I’m sorry to report that the previous mid-week recap writer is no longer, umm…available. But you can relax because bitPimps has sent the Wolf…and I solve problems. As such, welcome to the inaugural edition of Wolfkisser Wednesday.
Jason Ellis is back! Moto, boxing, and jiu jitsu are all back in the regular Ellis repertoire and he feels great about it. Tully is squishy with snot and Ellis’ crooked dick nose suffers from an old coke habit. Shaquille O’Neal is not the best guy to learn basketball fundamentals from, but Young Wing says he modeled his game after the big fella and goes hard in the paint. Tully’s beautiful cranium got headbutted at the gym, but calm down, Tully Admiration Society…he’s ok. Ellis has trouble sleeping and fuck Time Warner because nothing is on. Youtube to the rescue, and forsaking funny kitten videos, Ellis managed to find some violence in the form of dudes being knocked the fuck out or dying by hilariously tragic means. Tully likes the Kroll Show on Comedy Central which is ending its run seemingly because they’ve run out of material. Ellis loves the Vikings TV show and shits on just about everything else not involving a motor or fists. The guys watch a video of some chicks fighting, and apparently one of them is gacked out on coke as she jacks her jaw and screams like a monkey taking anal from an elephant. On Friday, the show will be broadcasting live from the Joint at the Hard Rock Hotel, a place many Ellisfam have stumbled around on several occasions. Yes, the AVN Awards are back in Vegas and Ellis will be doing dick tricks all weekend. But not Tully. SuperDad has to get back to LA after the show for a weekend playdate with his son. From there the talk turned to the Ultimate Warrior and the eerie timing of his death immediately following his induction into the WWE Hall of Fame. Shows how much I know, I though he died during one of those 20 minute monologues he used to do during his WCW days. I know the ratings did. Tully believes the movie ‘Birdman’ parallels the Warrior somehow and is all for a Michael Keaton career rebirth. Will says he hates Michael Keaton because of Batman and Beetlejuice, but I think he is just envious of all the sweet tang Keaton scored back in the day. Will brought up ‘American Sniper’ and the fact there is a very poignant scene that gets fucked by an obvious doll in place of a real baby. Fuck you, Will! Clint Eastwood is a goddamn American Treasure and how dare you question his super-efficient movie-making decisions! Besides, babies are assholes, I don’t blame Clint one bit for ditching a crying bag of shit and vomit. This just in…we have a tattoo artist for the Friday show! You know the tattoo of Katie’s vagina that some tranny friend of Ellis’ is getting in their armpit?! The guys talk about beds and muse about a reality show (Pimp My Face) with extreme plastic surgery and body modifications, and some gay dude called to brag about his $9,000 motorized bed that he presumably uses to eat his partner’s ass while maintaining proper posture.
A study found that a lot of married Mormons get divorced. Especially when the man is homosexual. Mind blown. Speaking of homosexuals…look, it’s Frank DeCaro from Sirius’ OutQ Channel! It’s been awhile since Frank has been on and he has a lot of flirting with Ellis to catch up on. Frank is a Wolfknives member, and he is giddy as fuck about being in a gang. He has dogs which of course leads to talk about the Ellis critters, including Katie’s hairless demon cats. Pussy jokes ensue. Potato-in-the-ass jokes ensue. Frank is coming in hot and his relationship with Ellis is both hilarious and endearing. I don’t think its possible to be in a bad mood when DeCaro is around, that dude is a ball of gay energy. So who is the gayest TJES staffer? I’m hoping for Tully and Ellis puts his money on Cumtard so let’s see how it plays out. Frank asks questions such as what type of soap do you use? Do you manscape? Do you shower at the gym? Have you been to DisneyLand without kids? Do you consider Dolly Parton a candidate for Sainthood? Who is more annoying among Taylor Swift, Gwyneth Paltrow or Nikki Minaj? Who is Jonathan Adler, Armistead Maupin, or Harvey Fierstein? The Rock, Ben Affleck, or Johnny Depp, which do you bone? Have you ever tasted your own spunk? Have you ever been in a 3-way with another man? And about a dozen other dumbass questions like these that didn’t really reveal anything of note except that Will is a big fucking liar. So according to Frank, Andrew the overgown frat boy is the straightest, and, drumroll please…Michael Leonard Tully is the gayest! Frank does give Tully an out by saying it really just means that he is the most metrosexual and the ideal husband. Whatever…won’t diminish my hypothetical gay Tully fantasies one bit. Ellis is genuinely surprised that he didn’t win, but we all know the testosterone injections he gets in his ass are vastly different than the ones Frank gets.
Australian Pizza Hut pizza is fucking atrocious. Probably due to the vegemite stuffed crust. Pardon me while I evacuate my stomach contents with thunderous velocity. Ellis still eats that shit on his toast. He’s an Aussie, so it’s in his blood…literally still in his bloodstream like platelet spackle. If you didn’t know, EllisMania 10 is only a month away. I don’t know how the fuck you’re reading this without already possessing this knowledge, but I guess with 5 million new subscribers every day sometimes shit has to be repeated over and over again. Is it sold out? Are the room deals still available? Who is playing in Tigerbox? What celebrities are fighting? When is the Wolfknives meeting? Ellis doesn’t know all the answers to these questions yet, and it doesn’t really even matter. I promise you will have an amazing weekend regardless of who fights, sings, announces, or any of that logistical bullshit. It will all change multiple times right up to the day of the event anyway, so chill the fuck out with the questions. Ellis throws the best parties…because of the people who attend them! Don’t get me wrong, the events never fail to satisfy, but even if shit goes haywire and chaos approaches, Ellisfam can roll with the punches and make the best of any situation…because that’s what the fucking show does! Today’s ‘adjustments’ included searching for another fight or fighters since other shitheads dropped out or were just too damn fat, and music for the Musical Chair Fight and ring entrances. More Biggest Loser fights? Erika Ashley and Alicia? The fight where everyone screams over the top of each other to confused fighters who are scared as fuck of being punched in de face while blindfolded? A NYA throwdown between Cody McCraw and Shit Toboggan? The one where Tully ties me to a chair and gets rough playing bad cop trying to force a confession? A couple dozen songs were mentioned and played, including my vote for Musical Chair music…the Benny Hill Theme. But nothing really seemed to stick with the exception of Will using the ‘Imperial March Theme’, and Cumtard doing something with the Speech Jammer. I’m sure Ellis will go through several dozen more songs before he eventually settles on whatever works best with hot chicks dancing as he comes out.
The remainder of the show was another fantastic ‘Droopy News’ segment and phone calls with more music suggestions, mostly very lame. The last thing worth mentioning was that the Huntington Beach Bad Boy, one of the lesser fucktarded interns of the last few years, called in for some lovelife advice from Radio’s Dynamic Duo, and Tully set his ass straight with the correct advice of “run away as fast as you can”.
And that is exactly what I’m doing with this outro…………..