. Specifically, some band (?) called K-Flay and given the name it sounds like something that belongs on fucking Clear Channel where mindless consumerism can stifle out well composed music. The guys played a clip of it and it’s exactly the kind of top 40 shit that made me buy a satellite radio to start with. Somebody called in to try and back K-Flay even though I could give less than a fraction of a shite about ever hearing it again. Right, so unsigned bands, first was a rap from some guy called $Dollaphin$ and it did nothing to redeem the failure that is K-Flay cause I honestly could not distinguish the beat and given that Cumtard’s email correspondence with him gave no further pertinent information, it would be worth forgetting. Next was a group called Nawf, featuring our old target shooting friend Cassette Coast, also part of the rap genre but much more listenable and talented rather than white guys with rich friends trying their hands at things they’ll never understand. After that was a PHONE CALL FROM CASSETTE COAST! He gave an interview with the guys for a few minutes and accepted some kudos and praise from the crew for all the work he’s sent in so far. If you wanna check out more of his stuff, it’s all over the iFunnelcrappymusicdownyourthroatwhetheryouwantitornot (we’ll cover this in a few minutes) and Amazon and Google Play store. Next in line was Cormack which started off strong with some organs and then got a little dubstep/rap-rock and Clear Channel so not particularly noteworthy in my opinion. After that was Tri-Lac (?) Commission with their track Money Hungry Bitches which had potential then immediately lost it when the guys started trying to sing/rap. Next up was A Haunt of Crows which had a slight Stone Temple Pilots vibe but atrociously bad recording so hard to put in rotation anywhere. After that was Lucky Number Tuesday which was kinda throwback and sounded like Kings of Leon, but not as good, and that’s saying something cause I don’t even like Kings of Leon and think they should be assassinated. Next was Rebel Society featuring Butterballs of EM6 fame and if you like thrashy old school hardcore punk then this would be right up your alley. Next was Red Shift and I can’t think of who they sound like but in my own house they wouldn’t get played to completion with any regularity so it’s not slowing down my day. After that we heard the guys talk for a bit about how Apple forced anyone with an iTunes account to take ownership of the new U2 album, without consent or any legitimate interest, and to make matters worse it was a file that could not be removed for absolutely no legitimate reason, badly enough that Apple had to develop a web tool to remove it from everybody’s iCloud so that the sand would finally leave their collective iCunts. Little known fact, according to iLikeGirlsDaily, to apologize, Apple is gonna forcibly give you the new albums from Soulja Boy and Justin Beiber in a week or two. Now, I don’t know that that’s actually true, but I have absolutely no trouble believing it especially when it comes from the twitter account that feeds me tasteful nudity all day. Now, since I don’t need to suck anybody’s dick to have friends, I of course do not own an Apple product of any sort, but if I did, I would promptly go to Steve Jobs’ grave and ejaculate on it, simply for the principle, then shit on my load and watch it slide down his tombstone, like a shit toboggan. Back to unsigned bands, there was a glitch in my on demand so I didn’t catch the name of the John Tesh tribute band, but I did hear half of a couple words and it sounded like some fucking waste of perfectly harvestable organs tried to start a John Tesh tribute band. Next up was The Octagon playing a bit of radio friendly metal that would make the perfect walkout music for a pro wrestler, or maybe a UFC fighter. After that we heard from Anthem For A Massacre and aside from the somewhat cookie monster vocals, definitely a talented and respectable metal offering from the world of underground music. Second to last was from The Involuntary and it sounded similar to what might have been included in Apple’s new shove feces down your esophagus collection, then went all screamo and had notes of Creed and later Unwritten Law. And finally, we got a taste of Blab Pipe who were catchy and danceable with a vocal filter like The Dandy Warhols and would be acceptable background music for a third rate college sex romp movie. Oh, and Malice got kicked off Instagram again, so no more dark soft core 80’s porn and mini-pincer pics for any of us. At least not from her.

 

HORSE FORCE IS COMING TO NEW YORK and Jason plans on fucking a canolli as some portion of that experience, whether the audience is invited to watch is still unclear. Tully found a news story all the way from Bangkok about a woman who committed SUICIDE BY FUCKING CROCODILE at a Thai zoo, which is proof that bitches is crazy no matter where you go. The guys kicked around the idea of what types of suicide should be allowed, like if your old and in massive pain and your ungrateful shithead great grandchildren keep demanding more in their birthday cards every year that you can’t make good on cause you’re on a fixed income and the American medical system is bleeding you dry SO FUCK IT!!! LEMME JUST PUSH THE FUN BUTTON UNTIL THE FUN TURNS TO CARDIAC ARREST AND THEN YOU THIEVING NURSES CAN COME IN AND PUSH IT A FEW MORE TIMES BEFORE YOU STEAL MY CHECKBOOK TO MAKE COUNTERFEIT PURCHASES WITH!!! Jason said if he was gonna do it, he’d either drown himself in his ex wife’s boyfriend’s blood or maybe just steal a Lamborghini and toss it into the ocean off Highway 1. WILSON said the easiest way to go would be a nice sweet heroin overdose on the first time and Tully didn’t weigh in on it cause he’s probably got some truly devious shit swirling in his head that would turn Wesley Snipes as white as a bag of powdered sugar. Tully did however have a story of his great grandmother as was passed down to him that at some point she left the house, walked down the hill straight into the lake and didn’t attempt to swim. The guys talked a while longer about death and some of their well known friends’ death scares and public cries for help and what people are thinking when they want to switch it all off and at the end of it, we found out that officialjasonellis.com is having technical difficulties with the cameras so there’s just one angle and it’s straight up Jason’s nose. WILSON being the semi-professional stalker that he is, suggested a few ways that Jason could keep tabs on his ex’s boyfriend with security cameras and over the counter spy equipment, as well as using the kids as moles in whatever sinister scheme he might be involved in, or pretending he’s on acid and wandering in and fucking up his evening by whooping his ass and telling his ex to call the cops. And while they had him in the studio, they turned to the phones to have Jizz Cult give some caller advice for folks who don’t know quite what to do about blood stains in the trunk liner of their Subaru and all that plastic sheeting that basically became single use after a heated discussion with their significant other. First guy called in cause his wife left him and his son a bunch of years ago and before she left she planted the seeds of discontent in the child even though the dad and the new wife were the ones who raised him to be the guy he is today, and WILSON recommended that he respond to evil with evil, like not blatantly shit talking his mom, but slipping the allegations of prostitution and drug problems in as an aside to normal conversations. OR, plant drugs on her and get her publicly arrested while he’s around so there’s just no denying it. Next dude is in the process of a divorce and obviously that’s driven him into the type of financial ruin that prevents him from owning a SUPERIOR ANDROID MOBILE DEVICE and living somewhere with decent reception. Then we heard from a guy in the midst of a break up from a lady who seemed to be that perfect kind of crazy, but in the end turned out to be just regular undeniable crazy. Will suggested that he pop the question to her because the two of them are just too stereotypically perfect for each other and their children will be the saviours of all gender based prejudices. Jason of course was more level headed and told him to just let her go to voicemail and never respond. Or get married and crank out seven idiot babies, whichever is easier. Next was a fellow who has a pattern of dating women with children who don’t get any child support and refuse to go after it, to which WILSON responded that it’s probably because these hoes is cray-cray and don’t have any concept of personal responsibility, or they know their exes are such wastes of human life that it would be an exercise in futility to try and get the court to garnish their $6.25 per hour Walmart greeter paycheck. Jason mentioned off hand that the reason his ex’s new man probably doesn’t want to meet him is that it might change his opinion of her and they’ll break up, to which the Pendarvis Proclaimer responded that if the two never meet, there will never be any conflict between the two of them, ever, until one gets pissed that they haven’t met the other and decides to break in to the other one’s house and reupholster a Barca Lounger with their entrails so that they can get really well acquainted. Next was a guy who’s been divorced a good few years and started dating a new lady but he never introduced the kids to the new lady, but the mom tried to say that dad left for the new chick. After all that has been cleared up, the kids started getting to know some of the new lady’s family and the mom is being an uptight bitch about dad telling the kids that this lady’s family are gonna be around and you can think of them as family, just that they’re not any blood relation, to which WP the mother fuckin’ 3 advised him to just say “SHUT THAT CUNT’S MOUTH OR I’LL COME OVER THERE AND FUCK START HER HEAD!!!” After that was a call from a dude who got pretty close with a lady he had known for a good bunch of years and after she got pregnant and they were all ready to start a family, she left, lost the baby (which would have been twins), then came back and took his truck and his house, and now he wants to know how to move on from something so fucked up and harsh and the long and short answer is that you could move all your stuff into the crawlspace over her bedroom and masturbate into the same spot on the ceiling until it eats through the sheetrock and lands on her face while she’s sleeping, or just get right with yourself and get away from the situation cause there’s just no fixing it after everything that’s happened. Next was a dude who wanted to know how one goes about getting divorced for the second time and then letting the first wife try to start dating you again, which is basically voluntarily committing to a massive level of suffering, the likes of which would make Auschweitz look like a Cabbage Patch Kids nursery and would endure for a thousand centuries, through the throngs of a million wars worth of violence and despair only to culminate in the implosion of the planet’s core into another dimension where the cycle would repeat ad infinitum, until the history of the universe came full circle and you were reborn to live the same existence again. Last one to get through, we heard from a guy who had a kid with his lady and did his best to be a good dad, but every time he goes to visit and has the kid out of the house more than 4 hours she starts blowing his phone up like the Manhattan Projects final result, and he wanted to know how to calm that bitch down so he can spend some time with his child so that they don’t turn out like so many other shitty children. Unfortunately, the way the world works, the only way to do it is to go to court and work out an agreement in the eyes of the law. OR..OR OR OR… Kill her and bury her in a shallow grave five miles outside of town then go on about your day like nothing happened. BONUS ROUND some guy’s ex is getting divorced and wants to get back with him and he’s wondering what the hell to do, which (short answer) is beat the brakes off that pussy and move out of state, or (long answer) murder, shallow grave, tacos, mechanical bull, learn paper mache and start a new life selling crafts in a little border town in Belgium. SMOKE BREAK but not for WILSON cause he’s being good and sticking to his word.

