Since The Jingleberries haven’t done it, I did my own shitty version because god damn it – I wanted to.
How do you like your martini, shaken or stirred? Well if you have an Ellis Show martini, Ellismate is the vodka, Tully is the vermouth, Rawdog is the Olive of course, and Jizzcult is the bit that spills on the floor like the delicious cum he loves so much. They really do need to get a health inspector over to swinghouse to check that place out, especially the kitchen/shitter. Ellis got weights yo! He’s gonna start lifting em outside jailhouse style. This is a good start until he can get some ‘boulder money’ like Thomas Haden Church got going on. I wonder of THC plays golf? That’s a hard game, and would be a decent idea for ‘Doing Stuff With Rawdog’. It sounds like Ellis n Josh will be banging out a few of the fans suggestions for Ellismania.com real soon. Sneak Peak: Inserting a tampon. Ollie on a skateboard. Baking a cake. So be sure to get it up ya! However, don’t go getting those yellow bracelets up ya just yet, as Ellismate was attacked by his today while taking his kids to school. Speaking of his kids, Snookie asked him if they could go to Australia for their vacation, which could be a good idea and a difficult one in the same respect for The Wing. Tully’s kid is perfecting his Dracula voice, and also makes a damn good cymbal for when Tully is drumming to Hair Nation. And why don’t we beat out kids like we use to? Ellismate got lifted in the air by his ears when he was a kid and look how he turned out. That was long before his first AC/DC concert, still inside his mothers womb. Over 40 years later, and those muthafuckers still shred like none other. Check out this video Tully was watching with Linsanity, schooling him to one of the greatest bands of all times, enjoy!
In ‘Cock News’, some dude in Bangkok was injecting olive oil into his junk to gain a few inches, when something went wrong, horribly wrong! In more important ‘Cock News’, the show called honorary Wolfknives member ‘Horse Dick Man’ to confirm the details about the horse cock for ‘The Reckoning’. All’s good to go, it shouldn’t be too big for Rawdog’s throat and he’s going to try to keep the balls. That shits only one month from today, how excited are you? Not as excited as you are for Whacky Will Pendarvis and this new game ‘You Sir, Are A Moron!” Pretty complex idea here, a topic is thrown out, Tully Ellis n Rawdog state which side they agree with, and if anyone is in disagreement, then you sir are a moron. We got to listen to such riveting debating themes as cryogenic freezing, increasing the drinking age to 18, Ellen DeGeneres, 10 ninjas vs. 1,000 zombies and many many more. There was one topic though that is near and dear to us all, big or small areolas. Turns out Rawdog is a huge fan of huge areolas, and was willing to fight for his belief with such passion. Oh, and someone tried to snowball Ellismate, but he said fuck that, unlike big areola boy. Speaking of big areolas, some hot chic sent in pictures of her large nip nips, as well as her number, oh yeah!
What’s an Ellis Show without some good ol’ ‘Hollywood News’? Justin Bieber is a good place to start, since he’s not finished with Selena Gomez yet. Michael Lohan isn’t finished either….making kids. This idiot had a child with another lady, in between the birth of his 2 daughters we did know about. Too bad it wasn’t with Judge Judy, who is still strutting her shit at 70, check it out! And who’s going to argue with Leonardo DiCaprio’s birthday being Hollywood News, especially when it involves Robert De Niro about to throw down with Jay-Z. Maybe we could get those two at the next Ellis Mania. If we don’t though, we just gotta make sure there are no Onion Smoothie Challenges and we should be ok. Cumtard and Rawdog weren’t ok though, having to compete in such an event, and did it
suck rule. We already know about Cumtard’s fear of onions from yesterdays recap, but today was the real fucking deal. First we had to work out the details, like using the shock collars for one, and who the loser had to text. For Cumtard, who happened to eat 3 bowls of Fruity Pebbles in preparation for this event, it would be his ex on the line. For Rawdog, the chic with the huge areolas mentioned earlier. Just as the collars get put on, and the onion smoothies enter the room, Cumtard starts shaking and freaking out from the anticipation. He said he would rather lick a man’s asshole or take an aids blood transfusion than this shit. After a little Harden The Fuck Up, it was showtime! About 15 seconds in, and not even a drink taking yet, Cumtard started choking. He only made it about 30 seconds before the dry heaves came on. Finally he took his first drink, and as he said he would, vomited for the rest of the bit. Rawdog on the other hand took only a little bit, and spit up most of it on his computer. He just whined mostly, and no good gaging like from the horse cock practice he put in last week. BLAHT!
A former cop is $450 richer today, after dunking his head into a bucket of piss, go figure that one out. No really figure it out, it is worse to pour a bucket of piss over your head, or dip your head into the urine can? What if it was cum instead of urine, is that worse? Let’s say you had to choose your method of death from drowning by piss or cum, what is it hotshot? Tully reminds us of one key detail in breaking this down, cum equals life but piss is just waste, think about it. While you ponder that, Rawdog was trying to figure out the best thing to text the Areola Queen. Despite numerous suggestions from Ellis and Tully, he decided to go with some lame shit and an emoticon. More talk about Ellismate’s vacation plans, and a sick cunt battle between Ellis and Rawdog in their heaviest of Aussie accents. It was “fawking” sick mate, about as sick as Cumtard when he finally made it back into the studio. Felt bad for that dude, he really sounded hurt up. I mean worse than the time #ellisfam preformed a 960 gang bang on your mom, bitch couldn’t walk right for at least a week, OH!