Hi everybody! It was great seeing you all in Vegas, what a blast we had together! I met so many new faces, we shared laughter, stories, food, and good times. We’ve got a lot to cover today, so let’s just dive right into it, shall we? So today’s show was pre-taped, yesterday, about the events from the day before, but aired on Faction today. Let’s try and do this. It’s really not that hard. We already covered Friday’s live show, but we didn’t get to talk about HATEBEAN’s first and last performance that night, nor the Tiger Box concert later that same night, after HATEBEAN! Only HATEBEAN was live on OfficialJasonEllis.com, Tiger Box however, was not – though I believe it was filmed and will eventually be on the site as well. See? Simple, right?
Ok, now that we got that out of the way, HATEBEAN! It. Was. Amazeballs. Will absolutely fucking
kille murde it… Nevermind. Will was incredible. That’s no fucking joke either. Cumtard was great too, dressed as a cumtarded glam rocker with massive tits, but Will dressed as Meatloaf and belting out our favorite HATEBEAN songs, stole the show. I can’t even begin to imagine the amounts of pussy he plowed through after the show, but everybody knows WILL FUCKS! At one point, everyone in the crowd starting chanting along with Will saying “Blood-Was Squirting-Out My Penis” as if suddenly the crowd had joined a cult and everyone is chanting before the poison s’mores & kool-ade is passed around. Here are some more photos of the legendary HATEBEAN performance! More photos and video can be found here.
Tiger Box sounds like it was pretty amazing too, I didn’t get to see that, I was too emotional after the HATEBEAN performance. But apparently that girl (I forgot her name, sorry!) that sang Barracuda was so good, she has a spot as the singer if they ever start up another band. Blasko was there, he was probably bored and tired of playing with half-assed musicians. Cullen sang a Rancid song. Ellis was dressed as Gobledorf. And Tully wore those now infamous silver pants from his past. More photos and video can be found here.
EllisMania Hall of Fame Abductees:
The reigning 3-time (?) musical chair fight champ & all around legend
- Scott Green
Who wore a Don Johnson jacket
- Joel Mills
For reffing EllisManias & helping teach Ellis how to box
- Shantanee Raquel
For the humongous bitch fight
- Mike Jasper
For getting knocked out at EllisMania
- Crazy Jerr
For getting knocked out at EllisMania & scaring the shit out of everyone
- Face Plant Lauren (by way of Ellis)
For the humongous bitch fight
* Thanks to Shantanee, EmilyInSD, Sharkchucker, TankYanker, & Waydub for help with this list!
This years EllisMania MVPs:
- Thomas Haden Church
For matching Betsy’s $10,000 donation to charity
- Betsy English
For donating $10,000 to charity in the name of EllisMania
Musical chair fights, a favorite and staple of Ellismania’s was up first. Sam Tripoli looked like he wanted to quit and was damn near doing so. FonzoBlunt (Moooo!) was once again in the mix as of course was his father, Butterballs. No surprise here when Butterballs won once again, but he got a few shots to the ribs that tenderized his meat pretty good. For those of you who got to see the legend that is Butterballs, you’re lucky, because he came out of retirement for this bout and that was his last time fighting at EllisMania. He has officially retired, again. We salute you Butterballs, thank you for the years of entertainment at EllisMania’s, The Decockathon, etc. I’m not sure who all else was in the fight, I think some dude with an odd looking cock in Hulkamania costume. I can tell you this though, only the ending of this fight was on OJE. There were around 600 people online watching and the feed died right when the fights started, which happens pretty much every EllisMania, but the feed always comes back too. The chat of course went nuts with pissed off people and everybody just sat there circle jerking until the feed came back, by that time the fight was over.
Real Steal fight with Andrew The Giant and Nick. Dingo controlled Andrew while Tully controlled Nick, kind of. They tried some field testing with this in the studio and it took a few tries, but it seemed do-able. Problem was there were so many people there, I’m not sure the fighters could hear all their instructions. You could tell Andrew heard a lot more, though Ellis claims Tully just sucks at coaching. Nick wasn’t listening to Tully’s commands very well, either because he couldn’t hear or because he was in fight mode and everything else just automatically got blocked out. He was putting out some beautiful jabs, but the problem was they were in dead space, completely away from Andrew. Tully tried to tell him to turn once, but it wasn’t getting through, so Tully just focused on trying to get him to either throw a jab or a right hook, none of which were connecting. Andrew however was finding some landing zones and walloped Nick and first 3 rows of seats with wide, sweeping right hooks. Like really wide. Think like 18-wheeler turning a tight corner, that’s about half as wide as Andrew’s long-ass hooks. He’s a giant! Andrew of course won his fight, not that he did a lot of damage, but because Nick was punching nothing but air, poor guy. It was still entertaining. Oh, and Nick came out wearing some kind of mask, so that was pretty cool.