 

MMA NEWS if  you should be interested to hear it, Nick Diaz is under investigation by the UFC for his drunk driving arrest last week and TMZ is reporting that he tried to make himself vomit so he could get under the legal limit and is now adding the charge of attempting to destroy evidence to his case. CALIFORNIA POLICE, AM I RIGHT? Alexander Gustavson is all over the place in MMA these days and will probably be getting a title fight. Sluggo Boyce might have allegedly had botox and while this has very little to do with MMA, it’s fair to note that it may have been in his knees rather than his face. There’s some more fights coming up and stuff, it should all be entertaining for the fans. Rory McDonald was having his fight music picked by someone other than himself and somehow his phone number got leaked or he bought a new phone or something and he got all the crap and Nickelback a person could never want all due to a hilarious wrong number misunderstanding. Some Russian lady on a motorcycle is personally taking on her own crusade against litterers by pretty much Mad Maxing her way across the former Soviet Union. She’s also taking on assholes who illegally park in handicapped spaces. Tully found a video of a rattlesnake fighting a road runner and son of a bitch the animal kingdom is a mysterious place cause the road runner snatched this fucker’s head in his beak and then beat it unconscious and consumed it whole. The guys took final calls on things and stuff, and stuff and things, people are appreciating the changes in the music lineup now that Jason is sort of in charge of things. People called about littering and snakes fighting squirrels and DUDE DID YOU GUYS KNOW THEY HAVE BLACK SQUIRRELS IN CANADA?!?!?!?! Shit is crazy, guys. Well folks, it’s the point in this recap where there’s not much more substance to be written and I need to clean the dried pre-cum off of my abdomen and start getting ready for work.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 9/2/14

