Aaaaaaaaand I’m back! Did you miss me? Of course you did. Shout-out to bitPimps for covering for me while I was celebrating my birthday in my adoptive home of Minneapolis with some EllisFam. We raged all weekend, and by rage I mean we hung out at the house and went to Sex World Saturday night. That place was awesome, yet insanely sleazy, just like it should be. If you’re ever in the Twin Cities, check it out and ride the giant golden dick.
Jess had to burn her jeans after sitting on that thing. True story.
Anyway, the show is still in NYC in case you’ve been hit in the head with a brick and forgot about that. Katie is in the studio today to join in on the fun. I love when she’s on, she’s fucking awesome. Ellis started off by saying action sports legend, Todd Richards, sent him a video of a guy having his balls used as a speedbag by a chick. Listen, we all have weird fetishes, so don’t act like this guy is weird or some shit. I’ve seen what you do with that rubber duck and jar of mayonnaise. Pervert. Ellis saw this crazy show on VH1 where they play funny videos from the internet and make jokes about them. Sound familiar? That’s because it’s one of nearly 100 video clip shows. I swear, TV producers have it easy. All they do is fart out the same 5 shows over and over again and rake in the money. Ellis and Katie are finally getting a new hotel while they’re in NYC and it just so happens to be right next to Tully’s hotel. CAN YOU SAY SLUMBER PARTY?!?! A discussion about Kanye West and Kim Kardashian started up and everyone came to the conclusion that they’re perfect for each other since they’re so far up their own asses. I bet Kim has a whole apartment in that giant thing. Tully has this idea for a hotel where adults go and get treated like babies. All he wants more than anything is to take his pants off, lie on a table, hold his legs up, and drop a mean shit that someone else has to come and clean up. He’s a simple man with simple desires. Katie, unsurprisingly, would like to pee on someone’s face when they change her diaper. Something tells me she’s already done that though, just without the whole diaper thing. Some “Best Of” shows will be airing on the SiriusXM Raw Dog comedy channel and you can now listen to previous recordings of “The Bua Show” and “Djingo Unchained” on the On Demand channel. Speaking of “The Bua Show”, today’s show has a really big guest. Seriously, this guy is HUGE. Master of the Sky Hook, goggle-wearing champion, and former Bruce Lee opponent, Kareem Abdul Jabbar will be on the show to talk about what it’s like to be a giant and have your ass kicked by a 5 foot tall killing machine. After yesterday’s show at Hooters, Tully met up with some old friends and had some awesomely-bad tacos from San Loco. Ellis and Katie hung around Hooters and pounded some wings with some fans, one of which was puffing on some sweet Jolly Rancher vapor from his vape pen. Douche chills. The Horse Force show AKA EllisMania 9.5 was plugged once again and if you want to fight or sing with the band, all you have to do is ask. A masseuse stole a $25K watch and shoved it up her vag to conceal it, but was caught in the middle of a hotel lobby and had to pull it out and give it back. A court ruled that a woman didn’t have to give back a $10k engagement ring even though she didn’t say “yes” to the proposal. Women, am I right? In what is easily the most ironic news of the day, the Camel tobacco company is banning smoking in their offices starting next year. Now if only the Hard Rock would ban smoking. I still feel sick thinking about all of that secondhand smoke I was exposed to at EM9.
The Circle Bar: A mix of EllisFam memories and nauseating flashbacks.
After the break, Tully delivered a bit of Aussie News. Apparently during WWI, 60,000 Australian soldiers contracted STDs from Egyptian prostitutes and it’s time they get their proper respects paid to them. It’s one thing to lose an arm during battle, but losing a dick due to Syphilis is the real tragedy. I must’ve had a stroke and blacked-out for a second because in an instant ice cream flavors were being discussed. Ellis came up with one that would taste like a whole meal, which means all the satisfaction of a full course meal with none of the actual food. Sounds like every chick with an eating disorder’s dream. A whole lot of UFC talk took place and I’ll be honest, I kinda spaced out here because that shit bores me to tears nowadays. Basically, Jose Aldo is gonna face Chad Mendes for the title, but Cooney McGrooby thinks he deserves the title shot. Mark Hunt is SUPER religious and is facing Fabricio Werdum for the interim HW belt, the only catch is he has to lose 30 pounds in a couple weeks. Easy. The Ultimate Fighter was discussed and some chick punched another chick in the face and boobies got smashed blah blah blah you get the idea.
We returned from break with “Doing Stuff with Katie”. Ellis asked his go-to “How do you get a boat into the water?” question and Katie nailed it, making Ellis look like a punk bitch. Tully asked her how to clean a fish and , once again, she nailed it. Turns out living in Alaska forces you to learn shit. Some listeners called in to ask questions like “How do you drive an 18-wheeler?” with the obvious answer being you feel it with your anus, dumbass. Ellis asked what Katie would do if a Koala attacked her and her response was to kick it to the ground and go American History X on its ass. A farmer called in and asked Katie how to artificially inseminate a cow, which led Ellis and Tully to create the story of ManCow, the half-man half-cow product of sticking your dick in a cow. Tully thinks being ManCow would be sweet because he would have six nipples to stroke and a huge dick. Hard to argue with that. CNN is going to be airing a special on Ayahuaska talking about how it’s the new medical marijuana, something I’m sure will make Aubrey Marcus of Onnit very happy. Dumb criminals are everywhere, but they’re a little more special in the South. A man from Birmingham, Alabama led police on a crime-filled, 20 minute chase that resulted in the cops beating his ass. He sued claiming assault and was awarded $460K, but failed to realize that he still had to pay for all of his original crimes and ended up with only $1000 and a prison sentence. Tully asked Ellis and Katie if they would live in a mansion, with the only catch being that it was made of glass. Katie said she would feel weird about people seeing her poop, so she couldn’t do it. Tully’s only concern would be if he “looked cool” while sitting on the couch. If I lived in that house, I would stare people right in the face as I furiously masturbated just for shits and giggles. Ellis wants to live in a skate ramp-filled house (Bam did that on an episode of Viva La Bam, it was pretty sweet), but he’s worried that Pappa Fifty would die if he got hit with a board given his old age. This got the guys talking about getting old and Tully said he hopes that when he gets older, he “gets” classical music and Shakespeare. At the risk of sounding like a total nerd, I’ll admit that I love classical music and have read a lot of Shakespeare’s work, all of which I really enjoyed. Hamlet and Macbeth kick some major ass. Ellis brought up Jacques Cousteau, famous shark whisperer and favorite topic of discussion during the early days of the show, and pictured him getting blown by sea creatures. Hopefully Jacques used protection because fish herpes is no joke, just ask Doc Future.
Fuck Fishes, Get Money.
After the final break, Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins stopped by the studio. I’m not gonna lie, I was really worried this interview was going to go off the rails and bomb really hard, but holy fuck was I wrong. Billy ended up being an awesome guest and rolled with the punches like a champ. Turns out Billy got a hold of @Billy on Twitter, pretty sweet if you ask me. He also helps run an indy wrestling promotion and helps write the story lines. He mentioned that chair shots to the head are on their way out due to concussions and began talking to Ellis about brain damage. Billy Corgan knows a lot about concussions and brain trauma. A LOT. He has a new album coming out and it features that guy who honked a boat horn with his dick during a sex tape with Pamela Anderson on the drums. That interview was really entertaining and it made me see Corgan in a much more positive light. I highly recommend you listen to the replay, it’s worth listening to. Alright well that wraps up today’s show. Now it’s time for me get back to plowing your mum, I know she missed my donkey dick while I was gone. Later, bitches!