Virgin fight pit Hotdog against Axle, winner gets a date with a “professional” and has an alleged chance to win something else. Pussaaaay! Ellis thought Hotdog was being lazy and Axle looked tired and like he wanted to vomit. Hotdog definitely got more shots in and looked like the better fighter, he got better shots in. Axle seemed to just weather the storm and retaliate where he could. Both were breathing heavily and totally gassed out pretty quickly, but that’s fighting. Hotdog ended up winning, but kind of lost as he never did get his dick wet from a woman, just with his own sweat. But still, props to Hotdog, everyones favorite, rad intern! Also Axle cock blocked Ellis by staying in his room until 4 am, but to be fair, he’s a virgin, he didn’t know any better.
The first Biggest Loser fight for the men was Jeff versus Tony, both of whom lost 50-60 pounds to get a chance to be in this fight! These big boys moved, dodged, dipped, dived, duck, and dodged like they were coached by Patches O’Houlihan! It was pretty crazy seeing these guys move the way they did, the shots they threw, took, and they both kept going. It was entertaining fight and all it would take would be one major slip-up and one clean landing and one of them probably would’ve gotten starched. But that didn’t happen. I believe one of them said the other was allegedly talking shit on Twitter and Facebook and this would settle the grudge. One of them won and the one of them didn’t, unfortunately, I don’t remember which one is which. What do you want from me?
The next Biggest Loser fight was for the ladies, featuring Nipplopolis and Jen T. This fight was pretty one sided and probably should’ve been stopped a little earlier, but Amy didn’t want that to happen. She was there to prove she could hang and had the heart to do just that. Meanwhile, Jen looked like a natural, she was moving, hoping around, had a boxer’s stance, and would come in, throw some leather, and move back out. She was bigger too, but it was her technique and power that made this look pretty brutal. She mowed poor Amy down and eventually the fight had to be stopped. Nobody wants to see someone get brutalized for that long, it was just an unfair fight at that point. Even Ellis said he had hoped he wouldn’t be facing Jen later as part of his Diggstown fight. Shout out to both the ladies for losing so much weight and for getting in that ring, they both worked hard to get there and did a fantastic job entertaining the fans. On a side note, Amy wants to get a facial from her husband, but he doesn’t cum on her face. Apparently there’s been plenty of opportunities for that to happen, but her husband is more of a gentleman. He’s not going to just blast her right in the face with his wad, he prefers if she would take control of the stick and do whatever she pleases.
The second Biggest Loser fight for the men was Topper versus ??? (I can’t remember,) I think even the announcers kept repeating the wrong name on this one. Again, both of these dudes lost 50-60 pounds to get a chance to be in this fight! And again, one of them one, the other didn’t, that’s how fights usually work unless the WWE. And if it were the UFC, the wrong guy would’ve won. But in this case, I believe it was Topper who got dominated for the majority of the fight and ended up losing, win going to the mystery man.
The Piñata fight got pretty crazy right from jump street. This fight put 3 fans against 2 professionals, Kit Cope and Mike Jasper, both of whom were part of last year’s Piñata fight. This fight went a bit differently from last years. Last year, Jasper had gotten knocked out and came up swinging to knock out whoever his glove touched. This year, the fans pretty much over-powered Kit and Mike, it seemed as if the fans were in better shape and actually had a game plan this year, one that looked to be working. Ellis says someone kicked Kit while he was down, and also punched him the back of the head. During the announcing, Dingo pointed out that the fans are probably fearing for their lives so mistakes may happen, and that’s true. These are fans, not professionals. But that still doesn’t make it any less terrifying. Kit’s leg kicks didn’t seem to be doing a lot as he was bouncing off opponents like a pinball, but lets remember, he’s wearing shin guards and trying to immobilize, not take someone’s head off. Same with Jasper. If Kit and Jasper were given free reign, I’m sure they would’ve mopped up the mat with 3 fans, but they were trying to play it careful due to last year’s fiasco. During the melee, a fan had reached the Piñata while the other two tried to occupy Kit and Jasper. The fight had to be stopped because it was pretty much out of control and someone was going to get hurt if it kept going.