Leezus Christ, I have one three day weekend, and the next thing you know everybody comes in on Tuesday thinking I should drop everything to solve their socio-economic problems by way of auto repair. And that god damn phone won’t stop ringing no matter how many old-timey poxes I place upon it. It’s a fuckin’ madhouse in here folks! Luckily for me, only a few more weeks before I get to go pedal to the medal across the border while dropping a deuce out the window and burning my draft card. In the meantime though, ELLIS SHOW! I’m sure they’re gonna be having a day much like mine cause that’s what happens when federal holidays fall on a Monday. The show kicked off with Jason reminding himself that short weeks are fucking sweet cause you don’t have to put up with everybody else’s bullshit quite as much before the weekend is back again! Also, he’s stopped having sweaty palms, which is always a plus. Tully is beginning to think he’s passed his own sweatiness down to the McGook baby but that still remains to be seen. Jason still holds the record as sweatiest bastard at his gym though, so Tully’s gonna have to step his game up. The guys talked for a bit about people with fast metabolisms and how it makes them have small boobs, but that’s not a bad thing because (speaking as a human male between the ages of birth and death) titties are just fantastic. There’s gotta be something really wrong with them for anybody to really have a problem with them. Tully had to chase a toddler with pants full of shit over the weekend and almost broke his foot on the coffee table or something, I kinda missed it. Ellis keeps getting cakes to enjoy with the family cause when you’re divorced with children, presents really do buy the love of your offspring. The only problem is, Tiger can’t keep his mouth shut and got greedy by trying to see if Mom would one-up Dad but that just started an argument. Jude stopped by for a little bit to rub the guys faces in it that he didn’t have to hang out with his kid and instead got to hang out with a fuck load of lesbians, which would certainly have some high points for pretty much anybody to be involved in. The guys talked for a while about how bitches be too god damn jealous, especially when you’re the only penis in a party full of taco bumpers, because you’re basically the greatest anatomical competition that could exist. But Jude has seen dude’s get just as clingy when they land that hail Mary date with somebody way out of their league and go way too hard trying to let everybody know who they’re trying to lay claim to. Joan Rivers is in the hospital right now, cause she’s old and sometimes old people get old and have health problems. The boys talked about Joan Rivers for a while cause despite how much you might not care to see her on some red carpet event show, she has led a pretty interesting and crazy life. Jason decided if Ryan Reynolds ever played him in a Lifetime movie about Jason and Andrea’s relationship, he would get really bummed out from beyond the grave. Tully informed Jude that Juggalos are a gang in the eyes of the FBI, and it really goes to show you that the law has it’s finger in it’s own asshole, and very far from the pulse of the American public, because I’ve seen football fans do more damage than the Juggalos ever have, not to mention that the NFL is a non profit organization that still has all kinds of officially licensed merchandise for some reason or another (it’s like rich people are trying to dodge taxes or something riiculous like that!). It does have to feel a certain kind of special to maintain a job where you dress as an evil clown and write ridiculous rap music and the United States Government is keeping their eyes on you. It’s like living in that one punk squat that the cops refuse to raid because the head of the house makes sure everybody is enrolled in school or something. Jude went to a gathering of the Juggalos back in 1999 or 2000 and said it was some of the weirdest shit to hang out in, being at the upstairs room of a pool hall after an ICP concert and there’s white girls named “Crystal” in clown makeup and Violent J and Shaggy just kind of hung around looking out over the crowd like a king observing his servants. Somehow, this brought up the topic of jousting cause that would be some hilarious shit to have as an EllisMania type event where a bunch of dudes who’ve never ridden a horse get to attempt to seriously maim whichever drunk fuck was too inebriated not to sign the release form and got roped into it by his terrible friends. WILSON came in to let Jason know that there’s classes a person can take to become officially licensed to joust and that seemed to perk his spirits right up. The guys talked childhood architecture, namely kiddie pools and fort building and how from time to time people come up with really incredible shit for kids to occupy themselves with for almost no money at all. Back to jousting talk for a moment, just cause it’s so likely that a person could get impaled doing it, Tully found a news story (that I sent him) about a woman who was texting while driving and ended up going off the side of the road and was impaled through the legs and booty by a piece of the guardrail. Just goes to show you that texting and driving can only be properly failed if you’re a woman and can’t grasp the concept of speech-to-text input. And of course, who the fuck else would willingly talk to news crews fresh out of the hospital after getting impaled through the culo? While we’re on the topic of impalement, Jaosn is gonna be taking a jousting class with a bunch of other people participating, or not, he may just camp out there so he can cram a 3 day course into one, and it should probably be a weekend, but you’re invited if you can make it, but it’s not likely gonna all be on Jason’s credit card, but the pricing is competitive. If you remember from last week, the guys made some art and one of them may include Tully’s actual pubes, so if you go on eBay you can totally have Tully’s pubes framed and hanging on your wall! In case you didn’t notice (cause nobody really keeps track) Piolin is no longer on Sirius/XM and that’s great for Jason because now ther’s a whole spare studio that’s not clogging up their internet bandwidth and can be used for some of the more messy endeavors that may occur on the show, like dousing an intern in vomit or performing living cremations. Some people called in to give Jason the rundown on jousting and someone on twitter said it’s the perfect entrance for Horse Force’s first concert, which I heartily agree with. Our old friend tranny Sean called in to check in and let the guys know that he’s doing OK and that he’s gonna be getting a penis put on sometime hopefully real soon. BREAK TIME YA FUCKING WANKERS!!!

 

BUY THE WOLF PICTURES ON EBAY CAUSE ALL THE MONEY GOES TO CYSTIC FIBROSIS!!! Well, not every picture of a wolf, but the ones from the Ellis show. Remember when Russia sent a space capsule full of geckos into orbit to see their response to endless anti-gravity fucking? Well, like most things the Russians thought were a great idea, the geckos are all dead. As is that one Discovery Channel show “Sons of Guns” cause it’s about as educational as Naked and Afraid, whoops, that’s also a Discovery show, well whatever cause at least no one on that show is being accused of raping a child like the guy on Sons of Guns. Police had to come shake down a coffe shop called Java Juggs cause it might also be a den of hedonistic behavior, which I think is the essence of the capitalism, so all you republicans better take note, you keep saying free market? You better keep expecting coffee bean brothels. The guys talked UFC for a while cause I guess it happened over the weekend, and Kenda Perez called in to corroborate or disprove anything the guys may be talking about, to the best of her ability, from a slightly more insider position than Jason or Tully has. I didn’t listen all too closely but they did spend a lot of time talking about a lady whose name is Betch and that just reminded me of all the hilarious gay stereotype conversations I’ve had with people about how gay guys somehow just can’t make an “i” sound in the word bitch so it always comes out “betch” which is just delightful. Then they talked about The Expendables 3 for a while and I haven’t seen it because I would be so lost from not having seen the first two either, but I respect the concept. Jason sent Tully some music that he had found that was made by former pro skateboarder Jerome Rodgers, and if you don’t remember from a few years ago, this is the guy that retired from skateboarding to be a rapper but for all intents and purposes, he really shouldn’t have cause it’s just about impossible to get behind this music. According to Jason, with the kind of athletic ability this guy had, it made no sense that he could possibly be so incredibly bad at rapping the way he is, so much so that it’s getting difficult for him to believe that he’s not mentally handicapped. After they played a few clips from some of his songs, I’m finding it hard to argue. Tully even said that most of the people who send stuff in for unsigned bands could mop the floor with him. The guys took a break because listening to hip hop of that caliber would make me need to take a breather too.

 

TODAY IN CRYSTAL METH!!! Police in Florida were called to the scene of three people who were screaming that they had been taken hostage, but it turns out that the three were just methed all the fucking way out and all had a group hallucination! But it gets better, they emptied over a hundred rounds of handgun and shotgun ammo into the walls, threw furniture at their captor, even the toilet, really anything small enough to throw, one of the guys removed a back window (frame and all) from the building to try and make an escape route, really just methiness all around. Update to the Jerome Rodgers thing, apparently he did a few months in jail and had to roll with the white supremacist crowd to keep from having his chili ring blown apart by white supremacists, so there’s that. Perfect timing for that, cause two incredibly white people, Rob Corddry and Clark Duke came by the studio to hang out for a while. Clark Has been known to go to a wrestling symposium which consists of 500 thirty year old guys sitting around drinking beer and watching pro wrestlers on the come up of their careers for three days straight. But that’s really secondary cause the guys are in studio today to play a game of Password with Jason and  Tully. Twas a great time with hilarious clues and references to things that only a washed up Australian skateboarder and a b-list comedy actor (b-list is a compliment folks, I love Corddry’s work, and Clark Duke is great as well) would understand. When all was said and done, the winner was the english language, with Jason and Tully coming in a close second, with the password “dildo” for the win. After the game, Ellis introduced Rob and Clark to the wheel of doom and the many wonderful punishments that it includes. However, instead of all that work of wheeling in the wheel and spinning it, Jason settled on giving the guys access to an RC car and letting them do burnouts on Kevin’s ass with it. Before all that though, Rob and Clark gave the guys a quick rundown on the progress and quality of content in Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and how there’s drugs and rape and everything that makes America great, all included for the low low price of one horribly overpriced theater ticket. They also talked about Matthew McConaughey for a while and how he looks better a little bit unfit and less shredded, thus reducing the competition between normal humans and movie stars for the rest of us. The guys found the trailer for HTTM2: Electric Boogaloo (which I’m just gonna start adding to every sequel ever) and it sounds like a good god damn time for all, except for that part of the advertisement that relies on visual stimulation, that could be hit or miss, but with all of the one-liners in the preview, I’m sure it won’t be a disappointment. So, in case our attention spans are too short, Kevin CUMTARD Kraft, RC car, hilarious comedic actors, tire tracks on the anus hole, TULLY! JASON!!! WHY THE FUCK IS KEVIN WEARING A C-STRING?!???!?!!!?!???! TWO STROKE FUMES IN ENCLOSED SPACES!!! Although I’m pretty sure the RC car in question was the electric one. After all that, the guys took a break to regroup and let Cumntard’s rectum come to terms with it’s lot in life.

