It’s that magical time of year again….X GAMES COVERAGE! Everyone’s favorite two days of Xtreme Sportz coverage presented by the ledge himself, Jason “Bro Brahh” Ellis. Woo! Total! Today’s GNARLY show started off with this little 14-year old dude who rides the megaramp, but decided to bitch out this year because he’d rather focus on his street contest. Pfffft, lame. Turns out this kid is friends with a bunch of Ellis’ old buddies, trains in Muay Tai, and thinks Metallica is the best band on the planet. Little dude is totally biting Ellis’ style, but it’s chill. Alright, enough of that. If I keep typing like that, I’m gonna off myself. Ellis got to the show late today because he didn’t realize that the location for the show was in the middle of nowhere and had an Uber driver who was fucktarded or something. Tully’s taxi driver was a blonde lady who had insanely long arm hair, so apparently escort drivers in Austin are quite the treat. Not tot be left out, Kevin and Andrew had less than pleasant journeys to Austin as well. Andrew had a man who was impersonating a freight train on his plane and Kevin had a guy who smelled like a dumpster fire on his.
After realizing that they had free reign to do pretty much anything and
because they were really bored keeping in spirit with the X Games, the guys decided to bet on if Kevin could run and jump over chairs in the hallway. Two chairs? No problem. Four chairs? Kevin eats shit and almost knocks the equipment off of the table. Four chairs attempt #2? Even worse than the last time. After such an amazing display of athleticism, an extremely winded Kevin called it quits.
The greatest mystery of the last decade, Fartgate 2015, is still raging on and now things are getting serious as a professional criminal investigator will be stopping by next week to administer a polygraph test to settle things once and for all. Speaking of crime, Tully compiled some local news stories and it turns out that the criminal flavor of the month in the greater Austin area is murder. Somehow, in ways only possible on this show, this transitioned into a conversation about the best way to eliminate old people so they stop hogging all of the pensions and retirement benefits. The best solution: create an AIDS ghost to kill the old people at a certain cut-off age. C’mon scientists, get on this shit! A strain of avian flu has hit the U.S. and has caused prices for chicken and eggs to go up dramatically, as well as leading some stores to place limits on the amount of eggs you can purchase at a time. Sure, this may seem relatively meaningless to most of you, but as someone who goes through 28 eggs as well as 3-4 chicken breasts each week, this shit is a big deal to me. I’m like the Hitler of chicken. SURRENDER YOUR EGGS OR FACE DEATH.
After the break, rally car racer Scott Speed stopped by to talk about his domination on the track and how it feels to kick people’s asses in a Beetle. To be fair, it’s a supped-up Beetle that goes 0-60mph in under two seconds. Scott and Ellis talked shit about Ken Block, Bucky Lasek, and Bucky’s Euro teammate who’s the rallycross version ol’ Yardsale Ellis. Following that, skateboarding champion Paul Rodriguez stopped by to talk about how these damn 14 year old kids won’t stay off his lawn and keep getting in his way of winning. P-Rod went on to talk about how getting old sucks, how he avoids injuries in his advanced age, and what time he best enjoys his tapioca pudding. Eventually, P-Rod’s nurse came to take him away so he could have his afternoon nap. Following old man Rodriguez, a very special guest stopped by…..JASON STATHAM! He must be promoting a new movie where he plays a rallycross driver because he said his name was Liam and had some lady pretending to be his pregnant wife with him. Man, he really stays committed to character. In order to end the show with a bang, Kevin dropped his pants and cleared three chairs with ease!
FUCK YEAH!!! Enjoy the X Games you radical sons of bitches!