Look guys…I got the day of the week right!!!! Woohoo!!! Yay for Jenny, she da bestest!!! *smears blood and semen on chest* Bloodmagic, motherfuckers, see what it can do!!!! Don’t worry, you’ll understand that in a few paragraphs, at which point I recommend returning to that sentence, reading it again, and laughing a bit at how awesome I am. Booms. For days.
Ellis and Tully open up the show today talking a little bit about the upcoming Ellismania 10: See Men Fight because even though it’s next year…it’s really only like two and a half months away. I mean, I know that when they got right into it I was like, ‘wtf…they’re already deep into talking about the logistics and the training and what it?’ But then the rational part of my brain (which was being a slow, lazy chunka grey matter today) was like, yo bitch…shits gonna be here before you even know it! Ellis is getting in to training mode because he’s feeling fat since he prolly weighs about five or so pounds heavier than he likes, and Tully is talking about who he should fight since Madchild is going to be on tour during EMX and therefore will be unavailable to scrap with our favorite ghostwriter. And Ty Po…former band member of the former band but still the number one Teen Wolf in our hearts Tyler Posey is who Ellis thinks should fight Tully at Ellismania and Tully is a little wary about it because he’s pretty sure that TyPo is taller than him and a pretty fit dude, but Ellis is confident that Tully stands a fighting chance. So, what does he do? He calls up old TyPo on the phone to see what his plans are for February and TyPo so bad wants to be down. He’s going to check his schedule and see if he can make it work, so right now there is a totally unconfirmed slim chance that Michael Tully will be facing off with the Teen Wolf Heartthrob (?) in the ring for the big 10. Tyler Posey wants to make Tully cry and isn’t shy about tweeting about it, and we all know that Tully is a fiercely competitive man who still, to this day, thinks he can outrun a quarterback on a long stretch of football field…so if this all does come to fruition it could be an exciting fight that you don’t want to miss.
And then, everyone’s favorite part of Tuesday walks into the studio and Ellis asked Jude how his Thanksgiving was and tells him that he listened to the Bua and Jude show and he thought it was great. Ellis had a good Turkey day with Katie also, but wound up shitwhipping her neck during a race, which is shitty. It’s okay though cause Katie managed to get him back by slicing his dick open in two spots with her nail during sexcapades so everything is kind of even. Accidents do happen. However, this is where the Bloodmagic comes in. Jude throws out Bloodmagic because when he can’t sleep he listens to conspiracy theory podcasts and apparently Bloodmagic is a thing. I don’t quite get how it plays in to any sort of conspiracy theory when it has more of an Americanized version of voodoo vibe, but Jude’s the man and I’ll accept that he knows more than I about this. So what is Bloodmagic? Well, it’s when you cut your dick, fuck a chick, bust a nut in her, scoop it out with your fingers and rub in on your chest while making a wish sealing it by saying “Bloodmagic” (duh). Yeah…writing that completely run on sentence makes me call bullshit, but I don’t care, I’ll prolly be hash tagging random tweets and Instagram pictures thusly for the foreseeable future.
Jude then gets on to the subject of an out of town female will soon be in town to see him and he is planning on fucking her, which should be pretty sweet because she’s hot and Ukrainian and I don’t have to tell you that those bitches are basically constantly DTF the second they cross into puberty. As most things do on this show, this little mini glimpse into Jude’s life gets all tangential and we get a further glimpse into Jude’s life by way of an anecdote about how he almost had a threesome with two Ukrainian sisters but couldn’t keep his dick hard due to “shitting gravy” because he had food poisoning. Ellis was kind of weirded out about the whole sisters thing and the show further fell down the rabbit hole of never ending tangents and Ellis gets on the subject of people being conditioned to be gay due to their upbringing.