 

So, upon coming back from the break, the guys decided to turn to the phones and twitter for suggestions on what music to play in the two hours before and after the show that Jason now has control of. Jason has confirmed that it’s not gonna be all Metallica all the time, but definitely more of it than Faction normally plays. One guys suggested more Machine Head, which I know myself and @emilyinSD are both incredibly thrilled about. Someone else suggested Fugazi which I’m happy about as well. Social Distortion was suggested, as well as The Necromantix, Steel Panther, The God Damn Gallows, someone murdering Jetta so that he doesn’t put through suggestions that nobody else has heard of, Mudvayne, Static X, Bone Thugs ‘N’ Harmony, Iron Maiden, Willie Nelson, Propaghandi, and a bunch of other random suggestions that I didn’t have time to listen to cause work was busy as all fuck and I had to crunch out this recap with moments to spare before the next live show. This whole thing went on pretty much till the end and despite whatever I missed, I’m sure they’ve put a lot of solid choices into the lineup and that Faction music will hopefully have some truly terrible shit removed forever. Oh, and your mom called and said to bring her home a carton of cigarettes, plan B, and an enema. She’s going out to find you a stepdaddy tonight.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/24/14

Sweet shit of Christ (which will be mentioned later on in the show today), I almost forgot it was my turn to do this today! But because of that, I got to hear an encore of Halo by Machine Head when I hit the rewind button on the online player to start at the beginning again, so fuck yeah for that. Since I’m too crunched for time to write a hilarious prologue, let’s get right into it, shall we? OK good, shut your gaping anus and pay attention. Today got started with Ellis talking about how shaving is a pain in the ass when you get old and all your hair has begun migrating from the places it used to be. Especially ass hair. But sculpting your chest hair is straight up doing too fucking much and you should mellow out if you’re doing it. Unless you’re in the UFC and it’s part of the corporate image, but everyone else should fucking stop. Shaving your balls can definitely make a difference at a job interview though, according to Tully. Jason is all about binge-watching Orange Is The New Black, and I still can’t bring myself to care about that show, but Tully has been all over every old Schwarzenegger movie that Netflix has to offer. Jason had some kind of drama with the ex due to some friend of her’s who’s been selling wolf tickets to a bullshit show and he had to defuse the situation but it’s still a headache when bitches be talking shit #AmIRight #NotAllWomen #ButAFuckinLotOfThem. The guys talked a while about how lying is not cool, especially cause lyin’ ass hoes be makin’ up stupid shit just for the sake of doin’ it cause they’re ain’t shit else they got going on that’s worth them devoting their time and energy to. And this kind of shit is why communication is key, ladies and gentlemen (especially you triflin’ bitches, you know who you are). Tully once sort of stalked an ex for one evening while wandering through New York back in the day, but she wouldn’t come down from her apartment long enough for him to slip her some Chloroform and take back what he rightfully discarded. Jason has been trying to arrange a family trip in an RV to go see the grand canyon, and the main concern is who’s gonna be the first carcass dragging behind the rear bumper after shitting in the RV. Jetta tried to explain that you can in fact empty the septic tank in a motorhome, but Ellis was not having any of it and will make his children walk fifty paces off the highway to shit in the desert. The guys discussed whether or not Arnold Schwarzenegger was was doing coke with a fifteen year old girl on the set of any of the Conan movies, and how much liquor Andre The Giant could put down if he wasn’t dead from being humongously obese and french and an alcoholic. Tully found a prank video of a guy showing off his phone to some ladies and then it spontaneously gets a phone call from Drake, that’s right, the Canadian ex-pat emo R&B singer, and he’s been using this trick to slay the bitches cause human beings these days are a floundering cesspool of genetic filth and I for one am happy that climate change and poor access to proper nutrition in America will kill several million of them. I’m talking about both sides of this equation, the pick-up artist and any lady stupid enough to go on a date with him just cause he allegedly knows a shitty musician. He will impregnate one of you with an idiot baby that you will need public assistance to raise, and thus the cycle will continue, since poverty is hereditary as is being a fucking moron. The guys talked a while about some of the tricks that people have tried using to get in their pants, like one lady who was lurking the shit out of Jason while he was hanging out with Benji, and then she slipped him her number written on the inside of a candy wrapper or some such shit. And to come back around to my point about horrible human beings, remember the story about the little girl who got kicked out of KFC cause someone complained about all her pit-bull face scars? Well, that was a complete load of shit. Now, KFC is gonna give them $30,000 as a donation for her medical expenses, whether the story is true or not, but all the same, in the land of  frivolous lawsuits, it becomes pointless to have real problems that you need help with, especially when you can open a Kickstarter account to raise money for yourself for having an annoying job. Tully keeps seeing TV commercials for all of the horrible things we put women through, like weight loss pills and hair-removal flashlights and class action lawsuits regarding failed vaginal mesh surgery, and I see all of this too and it reinforces my belief that mother fuckers need to start having some quality control with their fellow human beings. Jetta was supposed to spin the wheel of doom yesterday, but couldn’t because of some shit or another, so Jason wanted to have him do it today. If you remember from whenever the hell it happened, Jetta does have a get out of jail free card, but Ellis still felt the need to berate him for a mistake he made in getting the studio ready for the show at some point. I kinda missed all of this yesterday, but it seemed like the kind of thing that could have been less of a major issue. But whatever, let’s hear some Metallica.

.

