Kung fu, man. There was a time when that shit was like black magic to us cracker people. Then Bruce Lee came along and we were no longer scared of kung fu guru dudes. Bruce Lee ate a bunch of weed and hash to help calm him down, no wonder that dude found his center. Guess it was hard god damn work to be Bruce Lee. Ellis flipped himself off right in his eye socket today while doing jiu-jitsu and now he’s got a shiner. Ellis was a temporary subject on a recent episode of The Joe Rogan Experience with Bryan Callen (check around the 1:12:00 mark for the Ellis mention). All is good, Ellis loves both those guys, and they weren’t talking shit on him or anything like that. Ellis is pretty bummed out about Vikings though – the TV show – and had to turn it off last night because his kids were watching and Ragnar’s (or somebody’s) son was dead with an arrow in his back. William Wallace is real, but don’t mention that to some people in the green room *cough* Andrew *cough* – because to them, it’s all a bunch of hooey. This lead to a series of questions about how far back and exactly what in history Andrew finds true or to have potentially happened or even existed. Corey Harrison, or “Big Hoss” as he’s known on the show Pawn Stars, called into the show to clarify what is and what isn’t true about the vikings – not the TV show, but the real ones. Even after being set straight by someone who has actually learned about the subject, Andrew is still not convinced and thinks everything about vikings, Mayans, American Indians, the flu, etc. is all a fabrication. He uses Brian Williams as his argument, claiming we don’t know what is real and what is not, maybe this is just one of the most elaborate and longest running lies in the history of mankind. It’s amazing how far Andrew is willing to defend his stance on common historical knowledge.
So after that, we got to listen to new rejoins. Ellis introduced himself to the people from The Foxx Hole, Jamie Foxx’s channel. Yeah, they know the show. Ben Affleck’s family once owned slaves, which Andrew probably doesn’t believe really happened because there was no iPhone available at the time to record 15 seconds of it to post on Instagram. Slavery and human trafficking still exists to this very day, maybe more so than ever before. There are containers filled with people being sold, probably in a Walmart for discounted prices because they buy in bulk. Anyway, Affleck found all this out on the show “Finding Your Roots” and he didn’t want that to be aired because people would think he too is racist. So remember how the cd player exploded and we didn’t get to finish listening to today’s contemporary music? Great news, it’s fixed and now we can listen to it. Great. Fucking. News. Just great. Katie thinks Jason has body dismorphic disorder because he’s constantly saying how fat he is, even when he’s not. Tully has accused nearly everyone in the green room of talking like a girl.
Shannon “The Animal” Shenanigans Gunz Gunz is in studio and she’s not too interested in sunbathing nude on Venice Beach. She’s just worried some homeless guy is going to be staring at her titties and not following the rules of nude beach life. So there’s a new game she’ll be a part of. They’re coming up with fake crimes that Cumtard has allegedly been sent to prison for. Along with the crimes, they are also coming up with motivations for the list of crimes he allegedly committed, all of this while Cumtard is unable to listen. He will then come in and be told his crime and his motivation for committing that crime and he will have to act that out, verbally. He’s not actually going to shit in a dolphin’s blow hole because he believes Tom Petty told him to do it. But before that, let’s get a little NHL News since it’s playoffs season. The Ducks have swept the Jets out of the playoffs. Calgary is currently leading the Canucks 3-1. The Blues and the Wild are currently tied at 2 games a piece. The Blackhawks are currently leading the Predators 3-1. The Canadiens are currently leading the Senators 3-1. The Redwings are leading the Lightening 2-1. The Rangers are leading the Penguins 3-1. And finally, the Capitals and Islanders are currently tied at 2 games a piece. So Bill is on the phone, he’s in prison for killing Lincoln with his bare hands and then shoving a bullet into his head. And sure enough, he blames secret messages in a Tom Petty song for motivating him to commit such a heinous crime. He also killed a giraffe and lived inside of it’s body because he wanted to raise awareness for irritable bowel syndrome. We have a new inmate, Martha, on the phone. She went to prison for car jacking, because of her Rastafarian beliefs. Now on the phone is Robert, he’s serving time because he’s a habitual peeping tom, he looks at everyone, anyone, and anything – including furniture. What drives him to be a habitual peeping tom? Because his partner, Peeping Tom as they called him, cheated on him. Now he goes peeping every night and all he can think about is Tom, but to be fair he can only look out the little door where corrections officers put his tray of food. And that was it, inmate rec time was over so no more calls from inmates.
World News with Will time. Oklahoma has had more earthquake activity than Los Angeles and they blame all the fracking. A Colorado teenager ate some weed and jumped out of a window, clearly he was a giant pussy. Some old lady strangled some other lady with her own bra and beat her over the head with a ceramic chicken figurine. A Michigan bitch got pissed when bacon didn’t come on her burger so she started busting caps up in that McDonald’s like it Suge Knight and Tupac were in a car in Vegas. A Massachusetts man hit his wife with waffle because she was making waffles for dinner – dumb bitch got slapped across the face with one of them waffles. Finally, Chinese government wants people to stop hiring strippers at funerals because it’s a total waste of MSG loaded poontang. The rest of the show was talking final calls and learning about why Armenian’s will not be working tomorrow. So there ya go, your recap for today.