Blindfold shock collar fight, another staple and favorite at EllisMania where fighters are blind folded and fans gets controls for the shock collars. Jude was here now, actually he was there for the last fight, but the GHB hadn’t really kicked in until this fight. He looked like he was having fun and his motor skills were breaking down. This fight went just as expected and like it has in the past, except for one little turquoise variable. “Turquoise Jesus”, as Jude called him, quickly became a fan favorite as he ran from one side of the ring to the next, sometimes making contact with someone and sometimes just running into the ropes and falling down. It was the color that first attracted Jude’s attention, but that quickly turned to a fascination and laughter as Turquoise Jesus ran, bounced, and fell from one side of the ring to the next. It was hilarious, even BJ Baldwin’s guest, Dan Bilzerian, fell in love with “Turquoise Jesus” and wanted to give him $1,000. Kit Cope cash blocked that by telling Dan that it might not be such a good idea to mention his name at EllisMania. Turquoise Jesus was hilarious. Ellis and Tully both agreed they wouldn’t have denied him getting cash, they would’ve encouraged it, because he was “special” and brought on a lot of laughs. One of the guys may have been cheating a bit, allegedly. He seemed to know where Ellis was at and threw all his punches right at Ellis’ nose. Claims he heard Ellis talking on the mic and followed that. I don’t know, it looked pretty fishy and you could clearly see Ellis toying with him, every time Ellis moved, the guy was sure to follow and his punches were spot on. A little too obvious. Anyway, the fight was great, very entertaining, and Jude was fucking hilarious as he went through his GHB trip and announced how much he loved Turquoise Jesus. The clear winners here was of course the fans.
Will versus Cumtard fight. Ellis rollerblades in ring, Will wins within 45 seconds of the 2nd round by TKO. No dick & rings for Cumtard. Will was tired just walking to the green to get ready for his fight. The first round was starting to look like a throw-back to shades of Sam Ruben versus Tera Patrick. The second round however, was all excitement, even though it only lasted 40+ seconds. Ellis thought Will held back in the first round, so did Kit, and honestly, I did too. He just kind of pawed at Cumtard, he threw a lot of jabs, but kept his power right holstered. Will said he was super exhausted was thinking he might lose just by passing out, he said he could barely lift his arms. Between rounds, it was time for Ellis to pay up for his end of the bet. He had put on his fruit boots and reluctantly rollerbladed around the ring a few times and then kicked the rollerblades off with disdain and we were ready for the second round. Will miraculously came out with a renewed vigor and started uncorking some power shots on Cumtard’s cyst farm dome. Will thought Cumtard tripped, but Cumtard-bourne said he was ducking Will’s punches, fell over and got hit in the back of the head by one of Will’s punches, which is totally legal in EllisMania. Joel Mills asked Cumtard if he was alright, Will was praying to Satan he wasn’t. Cumtard got back up and Will socked him a good one to the kidneys that put Cumtard back on his ass, giving the Will the win by TKO. Cumtard was seeing stars and spitting & snotting blood. Will feels simultaniously terrible for making Cumtard bleed his own blood, but also feels great by scoring a knockout at EllisMania. Will had to go visit the EMTs after his fight, an EllisFam told he should go see them so he did. He was telling the EMTs how EllisFam is like a real family and he started getting choked up. After the fight, he felt a real bond with Cumtard and was super emotional. Welcome to having a serious fight, Will! Cumtard didn’t think Will would hit as hard as he did, nor did he think Will would last as long he did. Will apologized to Ellis for being the person responsible for Ellis having to put on rollerblades and blade around the ring. Will’s corner man, Kevin Zinger, never showed up.
Stripper fight time! Wow! These beautiful ladies had more cardio than anyone at EllisMania. Each were dressed in skimpy outfits – TheJennaConda was dressed as a naughty school girl and the other girl (sorry, don’t remember her name) was dressed as a naughty nurse. The idea behind these fights was that the loser of the round had to strip off an article of clothing until someone was down to pasties and a g-string. What? This is serious business! Nobody cared who lost or who won, only that these hot girls were getting more and more naked. Katie even hopped in to help them out of their clothing, she’s such helper! Anyway, the fans were the real winners here. Bonus, I know you’re probably going to overlook this, but Joel was very photogenic in this particular fight. He never stopped smiling. He’s a professional!