So, in a display of how awesome the show has become in all these years, ICE T IS IN THE HOUSE BEEYITCH!!! In case you didn’t catch it, Body Count released a new album recently, which is probably why Ice is out doing stuff and talking to people and hanging out on the west coast when his day job is on Law And Order out on the east side. The guys talked music and stuff for a while and Ice T likes satellite for the fact that you don’t have to be radio rock to get played there, and Jason mentioned his own bands without mentioning that one song from the last album that originally came about as him making fun of the lyrics from Cop Killer. There was some talk about the use of the word FUCK and how it’s all situational, but if you need to say “Fuck The Police” it’s important not to censor yourself or let anyone else do it to you. Ice told us about his experience working on Law And Order, and it’s been pretty good to him cause he can play the one kind of cop he doesn’t hate and protect fictional innocent people from the hard shit going on in the streets. Ice gave a little back story on the ups and downs of Body Count throughout the years as well as a quick rundown of how they came about to make the newest record, and aside from losing their bass player to a drive-by and their drummer to leukemia, they’re still fucking shredding. And if you don’t believe me, check them out at the Mayhem Festival and also some metal festival that’s going on up in Canada that I didn’t catch the name of. Ice T told stories of all the big names in punk, hardcore and metal that he’s worked with, and how being a rock star can be really awesome cardio as long as you time your breaks well. Jason and Ice talked training and fighting and how it’s different when you’re an adult but it never hurts to know how to snap a crackhead in half, especially if you’re girlfriend’s around to see it, cause that’ll give her a massive lady boner. The guys talked about the new video for Talk Shit Get Shot cause TMZ had a problem with Body Count making a music video with a shitload of white people, but the real story was that the casting was thrown together in way too short a time and all they could get was honkies, plus Ice T is a pretty fair skinned black person, so it’s not a black on white crime thing. But it all boils down to Ice T hating those internet tough guy bloggers who talk all kinds of head about shit from a completely one sided perspective over some shit that’s just one small minority opinion on something that really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. And as a person who complains on the internet regularly, I can see his angle. Ice and the boys talked for a while about the ins and outs of dealing with fame journalists (paprazzi) and how no matter how worthless and disgusting they are as people, they mostly act that way cause they’re spiteful so if you treat them with a little dignity and courtesy, they’re a lot less likely to go out of their way to fuck up your day constantly. Tully was at the beach with Linsanity this weekend and saw the paparazzi stalking Gwen Stefani’s kids AGAIN, which made him think that maybe she’s calling them to let them know where she’s gonna be. The guys talked a while about how Ice doesn’t have to turn in his hood pass for playing a cop on TV cause all of his friends know who he is and the only people talking shit were people who didn’t know him before the fact. Old ladies think he’s a hero, and his charity is continuing to be Ice T and staying out of the ghetto. The guys played a cut off the new Body Count record and let Ice get back to whatever surely more important stuff he had to do in LA that day. But before they let him leave, he had to play his band’s cover of Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies and that shit was cut off by the Sirius/XM on demand player, but I’m sure I can find it on YouTube when I get the chance. I caught the first couple drum beats, it sounded pretty good. Definitely worth my time.

 

GO TO ONNIT.COM and enter a contest to get a free motorcycle! It’s for charity and Onnit does good things SO FUCK YOUR PROBLEMS JUST DO IT!!! Check your tits and balls for lumps too, cause cancer is a mother fucker! And if you have both tits and balls, well there’s probably a lucrative career in porn for you! Tully let a nice black lady fondle his balls to check for lumps and said it was a fantastic experience AND he didn’t have cancer!!! I’m sure the Dave Matthews band live performance in the background certainly made it a much more relaxing environment. Jason was listening to some lady he heard at the pride parade while he was in the shower and said it’s way more annoying when water is splashing on you than it is when everybody’s drunk and sun-stroked and FAAAAAAbulous. Tully found a video of a guy surfing a fucking massive wave and getting shitwhipped straight into the ocean cause that’s what happens when you’re not incredibly high level in the surfing world and take on a wave you probably shouldn’t. He came back to it again though, and got it handled on the second try, did even better than some fuckwit on a jet ski. There’s another video of a 10 year old skate prodigy going full tard at the Venice beach skate park and fucking himself up transitioning through the bowls or something like that. But hey, none of that is as dangerous as crystal meth, especially if you’re in Florida, and you get so high that you think someone is an alien and decide to start stalking them with an unregistered gun and talking crazy shit loud enough for someone to hear it and call the cops on you for being crazy and high on meth. He also said he was “a big deal” and had 100,000 Asian flowers, or something like that cause meth. Speaking of meth, it’s time for the Etsy game!!! Where Jason finds disturbing, kitschy gifts for his girlfriend and the rest of us think of more reasons to murder hipsters!!! Some of the fine goods the guys were able to find in the deep dark recesses of the Etsy this week were a flame patterned barbecue apron with a full on cock, balls and pubes (only $30!), a handmade life size replica of the hydraulic loader suit from the movie “Aliens” with working but not fully functional hydraulics (made entirely out of garbage and spare parts, a mere $1,600!!!), a 100% vegan cat fur suit (which seems fucking impossible to me, but  you can own it for a scant $715 and it seems that a big part of the price is the realism factor of it!!!), a hoarder doll house cause in this day and age why the fuck not? (IT CAN BE YOURS FOR ONE EASY BUT RIDICULOUS PAYMENT OF $400), a painting made of vomited ink on three different canvasses (and what better price to pay for hazardous waste than $250?!?!?!?), a doll’s head bar of soap (for the one time only price of $10), a magical mystery box which could include jeweled beetle wings, porcupine quills, blown out bird eggs, rodent bones, shark teeth, Jesus Christ’s fossilized testicles, just basically a lot of animal parts and crap she found in the woods (no declared value for any of the possible contents, but you could either get a great deal or be completely fleeced by buying this box for $30), extra large buffalo scrotum for making baby toys or candy dishes out of (all at an outrageous deal of $32.95), a heart shaped locket filled with breast milk for the fucked up mother in all of us (at a mere $28), a leather sex mask with droopy dog eyes (a bargain at twice the price of $239), a gray fox’s FACE!!! no skull or other components included (for the doorbuster price of $7.95), and finally, a fossilized prehistoric turd from an unknown animal, very possibly a dinosaur (AT THE BIBLICALLY LOW PRICE OF $10,000) and once more, let it be known that idiots with money are a wide open market for stupid things that other people don’t want.

 

AUSSIE NEWS YA FUCKIN’ CUNTS!!! Apparently, Australians just can’t stop pissing into their own mouths, so much so that they’ve taken to creatively calling it “bubbling” and it is taking the nation by storm. Just proof that when you live in an isolated country, you will run out of things to do and sometimes creativity will take a turn for the worse. People are even doing it in public at rock festivals and skate parks all across the land. As common as it is though, most of the people still think it’s fucking weird and gross (as they should), they just aren’t doing much about it. Tully saw a book called the “Worst Case Scenario Handbook” and it describes some plausible solutions to when shit goes really bad, like surviving a plain crash miles away from any kind of help, or how to do a J-turn and ram a car out of your way, shit like that. This brought up the question of who would Hot Dog eat if he was trapped in the studio for months and everybody else was dead? Nate said that Kevin would be the first, even though he has head cysts. Kevin would try to win him over with belly rubs and such before hand, but that would not protect him from being barbecued in an empty oil drum for the enjoyment of the Faction staff on casual Friday. The guys agreed, and after EM10, Cumtard will be ground into marshmallowy sausages and the fans are all invited for beer and tard-brats in the parking lot of the SiriusXM high rise in downtown LA. Tully floated a few more of these worst case scenarios to see what the guys might do in unusual circumstances, like what would you do to survive an elephant stampede? Jason would make it a point to get the fuck out of the way, as most people should, Tully would try to climb a tree which is actually one of the suggestions the book made cause the elephants would be trying to avoid them, and Hot Dog would also try to get the fuck out of the way but somehow when he suggests it he sounds like an idiot. Luckily though, if an elephant finds your corpse they will have the decency to bury you. Next, how do you stop a car with no brakes? First obvious answer is the “EMERGENCY BRAKE” as most every vehicle is equipped with, just try not to swing it too hard or you’ll roll it. Tully would try coasting it to a stop, but if your brakes are out it’s probably not the best plan cause you wouldn’t know you’re brakes were out unless you were trying to stop, so in that case he would just turf it and let the car go were it wants to. Hot Dog would try downshifting if it were possible on that particular vehicle, and if that doesn’t help then just turf it, a la Michael Tully. Next, what would you do if the elevator you’re riding in just started falling? Ellis would knock out Hot Dog and use his carcass for padding, Tully would try to time a jump like some shitty action movie and we would all laugh at his funeral, and Hot Dog would do a hand stand cause he does not value his own survival. Here’s one, how would you escape from a boa constrictor? Conventional wisdom is that you don’t and become tasty snake treats, or rip the fucker’s head off if at all possible. There were more of these, and probably final calls and stuff, but I fell asleep watching the shittiest movie ever and got too busy at work this morning to listen to the last 20 minutes of the show, but luckily it’s almost time for another one so whatever I missed today shall be made up for in spades!

