I really could have sworn that today was the 10th, but apparently this bitch was living in the future- because today is Tuesday the 9th and my mind has been minimally blown. Maybe not minimally blown. Maybe just shaken up a bit. That’s what happens some days, I guess. Just means that I wrote the date wrong on a bunch of shit today. Whats the worst that could happen? But, anyway, welcome to the show and fuck off. Ellis found some awesome balls at the airport and he is having another kind of ball using them to massage the fuck out of the knots he has in his backs and his hips, so fuck yeah!!! They are the kind of balls that are especially hard and cause lights to pop off in the back of his brain and cell regeneration and man, everyone should have balls like Ellis has. Which, by the way, he has another awesome kind of ball that was sent to him by Sir BitPimps, the purveyor of awesome balls and it’s a No You Are ball. All the awesome people have them. How do I know? Cause I have one, and I am awesome.
By the way, since it’s Tuesday, where’s Jude? Oh there’s Jude, walking into the studio right now so wooooo Jude. Jude went to the rub and tug yesterday and he is in a good mood after his rub and tug. Tully inquired as to the exact mechanism of how one goes about getting a rub and tug and if you are able to request specific people. Jude said that if you go to one a lot and you know the people there than usually you can request a specific person, but also that there is a lot of turn over in those places. There are two kinds of employees at your local rub and tug- the ladies who are driving Benz’s and making a better life for themselves than we 9 to 5ers are currently making for ourselves, and the girls that are there working to pay off for being brought to this wonderful land of opportunity in the first place. Yesterday Jude went to a new place and he was being serviced by one of the latter ladies, and he motherfucking hates when these girls are trying to enter negotiations on the price like they think that Jude isn’t going to pony up the dough. It’s not like he’s some dirty, smelly, white trash dude walking in there…I mean..have you seen his shoe and watch game? It’d fucking strong. There’s a good tip in store for the girl on the other end of his tug. Ellis says that the first couple of times that he went for massages at those oh so special parlors that he didn’t know you were supposed to tip the girl, which probably led to some really dirty talk about him behind his back once he left the place, but he is all over the tipping game now.
Then Ellis decides that he needs to tell Jude about his super hard balls and has Jude try them out. And Jude does. Right there in the studio. On the floor. I wish that I had as much of a crush on Ellis as I do on Jude because that right there is what fantasies are made of. If only it were Tully going on about his hard balls and Jude trying them out. That would have been extra spectacular amazing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Ellis…but he’s one of those people that my brain put in the friend zone and nothing I can do can get him out of there. Oh well. Jude was totally in favor of trying out Ellis’s hard balls and maybe, as we speak, or as I write, he is looking for a place to snag some balls similar to Ellis’. I wonder if Ellis knows that he can do the ball thing against the wall too, and that it works just as well- if not better- than on the carpet. How do I know? Because I work with a physical therapist who does the ball thing with patients and I participate in that whole ball action myself from time to time.
Tully then brought up what has become a viral video of two women fighting in Wal Mart and one of the women’s kids getting in on the thing and people just stood there watching and filming as this went on for three minutes. Where was the white trash due ready to intervene and break up the fight? Where was the Wal Mart employee being all like, “What the fuck are you doing destroying things in here?” Although, on that count, I kind of believe the Wal Mart employees were probably part of the crowd of people watching this go on because they don’t get paid enough to afford to be able to get MMA fight nights on pay per view and hey, next best thing, right? Ellis is really offended that this shit went down in front of the lady’s kid with there being no intervention of any kind, and they talked about the fucked up things that people do in front of their kids sometimes. Parents, you really need to check yourselves, and check yourselves often when you have the kiddies in tow. I mean, if they aren’t around, then go nuts, but when they are around they are absorbing every detail of how you handle yourself. What you do, what you say, and what you consume. The Chubby Bub was asking me for an energy drink in the supermarket today because me and his father drink Monster in the morning (a habit which I am currently trying to kick). Of course I did not by my 6 year old an energy drink, I bought him coconut water, but yeah…he asked for an energy drink because Daddy and Jenni drink them. Check yourself before you raise little monsters.
