Friday’s here and I’m sick as fuck. I don’t think it’s Ebola though, so that’s good. I’m completely out of it, so expect this recap to either suck hard, suck soft, or completely derail into whatever the fuck my mind is on at the moment. Since everyone is understandably getting sick of hearing my name, I refrained from Tweeting too much or submitting any news stories to the show today. Instead, I’ll randomly share a few of them here. Example: Roots grow out of vagina after woman uses potato as contraceptive. Just think, after you fuck her, you get mashed potatoes with gravy! Maybe next month, her vagina will also serve up some biscuits or cornbread or something. Today is a special day because Ellis doesn’t have to do anything, besides the show. But he does that all the time, he did it in the car, in sauna, pretty much everywhere. He’s got mat burn, which means he’ll be getting face herpes scabs thanks to Brazilians rubbing themselves all over mats. Tully says if you get herpes on your dick, go to the gym, roll around, and get herpes on your face too, that way you can play it off like you got it from the mats and not the sex. King Mo told Ellis a story about a dude that got staph infection in his eye via his contact lens and he died. Ellis got all sad on Dr. Drew’s show last night because they don’t want him on for touchy subjects, but do want him on for the subject of molestation. Hearing the stories fucked with him a bit and by the end, he was done. Men need to be civilized by women, and once you’re left alone for awhile, you start craving the very thing you used to avoid. Like cleaning and doing dishes and shit.
Tully had what amounted to a sex dream about his wife, things were seedy and shit, but turns out, his wife wasn’t married to him in his dream, she was married to Bryan Cullen! Obviously, this means Tully wants to bang Cullen’s wife. Being that Tully & Cullen are such close friends, I bet Cullen wants to bang Tully’s wife too. So I propose a wife swap during the Horse Force in New York visit! There’s two UFC’s on in a single day, one in Sweden and one in Halifax, so if you’re looking for some mediocre fights, there ya go. Ellis & Tully watched the UFC weigh-ins on TV while on the radio and commented about all the douchery of the douches they were seeing. Hotdog had himself a big night last night. He went to the bar, watched the Packers game, he got shitfaced, & this lady came and sat next to him. There was a burlesque show going on, but he wasn’t paying attention. He met some black dude who was a talent manager, he bought Hotdog a shot of moonshine. Still waiting to hear what made it a big night, but the show has derailed into talk about pickles and what’s on the TV in the studio at the moment. Anyway, Hotdog was looking to get blown by the talent manager, but he had to go to an art show. Guess what, that was only one of two men that gave Hotdog their card last night. Still not watching the burlesque show, he’s watching the Arizona vs Oregon game now. Oh yeah, the girl, Hotdog mentioned he met Ozzy that day and that he works with Jason Ellis. Suddenly she’s very interested in drunken Hotdog, he’s laying on the cheese and somehow managed to make out with this chick in the bar, but he doesn’t remember it – but he does. It doesn’t make sense to anyone. He doesn’t remember how he got home, he’s full of scratches, his pants are torn, and his ankles hurt. Coincidentally, Pendarvis was at an art show that same night too. Maybe Hotdog was the art? The chick drugged him, the two dudes drug him to the art show where they met up with Will. Fill in your own horror adventure story here. This is the perfect segue into my next news story! Scroguard: A scrotal condom For the common man.
Second part of the Terracross race Ellis was at in North Carolina will be on CBS Sports this weekend, maybe this is the one where you’ll see Yardsale doing his thing! From a survey, half of married women have a backup husband in mind. You know, just in case the real husband gets tired of bowing down to her and expects to be treated with respect, she can move on to the next poor son of a bitch. Ellis has to make some more ads for his show to run on other channels. For example, there will be a special best-of TJES running on the Rawdog Comedy Channel this weekend or some weekend to come. He’s going to do ads for not only the show, but also WolfScrub, Wolfknives, and OfficialJasonEllis.com. Next up, a little game where Tully reads Tweets from Willow Smith & Jim Morrison quotes, Ellis and Pendarvis have to figure out which is which. Amazingly, while there were some similarities, it was harder to tell the difference between Willow Smith & Charles Manson. Speaking of people are strange (that’s my awesome segue into my next news story), Kim Jong-un fractured both his ankles from wearing Cuban heels. And now it’s time for a break.
Next up, a movie synopsis by Ellis & Tully, of the timeless classic The Fifth Element. But before that, we heard a story about weed, which turned into a discussion about lobbyists from the big pharma companies, which turned into a discussion about the top 1%, the rich getting richer while the rest of us go poorer, and what will it take for the entire country to finally overthrow our corporate run government and return it to a government by and for the people. Basically, we all know what’s going on, the problem is people are fucking stupid as shit. I’m convinced we will never go back to the days where the distribution of wealth is more evenly distributed. We’ve been on this train for far too long and it is moving far too fast to just jump off, we’re stuck on this ride and it’s not stopping for anyone. Once corporations have bought and sold every single possible piece of the world and themselves, then we’ll see the depressing end. One world under one rule, where everyone in the world works for the only remaining company / government, and is forced to do so in order to pay that same company / government for the right to meek out an existence. Total control. Holy shit, I’ve gone off on a tangent. Back to The Fifth Element. It’s 1914 in Egypt, an archaeologist finds a sarcophagus containing the fifth element. And already people start losing the plot of the movie because metal aliens suddenly come into the movie and now it’s the year 2263. Wait, what happened to the Indiana Jones type shit? Too bad, deal with it, it’s Star Wars type shit now. Fuck it, you’ve seen the movie, you’ve jerked it to Leeloo, and there’s no way I can type out what was said on the show and give it any kind of justice, so just watch the movie while drunk and make jokes the entire time. Or listen to the replay. Actually, yes, do that.
Breaking news! Ellis is officially divorced now. Plus he’s free this weekend. But he’s supposed to party with Mike Jasper so who knows what will happen, maybe they’ll go to Palm Springs together for a gaycation. Speaking of which, Wilson went on a gay date awhile back. He “didn’t know” it was a gay date, but that sure is shit what it was. It’s kind of hard to tell if you’re on a gay date, I can’t tell you how many of men hang out with each other and caress one another’s inner thigh. Time for fill in the blank news. It’s pretty funny, you should try and catch that on the replay too – because I’m not writing all this down. In other awesome news, Tully will be on Hair Nation all this weekend! Give it a listen if you’re into cheesy 80’s – 90’s hair metal. And that wraps up today’s recap. I have nothing witty to say to end this one, my brain isn’t firing on all cylinders today. I guess, just try not to get Ebola? G’night!