“The white boy is back…”
What’s up, bitches! It’s Friday’s ugly sister, Thursday, and I’m here to take care of your re-capping needs. If today’s re-cap seems a little light, it’s because I’m trying to finish this before the Blackhawks play tonight. HOCKEY IS BACK, MOTHERFUCKER! *Side-note* If you really want to get on bitPimps’ good side, tell him how much the Blues suck. He LOVES that. Anyway, Ellis started the show by saying that he wishes he could own acres of land and have wolves live there with him, a dream we all wish we could achieve. I mean seriously, how bad ass would that be? You’d be like a member of the Stark family from Game of Thrones and you could train the wolves to attack any motherfucker that you see fit. Just watch out for George R.R. Martin, that guy has a hard-on for killing off Starks.
Will received a patch from the Red Dragons to put on his Wolfknives jacket, but it was revealed that he sent an e-mail to Sluggo asking if they had patches and that if they didn’t, they should really make some. The typical “Tully and Ellis chastise Will” followed, sending Will into one of his glorious hissy-fits. I wonder if Will sees his ex-wife/secret roommate in Tully, because hot damn does Cowfucker get under his skin. The main point of all of this is that Will is a patch-addicted fiend who needs help.
Ellis mentioned that he’s getting his ass tattooed tonight (RIP Rawdog, Joe Willy, and Malin Akerman). Tully mentioned that his son, the infamous LinSanity, brought a kick-ass pumpkin to school, but was pissed that he couldn’t bring it back home so Tully had to buy another one and tell the teacher that they were gonna swap pumpkins, which, according to Tully, makes him look like a bitch. Apparently the US experimented with weaponized pigeons in WWII, but, to no one’s surprise, it turns out pigeons aren’t the most reliable when it comes to tracking targets. There was no Ultimate Fighter last night, so Ellis ended up watching Scooby Doo with his kids. Tully has a theory that Fred is gay (seriously, what straight man wears an ascot?), Velma is a lesbian (valid), and that Daphne is a tranny who wears a wig and never removes her neckerchief because she’s hiding her Adam’s Apple. Scooby and Shaggy are just too stoned to notice it. The NYC takeover/Horse Force show/cricket game was pumped once again and if you’re gonna be in the area and wanna try your hand at splitting the wickets, you can RSVP with Tully by emailing him at email@example.com.
We come back from the break with the news that Uncle Mayhem is in the middle of a stand-off with a SWAT team at his house. Oh Mayhem, you cheeky monkey, what mischief have you gotten into now? *Update* Mayhem has surrendered and has been placed in custody without harm. Justin Bua, MMA artist extraordinaire, will be hosting a 1-hour show after the show today (he may be on the air right now, depending on when you’re reading this). Starting this week after every Thursday show, there will be a 1 hour show hosted by friends of the show in an attempt to build the channel into the empire that we all know it will be. Tully decided to ask listeners to call-in if they’ve ever encountered an alien/UFO. A pilot called and talked about the strange things he’s seen while flying and a photographer called to talk about alternate dimensions and other tin-hat theories *cue shotgun button*.
Women: they’ll fuck your brains out, raise your kids, chop your balls off, and poison your coffee. Yet we keep coming back for more of that sweet PUSSAAAAAY. “Women, am I right?” made its return to the show and it came out swinging. A 22 year old from Columbia went to the hospital because she shoved a potato up her vag on the advice of her mother, who said it would prevent her from getting pregnant. If that’s how it works, then all of Ireland, and therefore yours truly, would have ceased to exist. A lady in Africa chopped her lovers dick off because he wouldn’t marry her. Seems a bit harsh, if you ask me. An Asian lady bought a new Porsche and proceeded to immediately crash it into 2 other Porsches. Didn’t see that coming. A video showed an English soccer player that had her tampon fall out in the middle of a game. We’ve all been there, sister. Another lady sliced her husband’s throat ear-to-ear while dreaming of fileting a fish and another found a dead body in the trunk of her car. You go, girl!
After the break, we return with legendary guitarist Scott Ian of Anthrax in the studio to promote his new book and pseudo-stand up comedy/story telling tour. Scott’s book has a comic book in it that tells the story of the first time he met Lemmy and shit his pants. Metal. Stories of his drinking adventures with Dimebag Darrell were told along with Scott’s recount of all the turmoil with singers that Anthrax has experienced over the years. The guys discussed Metal and Hell, coming to the conclusion that if the Devil really did exist, he would’ve picked a much better Earthly representative than King Diamond. Everyone knows the Falsetto is the Devil’s vocal range. Scott will be doing one of his stand-up shows tomorrow night (Friday October 10th) and will be having a book release party at Largo at the Coronet in LA at 8pm, so go see that shit if you’re in the area.
After the final break, we returned with a gamut of news: weed soda bottles are exploding in dispensaries, Shia Lebeouf has gone full Daniel Day-Lewis and had his tooth removed for his part in “FURY”, Morrisey has cancer (maybe) and he’s basically said “fuck it”, Nick Hogan had nude photos leaked and apparently some of them were of his mom (IT’S ONLY WEIRD IF YOU MAKE IT, BROTHER!), Charlie Sheen dove face-first into the shallow end of his pool, and Michael Phelps is going to rehab. Getting put on a Wheaties box makes you an alcoholic apparently. Ellis had Hot Dog model some new shirts and holy shit was it kinky. I felt so dirty afterward that I had to take a shower and I haven’t been able to look myself in the mirror since. Final calls commenced and the show wrapped for the day. Alright shitheads, it’s time to watch some hockey and yell at my TV. Go play in traffic or lick an outlet, I don’t care, just don’t block the screen.