And now it’s time for the main event of the evening, the Diggstown fight. Here, Ellis will be facing 10 different fighters, 1 minute each. After Ellis got to see all 10 of the fighters he would be facing in the ring, Cullen asked Ellis who he wanted to face first. To everyone’s surprise, he chose Tully to be his first opponent. Not to take anything away from Tully, Ellis figured he would use Tully as a warm-up because he didn’t have a chance to hit pads before the fight. Tully caught Ellis with 1 good shot that Ellis says hurt. The rest of the time, Ellis pretty much toyed with Tully and was trying to conserve his breath and energy.
Forrest Griffin was chomping at the bit and didn’t wait for jack shit, he was going to be next no matter what anyone had to say about it. He just jumped right into the ring, fuck the bell, and started stalking Ellis like a man on a mission to whip the shit out of his mortal enemy. It looked like Forrest wanted to take Ellis’ head off and keep it as his own personally trophy. Forrest didn’t tune Ellis up like he could have, but he also wasn’t pussy footing around. If Ellis didn’t dodge some of those punches, it was going to be game over and Ellis would’ve gone to sleep – thankfully, he didn’t. He survived his 1 minute with Forrest. I think everyone (not just Ellis) breathed a sigh of relief at that point because Forrest is a big, strong, crazy, nasty man, and he seriously looked like he was going to turn Ellis into a pile of chewed bubblegum. Later on, Forrest would eventually go to Ellis’ corner to help corner and coach him through the rest of his opponents.
Next up was Keith Jardine, he hopped into the ring and was eerily and calmly waiting as Ellis took a small breather while Dr. Drew jerked off his arm. As soon as Ellis turned around, there’s this massive killer across the ring, giving Ellis the scariest face I could ever imagine seeing. It was part smile, part psychosis, and all terrifyingly evil. At this point, I remember thinking you couldn’t pay me enough to Ellis at that moment. Even if Keith said he wasn’t going to hurt me, no fucking way would I ever be stupid enough to be inside of a ring with that hulking beast. It’s easy to forget how big these dudes are. You see them on TV fighting guys pretty much their size, so they look big, just not as big as they really are. Keep in mind, Ellis is just over 200 lbs. and about 5’11” – 6′. Keith’s shoulders are about twice as wide as Ellis’. Baby shoulders or not, Ellis isn’t a tiny guy by any means, but next to Jardine, he quickly resembled a young boy. Keith wasn’t like Forrest, who just started charging like a bull. No, Keith let Ellis set himself up, then he’d plant a giant, hard as granite fist right into Ellis body. He made Ellis block his shots. He totally could’ve teed off on Ellis, but didn’t. He just kept letting Ellis get himself set and WHAM! Another blow that looked like it would crush bone into dust. This made Ellis tense up and prepare to defend another blow, which caused Ellis to hold his breath. Ellis survived, but Keith did his job perfectly, Ellis was tired at this point and still had 7 more fighters to go!
Up next, a little breather with a fight between the two Aussie brothers. Dingo, still dressed in his kangaroo outfit hippity hopped his way into the ring. Dingo’s roo hood came off right away as Jason kinda slugged him. That didn’t slow Dingo down a whole lot, matter of fact, I think that was Dingo’s cue to really try harder. Try as he might, he’s just no match. Ellis’ skill level is just too far beyond the average person, but Dingo manned up and went after his buddy as best he could. He didn’t get knocked out or anything, but he was seeing stars, that’s for sure.
Next in the ring was Urijah Faber, he came in with jeans, no shirt, and a baseball hat, flexing his titty muscles to intimidate Ellis and woo the ladies. Urijah is fast as your first time fucking. He unleashed on Ellis with a flurry of punches that dazed Ellis at least twice, he says he started to see a bright light and forced himself to come back even though his body wanted him to stop. Ellis returned the favor and punch Urijah in the face. Hard. Urijah really didn’t like that and things started to turn into a real melee at that point. From there right up to the end, it was a constant flurry of back and forth punches and I’m pretty sure neither one of them were pulling any punches – there was no love loss there. Afterwards, it was all smiles and hugs, but not during. That was Urijah doing his best to really give Ellis some lumps and Ellis really trying his best to show Urijah he’s no slouch.