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/11/14

HAPPY THREE ELEVEN DAY YUU GGGUUUUUIIISSSSSSSEEEE!!!!! I’M GONNA CELEBRATE BY MASTURBATING TO JAPANESE CARTOONS FROM THE EARLY NINETIES!!! HOW ARE YOU GONNA PROFESS YOUR LOVE FOR THIS TERRIBLE SUBLIME-RIP-OFF BAND?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!! Well, no matter what you’re doing, you can start by listening to a man who absolutely despises 311, and that’s JASON FUCKIN’ ELLIS!!! Today’s show started with Jason coming to grips with the fact that at a certain age, you just can’t bounce back from fighting off predators the way you can when you’re younger. Katie is starting to get way into training MMA, and is quickly becoming Jason’s greatest predator, which is not the worst thing ever, but does led to some aches and pains in the morning. What Jason has noticed most though, is that she’s keeping her pace a lot better when they’re training together than he is. Long and short of it, if it was a match between one of them and a vending machine that won’t give up the Fritos, my money’s on the girl. Tully has been noticing the same thing when it comes to drinking. Aside from the whole “having a kid and wife” thing, he just knows he can’t get ripped the fuck up like he used to. Same goes for everyone else who’s still letting the pharmaceutical industry keep feeding them bullshit by the barrel in a wrapping that declares it will make you a normal person. It all boils down to the fact that the older you get, the more work you have to do to earn your fun. If you wanna beat the brakes off your liver and kidneys and fight a hooker for being too aggressive with the blowjob and chase the cops into a ditch for a savage gangland style ketamine party, you should probably make sure your room’s clean and all the dishes are done first. Juder McDuder came by to hang out for a bit. He took an AIDS test the other day and came back clean as a whistle, which is always good to hear. He went to the gay clinic though, so there was some Q-tipping in the ass as a part of the complete workup. After Tully heard that, he got the idea that maybe Q-tips are the next step after baby wipes, cause not everyone can fist themselves with a handful of wipes wrapped around their hand. Tully had to fire his kid’s pediatrician just about the same time Ellis had to fire his dentist, and both for the same reasons, they were just shitty medical practitioners. Tully almost kicked a hairdresser in the cunt cause he went in for a trim and these LA bitches be assuming that everybody is trying to get made over into Brad Pitt or something, and then to top it off he found a dentist and before they would even inspect his teeth they start trying to sell him a whitening package. Ellis has heard enough of all this shit, and decided that he’s just gonna start getting every reference for any service he possibly can from Joel Madden, cause he seems to get shit handled pretty well. Jude had to fire his house cleaner a while ago cause she kept accidentally cleaning up his drugs and leaving windows open and shit. But it’s really kind of his own fault for being so comfortably numb. Jude and Ellis talked for a while about the ins and outs of working at Sirius and how there’s definitely some dumb shit that goes on in the corporate structure, but it is still a good company. And since normal radio is essentially a god damn waste unless you’re waiting for a notification of which fallout shelter to go to in the event of a nuclear attack, then it would make good sense for SXM to get their shit together and drop the Jamie Foxx channel. Ellis found out that Andrea’s new boyfriend is a Persian Jew, and the guys had to explain to him why that’s not a bad thing or a weird thing, but actually pretty normal. Basically, kill your local fundamentalist who’s working on taking over a country, no matter what their religion is. They’re just gonna do it wrong and make a big fiasco out of it. If they’re standing on their front porch on a Wednesday morning telling you what their god is pissed at you for doing that you have no problem with and none of your friends care about either, you should go over and bust his head with a huge fucking rock. I’m not anti-religion, I’m just anti-loudmouthed-biased-shithead-with-nothing-better-to-do. Andrea also somehow got it in her head that Ellis didn’t like Jewish people and he had to let her know that the only reason he could have to hate her boyfriend sight unseen is if he was a rollerblader. But that’s not important cause RUDE JUDE’S BOOK HYENA JUST GOT PICKED UP BY A REAL PUBLISHER AND THEY’RE GONNA CRANK OUT A MASSIVE FUCKLOAD OF THEM!!! You’re welcome, Jude, glad to do my part. Was a lot of fun to read and I’m glad it’s turning out well for you. The guys talked for a while about living under a dictatorship in post revolutionary Argentina (cause sometimes that’s just where stuff goes) which brings me back to my point about smashing fundamentalist skulls. Remember when Iranian women wore loose, flowing dresses and were allowed to go to college? I bet you don’t. Y’know why? Mmhhmm, not enough skull wrecking where and when it needed to be done. You should also punch white people who think it’s alright for them to use the N-word in casual conversation with their non black friends. They got it coming too. This brought Jason to asking “If we can’t all get along, how about we all have more orgies?” and that really does seem like the solution. Call me crazy, but letting your neighbor bang your wife while you bang your friend’s cousin just seems like the way to start breaking down all those walls. Walls that will soon be splattered with jism. Somehow, this made the conversation turn to when it’s OK to commit murder, and how no matter what the conditions of it are, it’s the type of thing an insane person does, not just somebody who’s a criminal, but then again we still have to treat it as a crime and not just give somebody a pass for having shitty parents. I sorta missed most of this and couldn’t really follow it from the middle on out, but there were phone calls and intelligent debate on the subject and a very silent “fuck whitey” seemed to be floating through the whole conversation. Especially Germans, they seem to be the most interested in murder out of all the honky European countries. Somehow the topic switched to old western movies and Jason went on a tangent about how cowboys are a pack of morons that need to learn some impulse control and the Natives were some sweet mellow ass mother fuckers. Let’s just let that marinate for a while and contemplate why Canada is better and you should all feel very ashamed of your heritage. Unless you’re black, y’all had a rough go of it, there’s no grudge to be had there. But still, go to Canada, they’ll treat you better. Malcolm X would cosign y’all eating poutine and drinking Molsen.