Oh, rabbit holes. They were on the subject of homosexuality for a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time and there was talk about nature versus nurture and different levels of gay (for lack of better wording), and I mean, you guys all know Ellis and Tully and even Jude at this point. None of them have any negative feelings regarding homosexuality or bisexuality and they all think that it shouldn’t matter what your sexual orientation…but it does come out that both Tully and Ellis kind of wish that they had female parts from time to time (cookies for everyone!!!) and Ellis would love to be with Dr. Drew if he were gay, while Tully is more of a Cary Grant/ Clark Gable kind of guy. There were a couple of interesting calls on the subject, one particularly interesting one to me was a guy from Buffalo in an open marriage with a transvestite (gateway to gay) who identifies as gay, but fucks chicks from time to time because why the hell not. Good for you, guy!!!!
Back from the first break Tully has some MMA news involving the UFC and Reebok becoming the official sponsor and…I don’t care because next they went to Tully and Cumtard’s phone sex calls and one was awesome and the other was…a phone call (you can guess which is which). They led off with Cumtard’s call, where he was playing the role of Ephram- a nervous, small man, with an hourglass penis and fragile hands. Ephram was talking to Yolanda, who for really really sounded like a dude who was not at all interested in Ephram but was making enough sounds while answering text messages and saying ‘ooh baby’ often enough that a totally dumb person would see it as engaging. Ellis cut out the phone call because Cumtard is horrible at phone sex and then we move on to Tully. Oh Tully….I fucking love Tully. Not in the excited giggle happy crush way like I love Jude…but in a way were I wish we could be BFFs. His phone sex call was perfect and fucking hilarious and everything that Ellis wanted. Tully got right into it with Stacey, so into it that it sounded like he was already about halfway to the finish line by the time they exchanged names and after a few phone sex kisses and touches it sounded like he had reached the big finish and then while she kept going he turned into ‘one word answer guy’ while he ate a snack and had the television on until he abruptly told her he was done and hung up the phone. It was fucking great.
Next they moved on to some more logistics for EMX involving the HateBean performance and set list so we got to listen to the Best of HatBean and everyone going to Vinyl on Friday night in February will be super pumped to hear selections including Angry Lanyard, Weiner Gazer, My Flashlight Loves You, and many more. Ellis also brought up that there needs to be a serious level of stage presence brought by the HateBean band aka Will and Cumtard, because the songs are short and weird (albeit fucking amazing) and there needs to be some epic shit going on onstage also. Ellis kept popping off some good ideas involving paper mâché genitals that could fuck each other onstage and/or lactate/cream White Russian loads into the audience. The whole White Russian thing really comes down to if they venue will allow them to make a bit of a mess while they are there, so keep your fingers crossed that Vinyl is down with giant boobies spraying White Russian into the audience.
Do you know what comes with hot? Evil. Evil comes with hot. Tully and Ellis decide to take some calls from females while asking what is the most evil thing that they have done to man. The results? Bitches are fucking crazy. The end. Not really….but I am kind of ashamed for my sex that most evil revenge plans seem to revolve around revenge sex and being a hobag. Lacks creativity. Bunch girls got their evil on in response to cheating boyfriends by turning around and getting laid with the likes of their ex’s friends, roommates, and fathers, a couple were more creative and posted Craigslist adds looking for gay sex or herpes sex, a lady who was pregnant at the time beat a bitch down and smashed some car windows…but the winner, in my opinion, was a lady who would put tiny cracks in glasses before putting them into the sink for her husband to wash so that when he grabbed them they broke in his hand and he had to go to the hospital for stitches. Now, that girl is fucking evil. I just…I don’t understand the whole revenge thing. I’m hot…my last relationship before Hubbs the guy cheated on me….do you know what I did? I told him it was over, kicked him the fuck out of my house, and got over it. So much easier.
Winding down the show there was more Ellismania talk regarding the fights and what would be the order and whatnot and, if you are going to Ellismania you can look forward to The Musical Chair Fight, Shock Collar Fight, The Biggest Loser (Men and Women) fights, The Strip Fight, Will vs Cumtard, Tully vs TyPo, the Ellis 10, the Virgin Fight, and the Piñata fight. If you are interested in being in a fight you need to make a fight video and you can send it in to Ellismania10@gmail.com.
thats all I have for you tonight folks, I’m still sick and feel shitty so….hope you enjoyed!!!! Xox