Welcome to the pleasure dome ladies & gentlemen. Put one hand on your genital area, tighten up that belt around your neck, and get ready to diddle yourself silly. According to Ellis, when you hit the age of 65, you no longer look human, you look like Yoda. That’s Ellis’ research, and Rawdog’s research? GILFs. Tully has an uncle who is like 80 now, and he told him every time he looks in the mirror, he’s surprised to see that he’s old. That could be the onset of senility, or it could be because he doesn’t feel like he’s 80. Ellis saw and used the sister version of the Swinghouse bathroom over the weekend, it was let’s say, well used. Rawdog went shopping over the weekend, which of course brought up the logical next step, he needs a new car. His laptop is still with the fuckin geek squad or some shit and he said it’s going to cost a lot of money. This is about when, collectively, the jaws of all listener’s across the globe hit floor – after he said he thought he’d probably lease a vehicle because he couldn’t afford to buy a vehicle. Tully clarified it that he can have a car payment, buying a car doesn’t mean you have to pay for it all once. Rawdog also doesn’t have a credit card because he doesn’t want to have to pay fees to build “credit” (and yes, he put air quotes around credit). So let’s re-cap the past two revelations real quick. 1.) He didn’t know that you can buy a car, not pay the full amount, but have car payments. And, 2.) he’s never owned a credit card and has no idea how one builds up their credit rating.
So UFC Fight Night 26 was on Saturday. Sonnen guillotine choked Shogun until he tapped, and then Sonnen made the stupidest after fight speech I’ve ever heard in the UFC or I imagine that would ever be uttered in the WWE. He also called out another older, ready to retire fighter, Wanderlei Silva. And look, we all know what Sonnen is doing, he hypes up himself and his fights, but that was so ridiculous, I think it cheapened the UFC image and sounded worse than the bullshit wrestler’s in the WWE spew. Travis Browne knocked out Alistair Overeem (Ovaries as Ellis says) and put that roid raged dude with a front kick and hammerfists. Matt Brown pretty much knocked out Mike Pyle in 29 seconds, even though Pyle pretended he was totally all there after his fucking head bounced off the canvas several times. John Howard won in a hug-filled split decision over Uriah Hall, and Urijah Faber’s cornrows won a decision over Iuri Alcantara. And thanks to Sonnen’s stupid ass post-fight speech, I can fake segway right into Tito Ortiz fake hitting Rampage Jackson with a fake hammer during a fake wrestling match.
Korean shit wine is a thing, it’s called Ttongsul and is rice wine mixed with the fermented turd of a human child. It’s alcohol content is around 9%, it’s poop content is around 91%, and it’s supposedly medicinal in some crappy way, but the rest of the world is calling bullshit. Ellis heard some religious radio show that was talking about a guy that’s now a girl and wants to play basketball against chicks. Basically, it sounds like almost any women’s event in the Olympics where communist countries participate. This brought us into some Jesus talk, with Julio, Enrique, and Rosalita. Tully had a dream, and needed some dream interpretation from Ellis – which just so happens to be Ellis’ forte! His dream was that he was watching Sylvester Stallone in a big fight scene against brown people. He was on top of their car trying to hold on and shoot the bad guys, like a James Bond. Next he was helping chase a Max Headrom type character through a train station, while his wife is off shopping or some shit. Finally, he was playing women’s softball. Ellis says the 1st dream is about Tully learning to get along with his Japanese in-laws. The 2nd dream is the train of life, he’s moving forward. The 3rd dream is part his competitive nature who got beat by DanOD5 and so he feels emasculated. The 3 dreams together mean he’s a good, loving, father who got beat up by a chick.
Rawdog had a semi re-occurring dream which is him standing on top of a mountain, it’s crumbling, he keeps jumping to different mountains but they keep crumbling. Dr. Ellis says it’s the pedestal his parents had put him until his sister and brother were born and then that pedestal crumbed beneath him. Ellis continued taking calls and helping analyze the dreams of callers until everyone was satisfied and will sleep comfortably for the foreseeable future. What a guy! And apparently I’m gay and want to have sex with bears. The US military invested up to $44 million big ones on a stealth bomber. Canadians? They spent $620,000 little ones on a stealth snowmobile, and while it’s not quite stealth yet, it is pretty quiet! Moto news time, Ryan Villopoto just might be the current world’s greatest motorcyclist racer, actually, he must be. Because somebody said he’s wrapped up the title because they added his points up on a calculator or some shit. There’s a mystery superstar actress who overdosed and it’s all caught on camera and shit. Sounds juicy. In Aussie news, Ellis will be on Loveline tonight, I think, pretty sure. Oh, and some old Canberra man tried to shove an entire fork in his bleeding dickhole for sexual gratification. You stay forking classy Australia! Researchers at a university in Australia think if you add electrolytes to beer, the world can be hangover free, because I mean really, who has time for a glass of water before you pass out in a puddle of your own piss?
A 22-year-old man was walking on train tracks and got hit by an Amtrak train going 110 MPH. The conductor said he hit him straight on, but was fully conscious when police arrived and he’s not only fine, he’s okay. Josh found a site that identifies the lowest rated (or most hated) videos on YouTube, it may or may not be boootube.com. Live limbo time! How low can you go? Rawdog versus Ellis in a limbo competition, where Rawdog should have a clear edge here since he spent a portion of his college days at limbo parties. While the tale of the tape gives the advantage to Rawdog, it did not turn out to be enough as Ellis was able to out limbo Rawdog and his Monster Mash limbo method. The punishment for losing? Spin the wheel of doom! And what was the justice to be served? RC car nut pull. Hey, wanna fight at EllisMania 9? Make a video of you sparring or punching a heavy bag or you little sister or some shit and send it to firstname.lastname@example.org. And now, it’s racial joke Monday. A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” The parrot says “I’ll have a beer!” The bartender’s impressed, slides over a beer and says, “Anything else?” The parrot says, “I’ll have a shot of rum!” The bartender is amused by all this and says, “That’s quite impressive, where did you get him?” The parrot says, “Africa, they’re everywhere!” OH!