Eddie Jackson was next in line, this is Ellis’ boxing coach. When he came into the ring and faced up to Ellis, he said, “Nothing personal, man.” (paraphrasing there) to which you could clearly see Ellis saying some like “Oh, really!?” And from that point on, it was a technical clinic being put on both. Ellis knew Eddie is good enough to take whatever Ellis could throw at him, Eddie knew that too. Still, there wasn’t a lot of punches pulled here. There were a few times Eddie could’ve really caught Ellis, but for the most part, both dudes went in hard in the fuckin paint. It was fascinating to watch the technical skills being show by both fighters.
Mike Catherwood stepped into the ring for his turn. Catherwood is no cake walk, but he’s also not on Ellis’ level, so no big fear here. However, Ellis is exhausted by the point, he’s faced 6 people by this point, half of which are legitimate killers. Forrest wanted Ellis to pull Catherwood’s head gear down over his eyes and kick him right in the nuts. He didn’t, but he also cracked Catherwood the hardest out of anyone he fought. Catherwood turned out to be the best surprise boxer and did an awesome job singing in Tiger Box. Apparently this guy not only has anger issues, but he can channel his rage into either singing, boxing, racing go-karts, or fighting with his wife at go-kart tracks.
Mike Jasper came up next to face his good friend. Jasper looked a little concerned for Ellis because of how exhausted he was. He looked like he wanted to take it easy, but I don’t think Ellis had that in mind at all. He wasn’t about to quit or take it easy after all the shit he’s been through so far. Of course Jasper was much fresher and had a little more pep to his step, but Ellis wasn’t just lumbering around either. He welcomed his good friend’s punches and concentrated on Jasper’s movements and picked his shots where he saw openings. Again, it was awesome to see these two go at it and I think everyone was just hoping neither one of them would accidentally knock the other out.
Kit Cope came up next. Kit told Ellis he would take it easy because Ellis had a lot up to that point, and Ellis said no, just go for it or the fans will see it. Again, figuring he had gone this far, Ellis wasn’t about to take it easy even though at this point, his body was done. He could barely breathe, everything in his body was telling him to stop. Ellis just got in his fight stance, watched Kits hips, and tucked his chin down and prepared for battle. You never really know what you’re going to get from Kit. He could take it easy or he could decide he wants to be the clear winner and look to take your head off. That same unpredicatability is exactly why we love Kit. If you ask him to kick someone’s ass, more than likely he’s going to oblige your request and deliver the goods, all wrapped up in a pretty bow and everything. He’s like the Santa of pain. Luckily, he’s not allowed to kick in this.
Last but not least, we have Dave “The Voice” Boyce. Ellis was barely able to breathe at this point and was completely gassed. Dave did a lot of ducking and pushing forward, he said he was probably the most nervous fighter in the right that night. At one point, he was hugging Ellis and Ellis just threw up his hands like, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?” It was pretty funny. Good ole Boyce still scurried around the ring trying his best to put on a show without getting his brain scrambled. Props to you Dave, even at his most tired, all it takes is one well placed punch to the right spot and you’re going to sleep. Plus you wore Star Wars shoes in the ring, and that’s fucking awesome. Respect and RED DRAGONS!
Should someone had to drop out, Joel Mills had a mouth piece in his pocket just in case he needed to step in and go a round with Ellis. Also, Kyle Noke was approached to be one of Ellis’ opponents, but was not cleared by the UFC to fight at EllisMania. More pictures and video of all the events can be found on Twitter and Instagram, so go check those out.
And that was the end of Ellis’ journey that night. The guy is a fucking manimal. He tries to push himself so fucking hard, it’s almost like he sets himself up to fail. And right when you think he is going to fail, he pulls some kind of surprise out of his ass and makes it through to the other side. A little beat up, tired, and dry heaving, but still – he made it. He may not live the life you live, you may not agree with him on a lot of things, and he may even be a dickhead. But at some point, this man deserves his respect. He puts on one hell of a show, he entertains, he inspires, and he lets you into his life. He’s not afraid to show he’s not perfect and he’ll be the first to tell you, you can do it too. If he can be the proof you need, he’s more than happy to be that. Thanks Ellis, you’re a ledge, mate!
And there you go everybody, the mega-death-too-much-recap-recap! I know I missed a lot, but god damn, there’s a shitload in here. So hopefully you like it. And hopefully one day your mother stops hooking. OH!