 

Don’t miss the date, Jason is gonna be doing another book signing at the San Diego Harley Davidson dealer and he might go stunting on a soft tail in the parking lot, or just take a picture with you in a chokehold. Tully found a news story about a family that was terrorized by their own cat. And not like they had a domesticated panther, just a regular cat. It really goes to show you, dogs truly are better and cats are definitely planning to kill you at their earliest convenience. You’re still kind of a wanker if you can’t defend yourself against a house cat though. Even an 18 pound house cat is still a bitch and you could easily take it one on one. The guys took a tour of some new buttons they had and there were quite a few pretty good ones from Cumtard, Pendarvis, Dr. Drew, and some lady who may or may not have been that porn star that Cumtard had sex with, and many more. In testing all these new buttons, the guys noticed there’s some editing problems because there’s some sort of echo on everything that everybody except WILSON could hear. So, it looks like the new studio is quickly turning into the same ramshackled shithole that Swinghouse was, and as a long time fan, it just wouldn’t be the same without technical difficulties. It adds that certain charm, like when you’ve owned the same car for a long time and have that perfect ass divot worn into the seat and the gearshift has deteriorated into the exact shape of the inside of your closed fist. A guy called in to talk about how he got his throat raped by mother nature when he got trapped in an avalanche and that shit was hilarious cause they just couldn’t stop making blow job references to this guy’s impending doom. Another guy called in to let he guys know that he just broke up with his girlfriend and he’s on the prowl for some snow ‘tang, just as long as the bitch doesn’t come with a metric fuck tonne of emotional baggage looking for some long term support. Homeboy needed to have a bitch and moan session for a bit, but the guys talked him off the ledge and let him know that he ain’t wrong and shit is gonna get better, just don’t turn no rebound pussy into a 3 hour tour. Tully found a story from a sports writer at the New Yorker about how it feels to be 96 years old and this brought the conversation around to the question of just how fucked up can your balls get when you’re incredibly fucking old. This one time, at tard school, Kevin farted in an empty orange juice bottle and got one of his friends to sniff it and he stank was so rank that the guy vomited. Apparently, this is not Cumtard’s first foray into farting on/for people, he once laid his asshole directly on his buddy’s face and cracked one off. A nurse called in to talk about how old man balls really are just as terrifying as you might think, and probably worse for the guy they’re hanging off of. And everyone thinks boxers are better and I’m a weirdo cause I like to keep my nuts supported, well the joke’s on you fuckers cause you’re all gonna trip over your testicles and break a hip on your way out to grab the paper and I’m gonna have wonderful balls that all the nursing home staff are gonna be pleased to clean shit and piss off of when I’m ancient and invalid to the point of requiring a syringe full of paste to be shot into my mouth so I don’t starve to death. Then again, having a little sag would be cool, cause if you’re fucking someone doggy style it’ll create an off-rhythm slapping effect against the clit and that’s a game changer. And if the chick you’re banging is just as old and weathered, and her tits are hanging low enough, you could cake it to the next level of nipple play when your testes start slapping the titties around like a proper 1970’s pimp to his most disrespectful hoes. Another nurse called in to talk about one patient he had who would go into kidney failure and his body would release all this fluid anywhere it could and enough of it would collect in his ball sack that the fuckers would grow to the size of a cantaloupe and need to be drained, but still doing permanent damage and giving the guy a permanent set of wind chimes at the knees. Kevin Googled fucked up testicles and found some pics of a testicle tuck, and it’s basically another pointless plastic surgery that only the rich and stupid with poor self esteem could possibly be interested in. If you really wanna fix them up, get electrolysis but just on the top part, then pump them full of botox until they’re smooth as eggs, and tattoo a couple gangster faces on them so you got thug balls. Then, you’re pretty much guaranteed that any girl who would even look at them, will certainly suck them. A caller let the guys know that if you let yourself get really fat and then lose the weight, your balls are gonna probably knock against your ankles by the time you’re 80. Some people on the twitter made mention of a technique known as “ball ironing” to give the balls a smoother, younger appearance, which is usually done at the same time your pissing thousands of dollars away on a “scrotal lift.” Hey, if you can sell it and that profit goes to something that makes the world a better place, then go for it. Another retirement home worker called in to report that the elderly and incapacitated are having crazy amounts of sex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid seeing a pair of horrifically dangling balls slapping against a droopy pancake ass. And STD’s run rampant there, so it ain’t just gonna be bedsores, but herpes lesions as well. Hope you’re already hard at work digesting your dinner folks, cause if not, it’s gonna come back up real quick. Moving on from the balls, Tully found some medical stories about people having extreme plastic surgery. One guy had a shitload of oil pumped into his arms and instead of looking shredded, he just looks like Popeye with bodybuilder tits. How’s that steak taste the second time around? It’s cool, I’ll give you a couple minutes to go grab a bucket.

 

A guy in New Zealand got a letter from the government that said he needed to renew his passport, but noticed that they made a typo on his name. Specifically, that his name was “Full Metal Havoc More Sexy And Intelligent Than Spock And All The Superheroes Combined With Frost Nova” and of course, that actually is his legal name due to the fact that he lost a bet and had to change his name. Someone sent Tully an infomercial about something called the “Rainbow Sponge” and the lady pitching it is not really selling the sponges as much as trying to get her art career off the ground and maybe have an orgasm in the process cause painting on camera really gets the girl juice flowing for this particular wench. And in perfect time, Jason played the Lou-Tallica “I Am The Table” riff and it could not have fit more perfectly. I’m glad that’s still on the button bar, it needs to be used every once in a while so we all remember how well it fits as a soundtrack to really bizarre shit that makes no sense. The guys talked for a while about Gina Carano possibly coming back to the ring to finish out her contract and how her acting career sure as hell isn’t doing any better so why the fuck not? There was a bit more MA talk since the welter-weight belt is up for grabs this weekend, but fuck all that cause Brian Posehn is in the studio today! Right off the bat, the guys hashed out how to evolve the AIDS and Rape burp phenomenon and basically, if you don’t want to seem like a dick in front of new people, add “research” after AIDS and “Whistle” after rape, and all of a sudden you’re a fucking philanthropist and hot bitches will fuck you. Brian has been keeping up with his comedy work after the backlash of talking a little good natured shit about Insane Clown Posse and being ostracized by the Juggalos. Ellis tried to get Brian more acquainted with Cumtard because they’re both massive potheads who like metal and comic books. They also have severe self-deprecation issues but have learned how to make it work for themselves. the guys talked family and dogs and what a piece of shit car Tom Green is driving that he’s way too proud of and it’s nowhere near as good as Brian’s hybrid SUV. After all that Brian and Jason got into a discussion about metal and how the trend is coming back around to actually sing clearly and that’s a really good thing cause the cookie monster shit is way overdone and wasn’t particularly good to start with. After all this talk of metal, Jason decided to introduce Brian to the wonder that is HateBean, and he was entirely confused but seemed to be willing to buy the album if it ever actually comes out. The guys had a game of shock Pictionary for Brian to play with Cumtard in his corner. The pictures and guesses and such were hard to guess for all of us listening at home, but after Mark McGrath’s scathing accusation that everything’s rigged in Tully’s favor, it was refreshing to hear him get electrocuted and try to draw things. Take that McGrath, right in your sugar coated butthole. Cumtard knows how to scream too, and win or lose it’s always nice to bring new people into the fold of electrocuting the fuck out of people for everyone else’s amusement. After the game Jason and Brian traded speeding ticket stories, due to the fact that Brian got a ticket on the way to the studio today. After a cop called in to give Jason some get out of  ticket free cards, he got the idea to actually use them by renting a Lamborghini next time he’s in New York and boiling the tires clean off it in Times Square with both doors open and Chicago blasting on the stereo, just to use the card when the police come to pound his spleen out. The guys took some phone calls and considering how much weed Brian Posehn smokes, his fans certainly do not surprise me in the quality of content. The guys talked some more about metal after Brian noticed that there may have been a Hatebreed riff in one of the bumpers. Then they talked about the rise and fall of the band Lost Prophets and how every band that sucks needs to meet a similar end. The guys dissected how it is that four people can agree to become the shittiest band in history and just how the fuck do people come up with their on stage diatribes between songs without sounding like they’re regurgitating someone else? Some more callers displayed how high they were this afternoon and give Brian praise for his work on the Sarah Silverman show. Kevin had to come in and retell the farting in the orange juice bottle after a caller rehashed the story of a bit that Brian did on the Sarah Silverman show where he and his man-wife find a jar that they farted in when they were kids and the fart is still in it, so then they go on a quest to fart on anything and everything they can. Final calls were mostly just accolades mixed with Brian and Jason talking about vinyl hunting and metal and how utterly fucked it was when the lead singer of Lamb Of God had to go to jail in Prague because some fan died in the pit at a festival. Before finishing out the show, Brian was getting a little too modest about his ability to knock out Glenn Danzig, so the guys decided to fish the punch pad out from behind the couch and Brian scored a respectable 34, just above the lovely Tara Patrick, who we all know can’t fight after her and SSSAAAAAMMMMMM’s stellar performance at EM9. Ellis thought it would be a great TV bit to send Brian out to random people’s houses to start digging in their backyard like they’re gonna get buried there, just to see people’s reactions. All in all, a very successful day.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