Before Jude had to leave to go do his own show, they got into some talk about how Kid Rock won’t come on the show, and Jude was surprised but at the same time not all that surprised. Jude’s fucked someone that Kid Rock has fucked, and so has Ellis (not sure at this point if it was the same person) but they then got to talking about the people that they have had sex with that have had sex with other notable people and Ellis won it all by revealing that he had sex with someone who then went on to have sex with
Kiefer Sutherland and boom- that can’t be topped because he ruled in Young Guns.
Back from the first break Tully started talking about some App, which we may never know about because it wasn’t brought up again in the show and he didn’t finish talking about it because the board of things didn’t say that he was supposed to be talking about it. Instead, they were doing a new bit called ‘Dude, Do I Have Cancer’ where Doctors Ellis and Tully do some nice pro bono work and diagnose the listeners that call in about their ongoing and mysterious ailments. A lot of people called in and hey, guess what, they are all dying, because that’s what happens when you google any range of symptoms that are seemingly innocuous. Andrew felt a pain in his rib area and, do you know what? It’s probably not a muscle strain…it’s probably shingles (which Tully was quick to point out is a variation of the Herpes virus) and Andrew will die. Got numbness in your middle finger? It’s not because you have zero fucks to give..it’s because you likely are having a mini stroke. Got pain in your taint? Spine cancer is liquefying your spinal column and it is going to come out of your ass. Boom..you sir, have cancer and are going to die. Side note…to both the man peeing blood and the man ejaculating blood- please go see a real doctor, because that is terrifying.
After that Kevin came in with some news and I mostly was not paying attention because I was putting away laundry and then tearing my house apart because I noticed that my Fitbit popped off my wrist and I love my goddamn Fitbit. It’s almost like my best friend. I looked everywhere for it! I even paused the fucking washing machine and dug through the soaking wet sheets and blankets looking for it cause it was a birthday present from Hubbs and I was so fricking bummed out. It was in between the blankets on our bed. It must have popped off when I stripped the bed and put fresh sheets and blankies on it. I know that there was something about FIFA and it made Ellis talk about that Grizzly Bear movie that was terrible.
Back from another break Tully wants to talk about some MMA news that broke a couple of days ago which has yet to be discussed. Basically the UFC is going to drastically increase their drug testing to the point where each person in the UFC should expect random drug testing about 5 times a year. And that’s a good thing, ladies and gentleman, that perhaps other sports should follow the example of and therefore effectively put an end to the whole steroid use controversy that goes on. There are different penalties for coming up dirty, first time offenses being suspended for between 1 and 4 years depending on the circumstance, 2nd offenders facing 8 years off the UFC payroll, and 3rd time offenders being banished for life. Really, if you get a second offense that’s already saying goodbye to your fighting career.
Rounding out the show there was some talk about the upcoming Ellismania XI- tickets are already on sale!! Tully wants to know what Ellis wants to do regarding a fight and Ellis isn’t too sure. He would much prefer to be in a funny fight cause he doesn’t want to do anything like cutting weight since it makes him cranky and affects the show, and he just wants all the fans to be happy. He doesn’t want to get too comfortable with the fact that EMX went off with zero hitches because he knows that it isn’t a gauruntee that this one will go just as smoothly and that shit can fall apart at any minute. It’s only four months away, we’ll see what happens. FartGate 2015 also came up at the end of the show with both Will and Andrew (don’t know why we didn’t hear from CumTard) vehement in their denial of being the offending ass. There will be a man coming in to perform a lie detector test, but isn’t going to be available for tomorrow’s show as originally planned. I mean…will we ever really know? What happens if they all pass the test? Where did this mysterious stench originate? All these questions and more will be answered in the near future on *big music break* The Jason Ellis Show, so stay tuned folks.
See what I did there? ;) Xoxox