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Show Re-Cap for Monday 2/24/2014

last_drop_is_mine

The pee-pee fairy is real!

So there I was… listening intently to my favorite show when suddenly it dawned on me. “Hey! It’s Monday and I’m supposed to be writing a re-cap!” Cool story, huh? Yeah. Well don’t worry. I’m here! So first things first, the show is from that place where a lot of bimbos are kept, lots tan people (aka Mexicans) are running around, and everyone wears goofy sunglasses that way too large for their heads. Ellis is doing his best to fight the pee-pee fairy, you know – it lives in your underwear and steals the last drop of piss from your wiener. Tully just lives in denial to the pee-pee fairy because he wears really dark underwear, therefore never seeing the tell-tail signs of the pee-pee fairy or his skidmarks. Ellis saw his ex-wife cry in front of Katie. Tiger was getting weirded out about this half black, half white kid chasing him at Sky Zone or whatever trampoline world place they were at to celebrate his birthday. Ellis was busy blowing up balloons and making “blow me” jokes when he saw Devin, mommy, & grandma b-line it to the bathroom. Turns out there was some weird family issue with the aunt and it got pretty uncomfortable and a little tense. Ahhh, family. We’ve all got one. Well most of us do, unless your family is dead or didn’t want you as a child and left you by a trash can at a Walmart. What? Did I say something wrong? Break time!

joey-diaz

Ready for training?

And we’re back! Joey Diaz is in studio and we’re talking about the smartest kid ever, who sold Girl Scout cookies outside of a weed dispensary. Joey thinks Ellis looks like the ultimate road warrior, this lead to Joey telling the story of how he knew the key grip or something from the Mad Max movies, which led into Dances With Wolves and failing eye sight as you age. What? You can’t see the connection? Joey recently quit smoking weed, now he just vaporizes it. A lot of it. If you’re familiar with him, you know he’s been a heavy weed smoker for a long time. No, I mean a heavy into weed. Like he out baked Doug Benson heavy. This is him trying to bring his lungs back into shape so he can really start seeing the benefits of jiu-jitsu. We got to hear about how CoCo used to carry around a machine gun and acquired a trunk load of cocaine and how he went to prison. Again, if you’re familiar with Diaz, he’s got more stories than Stephen King and almost all of them are pretty crazy. He kidnapped a dude in 1988, bumped into the dude again in ’94 and tried to apologize but as one might expect, it was accepted. He tried to friend the guy on Facebook, the guy wouldn’t accept his friend request and then a quarter of a century later, the guy calls up Joey on his podcast and finally accepted his apology. See? He’s got some pretty gnarly stories. He talked about the recently deceased Harold Ramis and how he got to have a short part in one of his movies and picked his comedy brain for a couple days. Basically, I could write on for days and days about all the entertaining stories and life this guy has lived, but I just don’t have that kind of time. Fuck, I think the Internet might even run out of 1’s and 0’s if I typed all that shit. So if you want more Joey, catch him on his podcast, catch him on The Joe Rogan Experience, catch him in movies, catch him on Twitter, Facebook, you can catch this guy in a lot of place – just Google him. Break time!

bourne-tard

When shit gets outta hand, Bourne-Tard is ready to keep people in line.

And we’re back! Aussie News time with the suicidal reproduction of mouse like marsupials who fuck themselves to death. Time to start paying the price for the bets that were made on the UFC fights this past weekend. To revisit, Tully bet if Rousey lost, he’d drink his own pee, if McMann lost, Cumtard would have to drink his own pee. Rousey won – even though people think the fight was stopped too soon – so that’s sippin’ on some pizzurp time for Kevikins. Cumtard also lost his bet with Ellis since Cummins lost, so now Cumtard will eat normal shit for 45 minutes and then eat a vomit inducing onion. In other MMA News, Cyborg really wants to take out Rousey but feels like Rousey and Dana White are doing all they can to avoid that fight, which isn’t surprising to hear come from Cyborg. A lot of people would like to see that fight happen, but the odds are probably pretty slim that it ever will. Let’s face it, Cyborg isn’t the most well liked fighter, lots of claims of her roid use, she doesn’t want to fight at the champion’s weight, and many people think she’s never fought anyone as good as Rousey. In who gives a shit news, Hulk Hogan is coming back to the WWE, brother. Moto News with Mike Alessie’s incident with Broc Tickle, where Alessie straight up took out Tickle. That bullshit earned him a fine of $4,000 from the AMA and a bunch of hate from fans, riders, and pretty much everyone except his daddy. Break time!

cumtard-bourne

Remember how much Jason Bourne couldn’t handle even smelling onions?

And we’re back! This time with Cowfucker News. Old, inside show joke? Nope. There actually was news about a cow fucking duo busted by a farmer. Now, piss drinking time – allegedly. And there we go. Ok, that was a bit anti-climatic, right? Well it should come as no surprise that this isn’t the first time Tard-Tard has been sippin’ on some pizzurp. So, the only way to remedy this is to put the shock collar on him and make him start eating the onion. Houston, we have vomit. Before he could even get a mouthful in, he started gagging and spitting. The best way I can describe the sound of what happened during the bit is to have you imagine a mentally challenged person fucking the tracheotomy hole of another person, in an insane asylum, while two Japanese chicks barf into bowls who then trade bowls, and begin to consume each other’s vomit, causing them to vomit the other person’s vomit back up, but they vomit the vomit into the tracheotomy hole while the mentally challenged person continue to fuck it. Did you cum yet? Wilson’s super happy about all this because he’s in the middle of trying to hire a new employee while all this is going on, which you just know makes the person looking for a job there, super excited about their potential future career there. And now I just have one final story for you before putting a ribbon on this bitch and calling it my gift to you.

when_im_the_only_one_laughing

Anyone? Yes? No? Just me?

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.” The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. “What happened!?” they cried. The husband said, “I’m not sure – I think maybe she choked.” Get it? Because he put his dick in her mouth. Instead of giving her oral sex. Get it? OH! (pee on you)

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